Category: Kristen Stewart

The “Charlie’s Angels” Reboot Has Found Its Angels

July 26, 2018 / Posted by:

When Charlie calls up his angels in the upcoming Charlie’s Angels reboot, he won’t hear Lupita Nyong’o purr “Good morning, Charlie” through the other end of the speaker receiver. But he will hear Kristen Stewart moan, “Why haven’t you, like, learned how to text yet. Like, no one uses the fucking phone anymore.

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Warner Bros. Might Be Trying To Get Kristen Stewart As “Batgirl”

July 26, 2018 / Posted by:

Over a year ago, it was announced that Joss Whedon would be making a Batgirl film for Warner Bros. and DC. Warner Bros. and DC have so many superhero films currently in the works, so none of their Batgirl decisions are anywhere close to being final. But according to GeekTyrant, they’ve settled on what they want their Batgirl to look like. They want Kristen Stewart. Congratulations, Ben Affleck – you’re potentially about to be downgraded to the second-most mumbly, unenthusiastic actor to slip on some rubber bat ears.

GeekTyrant picked up the scoop come from a Twitter user named Daniel R. That definitely sounds like a forecast of 90% chance of lies, but GeekTyrant can vouch for them. According to Daniel R, Warner Bros. wants an actress like Kristen Stewart.

Birds of Prey is the upcoming Harley Quinn & Friends movie. Of course, this is not to say Warner Bros. has sent a script and a contract over to KStew’s house with a delivery guy in a bat cape singing the 1960s Batman theme song. They just want a “Kristen Stewart prototype,” whatever that means. I’m taking it to mean that Warner Bros. really wants a moody Barbara Gordon who shrugs “Ugh, whatever” and rolls her eyes every time she sees the bat-signal go off in the sky. Although the word “prototype” is throwing me off. Are they implying that they’re currently building a robot that resembles Kristen Stewart? They might as well! It’s probably cheaper than hiring the real thing, and you won’t ever hear the robot complain that the costume isn’t Chanel.

Pic: Wenn.com

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Gird Your Twi-Loins: Kristen Stewart And Robert Pattinson Were Seen Together

June 6, 2018 / Posted by:

Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan failed while promoting Fifty Shades of Grey, because he didn’t leave his wife so that he could have a staged romance with her for the sake of selling tickets. Those two were so cold with each other you would have figured they were the ones in the vampire movie. It’s been a while since America lost its collective shit over a totally believable romance, and apparently, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart stealthily went to Chateau Marmont to let us reflect on (sing it, Babs!) the way we were. Continue reading

Open Post: Hosted By Kristen Stewart In A Sexy David S. Pumpkins Costume

October 17, 2017 / Posted by:

Just like Jennifer Lawrence and Reese Witherspoon, Kristen Stewart spoke about sexual harassment in Hollywood at last night’s Elle Women in Hollywood event and hocked a loogie at that “motherfuckerHarvey Weinstein without naming his name. And as she did that, she worked a stunning outfit straight from the Haus of What The Fuck. I know, you can always count on me to focus on what’s really important from an event.

KStew gave us the answer to the question: What do you get when you smoke a joint laced with Adderall before making an outfit from a church lady’s old white pantyhose, a Southern dandy’s Halloween suit, a lace bra and the black guts of a cassette? Vanity Fair tells me that KStew’s suit was made by designer Antonio Berardi. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen an Antonio Berardi outfit before, but I’ll still say that he outdid himself here. Antonio gave us a W when he put those shoulders cutouts in that blazer. He gave us a T when he covered those shoulder cutouts with old pantyhose. And he gave us an F when he rolled up those pants.

KStew’s outfit may look like an off-brand “sexy David S. Pumpkins” Halloween costume from Ricky’s, but it’s perfect for many other holidays too. If you’re sick of spending your Thanksgiving dinner listening to your relatives yell at each other, just wear this. They’ll be too busy wondering what the fuck you’re wearing to fight. It’ll bring the whole family together!

Pics: Wenn.com

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We May Soon Live In A World Where Kristen Stewart Is One Of Charlie’s Angels 

September 29, 2017 / Posted by:

It’s really, really time for Candy Finnigan of Intervention to gather all of Hollywood’s loved ones in the room of an economy hotel, and lead them in begging Hollywood to finally put down the crack pipe and get some help! Because they’ve gone too far when they start thinking about making Kristen Stewart a fucking Charlie’s Angel!

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Tiger Woods Is Threatening To Sue Whoever Leaked His Nudes

August 22, 2017 / Posted by:

Sometime in the past few days, nude photos of Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn, Katharine McPhee, Miley Cyrus, Kristen Stewart, and Stella Maxwell hit the internet. I’m not going to link any of the pics here (I’ll let you make that journey on your own if you’re so inclined). But here’s what you need to know: it was sort of like The Fappening, but this time with sports penis. That penis belongs to Tiger Woods, and TMZ says he’s beyond pissed that someone leaked a picture of his trouser iron onto the internet.

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