If for whatever reason I flatline and doctors try to bring me back, tell them to skip to the 1:02 mark in the video above and play it near my heart, because this masterpiece has given me life several times today and it will continue to give me life.
At the premiere of American Horror Story: Freak Show in L.A. on Sunday, Lea Michele did what Lea Michele always does: She nearly fractured her try hard bone while posing like a child beauty pageant queen on red wine and pills. Lea’s not even in that show and she was still posing like she’s the star. If there’s one thing Jessica Lange doesn’t have time for, it’s everything. But if there’s one thing Jessica Lange REALLY doesn’t have time for, it’s a peasant trying hard to bring the sexy while posing in a marathon posing session that goes on forever.
While posing for her life, Lea catches the sparkle from a true star out of the corner of her eye and her entire face lits up when Jessica sashays on through. In Lea’s head, she thinks Jessica Lange is going to stop, hug her, bow at her feet, tell her how much she loves her voice and ask her to sing a song. Lea gladly sings a song for her biggest fan, Jessica Lange, and after she does Jessica asks her to sing another song and the premiere eventually turns into a giant Lea Michele concert. But that didn’t happen. This happened instead. Move that cone, bitches, a real STAR is coming through:
Lea is me and Jessica is all of my exes every time I try to say hi to them in public.
I was going to say that Lea’s bronzer must’ve turned pasty white from all the shade Jessica threw at her, but that’s not even shade. That’s a one hundred percent, beautiful diss. That’s some “Oh darling, you’re about as interesting to me as that red stripe in the background “ shit. But you know, I am a little jealous of Lea Michele, because it’s an honor to get snubbed by Jessica Lange.
Aspiring gold diggers and low-level star fuckers rejoice! TMZ says that after four months of dating, current obnoxious network television showtune screamer and future Legends in Concert Barbra Streisand impersonator Lea Michele has made the dreams of her former trick-turning boyfriend Matthew Paetz come true by moving him out of his apartment and into her $1.4 million Hollywood home. Cut to all of Matthew’s former coworkers busting a celebratory nut in honor of Matthew’s flawless gold digging achievements.
A source claims that Matthew packed all his possessions into a U-Haul this weekend (a partially-used IKEA futon, 22 cheetah-print g-strings, a pack of Trojan Fire & Ice condoms, his client list) and moved in with his MILF-looking sugar mama. Next on his to-do list: quit his job (is “former hooker” a job?) so he can concentrate on executing his next gold digging move: trying to knock her up with a baby wannabe Barbra. You can do it Matthew! You’ve practically been training your whole life for this moment! I know you’ve got the house, but don’t get lazy Matthew; a good gold digger always keeps reaching for that dollar-covered rainbow!
I’m sure this crafty hooker thinks he’s hit the lottery, but he probably shouldn’t say sayonara to his shitty shared studio apartment in the valley just yet. He’s going to want a place to escape every day at 1pm when Lea gets day-drunk on boxed white wine and turns into her alter-ego, a horny middle-aged former stripper/aspiring Shih Tzu breeder named “Misty” who begs him to take her to Applebees for happy hours so they can role-play a game she calls ‘Sexy Cougar meets Desperate Gigolo’.
And here’s Lea and Matthew celebrating their terrible life decision/proud moment in shameless star fucking by calling the paps and going for a “hike” on Sunday. Lea truly has that new-hooker-roomate-attention-whore glow about her, doesn’t she? Or maybe that’s just the Urban Decay marshmallow-flavored body shimmer (cougars love edible body shimmer).
Obnoxious TV chanteuse and Barbra Streisand’s wide-awake nightmare Lea Michele took time out from rehearsing for the upcoming and imaginary Yentl 2 (which will be shot in her bedroom and star only her) to walk Matthew Paetz. Hey, you. Wake up! This is important shit. Lea Michele, her boyfriend, and a water bottle in TreePeople Park in Beverly Hills yesterday. There should be a hashtag.
Lea’s keeping it tight and alright for her bought-and-paid-for dick and probably trying to sweat out the remaining booze toxins from her appearance at the Teen Choice Is A Lie Awards two weeks ago. She…actually, never mind her. The whore is kinda hotsy, huh? Abs. It was irritating when he put the shirt on and covered it up. Dude, you’re only with a girl with that sort of revolting personality for two possible reasons ($ and/or press). You will probably end up receiving more of those if you keep those nips out.
Check out more pics of Lea Michele and “massage therapist/life coach” Matthew Paetz in the gallery below.
Aspiring discount Barbra Streisand impersonator Lea Michele is only 27-years-old, but for some reason she decided to show up to the Teen Choice Awards – an award show for teens – last night looking like a horny wine-guzzling 45-year-old recently divorced mother of two named Nikki (real name: Laura) who just got kicked out of the bar at The Cheesecake Factory for pretending to give a bottle of ketchup a hand job and offering to show the bus boys her new lips. “Guess which ones? Wink! Hey, whaddaya mean I have to leave!? I’m not even finished my Typhoon Punch yet!”
I do sincerely love that Lea Michele is embracing her inner “former stripper turned Tampa tanning salon assistant manager”, because cheap n’ slutty is always the look, but she’s not totally committing to it. Are those her natural nails? Egads, NO! The only time a middle-aged Bebe-wearing MILF mess leaves the house without thick acrylic porn star blow job nail tips is when she’s on her way to get new ones put on. And why is her neck so bare? Someone check the red carpet for a silver-plated “Tiffanee & Co.” chain choker ($1.99 at the swap meet when you buy a knock-off Coach wristlet) with a heart-shaped dog tag that has the word “SEXXY” engraved on the back, because clearly it fell off when she tried to dry hump the surfboard.
Here’s more of Lea Michele at the Teen Choice Awards looking like the kind of day-drunk mom who runs upstairs and changes into a bikini when her teenage son’s friends come over after school, as well as girl group Fifth Harmony (who all look like $2 budget mall rat perfection), Nina Dobrev, Selena Gomez, Frankie Grande’s less-famous sister, Zendaya doing what she thinks is an homage to Madonna, and a couple of random call girls from Calabasas.
Chris Colfer, the baby dolphin with human legs and arms who has played Kurt on Glee since the beginning, tweeted this out today:
Some took that to mean that those Blind Items are made of truth and in the behind-the-scenes game of Hunger Games that the Glee cast is playing, Darren Criss got Chris Colfer killed off. But I took it to mean that Chris Colfer finally had a nervous breakdown after the costume department insisted that his character still dress like a 70s era gay on a Peter Allen-themed cruise (or like Monroe from Too Close For Comfort).
A quick minute after that tweet went up, Chris’ manager, agent, publicist, assistant, assistant’s second cousin, first grade teacher, substitute first grade teacher, the first dude he blew and the dolphin dentist who cleans his baby teeth all screamed the word “HACKED!” and claimed that Chris Colfer didn’t tweet that shit. Chris Colfer is not leaving Glee. It was a Third of July prank.
But really, who thought that Kurt got fired? They need Kurt for the final episode. They need every ho from that show even that blonde cheerleader they all hate. They need them all. Because in the last episode, Sue Sylvester is finally going to lose her mind and slaughter all of those annoying brats for slaughtering song after song after song after song. Then as those brats’ dead, bloody bodies lie in a mountain of carnage, Lea Michele will climb on top of those corpses she’s more talented than and sing a Barbra Streisand melody while a montage of Rachel’s greatest moments play. It’ll be the perfect metaphor and a perfect ending. So yeah, they need Kurt. They need his dead, bloody body!
And here’s Lea Michele in a totally natural and not-at-all set-up photo shoot with her hooker whore boyfriend in L.A. yesterday. These were all taken on the same day. That bitch really is a high school drama student to the core. Even her staged photo shoots have costume changes.
TMZ says that nearly a year after Cory Monteith died of a heroin overdose, Lea Michele has thrown her cooch back into the game and is supposedly humping on life coach/massage therapist Matthew Paetz who apparently used to sell his ass and dick under the name “Christian” for the escort agency Cowboys4Angels. (His profile was taken down today.) Some of the hos from Cowboys4Angels starred in Showtime’s greatest achievement “Gigolos” but Matthew Paetz wasn’t one of those hos. The writers of Glee must be declaring themselves the Miss Cleos of this generation, because last season Lea’s just as annoying character dated a ho. This makes sense, because most tricks would need a stack of hundreds to deal with Lea yodeling out a Barbra Streisand song when she orgasms.
According to TMZ, Matthew whipped his leased peen out for $350 an hour (or $6,000 a weekend or $17,500 a week) as recently as April, but that might’ve been the last time he turned tricks. Matthew stopped hooking when he started dating Lea. UsWeekly says that they met a few months ago when he was in her video for “On My Way.”
I’m sure Lea will say that she’s only dating Matthew Paetz as research for when she eventually plays the Barbra Streisand role in a remake of Nuts (because in Lea’s delusional mind, she’ll eventually play all the Barbra Streisand roles in all the remakes of Barbra Streisand’s movies).
You know, I’m all for getting dick anyway you can get it, but bitch must be on a serious budget. Because if money was no object and she truly wanted the hottest piece that money can buy, she’d sell her house, sell her cars and empty out her savings accounts to the buy the Statue of David of Cowboys4Angels. She’d treat herself to some BRACE THE FACE!
There’s a reason why the deep fried, chewed-up, dragged-through-the-mud Ken Doll is always making a “You can’t afford this ass” face, because most hos (see: Lea Michele) can’t afford that ass.
Lea Michele, the Peanut M&M to Anne Hathaway’s Plain, admitted to the Queen B of future acute liver failure Chelsea Handler Thursday night that she’s been sipping on the good stuff since she was in diapers. Chelsea Handler, who currently wears diapers to prevent making a mess on the couch when she inevitably blacks out and pisses herself, must have given her a “so what?” face.
“I’m Italian, so at the dinner table it would be like Pellegrino, a jug of soda and a huge thing of wine. Everyone was just drinking wine, like it was part of what you would have along with your dinner. Growing up, I’d be having dinner with my boyfriend and his parents and I’d be like, ‘Where’s the wine? Pass the wine.’ At like 17! And they’re like, ‘This girl’s crazy.’”
But before you start imagining a wine-wasted Lea drunkenly crawling onto the dinner table and slurring out Rose’s Turn from Gypsy in front of her boyfriend’s parents, she says it wasn’t like that.
“When they make it so you can have it, then you don’t want it. It’s when they’re like, ‘You can’t have this,’ kids are like, ‘We gotta get that booze.’”
She’s right though; when booze is locked away in secret, it makes it seem so delicious. When I was a kid, there was a giant bottle of delicous-looking potato vodka in the basement that always seemed to be calling my name. When I finally got up the courage to sneak it into the crawlspace, I was horrified that it smelled like rubbing alcohol and compost. I didn’t end up drinking any, but not because it smelled gross; there were too many Barbie dolls in the crawlspace judging me with their disapproving eyes.
And I think it was maybe a good idea for Lea’s parents to treat booze as not being a big deal. I mean, a sober Lea Michele is next-level annoying as it is, so I don’t want to imagine what we’d get after she sneak-slammed a quart of the hard shit.
I’ve looked at close to 1,000 pictures from last night’s Met Gala and I’m still having trouble identifying what in he hell the theme was supposed to be (so far I’ve narrowed it down to either Cheap & Tacky or A Tribute to Basic Bitches), but I do know that the theme was definitely not A Salute to The Sopranos, so can someone explain why Lea Michele showed up looking like one of the strippers from the Bada Bing on her way to Pauly Walnuts’s nephew’s Christening? Lea, those nails though – STAHP. The acrylic is so thick, it looks like your hand should be wrapped around a dick in the Champagne Room, while the other hand checks to make sure your Ardell Fashion Lashes aren’t falling off.
Or maybe this is Lea’s way of telling the producers on Glee that they can go ahead and officially send a basket of pink slips to Mayan Riviera’s trailer, because she can do sexy all by herself. Except that she can’t, because she looks about as sexy as a hammerhead shark trying to hold in a painful hot sauce fart at Studio 54. Why do I get the feeling that she spent most of the night slinking up behind people and whispering: “Lookin’ for a good time? Just kidding! It’s me, beautiful Broadway and television superstar Lea Michele, but I bet you thought it was someone very sexy, right? I’m an incredibly versatile, talented actress. Here, allow me to demonstrate through song…”
And of all the sexy faces she practiced in the mirror before she left for the Met Gala, why did she go with ‘pill-drowsy MILF eye-fucking her son’s friends at his college graduation party’?
Almost two weeks ago, TMZ said that the fourth place loser of a Barbra Streisand sound-alike karaoke contest Lea Michele and the prototype for a Kim Kardashian Bratz doll Naya Rivera were both involved in a messy situation on the Glee set that ended with one of them dramatically leaving the set. Blind Gossip also had a blind item about how Naya’s engagement to Big Sean ended after one of her co-stars (hmmm, I wonder who that was?) hopped on his tube pillow dick. Well, this morning PopWrapped (via NYDN) said that Naya was told to pack up her new face and get the fuck out of there.
A source (Hi, Lea!) says that Naya’s trailer was packed up and she was told she won’t be in the season 5 finale and won’t be in season 6, which is the final season, at all. Their source (Hi again, Lea!) said that Lea had nothing to do with Naya getting pink slipped and it was the producers’ decision. Kristin at E! also said that Naya won’t be in the season 5 finale, but she wasn’t fired and no decision has been made about Naya being in the final season. A “show insider” told Kristin that Naya was supposed to be in the season 5 finale, but she was written out of the script and the change has nothing to do with Lea. The “show insider” also said this:
“We love Naya and want only the best for her. Hopefully we can work it out. We all needed a moment. [This break is] best for everyone.”
The inside source went on to say, “And if Naya doesn’t come back, we always have Lea. Lea’s beauty and talent can carry the rest of the season and can carry the final season. In fact, if every cast member but Lea left the show, the show would be better because of it. Lea is Glee and we should really just change the title to Glea. And..and…and OH GOD, Lea, please don’t threaten to sing another Barbra Streisand song into my ear. I said what you told me to say! Please! MERCY!”
Glee’s current ratings are at an all-time low, but they’ll raise higher than what Lea Michele thinks of herself if they turned the cameras around and gave us the backstage fuckery that’s supposedly going down. Over the past couple of months, Blind Gossip has had several blind items about how Lea Michele and Chris Colfer are in cahoots and have been working together to push Naya Rivera and Darren Criss off of the show. There’s been more backstabbing and diva theatrics than what happens backstage at the Queen of Scientology pageant (you know what I’m talking about, Tommy Girl and Travolta!). TMZ says that on Tuesday, the drama between Barbra Streisand’s second Wednesday matinee standby and Kim Kardashian’s klone got so bad that one of them was kicked off of the set.
Team Naya claims that Lea held up production when she stepped away from the set to deal with personal crap. After the cast and crew waited around for a while, Naya went to the producers to bitch to them that Lea is a lit matchstick shoved up everyone’s asshole. They’re all over her shit. Lea heard about Naya’s talk with the producers and dramatically exited stage left and never came back to the set.
But Team Lea has a different story. They say that Lea and Naya weren’t even shooting scenes together and she didn’t know that Kim Kartrashian’s badly-made wax figure complained about her. Team Lea says that Naya was kicked off of the set. The source also claims that Naya was fired. Team Naya denies she was given BYE BITCH walking papers.
To add another layer of ESCANDALO to this mess, Blind Gossip posted a blind item on Tuesday about a TV actress who broke up with her musician boyfriend after she read text messages on his phone between him and one of her co-stars whom he allegedly screwed on the side.
This pretty television Actress and her musical Fiancee recently broke up. Lots of rumors and public accusations flying back and forth: Controlling! Flirtatious! Insecure! Jealous! Cheater! Thief!
While both sides are spinning publicly, we know that there are two facts that both sides privately acknowledge as being true.
The first is that she broke up with him. Yes, we know he said that he is the one who called off the wedding, but that’s not true. She ended it.
The second is why she ended it. He cheated on her. Our Actress found a series of text messages on The Fiancee’s phone from a woman with whom he had hooked up on multiple occasions. It wasn’t the first time she caught him cheating, but it was with whom he was cheating that was the final straw.
Of course there was a huge fight. She yelled at him for being a liar and a cheat. He yelled right back that he did it because he was tired of her flirting with other guys. He also told Our Actress that she could have a hundred plastic surgeries but she was never going to be as hot as his famous colleague’s celebrity Significant Other (who is The Fiancee’s idea of physical perfection). Ouch.
You know the rest. Couples therapy, breakup, accusations, spin.
This is obviously about Naya and Big Sean. Most of the blind item aficionados at Blind Gossip think the side piece costar is Lea Michele, but I’m not sure. If Lea was taking a ride on Big Sean’s fat moray eel dick, I think we’d all know it. Because we’d see pictures of Lea dragging the organs that fell out of her vag from Big Sean fucking her. So I’m guessing the home wrecking side piece slut is either Unique, Demi Lovato or Lord Tubbington. It was obviously Lord Tubbington.
Look at that slut with his legs wide. He’s practically bragging about it.