Jordyn Woods said recently that dealing with the whole Tristan Thompson/Khloé Kardashian disaster has really awakened her to the truth about the world. Namely, she–a black woman of 21 years of age with, I’m assuming, black friends and family–finally understands what it’s like being a black woman in today’s society… I mean… there were other times… you could have… probably learned that. But hey! Woke is woke, right?
In your daily dose of “Well, DUH,” Kylie Jenner has finally come around to admitting what we already knew: her ass wouldn’t be rolling around in all that cosmetic coin if it weren’t for a little boost known as Kris Jenner. It seems like it was just yesterday when Forbes farted out a cover declaring Kylie as the youngest “self-made billionaire” ever – even beating out Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. Now, most of us figured Forbes was using “self-made billionaire” as a euphemism for “got rich because her mother made her hawk lip kits and sponsored slim tea ads on Instagram.” Alas, they maintained she fit their definition, and even Kylie tried to defend the claim. But now there’s a new season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians to promote, so she’s going to change her tune so as to not piss too many people off and drive the ratings even lower.
Everybody’s 2nd least favorite Jr. billionaire (Sorry Kylie Jenner, Mark Zuckerberg will always be #1, despite the numbers) is still trying to convince the world that every dime she’s earned since the age of 15 has been the product of her own blood, sweat, and tears. And I’m sure she’s right on some level. I have no doubt she’s bled (manicurist cut her cuticles too short), sweat (that time Jordyn Woods trended above her on Twitter) and cried (see bled and sweat) at points during her rise to “apodictic powerhouse”, as Interview Germany put it in a recent, well, interview. But we’re still not buying what she’s selling (that’s Pimp Mama Kris supplying a warehouse hidden on a private island in the Pacific with a billion dollars worth of Kylie Cosmetics).
RIP to true friendship. TMZ is reporting that we can all stop holding our breath: the verdict is in and it seems that former besties Jordyn Woods and Kylie Jenner just will not be able to make it work. Pour out a concealer which is way more tan than your actual shade in honor of Kylie’s loss.
Remember how at the beginning of the month Pimp Mama and Demon Queen extraordinaire, Kris Jenner, teased Kylie Jenner‘s upcoming subplot on Keeping Up The Clock Ticking Down To The Apocalypse With The Kardashians when it was reported that Travis Scott was maybe cheating? Well honey, that storyline might have made it all the way from subplot to main stage, as sources are still whispering their demonic songs to TMZ who will listen to anyone with tea to spill on spawn from the hell-dimension. AKA: The Kardashians.
People reports that “self-made” (*loud guffaw*) billionaire Kylie Jenner and her ex-roommate, former best friend, and heavens-how-could-you-homewrecker Jordyn Woods are still in contact with each other and “working on rebuilding their friendship” after Jordyn admittedly kissed Khloe Kardashian’s boyfriend Tristan Thompson. This should only take but a moment seeing as the Kardashians rebuild stuff all the time (faces, asses, etc.). They’re used to renovations.