I’m completely reading into something Ryan Murphy said in an interview with Deadline. As far as Jessica Lange is concerned, woman is done and Lady Gaga’s moving into American Horror Story Hotel. But there are dreams, we can have dreams. I can’t…can’t…reconcile ConstanceJudeFionaElsa being replaced with Gaga as a downtrodden chambermaid or the lifeguard. It’s just not right. I think I’d rather Madge check in and trip over balloons while accompanied by half-hearted cameo overlays from Beyonce and Miley. Anyway, what he said to fill us with false hope:
“Well, all I can say about that never say never with Jessica. She and I are doing something else right now. I’m producing a production of A Long Day’s Journey Into Night, that is one of her dream roles. She’s done it before and she wanted to do it again and I got the rights for her, we’re going to do that on Broadway. So we’re working again together, and I think if I went to Jessica and I had an amazing role, I think she would do it. I think she wanted some time off, but Jessica is somebody that is always about the role, in every season on this show.”
Considering the Casual Female XL shade that Jessica and her complete and total lack of fucks cast when asked about Gaga’s chances of success in replacing her, I wouldn’t bank on her ringing that front desk bell.
There is good news, though. Denis O’Hare (Burned Guy, necrobutler Spaulding, the con dude with the huge dick that they turned into a chicken last season) is back, as is Finn Wittrock. Dandy was an irritating-as-fuck character, but Finn Wittrock’s buttocks were not. So there’s that. (OH GOD, PLEASE COME BACK, JESSICA LANGE!)
Oh, and The Daily Beast asked Jessica about the aforementioned verbal bored wave she gave Gaga. Follow the jump for a master class in how to avoid answering a question until the bitter end (as well as more pics of Gaga).
I know, I shouldn’t be giving any of those evil Hollywood whores ideas, because the world has been though enough and we don’t need a Hocus Pocus reboot starring these three.
We all know that Madge and Lady CaCa have been tugging at each other’s wigs for a while and I guess Lady CaCa once tugged at Katy Perry’s, but last night they stopped shanking at each other for the sake of Instagram likes. Katy Perry (who wore a Pimp Mama Kris wig, now available in a clearance bin at Sears), Madonna and Lady CaCa (who from the neck up looks like an eyebrow-challenged Anne Boleyn) were all at the annual Look At Me Gala last night and they formed the Trifecta of Thirst by hugging on each other for a picture. Not pictured: The luminous Cher rolling her eyes at these STUNT QUEENS.
Madge posted the picture on her Instagram and added the caption:
Girls night out………. Kissing the Ring……..Finally! #metball
This is Madge we’re talking about, so by “kissing the ring,” she obviously means that those two lessers Katy and Gaga are finally paying their respects to the Godmother of Pop. Speaking of kissing the ring, designer Jeremy Scott of Moschino did just that on the red carpet:
Jeremy designed Madge’s look and by “designed” I mean spray painted the name of her album on a black dress and a vampire cape from Party City. If you’re going to steal Macy Gray’s iconic shameless promo gown, then at least do it right and add some sparkles and also put a discount code to use on iTunes.
Katy and Madge showed up to the Met Gala together, because they both wore Moschino. I figured that if anybody was going to take the theme “China: Through The Looking Glass” and run it through the cultural appropriation machine before bedazzling it, it would be Katy Perry. I really thought Katy Perry was going to show up in a neon rickshaw with a rhinestone-encrusted rice hat on her head, chopsticks sticking out of her b-hole, sequined Chinese takeout boxes over her tits, high-heeled Pearl River slippers on her feet and a giant fortune cookie on her crotch. Anyone who opened up her fortune cookie would pull out a fortune that read: “I predict that you will read a 10,000 word think piece about this outfit tomorrow.” But instead she showed up looking like the videos for “Open Your Heart“ and “Opposites Attract” crashed into her at the same time.
Here’s pictures of legendary Cher, Madge, Katy Perry, Gaga and John Mayer (who apparently kissed on Katy at an after-party. ICK NAST). And has anybody seen Drake lately? Does he look like an abuelo? Because it looks like Madge really did suck the youth out of him. She looks downright fetus-ey in the face.
The other day when I posted some shit about how Jessica Lange confirmed that yup, she’s done with American Horror Story for now and won’t be checking into Hotel, I mentioned that she was asked about Lady CaCa and it seemed like the temperature in the room dropped a few degrees when the Supreme played the Internet’s favorite sport: shade throwing. The video of that moment is finally here. If you’re feeling a little weak and rundown, just put your hand on the screen after pressing play to get some life in you.
When Jessica Lange was asked, “Does Lady Gaga convince you to stay another season,” she paused for a minute and asked, “What does that mean? I don’t understand the question,” before she rolled her head and smiled to let a trick know to keep it moving. The video may auto-play, so it’s after the cut. Bask in the greatness of Jessica Lange:
“As an artist who respects creative integrity and intellectual property, I am disgusted at how much you have copied my husband from the hair to the suit. Do you not have any value or respect for originality? You’re a laughing stock. It’s cheesy. It’s disgusting.” – Natalia Kills while looking at that picture of Matt Boner in a black suit
During the panel for American Horror Story: Freak Show at PaleyFest last night, Jessica Lange confirmed what everyone has pretty much known for months. Just like she did with Lea Whatever, she’s walking straight past AHS: Hotel and moving on to something else. She probably knows that if she signs up for AHS: Hotel, she’ll sprain her eye rolling muscle from constantly rolling her eyeballs at Lady CaCa chewing the scenery more than her.
“Yes, I’m done. We’ve had a great run here. I mean, I absolutely love doing these four characters, and in all the madness, I love the writers and Ryan (Murphy) and the insanity of shooting it.”
When someone in the audience asked Jessica Lange if Lady CaCa joining the cast makes her want to come back for another season, she responded with what I’m taking as beautiful, beautiful shade. She said, “What does that mean?”
AHS’ executive producer Tim Minear said that Matt Bomer, who played a hot gay hustler in AHS: Freak Show, is going to be the male lead in Hotel. Cheyenne Jackson has also signed on. Denis O’Hare and Kathy Bates may be back.
Finding out that Lady CaCa is pretty much replacing Jessica Lange in AHS made me scream in terror like I was trapped in a knotty pine cabin. But I will forgive Ryan Murphy for this is AHS: Hotel is about two gay nymphomaniacs (Boner and Cheyenne) who own a failing bed and breakfast that’s failing because they just fuck all day and never come downstairs to check in guests. The “horror” part comes in when they run out of lube. Lady CaCa can play a mute maid.
It appears that former fabric store trash heap goblin Lady Gaga’s current life character is that of some sort of Sound of Music-singing heart-shaped engagement ring-wearing normal haired normal person, so I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised that she reached out to Normcore Princess Taylor Swift the other day on Twitter. Also, because if Kanye West lecturing at Oxford has taught me anything, it’s that life is weird and random and makes no goddamn sense.
Billboard says it all started on Sunday when Taylor tweeted the following:
I guess that “living” she’s referring to is the fact that she no longer looks like an undead cartoon corpse or that she was still alive after freezing her wig off in Lake Michigan. Regardless, Lady Gaga decided to respond to Tay Tay’s tweet with her own inspirational message:
Whaaaaaaaat is Lady Gaga talking about? She sounds like she was just tweeting random shit she saw on a collection of thrift store coffee mugs. Life is friends, family, and love. Your prince charming will come. Heart shape + kiss lips (the pattern on a mug that says Keep it steamy, Valentine).
It was nice of Lady Gaga to write back, but I guess she didn’t get the memo that Taylor Swift isn’t a boy-crazy bitch anymore. Or maybe Lady Gaga is that forever lovesick friend who finds out you went on a shitty date and she starts blowing up your phone with hopeful shit about there being plenty of fish in the sea and putting up with the rain to get the rainbow and all that. And even when you’re like “it’s cool, don’t worry about it“, she’s like “YOU’RE CLEARLY CRYING INSIDE! LET THE TEARS OUT, GIRL! DANCE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER BEEN HURT!!!!” Yeah, I’m sticking with my coffee mug theory.
Speaking of crazy, here’s Gaga dressed for the summer while taking her dog for a winter walk this weekend in NYC:
Yesterday morning, Lake Michigan was filled with more shriveled-up dicks and frostbitten pussies than an orgy in an igloo when a bunch of brave bitches gladly froze their nipples off in the name of charity. The Chicago Tribune says that almost 5,000 people did the Polar Plunge into Lake Michigan in Chicago to raise money for the Special Olympics. They set a record yesterday by raising $1.5 million in just one day. Two of the people who risked pneumonia of the ass lips for charity were hot piece Taylor Kinney (no comment on his douchey back tattoo which belongs on the side of a van) and Lady Gaga who looked like Snow Miser in bad drag thanks to that frozen wig.
The Chicago Tribune said that the Special Olympics knew that Taylor, his Chicago Fire cast mates and Vince Vaughn were going to jump into that ice cold slushie, but they didn’t know that Lady CaCa was going to do it until minutes beforehand:
“She’s pure heart,” said Casey Hogan, president of Special Olympics Chicago and its fundraising arm Special Children’s Charities. “She came out for the cause — low-key, no press. It doesn’t get any better than that.”
The only reason to dip into icy waters is if it’s for charity, you’re getting paid thousands of dollars to do it, that necklace from Titanic is at the bottom or a topless Taylor Kinney grabs your hand and leads you into it. Below is video of the Polar Plunge. Keep a blow dryer nearby, because watching it may put icicles on your eyelashes.
All those people are cold, confused, wet and covered in ice…. Now they know how every baby who was pulled out of Nicole Kidman feels.
Oh, to be a paramedic in Chicago yesterday. As soon as Taylor Kinney came out of that icy lake, I’d grab his hand, push Gaga aside and tell him that his peen is in danger of catching hypothermia and I must save it by doing mouth-to-mouth while warming it up with my hands.
Pics: Getty, Splash/INF
This does make sense since bitch already has the costumes, makeup, eyebrow wigs, etc….
Both FX and Lady CaCa announced today that she will star in the fifth season of American Horror Story (not to be confused with American Whorror Story starring the Kardashians on E!). This is kind of shocking, because based on Shonda Rhimes’ glowing review of CaCa’s Oscar performance, you’d think she’d make her television acting debut in Scandal. Actually, I shouldn’t say “television acting debut,” because she did play the pivotal role of “girl at swimming pool #2″ in an episode of The Sopranos.
The fifth season is titled American Horror Story: Hotel and it’s rumored that it’ll take place in Nevada. That mess will start shooting in July and splatter against our TV screens in October. Jessica Lange already said that AHS: Freak Show may be her last, so there’s a chance she will not be back for season 5. No, Jessica Lange and all CaCa? That means there will be 10,000% more musical numbers. That IS a horror story. I am all for this idea if Connie Sellecca recreates her role as Christine from Hotel for this shit.
Here’s the announcement that CaCa made using a leftover costume from her Fame Monster days:
— Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) February 25, 2015
If Ryan Murphy really wants to make the most terrifying AHS of all-time, he’d scrap the hotel idea and do American Horror Story: Mentions instead. All he has to do is talk shit about Lady Gaga on Twitter and film his mentions in real-time. There’s nothing scarier than watching the batshit Little Monsters spew death threats and craziness on Twitter.
Lady CaCa sang a Sound of Music medley while wearing a bunch of clear trash bags at the Oscars tonight and I didn’t hate it… I actually kind of liked it. When she opened her mouth, I said, “Damn, she sounds good,” out loud. Is this the first stage of becoming a fucking Little Monster?! Quick! Quick! Somebody call a priest and stop this CaCa-loving demon inside of me before it grows more. But you know, I was expecting her to go full Gaga at one point. I thought Julie Andrews was going to come out and barf out red paint all over her as nuns in black latex bikinis fake fucked dancers in Nazi uniforms in the background. She probably pitched that to the Oscar producers.
Those gloves on the other hand. I don’t know whether she was about to do all the dishes or give a bull a prostate exam.
UsWeekly says that after dating for close to four years, come-to-life last-minute art school project Lady Gaga and her hot pretend fireman boyfriend Taylor Kinney are engaged. According to Times Herald-Record editor Barry Lewis, Taylor proposed to Gaga on Valentine’s Day and they celebrated their engagement by going to dinner at her father’s restaurant, Joanne Trattoria (how very subtle of you, Gaga).
Since Lady Gaga is the fame whore to end all fame whores, I assumed she’d have posted at least 13 half-naked engagement ring selfies to Instagram by now, but so far she’s only posted one, and there’s not a single tit or ass cheek in sight:
But there is a giant-ass tacky ring. What the hell kind of high school gumball machine heart-shaped promise ring foolery is this? I’m sure that diamond costs more than my face, but it sort of screams: “He went to Jared…and then realized he didn’t have enough money, so he stole something from Walmart”. It looks like a fancied-up version of the ring that came with a bottle of Hard Candy nail polish. Then again, it’s Lady Gaga, so a heart-shaped diamond is a surprisingly tasteful choice, considering it was probably a toss-up between that, or a single anal bead set in a tied-off condom filled with spider jizz and dipped in 24K gold.
I know I’m supposed to think it’s super romantic that Taylor proposed on Valentine’s Day with a heart-shaped ring, but that shit is cheesy as hell. The only way it could have been any cheesier is if Taylor had tied the ring around the neck of a giant stuffed gorilla or hid it in a molten chocolate lava cake. Why do I get the feeling that somewhere in New York, a jeweler is cleaning chocolate goo out of that ring?
I’m not sure what the inspiration behind Charli XCX’s Grammys outfit was, but I like to imagine that her stylist was going for ‘former Party Down employee who was fired for getting stoned and falling asleep on a pile of fur coats at a graduation party for Leonard Stiltskin’s daughter‘ sort of thing. She’s like the accidental hot tub baby of Roman and Bobbie St. Brown. She also kind of reminds me of a baby model from the baby formal wear page of a Sears catalog. You know, the one where all the babies look like tiny aspiring dinner theater magicians?
But if I have to be totally honest, that baby pink mink stole would have looked so much hotter paired with a floor-length crystal-studded Bob Mackie gown. Yes, I know that it’s no longer 1979 and not everyone can be Cher or Morgan Fairchild, but what ever happened to serving up show-stopping glitz n’ glamour at the Grammys? I understand that not everyone can handle the responsibility that comes along with walking the red carpet in some top-shelf crystal-covered eleganza, but at least they could try. It’s truly a dark day when only ONE person was brave enough to pull out all the stops (no, literally – there’s definitely a construction site missing its caution markers) and arrive working some old school beauty pageant glamour.
Here’s more of Charli XCX, as well as the rest of the dull, unpolished rhinestones that rolled down the Grammy red carpet last night, including an escort-looking Lady Gaga, Kelly Osbourne in Dame Edna drag, Katy Perry in Kelly Osbourne drag, and John Mayer making me completely ashamed to say I totally would: