Category: Laurence Fishburne

Glamour Was Alive And Well At The NAACP Image Awards

January 16, 2018 / Posted by:

I think Auntie Maxine likes it! This was one red carpet that wasn’t a hot mess. Tracee Ellis Ross usually has “Best Dressed” on lock at just about any awards show she attends. However, come time for the NAACP Image Awards, she’s got some stiff competition. The attendees of this year’s awards did not come to play and Tracee’s outfit faded into the background. That’s because the red carpet was on fire!

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They’re Only Making Super-Hero Movies Now, Part 2: Marvel At Comic-Con

July 23, 2017 / Posted by:

A fresh glimpse of a shirtless Chris Hemsworth is probably the best part of this story. Marvel took a huge infodump (how nicely put) at San Diego Comic-Con this weekend. They debuted the new trailer for Thor: Ragnarok (aka Chris Hemsworth Has A Better Haircut And Remains A Thirst Trap), showed the first image of Brie Larson as Captain Marvel, and announced who would be playing the part of the FIRST Wasp in Ant-Man and the Wasp. It’s kind of a big name. I hope she sings “Cool Rider” in the movie to distract me, because I can only take so much of Paul Rudd’sI’ll always be funnier than you” smirk. (And if you figured out who the actress in question is because of that song title, we are friends til’ the end.) Continue reading

What Happens When You Mistake Samuel L. Jackson For Laurence Fishburne

February 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Oh, L.A. locals news, where the lady anchors are always done up like they’re on their way to Happy Hour at Charley Brown’s Steakhouse (LOCAL REFERENCE ALERT!) and where the “entertainment reporters” think all black dude movie stars look alike.

Sam Rubin has been on KTLA in L.A. since the pile of weed-infused oatmeal in my head can remember and maybe it’s because I only get my entertainment news from George PEENnacchio (LOCAL REFERENCE ALERT, part II!), but I don’t remember him being this embarrassing. But this morning, Sam gave every viewer a severe case of second-hand embarrassment when he mistook the national treasure in a Kangol hat that is Samuel L. Jackson for Montana Fishburne’s daddy. Samuel L. Jackson was on KTLA via satellite to whore out Robocop and during the interview Sam Rubin asked him about his Super Bowl commercial. Samuel L. Jackson didn’t do a Super Bowl commercial, but Laurence Fishburne did one for Kia. The switch in Samuel L. Jackson’s brain flipped to NOT THE ONE and he verbally slapped Sam Rubin down. When Sam Rubin tried to get back up and dust himself off, Samuel L. Jackson kept verbally slapping that bitch down. Call him Laurence Fishburne one more time, Sam!

As Sam’s co-anchors laughed at his ass, Samuel grabbed his hair and dragged that ho:

“You’re as crazy as the people on Twitter. I am not Laurence Fishburne! We don’t all look alike! We may all be black and famous, but we don’t all look alike. You’re the entertainment reporter for this station and you don’t know the difference between me and Laurence Fishburne? There must be a very short line for your job. Oh, HELL NO. Really? Really? I’m the other guy. The other one. What’s in your wallet?”

Samuel L. Jackson didn’t even have to reach through the screen and slap Sam Rubin because Sam Rubin slapped Sam Rubin for him.

After Sam finished dipping his body in a tub full of First Degree burn cream, he went back on air and apologized to Samuel L. Jackson and also spit out a corroded dingle from a bull’s butt when he said that he wasn’t referring to Laurence Fishburne’s commercial for Kia, he was referring to the trailer for Captain America 2 that played during the Super Bowl.

Oh, it’s okay, my mom always confuses Sam Rubin for Piers Morgan and I don’t know which one of them should be more offended.

“NOT THE CANNED CHEESE!!!!”

July 14, 2011 / Posted by:

The Inception 2: The Dark Knight Rises trailer leaked this week, but the one trailer that has got me pressing the replay button like it’s a G-spot is the one for Steven Soderbergh’s unintentional (or totally intentional) remake of Outbreak called Contagion. Shit is about what would happen if a bird flu (probably from THIS bird) murdered most of the planet’s population and blah..blah…blah. But way more importantly, we get to sit back and watch GOOP floppity flop flop to her death! To help Fishsticks get to that place, Steven Soderbergh told her to imagine Apple trying to cook a Stouffer’s pizza in the wood-burning outdoor pizza oven in her garden. Aaaaand action!

Birds: 1 Fishies: 0

Morpheus Is Not Pleased

August 3, 2010 / Posted by:

Laurence Fishburne isn’t exactly skipping through the set of CSI while proudly holding a copy of his 19-year-old daughter’s debut porn movie. Don’t expect to see a “My Kid Fucks Better Than Your Honor Student” bumper sticker on Laurence’s car anytime soon. In fact, Laurence found out about his daughter selling snatch on camera the same day we all did.

Montana Fishburne, who is going by the porn name Chippy D, tells TMZ, “[My dad] is very upset. I heard that he’s mad at me but I haven’t spoken to him yet. I feel pretty confident that I can work things out with him. I think he wants to support me in everything I do, and though he sees this now as a negative, I believe in time he will view it as a positive.

Morpheus has every right to be madder than fish grease at this bitch. Shit, I’m mad at her for listing Kim Kardassian as one of her role models. The broken toilet my mom uses as a flower planter in her backyard would make a better choice for a role model.

But importantly, I’m mad at her for going by the name Chippy D when she was given the perfect porn name ever. Sound it out. FISH-BURN. This bitch! Chippy D sounds like the nickname of a chunky chipmunk from the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie who has big dreams of becoming a hip hop star but his lisp keeps getting in the way. Just no.

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