Despite the fact that Kristen Stewart’s general energy level on any given day is equal to that of a sloth on Ambien, she says that she used to be high-strung and anxious, but she’s not anymore. Jet lag in human form told Marie Claire (via People) that she’s a relaxed, wiser KStew now that she’s older.
“Between ages 15 and 20, it was really intense. I was constantly anxious. I was kind of a control freak. If I didn’t know how something was going to turn out, I would make myself ill, or just be locked up or inhibited in a way that was really debilitating.
I’m really proud that I am able to move forward and not fall into every mental crater. That’s a new thing for me. Age has made me smarter and calmer. And it is fucking awesome.”
KStew is only 25, so at the rate she’s going, she’ll be a Solitudes CD by the time she’s 30. But just because she’s calmer doesn’t mean she’s 100% chill. Hollywood’s perpetually pissed-off stepdaughter also managed to hiss a subtle “fuck off” to the members of Team Long Hair.
“My hair was such a crutch. I looked quote unquote ‘sexy’ no matter what. I could hide behind it. As soon as I didn’t have all that hair, I had to let my face hang out. I felt more confident than I had in a really long time. And it felt really good. Maybe to most people long hair is prettier. But then what? Is your main goal in life to be desired? That is boring as fuck.”
She also went on to confess that being older means not apologizing as much either.
“Lately, I’ve been doing less of the ‘I’m sooooo sorry.’ And more of the ‘No. Fuck. Jesus.'”
As a Canadian person, I’m sure my brain would explode Scanners-style if I replaced “I’m sorry” with “No. Fuck. Jesus.” Speaking of apologies, someone at Marie Claire owes KStew one for damn near Photoshopping the KStew completely out of her face in the pictures below.
UPDATE: Kristen Stewart’s mom told UsWeekly that she talked to the Mirror about her movie and other stuff, but didn’t say anything about what her daughter’s chocha is up to nowadays. Jules Stewart claims that she only said that Alicia Cargile is a “lovely girl” when asked if they’ve met. Uh huh.
Kristen Stewart has apparently been bumping hipster hobo ‘ginas with her personal assistant Alicia Cargile for a while, but her mouth lips haven’t commented on the adventures of her other lips and probably because she figures those pictures of them holding hands is proof enough that they’re together. Besides, KStew doesn’t need to say it when her mother can do it for her. THANKS MOM!
The Sunday Mirror claims that they interviewed KStew’s mom, writer/director Jules Stewart. At first they talked about the wolves Jules raises on a ranch in Santa Monica. (So yeah, if you’ve ever said that KStew acts like she was raised by wolves, you were right!) But then they got to talking about who’s currently munching on KStew’s coochie box in a Mini Cooper. Jules confirmed that KStew is with Alicia now.
“What’s not to be accepting about her now having a girlfriend? She’s happy. She’s my daughter, I’m just her mom so she knows I would accept her choices. I’ve met Kristen’s new girlfriend, I like her. What’s not to accept? She’s a lovely girl. I feel like people need to be free to love whoever they want. I accept that my daughter loves women and men. It’s OK to be who you are in my world. We all choose our friends so we should be free to choose our lovers. People are good to do whatever they like as long as they’re not hurting people or breaking the law. I have gay friends, family members, I’m accepting of people, we are all free to choose who we want to love.”
Jules went on to say that all the “public stuff” ruined KStew’s relationship with Robert Pattinson and she’s really happy right now.
The whole interview falls directly under the file marked, “Suspect As Fuck.” I mean, would KStew’s mom really out her as bi to a British tabloid? Either KStew missed an allowance payment and Jules had to pay the bills by selling a story to the tabloids. Or this is a fake interview to keep us sheeple from figuring out the truth: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are still together! (That second thought is sponsored by The Federation of Batshit Crazy Robsten Fans.)
I also threw two side-eyes at Jules saying that Kristen Stewart is “happy” right now. I refuse to believe that the human definition of Emo feels other emotions besides “ugh.” Nice try, though, “Jules.”
Here’s Kristen Stewart and her girlfriend giving you truck stop glamour in L.A. on June 6th.
In the same interview with Harper’s Bazaar where Kristen Stewart calls Hollywood “disgustingly sexist,“ she shits all over the Botoxed and rotated faces of women who have had their mugs touched by a plastic surgeon’s scalpel. Kristen Stewart may have the charisma of a hollow plastic mannequin, but she’ll never ever have a plastic face. Harper’s Bazaar asked KStew if she’d ever get plastic surgery and Our Lady of Reasonable Thoughts could’ve just said, “Plastic surgery ain’t for me,” and left it at that, but she wouldn’t be Kristen Stewart if she did that.
Keeping Up with the Kartrashians is already a terrifying shit show, but to KStew it’s probably extra terrifying, because rubber spatula faces scare her. KStew said that any woman who gets plastic surgery is insane and has vandalized her own face.
“No, never. Never. I am so freaked out by the idea of doing anything. And maybe that’s completely arrogant but I don’t want to change anything about myself. I think the women who do are losing their minds. It’s vandalism.”
Whatever, bitch, Jocelyn Wildenstein’s beautifully vandalized face is a work of HIGH ART and you can’t tell me otherwise.
According to the dictionary, the definition of “vandalism” is:
Willful or malicious damage or destruction of the property of another.
So either Kristen Stewart doesn’t know what that word means or she’s strangely religious and thinks that our faces belong to THE LORD. Whatever the case may be, I wonder how she feels about tricks getting bootleg tattoos of Picasso’s work inked into their arm, because to me that shit is a real crime.
Well, it looks like the never-ending after school slap fight between Kristen Stewart and the general idea of being famous is still going strong. In case you haven’t gathered from the fact that Kristen Stewart flips the paps off every chance she gets and has compared fame to being raped, she doesn’t exactly love being famous. In fact, she thinks it’s the worst. Like, the worst worst. To put it into context, picture Jean-Ralphio Saperstein screaming “The wooooorst” into the world’s largest megaphone, then times that by 1 billion. KStew admitted in this month’s issue of Harper’s Bazaar UK (via Daily Mail/EW) that there is really nothing worse than being famous, and swats at everyone who would want to be.
I know she may look like she’s two seconds away from doing the full body sadness slump into a pile of Robert Pattinson’s old greasy-pitted t-shirts, but apparently that’s actually Kristen Stewart’s face’s way of communicating serene happiness. According to People, KStew isn’t bothered by the fact that her former partner in real life Twilight fan fiction fuckery has given his girlfriend of 6 months an engagement ring. A source (Hi Alicia Cargile!) says that when KStew found out about the possibility of FKA Twigs becoming Mrs. FKA Twigs-Pattz, she just sort of shrugged her shoulders and continued practicing her scowl in the mirror:
“Kristen is doing fine, working and traveling, and she will survive Robert’s engagement. She has her own life and has moved on. Kristen lives a much more low-key life now and seems happier. It was obvious that she was struggling with the media attention [during her relationship with Rob].”
I’m sure reading that made those last few Twihards so furious their hands couldn’t even type out the words “LIAR! KRISTEN IS WEEPING TEARS OF PURE SADNESS, I KNOW IT!” without wanting to whip their keyboards halfway across the room. But I believe it. Like Kristen even cares that her ex might be getting married? Or even cares about marriage at all? She totally seems like the type who would show up to her own wedding day in a pair of ripped black jeans and a Joy Division shirt like with a Marlboro red hanging out of the corner of her mouth, hissing “Okay, let’s get this over with” before chugging an entire bottle of champagne. Actually, that sounds like a super fun wedding.
Seen above already practicing the frazzled constipation face that every Woody Allen character must make, Cesar award-winning actress (that is not a typo) Kristen Stewart will star in the noted creeper fart’s next movie. Hide every MINI Cooper now. Hide them all.
Even though Woody Allen’s last movie Turd in the Moonlight was a critical flop, he’s still farting up a movie a year like he’s done since before Methuselah was born. The shriveled worm has a movie called Irrational Man, which stars Emma Stone and Joaquin Phoenix, coming out this year and he’s already starting to put together his project for 2016. Deadline says that Woody has cast Kristen Stewart, Jesse Eisenberg and Christina Hendricks’ right chichi, Bruce Willis, in the lead roles. Jesse Eisenberg was in To Rome With Love. KStew and Bruce have never worked with Woody before. This will also be the third time KStew and Jesse Eisenberg are in a movie together. They are UGH’s answer to Bogie and Bacall.
As with most of Woody’s movies, everyone signed on without seeing a script. There is no plot and there is no title. Like we need to be told what it’s going to be about. We already know it’s going to be about a bunch nervous white people and their problems. You can also expect a scene where KStew and Bruce Willis touch tongues so get ready to heave.
And every crew member who is going to work on this movie better find a way to get a bottomless Xanax prescription, because they’re going to need it. Kristen Stewart is a stuttering, tweaker on Ambien mess and Woody Allen is a stuttering, neurotic mess, so watching them communicate will drive anyone to a nervous breakdown.
Seen above looking like an apathetic greasy teenage elf raver runaway, Kristen Stewart recently gave an interview to Patti Smith for Interview, and she admitted something I never thought I’d hear anyone associated with the Twilight franchise would ever admit, let alone Kristen Stewart: that she’s not just proud of the Twilight movies, but that she’s “fucking proud”. Literally every neurologist across the country just told their assistants to clear their schedules because “the mopey girl from Twilight clearly needs a brain scan.”
Okay, does this mean that the tabloids can stop calling referring to Alicia Cargile as Kristen Stewart’s “gal pal”? Every time I read “gal pal” I think of my tia called my boyfriend a “special friend.” Oh, tia, just call him my full-time sloppy butt fuck buddy. It won’t make my ears curl the way that “special friend” does.
Kristen Stewart’s true loves, the paparazzi, got in her face yesterday as she walked through LAX holding Alicia’s hand. So that’s why the news reported (no, they didn’t) this morning that hundreds of thousands of torn off tonsils were found scattered all across the country. It was from the ROBSTENIS4EVER crazies screaming their lymphoid tissues off while looking at these pictures. Kristen and Alicia (possible couple names: CarStew? CarArt?) were coming back from the wedding of Elvis’ granddaughter Riley Keough in Napa. There’s also a story going around that Alicia is moving into KStew’s loft in Downtown L.A. So when the Skinny Jeans And Caps Twinsies strolled through LAX yesterday, the paps asked them if they’re getting married (because, you know, they just went to a wedding) and if it’s true they’re moving in together. The paps really lost their gift of subtlety, because the paps I know would’ve asked Kristen, “Kristen, Kristen, does your coochie convert to Judaism every time it bumps against Alicia’s Star of David crotch tattoo?” I know, they used to be so subtle and tactful.
And these pictures are truly BREAKING NEWS material, because this may be the first time in months that Kristen Stewart was photographed holding something other than her morning cup of coffee. Somewhere, a morning cup of coffee is feeling rejected and lonely because Kristen Stewart isn’t holding it.
That’s her “I really give a fuck” face. Can’t you tell?
Kristen Stewart did an interview with Salon to promote Still Alice and she spent most of the time worshipping the ginger goddess of perfection Julianne Moore, as she should, but she did take a minute to once again claim that she’s overflowing with fucks to give. Some people look at Kristen Stewart and think that she’s fuck deficient since she looks like she hasn’t spent any intimate time with a shower head in weeks and looks about as happy as a goth kid at Chuck E. Cheese. But KStew says she’s got more fucks than she knows what to do with:
You are kind of a hero to people, in a way. A lot of people admire what they see as your give-no-fucks attitude.
I’m like, actually, no one gives a fuck like me. No one gives more of a fuck than me. It’s just ironic to me. I’m always like, really?
That was served on a plate made of sarcasm and wrapped tightly in an eye roll, right? She must have said it in the same tone that I said, “Nope, because I’m too busy overdosing on tons of sweet, sweet pussy,” to the relative who asked me if I have a girlfriend. Please, KStew doesn’t give a fuck. I mean, most actors who give a fuck go to acting class and at least try to exude a drop of human emotion on camera, but KStew doesn’t do any of that, because she doesn’t have one fuck to give. You can’t fool us, KStew.
Here’s the Give No Fucks team leader at a Stella McCartney event two days ago and outside of her hotel in NYC yesterday.
The glum version of Anybody’s from West Side Story landed at LAX with her rumored partner in pussy Alicia Cargile on Friday and the paparazzi were waiting for her, because they’re true soulmates and a minute without blowing air kisses at each other is a minute not worth living. While KStew and Alicia waited for their car to get them, the paparazzi surrounded them and an autograph seeker tried to get her sign a picture of her with Robert Pattinson. The only thing Kristen Stewart wanted to sign was the guestbook at his funeral. She refused to sign that shit and he kept on, kept on. I don’t even know why he was so hard up for her autograph. He obviously wants to sell that shit on eBay, but Kristen Stewart’s autograph is really easy to copy. It’s just a purple devil Emoji followed by the words “Die, cunt, die!”
At around the 1:29 mark in the video above, KStew tells him to, “get the fuck outta my face,” and I guess he heard, “fuck with me more please,” instead, because he kept on poking at her nerves and harassing her. Dude should quit the autograph hound business and go into selling timeshares, because bitch knows how to be persistent. Kristen Stewart’s rage simmered and for a second I thought she was going to bust out a reboot of this iconic moment in “celebrities at the airport” history:
Kristen Stewart never went crazy Bjork-style on a bitch, but I guess she was waiting for him to really set her off by saying, “Welcome to