Halsey is one of the music industry’s most frequent red carpet messes, so it’s not a surprise that she would show up to the Billboard Music Awards last night in an outfit that says: “Book my stylist the next appointment at the nearest Pearle Vision.”
That bra is all kinds of tragic. It’s both too big and too small, like some kind of physics-defying underwire nightmare. If that bra could talk, it would beg Halsey to leave it at home and take a set of nipple pasties instead. On the upside, it is nice to see that someone finally purchased the most discounted bra from the clearance section of Ross. But don’t cry for Halsey’s bra. I see a bright future for it. I bet an agent has already signed it to appear as the uncomfortable before bra in an Ahh Bra infomercial.
I was going to title this post “Open Post: Hosted By The Big Lots Clearance Section Barbra Streisand Getting Naked On Instagram,” but I didn’t want to be responsible for the cold disappointment that would cover your genitals after reading the words “Barbra Streisand” and “naked” and not seeing a naked Babs anywhere in this post. I couldn’t do that to your fuck parts.
Lea Michele decided to rack up a thousand Instagram THOT points yesterday by sharing her nakedness with her 4.2 million followers. My thoughts and prayers are with the woodland creatures whose delicate ears were fucked raw by the high-pitch sound of Lea screeching at whoever took this picture while directing them. But on a positive note, I am impressed at Lea Michele’s strength and ability to hold her head up while she’s obviously suffering from severe dehydration and is thirstier than James Franco in 127 Hours.
And that picture is incomplete without Jessica Lange sashaying by while mistaking Lea Michele for background:
Lea Michele (or as Dlisted idol Jessica Lange calls her, “Wall.“) is apparently filled with the sads because she’s not longer getting filled by that hot piece of hooker man named Matthew Paetz. Lea’s rep confirms to People that Lea is no longer humping on her gigolo turned dating coach boyfriend after nearly 2 years together. There goes my dream of these two getting married by Matthew’s fellow gigolo (and the jerky-fied adonis) Brace The Face. Damn both of them for that!
People’s source said this about how Lea’s dealing with the break-up:
“Lea is surrounded by her friends, who have rallied around her and support her. She’s doing fine, focusing on her work, her music and her album.”
Just last month, the try hard pose master and her dude did some lukewarm stage 1 “canoodling” at a basketball game (see: pictures below) and she also squirted out a geyser of happiness about him during an interview on PodcastOne’s Fempire show. Lea said that she was extremely happy with Matthew and she knows her late boyfriend Cory Monteith would approve.
A different source tells UsWeekly that Matthew is the one who did the dumping and it left Lea spiraling into a puddle of sadness on the floor where she sang an acoustic version of her idol’s song “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers.” The source says that Matthew had enough. The source doesn’t say what he had enough of. (SPOILER ALERT: He had enough of Lea randomly singing Barbra Streisand songs any chance she got.)
“He had enough,” the insider tells Us. “She was completely crushed.”
And the odds for reconciliation are zero. “He won’t take her back,” the source adds.
Lea Michele probably learned an extremely valuable lesson. She learned that you should always pay all of your bills on time. Because if you keep saying, “Eh, I’ll have my accountant pay it next week,” every time a late notice from your hot hooker man lands on your bedside table, he’ll eventually have enough of it and will repossess his peen from your fuck part before sending you to collections. But seriously, this is sad news for us eyebrow aficionados. Because the phrase, “A couple that plucks and threads together, stays together,” is obviously not true.
“Here they are, y’all! Take a good look, cause you might not get to see ’em for another couple of hours!”
The amfAR Inspiration Los Angeles Gala honoring Tom Ford was held on Wednesday night, and guess who showed up with her tits out? That’s right, everyone’s favorite permanent marker-huffing chipmunk Miley Cyrus! But since the amfAR Gala is some fancy shit, she knew she it would be inappropriate to roll up in a high-cut thong and weed leaf pasties. So instead, she decided to bust open a Sheer Elegance L’eggs, wear them as a shirt, and wrap up her backwoods nipple bits in some black duct tape. Miley is nothing if not a klassy lassy, after all.
THIS is how you do tasteful black tie elegance. Why wear a boring-ass evening gown when you can look like the crazy hillbilly cousin of Leeloo Dallas? Or a slutty futuristic project manager from Blade Runner? Or a waitress at an adults-only murder mystery dinner theater? Or a rejected member of The Black Tape Project (NSFW)? Or a goth figure skater? I could literally go on for hours, but you get the picture. BITCH LOOKS HOT!
And adding to the already dangerously high levels of Appalachian sophistication, Miley brought her gorgeous mom Tish Cyrus as her date. Sadly, Tish didn’t also dress like a slutty BDSM mime; instead, she wore a satin tablecloth and did her hair in a fancy show pony braid. Oh well, next time!
Here’s more of Miley looking like a low-budget Pris Stratton (because you need that in your life), as well as Lea Michele who – SURPRISE SURPRISE – was serving up middle-aged horny cougar realness, Alessandra Ambrosia Salad wearing the Las Vegas showgirl version of Miley’s outfit, and a bunch of boring covered-up hos:
If for whatever reason I flatline and doctors try to bring me back, tell them to skip to the 1:02 mark in the video above and play it near my heart, because this masterpiece has given me life several times today and it will continue to give me life.
At the premiere of American Horror Story: Freak Show in L.A. on Sunday, Lea Michele did what Lea Michele always does: She nearly fractured her try hard bone while posing like a child beauty pageant queen on red wine and pills. Lea’s not even in that show and she was still posing like she’s the star. If there’s one thing Jessica Lange doesn’t have time for, it’s everything. But if there’s one thing Jessica Lange REALLY doesn’t have time for, it’s a peasant trying hard to bring the sexy while posing in a marathon posing session that goes on forever.
While posing for her life, Lea catches the sparkle from a true star out of the corner of her eye and her entire face lits up when Jessica sashays on through. In Lea’s head, she thinks Jessica Lange is going to stop, hug her, bow at her feet, tell her how much she loves her voice and ask her to sing a song. Lea gladly sings a song for her biggest fan, Jessica Lange, and after she does Jessica asks her to sing another song and the premiere eventually turns into a giant Lea Michele concert. But that didn’t happen. This happened instead. Move that cone, bitches, a real STAR is coming through:
Lea is me and Jessica is all of my exes every time I try to say hi to them in public.
I was going to say that Lea’s bronzer must’ve turned pasty white from all the shade Jessica threw at her, but that’s not even shade. That’s a one hundred percent, beautiful diss. That’s some “Oh darling, you’re about as interesting to me as that red stripe in the background “ shit. But you know, I am a little jealous of Lea Michele, because it’s an honor to get snubbed by Jessica Lange.
Aspiring gold diggers and low-level star fuckers rejoice! TMZ says that after four months of dating, current obnoxious network television showtune screamer and future Legends in Concert Barbra Streisand impersonator Lea Michele has made the dreams of her former trick-turning boyfriend Matthew Paetz come true by moving him out of his apartment and into her $1.4 million Hollywood home. Cut to all of Matthew’s former coworkers busting a celebratory nut in honor of Matthew’s flawless gold digging achievements.
A source claims that Matthew packed all his possessions into a U-Haul this weekend (a partially-used IKEA futon, 22 cheetah-print g-strings, a pack of Trojan Fire & Ice condoms, his client list) and moved in with his MILF-looking sugar mama. Next on his to-do list: quit his job (is “former hooker” a job?) so he can concentrate on executing his next gold digging move: trying to knock her up with a baby wannabe Barbra. You can do it Matthew! You’ve practically been training your whole life for this moment! I know you’ve got the house, but don’t get lazy Matthew; a good gold digger always keeps reaching for that dollar-covered rainbow!
I’m sure this crafty hooker thinks he’s hit the lottery, but he probably shouldn’t say sayonara to his shitty shared studio apartment in the valley just yet. He’s going to want a place to escape every day at 1pm when Lea gets day-drunk on boxed white wine and turns into her alter-ego, a horny middle-aged former stripper/aspiring Shih Tzu breeder named “Misty” who begs him to take her to Applebees for happy hours so they can role-play a game she calls ‘Sexy Cougar meets Desperate Gigolo’.
And here’s Lea and Matthew celebrating their terrible life decision/proud moment in shameless star fucking by calling the paps and going for a “hike” on Sunday. Lea truly has that new-hooker-roomate-attention-whore glow about her, doesn’t she? Or maybe that’s just the Urban Decay marshmallow-flavored body shimmer (cougars love edible body shimmer).