MULTIPLE CHOICE QUESTION (Please circle only one) In this picture, Lady Gaga stepped out in London looking like:
B. She found this costume in a Lucasfilm studios dumpster under Jar Jar Binks
C. She’s hustling Artpop like the rent is due tomorrow
D. All of the above
My say something nice of the day is this: her makeup looks really good. No shade, it’s flawless. Now if you’l excuse me, giving Gaga a genuine compliment has made enough bile rise in my throat to burn out my trachea, so I’m off to the hospital.
I wish I could say that was that and call it a day, but there are 24-hours in a day (which means 24 costume changes and 24 calls to the paparazzi) so I’m bringing you not one, but two Gaga “HI, I’M STILL HERE!!!” looks. This fringed bedazzled-donut mess is business casual compared to what she wore in London last night:
Kid 2: ”You got your Glimmer from She-Ra on my Elton John Louis XIV costume!”
Kid 1: ”Let’s just carelessly embrace our mistake and sell it to Lady Gaga as ART.”
But I’ve always wanted to know what Gaga’s costumes look like up-close; I bet you can see tons of staples and craft glue. What I’m saying is, they look like fucking daycare craft projects.
(Pics via Splash)
First she came for Madonna,
and I didn’t speak out because I’m not Madonna.
Then she came for Boy George,
and I didn’t speak out because I’m not Boy George.
Then she came for me,
and there was no one left to speak for me.
- Max Headroom, 2014 (ooooh, poem from the future! So spooky!)
Lady Gaga stepped out of a London hotel yesterday looking like (deep breath) a Culture Club fever-dream took a dump on an abandoned Limited Too store after ripping through every season of VH1′s I Love The 80s in the back of a MAC break room that has yet to have its gas leak fixed. What? Exactly. As long as she chooses to leave the house looking like an incoherent mess, then I’ll keep writing like an incoherent mess. It’s called tough love.
So here’s the breakdown: Gaga is wearing Hailee Steinfeld’s hat from True Grit, a shirt with a bunch of Picasso faces saying “Why me? What did I do to deserve this?”, and makeup that looks like when you’re a kid and you beg your sister or brother to let you do their makeup, and you try really hard for the first 5 minutes, but then you think “Why the fuck haven’t I given them Misfits blush and a hitler moustache?” Also I think I see a penis (on the shirt, guys, on the shirt. But yes, Gaga does look like a fucking dickhead).
And Janine Melnitz from Ghostbusters, Mac Tonight, Snorks, and the cartoon mechanics from A-ha’s Take On Me video need to call up Erin Brockovitch and prep a class action lawsuit against Lady Gaga, because it’s only a matter of time before this stunt queen runs out of real people to steal from and starts ripping off non-reals. We’re closer than you think to a music video where she runs through a fucking animated newspaper comic strip in circle glasses and a giant moon-mask with a tube coming out of her head. Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the 80s?!?
(Pics via Splash)
NSFW pic of Gag Me’s pube situation after the jump!
On last night’s AMAs, Lady CaCa and R.Kelly commemorated the 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy by murdering him again with a fucked-up performance of “Do What U Want” which made my brain piss out of a stream of lukewarm question marks. It was a bizarre mess from start to finish. It started out with Lady CaCa as a secretary and ended with her belting against her haters as headlines with shit like “LADY GAGA IS FAT” flashed on the screen behind her. Somewhere in between all of that she did the worst Marilyn Monroe impersonation, dry sexed R. Kelly on the president’s desk and then sang while a video of her as a GaGaling played behind her.
ALL OF THESE THINGS ARE NOT LIKE THE OTHER. Nothing made sense. What does an underage girl tinkling on a piano have to do with R. Kelly?! (I just answered my own question.) But really, what does Marilyn Monroe have to do with a young GaGa playing the piano and what does the “CACA IS OVAH” headlines have to do with JFK? The play I wrote in the 3rd grade about a time traveling ladybug who’s really into Jody Watley made more sense than this shit. Ah, but such is CaCa’s art. It only makes sense to her mind after she’s snorted all the coke and overdosed on her own brilliance.
And the only thing that would’ve saved this performance is if they mashed “Do What U Want” with “I Wanna Piss On You.”
When Lady CaCa started off her performance of “Do What You Want” on Saturday Night Live last night by dancing like my Japanese grandpa doing an impersonation of Michael Jackson after having too many glasses of plum wine, I knew that a warm double stream of pure fuckery was about to splash against my eyeballs.
Before golden shower sex tape star and acquitted child toucher R. Kelly slithered out, CaCa did some kind of literal translation interpretive dance. Now you can say you know what it looks like when a little old lady with the ticks shows off the moves she learned during Fosse dance class at the senior citizen. It was just CaCa being the organic artist that she is. And then after R. Kelly came out, she became his bottom bitch and he looked like he had a severe case of the NOs while touching her. He was probably uncomfortable because she turned 18 a long ass time ago. When she got on her knees in front of his crotch, I expected her to pull his zipper down and pull out a long yellow silk scarf. Now that would’ve been art. And I’m pretty sure this performance counts as an actual skit.
If you need to cleanse your palate of CaCa and R. Kelly achieving the impossible by doing a low-budget, messy version of Robin Thicke and Miley’s VMAs performance, click play on the video below of her performing “Gypsy” and skip to the 3:19 mark to let a humanized shard of purple glitter thrust some sunshine into you.
And here’s CaCa at the SNL after-party looking like a cross between a third tier Carol Channing impersonator and my rubber Breathless Mahoney doll that melted when I accidentally put it in the dryer.
File this under: Stunt Queens Be Stuntin’ (oh, she’s stunted, alright). Lady Gaga, who’s in New York to appear on Saturday Night Live this evening, chose to have a casual Friday night in with some pizza (Okay, so far I’m on board). But instead of ordering pizza to be delivered to her house, she decided to make a big show of her picking up pizza from – WAIT FOR IT – her father’s restaurant, Joanne Trattoria. Two pizzas? Wow, it must be really good! I mean, she can’t stop talking about the place!
It doesn’t take a graduate from the Detective La Toya: Getting to the Bottom of Things 8-week program (it’s held in the vacant office behind a poorly-ventilated acrylic nail salon) to know what’s going on here. 3 months ago that we learned Papa Gaga (government name: Joseph Germanotta) was running the restaurant from Ratatouille, but it seems his restaurant problems don’t stop at rodents. Pulling up Joanne Trattoria on Yelp gives you an all-you-can eat buffet of crappy reviews to scroll through. Here are some of my favorites:
“We complained to him about the pasta and told him that the garlic knots were stale and he told us we had to leave. If we did not, he would call the cops.” (Theresa R)
“Not a place to go GA GA over for sure!!!” (Sadie J)
“If this is what passes for Italian food than chef boyarde is the greatest of all time. I threw up outside from the nasty food” (Iron S)
“I HAVE HAD BETTER ITALIAN AT THE OLIVE GARDEN.” (Matthew L)
To be fair, Matthew L, I too have had better Italian at The Olive Garden. Hell, greet me at the door with a warm Olive Garden breadstick bouquet, and I’ll sing the praises of pasta cooked in a toilet.
Here are some more pictures of Lady Gaga moments before she struggled to push 26 slices of rat hair-covered pepperoni pizza down the in-sink garbage disposal (I’m sure there’s an NSYNC garbage disposal joke in there somewhere, but I’ll let you guys have at it).
(Pics via Splash)
Everybody has woken up next to “what the fuck was I thinking??” before. We’ve rolled over, wiped the please-don’t-let-this-be-jizz crust from our eyes and done a full body shudder at the creature next to us. We’ve gathered our things, shoved our underwear in our pocket, and gotten hell out of there hoping nobody at the office notices we’re wearing the same clothes as yesterday, or that we used the contents of a Splenda packet to brush the taste of strange dick out of our mouths in the corner of the break room.
If you play your slut cards right, you may be able to take coyote ugly to a whole new level and have a threesome with Lady Gaga and Taylor Kinney. In an interview with Howard Stern (via The Daily Mail), Gaga said she’d be open to another woman joining them in the twisted throes of coitus.
“Here’s the thing. I’m not the type of person that’s having sex all the time with lots of random people. I don’t do that. I’m in a monogamous relationship, we’re having a good time, we’ve been together awhile. If it were to come up, it comes up. For me, the connection that I feel is so strong that it’s so much stronger than physical.”
Taylor is almost hot enough for me to throw out a Hunger Games (except in my case it’s the Thirsty Ass Bitch Games) “I volunteer as tribute!“, even with Gaga’s weird ass sitting there wearing a cornucopia filled with vulture feathers, headless Barbie dolls and Taco Bell Fire Sauce packets on her damn head or some shit. Part of me thinks it can’t be worse than getting down to drunk, nasty business with a guy back in the day, asking him if he was getting hot and wanted to take of his sweater, then realizing he was already shirtless but was just that hairy. Humping up on one of her skinned Muppet costumes may be familiar territory after that. I can’t help but wonder if her snatch is lined with red velvet cupcakes in order for Taylor to even put up with her crap or if the “stronger than physical” connection on his part is from the deep, “get money bitch” cockles of his heart.
Here are some pics of Gaga’s at her Sirius XM appearance wearing glasses she stole from Whoopi Goldberg and bunkass Christina Aguilera wig (circa her Lady Marmalade days), wearing a cape made of unicorn farts.
And were go again…
Because the whole CaCa vs. Madge feud is good for CaCa’s business, she talked to Attitude Magazine (via HuffPo) about how everyone said that “Born This Way” is just “Express Yourself” in a cheaper dress. To CaCa’s ears, “Born This Way” and “Express Yourself” sound nothing alike and she’s not trying to be the next Madonna. Madge, being the supreme cunt that she is, responded to the comparisons by saying that she’s glad she could help CaCa write “Born This Way” and then she performed a mash-up of “Express Yourself” and “Express Yourself 2.0” every night on her MDNA Tour. CaCa tells Attitude that she shocked that Madge performed a piece of “Born This Way.” Yeah, even though CaCa got a check for it and probably signed off on it beforehand, she was shocked!
“I have to be really honest, I was completely kind of floored that Madonna was singing my song on her stage every night! I’m certainly not thinking about anybody but me and my fans when I’m on stage. The fact that I was on her mind at all. I mean, Madonna’s … she’s Madonna. I looked up to her for a long time. I’m not quite sure what her intention was -– to do that in the show, but I don’t really care. I think playing into the gossip of the tabloids and, I guess the fodder of the competition, that’s just not what I’m about. She chooses to use her voice the way she chooses to use hers and I choose to use mine the way I use mine. All it meant to me was that Madonna Ciccone was singing my song on her stage and I’m 27! And as a punk-rocker from New York, I’ve basically been hoping that I would become so good that one day I would piss off Madonna!”
First Miley basically calls herself punk and now this ho says that she’s just a punk rocker from New York… Lou Reed better make some room in his coffin, because Iggy Pop and all of The Ramones are going to crawl in there and roll around together.
Madge is the oldest whore on the stroll and she knows the game and can play it in her sleep. So she took the whole “copy controversy,” milked it all and used it to promote her damn tour. Now, Lady CaCa’s basically doing the same thing and they’re both going to keep biting at each other’s baginas until one of them pushes the other one down the stairs Showgirls-style.
And CaCa also talked about being a gay icon. CaCa, who for most of her career has thought of herself as the damn Evita to the gay community’s Argentina, tells Attitude that she’s not a gay icon and she doesn’t even know what that means!
“But… but… but… but here, where do I say I’m a gay icon? I never said I was a gay icon. When did that happen? Are those lyrics on the album? Absolutely not. I don’t even consider myself… I don’t even know what that word means. That was a label that was invented years ago. I’m a… [pauses] I’m a gay supporter.”
In this same interview, CaCa said that she’s done with weed and went from smoking 15 joints a day to smoking zero joints a day. I believe her based on that delusional “gay icon” quote. Bitch isn’t smoking weed, she’s smoking some seriously strong crack.
Our Lady of Perpetual Fuckery and Taylor Kinney have been together for two years, and over that time there have been more break up rumors than you can shake a frighteningly over-designed Gaga costume at. The latest had to do her work schedule and general weirdness (up to and including all of this shit). Taylor reportedly only sees her one night a month, thanks to an entourage of assistants and security. Apparently, it takes a village to raise not only a child, but also delusional, contrived performers. (Cue everybody thinking Taylor shouldn’t be bitching and instead should be thanking whatever deity he prays to that he only has to look at her once in a blue moon.)
The Daily Mail first reported a breakup, then said Gag Me’s appearance at the YouTube Awards with Taylor put the rumors to rest (and fulfilled his November obligation). Gaga busted out her best set of bedazzled Steve Buscemi teeth and pair of invisible pants while Eminem won Artist of the Year, robbing this melodic, singing swan of her rightful title.
Gaga also debuted her song “Dope” and it was as horrible as you can imagine. I can’t figure out if she’s emotional over her relationship, calling a moose or signaling to a taxi on her home planet to come get her ass, or why the hell anybody applauded for that mess. Skip to 1:47 if you’re hellbent on simultaneously going deaf, having a heart attack and breaking a hip falling out of your chair- that’s when the real pièce de résistance begins.
Taylor must have the patience of a saint or be dumb as a brick to be seen with her ridiculous ass. He certainly looks like he doesn’t want to put up with her bullshit in this Instagram video, so it could be the former. Still, he kind of comes across as a hot piece who struggles to put two sentences together and might need a cue card if someone asks his name, but I still would. Sometimes the best lays are the dumb lays as long as you can kick them out in the morning before the small talk starts.
(Pic via Tumblr)
I try to be fair and balanced in my writing (HA) but sometimes you need to sit back in contemplative silence and slow-clap for a bitch who brings the realness. My heart pulled a Grinch and grew three times larger for Kelly Osbourne after The Huffington Post reported that she told Lady Gaga to “Eat my shit”. NO OTHER CONTEXT IS NEEDED! Well, maybe just a bit. On Oct. 27, Lady Guh-gaa (copyright: Julie Klausner) appeared on UK’s The X Factor, where Kelly’s memaw Sharon Osbourne is a judge, and gave Sharon a cake for Kelly’s 29th birthday. Kelly and Gaga aren’t exactly wearing matching gold BFF necklaces, so Kelly saw this as the ultimate in empty gestures, and took to Twitter to blast a ho on their passive-aggressive cake-gifting tactics. Stars: They’re Just Like Us!
— Kelly Osbourne (@KellyOsbourne) October 27, 2013
— Kelly Osbourne (@KellyOsbourne) October 27, 2013
— Kelly Osbourne (@KellyOsbourne) October 27, 2013
This modern-day Hatfield-McCoy mess began a long, long time ago in 2009 (4 years is like decades in celebrity feuds) when Kelly called Gaga a “butterface” (classic). Lady Gaga took them as fightin’ words and chose to sic her fans on Kelly’s Twitter (who held a luncheon to decide their best course of action was to advise Kelly to kill herself). Gaga also wrote a blog post (jesus, this really does sound like some hillbilly shit) slamming Kelly for being on E!’s Fashion Police. Kelly chose to, quite literally, save the drama her mama, and let Sharon enter the ring, who called Lady Gaga a “bully”.
Gaga decided there’s no time like the present to release a peace dove into the sky (through cake, of course) but Kelly took this as a not-so-subtle “YOUR MOVE, FUCKER”. Which, honestly, wouldn’t we all? If someone I hated gave my mom a cake (I still can’t with that awkward cake move) my first instinct would be to put on my ‘Aw Hayul No’-brand typing gloves and Tweet my hatred out too. Just kidding; I’d probably send an email that said: “Thnx for the cake, gave it to my dog” and proceed to eat the cake myself. So sneaky.
I’m decidedly Team Kelly on this one because I know this theatrical bitch was up to something. Lady Gaga is playing this off like “Gee shucks, I was just tryna be nice is all” but we can all see through the bullshit, right? Homegirl has an album to promote, so poking a sleeping dog with a birthday cake is a great idea when it’s a slow week for your escapades. Speaking of which, here’s Gaga leaving her London hotel looking like a shitty corn husk craft I made at Church Camp when I was 7.
(Pics via Wenn)