As if Madonna needed to physically show us how thirsty she is. We know, girl!
Every year, Madonna descends upon the Met Gala with more excitement than a clown who just snorted a line of crushed espresso beans. Last night was no different. Madonna showed up in Duck Dy-Nasty camo couture, swigging something from a canteen. Who cares what the theme was; Madonna wanted to do drunk Bass Pro Shops beauty pageant queen, and so that’s what Madonna is gonna do.
Of course, Madonna did disappoint a teeny tiny bit. I’m of course talking about the fact that her ass – arguably the Met Gala’s most frequent guest – was nowhere to be seen last night. Given the theme of her ensemble, she could have taken it further by letting her ass cheeks flop around behind her like two plucked mallards. Madonna’s look was done by Jeremy Scott for Moschino, so I blame him for that.
During last night’s Oscars, Dakota Johnson presented with her Fifty Shades Duller co-star Jamie Dornan, and they did a hilarious bit where they pretended to have chemistry with each other. Clearly Dakota was afraid all the crotch-searing sexuality between her and Jamie would be too much for the audience to handle, and she dressed accordingly. And by accordingly, I mean she counter-balanced it by dressing in an unsexy satin nightgown situation that was made by Gucci.
For those of you thinking “Uh, how did she make those kids then?” allow me to clarify. Leslie Mann, 1/3 of the Sisterhood of the Travelling Other Women, was asked in an interview with Radio 1 what she’d do if she was transformed into a man for 24-hours. I know that if I were turned into a man, I’d spend 23 of those hours practicing my tuck game (what good are balls if you can’t cram them up inside of you?), but I guess Leslie could care less about a meaty tuck, because the only thing she’s interested in is busting a nut:
“I would have sex. I would love to know how it operates! Like what the real mechanics feel like! It would be fun to feel the other side, wouldn’t it?”
Hmmm, if only there were some kind of appliance one could use that would simulate the act of penetration, perhaps a substitute phallus that one could, let’s say, strap on. Maybe such a thing could be found in a store dedicated to the sale of recreational intercourse products? I’m just spit-balling ideas here.
Being turned into a man for 24-hours and learning to fuck sounds fun in theory, but in reality I know I’d be cursed with a Twilight Zone-style switcheroo, where I wake up in the body of a guy who is no longer able to get a boner from years of steroid abuse and rages out all his pent-up sexual frustration at CrossFit. I mean, I can deal with a dead dick, but going to the gym? No thank you.
Until the technology exists that will allow Cameron Diaz to shrink us all down Magic Schoolbus-style and shove us up her butt to get a good look at what a juice cleanse will do to your colon, we’re just going to have to get used to her telling us everything we never asked when it comes to her body. So grab a pencil, because we’re about to fill in another page of our I Didn’t Really Need To Know This notebooks.
I have no idea what kind of question even started this conversation, but at the premiere of her film The Other Woman, Cammy D told E! News that she has more in common with Shay-Lean Woodley than just talking about vaginas. According to Cameron Diaz, the last time she used antiperspirant, it was probably a stick of Teen Spirit (aka a long fucking time ago).
“I don’t believe in antiperspirant. It’s really bad for you. I haven’t used it for almost 20 years. You’re stinky, because you use antiperspirant. It keeps all the stink in.”
“Let it go and just trim your armpit hair so it doesn’t hold onto the scent.”
I love that Cameron Diaz stopped using antiperspirant 20 years ago because it’s “really bad for you”, but still smokes because “one cigarette every once in a while isn’t going to kill you”. That’s flawless logic. I wonder when she’s scheduled to guest lecture in a 4th year medical science class.
Here’s more of Cameron “Let The Stink Out” Diaz with Leslie Mann and Kate Upton promoting The Other Woman on GMA this morning. And now that I know what I know about Cameron Diaz’s pit situation, I feel really bad for that grey jacket she’s wearing (RIP buddy, see you at the crossroads).
I know – Blanche Devereaux would NEVER; I mean, that old slut would probably try, but Sophia would remind her that a true lady never flashes her satin-wrapped snapper without first being treated to the early bird special at Red Lobster. And since I see no Cheddar Bay Biscuit crumbs on her chichis, there’s clearly no Sophia in Rihanna’s life to tell her to put on some damn pants (Drake is really more of a Rose Nylund). But I should give RiRi some credit, because she was the only person with enough foresight to know that the MTV Movie Awards were going to be a sleepy snoozefest last night and came dressed ready to pop a couple Ambien and call it a night. “Fuck it, it’s not worth putting on pants.” – RiRi to her stylist.
Here’s more of the Barbadian Grace Kelly at the MTV Movie Awards, as well as a bunch of other tricks who’s event-appropriate clothing couldn’t hold a candle to the class and alagance of RiRi’s granny panties. But some came close, like Pia Mia dressed as a rich white girl’s idea of a chola, Rachel Antonoff as Peaches n’ Cream Col. Sanders, and a drunk-looking Leslie Mann (always the look):
In today’s sermon from Cameron Diaz, the current Pastor of Pussylove United Church, we’ll be taking a break from talking about vaginas. Sadly, the Vagina Series has been put on a temporary hiatus until more comparisons to delicate flowers can be made (several regretful alternate metaphors were tossed around, including comparing the vagina to cheeseburgers and/or Popples). Instead, we’ll be focusing on Pastor Cammy’s theories on female sexuality, specifically the idea of when one woman’s Popple turns inside-out for another woman. When asked about whether she’s ever been attracted to another woman, Pastor Diaz told Glamour UK:
“I think women are beautiful – absolutely beautiful. And I think that all women have been sexually attracted to another woman at some point. It’s natural to have a connectivity and an appreciation for the beauty of other women.”
Normally, I err on the side of Pastor Cammy is Not Smart, but she’s kind of got a point. Personally, I’ve never felt compelled to finger-pop another woman’s Popple, but who knows? I’m still young (or at least, young-adjacent). Maybe one day I’ll see a chick in line at the grocery store buying 2 bags of Cool Ranch ‘Reets and a box of Theraflu, not giving a single fuck that she’s wearing leggings in public and that they’ve got a giant Diet Coke stain on them, and catch myself saying: “Daaaamn! Somebody better call Jesus and tell him an angel is missing from Dirtbag Heaven.” Even if I don’t wanna pop her Popple, I can at least appreciate her beauty.
Here’s more of Cameron Diaz trying to rub her Ya-Ya Sistersnatch up on Leslie Mann at CinemaCon 2014 (whatever the fuck that is) in Las Vegas. Cammy strikes me as the type who’s yoo-hoo is 24/7 horny, so I like to imagine her whispering into Leslie Mann’s ear: “You know what they say: what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas! Did you know that I made a movie called What Happens in Vegas? Why don’t we go back up to my room and talk about that over a glass of wine and several hits of ecstasy?” And because this whole story has been pretty clam-heavy, it’s only fair that I also include some pictures of Damon Wayans Jr. and Jake Johnson at the same event dressed as hot cops: