Seen above already practicing the frazzled constipation face that every Woody Allen character must make, Cesar award-winning actress (that is not a typo) Kristen Stewart will star in the noted creeper fart’s next movie. Hide every MINI Cooper now. Hide them all.
Even though Woody Allen’s last movie Turd in the Moonlight was a critical flop, he’s still farting up a movie a year like he’s done since before Methuselah was born. The shriveled worm has a movie called Irrational Man, which stars Emma Stone and Joaquin Phoenix, coming out this year and he’s already starting to put together his project for 2016. Deadline says that Woody has cast Kristen Stewart, Jesse Eisenberg and Christina Hendricks’ right chichi, Bruce Willis, in the lead roles. Jesse Eisenberg was in To Rome With Love. KStew and Bruce have never worked with Woody before. This will also be the third time KStew and Jesse Eisenberg are in a movie together. They are UGH’s answer to Bogie and Bacall.
As with most of Woody’s movies, everyone signed on without seeing a script. There is no plot and there is no title. Like we need to be told what it’s going to be about. We already know it’s going to be about a bunch nervous white people and their problems. You can also expect a scene where KStew and Bruce Willis touch tongues so get ready to heave.
And every crew member who is going to work on this movie better find a way to get a bottomless Xanax prescription, because they’re going to need it. Kristen Stewart is a stuttering, tweaker on Ambien mess and Woody Allen is a stuttering, neurotic mess, so watching them communicate will drive anyone to a nervous breakdown.
Seen above looking like an apathetic greasy teenage elf raver runaway, Kristen Stewart recently gave an interview to Patti Smith for Interview, and she admitted something I never thought I’d hear anyone associated with the Twilight franchise would ever admit, let alone Kristen Stewart: that she’s not just proud of the Twilight movies, but that she’s “fucking proud”. Literally every neurologist across the country just told their assistants to clear their schedules because “the mopey girl from Twilight clearly needs a brain scan.”
Okay, does this mean that the tabloids can stop calling referring to Alicia Cargile as Kristen Stewart’s “gal pal”? Every time I read “gal pal” I think of my tia called my boyfriend a “special friend.” Oh, tia, just call him my full-time sloppy butt fuck buddy. It won’t make my ears curl the way that “special friend” does.
Kristen Stewart’s true loves, the paparazzi, got in her face yesterday as she walked through LAX holding Alicia’s hand. So that’s why the news reported (no, they didn’t) this morning that hundreds of thousands of torn off tonsils were found scattered all across the country. It was from the ROBSTENIS4EVER crazies screaming their lymphoid tissues off while looking at these pictures. Kristen and Alicia (possible couple names: CarStew? CarArt?) were coming back from the wedding of Elvis’ granddaughter Riley Keough in Napa. There’s also a story going around that Alicia is moving into KStew’s loft in Downtown L.A. So when the Skinny Jeans And Caps Twinsies strolled through LAX yesterday, the paps asked them if they’re getting married (because, you know, they just went to a wedding) and if it’s true they’re moving in together. The paps really lost their gift of subtlety, because the paps I know would’ve asked Kristen, “Kristen, Kristen, does your coochie convert to Judaism every time it bumps against Alicia’s Star of David crotch tattoo?” I know, they used to be so subtle and tactful.
And these pictures are truly BREAKING NEWS material, because this may be the first time in months that Kristen Stewart was photographed holding something other than her morning cup of coffee. Somewhere, a morning cup of coffee is feeling rejected and lonely because Kristen Stewart isn’t holding it.
That’s her “I really give a fuck” face. Can’t you tell?
Kristen Stewart did an interview with Salon to promote Still Alice and she spent most of the time worshipping the ginger goddess of perfection Julianne Moore, as she should, but she did take a minute to once again claim that she’s overflowing with fucks to give. Some people look at Kristen Stewart and think that she’s fuck deficient since she looks like she hasn’t spent any intimate time with a shower head in weeks and looks about as happy as a goth kid at Chuck E. Cheese. But KStew says she’s got more fucks than she knows what to do with:
You are kind of a hero to people, in a way. A lot of people admire what they see as your give-no-fucks attitude.
I’m like, actually, no one gives a fuck like me. No one gives more of a fuck than me. It’s just ironic to me. I’m always like, really?
That was served on a plate made of sarcasm and wrapped tightly in an eye roll, right? She must have said it in the same tone that I said, “Nope, because I’m too busy overdosing on tons of sweet, sweet pussy,” to the relative who asked me if I have a girlfriend. Please, KStew doesn’t give a fuck. I mean, most actors who give a fuck go to acting class and at least try to exude a drop of human emotion on camera, but KStew doesn’t do any of that, because she doesn’t have one fuck to give. You can’t fool us, KStew.
Here’s the Give No Fucks team leader at a Stella McCartney event two days ago and outside of her hotel in NYC yesterday.
The glum version of Anybody’s from West Side Story landed at LAX with her rumored partner in pussy Alicia Cargile on Friday and the paparazzi were waiting for her, because they’re true soulmates and a minute without blowing air kisses at each other is a minute not worth living. While KStew and Alicia waited for their car to get them, the paparazzi surrounded them and an autograph seeker tried to get her sign a picture of her with Robert Pattinson. The only thing Kristen Stewart wanted to sign was the guestbook at his funeral. She refused to sign that shit and he kept on, kept on. I don’t even know why he was so hard up for her autograph. He obviously wants to sell that shit on eBay, but Kristen Stewart’s autograph is really easy to copy. It’s just a purple devil Emoji followed by the words “Die, cunt, die!”
At around the 1:29 mark in the video above, KStew tells him to, “get the fuck outta my face,” and I guess he heard, “fuck with me more please,” instead, because he kept on poking at her nerves and harassing her. Dude should quit the autograph hound business and go into selling timeshares, because bitch knows how to be persistent. Kristen Stewart’s rage simmered and for a second I thought she was going to bust out a reboot of this iconic moment in “celebrities at the airport” history:
Kristen Stewart never went crazy Bjork-style on a bitch, but I guess she was waiting for him to really set her off by saying, “Welcome to
In honor of it being the first night of Hanukkah, 9 days till Christmas, and 3 hours till I fall into a diabetic coma from drinking six gallons of eggnog, here’s the always festive and joyful Kristen Stewart getting into the holiday spirit by flipping off the paps. Oh, KStew – it’s the most wonderful tiiiiime of the year, and you’re still the most sullen of sullen teens. Even that mopey bummer Charlie Brown is like “Damn bitch, who pissed in your peppermint latte?”
KStew delivered her lovely handmade gift to the paps on Sunday after they spent the day following her around Los Feliz while she got coffee with her BFF Alicia Cargile. How thoughtful of her! That’s a really great present. You know, I still need to get a last-minute gift for the asshole who keeps backing into my car and putting dents in my license plate, and I think a middle finger would be perfect. Then again, I’ve got this sneaking suspicion they already got one this year.
And I know that everyone talks about KStew having the acting range of a damp piece of plywood, but you can’t say the same about her bird-flipping hand. It’s delivering so much raw emotion: anger, rage, fury, frustration. Is it too early to reboot the Twilight series and cast KStew’s bird-flipping hand as Bella? I would watch that.
Here’s KStew before she stuffed the paps’ stockings with cunty cheer, dressed like a goth stay-at-home dad while getting coffee:
Also, if you’ve always wanted to see Bendandsnap Culohatch touch mouths with Laura Jeanne Poon, then you’re a sucio, kinky fuck. The next time I type “felching” into PornHub, I’ll tell myself not to feel too gross since out there in the world are messes more depraved than me. The kind of messes who get the tingles from watching these to go at it with their mouths.
It’s that time of year again when actors who want an Oscar work it like their pimp is in jail and they gotta bail him out before morning. Every year, The New York Times Magazine answers the question “Which actors are so hard up for an Oscar that they’ll do whatever we say?” by putting out a bunch of artsy videos starring some Oscar hopefuls. This year they took 17 of this year’s “best actors” (and Kristen Stewart) and paired them up together in kissing scenes. B. Cums and Reese got paired up and this is what their kiss looks like:
When I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade we went on a field trip to the zoo and we got to watch a zookeeper feed an iguana pieces of butternut squash. That iguana was all about the butternut squash. So while watching B. Cums and Reese kiss, I kept waiting for him to show his lizard self by trying to bite off her chin after mistaking it for a butternut squash.
The rest of the RIVETING videos are after the cut. If you need to know names before you commit by clicking, the kissing hos include: Kristen Stewart, Rosario Dawson, Patricia Arquette, Chadwick Boseman, Jack O’Connell, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Miles Teller, Julianne Moore and more. You can pull your pants up and put the lube away, because there is man-on-man mouth action but it’s not between Chadwick and Jack.
Professional mopey person Kristen Stewart got some attention last Friday night by flashing her nipple bits while presenting Julianne Moore with a Hollywood Film Award, and causing everyone watching at home to mentally present her with the award for Messiest Female Performance (Messiest Male of course went to Johnny Depp). But according to Hollywood Life, Kristen doesn’t give a rat’s hot ass that her titty Skittles made a surprise appearance during a fancy award show. A source close to Kristen (that dejected gopher on her head) said:
“She is not worried about it. It’s not a big deal. If people want to see her naked, she’d rather it be from the movies she has done with nudity, but this happened and she has already forgotten about it. It’s not like the Fappening and certainly not the worst thing cameras have caught from her. Not a big deal at all.”
I’m sure that “worst thing cameras have caught” the source is referring to is getting caught letting a married director snack on her taco salad in a Mini Cooper, but I choose to believe it’s getting caught looking like Chuckie Finster’s busted coke-snorting half-sister.
So Scowly McWhatever doesn’t care that you saw her nipples…or does she??? Celeb Dirty Laundry seems to think KStew orchestrated the whole thing in an attempt to rebrand herself and get better movie roles. That sneaky human shoulder shrug! But why would she have to flash her nipz to do that? Maybe KStew is trying to score the lead role in Lifetime’s Not Without My Nipples: The Scout Willis Story or something.
But if she is, in fact, trying to rebrand herself as “Not Just The Mopey Hipster Chick From Twilight“, maybe she should start by not always looking like the mopey hipster chick from Twilight? Or at the very least, not the mopey hipster dude from Twilight. Here’s Kristen looking like a lazy cosplay of Robert Pattinson at LAX yesterday:
Kristen Stewart’s Nipples Tried To Make A Break For It While Presenting Julianne Moore With A Hollywood Film Award
Because the Hollywood Film Awards are apparently the famous people equivalent of a messy office Christmas party (see: Johnny Depp playing the part of the dude who gets fired for guzzling two bottles of JD and dry humping the Xeorox machine), it’s no surprise that a pair of nipples made an appearance. Because really, a party’s not a party until someone’s tits accidentally pop out of their dress, right?
During the presentation of the Hollywood Actress Award to Julianne Moore, the white part of Kristen Stewart’s dress decided to quit this bitch and slowly slide down her chest. Thankfully she was wearing that grey mesh dickie thing, so her mopey nipple bits remained sort of obscured. In true Kristen fashion, she was all “Meh, whatever” about it, and kept going. Apathy waits for no nip slip!
I’m all for a surprise guest appearance by a pair of nipples, but not like this. That janky chain mail shirt looks like it would chafe something awful! When KStew reached up to scratch that dead rodent living on her head and her dress started scraping against her left nipple, you could practically hear it screaming “NO NO NO NO PLEASE STAHP!” My own nipples just cringed thinking about it!
And Us Weekly seems to think the most embarrassing part of KStew’s impromptu titty show was that it happened with her ex in the audience. Ha! Like Robert Pattinson cares about KStew’s booby buttons! He’s too busy trying to decide if he should go full-on Medieval Hipster Monk and shave off the top half of his hair.
Here’s more of Kristen Stewart in that booby trap of a dress, as well as Hollywood Actress Award-Winner Julianne Moore:
Don’t you have to actually do something to take a break from it? NO! That’s mean! Kristen Stewart is an excellent actress. I’ve never seen a performer with such a broad emotional range: bored, sullen, mopey, melancholy, bored, tired. Sometimes The Perpetual Apathetic Shrug Machine looks like she’s not acting by showing no emotion at all! She’s THAT good. She’s so good, she’s told USA Today (via Us Weekly) that she’s decided to take a break and let other actors have a chance at all the sullen teenager parts in Hollywood so she can focus on her true calling: ART!
“I’m taking some time off because I’ve been working for two years. I’m an actor and that’s my art form, and because I started that so young, I’ve always felt intimidated and insufficient when I think about other forms of art I want to create.”
“I’m going to take so much time off. I’m going to buy a live-work space in downtown L.A. and I’m going to make some [stuff] with my hands. Literally, I made that decision a few weeks ago. I’m making a short film. I’m making a bunch of stuff. I don’t know how I’ll put it out. But I’m not going to hold it so preciously close to me. I write all the time.”
Oh, we’ve read the kind of poetry you’ve been writing, KStew, and it’s a goddamn REVELATION. I sincerely hope she finds a way to merge some spoken word into her art, because the art world truly needs more eloquent emo teen WTF-ery like “One honest day up on this freedom pole“. Ooh, maybe she’ll sculpt an actual freedom pole? And if I know anything about art (and I do, since I spent 4 years of my life in art school), then that pole will be a giant dick. When in doubt, make it a dick! Dicks are ~deep~.
But I’m a little concerned for Hollywood. What will they do now that the human grimace is temporarily retired? I don’t think there’s anyone grumpy enough to fill in for KStew, besides Grumpy Cat (and that pussy is already being worked harder than a Kardashian at an NBA event). Kristen’s first art piece should be a mopey-looking wooden sculpture of herself that she can rent out to studios to fill in for her. It will be like she never left!