Chris Colfer, the baby dolphin with human legs and arms who has played Kurt on Glee since the beginning, tweeted this out today:
Some took that to mean that those Blind Items are made of truth and in the behind-the-scenes game of Hunger Games that the Glee cast is playing, Darren Criss got Chris Colfer killed off. But I took it to mean that Chris Colfer finally had a nervous breakdown after the costume department insisted that his character still dress like a 70s era gay on a Peter Allen-themed cruise (or like Monroe from Too Close For Comfort).
A quick minute after that tweet went up, Chris’ manager, agent, publicist, assistant, assistant’s second cousin, first grade teacher, substitute first grade teacher, the first dude he blew and the dolphin dentist who cleans his baby teeth all screamed the word “HACKED!” and claimed that Chris Colfer didn’t tweet that shit. Chris Colfer is not leaving Glee. It was a Third of July prank.
But really, who thought that Kurt got fired? They need Kurt for the final episode. They need every ho from that show even that blonde cheerleader they all hate. They need them all. Because in the last episode, Sue Sylvester is finally going to lose her mind and slaughter all of those annoying brats for slaughtering song after song after song after song. Then as those brats’ dead, bloody bodies lie in a mountain of carnage, Lea Michele will climb on top of those corpses she’s more talented than and sing a Barbra Streisand melody while a montage of Rachel’s greatest moments play. It’ll be the perfect metaphor and a perfect ending. So yeah, they need Kurt. They need his dead, bloody body!
And here’s Lea Michele in a totally natural and not-at-all set-up photo shoot with her hooker whore boyfriend in L.A. yesterday. These were all taken on the same day. That bitch really is a high school drama student to the core. Even her staged photo shoots have costume changes.
TMZ says that nearly a year after Cory Monteith died of a heroin overdose, Lea Michele has thrown her cooch back into the game and is supposedly humping on life coach/massage therapist Matthew Paetz who apparently used to sell his ass and dick under the name “Christian” for the escort agency Cowboys4Angels. (His profile was taken down today.) Some of the hos from Cowboys4Angels starred in Showtime’s greatest achievement “Gigolos” but Matthew Paetz wasn’t one of those hos. The writers of Glee must be declaring themselves the Miss Cleos of this generation, because last season Lea’s just as annoying character dated a ho. This makes sense, because most tricks would need a stack of hundreds to deal with Lea yodeling out a Barbra Streisand song when she orgasms.
According to TMZ, Matthew whipped his leased peen out for $350 an hour (or $6,000 a weekend or $17,500 a week) as recently as April, but that might’ve been the last time he turned tricks. Matthew stopped hooking when he started dating Lea. UsWeekly says that they met a few months ago when he was in her video for “On My Way.”
I’m sure Lea will say that she’s only dating Matthew Paetz as research for when she eventually plays the Barbra Streisand role in a remake of Nuts (because in Lea’s delusional mind, she’ll eventually play all the Barbra Streisand roles in all the remakes of Barbra Streisand’s movies).
You know, I’m all for getting dick anyway you can get it, but bitch must be on a serious budget. Because if money was no object and she truly wanted the hottest piece that money can buy, she’d sell her house, sell her cars and empty out her savings accounts to the buy the Statue of David of Cowboys4Angels. She’d treat herself to some BRACE THE FACE!
There’s a reason why the deep fried, chewed-up, dragged-through-the-mud Ken Doll is always making a “You can’t afford this ass” face, because most hos (see: Lea Michele) can’t afford that ass.
Lea Michele, the Peanut M&M to Anne Hathaway’s Plain, admitted to the Queen B of future acute liver failure Chelsea Handler Thursday night that she’s been sipping on the good stuff since she was in diapers. Chelsea Handler, who currently wears diapers to prevent making a mess on the couch when she inevitably blacks out and pisses herself, must have given her a “so what?” face.
“I’m Italian, so at the dinner table it would be like Pellegrino, a jug of soda and a huge thing of wine. Everyone was just drinking wine, like it was part of what you would have along with your dinner. Growing up, I’d be having dinner with my boyfriend and his parents and I’d be like, ‘Where’s the wine? Pass the wine.’ At like 17! And they’re like, ‘This girl’s crazy.’”
But before you start imagining a wine-wasted Lea drunkenly crawling onto the dinner table and slurring out Rose’s Turn from Gypsy in front of her boyfriend’s parents, she says it wasn’t like that.
“When they make it so you can have it, then you don’t want it. It’s when they’re like, ‘You can’t have this,’ kids are like, ‘We gotta get that booze.’”
She’s right though; when booze is locked away in secret, it makes it seem so delicious. When I was a kid, there was a giant bottle of delicous-looking potato vodka in the basement that always seemed to be calling my name. When I finally got up the courage to sneak it into the crawlspace, I was horrified that it smelled like rubbing alcohol and compost. I didn’t end up drinking any, but not because it smelled gross; there were too many Barbie dolls in the crawlspace judging me with their disapproving eyes.
And I think it was maybe a good idea for Lea’s parents to treat booze as not being a big deal. I mean, a sober Lea Michele is next-level annoying as it is, so I don’t want to imagine what we’d get after she sneak-slammed a quart of the hard shit.
I’ve looked at close to 1,000 pictures from last night’s Met Gala and I’m still having trouble identifying what in he hell the theme was supposed to be (so far I’ve narrowed it down to either Cheap & Tacky or A Tribute to Basic Bitches), but I do know that the theme was definitely not A Salute to The Sopranos, so can someone explain why Lea Michele showed up looking like one of the strippers from the Bada Bing on her way to Pauly Walnuts’s nephew’s Christening? Lea, those nails though – STAHP. The acrylic is so thick, it looks like your hand should be wrapped around a dick in the Champagne Room, while the other hand checks to make sure your Ardell Fashion Lashes aren’t falling off.
Or maybe this is Lea’s way of telling the producers on Glee that they can go ahead and officially send a basket of pink slips to Mayan Riviera’s trailer, because she can do sexy all by herself. Except that she can’t, because she looks about as sexy as a hammerhead shark trying to hold in a painful hot sauce fart at Studio 54. Why do I get the feeling that she spent most of the night slinking up behind people and whispering: “Lookin’ for a good time? Just kidding! It’s me, beautiful Broadway and television superstar Lea Michele, but I bet you thought it was someone very sexy, right? I’m an incredibly versatile, talented actress. Here, allow me to demonstrate through song…”
And of all the sexy faces she practiced in the mirror before she left for the Met Gala, why did she go with ‘pill-drowsy MILF eye-fucking her son’s friends at his college graduation party’?
Almost two weeks ago, TMZ said that the fourth place loser of a Barbra Streisand sound-alike karaoke contest Lea Michele and the prototype for a Kim Kardashian Bratz doll Naya Rivera were both involved in a messy situation on the Glee set that ended with one of them dramatically leaving the set. Blind Gossip also had a blind item about how Naya’s engagement to Big Sean ended after one of her co-stars (hmmm, I wonder who that was?) hopped on his tube pillow dick. Well, this morning PopWrapped (via NYDN) said that Naya was told to pack up her new face and get the fuck out of there.
A source (Hi, Lea!) says that Naya’s trailer was packed up and she was told she won’t be in the season 5 finale and won’t be in season 6, which is the final season, at all. Their source (Hi again, Lea!) said that Lea had nothing to do with Naya getting pink slipped and it was the producers’ decision. Kristin at E! also said that Naya won’t be in the season 5 finale, but she wasn’t fired and no decision has been made about Naya being in the final season. A “show insider” told Kristin that Naya was supposed to be in the season 5 finale, but she was written out of the script and the change has nothing to do with Lea. The “show insider” also said this:
“We love Naya and want only the best for her. Hopefully we can work it out. We all needed a moment. [This break is] best for everyone.”
The inside source went on to say, “And if Naya doesn’t come back, we always have Lea. Lea’s beauty and talent can carry the rest of the season and can carry the final season. In fact, if every cast member but Lea left the show, the show would be better because of it. Lea is Glee and we should really just change the title to Glea. And..and…and OH GOD, Lea, please don’t threaten to sing another Barbra Streisand song into my ear. I said what you told me to say! Please! MERCY!”
Glee’s current ratings are at an all-time low, but they’ll raise higher than what Lea Michele thinks of herself if they turned the cameras around and gave us the backstage fuckery that’s supposedly going down. Over the past couple of months, Blind Gossip has had several blind items about how Lea Michele and Chris Colfer are in cahoots and have been working together to push Naya Rivera and Darren Criss off of the show. There’s been more backstabbing and diva theatrics than what happens backstage at the Queen of Scientology pageant (you know what I’m talking about, Tommy Girl and Travolta!). TMZ says that on Tuesday, the drama between Barbra Streisand’s second Wednesday matinee standby and Kim Kardashian’s klone got so bad that one of them was kicked off of the set.
Team Naya claims that Lea held up production when she stepped away from the set to deal with personal crap. After the cast and crew waited around for a while, Naya went to the producers to bitch to them that Lea is a lit matchstick shoved up everyone’s asshole. They’re all over her shit. Lea heard about Naya’s talk with the producers and dramatically exited stage left and never came back to the set.
But Team Lea has a different story. They say that Lea and Naya weren’t even shooting scenes together and she didn’t know that Kim Kartrashian’s badly-made wax figure complained about her. Team Lea says that Naya was kicked off of the set. The source also claims that Naya was fired. Team Naya denies she was given BYE BITCH walking papers.
To add another layer of ESCANDALO to this mess, Blind Gossip posted a blind item on Tuesday about a TV actress who broke up with her musician boyfriend after she read text messages on his phone between him and one of her co-stars whom he allegedly screwed on the side.
This pretty television Actress and her musical Fiancee recently broke up. Lots of rumors and public accusations flying back and forth: Controlling! Flirtatious! Insecure! Jealous! Cheater! Thief!
While both sides are spinning publicly, we know that there are two facts that both sides privately acknowledge as being true.
The first is that she broke up with him. Yes, we know he said that he is the one who called off the wedding, but that’s not true. She ended it.
The second is why she ended it. He cheated on her. Our Actress found a series of text messages on The Fiancee’s phone from a woman with whom he had hooked up on multiple occasions. It wasn’t the first time she caught him cheating, but it was with whom he was cheating that was the final straw.
Of course there was a huge fight. She yelled at him for being a liar and a cheat. He yelled right back that he did it because he was tired of her flirting with other guys. He also told Our Actress that she could have a hundred plastic surgeries but she was never going to be as hot as his famous colleague’s celebrity Significant Other (who is The Fiancee’s idea of physical perfection). Ouch.
You know the rest. Couples therapy, breakup, accusations, spin.
This is obviously about Naya and Big Sean. Most of the blind item aficionados at Blind Gossip think the side piece costar is Lea Michele, but I’m not sure. If Lea was taking a ride on Big Sean’s fat moray eel dick, I think we’d all know it. Because we’d see pictures of Lea dragging the organs that fell out of her vag from Big Sean fucking her. So I’m guessing the home wrecking side piece slut is either Unique, Demi Lovato or Lord Tubbington. It was obviously Lord Tubbington.
Look at that slut with his legs wide. He’s practically bragging about it.
In case you needed another reminder that you clearly fucked up in a past life and now are being punished, here’s some news that will make you shake your fist at the ceiling for a solid 5 minutes before spilling a lukewarm AriZona green tea all over your crotch and screaming “FUUUUCK YOUUUU” to the universe. According to the NY Daily News, The Queen of Coachella Nü-Hippies, Vanessa Hudgens, is getting a fat greasy $15,000 cheque from McDonalds to attend the obnoxious annual denim cutoff convention in Indio, CA this weekend. Dear McDonalds: You’re dumb because you just paid Vanessa to do a job she would have done for free. Coachella is like her religion. Every night she gives double peace signs to the framed picture of Minnetonka booties hanging above her bed before praying on a floral headband rosary, beginning every prayer with “Our high-waisted jorts in Heaven, hallowed be thy fringe…”
And it’s not just Vanessa who’s cashing in on Coachella. Musical theatre bunion Lea Michele is being paid $20,000 from Lacoste and all she has to do is show up wearing a shirt with a gator on it. So when you see pictures of Lea Michele dressed as a tennis-paying yuppie sticking out like a sore thumb amidst a sea of fringed patchouli-scented coochie-cutters, you’ll know why.
But some celebrities aren’t as lucky as Vanessa and Lea (let’s come back to that sentence in 10 years and we can all have a good laugh). Breaking Bad’s Aaron Paul is still waiting to hear back regarding his request for $15,000 and two VIP passes, Joe Jonas is looking for around $20,000 to appear (paid in cash or coke, he’s not picky), and Kate Bosworth – yes the Kate Bosworth who’s notoriety is limited to having two fucked-up eyes – is asking for $30,000.
It all sort of makes sense that they need to lure people to Coachella with clickety-clack sounds, because why the fuck would you go otherwise? Coachella is a hot sweaty mess in the middle of the desert that combines the stink of Burning Man with the experience of lining up for a change room at Urban Outfitters. I know, I lost me at ‘hot’ too!
At the party for Glee’s 100th episode in West Hollywood last night, TVLine asked JLo Kardashian (born name: Naya Rivera) about the rumors that she’s getting dropped from the show. The rumor started when Lea Michele said that the rest of season 5 mostly focuses on the hos in New York and she named off everyone but Naya. Naya said that it was a “Freudian slip or maybe not” on Lea Michele’s part (shaaaaade) and then she went on to say:
“People just take things, little things, and blow them up.”
That answer can also be the answer to my question, which is, “Girl, did you get bigger Tupperware cake covers installed in your chest?”
Naya posted a picture on Instagram yesterday of her at the beach with her fiancé Big Sean (looking like Freddy Krueger as a referee), and either her tits got swole from a severe allergic reaction to her dude’s fugged-up ensemble or she got her tits Stoddenized. It’s obviously the latter and all Naya needs to do is fill her ass cheeks with 10 cans of Fix-A-Flat and she’ll be warmly welcomed into the Glad family of products and can also get work as Kim Kardashian’s Instagram body double. Speaking of messy Instagram pages, if you haven’t visited Naya’s recently, you should. Her Instagram looks like the portfolio of an artist who uses candle pillars to make figurines of Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian, JLo and Sophia Lamar.
Here’s pictures of JLo Kardashian, Lea Michele, Jane Lynch, Trouty Mouth and the other Glee tricks at the 100th episode party last night.
Lea Michele won Best Actress in a Comedy at the Teen Choice Awards yesterday and while accepting her surfboard trophy, she thanked Glee’s fans for hugging her heart and she said a few nice words about her boyfriend and co-star Cory Monteith, who died of an alcohol and heroin overdose about four weeks ago. While Kevin McHale honored Mickey Mouse and Justin Bieber by wearing black shorts with black tights (that look is not okay), Lea honored Cory by saying:
“Thank you, guys. Thank you. I just wanted to be here today to personally thank all of you and tell everyone out there how much all of your love and support has meant to me over these very past difficult few weeks. Thank you. Not that I had any doubt before, but you guys are most certainly the greatest fans in the world. And I wanted to dedicate this award to Cory. For all of you out there who loved and admired Cory as much as I did, I promise that with your love we’re gonna get through this together. He was very special to me, and also to the world. And we were very lucky to witness his incredible talent, his handsome smile and his beautiful, beautiful heart. So whether you knew him personally or just as Finn Hudson, Cory reached out, and he became a part of all of our hearts and that’s where he’ll stay forever. So thank you guys so much. Thank you.”
And here’s the video of Lea’s speech:
I always get the Teen Choice Awards confused with the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. I guess teens and kids are totally different and they each get their own choices. So while I was watching this, I kept thinking to myself, “Oh God, they’re totally going to slime her at the end.”
Out of all the cast members from Glee, I’d figure that Lea Michele would be the one to announce that she’s checking herself into rehab on a Sunday night since she’s always high on herself. But no, Lea’s real-life and TV boyfriend Cory Monteith checked into rehab and last night he released a statement through his rep to People saying that he needs to press pause on everything else and deal with a substance addiction right now.
“Cory Monteith has voluntarily admitted himself into a treatment facility for substance addiction. He graciously asks for your respect and privacy as he takes the necessary steps towards recovery.”
30-year-old Cory (I know, I didn’t know he was 30 either. He’s the Gabrielle Carteris of Glee) first went to rehab when he was 19 after his family staged an intervention. Cory said before that he was addicted to booze and pretty much snorted and smoked everything else. When Cory got out of rehab the first time, he went straight back to the bottle and kept drinking until he got caught stealing a bunch of money from a relative. That was the bottom under Cory’s rock bottom and after that, he cleaned up, got a job as a roofer, took acting classes and now he’s on Glee.
A quick minute after Cory released his statement, Lea released her own, “I love and support Cory and will stand by him through this. I am grateful and proud he made this decision.”
And I don’t know if Cory’s going to feel weird or relieved when he’s in rehab and realizes that not everybody around him is suddenly breaking into song and changing costumes. It’s probably going to make him feel weird. This is why we need all-singing rehab.