Yesterday, everyone reported that Lady Gaga’s relationship with Taylor Kinney was as dead as her dream of hearing her name called out by Anthony Anderson during the Emmy nominations. They were done! Over! The tacky engagement ring was off! And a blind item may have been solved! Last night, Lady Gaga hopped on Instagram to confirm the news herself, except she had just one teensy little correction to make. Their love isn’t 100% dead, it’s just in a coma.
Gaga took a break from her Mexican vacation to post a black and white picture of herself and Taylor looking like a a couple of hipster Precious Moments figurines with a caption about how they’re “soulmates.” It’s very ‘soap opera character talking to themselves in a mirror’, which is pretty much what I’d expect from Gaga. For full effect, wipe a thin layer of Vaseline over your screen and throw on the theme from Love Story.
Taylor and I have always believed we are soulmates. Just like all couples we have ups and downs, and we have been taking a break. We are both ambitious artists, hoping to work through long-distance and complicated schedules to continue the simple love we have always shared. Please root us on. We’re just like everybody else and we really love each other.
I, for one, can completely relate to that. I’m currently in a long-distance relationship with the Cheesecake Factory. I don’t know why Canadians love that shit, we just do. I’ve been in love with them from the very first second that artery-clogging sweet cheese hit my lips. Sadly, the closest location to me requires a $500 plane ticket and a few days off work. The last time I saw them was two months ago. Sure, I can eat a President’s Choice frozen cheesecake at home, but it’s just not the same. Thinking about it almost makes me cry. If I’m getting this sentimental over crappy cheesecake, I can only imagine how it feels for Gaga and Taylor. Getting regular pussy and dick is right up there with cheesecake.
This will be very sad news for anyone who was waiting with anticipation to see what kind of busted bridal-style nonsense Lady Gaga would bring to her wedding. On the plus side, I’m sure we’ll all be happy to read some news about a famous person named Taylor that isn’t about Taylor Swift. After five years together, TMZ says that Lady Gaga and her fiancé Taylor Kinney are over. Gaga split with Taylor before she got married to him? How very un-Madonna of her.
Sources say Gaga and Taylor called it quits earlier this month, but can’t say who dumped who. TMZ says Gaga sort-of subtly confirmed she was un-engaged last week by strutting around Malibu without the giant swap meet-looking engagement ring Taylor gave her on Valentine’s Day in 2015. Gaga is currently in Cabo San Lucas and TMZ says she’s been seen without her ring there too.
Gaga and Taylor met on the set of the video for “You and I” back in 2011. They share two French bulldogs, Koji and Miss Asia Kinney, and a “But why???“-worthy post-sex nude cover for V magazine.
Neither Gaga nor Taylor have said anything about this yet. Taylor seems like a quiet type, so I don’t know if we should expect him to say much about this situation. Gaga, on the other hand. I’m actually a little shocked she didn’t announce the news herself by stepping out of her apartment wearing a cape made from torn-up wedding invitations and a bikini made from moldy wedding cake samples with glittery blue tears painted on her face.
UsWeekly is also confirming that Gaga and Taylor are over. No word on who the source of this information is. My guess is the press were tipped off by that engagement ring, and it did it for revenge. And I don’t blame it. I’d spill the tea too if Gaga left my ass at home in a boring old jewelry box while she went and partied it up in Cabo. Rings deserve a vacation too, Gaga!
I don’t know if there’s a Chinese equivalent to “COME TO BRAZIL, QUEEN.” But if there is, it’s something that will be put on hiatus indefinitely. The Guardian is reporting that China allegedly considers Lady Gaga a “hostile foreign force” and has banned her.
The third remake of A Star Is Born has been in the works for what feels like a century. Clint Eastwood was originally going to direct and he wanted his beloved empty chair to star as the Judy Garland/Barbra Streisand role (if only). Clint wanted Beyonce and when Beyonce checked out due to “scheduling conflicts,” he started talking to Esperanza Spalding about the role. Pepaw Clint could never get the remake out of “development hell,” because he couldn’t get a big name to sign on to the male lead. Clint tried to get Leonardo DiCaprio, Russell Crowe, Tommy Cruise, Will Smith, Gerard Butler and Christian Bale, but all of them dropped a big messy NO on that offer. Clint eventually got over that shit and dropped out as director. Bradley Cooper decided that he wanted to be the one to butcher A Star Is Born, so he signed on as director and the male lead. Beyonce was once again thinking about bringing her flawless acting skills to the remake, but she turned it down for good, because she apparently costs too much. And now it looks like Lady Gaga is going to do it. A Mess Is Born is back on track!
When I heard that the theme for the 2016 Met Gala was technology in fashion, I naturally assumed an artsy ~fashion~ type like Lady Gaga would go all-out. I was expecting she’d show up looking like C-3PO’s art school sister in a full-body rhinestone-encrusted gold-plated mech suit that was so heavy and would make walking so impossible, it would take her almost an hour to walk up the red carpet. But then she showed up in…this? Did she forget the Met Gala was that night? I’m not saying it’s bad, but it’s basically one of Britney’s Piece of Me bras, a bedazzled waist trainer, a pair of pewter panties, fishnets, a bootleg pair of Naomi’s fall-down heels, and your nana’s favorite sparkly casino jacket. It’s all very “Uh…sorry, what was the assignment?”
And that’s to say nothing of what’s happening on her facial area, which I think can best be described as “Paloma Faith YouTube makeup tutorial.” Gaga also did this at the Met Gala:
Kate Hudson doesn’t seem to mind. In all likelihood, she was probably just asking Gaga to help her warm it up for her a little in case she decided to take a bare-assed butt selfie in the bathroom for her part-time boo Nick Jonas. Nobody wants a butt full of goosebumps, after all.
Here’s more of Gaga looking like a yard sale Spectra doll and Kate Hudson wearing what appears to be a dress from the David’s Bridal x Edward Scissorhands capsule collection. Also included is Kate Hudson “trying” not to flash her coochie while arriving at an afterparty. Someone get Kate a glass of water, she’s clearly very thirsty!
I spoke of cruelty earlier, the cruel possibility of people sullying Prince’s holy name by messing with and releasing music that was locked away. Just like the fear of pain at the sight of a doctor’s needle, it is the anticipation, the threat, that is the worst part. And now we’ve been threatened again. Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga were seen having dinner together last night in L.A.. Which can only mean one, horrific thing… not that I’m speculating or being unfounded…
The last time we checked in with Bradley Cooper’s sure to be definitely good and not a disaster remake of A Star Is Born, all of our silver screen dreams were shattered because Warner Bros. told Beyonce to go call Becky with good hair when they saw how much money she wanted to star in this mess. Knowing that, the only logical conclusion we can come to about why BCoop and Gaga dined together is because he’s now wooing her to be his leading lady. Right? What else could it be. Nothing.
A Star Is Born starring Beyonce and directed by BCoop would have probably been the most incredible thing to ever get nominated for a Razzie, but I’ll take Lady Gaga in it. It’s going to take it from Obsessed 2: Ali’s Revenge to an art school production of Auntie Mame starring a cruise ship drag queen. And here’s Mr Director and his maybe Actress arriving to dinner on a motorcycle: