Dlisted weekend guy and known malcontent, J. Harvey, is publicly apologizing to actress Kristen Stewart for ever criticizing her lack of emotion in her performances, her general surliness, and this outfit. Stewart’s opening monologue on SNL last night, in which she ridiculed President Donald Trump’s bizarre Twitter obsession with her and former romantic interest Robert Pattinson’s relationship back in the Twilight-era (as well as dropping a “fuck” in at the end for emphasis), has absolved her of any celebrity wrong-doing now and forever, according to Mr. Harvey. He will now binge-watch the Twilight saga for the first time ever as penance. Thank you.
That was the statement my assistant just issued to the AP, Reuters, and the Weekly World News.
Let’s turn the clock back to 2012. Hurricane Sandy was slapping the shit out of NYC. Jessica Simpson struggled to deal with Papa Joe’s twink addiction. And our current president Donald Trump felt necessary to chime in about a celebrity couple’s tragic breakup. He’s grown so much since then.
Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson starred as a starcrossed and sparkly vampire couple in a seemingly endless film franchise called Twilight in the early 2010s. They were also in a poorly concealed “secret” relationship which kaboomed when Kristen was papped letting a director attend to her needs in a mini-Cooper. Our future president, who was merely a reality television star back then, was firmly on Team Edward. He hates cheating (he’s been romancing the Twitter bird for a looonnngg time)!
Kristen Stewart’s job title may be sedative-faced actress, but one of her passions is writing. Kristen has previously shared with us the poetry she’s created, and she recently made her debut into the world of smarty-pants academic research papers. I guess she’s trying to get her UhD? (Doctorate of “ugh, whatever“).
KStew co-authored a paper on artificial intelligence titled: “Bringing Impressionism to Life with Neural Style Transfer in Come Swim.” Come Swim is a 17-minute short film Kristen Stewart directed that premiered at the Sundance Film Festival last night. According to The Guardian, Kristen Stewart wrote the paper with a research engineer and the producer of Come Swim, and they submitted the paper to an online database connected to Cornell University’s library on Wednesday.
Less than two months ago, Kristen Stewart made things with St. Vincent celebrity-official by posing for pictures at a Vogue fashion event together. Kristen usually plays it coy when it comes to who she’s rubbing up against, so I took that public event to be the domino that was about to knock down the rest of the dominoes that lead to a chapel and a priest and matching hers n’ hers all-black hipster wedding ensembles. It appears that might not be the case.
Open Post: Hosted By Kristen Stewart And St. Vincent Making Their
Red Carpet Cobblestone Walkway Debut As A Couple
That looks like a still out of a Harry Potter spin-off movie about the incestuous lesbian love affair between Draco Malfoy’s long-lost hipster sister and Bellatrix Lestrange’s long-lost hipster sister. And yes, it’s directed by Sofia Coppola and Bon Iver scored the soundtrack.
About three weeks after it was rumored that Kristen Stewart’s twat had bid adieu to Alicia Cargile’s cooch and said bonjour to St. Vincent’s poon (Side note: In my mind, KStew’s chocha speaks broken French), the two went public with their love at the CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund show in L.A. yesterday.
TenCents has been a thing for about a month, and that may not seem like a long time, but in both Hollywood relationship time and Kristen Stewart time, that’s approximately 8 years. So I’m guessing that in the time it takes me to move my mouse cursor to the “publish” button and click it, a BREAKING NEWS report will pop up saying that St. Vincent was spotted moving her shit out of KStew’s house as KStew’s new piece moves in. And yes, KStew’s new piece will be St. Vincent’s ex Cara Delawhatever. Hey, it’s not Kristen Stewart’s fault for having to get with her ex’s ex. There’s only so many famous and semi-famous hipster gayelles to choose from!
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
Stalking expert Kristen Stewart showed up for the New York Film Festival premiere of Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime
Title Walk dressed like Prince. I applaud this look even though it makes my heart ache for what was. From the New Romantic/Patrick Nagel face makeup situation to the full Purple Rain lace experience devouring her upper body, she really classed that premiere up by paying homage to Prince Rogers Nelson. She got one thing wrong, though. Prince would NEVER have needed safety pins to secure ANY of his clothing. He was so sexy magnetic that his clothes wouldn’t think of not clinging to his every lusty move.
If there’s an official opening of the urn holding Prince’s ashes at the Paisley Park museum, Kristen needs to be presenting it. In that truly “I Would Die 4 U” outfit.
Check out more pics of Kristen Stewart at the premiere (as well as the trailer for Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk) below.