Kylie Jenner is more than just what you’d get if a funhouse mirror reflection of current-day Kim Kardashian came to life. According to the man responsible for turning Kylie and some of her sisters into uncanny valley versions their former selves, Dr. Simon Ourian, 20-year-old Kylie Jenner is actually a heroic inspiration to young women looking to nip, tuck, stuff, and fill their faces without feeling guilty about it.
Who needed to be filled in on this one? Nothing on social media is authentic. You could try to be as real as possible and show everything, warts and all. But you’d still end up applying a filter to your colonoscopy. Even so, the Drag queen antagonist Keke Palmer finds herself irritated by girls like fake-ass Kylie Jenner with her engorged lips and her 96.2 MILLION Instagram followers. (Oh, big whoop. I’m sure Jonas Salk would have had that many if he was still alive.)
You would think that after earlier this year when Kendall Jenner discovered a sugary sweet beverage will NOT end racism and police brutality, she would sit her little bony ass down somewhere and take the rest of 2017 off. Unfortunately, since bad decisions are inherent in her DNA (thanks, Pimp Mama Kris), she decided to team up with her sister (aka Lil’ Hot Mess) Kylie Jenner to release a line of gaudy, expensive t-shirts that look like something from a Photoshop class for drunken first graders.
One such image featuring The Notorious B.I.G is bound to have both of these tricks taking a break from Instagram as they throw on the fake tears and “We Didn’t Know!”s for a judge in court. Because as of yesterday, Biggie’s estate is ready to kick in the door waving some legal forms to sue both of these broads.
If Pimp Mama Kris strikes sex tape gold
en showers again, this won’t be the first time I write “Kendall,” “Kylie” and “Piss” in a headline.
Whoever is in charge of the clothing crap that Kendall and Kylie Jenner push on their website thought it would be a really good idea to peddle t-shirts with their faces and initials on top of pictures of music icons without getting permission. There’s at least 200 members in PMK’s koven and so you’d think she’d make one of them take a crash course in the law so that dumb shit like this doesn’t happen. PMK should send Sushi Kardashian West to a law class. Sushi seems the smartest of that bunch.
Donatella Versace may be my pick for best dressed mess at last night’s Meth Gala and that’s only because sources (that only exist in my head) tell me that she trolled the shit out of the KarJenners.
Because Anna Wintour will invite any ole’ trick with 10 million Instagram followers or more to the Met Gala, Kylie Jenner went again and looked like the low-tide baby of Draco Malfoy and Travis The Singing Trout who got caught in a barf-colored fishermen’s net. Donatella Versace is partly responsible for that busted look since she designed the dress, but that’s not the trolling I’m talking about. I’m talking about Donatella posing next to Kim Kartrashian’s fame whore apparent while looking like a really glamorous piss stream.
The original Kim Kartrashian was there last night, so I’m surprised that her packing peanuts-stuffed ass didn’t act on instinct and immediately rub themselves against Donatella’s golden showers gown. My only complaint about Donatella’s stunning sopissticated look is that she didn’t finish it off with a boomerang fascinator on her head. Then she’d really look like piss coming out of Ray-J’s boomerang dick. Next time, Donatella. Next time!
Kylie Jenner and Tyga, the Love Story for the Snapchat generation, have been over for a couple of weeks now. But don’t weep for what was lost. Both Kylie and Tyga have moved on. Tyga has a Kylie klone who denies she’s with him (I don’t blame her), and 19-year-old Kylie is maybe with 24-year-old rapper and one-time Rihanna piece Travis Scott. Rebounding again from Tyga with another older rapper? I see Kylie’s contribution to Earth Day was to do more recycling.