It’s never a good sign when someone says something about their ex and my first instinct is to calmly walk to the pantry and open up a box of Molly…You In Danger, Girl (that should be a Girl Scout cookie) and email the contact information of a local locksmith to said ex with the subject line: “I dunno, probably not a big deal, but maybe time to change the locks, yes?”. But thanks to Us Weekly’s recent interview with Lamar Odom, the matter of my concern is the safety and well-being of a Kardashian. I know, never would I have thought. Up is down. Black is white. Big-assed trolls are intelligent and useful.
In an exclusive interview with Us Weekly after a Feb. 21 press conference for his new team, Baskonia (a.k.a. Laboral Kutxa), the basketball player said [Khloe] Kardashian would “always” be his wife, even if they divorce — which he’s hoping doesn’t happen.
“I love my wife. She’ll always be my wife, no matter what,” Odom, who filed for divorce in December after four years of marriage. “Who knows? We don’t know exactly if [the divorce is going through]. Only time will tell. I hope not. But even if we were divorced, she would always be my wife.”
I think maybe he thought he was being romantic, but “Always be my wife” is the sort of thing a murderer says in a movie while holding a knife above his sleeping victim. Can Us Weekly tell us more about the room in which this interview was conducted? Was the word FOREVER written on the wall in self tanner above a picture of Khloe? Like, I’m not saying she needs to pack up and move into witness protection (HA! Like a Kardashian would ever), but I am saying that it sounds like Lamar is one crackpipe smoked to a sad love song away from surprising his ex-wife with Rob in a pot of boiling water on the stove. He won’t be dead, of course – it’s scientifically impossible for boiling water to heat through that many layers of useless- but still, nobody wants to come home and find The Sock One hanging out in their kitchen.
Since the Kardashians have pretty much boned their way through the NBA and NFL, they’re zeroing their pussies in on the MLB now. Khloe Kartrashian filed for divorce from Lamar Odom today, but Radar says that she’s been getting over him for weeks by getting on Matt Kemp (seen above in a picture that looks like an ad for Dulcolax) of the Dodgers. Matt Kemp was RiRi’s on-and-off piece for a minute and now he’s supposedly screaming for animal control every time Khloe bites his neck a little too rough during fuck times.
Radar says that Matt Kemp has been a Kardashian family friend for a while and recently he and Khlozilla have been spending a lot of time together. Matt was at Pimp Mama Kris’ Satanic den of whores last night and for the past few weeks he and Khloe have been seen at several concerts together.
This is probably all made up and another one of Pimp Mama Kris’ schemes to make Lamar think that Khloe is sucking the life out of a new one. But if it is true, then Matt Kemp’s entire family needs to get their crucifixes, pitchfork and torches and go to Pimp Mama Kris’ lair to save him! Because if they don’t, it won’t be long before he deals with the pain of being in the Kartrashian family by eating his emotions with a large tub of horsey sauce (see: Rob) or by blowing crack smoke into a hooker’s snatch (see: Lamar) or by fucking up his entire face (see: Bruce). Scott Disick’s fine because he had no soul to begin.
And a “source” tells E! News that Lamar feels sad inside about Khlozille divorcing his ass:
“He’s deeply saddened by Khloé filing for divorce. He knew it was coming and it was only a matter of time. He felt like he gave his all to try and save the marriage, but ultimately he wasn’t able to. There will always be a place in his heart for Khloé. He will always love her and her family. She has decided and there is nothing more he can do. He has to accept that.”
It’s funny how the “source” got all of that out of Lamar’s real statement which was probably, “YES! YES! YES! I’M FINALLY FREE OF PIMP MAMA KRIS!“
TMZ is reporting that Khloe Kardashian will file for divorce from Lamar Odom today after a hot ass mess of a marriage that lasted about 4 years longer than anybody would have guessed. With no kids and a Kanye-disapproved iron-clad prenup, Khloe shouldn’t have any problem dissolving her (un)holy union with Lamar, leaving him free to fuck bitches, get money and Vine his freestyle raps under the name DJ Crackie Trax.
I admit to not knowing much about the backup Kardashians, so I looked up Khloe’s Wiki page to see what kind of skills she can fall back on once she heals her broken heart with whatever blown in insulation Kim is using to keep her face from cracking and falling off in pieces. The choices are: being an American socialite, television personality, businesswoman, fashion designer, author, actress and presenter. I totally read “presenter” as “pretender” and I think that’s my vote since it comes off as a nice way to say “fake ass bitch” and given her gene pool, she’ll need minimal training.
It’s sad these two crazy kids couldn’t make it work. This had all the makings of a tragic love story for the ages. Crackhead meets Yeti. Yeti meets crackhead. They fall in love
with the attention being together brings. Crackhead marries Yeti after a month. Yeti-in-law calls the paps, tabloid story, tabloid story, marriage counseling, tabloid story. Crackhead spirals out of control. Yeti decides to jump ship from the USS Stunt Queen and quit a bitch. Fin. At least Khloe won’t have to look at that face any more!
UPDATE from Michael: Khlozilla officially stuffed divorce papers in Lam Lam’s crack pipe and told him to smoke that shit. People says that as expected, Khloe filed papers today in L.A. and blamed “irreconcilable differences” as the reason why their marriage ate shit. Khloe doesn’t want any spousal support from Lam Lam and doesn’t think he should get any from her. And now that that’s done, let the public dragging of Lam Lam by Pimp Mama Kris really begin.
In a video that looks like it was shot on a cracked crack pipe in a steam room, a shirtless Lamar Odom and his shirtless friend rap out some crap while being drunk or high out of their minds. TMZ somehow got a hold of the video (read: Pimp Mama Kris dropped it in Harvey Levin’s slot) that was supposedly taken this month.
Lam Lam slur raps about being on the DL (Note: Either crack burned away the definition of “DL” from his brain or he admitted to liking hard peen) when Khloe Kardashian’s away and making money from their bottle of stank “Unbreakable.” This is a mess, but it still sounds better than Bound 2. I also wouldn’t be surprised if a drunk and topless Bruce Jenner was in the corner of the room bouncing his head.
And this should really be shown to high school students during drug awareness assemblies. They should be taught to stay away from the bad shit known as the Kardashians. This is your brain on Kardashian.
Seen above using her dark-sided, mind-reading powers to suck Lamar Odom’s Twitter password from the memory bin in his brain, Pimp Mama Kris and her kreatures are probably the ones who wrote the tweet where he slapped at his father and praised the Kardashian Klan. A couple of days ago, Lamar’s father Smack Daddy Joe Odom injected a large load of YES into the largest vein on my soul when he called Pimp Mama Kris an “evil bitch” who never cared about his son and is spreading lies. The next day, Lamar suspiciously came out of hiding and defended PMK and the rest of the Kartrashians on Twitter.
Won’t continue 2 speak on this but I have got 2 let this out real quick. I have let this man and many others get away with a lot of shit. He wasn’t there 2 raise me. He was absent ALL of my life due to his own demons. My mother and grandmother raised me. Queens raised me. For the first time since they left, came a blessing of a FAMILY that I married into. FAMILY. That man wasn’t even invited to my wedding. He has never met my mother in law and some of my other family. How can a man who has NOT once called me to check on my well being have the nerve to talk so recklessly about his own “son”. He is my downfall! His own demons may be the ONLY thing he gave 2 me. He disrespecting the ONLY FAMILY that has loved me without expecting anything in return. They are the ONLY ones that have been here consistently 4 me during this dark time. Only person 2 blame is myself. Say what you want about me but leave the ones who have done nothing but protect and love me out of this! This goes to out to everyone!
“…has loved me without expecting anything in return.” I really have to give kredit where kredit is due. PMK was able to type out that absurd shit without kackling herself into a koma. And she was able to do it while a hollowed butt plug containing Lamar’s soul was shoved up her kulo. She’s a genius.
Sources close to Lamar tell TMZ that he couldn’t have tweeted out that tweet, because he’s currently living the Charlie Sheen life by holing himself up in an Internet-free crack house 100 miles away from L.A. Lamar is extra paranoid that people are watching him, so he doesn’t have Internet. Lamar thinks his phone is tapped, so he’s only on it for 15 seconds at a time. Anytime somebody comes to visit, he takes their phone. So Lamar didn’t write the tweet and he doesn’t even know that his dad slammed the Kartrashians again.
The sources also say that Lamar’s got two 20-something crack skanks living with him. All he does all day is smoke crack, listen to rap music, bone one of his crack skanks and send his driver out to get more crack. (“That’s EXACTLY what my average day is like!” – the Mayor of Toronto) Lamar is afraid he’s going to get caught smoking crack, so he uses an app that deletes the texts he sends after they’re read and lets him know if a screen shot of his text was taken. (Note to sext-happy Anthony Weiner: You should probably get that app.)
I don’t know if I believe either of these stories. I thought PMK was leaking anti-Lamar stories to TMZ, so why would she leak a story about how he didn’t write that tweet? Maybe she did it to throw us off her story-leaking trail. THE MIND GAMES! I know, if you asked me what I think about Syria, I’d look at you as though you were speaking Korean in Pig Latin. But if you asked me who I think is leaking stories about Lam Lam to TMZ, I’d spit out a 10,000 word konspiracy theory. My teachers are proud.
UPDATE: Aaaaaand now TMZ is saying that Lamar did tweet that ode to the Kardashians. Apparently, Lamar called the Kardashians before he tweeted that note of praise. Lamar wanted them to know he was about to tweet it. Kim, PMK, Khloe and Kourtney were all on speaker when he called. This means that TMZ and PMK are back together again. All is well now!
And here’s Khlozilla showing us what it would look like if a Sasquatch mated with a Predator while filming KUWTK with the slow one and the slow one’s daughter yesterday.
E! News and People said last night that Lamar Odom took his ass to rehab to get treatment for his addiction to booze and the bad shit. But now TMZ is saying that Lamar isn’t drying out in rehab and Khloe Kardashian has no idea where he is. Khloe galloped up to the top of the mountain behind their mansion and let out her mating call, but didn’t hear anything back. Where in the world is Lam Lam?
TMZ says that they’ve been “making calls” since yesterday and were told that he’s not in any rehab facility. Lamar hasn’t had any contact with Khloe or any of the Kartrashians for the past few days. A different source tells Radar that Khloe has been calling Lamar’s agent to find out where he is:
“[She's] relieved that Lamar has finally gone to rehab, if that’s where he really is, but she is pissed off she doesn’t even know his location. She has stood by him for the past two years as he descended into a nasty addiction of Oxycontin and cocaine. For him to cut Khloe out is just a knife in her back. Khloe has reached out to Lamar’s sports agent Jeff Schwartz, but has got no information about Lamar’s whereabouts.”
The source also said that Lamar believes that the Kartrashians leaked stories about his drug use to the media (DUH), so if he’s in rehab, his people are not going to tell them which one he’s in.
This story has been a mess from beginning to end. Lamar’s a crackead! No, wait, he’s an Oxyhead! Khloe and Lamar are separated! No, wait, they’re not separated! Lamar’s in rehab! No, wait, Lamar’s not in rehab!
Will the Kartrashians please come together as a fame whore family and come up with one story and decide which one media outlet they’re going to leak it to? Pimp Mama Kris needs to control her whores’ mouths, because they’re farting out all kinds of shit to everybody. Wrangle up your whores, PMK, and get it together. This is not way to run a fame whore operation.
But more importantly, will somebody please tell us if Blockbuster got their DVDs back?
Here’s Lamar buying Coke and food the other day.
After failed intervention after failed intervention, Lamar Odom has checked into rehab, because I guess getting a DUI was his bottom under rock bottom and because rehab might be the only place where he’s safe from all the Kartrashians and their kameras. Cut to an E! camera popping out of Lamar’s toilet in rehab when he goes to piss.
Two sources (source one: Kim’s left ass cheek, source two: Kim’s right ass cheek) tell People that Lamar is now in rehab. Once source said that Lamar realized he needs help. If you believe TMZ, then Lamar is getting help for his addiction to crack. If you believe Radar, then Lamar is getting help for his addiction to Oxy. If you believe me, then Lamar is really in a plastic surgery clinic to get face/off surgery so Pimp Mama Kris can’t track him down when he gets away from them.
But seriously, I’m sure that in rehab, Lamar will learn that the key to getting sober and staying sober is to RUN, RUUUUUUN far away from the Kartrashians as fast as you can. It’s too late for Bruce. They already got him. But it’s not too late for you, Lamar.
Here’s Lamar renting DVDs at Blockbuster the other day. Yes, Blockbuster still exists. No, that Blockbuster isn’t going to get their DVDs back from Lamar.
TMZ (like I had to tell you) reports that there’s a bottom under Lamar Odom’s rock bottom and he found it this morning. Lamar was put into handcuffs just before 4 this morning in the San Fernando Valley after he was pulled over and got several Fs on several sobriety tests.
The cops caught Lamar on the 101 freeway driving way too slow and swerving all over the place. Lamar was driving 50mph when the speed limit is 65mph. It took Lamar a little while to pull over after the cops dropped their sirens on his ass. TMZ says that Lamar drove past 3 exits before finally pulling over. The cops realized right away that his ass was all the way drunk. After failing those sobriety tests, Lamar was taken in and booked. And since he probably had some kind of bad shit running through his veins, he refused to take any and all chemical tests.
My first thought after reading that headline at TMZ was, “Pimp Mama Kris really does go hard.” When you screw with her magnificent whore empire, she’ll get you labeled as a crackhead and get her contacts in the police department to take you down. Pimp Mama Kris? More like Mob Boss Mama Kris. But really, I don’t think PMK had anything to do with this, but I do think that she’s going to have all of E!’s cameras on him when he gets released. It’ll be the perfect season opener for her family’s reality shit show.
And now Lamar and Khloe have his and hers mug shots to put on their mantle.
Radar says that as you’re reading this, the angels are singing while a wrecking ball smashes into the ugly set for Pimp Mama Kris’ Hour of Whoring. Or maybe Universal Studios will buy it from FOX to use in their Addams Family attraction since it’s kind of hard to reproduce creepiness like that.
Pimping out her granddaughter not once, but twice, worked for a second, but it wasn’t enough for FOX to give PMK’s talk show a full season. A source tells Radar that FOX recently told Pimp Mama Kris that the ratings for the Summer test run of her talk show sucked harder than the Kardashian family at-home lipo vacuum and so they aren’t picking up her show.
GOD IS REAL!!!!!!
The source said this:
“There is no chance the talk show is going to get a green light from FOX. The ratings were averaging an abysmal 0.8 and advertisers were less than enthusiastic about it.
Kris did get a ratings bump for her last show when Kanye West revealed the first baby pic of daughter, North West, with Kim, but that was a one time shot in the arm and it wouldn’t be indicative of what the ratings trend would be.”
FOX had a camera on Pimp Mama Kris’ face the moment they told her that her talk show would not be coming back and they plan to sell the footage to psychiatrists who will use it as a visual anti-depressant on their patients. Because nothing will make you feel like a ball of sunshine like seeing a piece of Pimp Mama Kris’ Whore Kingdom come crumbling down.
FOX is going to wait a week or three to announce it and they plan to slip the news out on a Friday afternoon, hoping that nobody will notice. It will be hard not to notice when everyone’s screaming the news from the top of rainbows and skipping down the streets while toasting each other with cups full of Andre.
Don’t worry about Pimp Mama Kris, though. Now she’ll have even more time to come up with new and creative ways to take down Lamar Odom. Speaking of, here’s Lamar at Taco Bell today. I guess Lamar buying Pintos ‘N Cheese means that he traded in his crack pipe for a bong for now.
TMZ says that the Los Angeles Clippers wanted to re-sign Lamar Odom for next season since he performed so well during last season, but they couldn’t get a hold of him all summer and when they read that he’s been spending a lot of time with a crack pipe, they moved on. They signed Antawn Johnson instead, which means that Lamar’s time with the Clippers has come to an end. But Radar says even though Lamar isn’t a Clipper anymore, his teammates from the Clippers and his former teammates from the Lakers busted an intervention on his ass in a hotel room in L.A. on Monday. It didn’t go well and I’m guessing it’s because Candy Finnigan wasn’t there.
Some source says that Lamar was obviously high on some kind of bad shit when his teammates and sports agent Jeff Schwartz tried to talk him into rehab. The intervention lasted for 3 hours and ended with Lamar quitting that bitch. After Lamar left, Jeff Schwartz called him over and over to get him to come back to the hotel, but he wouldn’t. The source said this:
“One minute Lamar is agreeing that he needs help and 30 minutes later, he says he just needs to be left alone. This is extremely serious, but there is really nothing anyone can do to save Lamar unless he wants to save himself. Lamar was sweaty and talking very fast. His hands were shaking and he couldn’t sit still. He kept pacing in the room.”
Radar says that TMZ has it wrong about Lamar being addicted to crack, because OxyContin is his drug of choice, not crack.
TMZ also says that during his time with the Mavericks and the Lakers, Lamar was smoking Oxy and crack in various hotel rooms during out-of-town games. Hotel staff at one hotel claims that after Lamar checked out, they found burn marks in the carpet and white powder on the tables. It was as if a Lohan tornado hit the room. The Mavericks apparently knew something was going on and they didn’t want any part of it, so they cut him mid-season and paid him for a full-season.
Meanwhile, the mastermind of this whole thing, Pimp Mama Kris, went on a little staged photo-op stroll in L.A. yesterday. I’m surprised bitch didn’t wear a Just Say No t-shirt dress.