Lance Armstrong Had A Lot Of Balls, I’ll Give Him That

Lance Armstrong has a well-documented history of winning almost every damn bicycle race he was ever in (you’d better be singing Queen right now) in a long career filled with doping and being an asshole and all-around dickbag. Retired Italian cyclist Roberto Gaggioli told Corriere della Sera (via the NY Post) that in 1993 when the bangs were big, the jeans were acid washed and the livin’ was easy, Lance bribed him and other riders to look the other way as he broke away in order to win the $1 million prize in the Thrift Drug Triple Crown (I shit you not on that name).

Roberto says he received $100,000 from Lance but the amount the other riders were paid is unclear, maybe because it wasn’t neatly enclosed in the most promising form of gift wrap on the planet- a pastry box!

“It was a young American colleague,” Roberto Gaggioli told the Corriere della Sera, according to a translation. ”He offered me a panettone [a traditional Italian Christmas cake] as a present and wished me a merry Christmas. In the box there were $100,000 in small bills. That colleague was Lance Armstrong.

“Lance said that my team, Coors Light, had agreed to it. I understood that it had all been decided.”

You know how I know my New Year’s resolution to eat less crap is going to fail spectacularly by dinnertime on January 1? My first reaction was to be irrationally pissed off on Roberto’s behalf that there was no cake in the box. This is the hungry bitch version of giving your girlfriend an empty ring box with the promise to fill it one day when you propose to her. You meant well, I can see what you tried to do there, but NO. The rules are as follows: Ring in the box. Cake in the box. Dick in the box. Got it, Lance??

I wish I could be surprised Lance would shit on the sanctity of baked goods by cheapening it with lots and lots of American dollars, but since he already shat all over the sanctities of marriage, sportsmanship and honesty, I’m pretty much dying of a heart attack from not surprise.

(Pic: Splash)

The Time Lance Armstrong Asked Comedian April Macie To Eat His Ass Out

I’m looking at the yellow rubber Munchstrong Livestrong bracelet a whole lot different now.

Comedian April Macie was on Howard Stern on Monday and she put the taste of burnt leather, chemicals, roasted corn and sweat in my mouth when she talked about the time she walked into a hotel room bathroom and caught her friend with a mouthful of Lance Armstrong’s b-hole. April says that earlier in the night, she and her butt-munching girlfriend were partying with Lance at a party. Lance invited them back to his hotel room with a bunch of his friends and then this happened:

“I went to use the bathroom, and I went in and Lance was bent over a bathtub and she was just face deep in his asshole…I was terrified. And then he came out and said: ‘Does your friend want in on a round too?’ and I was like: ‘Of taint tickling? I’m gonna take a pass’..I think it’s hilarious that he would ask without even knowing my first name—to eat his asshole. Like: ‘Do you want in on a round too? Of asshole eating?…I got pretty for the evening. I didn’t know he was going to ask me to eat his asshole later on.”

Most of the time when I go to a party, I regret going to that party, because going to parties are overrated. But I’d always go to parties if it meant that it would eventually lead to me walking in on some chick going to Rim Town on Lance Armstrong’s roided-up ass. That is a perfect postcard moment right there. I’m surprised that Lance’s bike seat isn’t shaped like a giant tongue.

April’s friend is a brave bitch, though. She’s a brave bitch, because it takes a hardcore ho to stick her tongue in some random end-of-the-night man culo. She’s also brave, because April says this happened about 5 or 6 years ago, so Lance’s wrinkled Cheerio was probably roided all the way up then. Lance had The Hulk of anuses. April’s friend could’ve lost her tongue. That’s like putting your tongue in a cigar cutter. One minute you’re tossing Lance’s salad and the next minute you’re picking pieces of your tongue out of his no-no.

And now we know what’s really going on in this picture:

If that’s not a “So, can I sit on your face?” look, I don’t know what is.

via Examiner and Deadspin

Some People Think Sheryl Crow Should’ve Told On Lance Armstrong’s Doping Ass

Sheryl Crow started dating Lance Armstrong in 2003, so some think she obviously knew he was filling his veins up with EPO. It’s kind of hard to ignore that fact, because every time they had missionary sex, Lance’s Hulk-like dick lifted Sheryl’s body two feet above the bed. But if Sheryl knew, she didn’t say anything then and she’s not saying anything now. Sheryl talked to Entertainment Tonight about the whole doping scandal and she kept her answers vague, only saying that she feels “bad” that Lance has to give up the titles he worked so hard to get (insert michelleobamaeyeroll.gif here). One of the people who blew the whistle on the doped-up douchebag in Spandex shorts isn’t letting Sheryl Crow get away and is yanking at that bitch’s hair for keeping her lips shut the entire time.

Betsy Andreu, the wife of one of Lance’s fellow dopers, tells The Daily Mail that she thinks it’s sick and weak of Sheryl Crow to not say anything when she could’ve saved a lot of his accusers from being attacked by him. Betsy let out this anti-Stand By Your Man anthem to the Mail:

“Are you kidding me? She was his fiancé. She surely knew what was going on. She could have helped other people. I am appalled and ashamed at how weak women were in this whole saga. It is an embarrassment. Sheryl was by his side when he was trying to destroy people and she said nothing. That’s unconscionable. I mean it just astounds me. You should know people are telling the truth and you’re silent. It’s sick. My God she was engaged to the guy. She, like so many other women, did not speak up. If they went through what we went through, would they want somebody to speak up? She could have done something. Somebody should ask Sheryl ‘did you see the blood tranfusions? Were drugs ever stored in your home? Did you see any of that in your house?'”

GOOD GOD GIRL GET A GRIP. At least Lance never called you fat! Lance called you crazy, called you a bitch, but he never called you fat! What more do you want? Do you want him to say you look good in those jeans? Okay,  Lance thinks you look good in those jeans. There!

And in that picture above, I know that thing on Sheryl’s dress is a snake (how appropriate), but the part on the left looks more like a gilded circumcised peen to me. I would.

The Texas T-Rex Was Mad At His Best Bitch Lance Armstrong For Doping Up

Matthew McConaughey has gone topless jogging with Lance Armsstrongduetodoping and not once did the Texas T-Rex get suspicious when the wooden floor boards broke into pieces from the sheer force of Lance’s Hulk-like stomp. So when Lance came clean about playing dirty, Matthew McConaughey was sad and mad at the bitch for never telling him the truth. The Texas T-Rex, who is gaining some chunk and no longer looks like a zombie porn Giraffe circa 1975, is promoting his new movie Mud at Sundance right now and MTV News (via Yahoo) asked him what he thinks about Lance’s cheating ways. Matthew said that it gave him the sads, which should give all of us the sads, because nothing is sadder than a sad T-Rex. 🙁 Matthew said this:

“My first reaction was I was pissed off. I was mad. I then got kind of sad for him. First off, I had a part of me that took it kind of personally, which I think a lot of people have.”

Matthew then said that he doesn’t take it personally:

“What I mean by this is, what was he supposed to do? Call me to the side and go, ‘Hey man, I did it but don’t tell anybody.’ Then I would have really had a reason to be pissed off at him, going, ‘You want me to walk around holding this?’Where I am now is I’ve put myself out of the way and I am happy for this guy, who has now chosen to reenter this new chapter of his life a truly free man. And the weight he had on his shoulders, without the boogieman under the bed, the skeleton in the closet that he’s carried for 14 years. Fourteen years he lied and carried the lie with him. Oprah said the other night, ‘The truth will set you free,’ but she forgot one part. It’s miserable in the beginning. And it’s going to be miserable, but he’s looking it in the eye, and he’ll handle it. He’ll deal. And he’s ready for how hard it’s going to be to deal.”

T-Rex, please. I know Matthew’s usually got his head stuck in his bong, but his ass had to have known that Lance injected potent Go Go Juice directly into his veins. Didn’t Matthew know that something in the milk was DOPE when Lance jacked his dick right off of his body during their weekly circle jerk sessions? The Texas T-Rex is just sad, because during all his years of doping, Lance never once pulled down his panties and asked Matthew to stick it in his butt. By “it,” I mean the doping needle. I think.

Here’s more of Matthew looking like an old, parched earth worm at Sundance over the weekend.

But More Importantly, What In The Hell Kind Of GD Set Decoration Is This?

As Gayle King gave Oprah a victory massage in her spot of choice (it’s way too late in the week for me to describe in detail what Oprah’s spot of choice is, so you decide), millions of people watched Lance Armstrong admit to being a doper and an award-winning champion liar. But as Lance barfed out the truth, I kept focusing on the shit job the set decorator did. Yes, I care about the important things. Oprah really screwed up this time, because there goes that Emmy nomination for Best Set Decoration in a Shit Show.

While watching, I kept waiting for two old ladies wearing windbreakers to walk on by, pick up a vase, look under it for the price and then scream at Oprah, “$5?! You crazy! I’ll take it off your hands for two quarters and nothing more.” Shit looked like an estate sale. What was with that shallow bowl thing? When are people going to learn that you can’t just put an empty bowl on a table and call it design. Oprah could’ve thrown some tangerines in there or if she really wanted to be a bitch, she should’ve filled it with Truck Nutz. Maybe The Mighty O had that bowl on hand, because she was going to use it to collect Lance’s nut if he refused to come clean. And that mysterious box on the table? Gayle King should’ve come out in a rhinestone gown ala Price is Right and opened it to reveal Lance’s favorite shootin’ up needle. But she didn’t. That box and that bowl were about as useless as those bendy straws. I swear, Oprah should’ve hired Sandra Lee to do the background tablescape. Anyway, enough about that. Now let’s move on to less important matters.

Lance finally admitted that starting in the 90s, he took performance-enhancing drugs including blood doping, EPO, testosterone and HGH. Lance admitted that he took them before all of seven of his Tour de France victories, but that he stopped doping in 2005. Lance also admitted to being a first-rate shit bag to anybody who outed him as a doping cheat. Lance was never afraid he’d get caught and he never thought he was going to get caught. Lance doped up, because a lot of the other cyclists were doping up and he wanted to level the playing field. Lance called himself an “arrogant prick” and said that he just got caught up in the lie and so he kept on lie-telling:

“I view this situation as one big lie that I repeated a lot of times. I know the truth. The truth isn’t what was out there. The truth isn’t what I said. I’m a flawed character, as I well know. All the fault and all the blame here falls on me.”

The weirdest part of the interview was when Lance told Oprah that he had called Betsy Andreu, an accuser who refused to lie for him, and said this to her:

“I called you crazy. I called you a bitch. But I never called you fat.”

Betsy responded by saying, “Phew! I’m so glad you don’t think I’m fat, Lance. I’d rather be a crazy skinny bitch than a sane fat nicey person.” It’s nice to know that the potent drug known as CRAZY is still flowing through Lance’s veins.

And I’d like to take this time to confess to all of you that for years I’ve been using performance-enhancing drugs for bloggers like boxed wine, pocket pies and weed. Wait, or maybe those are performance-degrading drugs. I could’ve read the labels wrong.

via HuffPo

Lance Armstrong Admits To Oprah That He Doped Up, Because NOBODY Lies To Oprah!

When Lance Armstrong stared deep into Oprah’s holy light eyes, he saw the image of her half-brother Jesus telling him to finally cleanse his soul by telling the truth about doping up. Or maybe Lance Armstrong stared deep into Oprah’s holy light eyes and saw the reflection of her producer waving the millions of dollars he got paid for telling the truth to The Mighty O! People mix Jesus up with a stack of cash all the time. Whatever the case may be, after years of denying that he was shooting up performance enhancing drugs even though everybody could practically see the needle sticking out of his ass, Lance Armstrong confessed to Oprah that he lied about being a dopehead.

Oprah was on CBS This Morning (aka her main boo’s morning show) to say that in her two-part interview with Lance, which starts airing on OWN this Thursday, he comes clean about being dirty. The interview went down at the Four Seasons in Austin, TX, and Oprah said that it took almost 2 and a half hours to ask Lance 112 prepared questions. Oprah wouldn’t tell Gayle King on air (but I’m sure she whispered it in Gayle King’s ear during their nightly spooning sessions) what Lance said to her, but she said that he “did not come clean in the manner that I expected” and that she was satisfied with his answers. Well, since Oprah is “satisfied” with his answers that means Lance has been upgraded to Heaven’s “waiting list” and won’t go directly to Hell.

Oprah said that Lance did get emotional, but never completely broke down and sobbed into her chichis while asking her to pet his hair. Oprah said that she went at Lance so hard that at one point he asked her if she was ever going to lighten up with the questions. Right before Lance’s interview with Oprah, he held a meeting at Livestrong and brought the raw emotion while apologizing to his staff for letting them down. Lance kept his apology vague and never admitted to them that he doped up. Bitch was saving that for Oprah.

Lance already gave up all his Tour de France medals and People says that he’s in talks with his former team, the U.S. Postal Service, to give back some of the millions in taxpayer money he got over the years. And now that he’s finally admitted the truth, former sponsors could sue his last nutsack off. Some think that Lance is telling the truth after years of lie-telling, because he’s been backed into a corner and wants the public to feel sorry for his ass.

What I’ve learned from all of this, is that if I fill my veins up with performance-enhancing drugs, there’s a chance that I will win a bunch of fancy cycling titles, make hundreds of millions of dollars and I’ll only have to give back SOME of the money when they catch me lying. And I’ll get to meet Gayle King! Shoot my ass up and pull my old Huffy out of my mom’s garage. Let’s do this!