In a video that looks like it was shot on a cracked crack pipe in a steam room, a shirtless Lamar Odom and his shirtless friend rap out some crap while being drunk or high out of their minds. TMZ somehow got a hold of the video (read: Pimp Mama Kris dropped it in Harvey Levin’s slot) that was supposedly taken this month.
Lam Lam slur raps about being on the DL (Note: Either crack burned away the definition of “DL” from his brain or he admitted to liking hard peen) when Khloe Kardashian’s away and making money from their bottle of stank “Unbreakable.” This is a mess, but it still sounds better than Bound 2. I also wouldn’t be surprised if a drunk and topless Bruce Jenner was in the corner of the room bouncing his head.
And this should really be shown to high school students during drug awareness assemblies. They should be taught to stay away from the bad shit known as the Kardashians. This is your brain on Kardashian.
Seen above using her dark-sided, mind-reading powers to suck Lamar Odom’s Twitter password from the memory bin in his brain, Pimp Mama Kris and her kreatures are probably the ones who wrote the tweet where he slapped at his father and praised the Kardashian Klan. A couple of days ago, Lamar’s father Smack Daddy Joe Odom injected a large load of YES into the largest vein on my soul when he called Pimp Mama Kris an “evil bitch” who never cared about his son and is spreading lies. The next day, Lamar suspiciously came out of hiding and defended PMK and the rest of the Kartrashians on Twitter.
Won’t continue 2 speak on this but I have got 2 let this out real quick. I have let this man and many others get away with a lot of shit. He wasn’t there 2 raise me. He was absent ALL of my life due to his own demons. My mother and grandmother raised me. Queens raised me. For the first time since they left, came a blessing of a FAMILY that I married into. FAMILY. That man wasn’t even invited to my wedding. He has never met my mother in law and some of my other family. How can a man who has NOT once called me to check on my well being have the nerve to talk so recklessly about his own “son”. He is my downfall! His own demons may be the ONLY thing he gave 2 me. He disrespecting the ONLY FAMILY that has loved me without expecting anything in return. They are the ONLY ones that have been here consistently 4 me during this dark time. Only person 2 blame is myself. Say what you want about me but leave the ones who have done nothing but protect and love me out of this! This goes to out to everyone!
“…has loved me without expecting anything in return.” I really have to give kredit where kredit is due. PMK was able to type out that absurd shit without kackling herself into a koma. And she was able to do it while a hollowed butt plug containing Lamar’s soul was shoved up her kulo. She’s a genius.
Sources close to Lamar tell TMZ that he couldn’t have tweeted out that tweet, because he’s currently living the Charlie Sheen life by holing himself up in an Internet-free crack house 100 miles away from L.A. Lamar is extra paranoid that people are watching him, so he doesn’t have Internet. Lamar thinks his phone is tapped, so he’s only on it for 15 seconds at a time. Anytime somebody comes to visit, he takes their phone. So Lamar didn’t write the tweet and he doesn’t even know that his dad slammed the Kartrashians again.
The sources also say that Lamar’s got two 20-something crack skanks living with him. All he does all day is smoke crack, listen to rap music, bone one of his crack skanks and send his driver out to get more crack. (“That’s EXACTLY what my average day is like!” – the Mayor of Toronto) Lamar is afraid he’s going to get caught smoking crack, so he uses an app that deletes the texts he sends after they’re read and lets him know if a screen shot of his text was taken. (Note to sext-happy Anthony Weiner: You should probably get that app.)
I don’t know if I believe either of these stories. I thought PMK was leaking anti-Lamar stories to TMZ, so why would she leak a story about how he didn’t write that tweet? Maybe she did it to throw us off her story-leaking trail. THE MIND GAMES! I know, if you asked me what I think about Syria, I’d look at you as though you were speaking Korean in Pig Latin. But if you asked me who I think is leaking stories about Lam Lam to TMZ, I’d spit out a 10,000 word konspiracy theory. My teachers are proud.
UPDATE: Aaaaaand now TMZ is saying that Lamar did tweet that ode to the Kardashians. Apparently, Lamar called the Kardashians before he tweeted that note of praise. Lamar wanted them to know he was about to tweet it. Kim, PMK, Khloe and Kourtney were all on speaker when he called. This means that TMZ and PMK are back together again. All is well now!
And here’s Khlozilla showing us what it would look like if a Sasquatch mated with a Predator while filming KUWTK with the slow one and the slow one’s daughter yesterday.
E! News and People said last night that Lamar Odom took his ass to rehab to get treatment for his addiction to booze and the bad shit. But now TMZ is saying that Lamar isn’t drying out in rehab and Khloe Kardashian has no idea where he is. Khloe galloped up to the top of the mountain behind their mansion and let out her mating call, but didn’t hear anything back. Where in the world is Lam Lam?
TMZ says that they’ve been “making calls” since yesterday and were told that he’s not in any rehab facility. Lamar hasn’t had any contact with Khloe or any of the Kartrashians for the past few days. A different source tells Radar that Khloe has been calling Lamar’s agent to find out where he is:
“[She's] relieved that Lamar has finally gone to rehab, if that’s where he really is, but she is pissed off she doesn’t even know his location. She has stood by him for the past two years as he descended into a nasty addiction of Oxycontin and cocaine. For him to cut Khloe out is just a knife in her back. Khloe has reached out to Lamar’s sports agent Jeff Schwartz, but has got no information about Lamar’s whereabouts.”
The source also said that Lamar believes that the Kartrashians leaked stories about his drug use to the media (DUH), so if he’s in rehab, his people are not going to tell them which one he’s in.
This story has been a mess from beginning to end. Lamar’s a crackead! No, wait, he’s an Oxyhead! Khloe and Lamar are separated! No, wait, they’re not separated! Lamar’s in rehab! No, wait, Lamar’s not in rehab!
Will the Kartrashians please come together as a fame whore family and come up with one story and decide which one media outlet they’re going to leak it to? Pimp Mama Kris needs to control her whores’ mouths, because they’re farting out all kinds of shit to everybody. Wrangle up your whores, PMK, and get it together. This is not way to run a fame whore operation.
But more importantly, will somebody please tell us if Blockbuster got their DVDs back?
Here’s Lamar buying Coke and food the other day.
After failed intervention after failed intervention, Lamar Odom has checked into rehab, because I guess getting a DUI was his bottom under rock bottom and because rehab might be the only place where he’s safe from all the Kartrashians and their kameras. Cut to an E! camera popping out of Lamar’s toilet in rehab when he goes to piss.
Two sources (source one: Kim’s left ass cheek, source two: Kim’s right ass cheek) tell People that Lamar is now in rehab. Once source said that Lamar realized he needs help. If you believe TMZ, then Lamar is getting help for his addiction to crack. If you believe Radar, then Lamar is getting help for his addiction to Oxy. If you believe me, then Lamar is really in a plastic surgery clinic to get face/off surgery so Pimp Mama Kris can’t track him down when he gets away from them.
But seriously, I’m sure that in rehab, Lamar will learn that the key to getting sober and staying sober is to RUN, RUUUUUUN far away from the Kartrashians as fast as you can. It’s too late for Bruce. They already got him. But it’s not too late for you, Lamar.
Here’s Lamar renting DVDs at Blockbuster the other day. Yes, Blockbuster still exists. No, that Blockbuster isn’t going to get their DVDs back from Lamar.
TMZ (like I had to tell you) reports that there’s a bottom under Lamar Odom’s rock bottom and he found it this morning. Lamar was put into handcuffs just before 4 this morning in the San Fernando Valley after he was pulled over and got several Fs on several sobriety tests.
The cops caught Lamar on the 101 freeway driving way too slow and swerving all over the place. Lamar was driving 50mph when the speed limit is 65mph. It took Lamar a little while to pull over after the cops dropped their sirens on his ass. TMZ says that Lamar drove past 3 exits before finally pulling over. The cops realized right away that his ass was all the way drunk. After failing those sobriety tests, Lamar was taken in and booked. And since he probably had some kind of bad shit running through his veins, he refused to take any and all chemical tests.
My first thought after reading that headline at TMZ was, “Pimp Mama Kris really does go hard.” When you screw with her magnificent whore empire, she’ll get you labeled as a crackhead and get her contacts in the police department to take you down. Pimp Mama Kris? More like Mob Boss Mama Kris. But really, I don’t think PMK had anything to do with this, but I do think that she’s going to have all of E!’s cameras on him when he gets released. It’ll be the perfect season opener for her family’s reality shit show.
And now Lamar and Khloe have his and hers mug shots to put on their mantle.
Radar says that as you’re reading this, the angels are singing while a wrecking ball smashes into the ugly set for Pimp Mama Kris’ Hour of Whoring. Or maybe Universal Studios will buy it from FOX to use in their Addams Family attraction since it’s kind of hard to reproduce creepiness like that.
Pimping out her granddaughter not once, but twice, worked for a second, but it wasn’t enough for FOX to give PMK’s talk show a full season. A source tells Radar that FOX recently told Pimp Mama Kris that the ratings for the Summer test run of her talk show sucked harder than the Kardashian family at-home lipo vacuum and so they aren’t picking up her show.
GOD IS REAL!!!!!!
The source said this:
“There is no chance the talk show is going to get a green light from FOX. The ratings were averaging an abysmal 0.8 and advertisers were less than enthusiastic about it.
Kris did get a ratings bump for her last show when Kanye West revealed the first baby pic of daughter, North West, with Kim, but that was a one time shot in the arm and it wouldn’t be indicative of what the ratings trend would be.”
FOX had a camera on Pimp Mama Kris’ face the moment they told her that her talk show would not be coming back and they plan to sell the footage to psychiatrists who will use it as a visual anti-depressant on their patients. Because nothing will make you feel like a ball of sunshine like seeing a piece of Pimp Mama Kris’ Whore Kingdom come crumbling down.
FOX is going to wait a week or three to announce it and they plan to slip the news out on a Friday afternoon, hoping that nobody will notice. It will be hard not to notice when everyone’s screaming the news from the top of rainbows and skipping down the streets while toasting each other with cups full of Andre.
Don’t worry about Pimp Mama Kris, though. Now she’ll have even more time to come up with new and creative ways to take down Lamar Odom. Speaking of, here’s Lamar at Taco Bell today. I guess Lamar buying Pintos ‘N Cheese means that he traded in his crack pipe for a bong for now.
TMZ says that the Los Angeles Clippers wanted to re-sign Lamar Odom for next season since he performed so well during last season, but they couldn’t get a hold of him all summer and when they read that he’s been spending a lot of time with a crack pipe, they moved on. They signed Antawn Johnson instead, which means that Lamar’s time with the Clippers has come to an end. But Radar says even though Lamar isn’t a Clipper anymore, his teammates from the Clippers and his former teammates from the Lakers busted an intervention on his ass in a hotel room in L.A. on Monday. It didn’t go well and I’m guessing it’s because Candy Finnigan wasn’t there.
Some source says that Lamar was obviously high on some kind of bad shit when his teammates and sports agent Jeff Schwartz tried to talk him into rehab. The intervention lasted for 3 hours and ended with Lamar quitting that bitch. After Lamar left, Jeff Schwartz called him over and over to get him to come back to the hotel, but he wouldn’t. The source said this:
“One minute Lamar is agreeing that he needs help and 30 minutes later, he says he just needs to be left alone. This is extremely serious, but there is really nothing anyone can do to save Lamar unless he wants to save himself. Lamar was sweaty and talking very fast. His hands were shaking and he couldn’t sit still. He kept pacing in the room.”
Radar says that TMZ has it wrong about Lamar being addicted to crack, because OxyContin is his drug of choice, not crack.
TMZ also says that during his time with the Mavericks and the Lakers, Lamar was smoking Oxy and crack in various hotel rooms during out-of-town games. Hotel staff at one hotel claims that after Lamar checked out, they found burn marks in the carpet and white powder on the tables. It was as if a Lohan tornado hit the room. The Mavericks apparently knew something was going on and they didn’t want any part of it, so they cut him mid-season and paid him for a full-season.
Meanwhile, the mastermind of this whole thing, Pimp Mama Kris, went on a little staged photo-op stroll in L.A. yesterday. I’m surprised bitch didn’t wear a Just Say No t-shirt dress.
Throughout most of the weekend, TMZ and Pimp Mama Kris spooned in her bed while she spilled “secrets” about her soon-to-be ex-son-in-law in their ears. TMZ was on Lamar Odom’s ass all weekend. They broke the story that Lamar and Khloe Kardashian’s marriage is on life support because of his addiction to the bad shit. Then they said that Lamar’s drug of choice is crack and he’s been smoking it on-and-off for the past two years, but he recently he jumped on the crack pipe hard. Then TMZ said that Lamar has been missing for the past 3 days and his family thinks he might be smoking the bad shit out of a broken light bulb on the bathroom floor in a crack house somewhere. And then early this morning, TMZ reported that Khloe kicked Lamar out of the house on Wednesday and told him that they were officially separated. Pimp Mama Kris should pat herself on the devil horns for a job well done, because she managed to make Lamar Odom look like a raging cheating crackhead in under 48 hours!
TMZ says that on Wednesday, Khloe told Lamar that if he didn’t take his ass to rehab again, she’d leave him for good. Lamar chose the crack pipe and so Khloe kicked out him. Neither of them have talked with a divorce lawyer yet and TMZ says that Khloe hasn’t met with one, because she still has hope that Lamar can get clean. She met up with him recently to try to talk him into getting help.
So I’m guessing that Lamar is passing his peen to side pieces and Pimp Mama Kris wants you to believe that he’s only cheating on her precious little Sasquatch because he’s high on crack. When Lamar and Khloe eventually get divorced, she’ll coming out looking like a saint who tried to save him. But you know, I figured that all of the Kardashian dudes were on hard drugs. That’s how they deal. When Kim, Khloe, Kourtney and PMK are in the front room arguing about whose newly bleached labia lips look whiter, Kanye, Lamar, Khloe and Bruce are in the back room shooting heroin into the spot where their nuts used to be.
And here’s Khloe not wearing her wedding ring a few days ago.
For a while now, the tabloids have been saying that Khloe Kartrashian’s marriage to Lamar Odom has been lying in the grave next to Pimp Mama Kris’ parenting skills and they blamed it on him passing his peen to any trick with a functioning punane. But TMZ says that Khloe and Lamar’s 4-year-old marriage is headed for the toilet because of his addiction to drugs.
Several sources tell TMZ that for the past 2 years, Lamar has been downing the bad shit regularly and finally went to rehab in San Diego last August after Khloe made him. Rehab was the last place Lamar wanted to go, but he went for her. Khloe knew that Lamar didn’t want to be there and could possibly check out of there, so she hired private investigators to secretly stand guard all day, every day to make sure he didn’t try to leave. Lamar checked out of rehab after 3 weeks and stayed clean during his season with the Clippers, but went back to the bad shit once the season ended. Drugs are the main problem in their marriage, but Khloe also believes the rumors that Lamar cheated on her ass recently.
Lamar’s family and the Kartrashians staged an intervention and tried to get him back into rehab, but he refused to go, because pre-season training is about to start. Khloe hasn’t called up a divorce lawyer yet, because she “is more concerned about saving Lamar than ending her marriage.”
A source tells Radar that Lamar’s drug of choice is OxyContin and he’s also addicted to Ambien. Radar’s source said, “He just doesn’t care about anyone or anything right now. He has had it with the Kardashians and just wants to be left alone. Everyone is very, very, worried about him.”
If I was a member of the Kartrashian family and saw my future in Bruce Jenner’s shellacked chicken piccata face, I too would probably fill my insides with the bad shit. If this is true, then I’m actually surprised that Pimp Mama Kris didn’t stage the intervention live on her show with a studio audience and everything. Is Pimp Mama Kris actually growing a human heart? Naw, she’s probably telling FOX that if they pick up her shitty show full-time, Lamar’s live intervention will be on the first episode.
UPDATE: TMZ’s “source” says that Lamar’s drug of choice is crack. Damn, Pimp Mama Kris is coming at Lamar hard. I’m just waiting for Lamar to quote Whitney by saying, “I make too much money to smoke crack. Crack is whack.”
And here’s a skinnier Lamar and a friend picking up a few suitcases from Khloe’s friend at a gas station in Calabasas, CA on Wednesday.
Star Magazine claims in their newest issue that Lamar Odom has a wandering dick and his wandering dick wandered into the mouth of a 29-year-old stripper from DC. A pap ran into Lamar yesterday and decided to ask him if he’s screwing around on Khloe Kartrashian. Lamar denied it, because if he did cheat on Khloe with some random stripper, Pimp Mama Kris would bury his ripped-out nuts next to Bruce Jenner’s ripped-out nuts for not making a cheating sex tape that she can sell to the highest bidder.
Lamar could’ve left it at that, but he really wanted to nail his denial into that pap’s brain. Lamar got out of his car with a piece of metal in his hand and pulled a bunch of crap out of the pap’s car. Lamar put it in his car, realized he could probably got in trouble for that and then threw all the stuff into the middle of the street. Lamar then smashed a different pap’s car with the metal bar before randomly posing for a picture with a fan. I half-expected Lamar to bow at the end, because he gave that bus full of tourists a show.
The paparazzo is obviously going to sue Lamar for millions of dollars, but he should really feel grateful and lucky to be alive. If Khlozilla was in the car with Lamar, it would’ve gone down a lot differently. It would’ve looked a lot like this:
Bitch would be smashing flying helicopters with her claws and stomping on houses. Tourist would’ve been tossed in the air, The National Guard would’ve been called in and most of the L.A. area would still be without power today. So my frozen-due-to-airconditioning body is grateful that Khlozilla was not around.