Paris Jackson is far, far, far from being the little girl whose dad, Michael Jackson, tried to protect by covering her face with a mask whenever she went out in public. Paris Jackson is now an Alice Cooper-loving 18-year-old with more than 50 tattoos who is working on a modeling career. I had to type the words, “with more than 50 tattoos,” with my nose, because as soon as I was reminded that Paris Jackson is 18, my hands wrinkled, my nails shrank and I’ve got the arthritis in a bad way now. It’s a good thing that a day nurse also showed up when I was reminded that Paris is 18, because I’m going to need someone to open my caramel squares for me.
The cobblestone street of Via Rodeo in Beverly Hills will once again hear the clickety clack of Detective La Toya’s heels as she holds up her magnifying glass and searches for clues in her newest case: The Case of The Missing Bukkake Dress!
TMZ says that the custom-made Calvin Klein gown that Lupita Nyong’o wore to the Oscars was snatched from her hotel room and the LAPD is on the case. The cops believe that the oyster orgy dress was stolen from her room at The London hotel in West Hollywood between 8 and 9 at night on Tuesday. Lupita wasn’t in her room at the time. You’re probably thinking that the thieving thieves stole the dress to scrape off Lupita’s DNA to clone her, but nope. They probably stole the dress, because it’s made of 6,000 Akoya pearls and is valued at $150,000. The police are going over security footage to find the pearl thief. I got questions:
1. Whenever I stay in a hotel, I lock up my janky ass first-generation iPad in the safe. But yet Lupita just left this $150,000 dress out? The Calvin Klein people didn’t hire a bodyguard to lay his body over that dress at all times? If they didn’t want to do that, they could’ve just covered the dress with this picture. Nobody would’ve gone near it. In fact, they would’ve run from it screaming.
2. I thought that right after the Oscars ended, the designer’s assistants jumped on the celebrity, took back her borrowed dress and jewels and left her naked on the street?
The cops should really get a search warrant to search the Scientology Centre. Because if you rolled up that dress really tight, it’d be a great, big, thick, anal bead-encrusted dildo. But seriously, I’m sure they’ve already tried to bring in Lindsay Lohan, because when anything goes missing you should immediately point at a Lohan. But they probably can’t find her, because right now she’s on the beaches of Puerto Vallarta selling celebrity worn pearl necklaces out of a leather suitcase.
Katy Perry, Madge, Brit Brit Spears, Lady CaCa, Beyonce, Miley Cyrus and every other pop ho is sitting on top of her suitcase at the bus station waiting for a Greyhound bus to take her back to wherever the hell she came from, because her services are no longer needed or wanted now that the true Empress of Pop has come back to reclaim her rightful throne!
After solving some of the world’s hardest cases and getting engaged to a purse-holding honey-glazed ham with eyebrows sent from up above, the most talented Jackson (after Michael, Janet, Rebbie, Jermaine and Blanket) has finally given the world a brand new song. You’ve probably warped your MPEG file of “Heart Don’t Lie” from playing it over and over again all day everyday, so you FINALLY have something new from Toy Toy to fill your ear holes with repeatedly. Toy Toy’s new single “Feels Like Love,” which I’m sure is already #1 in Kazakhstan and on Blanket’s iTunes Top 25 Most Played playlist, sounds like a song that a Real Housewives would turn down for being too cliche and tacky, but Detective La Toya uses her artistic skills to turn it into a dance masterpiece that I’m sure will sweep, mop, Swiffer and vacuum the Grammys next year.
Before making your eyes and ears tingle by watching this video, I should tell you to not even think of accusing Detective La Toya of causing auto-tune to go extinct by using all of it. La Toya doesn’t even know what auto-tune is! She probably thinks it’s a place you take your car for an oil change. La Toya’s voice just naturally sounds like a robot toddler with agita.
Toy Toy is 58 and she can still kick, stretch and kick better than tramps a third of her age.
And from now on, the audience at every Beyonce show is going to look like the audience at Basement Baby’s show in the basement (read: a couple of moths and that’s it), because all the BumbleBeys have flown out of the BeyHive and into the Toy Toy Chest! You’re probably wondering, “What’s a Beyonce?” Exactly!
Gabriel Aubry is skipping and whistling through
Whole Paycheck Whole Foods this morning buying anything and everything he wants now that he’s got a lump sum of cash from Halle Berry in his checking account. Gabriel thinks he’s living that life and thinks that the most lucrative career in the world is being Halle Berry’s glorified sperm donor. But I hate to break it to Gabriel, getting pulled out of Debbie Rowe’s vagine is way more lucrative than making a baby with the worst Catwoman ever.
Page Six says that when Michael Jackson was alive, he would literally give his kids stacks of cash, totaling $20,000, to buy whatever they wanted. When you were a kid, you’d skip into 7-Eleven and buy a candy bar and some chicles. The Jackson kids skip into 7-Eleven and buy the 7-Eleven. Nothing has changed. The Jackson kids still have money coming out of their ear holes. The Jackson kids were getting $5 million a year from the Michael Jackson Estate, but since the estate keeps making more money thanks to their constant whoring of Michael Jackson’s image, the kids got a raise in their allowance. Blanket, Paris and Prince Michael Jackson split $8 million a year and that’s in addition to the $1 million Katherine Jackson gets for taking care of them.
A small piece of that money goes to their schooling and the rest goes to whatever they want it to go to. Some source (Bubbles, you blabbing bitch) says that 17-year-old Prince Michael has spent more than $50,000 in gifts on his girlfriends and the kids all take yearly trips to Hawaii and Las Vegas together. The source also said that Blanket shares the wealth and regularly treats his cousins to dinner at the finest restaurants. This next round of root beer pitchers at Chuck E. Cheese is on Blanket!
While he enjoys the personal chef at the Jackson family’s $26,500-a-month rented mansion in Calabasas, Calif., he regularly dials his cousins and treats them to dinner at trendy restaurants before taking in a movie. The tab: usually about $500 plus tips.
“These things that they’re doing they are mostly paying for themselves, with their own money. Look, they also get $15,000 to $20,000 every month just in walking-around money. No one else has that kind of dough around here,” one source said.
“This is why you have had so much of the fighting going on in the family. But the battles have calmed since their uncles have finally found consistent work and everyone has pretty much left [Katherine] alone about money.”
The source also added that while Michael Jackson loved to throw around money and spend it on shit like solid gold-covered mummies and gold fillings that were once in King Tut’s mouth, his kids are a little more frugal. Prince Michael is saving a huge chunk of his money even though he and his brother and sister will eventually inherit all of their dad’s estate which is worth $2 billion now.
When I was Blanket Jackson’s age I got $20 every other week for chores and if the Real Housewives of Atlanta was on back then, I’d be screaming (in the voice of NeNe Leakes), “I got that Trump check!” Yes, $2.6 million is way more money that most of us will ever see (unless “binge watching Orange is the New Black while eating chicharones” suddenly becomes a high-paying job), but it’s not that much cash to the Jackson kids. Keeping Blanket Jackson’s luxurious mane luxurious costs. Hair cream made from dolphin placenta isn’t just some shit you can buy at Sally’s Beauty.
And here’s the Hope Diamond of the Jackson family doing stuff in NYC the other day while flashing the understated and tasteful diamond ring that her fiancé Jeffre Phillips gave her. If you’re wondering where she got the cash to pay for that huge ass ring, the answer lies in the empty platinum-plated freezer in Blanket’s bedroom that used to have rolls of hundreds in it.
Last year, Radar played with my emotions and made it hard for me to ever trust them AGAIN when they wrongly reported that the crown jewel of the Jackson dynasty married her not-so-secret boyfriend/Louis Vuitton purse holder (Side note: There’s no way that Louis Vuitton bag is his, he seems like a Balenciaga bitch to me) Jeffre Phillips. It turned out to be a lie. Detective La Toya was not a Christmas time bride. But 6 months later, true love has shown that it still has some life in it, because La Toya is really engaged this time.
La Toya tells People that during a romantic dinner in Hawaii with her “best friend” and business partner Jeffre, he dropped to one knee in front of her and she surprisingly didn’t pass out from being so close to his exquisitely crafted eyebrows. Jeffre gave La Toya a 17.5 carat diamond ring and it’s just as demure, understated and modest as she is. Behold!
Jeffre reminds me of an elder Derek J and he’s just a honey glazed ham of fabulousness, so he probably poots out diamonds that big and gorgeous on a daily basis. La Toya told People that Jeffre designed the ring himself and he knows what she likes. La Toya definitely chose the right piece to be her next husband. You should always marry a man who keeps three tweezers, two tiny scissors and 4 different brow pencil shades on him at all times, because if you ever have a MAN DOWN CODE 10 eyebrow emergency, he’ll immediately fix you up and bring back the beauty to your face.
Condragulations to Detective La Toya and Jeffre!
Another day, another Jackson family situation that’s as puzzling as Jermaine Jackson’s fringed edges.
A bizarre press conference was held today to announce that DNA results show that there’s a 99.9% chance that 31-year-old pop singer type Brandon Howard was made from Michael Jackson’s sperm fish. There’s also a 99.9% chance that you blankly stared at that last sentence before letting out a single “oh.” You will hold a press conference tomorrow to announce this development.
Brandon Howard’s mom is gospel singer Miki Howard and she was friendly with Michael Jackson and was managed by Joe Jackson. Miki Howard used to go by the nickname “Billy” and Brandon Howard was born a year before “Billie Jean” came out, so some hos think the song is about her.
TMZ says that some dude named Alki David, who owns some site called FilmOn.com, held the press conference today and he’s the one who ordered the DNA test. Alki David got Michael Jackson’s DNA from one of MJ’s old retainers he bought at an auction. Sounds legit! To add another layer of sleazy, greasy shadiness to this giant pool of sleazy, greasy shadiness, sad fame whore Corey Feldman was at the press conference. Corey told the reporters that Brandon is the spitting image of MJ. Oh, Corey, once again proving the lies a total mess will tell for a few drink tickets and a carton of cigs.
But Brandon Howard apparently wants nothing to do with this scheme. Brandon released this statement:
To my fans, family, and friends, despite recent allegations, I did not authorize the testing of my DNA to be compared to that of the late Michael Jackson nor did I contact TMZ regarding the publication of the story.
This spring, I agreed to be a part of a documentary with FilmOn.TV and was asked to give a sample of my DNA. Even though I agreed to this I never expected it to be used in this manner.
To this day, I have never claimed to be Michael Jackson’s son nor do I have any intention of pursuing the family’s estate.
Let’s recap. Michael Jackson supposedly had bareback sex with a woman. Brandon Howard gave his DNA to an almost-stranger for whatever reason. DNA was scraped off of a nasty, disgusting, old, used retainer that may or may not have spent time in Michael Jackson’s mouth. If I add all that up and press equal, I get the answer: bullfuckingshit.
I won’t believe it until Maury announces it, Detective La Toya tells me it’s so and Brandon Howard proves that he’s really a Jackson by doing what the Jacksons do best: sue a bitch for ridiculous amounts of money.
Although, after watching Brandon Howard’s video, I do get slight shades of MJ….
That kid is probably Joe Jackson’s son and that’s probably the meanest thing I’ve ever said about anyone.