Donatella Versace may be my pick for best dressed mess at last night’s Meth Gala and that’s only because sources (that only exist in my head) tell me that she trolled the shit out of the KarJenners.
Because Anna Wintour will invite any ole’ trick with 10 million Instagram followers or more to the Met Gala, Kylie Jenner went again and looked like the low-tide baby of Draco Malfoy and Travis The Singing Trout who got caught in a barf-colored fishermen’s net. Donatella Versace is partly responsible for that busted look since she designed the dress, but that’s not the trolling I’m talking about. I’m talking about Donatella posing next to Kim Kartrashian’s fame whore apparent while looking like a really glamorous piss stream.
The original Kim Kartrashian was there last night, so I’m surprised that her packing peanuts-stuffed ass didn’t act on instinct and immediately rub themselves against Donatella’s golden showers gown. My only complaint about Donatella’s stunning sopissticated look is that she didn’t finish it off with a boomerang fascinator on her head. Then she’d really look like piss coming out of Ray-J’s boomerang dick. Next time, Donatella. Next time!
Kylie Jenner and Tyga, the Love Story for the Snapchat generation, have been over for a couple of weeks now. But don’t weep for what was lost. Both Kylie and Tyga have moved on. Tyga has a Kylie klone who denies she’s with him (I don’t blame her), and 19-year-old Kylie is maybe with 24-year-old rapper and one-time Rihanna piece Travis Scott. Rebounding again from Tyga with another older rapper? I see Kylie’s contribution to Earth Day was to do more recycling.
Kris Jenner is the patron saint of bad mothers. She is so bad, that Dina Lohan probably lets out a wet burp while watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians before turning to her kids and yelling “At least I ain’t that bitch!”.
Now the rest of the world is finally ready to chuck Pimp Mama Kris and her stable of famewhores into the nearest dumpster next to the used condoms where they belong, because ratings for the show have been rapidly declining. It also doesn’t help that the romance between her son, Rob Kardashian, and the always elegant former Twerk Consultant, Blac Chyna, is on life support. What’s a pimp to do? Well, she’s decided to toss a couple dollars at Blac Chyna to make her stay with Rob! And since Chyna is used to having money thrown at her, it’s a totally acceptable and reasonable proposition.
In typical Tyga fashion, his latest drama has to do with an expensive car. SPOILER ALERT: It doesn’t end with Tyga leading the police on a high speed chase to get away from the dealership demanding payment.
E! News says that Tyga got in trouble with the police last night as he was leaving a nightclub in Hollywood. The man whose status has once again been downgraded to “Kylie Jenner’s ex-boyfriend” was pulled over in his latest expensive car (above) for running a stop sign and driving without proper license plates. Police put Tyga in handcuffs and took him away to the Hollywood Police Station. When asked by a pap why he was being loaded into a cop car, Tyga responded that it was because he had “paper plates.” That seems like a severe reaction for simply running through a stop sign and driving with temporary plates. E! says there was another reason for why Tyga was taken away from his car.
The LAPD tells E! and UsWeekly that after they pulled Tyga over at around 1:30am, they wanted to administer a field sobriety test, but there were too many paps around. So they asked him to take the test back at the station. Tyga agreed, and he passed. He was released without any arrests, just a traffic violation. A source tells E! that Tyga was at a club with his friends last night, but that he “wasn’t drinking.”
I’m glad to hear this happened after he was leaving the club. I’d hate to think he was forgetting to take some much needed me-time while putting in all those hours plotting to take down Blac Chyna.
Here’s Kylie looking like a hooker on laundry day while out at a completely different club last night.
E! announced yesterday that Kylie Jenner will star in an upcoming 8-episode
commercial for Kylie Cosmetics docu-series called Life of Kylie. A source tells People that the Kardashian-Jenners are mostly supportive of Kylie’s new show. Mostly. That source goes on to claim that some of Kylie’s sisters are also seething with jealousy. Pray that Health Nut never goes out of business; those salads they’re always eating could be only thing keeping Khloe and Kourtney from grinding their teeth down to veneer nubbins.
“Kylie and Kendall [Jenner] really are the next generation. [They keep] the entire family relevant.
Overall, everyone is really happy about it. But of course, there’s some jealousy that comes along with all the attention that Kylie is getting.”
I wish that source would have leaked some useful information, like why in the hell is her show named Life of Kylie. The strongest theory I’ve got is that it’s a play on Life of Pi, because sometimes they call her Ky. That, and she’s trapped with a Tyga who is just using her until it can move on to something better.
Of course some of the Kardashians would be jealous, but it’s silly to feel that way. They need to remember that when one demon snake head gets more famous, the whole hydra beast benefits. Not to mention that Kylie’s reign won’t last forever. Eventually Kris Jenner will start grooming North West, Penelope Disick, and Dream Kardashian for a show called Try To Kare About the Kousins. Enjoy it while it lasts, Kylie!
E! has been showing a zillion previews and milking every last drop from future episodes of Keeping Up the Kartrashians where Kim Kartrashian tells the tale of getting robbed at gunpoint in Paris as The Slow One sits there blank-faced dreaming about salad and Khlozilla also sits there blank-faced dreaming about the wild boar she’s going to catch in the woods later that night. Well, it’s Kendall Jenner’s turn to sit in front of the cameras and tell the tale of getting robbed, because someone reportedly snatched $200,000 in jewels from her house last night. Only this is probably not a Bling Ring 2.0 type of thing and it doesn’t look like thieves broke into her house like they did to Alanis Morrissette. It looks like someone who was partying at Kendall’s house last night did it. DUN DUN DUN (not really).