I should clarify; that makes it sound like Ronda Rousey was like “I want to celebrate a fight well fought by taking a trip to the hospital. Maybe they’ll give me a tour of the X-ray room?” No, Ronda Rousey took the way less fun kind of trip to the hospital.
So last night, full-time MMA fighter and part-time Floyd Mayweather Jr. dragger Ronda Rousey fought another MMA fighter named Holly Holm in Australia. From what I know about MMA fighting (ie: what I learned from the 1985 film Gymkata), it is my understanding that Ronda Rousey is good at her job. Well, nobody’s good at their job all the time, and according to TMZ, she got knocked the fuck out in the second round. Unfortunately, it was the kind of knockout that made everyone start whispering “shit shit shit, she has travel insurance, right?“, and about two seconds after they rang the bell, an ambulance hauled Ronda Rousey’s ass to the hospital.
TMZ says Ronda didn’t speak to the press after the fight, but a rep for UFC released a statement on her behalf saying that she was taken to the hospital as a precautionary measure. TMZ says Ronda didn’t have a concussion, but she had a huge gash in the middle of her lip and she was kept overnight in the hospital. They also have some pictures (not safe for people who get the heaves at the sight of blood) of Ronda Rousey’s busted face, if that’s something you want to see.
Now let’s add a layer off random to this story, shall we? Shortly after Ronda was knocked out, Lady Gaga grabbed her disco stick and started poking at Ronda on Instagram.
Here’s Ronda Rousey and Holly Holm (whose names totally sound like they were created by Stan Lee) a few days before their fight at an open training session in Melbourne.
Ukelette Doily, Sassafras Anjou, Winnifred Clementine and Dew Drop Paper Rose are just a few of the names I guessed Etsy yarn doll Zooey Deschanel would name the bundle of baby she gave birth to in Austin, TX a few months ago. Sadly, Zooey and her hipster husband Jacob Pechenik didn’t go with any of those names, but they gave their baby daughter a name that puts the twee in twee. These two are otter their minds (the gong is in the shop so you can’t GONG me this time), because they named their daughter the adorkable name of Elsie Otter. Elsie. Otter.
I really, really hope that Grace Jones’ “Reading These Hos Tour” never ever ends, because her beautiful words wrapped in pure bitchiness never fail to take me up, up and away and when I read her interviews I know how Jesus’ apostles felt when he spoke to them. In her memoirs, I Will Never Write My Memoirs, Grace Jones lines up many pop trick of today and slaps them down for copying her. While promoting her memoirs, Grace also slapped down Kanye West for jacking ideas from her and said that he’ll get a face full of her if they ever cross paths. Well, now it’s Lady CaCa’s turn to feel the wrath of Grace again.
The Church of Grace Jones held another sermon with The New York Times and although it didn’t lift my soul to the heavens the way that excerpt from her memoirs did, it still did me right. While lounging in a robe with a mimosa in her hand, the forever legendary Grace Jones pimped out her memoirs “I’ll Never Write My Memoirs” during an interview with The New York Times and she continued to let the music hos of today know that she sees them copying her and is going to do something about it if she sees them out. Grace tells the Times that Kanye West copied something she did in the past and used it in a video. Grace didn’t say what video, but she did say these simple fightin’ words:
“When I see him, honestly, I’m going to get in his face.”
Okay, so now all we have to do is find a way to get Grace Jones and Kanye West into a room together and we have to make sure that there’s plenty of seats for us all. Oh, and we definitely need a popcorn machine and plastic ponchos to protect our clothes from the bits of Kanye that will fly all over the room when she destroys him with her bare hands. And I’m sure Kanye will fight back by saying that Grace Jones used that funny-looking helmet to time travel to the future where she watched his video before time-traveling back to the past where she used his ideas for one of her projects. So Kanye West didn’t copy Grace Jones, Grace Jones copied Kanye West!!!
Andy Samberg’s tiny-voiced wife Joanna Newsom is sort of known for having a “fuck it, I wear what I want” attitude when it comes to red carpet clothes. Which is great, because, fuck it – wear what you want. And last night was no exception. Obviously the WTF Award went to Heidi Klum and whatever the hell she was wearing, but Joanna came pretty close.
Joanna’s look is sort of a mix between “accident at the Mattel factory involving a Pink n’ Pretty dining room set” and “fancy new money jellyfish“, and I don’t hate it. She looks like what I imagine Miss Piggy’s powder room looks like; just tons of random fabric and shit covered in gems. Also, if you squint a little, her dress sort of looks like a penis with a wart on the tip. Just me? Okay.
Other than Joanna, not many other famous types brought the messy eleganza. Probably because they knew it was going to be so hot, and they just couldn’t be bothered. That, or they knew no matter how foolish they tried to look, they’d be no match for Alan Cumming and his dress CROCS.
Regardless, here’s a bunch of other dresses from last night. And pants! A bunch of ladies wore pants. I don’t really blame them; it’s a lot easier to run back and forth to the bar during commercials if you don’t have to pull 30 lbs of fabric along with you.
Scientologists don’t believe in Heaven or Hell, but I bet John Travolta secretly hopes that if L. Ron Hubbard is wrong about that and the afterworld does exist, his Heaven will look a lot like that picture above.
John Travolta hung out with Barbra Streisand and Lady CaCa at Babs’ house this past weekend and if you threw in a naked Puerto Rican massage therapist and the world’s best wig maker into that little party, you’d have John Travolta’s complete list of 4 living people he wants to have dinner with. Ryan Murphy, James Brolin and Kelly Preston were also at the dinner, but I doubt John Travolta noticed them, because he was too busy busting into a full-body orgasm while singing the “Donna Summer part” in “Enough is Enough” with Babs. Babs Instagrammed the picture above with this little caption:
A wonderful evening at home. (L-R). Ryan Murphy. @ladygaga. John Travolta. @barbrastreisand. Kelly Preston. Jim Brolin.
John Travolta obviously used the OT powers he learned from Scientology to control himself while that picture was being taken, because I’m sure his butt thetans were quivering from being that close to his idol! Barbra must also get Botox injections in her back. That’s the only explanation I have for her not feeling John Travolta’s boner of excitement poking at her.
CaCa also Instagrammed a picture from her dinner with Babs:
I’m sure that 2 seconds after that picture was taken, John Travolta grabbed Lady CaCa’s wig, pulled her out of that scene and took her place. As he should!
And here’s CaCa shooting American Horror Story: Hotel in L.A. last week.
Pics: Instagram, Splash
I’m completely reading into something Ryan Murphy said in an interview with Deadline. As far as Jessica Lange is concerned, woman is done and Lady Gaga’s moving into American Horror Story Hotel. But there are dreams, we can have dreams. I can’t…can’t…reconcile ConstanceJudeFionaElsa being replaced with Gaga as a downtrodden chambermaid or the lifeguard. It’s just not right. I think I’d rather Madge check in and trip over balloons while accompanied by half-hearted cameo overlays from Beyonce and Miley. Anyway, what he said to fill us with false hope:
“Well, all I can say about that never say never with Jessica. She and I are doing something else right now. I’m producing a production of A Long Day’s Journey Into Night, that is one of her dream roles. She’s done it before and she wanted to do it again and I got the rights for her, we’re going to do that on Broadway. So we’re working again together, and I think if I went to Jessica and I had an amazing role, I think she would do it. I think she wanted some time off, but Jessica is somebody that is always about the role, in every season on this show.”
Considering the Casual Female XL shade that Jessica and her complete and total lack of fucks cast when asked about Gaga’s chances of success in replacing her, I wouldn’t bank on her ringing that front desk bell.
There is good news, though. Denis O’Hare (Burned Guy, necrobutler Spaulding, the con dude with the huge dick that they turned into a chicken last season) is back, as is Finn Wittrock. Dandy was an irritating-as-fuck character, but Finn Wittrock’s buttocks were not. So there’s that. (OH GOD, PLEASE COME BACK, JESSICA LANGE!)
Oh, and The Daily Beast asked Jessica about the aforementioned verbal bored wave she gave Gaga. Follow the jump for a master class in how to avoid answering a question until the bitter end (as well as more pics of Gaga).
I know, I shouldn’t be giving any of those evil Hollywood whores ideas, because the world has been though enough and we don’t need a Hocus Pocus reboot starring these three.
We all know that Madge and Lady CaCa have been tugging at each other’s wigs for a while and I guess Lady CaCa once tugged at Katy Perry’s, but last night they stopped shanking at each other for the sake of Instagram likes. Katy Perry (who wore a Pimp Mama Kris wig, now available in a clearance bin at Sears), Madonna and Lady CaCa (who from the neck up looks like an eyebrow-challenged Anne Boleyn) were all at the annual Look At Me Gala last night and they formed the Trifecta of Thirst by hugging on each other for a picture. Not pictured: The luminous Cher rolling her eyes at these STUNT QUEENS.
Madge posted the picture on her Instagram and added the caption:
Girls night out………. Kissing the Ring……..Finally! #metball
This is Madge we’re talking about, so by “kissing the ring,” she obviously means that those two lessers Katy and Gaga are finally paying their respects to the Godmother of Pop. Speaking of kissing the ring, designer Jeremy Scott of Moschino did just that on the red carpet:
Jeremy designed Madge’s look and by “designed” I mean spray painted the name of her album on a black dress and a vampire cape from Party City. If you’re going to steal Macy Gray’s iconic shameless promo gown, then at least do it right and add some sparkles and also put a discount code to use on iTunes.
Katy and Madge showed up to the Met Gala together, because they both wore Moschino. I figured that if anybody was going to take the theme “China: Through The Looking Glass” and run it through the cultural appropriation machine before bedazzling it, it would be Katy Perry. I really thought Katy Perry was going to show up in a neon rickshaw with a rhinestone-encrusted rice hat on her head, chopsticks sticking out of her b-hole, sequined Chinese takeout boxes over her tits, high-heeled Pearl River slippers on her feet and a giant fortune cookie on her crotch. Anyone who opened up her fortune cookie would pull out a fortune that read: “I predict that you will read a 10,000 word think piece about this outfit tomorrow.” But instead she showed up looking like the videos for “Open Your Heart“ and “Opposites Attract” crashed into her at the same time.
Here’s pictures of legendary Cher, Madge, Katy Perry, Gaga and John Mayer (who apparently kissed on Katy at an after-party. ICK NAST). And has anybody seen Drake lately? Does he look like an abuelo? Because it looks like Madge really did suck the youth out of him. She looks downright fetus-ey in the face.
The other day when I posted some shit about how Jessica Lange confirmed that yup, she’s done with American Horror Story for now and won’t be checking into Hotel, I mentioned that she was asked about Lady CaCa and it seemed like the temperature in the room dropped a few degrees when the Supreme played the Internet’s favorite sport: shade throwing. The video of that moment is finally here. If you’re feeling a little weak and rundown, just put your hand on the screen after pressing play to get some life in you.
When Jessica Lange was asked, “Does Lady Gaga convince you to stay another season,” she paused for a minute and asked, “What does that mean? I don’t understand the question,” before she rolled her head and smiled to let a trick know to keep it moving. The video may auto-play, so it’s after the cut. Bask in the greatness of Jessica Lange:
“As an artist who respects creative integrity and intellectual property, I am disgusted at how much you have copied my husband from the hair to the suit. Do you not have any value or respect for originality? You’re a laughing stock. It’s cheesy. It’s disgusting.” – Natalia Kills while looking at that picture of Matt Boner in a black suit
During the panel for American Horror Story: Freak Show at PaleyFest last night, Jessica Lange confirmed what everyone has pretty much known for months. Just like she did with Lea Whatever, she’s walking straight past AHS: Hotel and moving on to something else. She probably knows that if she signs up for AHS: Hotel, she’ll sprain her eye rolling muscle from constantly rolling her eyeballs at Lady CaCa chewing the scenery more than her.
“Yes, I’m done. We’ve had a great run here. I mean, I absolutely love doing these four characters, and in all the madness, I love the writers and Ryan (Murphy) and the insanity of shooting it.”
When someone in the audience asked Jessica Lange if Lady CaCa joining the cast makes her want to come back for another season, she responded with what I’m taking as beautiful, beautiful shade. She said, “What does that mean?”
AHS’ executive producer Tim Minear said that Matt Bomer, who played a hot gay hustler in AHS: Freak Show, is going to be the male lead in Hotel. Cheyenne Jackson has also signed on. Denis O’Hare and Kathy Bates may be back.
Finding out that Lady CaCa is pretty much replacing Jessica Lange in AHS made me scream in terror like I was trapped in a knotty pine cabin. But I will forgive Ryan Murphy for this is AHS: Hotel is about two gay nymphomaniacs (Boner and Cheyenne) who own a failing bed and breakfast that’s failing because they just fuck all day and never come downstairs to check in guests. The “horror” part comes in when they run out of lube. Lady CaCa can play a mute maid.