When Kristen Stewart isn’t busy mistaking being a badass with being an asshole, she still inexplicably gets acting jobs. The Daily Mail generously described Kristen as “quite emotional” with Sam Waterston on the set of her latest film “Anesthesia”, which is an apt name since she usually looks like she got into a slap fight with a syringe full of numbing agent and never recovered. (Sorry, Kristen, but Tim Conway did it better.)
KStew reached down into her acting bag of tricks (that has about as much range as the busted wireless router in a McDonald’s PlayPlace) and pulled out a facial expression that could mean anything from elation to sadness to needing a wardrobe change because she gambled with a fart and lost. You won’t even have to see the film to guess she squeezes out a tear, bites her lip and fights the urge to take that hat off to run her fingers through hair that looks like it was styled with Crisco, all while delivering lines that undoubtedly sound like she’s vomiting up commas.
The Mail’s article also said Kristen might be back to pit lickin’ shenanigans with Robert Pattinson after the two were seen leaving his gated community after a four hour fuckfest last week. Where’s Cher when you need her to deliver an epic Moonstruck slap and “SNAP OUT OF IT!”? This isn’t Brokeback Mountain and Rob is no Jack Twist, so give the “I wish I knew how to quit you” bullshit a rest.
(Pics via Splash)
The pimp of the Oscars Harvey Weinstein became Kristen Stewart’s pimp for a second last year during the 12.12.12 concert which benefited Hurricane Sandy relief. The Weinstein Company produced a concert documentary about 12.12.12 and during a discussion after a screening of the movie at the Toronto International Film Festival yesterday, Harvey told everyone that a huge donation came from a Middle Eastern prince who just wanted to “sit” with Kristen Stewart for a few minutes. During the concert, the unnamed prince offered up thousands of dollars for just one meeting with KStew who was a presenter at the event. When Harvey told KStew that a prince was going to throw down a giant donation to hang out with her, she immediately said the words that every good ho says after getting a proposition, “How much?”
According to HuffPo, Harvey said that after some back and forth, the prince finally agreed to donate $500,000 for a 15-minute-long meeting with KStew. The prince paid upfront and he, KStew and a bunch of bodyguards sat together for 15 minutes.
Nothing says “I’ve got fuckit money like nobody else’s got fuckit money” like pulling $500,000 out of your checking account to hang out with Kristen Stewart of all people for 15 minutes. That was probably the most awkward 15 minutes of KStew’s life and that’s saying a lot since every second of her life is awkward. I was going to make some joke about how KStew wanted to kiss Harvey Weinstein’s ass by having dry butt sex with a Middle Eastern prince for a $500k donation, but they probably just sat there for 15 minutes without saying a word. The prince creepily stared at her while she bit her lip and blinked incessantly like she was about to have a mild stroke.
I swear, some rich bitches are so weird. Giving $500,00 to charity is a good thing, but giving it because Kristen Stewart agreed to sit with you for 15 minutes? That prince must have a serious, serious lip biting fetish.
No, it’s not Skrillex, because if it was Skrillex, you would’ve immediately squirted jizz from your nipples. The real Skrillex is a sex nymph who has that effect on most hos. It’s Kristen Stewart telling her best friends forever, the paps, to pull her finger (or something like that) while walking around Berlin yesterday. She looks like the least popular member of a failed My Bloody Valentine cover band who had to get a job delivering pizzas and isn’t happy about it. She looks like she smells like burnt grease, musty balls and an old ash tray. Bitch has that butch swag. In other words, in the right lighting and after a 6-pack or 2, I’d probably hit it.
It’s been approximately five minutes since Lindsay Lohan was released back into the wild and we’ve already had several servings of her pink nipples, heard about how the sweet nectar is her arch rival and now her 4th annual post-rehab comeback tour continues! On Chelsea Lately tonight, a leather balloon full of vodka will be replaced with a leather balloon full of Adderall sludge when Lindsay Lohan sits in for Chelsea Handler.
The episode was shot last week and E!’s been slowly queefing out clips including one of LiLo knocking the married man mouth off of Kristen Stewart’s cookie box. LiLo brought up that clip of KStew blowing an air kiss of love at the paps and then slightly burned that trick by saying:
Kristen Stewart told off paparazzi this week and there’s a video of this on TMZ. She’s hiding behind a gate, waiting to get into a car, and she said, “You’re a piece of shit and you don’t deserve the same air that I do.” Yeah, I’m just excited that Kristen Stewart finally showed some emotion. But I really love her, she’s awesome. I love her. I’m a Kristen Stewart fan. I will say this, of course she hates photographers, they took a picture of her kissing a married man in a MINI Cooper.
Don’t worry, KStew didn’t feel that slightly lukewarm burn since her skin is permanently numb and she’s dead inside. And yeah, I know LiLo calling out a trick for getting caught with a married bitch is rich, but let’s look at the positive side of all of this. LiLo was actually coherent enough to read a pre-written joke off of a card and she didn’t once roll up the card and use it to snort up a line. LILO’S BACK!
And here’s LiLo looking like a nervous naranja in a preview of her interview with The Mighty O.
After Robert Pattinson made every delusional, crazed Twihard tattoo #ROBSTENISFOREVERUNBROKEN onto their hymens by breaking up with Kristen Stewart, he was seen hanging around Katy Perry and there was a rumor that he was drying his heartbroken tears on the Kleenexes that shoot out of her tits. (Yes, add “Kleenex” to the long list of things that shoot out of Katy Perry’s tits.) But Katy Perry tells Elle UK (via The Daily Mail) that she never tit hugged RPattz’s sparkle rod and she was just trying to be his friend. Katy Perry told Elle that she texted KStew to let a trick know and she also told Elle exactly what she texted to KStew, because NOTHING IS SACRED (not even a dumb text from Katy Perry to KStew).
“I sent her a text message saying: ‘I know you’ve seen all this stuff but you know I would never disrespect you. I’m not that person. I’m just trying to be a friend to him but it is unfortunate that I do have a set of tits.’”
After KStew read that text, she bit her lip, wondered what Katy meant by “that person,” shrugged, threw her phone to the side, grabbed her married trick’s head and shoved it back into her snatch.
Katy also talked about singing yeast infection John Mayer and she kind of admitted that he dumped her ass.
“He pulled away. That was a big hello for me. I realised I could lose the person I loved and I had to deal with some things, issues I think a lot of women have. You can be strong in one aspect of your life but submissive in another.”
Oh, Katy…. When John Mayer pulls away, take that as a sign from the gods that they’re looking out for you, your coochie and your money since you’ll save a lot of cash on medical bills and topical ointments. Didn’t Katy Perry get the obvious hint from her chocha when John Mayer pulled away and it let out the biggest queef of relief?
And finally, Katy said this about RiRi:
“I love her and every time I see her, I’m reminded of the light that she has. There’s a lot of dark in this business. I know a lot of people out there with the most detrimental entourages – they are the root of their demise. It’s really unfortunate but you can’t save these people. My days of celebrity saving are over!”
I think what she meant by that is, every time she sees RiRi, that bitch is lit up. And speaking of lit up, some of you who live in L.A. aren’t reading this right now, because you were blinded after you made the mistake of looking out your window and staring at the blinding golden peen truck that announced the release date of Katy’s new album “Prism.” Or maybe this is Katy Perry’s way of letting us know that she’s been Edward Snowden the entire time.
Because I have the humor of a 6-year-old whose greatest joy in life is making armpit farts at the table, I cackled while watching the paparazzi laugh at the “I Heart Rob” they wrote on Kristen Stewart’s dusty, filthy, dirty ass pickup truck. The paps and KStew continued their love for each other when the paps decorated her truck with that love note and she said “fuck you” to them before driving away. I don’t think KStew saw their love note. She just always says “fuck you” to the paps. It’s the way she greets them. She’s 50 Cent and the paps are his 16-year-old son. “Fuck you” is how they say hello.
But seriously, that was kind of a shitty thing for the paps to do. Do they know how much work it takes to get KStew’s hipster mobile looking that gross? KStew’s full-time personal car dirtier (sort of like a car washer, but the opposite) spends hours meticulously sprinkling fresh dust all over her pickup truck so she looks like she’s so real and doesn’t care. The paps ruined their work! No respect!
Well, at least KStew can easily change that truck tattoo to read “I Heart RobbingYourHusbandsDick” or “I Heart BobbingMyCrotchOnMyDirectorsFace.”
After pictures of RPattz riding around in his pickup truck with Lisa Marie Presley’s daughter Riley Keough came out, her “close friend” told The Daily Mail that they have seen a little bit of liquid glitter trickling out of the side of her mouth and that’s because she’s sucked off the sparkle rod.
24-year-old Riley and 27-year-old RPattz first met a few years ago when she played Cherie Currie’s sister in The Runaways, which Kristen Stewart was in. They stayed friendly but didn’t start to really hang out (read: 69 until their parts go raw) until they ran into each other and some Dior event last month. RPattz is currently the face of Dior Homme and Riley used to be the face of Dior Cherie. The Daily Mail says that Riley, who was engaged to Alex Petmyfur at one point, “bears a striking resemble” to KStew. The Daily Mail is so right. If you scrubbed KStew down several times with industrial-strength Zep, changed her face, dyed her hair ginger and I looked at her without my contacts in, she’d totally look like Riley Keough.
The Daily Mail’s source says that Riley and RPattz have only been doing each other for a short time and it’s more of a casual thing than something long-term.
“They’re inseparable. Rob loves the fact that Riley is Elvis’s granddaughter – that’s true Rock’n'Roll royalty in his eyes. [Their relationship is] short-term lust right now rather than long-term love’. Riley was always Kristen’s friend dating back from their time filming The Runaways but recently Rob and Riley been spending much more time together since meeting through their Dior modeling connection and Riley has stayed over at Rob’s Los Feliz apartment. They have a lot in common- they both love LA, London, rock music and table tennis.”
Meanwhile, Kristen Stewart’s emotional scale went from “…. … drool…..” to “AAAAAAAAAHFUCKER” when she found out that Riley’s humping on RPattz. KStew has always felt like Riley’s mentor (???) and she feels violated by RPattz. KStew has every right to feel violated. Finding out that some chick you were in a movie with once is doing your ex-boyfriend is so much worse than finding out that your girlfriend got her coochie munched on by a married man in her Mini Cooper.
But whatever, we all know what’s really going on here. RPattz is obviously just using Riley to get closer to the purest rose of Graceland: PRISCILLA PRESLEY!
He played a vampire in a bunch of dumb movies, she’s a vampire in real life. He can make a Twihard’s coochie explode just by winking and if she had the ability to move her eyelids, she could make a mere mortal’s soul explode just by winking. It’s meant to be.
The plastic flowers from Big Lots you keep on your desk (because you’re elegant like that) just shriveled up, turned black and died. Every kitten on the expired 2011 kitten calendar that hangs on your cubicle wall let out a final meow of sadness before turning into a pile of grey dust. That delicious hot cinnamon roll next to you just morphed into a pile of dried dog shit covered in frosting. And all of that happened because Gloom and fucking Doom here sucked all the joy out of the room through your screen.
Michael Pitt and Kristen Stewart sat next to each other in the front row at the Chanel couture show in Paris today and they tried hard to out-sour face each other. If they talked at all, they probably only communicated through grunts, moans and Morrissey lyrics.
Black hair dye is not Michael Pitt’s friend. He looks like a strung out impersonator who is struggling over whether he should be a Criss Angel look-alike, a Michael Jackson look-alike or a Roy Horn look-alike. He’s going to be a little of all three before he makes a final decision. Little boys AND tigers are running away from his ass. And KStew…. I know that jacket she’s wearing is worth more than my life, but I swear you can get the same thing in the old ladies section at Palais Royal. Short-sleeved blazers only look good on 60-something church ladies passing out the donation basket on a hot Sunday morning.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and try to lure the sun back with a picture of Prince Hot Ginge since these two glum bitches scared it away.
….and then Kristen Stewart lifted her tear-stained face, looked at the unicorn on Taylor Swift’s
shirt and screamed, “Those used to dance in his magical forest hair!” ….And then Kristen Stewart wiped away her tears, stared at her hand and screamed, “I didn’t know I had the ability to make these.”
UsWeekly’s fanfiction department reports that yesterday afternoon, Kristen Stewart and a friend drove to Taylor Swift’s house in Beverly Hills after visiting another friend’s house. A source says that KStew and her friend spent all day there before driving back to her house.
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!
Well, it probably means that Taylor Swift ran out of famous (or famous-ish) white dudes to date and write songs about, so now she’s writing about other people’s break-ups instead. She already got a few songs out of Selena Gomez and now she’s moving on to Kristen Stewart’s latest break-up. (WARNING: Taylor Swift’s next album will have a Twatlight theme.) This also means that the unicorn and rainbows wallpaper in Taylor’s Lisa Frank-themed parlor slid off the walls, because that much insufferableness in one room could melt hardened glue.
Or maybe Taylor just wanted to mend KStew’s broken heart with a little, good old-fashioned scissoring.
I’m typing this from a make-shift raft made out of a door, because all of the Twihards have flooded the world with their tears after finding out that ROBSTEN ARE BROKEN (For now)!!!!!! You’d think that all of the Twihards would’ve cried out all the water in their bodies when Kristen Stewart did dry butt sex with Rupert Sanders, but I guess they must’ve replenished their fluids since then, because they are crying like they’ve never cried before! People (aka Voice of the Publicist Weekly) has announced that RPattz is done with smearing his hobo cheese all over Kristen Stewart’s body for now. Just like KStew and RPattz, People’s article about this shit is kind of awkward and wishy washy:
As rumors of relationship trouble continue to swirl, a source tells PEOPLE that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have called it quits after more than three years of dating. Reps for the two could not be reached.
But the source says it would not be surprising if the on-and-off-again pair got back together again.
What I’m taking that to mean is that since the final Twatlight movie is already out on DVD, their contract is expired EXPIRED and they might renegotiate….. but she’s going to smoke a few bowls (or a few hundred bowls) and think about it. They’ll get back together whenever one of them has some shit to promote. But right now, the only thing I care about is Nutty Madam’s response to this shit:
Nutty Madam has either exploded and pieces of her are falling all over Britain right now or she’s hiding in the bushes in front of RPattz’s house and is ready to attack him now that he’s single.