And just like that, a giant basket filled with freshly-baked L. Rons and a card reading “XO – Your pals at the Scientology center” appeared on Kristen Stewart’s doorstep.
Totally over-it teenager cosplayer Kristen Stewart is currently hustling her new movie Equals. From what I’ve gleaned in about 0.2 seconds of research, Equals is sort of like Logan’s Run meets Zardoz meets Kristen Stewart’s real-life personality. Basically it’s about a bunch of people in the future who have no emotions. According to The Daily Beast, the emotionless future people in Equals is an allegory for the pilled-up teens of today. That might sound like a bit of a reach, but not to KStew.
I’m not being facetious either (that may be the only time I use a smart person word here, so enjoy it). Semi-professional Daria impersonator Kristen Stewart and her one-time rumored-to-be-banging buddy Nicholas Hoult walked the red carpet for Equals at the Venice Film Festival last night, and since the name of their movie is Equals, they both served up equal amounts of good-looking eleganza.
Obviously, Nicholas Hoult is a hot plate of bangers and mash who could still dampen pants if he showed up in a pair of dirty Zubaz and an Ed Hardy shirt. But he chose to wear a tuxedo, because Nicholas Hoult cares about the material in your spank bank. Meanwhile, living frown KStew is giving you old money Transylvania debutante for your nerves. She looks like an animatronic from The Haunted Mansion ride if it was renovated by Liberace’s interior designer. Which is to say, she looks great.
They also kind of look like artsy rich kids who don’t give a single fuck going to their fancy-ass rich kid prom. KStew has this look on her face that’s like “Yeah, I borrowed this dress from my great aunt, who is like the Queen of Denmark or something. My mom told me it’s worth like, $30,000, but I’m like, who cares, mom. And Nicholas is wearing a tux to be ironic. We’re totally skipping the after-party on Brent’s yacht and having our driver take us to Taco Bell instead.”
Here’s more of KStew and Nicholas looking all fancy on the red carpet at the VFF premiere of Equals yesterday. I’ve also included some pics of KStew with her bare feet out after she yanked off her bougie Louboutins, because of course she did that.
Tami Taylor’s like I’m just going to keep smiling and being beautiful and get away from her sullen ass as quickly as possible. That headline is a fallacy. Kristen Stewart actually SMILES in some of these pics. I think dating a woman (GOOGLE IT) has brought something out in her. Vagina is uplifting, soothing, and centering. Or so I’ve heard.
Here’s a mass of pics from the American Ultra premiere last night at the Ace Theater in LA. Jesse Eisenberg plays a government killing machine who’s been brainwashed to believe he’s a stoner convenience store clerk. The Funyons fly when he snaps out of it. KStew plays his girl. That must have been a fun set for co-star Connie Britton. Neither of those leads seem like the kind of people with whom you can joke around. Eisenberg seems like he’d be constantly concerned about his wig placement and always on the phone with his therapist.
You’ll also note that Stewart’s OTHER dude from Twilight, Taylor Lautner, was there. The male TayTay is looking slightly less pristine than usual. It’s possible he’s experiencing career misery. His next role is in Adam Sandler’s next pile of shit. That’s the movie that’s still in the production stages and has already offended Native Americans and Rose McGowan. That sort of gig probably sucks the Sean Cody right out of a guy’s look.
Check out the gallery below for more pics of Kristen and Connie Britton, as well as pics of Eisenberg, Lautner, Ashley Hinshaw, Topher Grace, someone named Johnny Deluca who I only included because he’s kind of cute and I’m shallow, Jason Ritter, John Leguizamo (and his kids), Rachel Roy, Tony Hale, Max Landis (who is obviously feeling ignored because he’s the screenwriter), and Into The Woods actor Billy Magnussen who is normally smokin’ hot but here looks like he’s done too much nitrous.
It’s pretty obvious that Kristen Stewart is bumping vagines with Alicia Cargile, but she hasn’t exactly posed for a “Yup, I Love Puss” cover of People Magazine. In an interview with Nylon to promote that American Ultra movie, the humanized drool stain made it perfectly clear that she’s not going to come running out of the closet while waving a rainbow flag, because she’s not in the closet and she’s not going to confirm she’s bi unless she’s ready to be an advocate or some shit.
KStew sort of quoted Courtenay Semel when she said to Google her, you dumb fuck, if you want to know if she’s into coochie.
“Google me, I’m not hiding. If you feel like you really want to define yourself, and you have the ability to articulate those parameters and that in itself defines you, then do it. But I am an actress, man. I live in the fucking ambiguity of this life and I love it. I don’t feel like it would be true for me to be like, ‘I’m coming out!’ No, I do a job. Until I decide that I’m starting a foundation or that I have some perspective or opinion that other people should be receiving…I don’t. I’m just a kid making movies.
I think in three or four years, there are going to be a whole lot more people who don’t think it’s necessary to figure out if you’re gay or straight. It’s like, just do your thing.”
Well, if you Google, “Is Kristen Stewart bi-sexual?“, the front page has a few headlines including “Kristen Stewart Is Bisexual” and “Kristen Stewart Is Not Bisexual.” If you Google, “Does Kristen Stewart like coochie?”, you get a bunch of posts from Dlisted, a shady site you should never trust. So I’m more confused than ever. Googling her didn’t clear anything up! But wait..
Nylon also asked the mouth breathing definition of ANGST if she still talks to Robert Pattinson and she said:
“That’s not something I would ever talk to the fucking public about—that’s crazy.”
Hmmm… KStew didn’t talk about RPattz, because if she did, a sparkle would pop up in her blank eyes and she’d melt into the chair while thinking about the baby they’re raising together in secret in a hidden cabin in the woods. #RobstenIsStillUnbroken. We’re on to you, KStew!
Despite the fact that Kristen Stewart’s general energy level on any given day is equal to that of a sloth on Ambien, she says that she used to be high-strung and anxious, but she’s not anymore. Jet lag in human form told Marie Claire (via People) that she’s a relaxed, wiser KStew now that she’s older.
“Between ages 15 and 20, it was really intense. I was constantly anxious. I was kind of a control freak. If I didn’t know how something was going to turn out, I would make myself ill, or just be locked up or inhibited in a way that was really debilitating.
I’m really proud that I am able to move forward and not fall into every mental crater. That’s a new thing for me. Age has made me smarter and calmer. And it is fucking awesome.”
KStew is only 25, so at the rate she’s going, she’ll be a Solitudes CD by the time she’s 30. But just because she’s calmer doesn’t mean she’s 100% chill. Hollywood’s perpetually pissed-off stepdaughter also managed to hiss a subtle “fuck off” to the members of Team Long Hair.
“My hair was such a crutch. I looked quote unquote ‘sexy’ no matter what. I could hide behind it. As soon as I didn’t have all that hair, I had to let my face hang out. I felt more confident than I had in a really long time. And it felt really good. Maybe to most people long hair is prettier. But then what? Is your main goal in life to be desired? That is boring as fuck.”
She also went on to confess that being older means not apologizing as much either.
“Lately, I’ve been doing less of the ‘I’m sooooo sorry.’ And more of the ‘No. Fuck. Jesus.'”
As a Canadian person, I’m sure my brain would explode Scanners-style if I replaced “I’m sorry” with “No. Fuck. Jesus.” Speaking of apologies, someone at Marie Claire owes KStew one for damn near Photoshopping the KStew completely out of her face in the pictures below.
UPDATE: Kristen Stewart’s mom told UsWeekly that she talked to the Mirror about her movie and other stuff, but didn’t say anything about what her daughter’s chocha is up to nowadays. Jules Stewart claims that she only said that Alicia Cargile is a “lovely girl” when asked if they’ve met. Uh huh.
Kristen Stewart has apparently been bumping hipster hobo ‘ginas with her personal assistant Alicia Cargile for a while, but her mouth lips haven’t commented on the adventures of her other lips and probably because she figures those pictures of them holding hands is proof enough that they’re together. Besides, KStew doesn’t need to say it when her mother can do it for her. THANKS MOM!
The Sunday Mirror claims that they interviewed KStew’s mom, writer/director Jules Stewart. At first they talked about the wolves Jules raises on a ranch in Santa Monica. (So yeah, if you’ve ever said that KStew acts like she was raised by wolves, you were right!) But then they got to talking about who’s currently munching on KStew’s coochie box in a Mini Cooper. Jules confirmed that KStew is with Alicia now.
“What’s not to be accepting about her now having a girlfriend? She’s happy. She’s my daughter, I’m just her mom so she knows I would accept her choices. I’ve met Kristen’s new girlfriend, I like her. What’s not to accept? She’s a lovely girl. I feel like people need to be free to love whoever they want. I accept that my daughter loves women and men. It’s OK to be who you are in my world. We all choose our friends so we should be free to choose our lovers. People are good to do whatever they like as long as they’re not hurting people or breaking the law. I have gay friends, family members, I’m accepting of people, we are all free to choose who we want to love.”
Jules went on to say that all the “public stuff” ruined KStew’s relationship with Robert Pattinson and she’s really happy right now.
The whole interview falls directly under the file marked, “Suspect As Fuck.” I mean, would KStew’s mom really out her as bi to a British tabloid? Either KStew missed an allowance payment and Jules had to pay the bills by selling a story to the tabloids. Or this is a fake interview to keep us sheeple from figuring out the truth: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are still together! (That second thought is sponsored by The Federation of Batshit Crazy Robsten Fans.)
I also threw two side-eyes at Jules saying that Kristen Stewart is “happy” right now. I refuse to believe that the human definition of Emo feels other emotions besides “ugh.” Nice try, though, “Jules.”
Here’s Kristen Stewart and her girlfriend giving you truck stop glamour in L.A. on June 6th.
In the same interview with Harper’s Bazaar where Kristen Stewart calls Hollywood “disgustingly sexist,“ she shits all over the Botoxed and rotated faces of women who have had their mugs touched by a plastic surgeon’s scalpel. Kristen Stewart may have the charisma of a hollow plastic mannequin, but she’ll never ever have a plastic face. Harper’s Bazaar asked KStew if she’d ever get plastic surgery and Our Lady of Reasonable Thoughts could’ve just said, “Plastic surgery ain’t for me,” and left it at that, but she wouldn’t be Kristen Stewart if she did that.
Keeping Up with the Kartrashians is already a terrifying shit show, but to KStew it’s probably extra terrifying, because rubber spatula faces scare her. KStew said that any woman who gets plastic surgery is insane and has vandalized her own face.
“No, never. Never. I am so freaked out by the idea of doing anything. And maybe that’s completely arrogant but I don’t want to change anything about myself. I think the women who do are losing their minds. It’s vandalism.”
Whatever, bitch, Jocelyn Wildenstein’s beautifully vandalized face is a work of HIGH ART and you can’t tell me otherwise.
According to the dictionary, the definition of “vandalism” is:
Willful or malicious damage or destruction of the property of another.
So either Kristen Stewart doesn’t know what that word means or she’s strangely religious and thinks that our faces belong to THE LORD. Whatever the case may be, I wonder how she feels about tricks getting bootleg tattoos of Picasso’s work inked into their arm, because to me that shit is a real crime.
Well, it looks like the never-ending after school slap fight between Kristen Stewart and the general idea of being famous is still going strong. In case you haven’t gathered from the fact that Kristen Stewart flips the paps off every chance she gets and has compared fame to being raped, she doesn’t exactly love being famous. In fact, she thinks it’s the worst. Like, the worst worst. To put it into context, picture Jean-Ralphio Saperstein screaming “The wooooorst” into the world’s largest megaphone, then times that by 1 billion. KStew admitted in this month’s issue of Harper’s Bazaar UK (via Daily Mail/EW) that there is really nothing worse than being famous, and swats at everyone who would want to be.
I know she may look like she’s two seconds away from doing the full body sadness slump into a pile of Robert Pattinson’s old greasy-pitted t-shirts, but apparently that’s actually Kristen Stewart’s face’s way of communicating serene happiness. According to People, KStew isn’t bothered by the fact that her former partner in real life Twilight fan fiction fuckery has given his girlfriend of 6 months an engagement ring. A source (Hi Alicia Cargile!) says that when KStew found out about the possibility of FKA Twigs becoming Mrs. FKA Twigs-Pattz, she just sort of shrugged her shoulders and continued practicing her scowl in the mirror:
“Kristen is doing fine, working and traveling, and she will survive Robert’s engagement. She has her own life and has moved on. Kristen lives a much more low-key life now and seems happier. It was obvious that she was struggling with the media attention [during her relationship with Rob].”
I’m sure reading that made those last few Twihards so furious their hands couldn’t even type out the words “LIAR! KRISTEN IS WEEPING TEARS OF PURE SADNESS, I KNOW IT!” without wanting to whip their keyboards halfway across the room. But I believe it. Like Kristen even cares that her ex might be getting married? Or even cares about marriage at all? She totally seems like the type who would show up to her own wedding day in a pair of ripped black jeans and a Joy Division shirt like with a Marlboro red hanging out of the corner of her mouth, hissing “Okay, let’s get this over with” before chugging an entire bottle of champagne. Actually, that sounds like a super fun wedding.
Seen above already practicing the frazzled constipation face that every Woody Allen character must make, Cesar award-winning actress (that is not a typo) Kristen Stewart will star in the noted creeper fart’s next movie. Hide every MINI Cooper now. Hide them all.
Even though Woody Allen’s last movie Turd in the Moonlight was a critical flop, he’s still farting up a movie a year like he’s done since before Methuselah was born. The shriveled worm has a movie called Irrational Man, which stars Emma Stone and Joaquin Phoenix, coming out this year and he’s already starting to put together his project for 2016. Deadline says that Woody has cast Kristen Stewart, Jesse Eisenberg and Christina Hendricks’ right chichi, Bruce Willis, in the lead roles. Jesse Eisenberg was in To Rome With Love. KStew and Bruce have never worked with Woody before. This will also be the third time KStew and Jesse Eisenberg are in a movie together. They are UGH’s answer to Bogie and Bacall.
As with most of Woody’s movies, everyone signed on without seeing a script. There is no plot and there is no title. Like we need to be told what it’s going to be about. We already know it’s going to be about a bunch nervous white people and their problems. You can also expect a scene where KStew and Bruce Willis touch tongues so get ready to heave.
And every crew member who is going to work on this movie better find a way to get a bottomless Xanax prescription, because they’re going to need it. Kristen Stewart is a stuttering, tweaker on Ambien mess and Woody Allen is a stuttering, neurotic mess, so watching them communicate will drive anyone to a nervous breakdown.