Yesterday morning, Lake Michigan was filled with more shriveled-up dicks and frostbitten pussies than an orgy in an igloo when a bunch of brave bitches gladly froze their nipples off in the name of charity. The Chicago Tribune says that almost 5,000 people did the Polar Plunge into Lake Michigan in Chicago to raise money for the Special Olympics. They set a record yesterday by raising $1.5 million in just one day. Two of the people who risked pneumonia of the ass lips for charity were hot piece Taylor Kinney (no comment on his douchey back tattoo which belongs on the side of a van) and Lady Gaga who looked like Snow Miser in bad drag thanks to that frozen wig.
The Chicago Tribune said that the Special Olympics knew that Taylor, his Chicago Fire cast mates and Vince Vaughn were going to jump into that ice cold slushie, but they didn’t know that Lady CaCa was going to do it until minutes beforehand:
“She’s pure heart,” said Casey Hogan, president of Special Olympics Chicago and its fundraising arm Special Children’s Charities. “She came out for the cause — low-key, no press. It doesn’t get any better than that.”
The only reason to dip into icy waters is if it’s for charity, you’re getting paid thousands of dollars to do it, that necklace from Titanic is at the bottom or a topless Taylor Kinney grabs your hand and leads you into it. Below is video of the Polar Plunge. Keep a blow dryer nearby, because watching it may put icicles on your eyelashes.
All those people are cold, confused, wet and covered in ice…. Now they know how every baby who was pulled out of Nicole Kidman feels.
Oh, to be a paramedic in Chicago yesterday. As soon as Taylor Kinney came out of that icy lake, I’d grab his hand, push Gaga aside and tell him that his peen is in danger of catching hypothermia and I must save it by doing mouth-to-mouth while warming it up with my hands.
Pics: Getty, Splash/INF
This does make sense since bitch already has the costumes, makeup, eyebrow wigs, etc….
Both FX and Lady CaCa announced today that she will star in the fifth season of American Horror Story (not to be confused with American Whorror Story starring the Kardashians on E!). This is kind of shocking, because based on Shonda Rhimes’ glowing review of CaCa’s Oscar performance, you’d think she’d make her television acting debut in Scandal. Actually, I shouldn’t say “television acting debut,” because she did play the pivotal role of “girl at swimming pool #2″ in an episode of The Sopranos.
The fifth season is titled American Horror Story: Hotel and it’s rumored that it’ll take place in Nevada. That mess will start shooting in July and splatter against our TV screens in October. Jessica Lange already said that AHS: Freak Show may be her last, so there’s a chance she will not be back for season 5. No, Jessica Lange and all CaCa? That means there will be 10,000% more musical numbers. That IS a horror story. I am all for this idea if Connie Sellecca recreates her role as Christine from Hotel for this shit.
Here’s the announcement that CaCa made using a leftover costume from her Fame Monster days:
— Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) February 25, 2015
If Ryan Murphy really wants to make the most terrifying AHS of all-time, he’d scrap the hotel idea and do American Horror Story: Mentions instead. All he has to do is talk shit about Lady Gaga on Twitter and film his mentions in real-time. There’s nothing scarier than watching the batshit Little Monsters spew death threats and craziness on Twitter.
Lady CaCa sang a Sound of Music medley while wearing a bunch of clear trash bags at the Oscars tonight and I didn’t hate it… I actually kind of liked it. When she opened her mouth, I said, “Damn, she sounds good,” out loud. Is this the first stage of becoming a fucking Little Monster?! Quick! Quick! Somebody call a priest and stop this CaCa-loving demon inside of me before it grows more. But you know, I was expecting her to go full Gaga at one point. I thought Julie Andrews was going to come out and barf out red paint all over her as nuns in black latex bikinis fake fucked dancers in Nazi uniforms in the background. She probably pitched that to the Oscar producers.
Those gloves on the other hand. I don’t know whether she was about to do all the dishes or give a bull a prostate exam.
UsWeekly says that after dating for close to four years, come-to-life last-minute art school project Lady Gaga and her hot pretend fireman boyfriend Taylor Kinney are engaged. According to Times Herald-Record editor Barry Lewis, Taylor proposed to Gaga on Valentine’s Day and they celebrated their engagement by going to dinner at her father’s restaurant, Joanne Trattoria (how very subtle of you, Gaga).
Since Lady Gaga is the fame whore to end all fame whores, I assumed she’d have posted at least 13 half-naked engagement ring selfies to Instagram by now, but so far she’s only posted one, and there’s not a single tit or ass cheek in sight:
But there is a giant-ass tacky ring. What the hell kind of high school gumball machine heart-shaped promise ring foolery is this? I’m sure that diamond costs more than my face, but it sort of screams: “He went to Jared…and then realized he didn’t have enough money, so he stole something from Walmart”. It looks like a fancied-up version of the ring that came with a bottle of Hard Candy nail polish. Then again, it’s Lady Gaga, so a heart-shaped diamond is a surprisingly tasteful choice, considering it was probably a toss-up between that, or a single anal bead set in a tied-off condom filled with spider jizz and dipped in 24K gold.
I know I’m supposed to think it’s super romantic that Taylor proposed on Valentine’s Day with a heart-shaped ring, but that shit is cheesy as hell. The only way it could have been any cheesier is if Taylor had tied the ring around the neck of a giant stuffed gorilla or hid it in a molten chocolate lava cake. Why do I get the feeling that somewhere in New York, a jeweler is cleaning chocolate goo out of that ring?
I’m not sure what the inspiration behind Charli XCX’s Grammys outfit was, but I like to imagine that her stylist was going for ‘former Party Down employee who was fired for getting stoned and falling asleep on a pile of fur coats at a graduation party for Leonard Stiltskin’s daughter‘ sort of thing. She’s like the accidental hot tub baby of Roman and Bobbie St. Brown. She also kind of reminds me of a baby model from the baby formal wear page of a Sears catalog. You know, the one where all the babies look like tiny aspiring dinner theater magicians?
But if I have to be totally honest, that baby pink mink stole would have looked so much hotter paired with a floor-length crystal-studded Bob Mackie gown. Yes, I know that it’s no longer 1979 and not everyone can be Cher or Morgan Fairchild, but what ever happened to serving up show-stopping glitz n’ glamour at the Grammys? I understand that not everyone can handle the responsibility that comes along with walking the red carpet in some top-shelf crystal-covered eleganza, but at least they could try. It’s truly a dark day when only ONE person was brave enough to pull out all the stops (no, literally – there’s definitely a construction site missing its caution markers) and arrive working some old school beauty pageant glamour.
Here’s more of Charli XCX, as well as the rest of the dull, unpolished rhinestones that rolled down the Grammy red carpet last night, including an escort-looking Lady Gaga, Kelly Osbourne in Dame Edna drag, Katy Perry in Kelly Osbourne drag, and John Mayer making me completely ashamed to say I totally would:
Seen above during one of her weekly virgin blood-flavored fluoride tray treatments, perpetually horny singing memaw Madonna is still pissed that the tracks from her upcoming album Rebel Heart keep leaking onto the internet. And this time she’s double pissed, because she hates that people think the most recently leaked track, “Two Steps Behind”, sounds an awful lot like she’s dragging Lady Gaga. Even though it was rumored way back in August that “Two Steps Behind” is a not-so-subtle swipe at her unauthorized low-budget impersonator, and the fact that the lyrics sound like something the runner-up in a Miss Teen Talent pageant would find scrawled on her dressing room mirror, Madonna wants you to know IT’S NOT ABOUT GAGA!
According to Billboard, Madonna’s manager Guy Oseary decided to do a Q&A on Twitter yesterday, and naturally one of the question asked was whether or not “Two Steps Behind” was about Gaga. Guy was adamant that it was NOT about Gaga (or anyone in particular). Shortly after, Madonna followed up Guy’s answer with her own on Instagram, where she hissed at all the troublemaking gossips trying to start shit between Madonna and Madonna Jr.
You might still be able to listen to “Two Steps Behind” in some small secret corners of the internet, but as of right now, Madonna’s maybe/maybe not love letter to Gaga is getting yanked from all the obvious places. But if you really, REALLY want to know what it sounds like, throw on Regina George’s monologue about Janis Ian and set it to a digital pop beat – I’m sure it’s pretty close to the real thing.
And for those of you thinking “Well, at least Lady Gaga had the good sense to not get involved in this mess“, sorry – but Lady Gaga decided to get involved in this mess. Sort of. Shortly after “Two Steps Behind” leaked, Gaga posted an Instagram selfie with the caption: “Careful witch, I’ll put a spell on you. Or maybe I already did.” Hopefully it wasn’t the same spell she cast on herself before the release of ARTPOP, or Madonna’s really in trouble!
I think it goes without saying that I just pictured Lady Gaga in a flannel shirt and a trucker hat screaming “DEY TOOK OUR JERBS!”
For the fourth time in her career, Professional Cool Mom Madonna has been chosen as the face of a Versace campaign, thus signing Lady Gaga’s walking papers. The Daily Mail doesn’t say why Gaga is gone after only one season as the vacant, Photoshopped to Mars and back face of Ver-sayce, but my guess is that Donatella Versace figured “Why use imitation Madonna when you can use the real thing?” and gave her the boot. Then again, maybe Donatella didn’t mean to replace Gaga with Madonna, she just wasn’t specific enough. “Breeng me the blonde pop star. You know, the one who sounds like Madonna. Now leave Donatella alone, Donatella needs to take nap.”
Speaking of the vaguely-human hand puppet, Donatella says she chose her friend Madonna for Versace’s SS15 campaign because she’s a “true icon”, with Madonna adding:
“It’s always exciting to be dressed head-to-toe in Versace and experience first-hand Donatella’s vivid imagination and passion that she has created for this collection.”
Vivid imagination? The hell? The entire campaign is shot in black and white against a grey backdrop. Someone better check Donatella for color blindness. Or maybe they had to shoot it in black and white because it was the only way they could add two tons of Photoshop to Madonna’s face and hands without drawing too much attention. Those hands! I’ve seen 2-month-old babies with more wrinkles on their hands.
But I will say that Madonna does look pretty hot. And in one of the shots, she also looks very itchy. And uncomfortable. Maybe Donatella was going for a post-modern yeast infection theme? Oooh, so artsy.
The last time we checked in on Lady Gaga, she was pledging her allegiance to her fans, the Little Monsters, by getting the severed hand of a witch suffering from a chronic case of eczema tattooed on her left shoulder. Because nothing says “I love you guys” like a rash-covered claw, right? Anyways, last night she decided to prove her love to the Little Monsters once again and got the words “Mother Monster” with some paisley swirls tattooed just below her armpit. Move over, rashy claw – you’re old news! Go join the 36 other tattoos floating randomly around Gaga’s body.
Just like last time, Gaga made sure to Instagram 4 million pictures of the whole thing, including a video featuring an extreme close-up of her stubble-covered armpit. I know armpits are normal and everybody has them, but good lord, are they ever gross when you get in that close. Seeing Gaga’s reminded me of the first time I tried to wax my own sub-basement and – you know what? I’m stopping there. Gaga’s armpit is already too much, I don’t need you dry heaving over my parts too.
And it’s great that Gaga got another tattoo for her fans, but did she really have to specify that she’s the Mother Monster? That would be like if Jimmy Buffett got a tattoo that said “Papa Parrothead“. The Parrotheads know who their leader is! I would assume the Little Monsters are the same.
Here’s Lady Gaga showing off her new armpit tattoo in some kind of Lisa Frank drug fart onesie while taking her dog for a walk in Manchester today, and then changing into something equally weird and adding a helmet:
Remember last week? When we thought it couldn’t get any worse than Drake getting a stupid emoji tattoo on his arm? Me too. I just got really bummed out all of a sudden.
Lady Gaga got a new tattoo yesterday, and in case you’re not sure what the hell you’re looking at, it’s the fucked-up looking double-jointed red goth witch claw thing on her left shoulder. Gaag showed off her newest future mistake by posting a picture to Instagram and tagged it with #monster4life, and I know that means she’s a Little Monster for life or whatever, but that’s a bit of a stretch. If anything, #monster4life more accurately describes that she’s got a picture of a monster’s severed hand on her body for the rest of her life. “Oh, so now you’re ripping us off too? TYPICAL!” – said every one-handed Monster.
I understand that Gaag doesn’t exactly have the best judgement when it comes to tattoos (see: what looks to be a deeply embarrassed Blinky Bill on her left elbow) but I still have no idea what the fuck is happening with that hand. After staring at it for a full 10 minutes (I know, I’m a dummy), here’s what I’ve gleaned from that thing: IT’S A MESS. Why are the fingers wrapped up like Asian pears? Why does the pinky look like an heirloom carrot? Is that a rosary or a bathtub drain chain that it’s holding?
But I do like that it looks like those three daisies are running away from it, like: “Oh shit, no thanks. We’ll be up near the busted DAD tattoo if you need us.”
Here’s more of Gaag getting one of Miss Evangeline Ernst’s hands tattooed on her body yesterday with her ass hanging out:
I don’t know who I feel more sorry for in this picture: Tony Bennett, who looks so confused as to why he’s being escorted around by a low-budget Cher, or that security guard who is doing everything in his power not to look at Lady Gaag’s busted titty shields. Nope, never mind – the person I feel most sorry for is the one made out of embroidery thread on the cross-stitch being handed to Gaag. That poor stitched person! You’re either going to end up hanging on a wall in Gaag’s house or being turned into a janky-ass art thong. I pray 4 u, cross-stitch.
Now, I’m not sure if the jazz album Lady Gaag and Tony Bennett made together, Cheek to Cheek, has a theme, but if this picture of the two of them leaving a concert in Belgium on Monday night is any indication, I’d guess that the theme is either “A older gentleman makes the mistake of ordering a hooker from the back of a weekly newspaper he found at the bus station” or “The lady is a tramp…literally“, because Lady Gaag looks like a damn discount call girl MESS!
Okay, sure – she’s at least upgraded her wig to something that doesn’t look like it was fished from the bottom of a trash can at the mall, and yes her makeup is on point (real talk), but what even is that dress??? I don’t even think what she’s wearing can technically be called a dress; it looks more like an organza table runner ripped from Aunt Sandy’s You Can’t Spell Funeral Without F-U-N! tablescape held up with two rubber bands. No to mention the only thing worse than flashing a titty is flashing a set of flying saucer-sized nipple covers. They’re literally the same size as the stickers I used to get at the dentist for having zero cavities.
But I can’t hate on that Mom Thong (“Mom Thongs – Thongs For Moms”) she’s wearing. Everything feels just a little bit classier when a pair of Sears satin-style no-line tummy-tamers make an appearance.