I think it goes without saying that I just pictured Lady Gaga in a flannel shirt and a trucker hat screaming “DEY TOOK OUR JERBS!”
For the fourth time in her career, Professional Cool Mom Madonna has been chosen as the face of a Versace campaign, thus signing Lady Gaga’s walking papers. The Daily Mail doesn’t say why Gaga is gone after only one season as the vacant, Photoshopped to Mars and back face of Ver-sayce, but my guess is that Donatella Versace figured “Why use imitation Madonna when you can use the real thing?” and gave her the boot. Then again, maybe Donatella didn’t mean to replace Gaga with Madonna, she just wasn’t specific enough. “Breeng me the blonde pop star. You know, the one who sounds like Madonna. Now leave Donatella alone, Donatella needs to take nap.”
Speaking of the vaguely-human hand puppet, Donatella says she chose her friend Madonna for Versace’s SS15 campaign because she’s a “true icon”, with Madonna adding:
“It’s always exciting to be dressed head-to-toe in Versace and experience first-hand Donatella’s vivid imagination and passion that she has created for this collection.”
Vivid imagination? The hell? The entire campaign is shot in black and white against a grey backdrop. Someone better check Donatella for color blindness. Or maybe they had to shoot it in black and white because it was the only way they could add two tons of Photoshop to Madonna’s face and hands without drawing too much attention. Those hands! I’ve seen 2-month-old babies with more wrinkles on their hands.
But I will say that Madonna does look pretty hot. And in one of the shots, she also looks very itchy. And uncomfortable. Maybe Donatella was going for a post-modern yeast infection theme? Oooh, so artsy.
The last time we checked in on Lady Gaga, she was pledging her allegiance to her fans, the Little Monsters, by getting the severed hand of a witch suffering from a chronic case of eczema tattooed on her left shoulder. Because nothing says “I love you guys” like a rash-covered claw, right? Anyways, last night she decided to prove her love to the Little Monsters once again and got the words “Mother Monster” with some paisley swirls tattooed just below her armpit. Move over, rashy claw – you’re old news! Go join the 36 other tattoos floating randomly around Gaga’s body.
Just like last time, Gaga made sure to Instagram 4 million pictures of the whole thing, including a video featuring an extreme close-up of her stubble-covered armpit. I know armpits are normal and everybody has them, but good lord, are they ever gross when you get in that close. Seeing Gaga’s reminded me of the first time I tried to wax my own sub-basement and – you know what? I’m stopping there. Gaga’s armpit is already too much, I don’t need you dry heaving over my parts too.
And it’s great that Gaga got another tattoo for her fans, but did she really have to specify that she’s the Mother Monster? That would be like if Jimmy Buffett got a tattoo that said “Papa Parrothead“. The Parrotheads know who their leader is! I would assume the Little Monsters are the same.
Here’s Lady Gaga showing off her new armpit tattoo in some kind of Lisa Frank drug fart onesie while taking her dog for a walk in Manchester today, and then changing into something equally weird and adding a helmet:
Remember last week? When we thought it couldn’t get any worse than Drake getting a stupid emoji tattoo on his arm? Me too. I just got really bummed out all of a sudden.
Lady Gaga got a new tattoo yesterday, and in case you’re not sure what the hell you’re looking at, it’s the fucked-up looking double-jointed red goth witch claw thing on her left shoulder. Gaag showed off her newest future mistake by posting a picture to Instagram and tagged it with #monster4life, and I know that means she’s a Little Monster for life or whatever, but that’s a bit of a stretch. If anything, #monster4life more accurately describes that she’s got a picture of a monster’s severed hand on her body for the rest of her life. “Oh, so now you’re ripping us off too? TYPICAL!” – said every one-handed Monster.
I understand that Gaag doesn’t exactly have the best judgement when it comes to tattoos (see: what looks to be a deeply embarrassed Blinky Bill on her left elbow) but I still have no idea what the fuck is happening with that hand. After staring at it for a full 10 minutes (I know, I’m a dummy), here’s what I’ve gleaned from that thing: IT’S A MESS. Why are the fingers wrapped up like Asian pears? Why does the pinky look like an heirloom carrot? Is that a rosary or a bathtub drain chain that it’s holding?
But I do like that it looks like those three daisies are running away from it, like: “Oh shit, no thanks. We’ll be up near the busted DAD tattoo if you need us.”
Here’s more of Gaag getting one of Miss Evangeline Ernst’s hands tattooed on her body yesterday with her ass hanging out:
I don’t know who I feel more sorry for in this picture: Tony Bennett, who looks so confused as to why he’s being escorted around by a low-budget Cher, or that security guard who is doing everything in his power not to look at Lady Gaag’s busted titty shields. Nope, never mind – the person I feel most sorry for is the one made out of embroidery thread on the cross-stitch being handed to Gaag. That poor stitched person! You’re either going to end up hanging on a wall in Gaag’s house or being turned into a janky-ass art thong. I pray 4 u, cross-stitch.
Now, I’m not sure if the jazz album Lady Gaag and Tony Bennett made together, Cheek to Cheek, has a theme, but if this picture of the two of them leaving a concert in Belgium on Monday night is any indication, I’d guess that the theme is either “A older gentleman makes the mistake of ordering a hooker from the back of a weekly newspaper he found at the bus station” or “The lady is a tramp…literally“, because Lady Gaag looks like a damn discount call girl MESS!
Okay, sure – she’s at least upgraded her wig to something that doesn’t look like it was fished from the bottom of a trash can at the mall, and yes her makeup is on point (real talk), but what even is that dress??? I don’t even think what she’s wearing can technically be called a dress; it looks more like an organza table runner ripped from Aunt Sandy’s You Can’t Spell Funeral Without F-U-N! tablescape held up with two rubber bands. No to mention the only thing worse than flashing a titty is flashing a set of flying saucer-sized nipple covers. They’re literally the same size as the stickers I used to get at the dentist for having zero cavities.
But I can’t hate on that Mom Thong (“Mom Thongs – Thongs For Moms”) she’s wearing. Everything feels just a little bit classier when a pair of Sears satin-style no-line tummy-tamers make an appearance.
Madonna’s 13th studio album isn’t expected to be released till like, Christmas or 2016 or some shit (whenever she takes a break from Instagramming sexy memaw selfies in the bathroom, really), but the details of one track have already been leaked, and I’m sure it was totally by accident and not carefully choreographed, because Madonna would never pull such a cheap stunt to drum up publicity for an upcoming album. Never!
According to the Daily Mail, the cunty diss-hissing Madonna of days past makes a return during a song called “Two Steps Behind Me” (aka where the assistant who was hired solely to administer her daily Botox injections is at all times) which is rumored to be about unauthorized Madonna impersonator Lady Gaga. And just like Lady Gaga, the a sampling of the lyrics shows that “Two Steps Behind Me” is destined to be a busted mess:
“You’re a copycat, Where is my royalty? You’re a pretty girl, I’ll give you that. But stealing my recipe, it’s an ugly look.”
“Did you study me hard enough? You’re never gonna be, you’re just a wannabe me. Like a sister all messed-up, who’s gonna help you out? In your fantasy, you can try it all. But you can’t be me.”
“You can walk the walk, even talk the talk. But you’ll always be two steps behind me.”
Oh my god, I love bitchy Madonna as much as the next person, but this song sounds like it was written by Regina George coming out of a Kalteen Bar coma. NO! Regina George would be more creative than that! This is the song Kim Kardashian would write about the “haters” if she knew how to write. It’s so bad. But you know the video will be way worse, and I’m actually really excited about that. Madonna is about as subtle as a shit in a shoe, so the video will definitely have a low-budget Lady Gaga (“So a low-budget Madonna?” – You) spying on Madge with binoculars and tearing Vogue-era pictures of out of magazines and hanging them on her wall. It’s going to be a melodramatic middle school-looking disaster. I can’t wait!
Somebody call Wilford Brimley and tell him we’ve got a code red senior citizen situation on our hands! The toxic rug glue from Tony Bennett’s perfect salt-and-pepper pepaw hairpiece has seeped into his brain and dissolved the part that’s able to distinguish talent from hot messy bullshit. Either that, or Lady Gaga has some career-killing dirt on Tony Bennett and she’s blackmailing him with it. “Let me record a crappy album with you, or else the whole world will know that _____”. I can’t even think of what it might be, since the more embarrassing thing I can think of is working with Lady Gaga. Maybe getting diarrhea at Girl Scout camp (lemme hear you scream if you also couldn’t handle BBQ chips as a kid!)
Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga were on the Today show this morning to promote the soon-to-be-released album of jazz duets they recorded together called Cheek to Cheek (you know that tacky bitch probably wanted to call it Ass to Ass). They also teased the video for the first single off the album, a version of Cole Porter’s ”Anything Goes”. The video isn’t done yet (they’re still Photoshopping her jawline) but they’ve released the song online:
Obviously Tony Bennett sounds flawless. THE END. But then there’s Gaga. She sounds like a hyperactive musical theatre-obsessed kid named Kevin auditioning for his middle-school production of Peter Pan. It’s basically Glee’s Rachel Berry crossed with MadTV’s Stuart. K.D. Lang heard it and was like “Damn Tony, did you lose my number?”
Here’s more of Tony Bennett looking like a Boca Raton mob boss and Lady Gaga looking like an extracted blackhead at the Today show this morning, as well as Gaga looking like a slutty genie the night before posing on the hood of someone’s car. Get off the car, trick! You ain’t no Kelly Bundy!
It seems like PETA always has a bee in their bonnet about something (“We’d never keep a bee prisoner in a bonnet, that’s animal cruelty” - The email I’m about to get from PETA) and this time they’re wagging a meatless chicken-style seitan finger at Lady Gaag for posting pictures of her dog Asia dressed up like a messy showgirl to Instagram. PETA released a statement to Us Weekly in response to the pictures showing Gaag’s French Bulldog looking totally over it while wearing clip-on earrings and necklaces:
“Lady Gaga may choose to decorate herself with elaborate and even uncomfortable outfits, but Asia doesn’t get to make that choice. Although it seems pretty clear that Lady Gaga loves Asia, we think Asia—and all dogs—are adorable without all the added flair. The best accessory for any dog is a comfortable, secure, well-fitting harness, which is perfect for long walks together.”
I know that dressing Asia up in Liz Taylor drag won’t make Sarah McLachlan and her elite squad of trained rescue dogs kick down the door to Gaag’s apartment and seize her pooch, or even force Asia to seek our a weekly support group for other dressed-up dogs hosted by Spuds MacKenzie. But I’m not entirely convinced Asia is into it? She’s definitely giving “kill me” eyes in that photo; probably because all that joo-rey gets in the way when she tries to lick on her own b-hole.
And if you ever wondered what it would look like if Princess Ozma left OZ, started living under a bridge with a group of glue-huffing runaways, traded her crown for a busted pair of Dwayne Wayne glasses, and took up being a professional attention whore, here’s Gaag strolling the streets of New York yesterday:
Lady CaCa once again proved that she’s the Master of Shit Decisions when she decided that it was a good idea to record a song called “Do What You U Want” with a well-known piece of turd predator who has done what he wants with the bodies of underage girls including emptying his piss bag on them. Wonderful decision #1! Then Lady CaCa really solidified herself as a Master of Shit Decisions when she decided that the best person to direct the video for a song she made with R. Kelly is another well-known piece of turd predator who has done what he wants with the bodies of models including dropping a curdled cum load on their faces. Wonderful decision #2! Wonderful decisions all around! Well, I guess you really have to hand it to Lady CaCa (and by “it” I mean a paddle to slap herself in the face with) for really going hard with the “Do What U Want With My Body” theme.
Page Six says that the video, which was shot in September, was supposed to come out in December, but then someone in CaCa’s camp with half a working brain cell realized that shitting out a video that looked like it was specifically made for the Roman Polanski demographic was not a good move. The video never came out and Lady CaCa blamed it on a tight schedule and bad management. But Page Six says that the video was arrested by Detective Olivia Benson and thrown into a jail cell where it belongs, because around the time that mess was supposed to assault our eyes, The Village Voice published another expose about R. Kelly’s child rape ways and more allegations of Uncle Terry’s acts of sexual assault foolery came out. Sources tell TMZ that CaCa had no idea about all the claims made against Uncle Terry and that sort of makes sense since her head is always shoved up her culo and she only knows about shit involving her. But please, bitch knew.
The clip that TMZ posted starts out with CaCa on a hospital bed and Dr. R. Kelly tells her that the medicine is about to kick in. Then she passes out and R. Kelly and a bunch of slutty nurses have a party on top of her passed out body. Page Six says that before CaCa passes out, Dr. R. Kelly tells her she’s going to get pregnant. The clip ends with CaCa hilariously dry humping a bunch of newspapers. Bitch looks like a strung out alley cat having a seizure on crumpled up newspapers behind a dumpster in a back alley. Print truly is dead! One of Page Six’s sources said this about the video:
“Gaga had a video directed by an alleged sexual predator, starring another sexual predator. With the theme, ‘I’m going to do whatever I want with your body?’ It was literally an ad for rape.”
That ILLEGAL ass gross video looks like a no-budget porn and it makes me want to point to the eyes on a doll and tell my therapist that’s where Lady CaCa violated me. But you know, I don’t understand this kind of HIGH ART, because I didn’t get an art degree from Lady CaCa’s Community College Of Raw Hardcore Edginess. I obviously don’t know what I’m talking about. I mean, some of the world’s biggest filmmakers loved it. Dlisted got these EXCLUSIVO reviews:
“I saw myself in it. A triumph!” – Roman Polanski
“An inspirational piece of art! Bravo!” – Woody Allen
“Needed more naked twinks, but other than that, it’s a masterpiece!” - Bryan Singer
And here’s CaCa looking like Nick Simmons in Detroit Rock City drag while going to get a tattoo in NYC yesterday.
I know, how dare I; Scarface’s glamorous sister would never leave the house looking like a dumpy Long Island party girl who trades sloppy hand jobs for $5 worth of speed and a ride to Burger King.
Proving once again that they’re the most brilliant con-artist of our time, Lady Gaag’s lazy-ass stylist pilfered a grimy wig and a shitty shirt from the bus station lost and found, grabbed a pair of fishnets and boots from under the bed, deemed it POST-MODERN HIGH-ART HOOKER, and dropped it off to Gaag in a Hefty bag with an invoice for $3000. And since Gaag still needs to hustle ARTPOP and that damn ARTPOP Magic 8 Ball Tour or whatever it’s called, she shook the cigarette butts and loose change from the wig and cut them a check.
Lady Gaag was spotted out in New York earlier today dressed like the skanky 1st grade teacher at my elementary school who always wore 4-inch white leather pumps and smoked du Maurier Avanti’s in her Trans Am in the parking lot. I’ll always remember her because one time she subbed in for our teacher and I asked her to help me spell something, and she told me to use a “magic squiggle”, which was literally just a fucking wiggly line. She probably invented it one night after attempting to write a fan letter to Tom Selleck and realizing she’d drank too many wine coolers (yes, this was the 80s, and yes, she probably tried to write the letter using one of these). Don’t get me wrong, she was alagant as hell, but she was also a busted mess.
Here’s more of Lady Gaag reminding us just how quickly one can run out of ideas by working some third-rate Rick James drag queen realness in New York earlier today.
Talk about the pot of plagiarism calling the copycat kettle black. After Katy Perry kicked off her Prismatic World Tour in Belfast, Ireland on Wednesday night, the general consensus from most people who saw the pictures from her first show was ‘California Guuurl you need to burn those peace sign bike shorts”. But not Lady Gaag. The Canal St. Madonna thought the picture of Katy Perry riding in on a human-operated horse costume looked a little too much like the time she rode a human-operated horse costume, so she went running to Twitter to hiss out this piece of passive-aggressive shade:
Then Lady Gaag bitchily slammed her locker shut and added: “Like, why is she so obsessed with me? Hashtag so over it.”
Lady Gaag didn’t invent dying your hair snot green and she sure as hell didn’t invent riding human-operated mechanical animals (War Horse would like you to have several seats) but Katy Perry might have ripped off Gaag’s paint barfing thing. I know, I cannot believe for a second I’m defending this tacky chump, but here we are. My apologies to everyone in Hell who had to throw on a winter coat. According to Buzzfeed, part of her Prismatic show involves a pre-recorded video of Katy Perry sticking her finger into her mouth and spitting up paint. Green paint. Kind of like the time professional paint-barf artist Millie Brown puked up green paint on Lady Gaga.
Maybe it’s just a coincidence that two boring try-hards are starting to run out of ideas? I don’t know. But I do know how we could solve this mess. After being asked by Byrd to step forward, Lady Gaga would enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin claiming that Katy Perry blatantly stole her paint barfing stunt. Katy Perry would enter claiming she had no previous knowledge and that she was counter-suing for slander. Then Judge Judy would walk in rolling her eyes, call them both idiots, throw out the case, and go back to her chambers to finish starching her lace collars.