Four years ago, Kelly Osbourne won a spot in my cold, dark heart (don’t worry, there’s a pile of blankets and a space heater) when she hissed the word butterface in Lady Gaga’s general direction, and their capital B bitch-feud was born. For years they’ve been going back and forth hurling insults like rotten pieces of cake (with one of the insults, quite literally, being a cake), but sadly both bitches went soft and decided to pack their insults away in the attic. NOOOOOOOO! Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the passive-aggressive cakes??
According to Radar, the acrylic nail glue version of the Hatfield-McCoy feud finally came to an end last night at Elton John’s annual Oscar viewing party. Kelly proved to the world that her and Lady Gaga had each extended the other a pastel fiberglass olive branch by Instagramming a pic of herself playfully choking Gaga with the caption: #peace at last. I know; I too was hoping that peace at last was a reference to her trying to choke out any future songs from Gaga’s vocal cords.
I’m not thrilled that Kelly has buried the hatchet with Gaga (I know, how dare I insult Hatchet Face like that) because I think it speaks very very poorly of her sanity and judgement, but sometimes you just gotta say Fuck It and re-route your energy into hating more important things…like the person responsible for going so heavy on the Photoshop that they ended up making you look like Kim Kardashian dry fucked Dame Edna.
Here’s more of Kelly at Elton John’s 22nd Annual AIDS Foundation Academy Awards Viewing/After Party looking like if Betty Draper had an eccentric sister from Baltimore who’s best friend is a poodle named Cha-Cha, as well as Lady Gaga at both the Oscars and the Vanity Fair after party. Say Something Nice: the lace on Gaga’s wig is a very hard worker.
Lady Gaga posted a nearly-500 word entry on her blog (via MTV), saying her upcoming Terry Richardson-directed video for “Do What U Want“, featuring piss king R. Kelly, will be late and crappy just like her “Applause” video.
GooGoo didn’t name names, but said she was betrayed and that her time and health were “gravely mismanaged”. Maybe she kicked Terry to the curb after he attempted to out-weird her by suggesting she dress up in a costume made from used condoms, pipe cleaners and fresh kelp while she fondles llamas. It’s Gaga, so who the fuck knows? She also said she is devastated because she devotes so much of her life to creating fantasies for her fans and apologized for
not being Beyonce cranking out steaming piles in a week she’s passing off as videos.
I have to confess I don’t get her visual art shit at all, so the delay of “Do What U Want” just means a little more time for blissful ignorance. I watched the video for “Applause” from start to finish and had this look on my face, even though I desperately wanted to check out at the 0:22 mark where she looks like she’s dressed up as a dingle berry caught in Kim Kardashian’s ass cheeks. If she wanted to create fantasies that appealed to me, she’d make videos where she’s home alone in her house with a good book or about winning the lottery and not having to cook or clean for a family of five anymore.
You can read her blog post in it’s entirety after the jump if you’re interested in an explanation longer and more tedious than her 14-minute video for “Marry the Night“, along with a thinly veiled threat that the ARTPOP fuckery is just beginning.
Well, one of my Christmas wishes was for Jinx Monsoon and Raven to play Mary Magdalene and Jesus in a disco Dynasty version of Jesus Christ Superstar and I guess this still is the closest I’m ever going to get to that.
On last night’s grand finale of The Voice (SPOILER ALERT: Someone whose album you’re not going to buy won), Lady CaCa and Xtina officially ended whatever cunt royale feud they were in by singing a duet of “Do What U Want” while trapped in some kind of bizarre Carrington mansion lesbionic fever dream.
There was so much screeching and grunting that it sounded like sketti night at Honey Boo Boo’s house or like John Travolta letting his growling Scientolohole loose on a bunch of unsuspecting massage therapists at a gay spa. But with that being said, I’d much rather hear Xtina sing this wreck of a song with Lady CaCa than R. Kelly. Because when R. Kelly sings “I could be the drink in your cup,” I have to pour 2 cups of boiling Clorox into my ear hole to erase the images of him saying that line while trolling a high school with nothing but a tarp and a full bladder. But when Xtina sings “…do what u want,” I just picture her serenading all the Bronzer sticks at the MAC Counter at Nordstrom. I’d much rather think about Xtina giving oral to a Bronzer stick…..
I’m torn and split my anus stitches about this campy disaster of a performance. On one hand, I’m into anything that looks like a reboot of Dynasty set in Eternia. On the other hand, Lady CaCa’s wig ruined this shit for me. She should’ve known to leave that hair on the wig head, because Jackie Rogers Jr., Ann Jillian and Agnetha from ABBA all worked it better than she ever could.
MULTIPLE CHOICE QUESTION (Please circle only one) In this picture, Lady Gaga stepped out in London looking like:
B. She found this costume in a Lucasfilm studios dumpster under Jar Jar Binks
C. She’s hustling Artpop like the rent is due tomorrow
D. All of the above
My say something nice of the day is this: her makeup looks really good. No shade, it’s flawless. Now if you’l excuse me, giving Gaga a genuine compliment has made enough bile rise in my throat to burn out my trachea, so I’m off to the hospital.
I wish I could say that was that and call it a day, but there are 24-hours in a day (which means 24 costume changes and 24 calls to the paparazzi) so I’m bringing you not one, but two Gaga “HI, I’M STILL HERE!!!” looks. This fringed bedazzled-donut mess is business casual compared to what she wore in London last night:
Kid 2: ”You got your Glimmer from She-Ra on my Elton John Louis XIV costume!”
Kid 1: ”Let’s just carelessly embrace our mistake and sell it to Lady Gaga as ART.”
But I’ve always wanted to know what Gaga’s costumes look like up-close; I bet you can see tons of staples and craft glue. What I’m saying is, they look like fucking daycare craft projects.
(Pics via Splash)
First she came for Madonna,
and I didn’t speak out because I’m not Madonna.
Then she came for Boy George,
and I didn’t speak out because I’m not Boy George.
Then she came for me,
and there was no one left to speak for me.
- Max Headroom, 2014 (ooooh, poem from the future! So spooky!)
Lady Gaga stepped out of a London hotel yesterday looking like (deep breath) a Culture Club fever-dream took a dump on an abandoned Limited Too store after ripping through every season of VH1′s I Love The 80s in the back of a MAC break room that has yet to have its gas leak fixed. What? Exactly. As long as she chooses to leave the house looking like an incoherent mess, then I’ll keep writing like an incoherent mess. It’s called tough love.
So here’s the breakdown: Gaga is wearing Hailee Steinfeld’s hat from True Grit, a shirt with a bunch of Picasso faces saying “Why me? What did I do to deserve this?”, and makeup that looks like when you’re a kid and you beg your sister or brother to let you do their makeup, and you try really hard for the first 5 minutes, but then you think “Why the fuck haven’t I given them Misfits blush and a hitler moustache?” Also I think I see a penis (on the shirt, guys, on the shirt. But yes, Gaga does look like a fucking dickhead).
And Janine Melnitz from Ghostbusters, Mac Tonight, Snorks, and the cartoon mechanics from A-ha’s Take On Me video need to call up Erin Brockovitch and prep a class action lawsuit against Lady Gaga, because it’s only a matter of time before this stunt queen runs out of real people to steal from and starts ripping off non-reals. We’re closer than you think to a music video where she runs through a fucking animated newspaper comic strip in circle glasses and a giant moon-mask with a tube coming out of her head. Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the 80s?!?
(Pics via Splash)
NSFW pic of Gag Me’s pube situation after the jump!
On last night’s AMAs, Lady CaCa and R.Kelly commemorated the 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy by murdering him again with a fucked-up performance of “Do What U Want” which made my brain piss out of a stream of lukewarm question marks. It was a bizarre mess from start to finish. It started out with Lady CaCa as a secretary and ended with her belting against her haters as headlines with shit like “LADY GAGA IS FAT” flashed on the screen behind her. Somewhere in between all of that she did the worst Marilyn Monroe impersonation, dry sexed R. Kelly on the president’s desk and then sang while a video of her as a GaGaling played behind her.
ALL OF THESE THINGS ARE NOT LIKE THE OTHER. Nothing made sense. What does an underage girl tinkling on a piano have to do with R. Kelly?! (I just answered my own question.) But really, what does Marilyn Monroe have to do with a young GaGa playing the piano and what does the “CACA IS OVAH” headlines have to do with JFK? The play I wrote in the 3rd grade about a time traveling ladybug who’s really into Jody Watley made more sense than this shit. Ah, but such is CaCa’s art. It only makes sense to her mind after she’s snorted all the coke and overdosed on her own brilliance.
And the only thing that would’ve saved this performance is if they mashed “Do What U Want” with “I Wanna Piss On You.”
When Lady CaCa started off her performance of “Do What You Want” on Saturday Night Live last night by dancing like my Japanese grandpa doing an impersonation of Michael Jackson after having too many glasses of plum wine, I knew that a warm double stream of pure fuckery was about to splash against my eyeballs.
Before golden shower sex tape star and acquitted child toucher R. Kelly slithered out, CaCa did some kind of literal translation interpretive dance. Now you can say you know what it looks like when a little old lady with the ticks shows off the moves she learned during Fosse dance class at the senior citizen. It was just CaCa being the organic artist that she is. And then after R. Kelly came out, she became his bottom bitch and he looked like he had a severe case of the NOs while touching her. He was probably uncomfortable because she turned 18 a long ass time ago. When she got on her knees in front of his crotch, I expected her to pull his zipper down and pull out a long yellow silk scarf. Now that would’ve been art. And I’m pretty sure this performance counts as an actual skit.
If you need to cleanse your palate of CaCa and R. Kelly achieving the impossible by doing a low-budget, messy version of Robin Thicke and Miley’s VMAs performance, click play on the video below of her performing “Gypsy” and skip to the 3:19 mark to let a humanized shard of purple glitter thrust some sunshine into you.
And here’s CaCa at the SNL after-party looking like a cross between a third tier Carol Channing impersonator and my rubber Breathless Mahoney doll that melted when I accidentally put it in the dryer.
File this under: Stunt Queens Be Stuntin’ (oh, she’s stunted, alright). Lady Gaga, who’s in New York to appear on Saturday Night Live this evening, chose to have a casual Friday night in with some pizza (Okay, so far I’m on board). But instead of ordering pizza to be delivered to her house, she decided to make a big show of her picking up pizza from – WAIT FOR IT – her father’s restaurant, Joanne Trattoria. Two pizzas? Wow, it must be really good! I mean, she can’t stop talking about the place!
It doesn’t take a graduate from the Detective La Toya: Getting to the Bottom of Things 8-week program (it’s held in the vacant office behind a poorly-ventilated acrylic nail salon) to know what’s going on here. 3 months ago that we learned Papa Gaga (government name: Joseph Germanotta) was running the restaurant from Ratatouille, but it seems his restaurant problems don’t stop at rodents. Pulling up Joanne Trattoria on Yelp gives you an all-you-can eat buffet of crappy reviews to scroll through. Here are some of my favorites:
“We complained to him about the pasta and told him that the garlic knots were stale and he told us we had to leave. If we did not, he would call the cops.” (Theresa R)
“Not a place to go GA GA over for sure!!!” (Sadie J)
“If this is what passes for Italian food than chef boyarde is the greatest of all time. I threw up outside from the nasty food” (Iron S)
“I HAVE HAD BETTER ITALIAN AT THE OLIVE GARDEN.” (Matthew L)
To be fair, Matthew L, I too have had better Italian at The Olive Garden. Hell, greet me at the door with a warm Olive Garden breadstick bouquet, and I’ll sing the praises of pasta cooked in a toilet.
Here are some more pictures of Lady Gaga moments before she struggled to push 26 slices of rat hair-covered pepperoni pizza down the in-sink garbage disposal (I’m sure there’s an NSYNC garbage disposal joke in there somewhere, but I’ll let you guys have at it).
(Pics via Splash)
Everybody has woken up next to “what the fuck was I thinking??” before. We’ve rolled over, wiped the please-don’t-let-this-be-jizz crust from our eyes and done a full body shudder at the creature next to us. We’ve gathered our things, shoved our underwear in our pocket, and gotten hell out of there hoping nobody at the office notices we’re wearing the same clothes as yesterday, or that we used the contents of a Splenda packet to brush the taste of strange dick out of our mouths in the corner of the break room.
If you play your slut cards right, you may be able to take coyote ugly to a whole new level and have a threesome with Lady Gaga and Taylor Kinney. In an interview with Howard Stern (via The Daily Mail), Gaga said she’d be open to another woman joining them in the twisted throes of coitus.
“Here’s the thing. I’m not the type of person that’s having sex all the time with lots of random people. I don’t do that. I’m in a monogamous relationship, we’re having a good time, we’ve been together awhile. If it were to come up, it comes up. For me, the connection that I feel is so strong that it’s so much stronger than physical.”
Taylor is almost hot enough for me to throw out a Hunger Games (except in my case it’s the Thirsty Ass Bitch Games) “I volunteer as tribute!“, even with Gaga’s weird ass sitting there wearing a cornucopia filled with vulture feathers, headless Barbie dolls and Taco Bell Fire Sauce packets on her damn head or some shit. Part of me thinks it can’t be worse than getting down to drunk, nasty business with a guy back in the day, asking him if he was getting hot and wanted to take of his sweater, then realizing he was already shirtless but was just that hairy. Humping up on one of her skinned Muppet costumes may be familiar territory after that. I can’t help but wonder if her snatch is lined with red velvet cupcakes in order for Taylor to even put up with her crap or if the “stronger than physical” connection on his part is from the deep, “get money bitch” cockles of his heart.
Here are some pics of Gaga’s at her Sirius XM appearance wearing glasses she stole from Whoopi Goldberg and bunkass Christina Aguilera wig (circa her Lady Marmalade days), wearing a cape made of unicorn farts.