If Kristen Stewart’s goal is to look like her image belongs above a newspaper story about how a strung-out vagrant was arrested for starting a meth lab-fueled fire in an abandoned Family Dollar store in Central Florida, then she’s nailing it!
Like they say, beauty is pain and KStew probably went through a lot of that when someone actually shampooed her mop before bleaching it. That salon’s pipes probably got clogged with the blobs of grease that were washed out of KStew’s hair, but that’s all part of the business of beauty. KStew worked that “Macaulay Culkin after a date with a Flowbee” look while strutting around NYC with her girlfriend SoKo yesterday. Kristen Stewart looks like the kind of mess who will come up to you while you’re pumping gas at the gas station to ask for a few dollars or a cigarette. You know, when you see her coming toward you, you quickly pull the pump out of your car’s side hole, so you can jump into your car real quick and take off before she gets to you.
What I’m saying is, it’s a look. But really, KStew should take some styling lessons from her piece, because SoKo knows how to do messy. SoKo looks like Sister Bear if Sister Bear became a human hipster and went to art school. And that look is so now.
Seen above looking little a sullen Little Bo Beep as a go-go dancer at a goth club, Kristen Stewart talked to AnOther Magazine about fame, fucking up and how she really just wishes she was Billy Elliot on molly. If she was, she’d be dancing and twirling all the time. Here’s a few quotes:
On how she really just wants to fucking dance: “I wish I could dance like nobody was watching. I danced the other night and it felt so fuckin’ good. And it’s so not like me. I envy people like that so much. I’m pretty physical, but I really need to let myself go. Honestly, I just wish I could fuckin’ dance more. That’s all.”
On how she’s a fuck-up (and on another note, I don’t know about you, but she sounds like Jerry Maguire on a whole lot coke here): “I fuck up a lot. But it never stops. The work never stops. ‘One more time with feeling. Do it again, do it again. Oh, you think you fucked up? You don’t think that was good enough? Sweet, do it again, do it again, do it again.’”
On people in entertainment getting rich on bullshit distractions: “People who are interested in selling a life as if it’s a comic book story? It’s just money, money, money, money. It’s just bullshit distraction, and a lot of people make a lot of money on that, because we wanna get distracted.”
That last one…. I don’t know if she’s talking about tabloids or if she’s talking about famous tricks who sell out their personal lives for money and publicity. You know, unlike her and Robert Pattinson who were only together because their love was genuine and pure and not at all because publicists knew that them being a thing was good for the Twilight movies and for business.
But seriously, aren’t a lot of things in entertainment a distraction that allows us to escape from the daily horrors of real-life? Tabloids are a distraction, many movies are a distraction, and you reading this dumb shit about KStew is distracting you from folding the damn laundry. Everything is a distraction! Actually, that’s not true. I can’t say that about Twatlight, the movies that made her really rich even though she did about as much as an animatronic character at Chuck E. Cheese does. The Twilight movies aren’t a distraction. They are the opposite. They are real and show us the harsh reality of what happens when you fall in love with a sparkly vampire who won’t fuck you and has to protect you from other vampires trying to kill you. Those movies are PSAs! I really hope that Kristen Stewart didn’t have to pay taxes on all the money, money, money, money she made from those movies, because she did an important service to us all.
Okay, So Kristen Stewart Didn’t Say That Talk About Hollywood’s Lack Of Racial Diversity Is “Boring”
This afternoon, I sat back with a giant bowl of extra buttery popcorn and inhaled the scent of burnt paper as I watched the Internet roast wet piece of cardboard Kristen Stewart for saying that the #OscarsSoWhite controversy is boring her and people of color need to stop whining and do something. She supposedly said that while promoting her new movie Certain Women during an interview with Variety at Sundance. I guess even Variety couldn’t understand the rambling stream of words that came dribbling out of her mouth, because they later corrected their story and said that Kristen Stewart wasn’t talking about the racial diversity problem in Hollywood. She was talking about gender equality. So KStew doesn’t think you actors of color should stop bitching and moaning. She thinks you vagina-havers need to stop crying!
The Styrofoam cup full of watery powdered milk took us on a roller coaster ride of words as she tried to tell us her thoughts on women in the industry complaining about gender equality. KStew is pretty much the Nike of gender equality, because she thinks you wimmuns need to stop crying and just do it. Go do something! Go make a painting! Go write words! Go get your box eaten by a married director in a Mini Cooper! Just go do something!
“It’s hard for me to speak to that because it’s awkward. I’m so fucking lucky and so stimulated and driven like not bored and I have something in front of me all the time, so it sounds weird for me to sit around and be like, ‘It’s not fair!’ It’s like, well, guys make more money, because their movies make more money. It’s like, let’s start making…. It makes sense. Like, if you’re bored or if you feel like there’s a lack of something in front of you…. It’s silly for me to say but, ‘Go do something.’ My mom’s an artist, she’s like a painter, she’s a script supervisor as well. So like, when she wasn’t working she was making something. She was never bored. Instead of sitting around and complaining about that, do something, go write something, go do something for yourself. You know what I mean? And that’s easy to say, like fuck, it’s hard to get movies made. It’s a huge luxury. Who gets to just make movies? That subject is so prevalently everywhere right now and it’s boring.”
In Kristen Stewart’s defense, she does know boring. I mean she’s redefines the meaning of the word with every new performance she does.
And here’s KStew at the Sundance premiere of her movie working a hairstyle that’s messier than her thoughts on gender equality.
Last year, we all expected the sky to open up and for heaven to swallow us whole after Kristen Stewart became the first American actress to win a César award (aka the French Oscar) for Clouds of Sils Maria. KStew wasn’t nominated for a Golden Globe or a SAG or anything but she’s been picking up a few critics awards for what she did in that Clouds movie. So far the Boston Society of Film Critics, the Florida Film Critics Circle (Florida! Of course) and the National Society of Film Critics have all given her an award for Best Supporting Actress. And last night, she accepted a Best Supporting Actress award from the New York Film Critics. While wearing a two-piece outfit made of goth dining room curtains and a black pee-resistant mattress pad, KStew joked about how it was nice to win an award that’s not a painted tub of popcorn. via Showbiz411
Stewart gave a laid back and short speech but seemed genuinely moved by the nod from the New York Film Critics. “I’ve received a lot of Popcorns, MTV Popcorn awards,” she said, but this meant something more for a film she described as “thoughtful and quiet,” adding, “It came out a year ago, so this is nuts.”
KStew hasn’t exactly reached Leonardo DiCaprio levels of Oscar campaigning, but The Hollywood Reporter says that she’s hustling a little. Well, bitch needs to hustle harder if she wants to be in the game. She needs to tell reporters that she really suffered while making that movie. She only blinked 30 times a take instead of 70 and she only kept her mouth open 85% of the time. She suffered hard!
The idea of Juliette Binoche as a glamorous movie star on a train spoke to me, so I watched Clouds of Sils Maria a while ago. If you compared KStew’s performance in that to the impersonation of a taxidermied ferret she did in the Twatlight movies, then yeah, she was better. But I don’t know why people are throwing awards and nominations at her. If anyone in that movie deserves nominations it’s Juliette Binoche. Or even Chloe Grace Moretz. Shit, even the actual clouds of Sils Maria deserve a nomination over KStew. With that being said, I hope Kristen Stewart is nominated for an Oscar and I hope she wins. Because I just love participating in a good old-fashioned messy meltdown.
Kristen Stewart’s second-greatest enemy (the first being smiling) ran into KStew while she was filming Personal Shopper in Paris on Friday night, and because it’s Kristen Stewart, she flipped them off. Yes, there’s a small chance she wasn’t flipping off the paparazzi on purpose; it could be that they simply caught Kristen Stewart in the middle of a scene where her character was telling someone to fuck off with her finger. I mean, KStew doesn’t always flip off the paps when she sees them, right? “Hahaha, that’s cute” thought KStew’s middle finger.
It has honestly been so long since I could remember the last time Kristen Stewart pulled out her favorite finger and flipped off the paparazzi, and I was starting to get scared that maybe she had retired it. May god strike me down for ever thinking such blasphemous thoughts! A world where Kristen Stewart doesn’t greet the paps by throwing up her middle finger isn’t a world I want to live in. Kristen Stewart and her middle finger are truly one of the great romances of our time.
I know I should probably make a joke about Kristen Stewart’s tongue sticking out of her mouth like that, but I’m too busy thinking about how sad the paps will be when they find out that they will no longer be needed to photograph Kristen Stewart and Alicia Cargile’s daily coffee runs.
The last time we checked in on who Kristen Stewart was bumping her vertical sneer against, she was proudly telling you to Google her name and count the 8,204,261 pictures of her and Alicia Cargile that come up. But according to Radar, your search is going to start returning 404 – Not Found errors, because the vague gayelle love between Kristen and Alicia is dead. A source tells Radar that KStew and ACar have “officially ended their relationship” after coming to a mutual decision. The source adds that it was an “amicable breakup.” But of course it was! It’s always amicable. There goes my hope of hearing that Alicia caught Kristen in someone else’s coochie jar and responded by dramatically throwing all her black t-shirts onto the front lawn.
As for the reason why Kristen and Alicia took a match to their relationship, the source claims it was because KStew is so busy and doesn’t have time to be in a relationship. OK, I believe that one; looking mopey and shrugging apathetically is a full-time job that doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for extracurriculars. Alicia apparently also didn’t like being Kristen’s carry-on.
“Alicia does not want to be a part of her jet-setting life anymore.”
Damn, you know it’s over over when you’re willing to give up that private jet lifestyle. Alicia’s going to realize she made a big, huge mistake once she goes back to flying commercial and finds herself sipping on a lukewarm cup of Sprite while sandwiched between the toilet and a kid playing Eden xo’s “The Weekend” on repeat with no headphones. Alicia, it’s not too late! I’m sure she’ll take you back!
And just like that, a giant basket filled with freshly-baked L. Rons and a card reading “XO – Your pals at the Scientology center” appeared on Kristen Stewart’s doorstep.
Totally over-it teenager cosplayer Kristen Stewart is currently hustling her new movie Equals. From what I’ve gleaned in about 0.2 seconds of research, Equals is sort of like Logan’s Run meets Zardoz meets Kristen Stewart’s real-life personality. Basically it’s about a bunch of people in the future who have no emotions. According to The Daily Beast, the emotionless future people in Equals is an allegory for the pilled-up teens of today. That might sound like a bit of a reach, but not to KStew.
I’m not being facetious either (that may be the only time I use a smart person word here, so enjoy it). Semi-professional Daria impersonator Kristen Stewart and her one-time rumored-to-be-banging buddy Nicholas Hoult walked the red carpet for Equals at the Venice Film Festival last night, and since the name of their movie is Equals, they both served up equal amounts of good-looking eleganza.
Obviously, Nicholas Hoult is a hot plate of bangers and mash who could still dampen pants if he showed up in a pair of dirty Zubaz and an Ed Hardy shirt. But he chose to wear a tuxedo, because Nicholas Hoult cares about the material in your spank bank. Meanwhile, living frown KStew is giving you old money Transylvania debutante for your nerves. She looks like an animatronic from The Haunted Mansion ride if it was renovated by Liberace’s interior designer. Which is to say, she looks great.
They also kind of look like artsy rich kids who don’t give a single fuck going to their fancy-ass rich kid prom. KStew has this look on her face that’s like “Yeah, I borrowed this dress from my great aunt, who is like the Queen of Denmark or something. My mom told me it’s worth like, $30,000, but I’m like, who cares, mom. And Nicholas is wearing a tux to be ironic. We’re totally skipping the after-party on Brent’s yacht and having our driver take us to Taco Bell instead.”
Here’s more of KStew and Nicholas looking all fancy on the red carpet at the VFF premiere of Equals yesterday. I’ve also included some pics of KStew with her bare feet out after she yanked off her bougie Louboutins, because of course she did that.
Tami Taylor’s like I’m just going to keep smiling and being beautiful and get away from her sullen ass as quickly as possible. That headline is a fallacy. Kristen Stewart actually SMILES in some of these pics. I think dating a woman (GOOGLE IT) has brought something out in her. Vagina is uplifting, soothing, and centering. Or so I’ve heard.
Here’s a mass of pics from the American Ultra premiere last night at the Ace Theater in LA. Jesse Eisenberg plays a government killing machine who’s been brainwashed to believe he’s a stoner convenience store clerk. The Funyons fly when he snaps out of it. KStew plays his girl. That must have been a fun set for co-star Connie Britton. Neither of those leads seem like the kind of people with whom you can joke around. Eisenberg seems like he’d be constantly concerned about his wig placement and always on the phone with his therapist.
You’ll also note that Stewart’s OTHER dude from Twilight, Taylor Lautner, was there. The male TayTay is looking slightly less pristine than usual. It’s possible he’s experiencing career misery. His next role is in Adam Sandler’s next pile of shit. That’s the movie that’s still in the production stages and has already offended Native Americans and Rose McGowan. That sort of gig probably sucks the Sean Cody right out of a guy’s look.
Check out the gallery below for more pics of Kristen and Connie Britton, as well as pics of Eisenberg, Lautner, Ashley Hinshaw, Topher Grace, someone named Johnny Deluca who I only included because he’s kind of cute and I’m shallow, Jason Ritter, John Leguizamo (and his kids), Rachel Roy, Tony Hale, Max Landis (who is obviously feeling ignored because he’s the screenwriter), and Into The Woods actor Billy Magnussen who is normally smokin’ hot but here looks like he’s done too much nitrous.
It’s pretty obvious that Kristen Stewart is bumping vagines with Alicia Cargile, but she hasn’t exactly posed for a “Yup, I Love Puss” cover of People Magazine. In an interview with Nylon to promote that American Ultra movie, the humanized drool stain made it perfectly clear that she’s not going to come running out of the closet while waving a rainbow flag, because she’s not in the closet and she’s not going to confirm she’s bi unless she’s ready to be an advocate or some shit.
KStew sort of quoted Courtenay Semel when she said to Google her, you dumb fuck, if you want to know if she’s into coochie.
“Google me, I’m not hiding. If you feel like you really want to define yourself, and you have the ability to articulate those parameters and that in itself defines you, then do it. But I am an actress, man. I live in the fucking ambiguity of this life and I love it. I don’t feel like it would be true for me to be like, ‘I’m coming out!’ No, I do a job. Until I decide that I’m starting a foundation or that I have some perspective or opinion that other people should be receiving…I don’t. I’m just a kid making movies.
I think in three or four years, there are going to be a whole lot more people who don’t think it’s necessary to figure out if you’re gay or straight. It’s like, just do your thing.”
Well, if you Google, “Is Kristen Stewart bi-sexual?“, the front page has a few headlines including “Kristen Stewart Is Bisexual” and “Kristen Stewart Is Not Bisexual.” If you Google, “Does Kristen Stewart like coochie?”, you get a bunch of posts from Dlisted, a shady site you should never trust. So I’m more confused than ever. Googling her didn’t clear anything up! But wait..
Nylon also asked the mouth breathing definition of ANGST if she still talks to Robert Pattinson and she said:
“That’s not something I would ever talk to the fucking public about—that’s crazy.”
Hmmm… KStew didn’t talk about RPattz, because if she did, a sparkle would pop up in her blank eyes and she’d melt into the chair while thinking about the baby they’re raising together in secret in a hidden cabin in the woods. #RobstenIsStillUnbroken. We’re on to you, KStew!