Foot fetishists rejoice (podophobiacs recoil)! Unlike in the previous trailer, Foot Fucker In Chief Quentin Tarantino paid lipservice to your kink and shoehorned a pair of plump N’ grubby Flintstone feet into the new full length trailer for Once Upon A Time In Hollywood. And everybody, footsuckers included, can breathe a sigh of relief because the feet in question don’t belong to Lena Dunham. As far as we know, the only naked Dunham moment in this production was the time she lifted her skirt and gave William Bradley Pitt the scare of his life. And as we know, Brad don’t scare easy.
The comedy pairing of black people’s nightmares: Amy Schumer and Lena Dunham have let it be known that they are good friends. And how did they become such close buddies? Did they braid each other’s hair while listening to the new Taylor Swift album? Did they make potpourri together with organic-grown daffodils? Did they stumble upon each other at Whole Foods and get into a deep conversation about gluten allergies? No! It turns out they bonded over the fact that both of them are well-hated by the public. I mean… I guess we all have something in common with someone…
Lena Dunham has written a 1,300 word apology to Aurora Perrineau which was published by The Hollywood Reporter, and approximately 1,000 of those words are about what a brave survivor she is, and you already know the “she” I am referring to is Lena. If you’re into extreme self-care and somehow missed it (blessings unto you), Lena feels bad because last year she (and her ex-partner Jenni Konner, who I hope doesnt think we forgot about her ass) publicly defended her friend and Girls writer Murray Miller against rape allegations made by Aurora who filed a police report and claimed that Murray sexually assaulted her in his home in 2012 when she was 17-years-old. For this, Lena is sorry.
You guys are so lucky. A journalist had to spend at least a month receiving very personal text messages from Lena Dunham, then had to visit her at both her California bungalow and her parents’ “stately residence” and interview her for what probably amounted to hours upon hours of solipsistic tedium. Then I had to read the resulting profile which gave me a migraine and mild indigestion. Now you get to sit there wherever you are and reap the benefits of our suffering. Think about that when you tell your friend later that you read somewhere that Lena is thinking about adopting a “hairless black puppy” that she wants to name Rosa but was worried people would be mad at her “bc of Rosa Parks bc” she has to “consider those things”. So, consider that!
As of tomorrow, the world will have one less platform on which to receive the blessed teachings of Lena Dunham. Digiday reports that Lena’s newsletter cum blogsite, Lenny Letter, will be going off into 404 Page Not Found heaven after today. But rest assured, those thirsting for more Lena than is reasonable, will always have Instagram.
I figured the first rule of Taylor Swift friendship was you don’t talk about Taylor Swift friendship, but Lena Dunham doesn’t play by rules. When she was on Andy Cohen’s shit-stirring show known as Watch What Happens Live, she was asked to play “Plead The Fifth” with fellow guest Maggie Gyllenhaal. While her answer for who was the most misogynistic in Hollywood (Daniel Tosh for body shaming her), even I let out an anxious squeak when Andy asked Lena to say who was her least-favorite Taylor ex…while she sat next to the sister of one of Taylor’s exes!