When Hollywood actress, fashion muse, and professional scowler Kristen Stewart showed up to a Chanel show in Paris three weeks ago looking like a discount Drop Dead Fred had a three-way with I Dream of Jeannie’s butch sister and a Joey Russo doll, my eyes glazed over from the intense concentration of glamour and I fell into a style coma. When I woke up, I prayed that one day Kristen would return to stun us once again with her effortless (read: zero effort) no-fucks-given style. And she did! This morning, Kristen Stewart turned the moving walkways of LAX into a haute couture runway when she sashayed through security looking like Skid Row Ron Weasley. I think this may be a sartorial best for K-Stew.
Kristen also sort of looks like what you’d get it if The Hamburglar knocked up Linda Perry, and she gave the baby to a glue-huffing Fry Kid who raised the baby in that weird sketchy party room that every McDonald’s has in the basement (you know, the one that smells like cheap cake and sadness and cheese?) and her only contact with the outside world was a partially-scratched Joy Division CD she found in the parking lot one night, which is to say…c’est magnifique.
Here’s more of Kristen Stewart redefining effortless chic and classic American style at LAX earlier today. I don’t know what NTF or NJF means, but I assume it either stands for Not Terribly Funky (she looks like she smells funky, but not terribly so) or New Junkie Fashion:
Pics: Fame Flynet
Every single one of Jenny Lewis’ video should be nothing but her doing the Cookie Time dance with the cast of the greatest thing she’s ever been a part of: Troop Beverly Hills. But for some strange reason that I will never understand, Jenny Lewis doesn’t agree with me. So for the video for the song which will put your brain in sleep mode if you listen to it for more than 15 seconds, she got Anne Hathaway, Brie Larson and Kristen Stewart to drag king it up. Well, Anne and Brie drag king’d it up. KStew just wore a Bieber wig and a Dirty Sanchez stache with her regular clothes.
Above is Anne looking like Ali G’s American third cousin from New Jersey who thinks that KFed’s album “Playing With Fire” is an underrated rap treasure, constantly brags about how he gets his brows threaded at the same place Pauly D does, actually pre-ordered Backdoor Farrah’s rubber asshole and calls his garage bedroom in his mother’s house his “pussy palace” even though he’s only done sex with a Fleshlight. It hurts every vein in my body to say that yes, yes, I’d hit it. I actually got the puckers from seeing everyone’s least favorite theater kid Anne Hathaway as a KFed version of Buck from United States of Tara. Somebody grab a flashlight, a rosary and a vat of holy water and inspect me down there, because obviously something’s not right since I got the tingles for Anne Hathaway in a rattail and stache. Being easy isn’t easy.
Who ever directed Jenny Lewis’ Lisa Frank twat burp of a video must be a wizard who is capable of anything. Because they actually managed to bring emotion and a smile out of human drool stain Kristen Stewart (who kind of looks like a strung out young Edward Furlong as the Biebs):
Eh, actually the director’s not much of a magician, because it’s not surprising that KStew would become animated after you slap a pubestach on her face and tell her to act like a dude. And yes, yes, I would. I need help.
While I’m getting a priest to exorcise the Anne-And-KStew-In-Drag-Loving Demon out of my b-hole, you can watch the video for “Just One of the Guys” which is like Leslie Hall on Valium and Unisom.
I had two major thoughts while looking at this picture of Kristen Stewart at the Chanel Paris Fashion Week show. Yes, two – my brain was working extra hard this morning for some reason:
1. What the hell even is that smile supposed to be? It looks like KStew is trying to pull a Side Eyeing Chloe (the key word here being trying; KStew can never reach the level of flawless toothy DILLIGAF glamour of Chloe).
2. What picture of Blossom-era Joey Lawrence did Kristen Stewart bring in to her stylist? Was it this one? What am I saying, OF COURSE it was that one.
Kristen Stewart dyed her hair the same color as recalled tainted baby food for the movie American Ultra, but there’s no word on why she decided to go one step further up the fug ladder by chopping it all off. I’m guessing it’s also for a movie, and that movie is a biopic of Burnie, the Miami Heat mascot. Judging by how busted that hair is, combined with the fact that KStew’s acting range is limited to various shades of boredom, I’m guessing KStew plays Bernie during his awkward teen years. I smell an Oscaaaaaar!
And my say something nice is this: I always wondered what it would look like if early-Twlight Robert Pattinson moved out to the country, dyed his hair with some flea market Feria, married a drywall installer named Darryl and started hosted Passion Parties from the garage. And now I know! Thanks Kristen!
Here’s more of Kristen at the Chanel show wearing some shitty genie pants and $10 white pumps. Real talk – she looks like a dollar store Jasmine doll I had as a kid, and that’s all I’ll say about that. Also in attendance was Phil Collins daughter, the chick from the vampire show, Kaa from The Jungle Book wearing an Anna Wintour wig, and Jesus’s coke-dealing stepbrother Jared Leto.
Bad news for those of you hoping to take in a second serving of Kristen Stewart’s emotionally raw and multi-layer take on Snow White in the sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman. You’ll have to watch her other movies to see her stare at the other actors like a stoned, brain-dead baby deer caught in the headlights and listen to her quietly heavy breathe like she’s giving birth in a library. Because she’ll hardly be in the sequel, if she’s in it at all. If Snow White is in the sequel to Slow White and the Cuntsmen, it’ll only be a cameo appearance and I’m taking that to mean that while the Huntsman is walking through the forest he’ll catch her getting her crotch apple eaten by one of the dwarves in the back of a wagon.
Nobody needs a sequel to SWATH, but since the first one made almost $400 million worldwide and whores (including this whore) will pay good money to see Chris Hemsworth’s gigantic arms swing shit around, Universal is putting out a second movie that will come out sometime in 2016. The second movie will be all about the Huntsman. Charlize Theron will probably be back as the Evil Queen. KStew’s Mini Cooper munch partner, Rupert Sanders, is out and director Frank Darabont, who created The Walking Dead and directed The Shawshank Redemption, is in.
I wonder if ~romance~ between the leading ho and the director will strike again and Chris and Frank will get really, really close during filming. Then after the movie comes out, a pap will catch Frank slurping on Chris Hemsworth’s butt box while they’re both crammed into a parked Mini Cooper. They have to do it. It’s tradition now!
The last time Her Majesty Beyoncé and Jay Z did some impromptu promo work to generate interest in their upcoming “On The Run” tour, they ended up looking as natural and convincing as a Blake Lively boob job. And now, literally three days later, they’re back at it again with a carefully orchestrated stunt meant to convince us to drop $200 to watch the two of them dry hump each other on stage while they lip-synch to ’03 Bonnie & Clyde.
While walking the red carpet at the Met Gala last night, a ring “accidentally” fell off one of Stunt Queen Bey’s fingers. Jay Z saw what happened, counted “one Mississippi, two Mississippi” in his head like Beyoncé instructed him to do in the 20 hours of practice at home, bent down to retrieve it, and on the way up he took her hand and pretended to propose to her with the ring. Stunt Queen Bey then looked around to make sure it was caught on camera before cycling through her rolodex of emotions and pulling out ‘bashful surprise’. And Jay Z did a great job of pretending he wasn’t completely dead inside.
So first we have Stuntyoncé LOL-ing at a basketball game date night, and now they’re pulling cutesy-poo shit like pretend proposals? What’s next on the list for the “Mobil On the Run” spontaneous acts of TRU WUV promo tour? Jay Z laying his coat over a puddle so Bey won’t ruin her shoes? Renewing their vows in a hot air balloon? Undergoing an experimental surgery that turns their faces into Precious Moments figurines? WHAT IS IT??
Here’s more of Stuntyoncé at the Met Gala before and after they awarded themselves a gold medal for their flawless execution of a publicity stunt, including a close-up of Bey’s best lacefront yet (I know, womp womp). Plus, the rest of the messy-looking tricks from they Met Gala (aka the leftovers) like Charlize Theron and a sunset-colored troll, an unreasonably modest RiRi, Kate Upton dressed like Cinco de HELL NO, and Kanye West’s $99/hour rent-a-ho from Lucifer’s Choice Discount Escorts.
When I was 13 I decided I wanted to dye my dark brown hair ice blond, because I was bored and dumber than I am now (if that can be believed). My little friend, who had dyed her hair every color of the Manic Panic rainbow, told me that she could easily do it for me in one day. Well, the ho told a lot of lies. If I ever have a CT scan, the doctor is going to see dozens of large holes burnt into my brain. No, all of those holes aren’t only from drugs and from looking at Kim Kardashian’s Vogue cover. Most of them are from the hair bleach that sat on my head too long and burned through my skull. My friend left that hair bleach on for way too long and it felt like acid was eating my head alive. After she bent me over the tub to wash that head-eating devil cream out of my hair, I looked down and saw clumps of my hair falling into the tub and those clumps were the exact color of Kristen Stewart’s hair.
UsWeekly says that KStew’s in New Orleans shooting American Ultra and the director wants her to have orange hair with dark ass roots, so she went to the Maison de Cheveux salon to get it done. The salon Instragrammed this picture of KStew’s new vomit-colored hair. KStew is playing a burnout in American Ultra and this is offensive to every burnout out there. What self-respecting burnout would walk around with hair the color of the barf you’d puke out after eating a bad plate of penne with salmon in vodka sauce.
Maybe the director wants her hair color to take the focus off of her acting. If that’s the case, he’s a genius (but it’s still not going to work)!
Chanel hired the humanized paper bag full of paint fumes Kristen Stewart to be the bitchy resting face of their Paris-Dallas Collection, because Kunty Karl loves that she’s more unfeeling inside than he is. Kunty Karl falls in love with any trick who would win the role of a “barely functioning zombie” on The Walking Dead over him. KStew was announced as Kunty Karl’s new muse at Chanel’s show in Dallas, TX last December and the first pictures from the campaign leaked yesterday. KStew really switched shit up for this one! Deceased eyes that say nothing, a facial expression that makes a white hockey mask look like its full of all the emotions and a mouth that’s going “duuuuuurrrrrrrrrr” non-stop. KStew really made everyone shit out a lump of SHOCK by doing something totally new. Bitch looks like a Skillrex fan who overdid it with the Ecstasy at a hoe down-themed rave.
The entire city of Dallas should file a defamation and slander suit against Chanel for doing their city wrong, because half of those clothes look like they were pulled out of a dusty cardboard box marked 1991 at one of Billy Ray Cyrus’ garage sales. If Sue Ellen Ewing looks the clothes up and down and shakes her head NOPE, you cannot give those clothes the Dallas seal of approval. Since Chanel hasn’t officially officially released these pictures yet, I don’t know if that filter came from them or not. That filter makes these pictures look like they were taken at the old timey photo shop at Knott’s Berry Farm. If that’s the look they were going for, they should’ve went totally authentic and shot the campaign at the actual old timey photo shop at Knott’s Berry Farm. Now, that would’ve been a real fashion campaign.
Here’s more pictures from Chanel’s zombie confederate soldier in lazy drag campaign. I do like the first picture, but only because her arms look like two abominable snowman dicks.
via The Fashion Spot
During her interview for the April issue of Teen Vogue (aka Shit You Still Can’t Afford, Just In Smaller Sizes) Shailene Woodley, star of the upcoming future-times-poor-people-in-overthrowing-the-goverment film Divergent, E! Online says she was asked how she felt about joining the growing number of actors who become famous from young adult novel movie franchises. We already know that Shailene considers Jennifer Lawrence to be the Dr. Maya Angelou to her Oprah (or the Oprah to her LiLo, or the LiLo to her…who am I kidding, LiLo is nobody’s mentor), but it sounds like she won’t be asking for career advice from Kristen Stewart anytime soon:
“Twilight, I’m sorry, is about a very unhealthy, toxic relationship,” Woodley says of the romance between Bella Swan and Edward Cullen, played by Stewart and her real-life ex Robert Pattinson. “She falls in love with this guy and the second he leaves her, her life is over and she’s going to kill herself! What message are we sending to young people? That is not going to help this world evolve.”
Oh boy, I don’t want to be that person, but someone needs to remind Shailene (I can baaarely with that name) that the movie she’s promoting is a Hunger Games rip-off about a make-believe dystopia where people are assigned Girl Scout badges based on their personality; it’s not exactly the second coming of Kids, so let’s pump the brakes on the whole ‘important message to young people’ thing.
Don’t get me wrong though: I did enjoy her calling out Twilight for being a soggy pile of damp tweener dumpster garbage. I take issue with how she got there, but she got there, and that’s all that should matter.
And you can step aside, you snore-making drowsy bowl of cold oatmeal; I want to know what this “trippy new drug” is that apparently all the women are high on. It better not be some intangible bullshit like “They’re high on life!” or high on their own accomplishments. I’d also like to know what fool at Marie Claire is trying to make the word passionista happen (it’s NOT going to happen, Gretchen!)
Kristen Stewart took a break from trying to pull ‘OMG so serious’ faces in her bedroom mirror without falling asleep (almost nailed it, too) to give a real eye-roller of an interview to Marie Claire. In it, she comes across sounding like a teenager who just discovered Avril Lavigne’s Let Go (“Sk8er Boi is, like, the dopest”) and also, despite it being nearly 2 years later, touches on her affair with Rupert Sanders:
On how she’s sorry-not-sorry about cheatin’ and busting up a marriage:
“I stand by every mistake I’ve ever made, so judge away.”
On why someone needs to remind this her she makes movies about vampires for 13-year-olds:
“I really like being thrown into the unknown and then finding my way. I don’t want to show someone something. I want people to watch me find something.”
On why she’s just, like, such a Cure-listening, black lipstick-wearing misunderstood loner, you guys:
“People are like, ‘She just can’t handle’ – for lack of a better word – ‘the spotlight’. No, actually, I can’t, and that is totally who I am. I love being an actor, but I’m the last person to want to have a birthday party.”
On how someone should call a doctor, because this bitch is clearly delusional:
“I don’t want to sound so fucking utterly pretentious, but after I write something, I go, ‘Holy fuck, that’s crazy.’ It’s the same thing with acting: If I do a good scene, I’m always like, ‘Whoa, that’s really dope.’”
Put your hands together and thank the higher power of your choice, because that writing she’s referring to is poetry, and she wrote something for Marie Claire (YAAAASSSS). According to The Wrap, Kristen called it “So embarrassing” (understatement alert) but it’s also way too fucking long, so I’ve put it after the jump.
Linda Grey as Sue Ellen Ewing
Charlene Tilton as Lucy Ewing
Barney Bush’s ghost
Chase from The A-List Dallas
Gary Busey’s teeth
Papa Joe Simpson
A chewed-up piece of deep fried butter
Those are all beauties who are either from Texas or affiliated with the state of Texas in some way and any one of them would be a better choice for the face of Chanel’s Paris-Dallas collection than emo-faced Kirsten Stewart. Kunty Karl debuted his Texas-inspired métiers d’art collection (whatever that means) at Dallas Fair Park last night and he also announced that his new muse is as dead inside as he is. Kunty Karl needs to switch the brand of children’s hair he’s smoking, because his new shit is obviously doing crazy things to his zombie brains. Okay, okay, maybe Kunty Karl chose Kristen Stewart, because she makes him look alive in comparison. And judging by the crap she wore to the show in Dallas last night, I think he might hate her more than he hates a fat, ugly baby who eats food.
Really, WHAT IN THE HELL KIND OF GD OUTFIT IS THAT?!
That is the fanciest and ugliest period outfit I’ve ever seen. It’s giving me cramps in my eyeballs. This is some Orange is the New Barf shit. It’s like a cross between a leather prison jumpsuit (they wear that at the Kanye West State Penitentiary), a pair of RUN-DMC’s old pants and an orange biohazard waste trash bag.
And now that I think about it and have seen the tacky, ugly hoedown wear from the collection, I can’t wait to hate on this campaign when it comes out next year. Keep on trolling, Kunty Karl!
(Pic via Getty)