Oh, Nicole, Nicole, please save your Taylor Swift role-play costumes for your bedroom times with Keith Urban. Our eyes don’t need it!
“Hmmm, I don’t remember seeing a badly made Taylor Swift wax figure on the guest list,” said the organizers of the opening gala of the Palm Springs International Festival last night when Nicole Kidman walked the red carpet in one of Elle Fanning’s old dresses that her kids doodled on. That dress was made by Dior, but it looks more like something from David Bridal’s collection of wedding clothes inspired by Angelina Jolie’s doodled-on wedding dress. That whole look is giving me a Big situation. Because of that end-of-the-night prom hair and that dress from Justice, it looks like a little girl took over her body and made all of the design decisions for her. It’s a little Whatever Happened To Baby Jane goes to spring formal.
Thankfully, glamorous savior Suzanne Somers once again cleansed the red carpet of messy dreadfulness with her Ann Jillian razor cut, Wayland Flowers-approved rouge and L’eggs covered legs.
If it went with her ensemble, I’d say that Suzanne Somers should get a Medal of Honor for saving events with her sparkly glamour!
And here’s more pics from the Palm Springs International Film Festival including Natalie Portman wearing Darth Vader maternity chic and Pharrell Williams looking like the manager at a matador-themed gay club that only plays songs from the 80s.
Glamour’s annual Women of the Year award happened last night in Hollywood and the dress code must’ve been: MESS! Because most of them were.
Gwen Stefani (in the gallery) looked like an off-brand quinceañera Barbie and Zendaya (also in the gallery) wore some floral glove things that made it look like she just double fisted a flower fairy. And then there was Amber Heard whose dress looks like it was made out of the dusty curtains, crib skirt and pillow trim from an old-timey rich baby girl’s nursery. That dress is what Miss Havisham would wear if she was finally evicted from Satis House and had to make coins by selling ass at a brothel.
Amber hasn’t worked many red carpets ever since she settled her divorce from the angry scarf rack, so maybe she purposefully wore something busted. That way reporters wouldn’t ask her about Johnny Depp, because they’d be too busy wondering who and what the hell she’s wearing. Well played!
And here’s a zillion more pictures from last night including Lena Dunham who worked baby bangs and a constipated face.
Before Brad Pitt became one half of the holiest couples since Jan Crouch and Krylon clear acrylic spray (only beauty amateurs use hairspray), he was good friends with Melissa Etheridge and as every Brangelina/Aniston historian knows, she sang at his wedding to Jennifer Aniston. When Brad got with Angelina Jolie, the power of Brangelina broke up a lot of his friendships including the one he had with Melissa. Melissa and Brad haven’t seen each other in 10 years, but that has never kept her from spitting out her thoughts about Devilina Holie! And yesterday, Melissa gave her thoughts on the fall of Brangelina during a talk with Andy Cohen on his SiriusXM show. The next time Melissa walks by a church’s stained glass window with a saint in it, she shouldn’t be surprised when that saint side-eyes and hisses at her, because she dragged St. Angie a bit.
What you are looking at above is Ashley Judd, Jim Belushi, Amanda Seyfried, David Duchovny, Naomi Watts, Matthew Lillard, Michael Cera, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and Trent Reznor. And if you can believe it, you’re only looking at less than 20% of the cast of the Twin Peaks reboot. I hope Showtime knows how to place a casual encounters ad on Craigslist, because something tells me they’re going to need to make a couple extra bucks to make sure all those paychecks don’t bounce.
The cast list for Showtime’s Twin Peaks reboot was announced today. We already knew that most of the original cast was open to coming back. But thanks to Showtime, we now know that pretty much everyone in David Lynch’s Rolodex is coming with them. Variety has a screen grab of the cast list, and I’ve put it after the cut.
According to People, random’s newest couple might be Ruth Stoops and the voice behind the first ringtone I bought for my Samsung Gravity (which my broke ass totally pretended was a T-Mobile Sidekick). People says Laura Dern and Common were photographed leaving a restaurant in Beverly Hills on Wednesday, and it wasn’t because they both happened to walk up to the valet stand at the same time. It was because they were on a date! I know, I really should have lead with a warning about how you might want to open a window to let out all the steam coming off this super-hot story.
Nothing else is known about Laura Dern and Common’s date, so it’s really too early to guess whether or not they’re humping. But I’m going to go ahead and guess anyway, because Laura Dern and Common are two fine peas in a sexy pod, and it would be a crime not to picture the two of them humping.
It’s also a mystery how these two met. Maybe Common was a huge Enlightened fan and this is all part of some weird fantasy to get nasty with that dizzy bitch Amy Jellicoe? That’s got to be it.
At the very least we know the date probably wasn’t a fucking disaster, otherwise they wouldn’t both be smiling. It would have been all kinds of awkward if Laura Dern was photographed reading her cellphone as they were leaving. Nothing says “Yeah, we’re done here” like whipping out your phone and scrolling through emails.
Pic: Pacific Coast News
A wise ho once told me “You can be classy, sassy, or assy” (truly wise words to live by), and since we’ve already covered sassy and assy, here’s Lupita Nyong’o working some classy. Lupita is the definition of class to begin with, but she could have shown up wearing a pearl-covered coochie shield and I still would have thrown her into the classy pile, because pearls are classy as hell. You could throw the trashiest, dirtiest skank in a pearl necklace (not THAT kind), and you’d be all “Excuse me, madame – may I offer you a glass of Champale and a cigarette that I didn’t roll myself just now in the bathroom?”
But really, what more is there to say about Lupita Nyong’o’s amazing pearl-encrusted Oscar dress than: PEARLS. So many pearls. Every pearl. Sorry, oysters, all your pearls are belong to us. And by us, I mean Lupita; she has all your pearls now. Your job here is done, oysters; all you have now is being delicious when shucked raw and topped with mignonette sauce. And to Lupita’s stylist (who I assume is Pearl Van Oyster from The Waterville Gang), good job on the diamond earrings; I think pearls would have been too on-the-nose.
Here’s more of Lupita looking like the Atlantis entry into the Miss Universe pageant, as well as just about every other fancy dressed type at the Oscars last night, including Julianne Moore, JLo looking like the textbook definition of JLo, and the ghost of my last duvet Marion Cotillard: