Blair Waldorf And Seth Cohen Are Getting Married

Adam Brody, that dude I always mistake for that hipster Monchichi on Gossip Girl, and Leighton Meester, that girl I always mistake for the one who isn’t Mischa Barton from The OC, are getting married. I don’t know whether CW executives are furiously fapping to this news or furiously working on an OC/Gossip Girl crossover movie where Seth Cohen marries Blair Waldorf.

People confirms that Adam and Leighton, who have been doing it full-time for less than a year, are engaged. People doesn’t have any more details other than that. I can’t wait for the wedding when Chuck Bass and Summer Roberts try to stop the marriage from happening while Mischa Barton sneaks in and steals the table centerpieces to sell on eBay for some quick cash.

And I guess this is sort of big news for whores who were tweens in 2007.

To put things into perspective for whores who were tweens in the 1990s like myself, this is as if Brenda Walsh from 90210 married Billy from Melrose Place in real life. To put things into perspective for whores who were tweens in the 1980s, this is as if Alexis Carrington married JR Ewing in real life. To put things into perspective for whores who were tweens in the 1590s, this is as if the actor who played Juliet in Romeo & Juliet married the actor who played Prince Edward in Richard III. (I don’t know what I’m talking about.)

The UGGliest Shit I’ve Seen Today

The day is young, I know. First, there were the non-shirtless picture of Mah Boo with a bellybutton-less Kathy Griffin that made my nipple holes frown, and now here’s Leighton Meester on the set of Chismoso Girl with her cankles deep in studded shit. Thursday is more like Hurlsday.

Aren’t they supposed to be like fancy ~fashionista~ types on Gossip Girl who won’t even shove a tampon up their twat unless it’s made by Hermes? But yet shit like this flies? You would think that a trick who made a foot fetish tape would be more respectful of her feet and what goes on them. How can Leighton stare into the foot mirror in her solid gold trailer and think that wearing a pair of UGGs that look like they were made by minions during Hell’s craft hour using the hallowed legs of a minotaur and the shit berries of a hell hound is okay. It’s not okay. Leaving a mound of pooch poo on the sidewalk is illegal in Manhattan, but wearing those things out in public is not? Way to give a bitch mixed messages.

I watched an episode of Animal Hoarders last night where the chick kept her dead kittens frozen in the freezer right next to her ice cream. The thought of eating Blue Bunny ice cream infused with freezer burned kitten air doesn’t gross me out as much as that shit on Leighton’s feet does.

It’s like somebody thought those UGGs were thirsty creatures from Dante’s Inferno and tried to murder them dead with round bullets. Well…since I put it that way….

The Time Bubbles Gave Whitney Houston A Toe Job

David Gest really needs to keep his bestiality fantasies involving Bubbles, Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson to himself, because the world doesn’t want to know the SUCIONESS that slithers around in the gutters of his imagination. Okay, maybe we do, because if he did keep that mess to himself we’d never have this hilariously creepy story about a chimp’s toe sucking fetish. This is what David Gest said during a Michael Jackson documentary that’s supposed to air in the UK this October:

“Whitney was having dinner with Michael at his Neverland home when she accidentally dropped her knife under the table. While Michael was retrieving it for her, Whitney felt her toes being sucked. She moaned, ‘Michael, is that you? Don’t stop. That’s so sensual’. Yet Michael’s head popped up and her toes were still being sucked. It turned out it was Bubbles.”

HAHAHAHA. David needs to show us the receipts or shut his second face, because this really reads like bad fan fiction. Like Whitney would ever use the word “sensual.” Bitch isn’t Courtney Stodden! Whitney would say something like “Ooooh, baby, suck the dirt out of that nail!” or “Get that jam like your tongue is peanut butter and we’re trying to swirl up some Goobers!” or “When you’re done there, baby, use that sweet suction cup mouth to suck out my doodie bubble, because I got a boatload with a stuck anchor.”

Wait. Maybe that’s why they call him BUBBLES?! Shit. Good. Night.

via The Mirror

Leighton Meester Beat Her Mom With A Bottle

Last week, Leighton Meester threw a lawsuit at her prison bitch mother Constance Meester (that’s Connie the Con if you’ve ever used commissary soap as pussy lube) for trying to pull $10,000 a month out of her by saying they had a verbal contract. Yeah, some “our tongues shook on it” shit. Leighton also said in the documents that she gave Connie $7,500 a month and the money was supposed to be used to care for her sick younger brother, but her mom bought a new face (Botox, etc…) and new hair (weaves, etc….) instead.

Connie is now countersuing Leighton for some shit I swear she pulled out of White Oprah’s ass. No, seriously. Connie went up to fellow pimp mom White Oprah and told her that Leighton is trying to cut her off. White Oprah calculated some things in her head and then shat out the solution: A COUNTERSUIT! Because the legal equivalent of a pimp smack is a countersuit.

E! Online says that Connie gave up her life so that Leighton could make it in the business that is show. Connie moved her family to New York for Gossip Girl and then moved them back to Los Angeles all for Leighton’s career. Like any good pimp, Connie kept track of all the cash she put out for acting classes and private schools, and says Leighton owes her $230,000. Connie went even harder by saying that she’s legally a “dependent adult” due to a medical condition and is eligible for parental support. Because Leighton stopped paying Connie’s bills, her house fell into foreclosure and she doesn’t have health insurance anymore.

Connie’s son and Leighton brother recently had brain surgery to get rid of a tumor, and she claims her daughter is trying to turn him against her. Connie says that Leighton threatened to stop paying his medical bills if he didn’t move to New York.

Finally, Connie is trying to paint Leighton as a crazy cunt beast who brought the prison yard to the living room when she attacked her mother with a bottle last December.

If White Oprah is a piece of work, then Connie the Con is a piece of art in The Museum of Shameless Whore Mothers. Basically, charging your own child for renting out your uterus and eating your food for 18 years is a genius move. Connie had no choice but to get plastic surgery since all those times she woke up in the middle of the night from Leighton’s selfish baby screams fucked with her face. “Leighton owes her!” – every reasonable judge in America

Forget gold digging, get me on the “dependent adult” ticket. All I have to do is find a way to birth out a child, push said child out onto the ho stroll until they start bringing in the checks and then claim that due to some medical condition (concave anus, can’t wipe myself, etc…) they have to pay my bills for the rest of their lives! If I wasn’t allergic to -20 count thread sheets, I’d check into prison since you obviously learn the best cons there.

Leighton Meester Is Suing Her Own Mother

Professional Minka Kelly impersonator (or is it the other way around?) Leighton Meester of Gossip Girl is making Christmas dinner all sorts of awkward by throwing a lawsuit at the woman who gave birth to her in prison. Leighton is suing her mother for shaking her shit down. TMZ reports that Leighton was giving her mother $7,500 a month, but the money was supposed to go to the care of her sick younger brother. Well, Leighton’s mother would’ve paid the balance on those medical bills, but she sort of used up all the money on plastic surgery and hair weaves instead. Oops.

Leighton’s mother Constance refused to get a job, but she felt bad for her brother so she kept sending money. Once Leighton learned that the cash was going to keep Constance’s face plastic fresh, she closed her wallet to her mother. That’s when Constance’s prison days came in to play and she tried to convince Leighton that they had made a verbal agreement and her daughter was supposed to send her $10,000 a month. Constance never pulled out a shank made from a toothbrush, but she did pull out a threat. Constance threatened to sue Leighton for $3 million if she didn’t get her monthly allowance. Leighton is now asking a judge to declare that there is no contract between them.

You can take the mom out of the prison….

I’m surprised Connie The Con (her prison name, of course) didn’t sneak up on Leighton while she was sleeping, put a razor to her froat and whisper into her ear that she’d better add a carton of Reds to her monthly allowance or she’ll cut her in the showers. Didn’t Connie learn that this is not how you swindle cash of out of your celebrity child? You blackmail them with threats that you’ll leak ESCANDALOSO pictures of them to The National Enquirer? Didn’t White Oprah teach her the protocol of stealing from your own child during the weekly pimp mom meetings?

What A Difference A Year Makes

This time last year, Vanilla Gorilla was making the award show rounds with Sandra Bullock, right before the Bombshit McGee hit the fan, and here he is back in his monkey suite with Kat Von D at the The Art of Elysium charity gala in L.A. last night. And Vanilla Gorilla still looks like he’s in the middle of an embalming fluid colonic and the technician is like, “HOLD IT IN!!!” Just uncomfortable as all hell.

Kat Von D, wearing a dress so tight I can see the outline of her labia tattoo, is all over his ass and he’s just standing there as stiff as an Alfred Hitchcock silhouette poster hanging over a hillbilly’s trailer toilet. It’s like he’d rather be at temple than in front of the camera. But not Kat Von D. Bitch is loving it. She wants you to talk about the ring on her LOOKIMNOTENGAGEDIMJUSTLOOKINGFORFUCKINGATTENTION finger. Moving on…

You know, The Art of Elysium gala should have temporarily changed its name to the Art of Asylum gala, because bitches looked straight-up CRAZY last night. Julia Stiles was greasy and bloated for no reason. Unless her reason is that she’s pregnant with a pizza slice from Chuck E. Cheese. Seriously, you can wring out a slice of Chuck E. Cheese pizza and have enough lube to last night you the rest of the year.

But nobody brought the crazy last night the way Rachel Griffiths (below left) did. Rachel was in Six Feet Under, so she usually gets a free pass from me, but I cannot ignore this disaster. Bitch, Jane Child (below right), YOU ARE NOT.

Leave the frizzy Beeker mullets to the professionals! Rachel was definitely trying to summon the second coming of Jane Child, but she looked more like Billy Ray Cyrus at his audition for the role of Magua in The Last of the Mohicans. Rachel, meditate more or fire your hair stylist so this never happens again.

Here’s a few others at last night’s event including: Kat Von D with VG, Rachel Ray Cyrus with her husband Andrew Taylor, DEVO!!!!, Eva Mendes, Kiki Dunst, Rachel Bilson, Leighton Meester, Nicole Richie, Amber Heard, James Franco, Camilla Belle with Jakey, Julia Stiles, Gerard Butler, Jennifer Hate Hewitt and Kelly Osbourne.