After lying to us all with a fake stadium free-fall at the Super Bowl and busting out a Grammys stage dive that was about as hardcore as a trust fall at a company retreat, Lady Gaga will most likely headline night two of the annual Gathering of the Hipster Douches in Indio, CA in April. Lady Gaga is replacing Beyonce who is too knocked up to perform. I don’t have a Bachelor’s Degree in stan wars, so I have no idea if the Beyhive and the Little Monsters are cool with each other, but if they’re not, then they better suck it up. Because the Beyhive has passes to Coachella and the Little Monsters would probably suck dick, felch, toss a salad, do ass-to-mouth and much more to get those passes.
Metallica and Lady Gaga performed together at the Grammys last night, but if you went by Laverne Cox’s introduction, Lady Gaga and Lady Gaga alone performed! While introducing their performance, Laverne totally forgot to say Metallica’s name. You had ONE job, Laverne! Laverne’s fuck-up was some foreshadowing shit. Laverne wasn’t the only one who forgot about Metallica. It seems like whoever was in charge of turning James Hetfield’s mic on forgot about them too.
Giving the world one of those sly smiles that says, “I’m fresh off a hot piece’s groin zone,” here comes Lady Gaga with the news that she’s moved on from hot Taylor Kinney. People reports that 30-year-old Gaga has made 48-year-old talent manager Christian Carino the new Gatekeeper and Keymaster of her little monster.
The “Joanne” singer is dating CAA talent agent Christian Carino, a source confirms exclusively to PEOPLE. On Jan. 28, the budding couple were spotted getting affectionate at a Kings of Leon concert, says an onlooker, and were spotting cuddling on the Super Bowl LI field over the weekend.
And here’s a pic of Joaquin Phoenix-looking Christian fucking Gaga’s cheek with his nose during rehearsals for the Super Bowl:
— People Magazine (@people) February 9, 2017
Christian used to date Lauren Cohan (aka Maggie from The Walking Dead) and his clients include Miley Cyrus, Xtina, Baby Boy Bieber, and J.Lo. Despite being extremely fame-adjacent, Christian has been able to maintain a low profile. For example: E! compiled a handy list of Christian’s Fun Factz and they include such gems as “likes music.” So, hats off to him for keeping thing so private.
I learned everything I know about relationships with talent agents by listening to Carrie Fisher‘s Wishful Drinking on tape, so celebrity + agent usually equals messy SCANDAL in my mind. But well, Gaga and Christian make sense. And am I the only one who read “Christian Carino” and had visions of Gaga dressing up as her dude alter ego Jo Calderone to get it on? Oh, it was just me? Okay.
Marketing geniuses have figured out that the only thing that can make football bearable for those of us who don’t give two or less shits is to use cute animals to entice us.
The Georgia Aquarium shot this bit featuring their aquatic friends showing their support for the Atlanta Falcons in today’s big Super Bowl game. I’ll be honest – I’d much rather watch otters, seals, porpoises and tropical fish (actually the fish don’t seem too enthused here) celebrate professional sports than be rendered anxious by Lady Gaga possibly hurtling to the ground after something goes wrong when she comes out of the roof of the stadium today. Good luck, Gaga.
Watch the Georgia Aquarium gang below.
CNBC says that the NFL is dropping $10 million on the budget for Lady Gaga’s halftime show. And that makes her halftime show the most expensive Super Bowl halftime show in history. Lady Gaga has a tendency to make any production budget look like a trip to Michael’s Crafts with a gift card and a coupon. But this time she might actually need all that money for her performance.
I figured there were only two options for performing a halftime show at the Super Bowl. You could either put on a legendary performance (see: Prince) or you could bring an end zone worth of top shelf fuckery (see: Katy Perry). Well, apparently you can also get political if you want to. We’re only finding this out because there was a rumor that 2017 halftime show performer Lady Gaga was told to keep her thoughts to herself.