Lady Gaga recently spotted getting bullshit over her Jeep breaking down in the desert and staging a mini-Coachella in response, looks to be locked-in to run the halftime show during Super Bowl 51. I realize the costumes will be as out there as humanly possible. We’ll probably be able to see whatever she wears from space. But please, Stefani, keep the demin panties at home. While
enduring watching the epilepsy-taunting vid for Perfect Illusion, I kept thinking I saw gap and it wasn’t the kind we know as “thigh.”
America’s unofficial cheerleader Taylor Swift totally just read that and developed an aggressive eye twitch. “Oh, so they’re probably going with a blonde pop star who isn’t me? Okay. Cool cool cool. This is fine, I’m fine. Someone get me a gosh-darn strawberry wine cooler NOW.” According to Billboard, there’s a very good chance that Lady Gaga will let out her art school vocals while wearing Discount Costume Warehouse couture on Super Bowl Sunday.
And as always, there’s two dudes saying everything you want to say with their faces…….
Lady Gaga queefed up her first solo single in three years last night, and when I first heard it, I had to double check to see if it was a cover. Because I could’ve sworn I heard it before during a montage scene in a straight-to-VHS movie about magicians from the late-80s. It also sounds like the opening theme song of a low-budget MacGyver knock-off that starred Greg Evigan and was canceled after 2 episodes.
Perfect Illusion was written and produced by Gaga, Mark Ronson, Kevin Parker of Tame Impala and BloodPop. (which yes, sounds like what a chick gets when she jacks off with a popsicle while on her period.) It sounds like so many things to me. I hear “a second-rate Stevie Nicks impersonator pinching her nose and doing a Count Chocula accent while singing a Hannah Montana B-side.” I also hear a touch of Kelly Osbourne’s cover of Papa Don’t Preach. (Here we go again!)
Some (the Little Monsters who’d worship it if it was nothing but a 3-minute loop of Gaga’s auto-tuned fart) love it and some hate it. It’s 80s-ish, so I don’t hate it. But I don’t luuuuuuuuuuuuh-aaaaahv it either. Okay, I hate it now, because it’s obviously stuck in my head.
And on a nice note (don’t get used to that), I do luuuuuuuh-aaaaaaav the “90s lot lizard wearing a crop top made by Reynolds Wrap” look that Lady Gaga worked in London today.
It feels like I was slapped in the face with casting news after casting news today, and sadly for me, none of the news is about how Hollywood is doing something right for once by making an all-gay reboot of Showgirls called Showgays starring Matt Boner and Cheyenne Jackson. I’ve lumped up all the news into one post and it works because every one of these projects has the potential to be a big, sloppy, gay mess or just a big, sloppy mess.
Last month, people started whispering that the romance between Lady Gaga and Taylor Kinney had gone bad (almost as bad as that joke). Not too long after, Gaga tapped the metaphorical mic and announced that it wasn’t bad, just stale enough to be taking a break. Gaga explained she didn’t know what was going to happen to them, but that she believed they were soulmates and hoped they could work it out. Taylor, on the other hand, appears to be a whole lot less que sera, sera about the whole thing.
Yesterday, everyone reported that Lady Gaga’s relationship with Taylor Kinney was as dead as her dream of hearing her name called out by Anthony Anderson during the Emmy nominations. They were done! Over! The tacky engagement ring was off! And a blind item may have been solved! Last night, Lady Gaga hopped on Instagram to confirm the news herself, except she had just one teensy little correction to make. Their love isn’t 100% dead, it’s just in a coma.
Gaga took a break from her Mexican vacation to post a black and white picture of herself and Taylor looking like a a couple of hipster Precious Moments figurines with a caption about how they’re “soulmates.” It’s very ‘soap opera character talking to themselves in a mirror’, which is pretty much what I’d expect from Gaga. For full effect, wipe a thin layer of Vaseline over your screen and throw on the theme from Love Story.
Taylor and I have always believed we are soulmates. Just like all couples we have ups and downs, and we have been taking a break. We are both ambitious artists, hoping to work through long-distance and complicated schedules to continue the simple love we have always shared. Please root us on. We’re just like everybody else and we really love each other.
I, for one, can completely relate to that. I’m currently in a long-distance relationship with the Cheesecake Factory. I don’t know why Canadians love that shit, we just do. I’ve been in love with them from the very first second that artery-clogging sweet cheese hit my lips. Sadly, the closest location to me requires a $500 plane ticket and a few days off work. The last time I saw them was two months ago. Sure, I can eat a President’s Choice frozen cheesecake at home, but it’s just not the same. Thinking about it almost makes me cry. If I’m getting this sentimental over crappy cheesecake, I can only imagine how it feels for Gaga and Taylor. Getting regular pussy and dick is right up there with cheesecake.