Madonna’s 13th studio album isn’t expected to be released till like, Christmas or 2016 or some shit (whenever she takes a break from Instagramming sexy memaw selfies in the bathroom, really), but the details of one track have already been leaked, and I’m sure it was totally by accident and not carefully choreographed, because Madonna would never pull such a cheap stunt to drum up publicity for an upcoming album. Never!
According to the Daily Mail, the cunty diss-hissing Madonna of days past makes a return during a song called “Two Steps Behind Me” (aka where the assistant who was hired solely to administer her daily Botox injections is at all times) which is rumored to be about unauthorized Madonna impersonator Lady Gaga. And just like Lady Gaga, the a sampling of the lyrics shows that “Two Steps Behind Me” is destined to be a busted mess:
“You’re a copycat, Where is my royalty? You’re a pretty girl, I’ll give you that. But stealing my recipe, it’s an ugly look.”
“Did you study me hard enough? You’re never gonna be, you’re just a wannabe me. Like a sister all messed-up, who’s gonna help you out? In your fantasy, you can try it all. But you can’t be me.”
“You can walk the walk, even talk the talk. But you’ll always be two steps behind me.”
Oh my god, I love bitchy Madonna as much as the next person, but this song sounds like it was written by Regina George coming out of a Kalteen Bar coma. NO! Regina George would be more creative than that! This is the song Kim Kardashian would write about the “haters” if she knew how to write. It’s so bad. But you know the video will be way worse, and I’m actually really excited about that. Madonna is about as subtle as a shit in a shoe, so the video will definitely have a low-budget Lady Gaga (“So a low-budget Madonna?” – You) spying on Madge with binoculars and tearing Vogue-era pictures of out of magazines and hanging them on her wall. It’s going to be a melodramatic middle school-looking disaster. I can’t wait!
Somebody call Wilford Brimley and tell him we’ve got a code red senior citizen situation on our hands! The toxic rug glue from Tony Bennett’s perfect salt-and-pepper pepaw hairpiece has seeped into his brain and dissolved the part that’s able to distinguish talent from hot messy bullshit. Either that, or Lady Gaga has some career-killing dirt on Tony Bennett and she’s blackmailing him with it. “Let me record a crappy album with you, or else the whole world will know that _____”. I can’t even think of what it might be, since the more embarrassing thing I can think of is working with Lady Gaga. Maybe getting diarrhea at Girl Scout camp (lemme hear you scream if you also couldn’t handle BBQ chips as a kid!)
Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga were on the Today show this morning to promote the soon-to-be-released album of jazz duets they recorded together called Cheek to Cheek (you know that tacky bitch probably wanted to call it Ass to Ass). They also teased the video for the first single off the album, a version of Cole Porter’s ”Anything Goes”. The video isn’t done yet (they’re still Photoshopping her jawline) but they’ve released the song online:
Obviously Tony Bennett sounds flawless. THE END. But then there’s Gaga. She sounds like a hyperactive musical theatre-obsessed kid named Kevin auditioning for his middle-school production of Peter Pan. It’s basically Glee’s Rachel Berry crossed with MadTV’s Stuart. K.D. Lang heard it and was like “Damn Tony, did you lose my number?”
Here’s more of Tony Bennett looking like a Boca Raton mob boss and Lady Gaga looking like an extracted blackhead at the Today show this morning, as well as Gaga looking like a slutty genie the night before posing on the hood of someone’s car. Get off the car, trick! You ain’t no Kelly Bundy!
It seems like PETA always has a bee in their bonnet about something (“We’d never keep a bee prisoner in a bonnet, that’s animal cruelty” - The email I’m about to get from PETA) and this time they’re wagging a meatless chicken-style seitan finger at Lady Gaag for posting pictures of her dog Asia dressed up like a messy showgirl to Instagram. PETA released a statement to Us Weekly in response to the pictures showing Gaag’s French Bulldog looking totally over it while wearing clip-on earrings and necklaces:
“Lady Gaga may choose to decorate herself with elaborate and even uncomfortable outfits, but Asia doesn’t get to make that choice. Although it seems pretty clear that Lady Gaga loves Asia, we think Asia—and all dogs—are adorable without all the added flair. The best accessory for any dog is a comfortable, secure, well-fitting harness, which is perfect for long walks together.”
I know that dressing Asia up in Liz Taylor drag won’t make Sarah McLachlan and her elite squad of trained rescue dogs kick down the door to Gaag’s apartment and seize her pooch, or even force Asia to seek our a weekly support group for other dressed-up dogs hosted by Spuds MacKenzie. But I’m not entirely convinced Asia is into it? She’s definitely giving “kill me” eyes in that photo; probably because all that joo-rey gets in the way when she tries to lick on her own b-hole.
And if you ever wondered what it would look like if Princess Ozma left OZ, started living under a bridge with a group of glue-huffing runaways, traded her crown for a busted pair of Dwayne Wayne glasses, and took up being a professional attention whore, here’s Gaag strolling the streets of New York yesterday:
Lady CaCa once again proved that she’s the Master of Shit Decisions when she decided that it was a good idea to record a song called “Do What You U Want” with a well-known piece of turd predator who has done what he wants with the bodies of underage girls including emptying his piss bag on them. Wonderful decision #1! Then Lady CaCa really solidified herself as a Master of Shit Decisions when she decided that the best person to direct the video for a song she made with R. Kelly is another well-known piece of turd predator who has done what he wants with the bodies of models including dropping a curdled cum load on their faces. Wonderful decision #2! Wonderful decisions all around! Well, I guess you really have to hand it to Lady CaCa (and by “it” I mean a paddle to slap herself in the face with) for really going hard with the “Do What U Want With My Body” theme.
Page Six says that the video, which was shot in September, was supposed to come out in December, but then someone in CaCa’s camp with half a working brain cell realized that shitting out a video that looked like it was specifically made for the Roman Polanski demographic was not a good move. The video never came out and Lady CaCa blamed it on a tight schedule and bad management. But Page Six says that the video was arrested by Detective Olivia Benson and thrown into a jail cell where it belongs, because around the time that mess was supposed to assault our eyes, The Village Voice published another expose about R. Kelly’s child rape ways and more allegations of Uncle Terry’s acts of sexual assault foolery came out. Sources tell TMZ that CaCa had no idea about all the claims made against Uncle Terry and that sort of makes sense since her head is always shoved up her culo and she only knows about shit involving her. But please, bitch knew.
The clip that TMZ posted starts out with CaCa on a hospital bed and Dr. R. Kelly tells her that the medicine is about to kick in. Then she passes out and R. Kelly and a bunch of slutty nurses have a party on top of her passed out body. Page Six says that before CaCa passes out, Dr. R. Kelly tells her she’s going to get pregnant. The clip ends with CaCa hilariously dry humping a bunch of newspapers. Bitch looks like a strung out alley cat having a seizure on crumpled up newspapers behind a dumpster in a back alley. Print truly is dead! One of Page Six’s sources said this about the video:
“Gaga had a video directed by an alleged sexual predator, starring another sexual predator. With the theme, ‘I’m going to do whatever I want with your body?’ It was literally an ad for rape.”
That ILLEGAL ass gross video looks like a no-budget porn and it makes me want to point to the eyes on a doll and tell my therapist that’s where Lady CaCa violated me. But you know, I don’t understand this kind of HIGH ART, because I didn’t get an art degree from Lady CaCa’s Community College Of Raw Hardcore Edginess. I obviously don’t know what I’m talking about. I mean, some of the world’s biggest filmmakers loved it. Dlisted got these EXCLUSIVO reviews:
“I saw myself in it. A triumph!” – Roman Polanski
“An inspirational piece of art! Bravo!” – Woody Allen
“Needed more naked twinks, but other than that, it’s a masterpiece!” - Bryan Singer
And here’s CaCa looking like Nick Simmons in Detroit Rock City drag while going to get a tattoo in NYC yesterday.
I know, how dare I; Scarface’s glamorous sister would never leave the house looking like a dumpy Long Island party girl who trades sloppy hand jobs for $5 worth of speed and a ride to Burger King.
Proving once again that they’re the most brilliant con-artist of our time, Lady Gaag’s lazy-ass stylist pilfered a grimy wig and a shitty shirt from the bus station lost and found, grabbed a pair of fishnets and boots from under the bed, deemed it POST-MODERN HIGH-ART HOOKER, and dropped it off to Gaag in a Hefty bag with an invoice for $3000. And since Gaag still needs to hustle ARTPOP and that damn ARTPOP Magic 8 Ball Tour or whatever it’s called, she shook the cigarette butts and loose change from the wig and cut them a check.
Lady Gaag was spotted out in New York earlier today dressed like the skanky 1st grade teacher at my elementary school who always wore 4-inch white leather pumps and smoked du Maurier Avanti’s in her Trans Am in the parking lot. I’ll always remember her because one time she subbed in for our teacher and I asked her to help me spell something, and she told me to use a “magic squiggle”, which was literally just a fucking wiggly line. She probably invented it one night after attempting to write a fan letter to Tom Selleck and realizing she’d drank too many wine coolers (yes, this was the 80s, and yes, she probably tried to write the letter using one of these). Don’t get me wrong, she was alagant as hell, but she was also a busted mess.
Here’s more of Lady Gaag reminding us just how quickly one can run out of ideas by working some third-rate Rick James drag queen realness in New York earlier today.
Talk about the pot of plagiarism calling the copycat kettle black. After Katy Perry kicked off her Prismatic World Tour in Belfast, Ireland on Wednesday night, the general consensus from most people who saw the pictures from her first show was ‘California Guuurl you need to burn those peace sign bike shorts”. But not Lady Gaag. The Canal St. Madonna thought the picture of Katy Perry riding in on a human-operated horse costume looked a little too much like the time she rode a human-operated horse costume, so she went running to Twitter to hiss out this piece of passive-aggressive shade:
Then Lady Gaag bitchily slammed her locker shut and added: “Like, why is she so obsessed with me? Hashtag so over it.”
Lady Gaag didn’t invent dying your hair snot green and she sure as hell didn’t invent riding human-operated mechanical animals (War Horse would like you to have several seats) but Katy Perry might have ripped off Gaag’s paint barfing thing. I know, I cannot believe for a second I’m defending this tacky chump, but here we are. My apologies to everyone in Hell who had to throw on a winter coat. According to Buzzfeed, part of her Prismatic show involves a pre-recorded video of Katy Perry sticking her finger into her mouth and spitting up paint. Green paint. Kind of like the time professional paint-barf artist Millie Brown puked up green paint on Lady Gaga.
Maybe it’s just a coincidence that two boring try-hards are starting to run out of ideas? I don’t know. But I do know how we could solve this mess. After being asked by Byrd to step forward, Lady Gaga would enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin claiming that Katy Perry blatantly stole her paint barfing stunt. Katy Perry would enter claiming she had no previous knowledge and that she was counter-suing for slander. Then Judge Judy would walk in rolling her eyes, call them both idiots, throw out the case, and go back to her chambers to finish starching her lace collars.
The lawyers at Nickelodeon are no doubt busy drafting up some Cease-and-Desist letters this morning after seeing Lady Gaag performing at the first show of her SHARTPOOP tour dressed like a tacky gutterskank knock-off of Patti Mayonnaise from Doug (Yoga Jones is NOT amused). Besides, Macklemore did it first and did it better. Wait, so does this mean she’s ripping off Doug, or ripping off Macklemore ripping off Doug? I can’t keep up with Lady Gaag’s plagiarism.
On Sunday night, Gaag kicked off the first show of her artRAVE: The ARTPOP Ball tour in Fort Lauderdale, FL, and maybe she was just trying to blend in with her environment, but everything about the show was a MESS (no disrespect to Fort Lauderdale, the drunken hook-up baby of Daytona and Panama City Beach). The whole show was like a 90′s Nickelodeon nightmare threw up on a clearance bin at Uncle Discount’s Halloween Superstore. There’s budget, and then there’s Lady Gaag. All the costumes looked like they were recycled from another tour or stolen from the dumpster behind a Bangerz show. It’s as if her stylist was sick in the hospital with mono and had twenty minutes in between naps and episodes of Rugrats on Nick Reboot to throw some outfits together on the Fashion Plates they found in the children’s wing, then looked at the sketches and said “fuck it, I’ll just staple together some garbage from the craft store like I always do.”
I will say this about Lady Gaag’s SHARTPOOP tour: most of her looks were stolen straight from the 90s, and so for giving me a feeling of nostalgia, I’ll give her one small, barely audible clap. That’s right, Gaag didn’t stop at just Patti Mayonnaise. In what was one of the night’s truly shittiest, cheapest-looking costumes, she dressed up as a raver (maybe skip over those pictures, because they’ll give you a major case of the sads). Coming in a close second was the bodysuit that made her look like a fancy Pogo Ball. And finally, I don’t know how she does it, but that giant wig/seashell bra outfit makes her look like both Ren and Stimpy.
And I won’t even get into that bobo green Katy Perry wig, because talking about a pop star ripping off another pop star who rips off other pop stars will surely collapse the universe in on itself.
Wait…so you’re telling me Lady Gaag is a phony faker? Color me a shit-shade of shocked! According to Page Six, Gaag’s message of loving yourself just the way you are is a bunch of born this way bullshit, because she get’s final say over the pap shots that are released of her, and all of them get the Kardashian treatment (Dear Adobe: go ahead and change the name of Photoshop to Kardashian, since it’s pretty much just a tool to make vain whores look like expensive fuck dolls now).
An insider claims that at an event last week, photographers were told to “Smooth out her jaw line and thin her arm,” and “Smooth out and thin her legs”. And if they didn’t comply, Gaag threatened to sneak into their house in the middle of the night dressed like the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and kidnap their children (I guess?) Page Six also says that only one photographer, Kevin Mazur, had exclusive rights to shoot Gaag’s shows at the Roseland Ballroom, and that he claims his Photoshopping will be “very minimal”. Hahahahah! Good one, Kevin Mazur. Let me know the next time you’re at The Chuckle Hut, I’d love to hear your whole set. But seriously Kevin Mazur, using the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as an example, just how unbelievably fake will Gaag end up looking?
Here’s more of Gaag performing the final show at the Roseland Ballroom (which will now be known as the Rotten Rose and Weave Room until the day it’s demolished) as well as her arrival, and exit after the show. Maybe if the paps are feeling kind, they can also Photoshop Gaag’s wig to not look so much like Sigmund the Sea Monster (it’s not fair to Sigmund).
“Hello, Batman? It’s Commissioner Gordon. I’m calling to inform you of a new menace to Gotham City that goes by the name Lady Gaga. I need your help Batman; she’s super annoying and I don’t know what to do about it. Never have I seen someone so starved for attention. I mean, I get that she’s still trying to pimp out that damn album, but enough is enough; I haven’t stopped rolling my eyes in days, and I have a headache.”
Slow claps once again for Lady Gaag’s stylist, Peter Gibbons, who’s only working hard enough not to get fired. I see this time the inspiration for Gaag’s outfit was whatever DVDs were found laying around the apartment. Let me guess: it came down to Tim Burton’s Batman or March of the Penguins, but Hobby Lobby ran out of white feathers, so you went with Batman. Wow. Such art. Much styling.
Here’s more of Gaag arriving at the Roseland Ballroom for another concert dressed like Angie Jokerelli, The Joker’s wife if he was a New Jersey mob boss. I’ve also included some pictures of Gaag arriving home after a doctor’s appointment this morning, wearing one of Mrs. Roper’s caftans (YOU LEAVE THREE’S COMPANY ALONE) paired with a really beautiful hat/scarf combo. I sincerely hope we see more of that hat/scarf!
You can go ahead and tell your Nana her look is safe for now, because it appears Lady Gaag has moved on from ripping off the elderly and blanket-covered to narrowing in on just one Nana in particular: Nana Lohan, if she got a bit too drunk at dinner (“THERE’S NO SUCH THING” – Dina Lohan) and put on one of Lindsay’s good courtroom weaves. No, you’re right: Nana Lohan would never wear something so cheap (am I talking about the wig or that cheap-looking outfit? You decide).
Lady Gaag must have gotten the memo that the red rose pantyhose mess she wore last Friday night was a total piece of craft-covered FAIL, because she stepped out of her apartment in New York this morning looking like she gave at least a tablespoon more of a damn than she did on the weekend. Gaag didn’t mention what this look is called, but if I had to guess, it’s either ‘Late-in-life lesbian Lana Del Rey’ or ‘Jewish aunt from Long Island who buys whatever she sees Michelle Obama wear on Good Morning America’.
But don’t be fooled into thinking this is merely Gaag’s attempt at dressing normal. No, the Queen of Community College Art Classes is always making some kind of bobo statement about culture and art-culture or whatever. This costume is clearly meant to represent the futility of consumer ignorance in a post-modern, mall-obsessed culture. And it’s all part of a larger performance art piece where she approaches random people on the street, asking: “Have you seen the new cardigans at Ann Taylor? Shopping shopping shopping! It’s my cheat day; let’s go to The Cheesecake Factory! I just bought a new scented candle!”