When I was 13 I decided I wanted to dye my dark brown hair ice blond, because I was bored and dumber than I am now (if that can be believed). My little friend, who had dyed her hair every color of the Manic Panic rainbow, told me that she could easily do it for me in one day. Well, the ho told a lot of lies. If I ever have a CT scan, the doctor is going to see dozens of large holes burnt into my brain. No, all of those holes aren’t only from drugs and from looking at Kim Kardashian’s Vogue cover. Most of them are from the hair bleach that sat on my head too long and burned through my skull. My friend left that hair bleach on for way too long and it felt like acid was eating my head alive. After she bent me over the tub to wash that head-eating devil cream out of my hair, I looked down and saw clumps of my hair falling into the tub and those clumps were the exact color of Kristen Stewart’s hair.
UsWeekly says that KStew’s in New Orleans shooting American Ultra and the director wants her to have orange hair with dark ass roots, so she went to the Maison de Cheveux salon to get it done. The salon Instragrammed this picture of KStew’s new vomit-colored hair. KStew is playing a burnout in American Ultra and this is offensive to every burnout out there. What self-respecting burnout would walk around with hair the color of the barf you’d puke out after eating a bad plate of penne with salmon in vodka sauce.
Maybe the director wants her hair color to take the focus off of her acting. If that’s the case, he’s a genius (but it’s still not going to work)!
Chanel hired the humanized paper bag full of paint fumes Kristen Stewart to be the bitchy resting face of their Paris-Dallas Collection, because Kunty Karl loves that she’s more unfeeling inside than he is. Kunty Karl falls in love with any trick who would win the role of a “barely functioning zombie” on The Walking Dead over him. KStew was announced as Kunty Karl’s new muse at Chanel’s show in Dallas, TX last December and the first pictures from the campaign leaked yesterday. KStew really switched shit up for this one! Deceased eyes that say nothing, a facial expression that makes a white hockey mask look like its full of all the emotions and a mouth that’s going “duuuuuurrrrrrrrrr” non-stop. KStew really made everyone shit out a lump of SHOCK by doing something totally new. Bitch looks like a Skillrex fan who overdid it with the Ecstasy at a hoe down-themed rave.
The entire city of Dallas should file a defamation and slander suit against Chanel for doing their city wrong, because half of those clothes look like they were pulled out of a dusty cardboard box marked 1991 at one of Billy Ray Cyrus’ garage sales. If Sue Ellen Ewing looks the clothes up and down and shakes her head NOPE, you cannot give those clothes the Dallas seal of approval. Since Chanel hasn’t officially officially released these pictures yet, I don’t know if that filter came from them or not. That filter makes these pictures look like they were taken at the old timey photo shop at Knott’s Berry Farm. If that’s the look they were going for, they should’ve went totally authentic and shot the campaign at the actual old timey photo shop at Knott’s Berry Farm. Now, that would’ve been a real fashion campaign.
Here’s more pictures from Chanel’s zombie confederate soldier in lazy drag campaign. I do like the first picture, but only because her arms look like two abominable snowman dicks.
via The Fashion Spot
During her interview for the April issue of Teen Vogue (aka Shit You Still Can’t Afford, Just In Smaller Sizes) Shailene Woodley, star of the upcoming future-times-poor-people-in-overthrowing-the-goverment film Divergent, E! Online says she was asked how she felt about joining the growing number of actors who become famous from young adult novel movie franchises. We already know that Shailene considers Jennifer Lawrence to be the Dr. Maya Angelou to her Oprah (or the Oprah to her LiLo, or the LiLo to her…who am I kidding, LiLo is nobody’s mentor), but it sounds like she won’t be asking for career advice from Kristen Stewart anytime soon:
“Twilight, I’m sorry, is about a very unhealthy, toxic relationship,” Woodley says of the romance between Bella Swan and Edward Cullen, played by Stewart and her real-life ex Robert Pattinson. “She falls in love with this guy and the second he leaves her, her life is over and she’s going to kill herself! What message are we sending to young people? That is not going to help this world evolve.”
Oh boy, I don’t want to be that person, but someone needs to remind Shailene (I can baaarely with that name) that the movie she’s promoting is a Hunger Games rip-off about a make-believe dystopia where people are assigned Girl Scout badges based on their personality; it’s not exactly the second coming of Kids, so let’s pump the brakes on the whole ‘important message to young people’ thing.
Don’t get me wrong though: I did enjoy her calling out Twilight for being a soggy pile of damp tweener dumpster garbage. I take issue with how she got there, but she got there, and that’s all that should matter.
And you can step aside, you snore-making drowsy bowl of cold oatmeal; I want to know what this “trippy new drug” is that apparently all the women are high on. It better not be some intangible bullshit like “They’re high on life!” or high on their own accomplishments. I’d also like to know what fool at Marie Claire is trying to make the word passionista happen (it’s NOT going to happen, Gretchen!)
Kristen Stewart took a break from trying to pull ‘OMG so serious’ faces in her bedroom mirror without falling asleep (almost nailed it, too) to give a real eye-roller of an interview to Marie Claire. In it, she comes across sounding like a teenager who just discovered Avril Lavigne’s Let Go (“Sk8er Boi is, like, the dopest”) and also, despite it being nearly 2 years later, touches on her affair with Rupert Sanders:
On how she’s sorry-not-sorry about cheatin’ and busting up a marriage:
“I stand by every mistake I’ve ever made, so judge away.”
On why someone needs to remind this her she makes movies about vampires for 13-year-olds:
“I really like being thrown into the unknown and then finding my way. I don’t want to show someone something. I want people to watch me find something.”
On why she’s just, like, such a Cure-listening, black lipstick-wearing misunderstood loner, you guys:
“People are like, ‘She just can’t handle’ – for lack of a better word – ‘the spotlight’. No, actually, I can’t, and that is totally who I am. I love being an actor, but I’m the last person to want to have a birthday party.”
On how someone should call a doctor, because this bitch is clearly delusional:
“I don’t want to sound so fucking utterly pretentious, but after I write something, I go, ‘Holy fuck, that’s crazy.’ It’s the same thing with acting: If I do a good scene, I’m always like, ‘Whoa, that’s really dope.’”
Put your hands together and thank the higher power of your choice, because that writing she’s referring to is poetry, and she wrote something for Marie Claire (YAAAASSSS). According to The Wrap, Kristen called it “So embarrassing” (understatement alert) but it’s also way too fucking long, so I’ve put it after the jump.
Linda Grey as Sue Ellen Ewing
Charlene Tilton as Lucy Ewing
Barney Bush’s ghost
Chase from The A-List Dallas
Gary Busey’s teeth
Papa Joe Simpson
A chewed-up piece of deep fried butter
Those are all beauties who are either from Texas or affiliated with the state of Texas in some way and any one of them would be a better choice for the face of Chanel’s Paris-Dallas collection than emo-faced Kirsten Stewart. Kunty Karl debuted his Texas-inspired métiers d’art collection (whatever that means) at Dallas Fair Park last night and he also announced that his new muse is as dead inside as he is. Kunty Karl needs to switch the brand of children’s hair he’s smoking, because his new shit is obviously doing crazy things to his zombie brains. Okay, okay, maybe Kunty Karl chose Kristen Stewart, because she makes him look alive in comparison. And judging by the crap she wore to the show in Dallas last night, I think he might hate her more than he hates a fat, ugly baby who eats food.
Really, WHAT IN THE HELL KIND OF GD OUTFIT IS THAT?!
That is the fanciest and ugliest period outfit I’ve ever seen. It’s giving me cramps in my eyeballs. This is some Orange is the New Barf shit. It’s like a cross between a leather prison jumpsuit (they wear that at the Kanye West State Penitentiary), a pair of RUN-DMC’s old pants and an orange biohazard waste trash bag.
And now that I think about it and have seen the tacky, ugly hoedown wear from the collection, I can’t wait to hate on this campaign when it comes out next year. Keep on trolling, Kunty Karl!
(Pic via Getty)
When Kristen Stewart isn’t busy mistaking being a badass with being an asshole, she still inexplicably gets acting jobs. The Daily Mail generously described Kristen as “quite emotional” with Sam Waterston on the set of her latest film “Anesthesia”, which is an apt name since she usually looks like she got into a slap fight with a syringe full of numbing agent and never recovered. (Sorry, Kristen, but Tim Conway did it better.)
KStew reached down into her acting bag of tricks (that has about as much range as the busted wireless router in a McDonald’s PlayPlace) and pulled out a facial expression that could mean anything from elation to sadness to needing a wardrobe change because she gambled with a fart and lost. You won’t even have to see the film to guess she squeezes out a tear, bites her lip and fights the urge to take that hat off to run her fingers through hair that looks like it was styled with Crisco, all while delivering lines that undoubtedly sound like she’s vomiting up commas.
The Mail’s article also said Kristen might be back to pit lickin’ shenanigans with Robert Pattinson after the two were seen leaving his gated community after a four hour fuckfest last week. Where’s Cher when you need her to deliver an epic Moonstruck slap and “SNAP OUT OF IT!”? This isn’t Brokeback Mountain and Rob is no Jack Twist, so give the “I wish I knew how to quit you” bullshit a rest.
(Pics via Splash)
The pimp of the Oscars Harvey Weinstein became Kristen Stewart’s pimp for a second last year during the 12.12.12 concert which benefited Hurricane Sandy relief. The Weinstein Company produced a concert documentary about 12.12.12 and during a discussion after a screening of the movie at the Toronto International Film Festival yesterday, Harvey told everyone that a huge donation came from a Middle Eastern prince who just wanted to “sit” with Kristen Stewart for a few minutes. During the concert, the unnamed prince offered up thousands of dollars for just one meeting with KStew who was a presenter at the event. When Harvey told KStew that a prince was going to throw down a giant donation to hang out with her, she immediately said the words that every good ho says after getting a proposition, “How much?”
According to HuffPo, Harvey said that after some back and forth, the prince finally agreed to donate $500,000 for a 15-minute-long meeting with KStew. The prince paid upfront and he, KStew and a bunch of bodyguards sat together for 15 minutes.
Nothing says “I’ve got fuckit money like nobody else’s got fuckit money” like pulling $500,000 out of your checking account to hang out with Kristen Stewart of all people for 15 minutes. That was probably the most awkward 15 minutes of KStew’s life and that’s saying a lot since every second of her life is awkward. I was going to make some joke about how KStew wanted to kiss Harvey Weinstein’s ass by having dry butt sex with a Middle Eastern prince for a $500k donation, but they probably just sat there for 15 minutes without saying a word. The prince creepily stared at her while she bit her lip and blinked incessantly like she was about to have a mild stroke.
I swear, some rich bitches are so weird. Giving $500,00 to charity is a good thing, but giving it because Kristen Stewart agreed to sit with you for 15 minutes? That prince must have a serious, serious lip biting fetish.
No, it’s not Skrillex, because if it was Skrillex, you would’ve immediately squirted jizz from your nipples. The real Skrillex is a sex nymph who has that effect on most hos. It’s Kristen Stewart telling her best friends forever, the paps, to pull her finger (or something like that) while walking around Berlin yesterday. She looks like the least popular member of a failed My Bloody Valentine cover band who had to get a job delivering pizzas and isn’t happy about it. She looks like she smells like burnt grease, musty balls and an old ash tray. Bitch has that butch swag. In other words, in the right lighting and after a 6-pack or 2, I’d probably hit it.
It’s been approximately five minutes since Lindsay Lohan was released back into the wild and we’ve already had several servings of her pink nipples, heard about how the sweet nectar is her arch rival and now her 4th annual post-rehab comeback tour continues! On Chelsea Lately tonight, a leather balloon full of vodka will be replaced with a leather balloon full of Adderall sludge when Lindsay Lohan sits in for Chelsea Handler.
The episode was shot last week and E!’s been slowly queefing out clips including one of LiLo knocking the married man mouth off of Kristen Stewart’s cookie box. LiLo brought up that clip of KStew blowing an air kiss of love at the paps and then slightly burned that trick by saying:
Kristen Stewart told off paparazzi this week and there’s a video of this on TMZ. She’s hiding behind a gate, waiting to get into a car, and she said, “You’re a piece of shit and you don’t deserve the same air that I do.” Yeah, I’m just excited that Kristen Stewart finally showed some emotion. But I really love her, she’s awesome. I love her. I’m a Kristen Stewart fan. I will say this, of course she hates photographers, they took a picture of her kissing a married man in a MINI Cooper.
Don’t worry, KStew didn’t feel that slightly lukewarm burn since her skin is permanently numb and she’s dead inside. And yeah, I know LiLo calling out a trick for getting caught with a married bitch is rich, but let’s look at the positive side of all of this. LiLo was actually coherent enough to read a pre-written joke off of a card and she didn’t once roll up the card and use it to snort up a line. LILO’S BACK!
And here’s LiLo looking like a nervous naranja in a preview of her interview with The Mighty O.
After Robert Pattinson made every delusional, crazed Twihard tattoo #ROBSTENISFOREVERUNBROKEN onto their hymens by breaking up with Kristen Stewart, he was seen hanging around Katy Perry and there was a rumor that he was drying his heartbroken tears on the Kleenexes that shoot out of her tits. (Yes, add “Kleenex” to the long list of things that shoot out of Katy Perry’s tits.) But Katy Perry tells Elle UK (via The Daily Mail) that she never tit hugged RPattz’s sparkle rod and she was just trying to be his friend. Katy Perry told Elle that she texted KStew to let a trick know and she also told Elle exactly what she texted to KStew, because NOTHING IS SACRED (not even a dumb text from Katy Perry to KStew).
“I sent her a text message saying: ‘I know you’ve seen all this stuff but you know I would never disrespect you. I’m not that person. I’m just trying to be a friend to him but it is unfortunate that I do have a set of tits.’”
After KStew read that text, she bit her lip, wondered what Katy meant by “that person,” shrugged, threw her phone to the side, grabbed her married trick’s head and shoved it back into her snatch.
Katy also talked about singing yeast infection John Mayer and she kind of admitted that he dumped her ass.
“He pulled away. That was a big hello for me. I realised I could lose the person I loved and I had to deal with some things, issues I think a lot of women have. You can be strong in one aspect of your life but submissive in another.”
Oh, Katy…. When John Mayer pulls away, take that as a sign from the gods that they’re looking out for you, your coochie and your money since you’ll save a lot of cash on medical bills and topical ointments. Didn’t Katy Perry get the obvious hint from her chocha when John Mayer pulled away and it let out the biggest queef of relief?
And finally, Katy said this about RiRi:
“I love her and every time I see her, I’m reminded of the light that she has. There’s a lot of dark in this business. I know a lot of people out there with the most detrimental entourages – they are the root of their demise. It’s really unfortunate but you can’t save these people. My days of celebrity saving are over!”
I think what she meant by that is, every time she sees RiRi, that bitch is lit up. And speaking of lit up, some of you who live in L.A. aren’t reading this right now, because you were blinded after you made the mistake of looking out your window and staring at the blinding golden peen truck that announced the release date of Katy’s new album “Prism.” Or maybe this is Katy Perry’s way of letting us know that she’s been Edward Snowden the entire time.