At Madison Square Garden in NYC today, Kanye West farted up his newest collection of overpriced dumpster finds and he also played songs (one of which has a touching lyric about Taylor Swift) from his new album The Life of Pablo. I’m guessing he means Pablo Escobar since coke was definitely a co-producer on that album. Kanye held his Yeezy season 3 show at MSG, because his organizers probably knew it was the only place that’d be able to hold in his craziness, throbbing ego and all of those foam insulation-filled Kartrashian asses.
I watched mostly all 500 hours of the livestream and for the first time in my life I felt really sorry for models. They all had to stand there looking sad, hungry and constipated while wearing dusty, moth-eaten aerobics clothes that have been in the back of someone’s mother’s closet for the past 30 years. Not only did they have to stand there in condom beanies and Star Trek Lululemon shit, but they also had to listen to Kanye fuck his own ego while playing songs from his new album.
And I bet that’s how it happens, too. Some random guy approaches you outside of a club, grabs your arm and whispers: “Sir, I regret to inform you that E! has decided to terminate your relationship. Please take this waist trainer and set of gently-used butt pads as our way of saying thanks. Now shoo.”
I guess Khloe Kardashian got tired of that polygamist life, because UsWeekly is saying she went ahead and kalled it kwits with her sort-of side piece of seven months, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden. And of course I say sort-of, because as we all know, KoKo is technically still married to Lamar Odom (but more on that later). According to a source, Khloe gave James his walking papers “weeks ago“, which means this marks the first time in history that a Kardashian waited longer than 0.3 seconds before mining their personal life for attention.
But don’t worry – Khloe isn’t wasting any Botoxed tears on James. According to a post written by some poor intern for Khloe’s pay-per-view website (via the Daily Mail), Khloe is looking for love on OkCupid. If you’re single and ready to sell your soul to Kris Jenner, Khloe goes by “khloewithak“. Khloe likes long walks from her car in front of the paps, cuddling up by the fires of Hell while renegotiating her contract with Satan, and jet-setting off to countries with lax butt injection laws. Khloe says she made an OkCupid profile for fun (and probably a check) and adds that she’s never done online dating before.
One thing she forgot to mention is that any potential suitors should probably be cool with Khloe ditching them to hang out with her husband. Like she did on Super Bowl Sunday. TMZ says Lamar has made a ton of progress since he was found unconscious at a Nevada brothel back in October. Lamar reportedly went hiking on Sunday with Khloe and Kim Kardashian, and his goal is to run again. His improvement also includes processing thoughts and carrying on a conversation. So basically, his brain function has surpassed that of Khloe and Kim’s.
Here’s an on-the-prowl Khloe looking like a suburban cougar hairstylist named Barb (that’s a compliment) at the club with French Montana last night. Shit, Khloe’s really recycling all her past dicks this week.
In other news, I think this might be the first time a Kardashian used a four-syllable word.
Kris Jenner’s fourth favorite income tax write-off, Khloe Kardashian, is on Ellen on Monday to pimp out her self-help book, Shield Your Eyes, I’m About To Get Naked. And because asking a Kardashian talk about books usually ends with a with a glazed-over look on their face and a “404-what is reading???” error flashing across their brain, Ellen DeGeneres changed the subject from her book to that sad mess with Lamar Odom.
I don’t know how you can break your silence when you haven’t been silent for years, but okay, People.
Because Pimp Mama Kris felt like now was a great time to stop feeding krap to the media through “sources” and milk the situation for an exclusive cover interview, Khloe Kartrashian said lines that a script writer and publicist wrote for her while talking to People Magazine. The picture of her giving us “sads but maintaining the sexy” was a nice touch, but they really should’ve added a halo since she’s the saint who saved Lamar Odom from death! (UPDATE: Khloe wookie slapped us haters on Twitter by saying that this photo shoot for People was done before Lamar was found unconscious in a brothel and she was kontractually obligated to due a 5-minute follow-up interview after what happened.)
In the event you were looking for a definition for the word “Shameless“, I think I can help you out. Dennis Hof, the dude who owns the Nevada brothel where Lamar Odom was found unconscious and Pimp Mama Kris’ biggest competition for the person who is being the most tacky during this whole ordeal, has once again opened his mouth and coughed up a pile of stink. You would have thought he had gotten it all out during that appearance on Nancy Grace, but apparently not.
Up until a little over a week ago, Khloe Kartrashian, seen above in the old days looking like a factory-defected Chyna Real Doll, had herself a new basketball-playing millionaire piece and had moved on from her estranged husband Lamar Odom. But then Lamar nearly overdosed to death in a Nevada brothel and Khloe dropped everything to be by his side, and thanks to the power of her love, he came out of a coma and is slowly recovering. It’s the greatest love story of our time…and it’s going to go on.
Both Khoe and Lamar signed their divorce papers in July, but the court in L.A. never finalized it because they’re backed up. Their divorce was set to be finalized in a couple of months. But TMZ says that’s not going to happen, because Khloe’s lawyer Laura Wasser went to court this morning to ask a judge to withdraw the divorce papers that they both signed. The judge approved the request and now Khloe and Lamar’s divorce is off.
Khloe already dumped her latest piece James Harden and TMZ also says that a few days ago, she and Lamar agreed to give their marriage another chance. They both signed the papers to cancel their divorce. Lamar signed the papers from his hospital bed. And right after he did that, I’m sure Pimp Mama Kris appeared in a cloud of black smoke and quickly pricked Lamar’s finger for blood before telling him that he may as well sign a few more things since he’s well enough to sign. You know, nothing big. She just made him sign away all his future earnings and the right to use him without pay in all their reality shows and in ads for the new fragrance Unbreakable II.
As soon as Lamar said “yes” to Khloe asking him if he wants to get back together and join the Kartrashian family again, his doctor probably scribbled onto his chart, “Check brain activity again STAT!”
And here’s Kim Kartrashian wearing a funeral muumuu while leaving a Vogue party with Kanye West.
Since Lamar Odom has miraculously come out of a coma and is doing much better after reportedly overdosing in that Nevada whore house, he was well enough to be airlifted by helicopter from Sunrise Hospital to Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles last night. Lamar’s family said in a statement that he already took his first steps. As we all scream, “It’s a miracle!”, Pimp Mama Kris is probably down in the PR headquarters in her lair high-fiving all her publicist minions for the good job they did feeding exaggerated stories to the media to maximize the drama.
People says that Lamar has checked into the ICU at Cedars and he’s breathing on his own, but some of his insides are still jacked up. People also let us know for the ten millionth time that his estranged wife Khloe Kartrashian hasn’t left his side once and traveled with him to L.A. Even if Lamar can breathe on his own, he’s probably using an oxygen mask a lot, because he can’t take the scent of wookie caca wafting off of Khloe since she hasn’t even left his side to use the toilet!
TMZ says that Lamar was moved to Cedars so he can get better specialized care. Many of his organs are getting stronger, but his kidneys have pretty much checked out and are done. He’s doing 6 hours of dialysis a day, but he’s probably going to need a transplant. We all know how this is going to play out. One of the Kartrashians is going to HEROICALLY give Lamar one of her kidneys. That’s if they all haven’t had their kidneys lipo’d out since waist training can only do so much.
And TMZ also says that Khloe has pressed the pause button on her relationship with her current piece James Harden, because she needs to devote all her time to nursing Lam Lam back to health like the Khloence Knightingale she is. I’m sure James Harden understands. Sometimes when you “date” a Kartrashian, you have to let them go and follow their heart and by that I mean you have to let them go to where the storylines, ratings and cameras are.
Just a few days ago, everybody reported that Lamar Odom was pretty much brain dead and was about to slow waltz with the Grim Reaper into the afterworld. But then, the sad news slowly started to turn to good news and we were told that Lamar was starting to come to and that he squeezed Khlozilla’s paw and fluttered his eyes open. We also heard that he was never totally brain dead, because he never completely lost oxygen to his thinking area. Well, now TMZ is saying that Lamar is going to pull through, but he’s going to need lots of physical therapy. Khloe Kartrashian will be by Lamar’s side the entire time and won’t run away screaming, “HELP! HELP! STAY AWAY FROM ME!” the same way she did when she claims he ambushed her on the street.
TMZ’s “sources” say that doctors have told Lamar’s family and friends that he’s never going to be 100%. They believe he has suffered permanent damage to his body and that he’ll need to work for months with therapists. The “source” also says that Khloe will help him during his long road to getting better. Khloe is still with her latest basketball-playing piece James Harden and her helping Lamar doesn’t mean they’re going to get back together. Uh huh….
I’m sure that Khloe won’t be the only one who will be glued to Lamar’s side. The cameras and several producers will be too. Down in her underground lair, Pimp Mama Kris and the dark-sided talking Sun-In bottle Ryan Seacrest are probably coming up with storylines for their new show Khloe Saves Lamar. (The New York Post is going to need to update their story about how the Kardashians destroy lives for fame.) And PMK’s boss Lucifer probably forgives her for that all that public “praying to God” stuff, because he’s thinking of all of the ratings and money their new show will bring.
And TMZ also reports that Bunny Lain, one of the hookers who allegedly partied with Lam Lam before he OD’d, has gone missing. Hmmm…
Ex-NBA player and ex-Khloe Kardashian husband Lamar Odom is showing definite signs of improvement, according to various sources. TMZ is reporting that Lamar is experiencing “the best 24 hours he has had so far.” We can all agree that this is due to most of the Kardashians leaving the hospital, right? Who needs Lourdes (the town with the magical God fountain in France, not Madge’s daughter) when all you need is that fame whore trash taken out of your hospital room?
As you know, Odom was in a coma for four days after he was found knocked out at a brothel just outside of Pahrump, NV in Crystal. He’s recovering at Sunrise Hospital in Las Vegas.
Yesterday, practically everybody reported that Lamar Odom’s condition was every kind of bleak and getting worse. It was reported that he was on a ventilator and didn’t have any brain activity. There were also konflicting reports about whose paw he squeezed. ET said that Lamar “fluttered his eyes open” and squeezed Kim Kartrashian’s hand, and TMZ said that Lamar squeezed his wife Khloe Kartrashian’s hand. See, this is what happens when a pack of fame whores don’t come together and get their stories straight before leaking it to the media. Pimp Mama Kris is slipping! Today TMZ is saying there’s a little glimmer of hope, because LamLam’s heart function is getting better.