The last time we checked in on the addict-saving efforts of the Florence Nightingale-for-ratings of the Kardashian family, Khloe Kardashian, she was trying to get her husband-in-the-technical-sense Lamar Odom into rehab after he started boozing again.
Khloe now might be giving up on her dream of the KUWTK kameras catching her blowing a good-luck kiss to Lamar through the rehab gates. Khloe went onto Instagram yesterday and poured her heart out about this rehab drama with Lamar. Either the test audiences at E! weren’t responding to the Khloe Saves Lamar…Again storyline or she’s too busy finding ways to insert herself into Rob Kardashian’s messy engagement plot, because it sounds like she’s done with Lamar’s rescue.
And no, not for falling under the crack-like spell of the Kardashians again and returning to the inner pimp circle. That’s not an addiction recognized by the medical community (yet). We recently found out that Lamar Odom was caught boozing at a bar only a few hours before the Kardashian family’s annual Easter Sunday church parking lot photo op. Sources told TMZ that Lamar pregamed before church to show Khloe Kardashian that he’s healthy enough to be drinking again. Well, TMZ says that Khloe isn’t buying it, and she wants to get his possibly-relapsing ass into rehab. Khaptain Save-A-Ho-For-Ratings to the rescue!
Sources close to Khloe (so basically Khloe trying to look productive on the set of Kocktails with Who Kares) claim that Khloe is doing everything she can to get Lamar into treatment before shit goes off the rails and we get a repeat performance of 2013 Lam Lam. Lamar is apparently OK with physical rehab, but he refuses to go to the kind where you sit in a circle and acknowledge your demons while clutching a mug of coffee with both hands. Sources say Khloe offered up an outpatient program, and Lamar still wasn’t having it.
A source tells TMZ that Lamar’s family, including his two kids, are backing Khloe up on her rehab request. They’re not confident Lamar can do the casual alcohol thing because addiction problems run in their family.
While Khloe is dedicated to Lamar’s recover, she’s apparently not that dedicated. Khloe has reportedly told friends and family that there will come a time where she stops trying to “save” Lamar. You know, when she gets a call from the network telling her that the “Khloe Saves Lamar” story line is no longer doing well with KUWTK audiences. But if Khloe isn’t saving Lamar, what will her character do? I guess they could always give her a multi-season story arch about finally seeing a white penis.
Personally, I’d need all the booze I could get my hands if I knew there was a chance I’d be seen in public with the Kartrashians. I’m not saying it’s right, I’m just saying I understand.
TMZ says that Lamar Odom, seen above with what is still technically his wife, Khloe Kardashian, prepared for the Kardashian Family’s annual Easter Sunday pap stroll by going to a bar. According to staff, Lamar showed up at an Irish pub shortly before midnight on Saturday night with two friends, ordered three drinks, and left around 1am on Sunday. Unless the Kardashians go to some special mid-afternoon Easter service that caters to those who need at least 7 hours of makeup and hair work before they praise the risen spirit, that would place Lamar’s trip to the bar roughly 9 hours before he strolled into church.
TMZ has some pictures of Lamar at the bar, and as you can see, he’s wearing the same hoodie he wore to church later that morning.
Drinking before church is practically a requirement for some (raises hand). But since it’s barely been six months since Lamar was found unconscious in a Nevada brothel, drinking before anything might not be so great of an idea.
And it might not have been a one-time thing to help him mentally prepare himself in the event Satan’s succubi step into God’s house and burst into flames. Sources tell TMZ that Lamar thinks he’s healthy enough to be casually drinking with friends, and that one of the reasons he went to church that morning was to prove to Khloe that he can function after a night of boozing. They also claim that Khloe is super bummed out that Lamar is falling back into his old ways. To show you that she’s really bummed out, Khloe hopped on Twitter earlier today and tweeted: “I hate this feeling…. Helpless.” Then Kris Jenner patted her on the head and praised her for finding a way to get a lil’ attention from all of this.
Rob Kartrashian, the shame stain on the Kartrashians’ pristine reputation, hasn’t been on the family’s whore show Krapping Up The Kartrashians for a while, because he apparently hates them more than he hates vegetables not covered with nacho cheese and they don’t want the entire world to know that they’re related to a fat fat fatty. But because KUWTK’s season 11 ratings were reportedly lower than Pimp Mama Kris’ sense of morals, producers may be looking to boost that shit by showing Rob’s totally real and 100% authentic relationship with Blac Chyna. Um, the producers should know that if they really want the ratings to shoot into the universe and beyond, they should do a very special episode where they drop the Kartrashians and their wart hog asses into a pit full of starving tigers.
At Madison Square Garden in NYC today, Kanye West farted up his newest collection of overpriced dumpster finds and he also played songs (one of which has a touching lyric about Taylor Swift) from his new album The Life of Pablo. I’m guessing he means Pablo Escobar since coke was definitely a co-producer on that album. Kanye held his Yeezy season 3 show at MSG, because his organizers probably knew it was the only place that’d be able to hold in his craziness, throbbing ego and all of those foam insulation-filled Kartrashian asses.
I watched mostly all 500 hours of the livestream and for the first time in my life I felt really sorry for models. They all had to stand there looking sad, hungry and constipated while wearing dusty, moth-eaten aerobics clothes that have been in the back of someone’s mother’s closet for the past 30 years. Not only did they have to stand there in condom beanies and Star Trek Lululemon shit, but they also had to listen to Kanye fuck his own ego while playing songs from his new album.
And I bet that’s how it happens, too. Some random guy approaches you outside of a club, grabs your arm and whispers: “Sir, I regret to inform you that E! has decided to terminate your relationship. Please take this waist trainer and set of gently-used butt pads as our way of saying thanks. Now shoo.”
I guess Khloe Kardashian got tired of that polygamist life, because UsWeekly is saying she went ahead and kalled it kwits with her sort-of side piece of seven months, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden. And of course I say sort-of, because as we all know, KoKo is technically still married to Lamar Odom (but more on that later). According to a source, Khloe gave James his walking papers “weeks ago“, which means this marks the first time in history that a Kardashian waited longer than 0.3 seconds before mining their personal life for attention.
But don’t worry – Khloe isn’t wasting any Botoxed tears on James. According to a post written by some poor intern for Khloe’s pay-per-view website (via the Daily Mail), Khloe is looking for love on OkCupid. If you’re single and ready to sell your soul to Kris Jenner, Khloe goes by “khloewithak“. Khloe likes long walks from her car in front of the paps, cuddling up by the fires of Hell while renegotiating her contract with Satan, and jet-setting off to countries with lax butt injection laws. Khloe says she made an OkCupid profile for fun (and probably a check) and adds that she’s never done online dating before.
One thing she forgot to mention is that any potential suitors should probably be cool with Khloe ditching them to hang out with her husband. Like she did on Super Bowl Sunday. TMZ says Lamar has made a ton of progress since he was found unconscious at a Nevada brothel back in October. Lamar reportedly went hiking on Sunday with Khloe and Kim Kardashian, and his goal is to run again. His improvement also includes processing thoughts and carrying on a conversation. So basically, his brain function has surpassed that of Khloe and Kim’s.
Here’s an on-the-prowl Khloe looking like a suburban cougar hairstylist named Barb (that’s a compliment) at the club with French Montana last night. Shit, Khloe’s really recycling all her past dicks this week.
In other news, I think this might be the first time a Kardashian used a four-syllable word.
Kris Jenner’s fourth favorite income tax write-off, Khloe Kardashian, is on Ellen on Monday to pimp out her self-help book, Shield Your Eyes, I’m About To Get Naked. And because asking a Kardashian talk about books usually ends with a with a glazed-over look on their face and a “404-what is reading???” error flashing across their brain, Ellen DeGeneres changed the subject from her book to that sad mess with Lamar Odom.
I don’t know how you can break your silence when you haven’t been silent for years, but okay, People.
Because Pimp Mama Kris felt like now was a great time to stop feeding krap to the media through “sources” and milk the situation for an exclusive cover interview, Khloe Kartrashian said lines that a script writer and publicist wrote for her while talking to People Magazine. The picture of her giving us “sads but maintaining the sexy” was a nice touch, but they really should’ve added a halo since she’s the saint who saved Lamar Odom from death! (UPDATE: Khloe wookie slapped us haters on Twitter by saying that this photo shoot for People was done before Lamar was found unconscious in a brothel and she was kontractually obligated to due a 5-minute follow-up interview after what happened.)
In the event you were looking for a definition for the word “Shameless“, I think I can help you out. Dennis Hof, the dude who owns the Nevada brothel where Lamar Odom was found unconscious and Pimp Mama Kris’ biggest competition for the person who is being the most tacky during this whole ordeal, has once again opened his mouth and coughed up a pile of stink. You would have thought he had gotten it all out during that appearance on Nancy Grace, but apparently not.
Up until a little over a week ago, Khloe Kartrashian, seen above in the old days looking like a factory-defected Chyna Real Doll, had herself a new basketball-playing millionaire piece and had moved on from her estranged husband Lamar Odom. But then Lamar nearly overdosed to death in a Nevada brothel and Khloe dropped everything to be by his side, and thanks to the power of her love, he came out of a coma and is slowly recovering. It’s the greatest love story of our time…and it’s going to go on.
Both Khoe and Lamar signed their divorce papers in July, but the court in L.A. never finalized it because they’re backed up. Their divorce was set to be finalized in a couple of months. But TMZ says that’s not going to happen, because Khloe’s lawyer Laura Wasser went to court this morning to ask a judge to withdraw the divorce papers that they both signed. The judge approved the request and now Khloe and Lamar’s divorce is off.
Khloe already dumped her latest piece James Harden and TMZ also says that a few days ago, she and Lamar agreed to give their marriage another chance. They both signed the papers to cancel their divorce. Lamar signed the papers from his hospital bed. And right after he did that, I’m sure Pimp Mama Kris appeared in a cloud of black smoke and quickly pricked Lamar’s finger for blood before telling him that he may as well sign a few more things since he’s well enough to sign. You know, nothing big. She just made him sign away all his future earnings and the right to use him without pay in all their reality shows and in ads for the new fragrance Unbreakable II.
As soon as Lamar said “yes” to Khloe asking him if he wants to get back together and join the Kartrashian family again, his doctor probably scribbled onto his chart, “Check brain activity again STAT!”
And here’s Kim Kartrashian wearing a funeral muumuu while leaving a Vogue party with Kanye West.