Every Super Bowl is pretty damn gay, but Super Bowl 50 is super, super gay. Like always, we’ve got muscle queens in satin leggings playing with balls and pounding each other’s asses hard, and this year we’ve also got Lady Gaga opening this shit up and Beyonce doing the halftime show. They should’ve went all the way by bringing Richard Simmons out of retirement to be one of the team’s head cheerleader.
Anyway, Lady CaCa yodeled out “The National Anthem” at the beginning of the Super Smoke A Bowl today and nearly half of the hos on my Twitter timeline were screaming, “Bitch can sing her face off!” Well, I do think she sang her face off in rehearsals, because she was wearing a totally different one during the actual performance. I didn’t mind, though, because she looked like a mash-up of Effie Trinket as a 70s pimp and a Thundercat going to a Fourth of July party at Studio 54.
And as for her performance, she laid it on thick and brought all the extras. Kanye West’s ass was probably stuck to the screen the whole time because Lady Gaga kept waving her finger around.
I was aaaaaaaaalmost with CaCa until that chest bump. Celine Dion’s husband and brother just died and Gaga does her wrong by stealing her trademark move on a Sunday? Jail Gaga for that!
Earlier I said that everything’s coming up CaCa, because she’s doing the Oscars and the David Bowie tribute at the Grammys. Well, add the Super Bowl 50 to the list of events that will be filled with a heavy serving of CaCa this year.
Seen above appropriating Liberace and the Bride of Frankenstein’s cultures, Lady Gaga has been announced as the yodeler who will sing out “The Star-Spangled Banner” before the (insert the name of a city or area and some animal’s name here) and the (insert the name of a different city or area and a different animal’s name here) battle it out for the title of Super Bowl 50 champions. Gaga will sort of be the appetizer to the halftime show which will star BEYONCE!!!!!!!!!! (and her back-up band called Coldsore or something rather).
The Associated Press pushed out a couple of extra details:
Lady Gaga is set to sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl on Sunday.
The NFL told The Associated Press on Tuesday that Gaga will sing “The Star-Spangled Banner” at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, California, where the Carolina Panthers will take on the Denver Broncos.
Academy Award winning actress Marlee Matlin will perform in American Sign Language during the national anthem.
Okay, they had me at Marlee Matlin. But seriously, I’m only posting this for the maybe one of you who care about the Super Bowl and are going to watch it. The rest of the world is going to be smoking a super bowl while watching a much more important and relevant event: The Puppy Bowl! And it has been announced that Harley the Wiener Dog is howling out the national anthem at the Puppy Bowl. Dlisted got the first exclusive footage of Harley in rehearsal:
And judging from that rehearsal footage alone, Harley is obviously going to show Lady CaCa up on Sunday.
This awards season is Caca’d out. Lady CaCa won a Golden Globe, she’s going to perform that song she barely helped write at the Oscars and now the Grammy hos announced this morning that she will do a David Bowie tribute on the show. Everything’s coming up CaCa this awards season.
Lady Gaga was already booked to perform on the Grammys on February 15th before David Bowie’s death. After David Bowie beamed up into the universe and became the potential 9th planet in the solar system, the Grammy producers asked her to do a tribute to him. Grammys producer Ken Ehrlich told The New York Times that several artists asked if they could do or be a part of a Bowie tribute, but he said no to all of them. He wants Gaga to do it. I guess since most of Gaga’s career has been one-long Bowie and Madonna tribute act, this Ken dude feels like she’s the obvious choice.
Pharrell’s hat twin Linda Perry became Little Monster enemy #1 last night when she accused Lady CaCa of using one of Beyonce’s signature tricks to get a writing credit on a song. Linda Perry is the one who exposed Beyonce’s writing credit trick and now she’s yanking at Gaga’s wig. Diane Warren and Gaga were nominated for a Best Song Oscar for the song Til It Happens To You from the documentary The Hunting Ground. Linda went “hmmm…” on Twitter last night over how Diane Warren’s demo of the song was pretty much identical to the version that Lady CaCa released. The hipster cholita scarecrow says that only one little line was re-worked in Til It Happens To You, and she thinks Diane let Gaga make that tiny change so that Gaga would get a writing credit and the song would get more promotion.
Entertainment Tonight, the Detective La Toya of entertainment news shows, got to the bottom of EVERYTHING by asking Leonardo DiCatchAHo about the spooked face he made when Lady Caca bumped into him while making her way to the stage to accept the award for Best Actress in a TV Movie or Miniseries at the Golden Globes last night. The mystery of Leo’s cackling scared face has FINALLY been solved! (Not really.) We can all move on with our lives. (Not at all.)
After Leo won Best Actor in a Drama for that old-timey bearded hipster in the wild movie and Alejandro González Iñárritu won for directing it, they both talked to Entertainment Tonight backstage. Cameron Mathison (aka Ryan from All My Children) of ET told Leonardo that the moment when his Muttley laugh got interrupted by Gaga’s protruding cardboard hips trended on Twitter. Leo gave an extremely detailed explanation for what was running through his brain during that moment:
“That’s trending, huh? I just didn’t know what was passing me, that’s all.“
“What was passing me…” The shade continues. Shade on, Shade Queen Leo, shade on.
But Leo’s right. He didn’t know what was passing him. It could’ve been anything. It could’ve been that bear coming back for more. It could’ve been the Grim Reaper coming to collect him since he’s cheated death 3 times. It could’ve been an angry mob of his ex-pieces coming to get revenge on him.
Sorry, but it’s still not over. Yeah, Leonardo has spoken about the most riveting event of 2016, but I’m still going to need a highly skilled body language expert to tell me what he’s pointing at. My guess is that he’s pointing at Felicity Huffman and saying, “You got beat by Lady Caca, blehehehehehehehehehehehehe!”
I didn’t know that Lady CaCa was married to a billionaire Israeli businessman?! And may a lightning bolt from heaven strike me down for comparing Lady Gaga to the talented angel that is Pia Zadora.
The Golden Globe winners have been all over the place tonight, so of course they continued with that theme by giving Lady Gaga an award for the accent acrobats and music video acting she did in American Horror Story: Hotel. While looking like she was doing third-rate Breathless Mahoney cosplay, Lady Gaga actually beat Felicity Huffman and Kirsten Dunst in the category of Best Performance by an Actress in a TV Movie or Miniseries. And just like that, the Golden Globes won the award for Best Comedy Show of the Year!
Before Lady Gaga’s acceptance speech where she laid it on so thick that I’m still wiping the thickness out of my eyes and ears (that sounds sexy but it’s not), she made her way to the stage and bumped into Leonardo DiCatchAHo who let out a scared giggle. Was Leo stoned? Was he shading CaCa? I don’t know, but I co-signed whatever he was doing:
In Gaga’s defense, that’s how Leonardo DiCatchAHo reacts whenever he’s that close to a vagina that isn’t attached to a 23-year-old blonde model. And the sad truth is, Lady Gaga is probably going to win an Oscar before Leonardo does. This world is full of fuckery.
Pics: @JAMNPP, Getty
Somewhere, Kanye West is internally raging while punching his head because he’s mad at his brain for not coming up with this idea. He wishes he would’ve been the first celebrity mess to have his post-fuck selfie on the cover of a magazine. No, his post-fuck selfie wouldn’t have been with Kim Kartrashian. It would’ve been with his mirror after he jacked off all over it.
Lady CaCa was the guest editor of V Magazine’s pre-Spring issue. The issue is $50 (!!!!) and all profits will go to her Born This Way Foundation. Gaga decided to do 16 covers for the issue and many of them feature her face including this one of her and her piece Taylor Kinney posing naked for a selfie after boning on a canvas. Gaga explained the making of their fuck juices art piece and as expected, it’s pretension covered in eye roll fuel:
“We made love on this canvas on a Sunday in Chicago. We made love amidst chaos. We talked about shootings. We made love amidst terrorism. And we talked about how people’s hearts are also suffering all over the world as they watch and witness a swell of violence. We made love amidst violence.
I could not complete the covers of this issue without relinquishing one to an important cause. Taylor and I talk all the time about our unique existence on this earth. How can we use our creativity to heal people? Since we first met, Taylor’s been painting and drawing all over me. Years ago, when we were secretly living in San Diego and crashing on the floor of a beach shack, we never wore shoes. He told me he wanted to make love to me on a canvas. And though he made many murals on my body in the wee, small hours of our stoked, gypsy mornings with our friends, for whatever reason we never got around to it.”
So basically, they do a lot of Ecstasy, right?
That sounds tiring. I mean, most of us probably just want to get it in good and then cuddle with our piece while watching HGTV as we eat cold fried chicken together. But Gaga and Taylor are fucking on paint and taking post-sex selfies and between all of that they’re talking about shootings and sadness. Who in the hell talks about shootings in between boning? That is some not right dirty talk.
But seriously, I hope this doesn’t give Hollywood’s premiere performance artiste Shia LaBeouf any ideas, because we really don’t need portraits painted with his dick cheese.
Pics: V Magazine
I should clarify; that makes it sound like Ronda Rousey was like “I want to celebrate a fight well fought by taking a trip to the hospital. Maybe they’ll give me a tour of the X-ray room?” No, Ronda Rousey took the way less fun kind of trip to the hospital.
So last night, full-time MMA fighter and part-time Floyd Mayweather Jr. dragger Ronda Rousey fought another MMA fighter named Holly Holm in Australia. From what I know about MMA fighting (ie: what I learned from the 1985 film Gymkata), it is my understanding that Ronda Rousey is good at her job. Well, nobody’s good at their job all the time, and according to TMZ, she got knocked the fuck out in the second round. Unfortunately, it was the kind of knockout that made everyone start whispering “shit shit shit, she has travel insurance, right?“, and about two seconds after they rang the bell, an ambulance hauled Ronda Rousey’s ass to the hospital.
TMZ says Ronda didn’t speak to the press after the fight, but a rep for UFC released a statement on her behalf saying that she was taken to the hospital as a precautionary measure. TMZ says Ronda didn’t have a concussion, but she had a huge gash in the middle of her lip and she was kept overnight in the hospital. They also have some pictures (not safe for people who get the heaves at the sight of blood) of Ronda Rousey’s busted face, if that’s something you want to see.
Now let’s add a layer off random to this story, shall we? Shortly after Ronda was knocked out, Lady Gaga grabbed her disco stick and started poking at Ronda on Instagram.
Here’s Ronda Rousey and Holly Holm (whose names totally sound like they were created by Stan Lee) a few days before their fight at an open training session in Melbourne.
Ukelette Doily, Sassafras Anjou, Winnifred Clementine and Dew Drop Paper Rose are just a few of the names I guessed Etsy yarn doll Zooey Deschanel would name the bundle of baby she gave birth to in Austin, TX a few months ago. Sadly, Zooey and her hipster husband Jacob Pechenik didn’t go with any of those names, but they gave their baby daughter a name that puts the twee in twee. These two are otter their minds (the gong is in the shop so you can’t GONG me this time), because they named their daughter the adorkable name of Elsie Otter. Elsie. Otter.
I really, really hope that Grace Jones’ “Reading These Hos Tour” never ever ends, because her beautiful words wrapped in pure bitchiness never fail to take me up, up and away and when I read her interviews I know how Jesus’ apostles felt when he spoke to them. In her memoirs, I Will Never Write My Memoirs, Grace Jones lines up many pop trick of today and slaps them down for copying her. While promoting her memoirs, Grace also slapped down Kanye West for jacking ideas from her and said that he’ll get a face full of her if they ever cross paths. Well, now it’s Lady CaCa’s turn to feel the wrath of Grace again.