One Direction’s Liam Payne is considered sessy to a whole bunch of the group’s fans. Like any pop star, there’s all sorts of filthy fantasies written about him on Tumblr, Twitter, that secret Facebook group you’re in, etc.
Liam was nice enough to sit down for BBC Radio 1’s “Perv Pad” to read aloud what horny people are writing about him online. I was all set for fisting fantasies, but they were remarkably tame. Is there a red-band version of this? Also, that hoodie isn’t really erotic. Can’t he do this topless? This is a big fail, “Perv Pad!” “Only you can dance on me?” Amateurs.
All the One Direction guys are all off doing their own thing now. Zayn Malik was the first to jump ship and release an album. Eventually the rest started releasing music that will definitely show up on a BuzzFeed list in 2028 called “14 boy banders who tried to go solo.” Liam Payne, the one who made a baby with Cheryl, released his debut song as a solo artist called Strip That Down. So of course he was asked about the other solo music being released by the other members of 1D.
Yes, finally; I’m sure there’s at least one person out there who was anxiously bouncing their legs in anticipation. Good news, that person – we’ve got a name! Cheryl and the One Directioner Liam Payne made a baby boy who was born five weeks ago. At the time, Cheryl and Liam both made it known in their social media birth announcements that they didn’t have a name for their kid yet. Yesterday, The Daily Mail claimed that Cheryl and Liam named their baby Bear Payne. That news was confirmed by Liam after he was congratulated on Twitter by urine-drinking wilderness person Bear Grylls.
— Liam (@LiamPayne) May 2, 2017
The Daily Mail says that both Cheryl and Liam know Bear Grylls and he may have been the inspiration for their kid’s name. Well, that or Cheryl and Liam threw a dart at a list of Quirky-ish Famous Baby Names and hit Alicia Silverstone, Jamie Oliver, Kate Winslet’s favorite.
But back to that name. Bear Payne doesn’t even sound like the name of a baby; it sounds like a home-made alcoholic energy drink for lumberjacks. If Yogi trained Boo Boo as an MMA fighter, his Octagon name would be Bear Payne. All I really know is that if Bear and his mom were to get into Britain’s Motherboy circuit, Cher & Bear would be a great team name.
Former One Direction member Liam Payne twinked a fetus into former Girls Aloud member Cheryl (tn: Cheryl Ann Tweedy Cole Fernandez-Versini) nine months ago, and now that future British pop icon has emerged from the birth canal.
Liam announced on Instagram that Cheryl uncrossed her legs and gave the world a whole slew of upcoming OK! and HELLO! magazine articles on Wednesday of this week. One Direction fans who wanted Liam’s seed for their own wombs (and have also had to deal with another 1D-er spawning fairly recently) must already be suggesting baby names on social media. Although, I’m not sure “CherylColeIsEvilAndImLiamsOneAndOnly” is something you find in a baby naming book.
Not that she needed to. I doubt anyone has been confusing her stomach situation with pizza bloat. But clearly Cheryl (formerly Cheryl Tweedy Cole Fernandez-Versini) was waiting for the right time and place to officially debut the fetus put inside her by One Direction’s Liam Payne. And that right place just so happened to be in a L’Oreal commercial.
The vocal cords of the Directioners just barely fully healed from hollering out screams of rage over Louis Tomlinson knocking up a trick, and now their vocal cords are going to get jacked up again, because another yodeling One Direction twink is going to be a daddy.
Cheryl Ann Tweedy Cole Fernandez-Versini (who is just going by Cheryl now, Cheryl Tiegs is not amused) and Liam Payne first met when he was just 14 and she was 24. He auditioned for The X-Factor and she was a judge at the time. They are the Celine Dion and Renee Angélil of their time. Cheryl and Liam started doing each other full-time earlier this year, and a few months ago, it was first rumored that his 23-year-old dick shot out the jizz load that knocked her 33-year-old ass up. And at the St. James Christmas Carol Concert in London tonight, Cheryl pretty much 100% confirmed that she’s got a One Direction baby growing in her womb when she showed up looking like a baby is growing in her womb. A source (aka an intern with eyes that can see) tells E! News that Cheryl is pregnant and in her second trimester.
This baby will be the first for both Cheryl and Liam, who was a baby himself about 10 minutes ago.
So I guess, Cheryl from Girls Aloud making a baby with Liam from One Direction is the modern-day equivalent of one of the Backstreet Boys knocking up one of the Spice Girls? Naw, the news of a Backstreet Spice Baby would’ve cracked the earth in two. And hopefully when Cheryl gives birth, the nurse will gently whisper this into the baby’s ear: “Whatever you do, don’t look at your mom’s back. Spare your young, innocent eyes from the pain, child!”