I’m sorry, but in that hat and those pants, Justin Timberlake is in no position to be busting out such hardcore “embarrassed to be standing next to you” body language on Lance Bass. But back to what’s really important: the fact that Lance Bass apparently wasn’t invited to Justin Timberlake’s Italian wedding (ft. Jessica Biel) back in 2012. Okay, I could see not mailing an invitation to Joey Fatone, because that dude strikes me as the type of wedding guest to get drunk on red wine and try to have a three-way with Grandma Timberlake and the ice sculpture swan on the buffet table. But Lance Bass? I said it up top and I’ll say it again. Rude!
Lance admitted that he never got to RSVP to Justin’s $6.5 million marriage spectacular/poor-taste short film screening on a recent episode of Kancelled with Khloe (via Entertainment Tonight). Khloe Kardashian began by asking Lance if Justin Timberlake showed up to his 2014 wedding. The non-blond members of *NSYNC showed up (Joey, JC Chasez, and Chris Kirkpatrick), but no JT, because JT was on tour. Then Khloe asked point-blank if he was invited to JT’s wedding, and Lance gave us this awkward moment:
The “we” that Lance is referring to in his “we were not” is the rest of *NSYNC. Shortly after Justin’s wedding, Chris Kirkpatrick admitted to Orlando’s XL 106.7 that he wasn’t invited, and heard that the rest of the boy band wasn’t either because Justin didn’t want their reunion to yank the spotlight away from his bride. “If anyone is going to steal the spotlight from my bride, it’s gonna be me.“
Justin wasn’t exactly wrong. I don’t know about the rest of *NSYNC, but Lance Bass would definitely steal every last ounce of attention from Jessica Biel. All it would take is for Lance Bass to accidentally flash that dazzling incandescent light bulb smile of his as she begins walking down the aisle, and everyone would be like “Ugh, Jessica, go around!”
Here’s more of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea last night. I don’t know why Jessica is dressed like a goth Col. Sanders at the club, but I’m into it.
The old story about how Andy Cohen once pounded Lance Bass’ ass while Lance sang out, “It’s tearin’ up my butt when I’m with youuuuu,” was brought up again on Watch What Happens Live earlier this week. Sonja Morgan, the resident drunken boy toy collector of The Real Housewives of New York City, asked the crown prince of Bravo who is the most famous dude he’s ever done sex stuff with. Andy said “Lance Bass.” If Lance Bass is the most famous dude that Power Top Andy has done, then I’m guessing the other famous types he’s done are an extra from Vanderpump Rules and Right Shark from Katy Perry’s Super Bowl Half-Time Show. No, that’s not right. Right Shark is more famous than Lance Bass at this point. BUT WAIT!
The now married Lance has once again denied that Andy has had a piece of Bass ass. On Lance’s SiriusXM show Dirty Pop (via UsWeekly) yesterday, he didn’t dribble out any details, but he did say that Andy has never topped him.
“First of all, I’m not going to tell you what I do in the bedroom. Sex is a broad term…like ‘Andy banged Lance’ — when did he ever say that? This is an old story. Three years ago we told everyone we hooked up…Now it’s getting into who did who? I can just tell you right now, there was no Andy D going in my B. I’m not going to tell you what went down…but it’s not what people are thinking.”
Lance went on to explain that they had a little moment on vacation together. That’s all.
“It just happened that Andy was with me on this vacation. It was so nice and romantic and it was just a nice time. It was one of those things where I needed someone to hold onto. I just played it off like it was a kiss. Why would I go into details?”
Okay, we get it, Lance. You’re really masc and you’re so masc that you won’t let a d enter your b lips. Got it. It would be TMI, but it would be my kind of TMI, if Lance said that they sucked each other off and whatnot. But what’s not my kind of TMI is Lance basically saying that they talked about their feelings while holding each other as they watched the sunset. Keep that schmaltzy, lovey-dovey shit to yourself, Lance!
This weekend truly did belong to the gay wedding and the weekend isn’t over yet so I could get married to my Anderson Cooper cutout in the drive-thru driveway of an In-N-Out. Stay tuned.
Before Lance Bass married his piece of 3 years Michael Turchin at the Park Plaza Hotel in L.A. last night, he Instagrammed that picture along with the caption:
Today I marry the man of my dreams. He makes me smile; he makes my heart melt; he makes me….me.
Judging by that picture, I think Lance meant to type: “Today Michael is lucky enough to marry the man of his and my dreams. I make him smile. I make me smile. I make his heart melt. I make my heart melt. #MichaelLovesLance #LanceLovesLance.” I mean, nothing says mutual love like a picture of Lance Bass loving himself in front of the camera while his man worships his chin and hangs onto him like some accessory. But seriously…
Elton John had David Beckham and Lulu at his wedding and that’s nice and everything, but Lance Bass’ wedding was a truly star-studded event! The Who’s Who of WHO? was there including JC Chasez, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick, Lisa Vanderpump (who dragged her tortured fur accessory with her), Pimp Mama Kris, Gabourey Sidibe, AJ McClean, melting wax puppet Robin Antin, Martyn Lawrence Bullard from Million Dollar Decorators, Christina Applegate, Jason Collins and Jamie-Lynn Sigler who co-officiated the ceremony with JoAnna Garcia Swisher.
Justin Timberlake couldn’t make it, because: a) He probably thinks he’s too good for that shit and; b) He had to work. He’s on tour.
People says that guests were told to dress like they were “going to a royal wedding at the MET Ball.” I don’t really know what that means, but after looking at the pictures of what the guests were wearing I’m guessing it means look as messy and tacky as possible. The wedding was designed by planner Sharon Sacks who did Kim Kartrashian and Kris Humphries’ wedding and also did Kim Kartrashian and Kanye’s wedding.
Lance and Michael’s wedding was shot for an E! special titled Lance Loves Michael: The Lance Bass Wedding. It will air in February. Oh God, Lance, what are you doing?! He gets married in front of E!’s cameras, used Kim Kartrashian’s wedding planner and invited Pimp Mama Kris?! That’s one way for Lance Bass to guarantee that his marriage doesn’t last more than 72 days.
When I was younger, I wanted so badly to go to the mall and get some glamour shots taken. Sadly, we didn’t have a Glamour Shots®-brand photo studio in the mall closest to where I lived, and I wasn’t willing to settle for the sub-par Classy Clicks at the Sears portrait studio (it wasn’t actually called Classy Clicks, but I can assume it was some kind of lame-sounding Glamour Shots rip-off). So I never got to experience the sheer joy and soft-focus sophistication that comes from putting on a feather boa and gently caressing the right side of your face with your left hand in front of a Glamour Shots camera. I know, you’ll cry for me later, I’m sure.
Of course, that’s the sort of thing you never really get over, and seeing Diana Ross at the American Music Awards last night looking like a glamorous feather boa-wrapped beauty didn’t help. Look at her! She’s EXACTLY what I imagined my Glamour Shots shot would look like: those carefree curls, her chin resting delicately on her exposed shoulder, the coy look in her eyes that says “I’m classy, but also a lil’ sassy.” All that’s missing is a dusty mauve backdrop and a 60W incandescent light bulb illuminating her from behind.
In case you’re wondering why she was at the AMAs and not at home getting a 24k gold facial like she SHOULD be, it’s because she was hired to present Taylor Swift with the Dick Clark Award for Excellence. And no, she didn’t bounce one of Tay Tay’s tittes – we’re not that lucky.
Here’s more of Miss Diana Ross sashaying down the red carpet of the American Music Awards in a coat made from Archimedes’ relatives, as well as everyone else at the AMAs, including gorgeous humanoid Dencia, a silk-wrapped JLo, and Jessie J, who looks like a very fancy makeup consultant:
And that, my friends, is the exact face one should make when they’re in the presence of one of Pimp Mama Kris’s Krotch Droppings. “I don’t care how much we paid for admission, we need to leave. Now. Seeing one of the babies means that the mother isn’t far behind.”
Friday marked the kick-off of the world’s largest hipster costume party, the Coachella Jorts and Selfies Festival in Indio, CA, and I guess all those $20,000 cheques cleared, because celebrities have started swarming Coachella like rats to an open dumpster behind KFC. Now, technically Coachella doesn’t officially begin until the arrival of the First Lady of Fauxhemia, Vanessa Hudgens. But since it usually takes her hours, even days, to get ready (it takes time to dry hump the 70s), she usually let’s them go ahead and start without her.
I know we’re less than 24-hours into this weekend-long Urban Outfitters commercial, but already Aaron Paul has won my heart by embracing the true spirit of Coachella. It’s not about $200 custom jorts or having the longest gauzy vest or the widest hat; it’s about dancing like nobody’s watching while rolling hard on shrooms:
Either Aaron Paul is higher than Jesse Pinkman after snorting a pound of blue crystal meth, or he’s working hard for that $15,000. Either way, I’ll be right back: I need to pray to a giant piece of New Age quartz that there’s a video somewhere of Aaron Paul dancing to Ellie Goulding all by himself in a little circle, because I need that in my life.
Here’s more hookers clickety-clacking along the Coachella stroll on Friday, including Selena Gomez (sans King Joffrey Bieber), Marla Hooch and The Model One (that sounds like an 80s cop show: Hooch & The Model) Joe Jonas and his girlfriend Basic Bitch Blanda, a rotten leftover from the refrigerator of 2005 and her sister Nicky Hilton, and Kellan Lutz, who if I had to guess, got paid $200 and a voucher to a taco stand:
If you’re anything like me, you started your morning out sitting somewhere in a daze, desperately reaching for the coffee maker from across the room like some kind of bunkassed Jedi while inviting Daylight Saving Time to blow you. Reading that Chris Kirkpatrick got married and watching some old N’SYNC videos on YouTube is doing a better job breathing life into me than coffee ever could. Between the TLC-wore-it-better satin pajamas, Justin’s moldy Top Ramen hair, JC dry humping a padded cell and Lance Bass as a chick magnet, this is better than caffeine.
Anyway, fifth runner up in a 1998 spring break Adam Duritz lookalike contest Chris married Karly Skladany on Saturday with all his band members in attendance. Loose-lipped Lance (also his Craigslist username) gave a few details about the wedding during his XM Satellite radio show Dirty Pop (via USWeekly) on October 29, including Chris having little interest in the “finer things”, resulting in the renting of Joey-Fatone-size-fits-all tuxedos.
“What’s really hilarious to me is that we went to get fitted for our tuxes at Men’s Warehouse — and he got us the cheapest tuxes there he could possibly get, which I think is so Chris and very lovely,” Bass revealed during his show. “I mean that’s just who he is.”
He joked: “I think its hilarious to know that Justin Timberlake is going to be in a Men’s Warehouse tux ushering the wedding.”
“Chris is a cheap ass motherfucker and should know I don’t get out of bed for less than Armani! The only good part about this crap is knowing Timberlake will be at the reception, busting out the Electric Slide in rented pants steeped in so much dried groomsman ball sweat, no amount of dry cleaning will ever get it out.”
Weddings these days seem so over the top and self-indulgent, knowing someone had a shitload of money to spend and didn’t is a nice change of pace. Looking at you, Kanye. All this wedding really needed to be successful was some floor-clearing “Bye Bye Bye” marionette choreography, Justin doing an impromptu “Dick In A Box” performance while grinding on Chris’s grandma, and the always classy Reichen Lehmkuhl crashing the open bar, declaring his love for Lance and being forcefully removed from the premises by Jessica Biel.
(Pic via Twitter)