For a second there, I thought “rockabilly trailer tramp with some Nashville sequins and a little gender mystery thrown in” was the designated look that Lady Gaga and her team slaved over for months to accompany the press blitz for her new album dropping.
Lady Gaga’s out there pimping her new album Joanne, which came out today, so you know what that means? It’s time for round 499 of the Gaga v. Madge bitch battle!
During a radio talk with Zane Lowe on Apple Music Beats 1 (via HuffPo), Lady Gaga’s absolute favorite subject, her being the Maxie to Madonna’s Barbie, came up and bitch didn’t like it all. Gaga looked so strained that I thought her new face was going to pop right off, fly across the table and hit Zane like a rubber pancake hitting the wall.
Lady Gaga recently spotted getting bullshit over her Jeep breaking down in the desert and staging a mini-Coachella in response, looks to be locked-in to run the halftime show during Super Bowl 51. I realize the costumes will be as out there as humanly possible. We’ll probably be able to see whatever she wears from space. But please, Stefani, keep the demin panties at home. While
enduring watching the epilepsy-taunting vid for Perfect Illusion, I kept thinking I saw gap and it wasn’t the kind we know as “thigh.”
America’s unofficial cheerleader Taylor Swift totally just read that and developed an aggressive eye twitch. “Oh, so they’re probably going with a blonde pop star who isn’t me? Okay. Cool cool cool. This is fine, I’m fine. Someone get me a gosh-darn strawberry wine cooler NOW.” According to Billboard, there’s a very good chance that Lady Gaga will let out her art school vocals while wearing Discount Costume Warehouse couture on Super Bowl Sunday.
And as always, there’s two dudes saying everything you want to say with their faces…….
Lady Gaga queefed up her first solo single in three years last night, and when I first heard it, I had to double check to see if it was a cover. Because I could’ve sworn I heard it before during a montage scene in a straight-to-VHS movie about magicians from the late-80s. It also sounds like the opening theme song of a low-budget MacGyver knock-off that starred Greg Evigan and was canceled after 2 episodes.
Perfect Illusion was written and produced by Gaga, Mark Ronson, Kevin Parker of Tame Impala and BloodPop. (which yes, sounds like what a chick gets when she jacks off with a popsicle while on her period.) It sounds like so many things to me. I hear “a second-rate Stevie Nicks impersonator pinching her nose and doing a Count Chocula accent while singing a Hannah Montana B-side.” I also hear a touch of Kelly Osbourne’s cover of Papa Don’t Preach. (Here we go again!)
Some (the Little Monsters who’d worship it if it was nothing but a 3-minute loop of Gaga’s auto-tuned fart) love it and some hate it. It’s 80s-ish, so I don’t hate it. But I don’t luuuuuuuuuuuuh-aaaaahv it either. Okay, I hate it now, because it’s obviously stuck in my head.
And on a nice note (don’t get used to that), I do luuuuuuuh-aaaaaaav the “90s lot lizard wearing a crop top made by Reynolds Wrap” look that Lady Gaga worked in London today.
It feels like I was slapped in the face with casting news after casting news today, and sadly for me, none of the news is about how Hollywood is doing something right for once by making an all-gay reboot of Showgirls called Showgays starring Matt Boner and Cheyenne Jackson. I’ve lumped up all the news into one post and it works because every one of these projects has the potential to be a big, sloppy, gay mess or just a big, sloppy mess.