There weren’t a lot of thruples on the red carpet at the Met Gala last night. But that’s ok, you only need one when that one thrupple is as extra as Jared Leto, Lana Del Rey and Alessandro Michele, the creative director at Gucci. I feel like there’s a long hair in my mouth, Yuck. I actually feel like I have hairs all over me now. Shit!
But of course this could only be Lady Gaga. While others might think, “You know, maybe this year I’ll walk up the red carpet in a piece that makes it looks like I’m trying to cover up all the hair I lost after leaving my at-home highlighting kit on for too long,” Lady Gaga goes out and does it. She tells her stylist to make her look like a 73-year-old balding hippie who refuses to face the music about their hair situation, and she wears it with pride! As for her outfit, well that’s another story all together.
Back in February, somnolent songstress Lana Del Rey posted a cryptic message on Twitter with some dates and the message “ingredients can b found online.” Internet detectives quickly cracked the code and deducted that Lana was referencing a mass binding spell meant to prevent Donald Trump from doing harm. Some of you hags out there must have mixed up your eye of newt with your pubes of a virgin unicorn, because that shit clearly didn’t work.
Detective LaToya doesn’t have shit on me! I came out of my mom wearing an afterbirth-splattered deerstalker cap and clutching a magnifying glass in my (still) pudgy little fist! Rihanna pulled out of a headlining gig with Lollapalooza Colombia because she doesn’t want to catch the no-joke Zika virus. Here’s two and then another two and I’m putting them together because she is obviously knocked up! Pregnant women who catch Zika can give birth to babies with serious birth defects. DO I NEED TO ADD ANOTHER TWO HERE?!?
It’s a sad day for the people of Colombia with Lollapalooza tickets. Rihanna’s pulling out caused them to cancel the entire festival. This is despite other scheduled performers like Lana Del Rey, Disclosure, and the Chainsmokers. Lana just aimed her beach house bazooka at Rihanna’s private jet for effing with her money. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL RIHANNA’S BABY, LANA?
Of course, this is all total supposition. Zika is terrifying – pregnant or not. And I should admit that I didn’t even think about Rihanna’s actions suggesting a baby until I fully read Michael K‘s assignment to write about this and got to “knocked up???” in the parentheses at the end. Before that I assumed Rihanna was just using it as an excuse not to have to fly her ass down to South America. Because Tape nightclub isn’t in South America and the girl has been practically living there lately.
Who am I kidding? I’m no detective. If this were the Scooby Gang, I’d be somewhere between Daphne and Scrappy. *frown*
Kendall Jenner usually has a dead look in her eyes that tells us that her soul was sucked out of her being, put in an envelope and sent to Lucifer in Hell as part of the pact her family has with him. But at last night’s British Fashion Awards in London, Kendull’s usually dead eyes lit up when she saw the Gymboree Mick Jagger, Harry Styles, at the top of the stairs. While looking like a hobo Beetlejuice, Harry got locked in an intense conversation with Cara DellaReese (Their “intense conversation” went like this: He asked her, “You got any of the bad shit?” To which she said, “I ain’t got the bloat for nothing, bitch!“) as Kendull threw him a parched look that said, “Please pay attention to me, please pay attention to me, please take a picture with me or my Satanic pimp of a mother will punish me for not meeting this month’s fame whore quota!” Harry treated Kendull the same way Kim Kartrashian treats North West when a camera isn’t around. He ignored her. Kendull is me at every party.
You probably can’t even see that picture, because it’s hard to see anything when your eyelashes are on fire. Blame the scorching flames shooting off of the dude in the background’s piping hot eyebrow situation:
That butch George Michael is obviously Cara DeliVeal’s personal brow tamer. But then again that “What have I done to deserve this kind of punishment?” look he’s making tells me that he could also be Kendull’s bodyguard.
Anyway, according to E!, Harry didn’t ignore Kendall the entire night. Even though the children on Twitter want Emma Watson and Harry Styles to be a thing, he flirted with Kendall, so says E!’s source (Hi, PMK!).
Meanwhile, the source adds that Styles caught up with his former flings, and “flirted with Kendall a bunch.” He also got up on the dance floor as well and “was the ladies man all night.”
Oh, PMK, I mean, “source,” stop being bi-phobic. Harry himself has said that he’s not only a ladies man. He’s a ladies man, a gentleman’s man, a whatever man.
And here’s more pictures of Harry Styles looking like a group of strung out guinea pigs got the meth sweats in a bad way before dying on top of his head. I also threw in pictures of others last night including RiRi, Emma Watson, Lana Del Rey, Courtney Love, Posh Beckham and Naomi Campbell. Yes, Lana, Courtney and Cara were at the same event in London last night. If you’re in London and bought coke sometime between late last night and today, you got ripped off. You bought crushed Rolaids. All of the coke in London was snorted up last night.
I’ve known that the 90s are making a comeback, but now I really know that the 90s are giving us an encore performance, because Eminem rapped out some foolery that’s got people mad. Seen above looking like a plastic Fred Astaire figure melting in the sun at the WSJ Innovator Awards last week, The Real Slim Shady’s name is smeared all over headlines today for freestyle rapping about how he wants to punch Lana Del Rey in the face twice like Ray Rice. In a freestyle video called SHADY CXVPHER, 42-year-old Eminem inducted Llama Del Taco into the Celebrities That Eminem Has Shit On In A Song Club by dribbling out this oh-so-edgy-you-need-special-gloves-to-touch-it lyric (via Billboard):
But I may fight for gay rights, especially if they dyke is more of a knockout than Janay Rice/Play nice? Bitch I’ll punch Lana Del Rey right in the face twice, like Ray Rice in broad daylight in the plain sight of the elevator surveillance/’Til her head is banging on the railing, then celebrate with the Ravens
If you need to see and hear the whole video, here it is below and it includes a bit about Mah Boo Anderson Cooper having butt sex with a tuba.
But back to LDR, some say that The Slim Shady can have a seat in the back, because he’s downplaying domestic violence. Others say that he’s really making fun of Ray Rice and it’s just a joke. And others say that since it’s a freestyle, he’s just trying to be controversial like always and threw together a bunch of words that rhyme. If Eminem really didn’t want to get that much attention and didn’t want to say that he wants to punch out Lana Del Rey, here’s some other options that rhyme with “day“:
– a big pile of hay
– a bitchy manta ray
– lemon puree
– Marv Albert’s toupee
– Michael K
Lana Del Rey hasn’t said anything about this, but two years ago she fangirl’d over Eminem during an interview and in her song Ultraviolence she sings the lyric “he hit me and it felt like a kiss,” which is the title from a Phil Spector-produced song by The Crystals. LDR probably won’t care, but if she does, then at least she knows that Azealia Banks will mouth punch The Real Slim Shady for her.
Thanks Azealia. Thanks for punching me in the face with the image of Eminem slobbering out a drool stream of Hot Pockets tomato sauce on his sister’s titty.