Detective La Toya Is Engaged For Real This Time

Last year, Radar played with my emotions and made it hard for me to ever trust them AGAIN when they wrongly reported that the crown jewel of the Jackson dynasty married her not-so-secret boyfriend/Louis Vuitton purse holder (Side note: There’s no way that Louis Vuitton bag is his, he seems like a Balenciaga bitch to me) Jeffre Phillips. It turned out to be a lie. Detective La Toya was not a Christmas time bride. But 6 months later, true love has shown that it still has some life in it, because La Toya is really engaged this time.

La Toya tells People that during a romantic dinner in Hawaii with her “best friend” and business partner Jeffre, he dropped to one knee in front of her and she surprisingly didn’t pass out from being so close to his exquisitely crafted eyebrows. Jeffre gave La Toya a 17.5 carat diamond ring and it’s just as demure, understated and modest as she is. Behold!

Jeffre reminds me of an elder Derek J and he’s just a honey glazed ham of fabulousness, so he probably poots out diamonds that big and gorgeous on a daily basis. La Toya told People that Jeffre designed the ring himself and he knows what she likes. La Toya definitely chose the right piece to be her next husband. You should always marry a man who keeps three tweezers, two tiny scissors and 4 different brow pencil shades on him at all times, because if you ever have a MAN DOWN CODE 10 eyebrow emergency, he’ll immediately fix you up and bring back the beauty to your face.

Condragulations to Detective La Toya and Jeffre!

What Would Detective La Toya Say: DNA Test Proves That Brandon Howard Is Michael Jackson’s Son

Another day, another Jackson family situation that’s as puzzling as Jermaine Jackson’s fringed edges.

A bizarre press conference was held today to announce that DNA results show that there’s a 99.9% chance that 31-year-old pop singer type Brandon Howard was made from Michael Jackson’s sperm fish. There’s also a 99.9% chance that you blankly stared at that last sentence before letting out a single “oh.” You will hold a press conference tomorrow to announce this development.

Brandon Howard’s mom is gospel singer Miki Howard and she was friendly with Michael Jackson and was managed by Joe Jackson. Miki Howard used to go by the nickname “Billy” and Brandon Howard was born a year before “Billie Jean” came out, so some hos think the song is about her.

TMZ says that some dude named Alki David, who owns some site called FilmOn.com, held the press conference today and he’s the one who ordered the DNA test. Alki David got Michael Jackson’s DNA from one of MJ’s old retainers he bought at an auction. Sounds legit! To add another layer of sleazy, greasy shadiness to this giant pool of sleazy, greasy shadiness, sad fame whore Corey Feldman was at the press conference. Corey told the reporters that Brandon is the spitting image of MJ. Oh, Corey, once again proving the lies a total mess will tell for a few drink tickets and a carton of cigs.

But Brandon Howard apparently wants nothing to do with this scheme. Brandon released this statement:

To my fans, family, and friends, despite recent allegations, I did not authorize the testing of my DNA to be compared to that of the late Michael Jackson nor did I contact TMZ regarding the publication of the story.

This spring, I agreed to be a part of a documentary with FilmOn.TV and was asked to give a sample of my DNA. Even though I agreed to this I never expected it to be used in this manner.

To this day, I have never claimed to be Michael Jackson’s son nor do I have any intention of pursuing the family’s estate.

Let’s recap. Michael Jackson supposedly had bareback sex with a woman. Brandon Howard gave his DNA to an almost-stranger for whatever reason. DNA was scraped off of a nasty, disgusting, old, used retainer that may or may not have spent time in Michael Jackson’s mouth. If I add all that up and press equal, I get the answer: bullfuckingshit.

I won’t believe it until Maury announces it, Detective La Toya tells me it’s so and Brandon Howard proves that he’s really a Jackson by doing what the Jacksons do best: sue a bitch for ridiculous amounts of money.

Although, after watching Brandon Howard’s video, I do get slight shades of MJ….

That kid is probably Joe Jackson’s son and that’s probably the meanest thing I’ve ever said about anyone.

The IRS Wants $702 Million From The Michael Jackson Estate

Both The Los Angeles Times and TMZ say that the last government agency you should fuck with, the IRS, hit the Michael Jackson Estate with a bill for hundreds of millions of dollars. The IRS claims that Michael Jackson’s Estate lied about his net worth when he died and now they want $702 million in taxes and fines. Run, Jackson Family, ruuuuun, flee to Switzerland while you still can! Blanket and Detective La Toya are too fragile and delicate for prison!

In documents filed with the U.S. Tax Court in Washington, the IRS claims that the executors of Michael Jackson’s estate claimed that he was worth $7 million at the time of his death in 2009. According to the IRS, Michael Jackson was worth just a little bit more than $7 million. The IRS says that he was actually worth $1.125 billion. Wooops, bitch. That’s what the Jacksons get for letting Bubbles do their accounting #nodissrespecttobubbles. The IRS says that the Michael Jackson Estate owes taxpayers $505 million in unpaid taxes and $197 million in fines. To show the Jackson Estate that they aren’t fucking around, the IRS doubled the tax penalty from 20% to 40%. Michael Jackson’s tax return was so inaccurate, which is why they’ve been hit with that gross valuation misstatement penalty. The L.A. Times breaks down what the IRS claim was underreported.

Michael Jackson’s image:

His estate claims it’s valued at only $2,105.
The IRS claims it’s valued at $434.264 million.

Michael Jackson’s interest in the trust that owns the catalog of his own songs and the Beatles’ songs:

His estate claims it’s valued at ZERO dollars and ZERO cents.
The IRS claims it’s valued at $469 million.

During the wrongful death suit, a public accountant testified that Michael Jackson took out a $320 million loan against the music catalog. The IRS also says that another trust his Estate claims is worth $2.2 million is actually worth $60.6 million. MJ’s Estate stated that the Jackson 5 master recordings are valued at $11.2 million, but the IRS thinks they’re valued at $45.5 million.

The L.A. Times says that the Estate’s lawyers will definitely smear Vaseline all over their faces and fight this to the end. They will probably argue that at the time of his death, Michael Jackson hadn’t toured and he hadn’t put out an album and the child molestation scandal ruined his reputation, so his image wasn’t worth nearly $434 million. Most inheritance tax disputes are settled before going to court, but the L.A Times thinks that the Jackson Estate is ready to go to trial, because they’ve hired the top tax litigators in L.A.

Yes, $702 million is a shit load of money (“Speak for yourself, poor!” – Oprah), but the Jacksons can easily pay it off by doing the following:

– Sell bottles of Detective La Toya’s air kisses at $100 each.
Estimated profit: $219 million

– Chop off Blanket Jackson’s luxurious mane (I know, I should be arrested for even typing that) and sell it to weave companies.
Estimated profit: $310 million

– Sell Jermaine Jackson’s hairline to science.
Estimated profit: $5

– Make Rebbie Jackson perform the greatest Jackson song of all-time “Centipede“ at birthday parties, weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc..
Estimated Profit: $456 million

– Put up a Kickstarter to send Joe Jackson on a one-way trip to space.
Estimated profit (after the cost of the space trip): $999 million

Estimated total profit: $1.989 billion!

See, and they’ll still have a bunch of money leftover after they pay the taxes on their profits. And yes, after looking at my gross valuation of estimated profits, I’m beginning to think that I was the Jackson Estate accountant.

Detective La Toya Got Married!

Right after I declared it a slow news day for me, the biggest story of the century decade year month week day hour hits: DETECTIVE LA TOYA GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF MARRIAGE! Release the doves!

Radar says that 57-year-old Toy Toy made her business partner/longtime friend Jeffre Phillips her second husband in L.A. today. If you’re a conman murderer, now is the time to do some bad shit, because Detective La Toya is currently off the clock since she’s busy celebrating her new marriage. La Toya’s mother Katherine Jackson and Prince Michael I were both at the wedding. And I’m going to choose to believe that Blanket was the flower boy, because it would be a serious crime if he wasn’t.

I’ve seen oJeffre on La Toya’s reality show and his intricately plucked eyebrows make my lashes tingle and his pucker makes my prostate twitch. Jeffre Phillips (typing that name made me squirt out a drop of hummingbird juice) is the perfect husband for Detective La Toya, because he’ll help her to elevate her eyebrow situation and he’ll hold her hand tight as they get his and hers anal bleaching.

Congrats to Detective La Toya and her glitter-glazed husband friend.

In “Not Today, Not Ever” News: Dr. Con Held Michael Jackson’s Peen Every Night

I saw the headline “I Held Michael’s Penis Every Night” this morning and hoped that I had woken up in the future and that quote came from Anderson Cooper’s mouth during an interview about our love. But nope. Waking up to a headline like that and realizing that it’s about Dr. Conrad Murray and Michael Jackson is the universe’s way of telling you to get under the covers, crawl to the bottom of your bed and stay there forever. Or just do what that Jackson fanboy is doing: guzzle on something mind-numbing until the images aren’t burning your brain anymore. Just start guzzling now and keep your eyes up.

Dr. Conrad Murray, the crooked ass doctor who ended up at the top of Detective La Toya’s most wanted list when he gave Michael Jackson that fatal injection of Propofol, is out of prison after serving four years for killing MJ and he’s back out on the ho stroll, selling his story to anyone who will write him a check. Dr. Con talked to The Mail on Sunday about Michael Jackson and the interview is a rambling mess from start to finish. Dr. Con is still screaming “I’m innocent!” and says that Michael Jackson is the one who sent himself moonwalking to heaven by giving himself a massive injection of Propofol from his own stash. Dr. Con says that he misses Michael Jackson so much and the two were so close that his hand visited MJ’s peen daily. Before you shout, “Whore, please, you were 50 years too old to be MJ’s type,” Dr. Con says that he only touched MJ’s peen to put on a condom catheter:

“He wore dark trousers all the time because after he went to the toilet he would drip for hours. You want to know how close Michael and I were? I held his penis every night. I had to put a condom catheter on him because Michael dripped urine. He had a loss of sensation and was incontinent. Michael didn’t know how to put a condom on, so I had to do it for him.”

This is some “lost my medical license and don’t give a fuck about it” shit. Two thing: I never think anything is too much information, but this is too much information and I’m only sharing it with you, because if I have to suffer, so do you! Also, it’s ridiculous that Dr. Con’s NOT RIGHT ass thinks that slipping a condom catheter on MJ’s peen every night means that they were best friends forever. I guess this means that I should expect a friendship bracelet from the free clinic doctor the next time he sticks a finger up my ass.

And when Dr. Con wasn’t putting a condom on MJ or filling his veins up with sleepy time drugs, he was looking at naked chick magazines with him. Dr. Con queefed this out when he was asked if MJ was gay:

“I can’t tell you everything. What I will say is that he and I would look at girly magazines. He liked skinny brunettes. He told me his whole life gay men had tried it on with him. He was uncomfortable with a lot of it. He said it was part of being in showbusiness. I don’t think he was homophobic but I know he’d had some terrible experiences. He told me he felt safe being around me. He knew I wouldn’t try anything.”

Well, now your brain is filled with that information. But I’m sure that sometime tomorrow morning Dr. Con will take all of this back after he wakes up in the middle of the night and sees the shadow of a threatening figure in a deerstalker hat staring at him as he sleeps. Detective La Toya got Dr. Con once and she won’t stop until she gets him again! My dear Bubbles, fetch her magnifying glass!

The Jackson Family Isn’t Going To Get $1.5 Billion From AEG

This story is about the Jackson, so it’s the perfect time to post this gorgeous Sears Portrait Studio portrait of Detective La Toya, Rebbie, Katherine and Janet looking like she doesn’t want to be there and can’t wait to run her ass off to Dubai to get away from her entire family.

A jury in L.A. came back today and said that concert promoters AEG Live were not responsible for Michael Jackson’s death and his kids and his mother Katherine Jackson don’t deserve a single penny. The Jackson family threw a $1.5 billion lawsuit at AEG Live, because they believe that if AEG Live never hired Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson would still be alive today and Blanket Jackson would still be wearing a butterfly mask to go get froyo. AEG Live was producing MJ’s “This Is It” tour and attorneys for the family argued that the company only saw him as a moonwalking ATM (“Ohmygawd, I did too! Twinsies!” – Joe Jackson) and hired a crooked doctor who eventually gave him a fatal dose.

The trial started in April and the jury heard all kinds of shit about MJ’s private life and how he’s the one who told his caretakers to keep giving him more drugs. The jury deliberated for three days and ultimately decided that although AEG Live hired and supervised Dr. Conrad Murray, the only person responsible for Michael Jackson’s death is Michael Jackson. Even though Dr. Con was convicted of manslaughter 2 years ago, this jury felt like he was fit and competent to perform the work that AEG hired him to do. Gregg Darden, the jury foreskin (typo and it stays), told reporters outside of the court house:

“There are really no winners in this. Somebody had to die for us to be here. … It was really a tragic situation. We felt [Conrad Murray] was competent. That doesn’t mean we felt he was ethical. If ethical was in the question, it might have been a different outcome. In the end, he was very unethical. He did something he shouldn’t have done. “

The family wanted somewhere between $1 billion to $2 billion in damages.

I didn’t really follow the case at all and it sounds like the Jacksons really didn’t have a chance, but I’m still going to give the jury’s verdict 5 out of 5 sad Bubbles.

I’m giving their verdict 5 out of 5 sad Bubbles, because  think of all the stunning diamond and gold-encrusted detective coats La Toya would’ve worn if she had a billion dollars. Damn you, jury!