In honor of it being the first night of Hanukkah, 9 days till Christmas, and 3 hours till I fall into a diabetic coma from drinking six gallons of eggnog, here’s the always festive and joyful Kristen Stewart getting into the holiday spirit by flipping off the paps. Oh, KStew – it’s the most wonderful tiiiiime of the year, and you’re still the most sullen of sullen teens. Even that mopey bummer Charlie Brown is like “Damn bitch, who pissed in your peppermint latte?”
KStew delivered her lovely handmade gift to the paps on Sunday after they spent the day following her around Los Feliz while she got coffee with her BFF Alicia Cargile. How thoughtful of her! That’s a really great present. You know, I still need to get a last-minute gift for the asshole who keeps backing into my car and putting dents in my license plate, and I think a middle finger would be perfect. Then again, I’ve got this sneaking suspicion they already got one this year.
And I know that everyone talks about KStew having the acting range of a damp piece of plywood, but you can’t say the same about her bird-flipping hand. It’s delivering so much raw emotion: anger, rage, fury, frustration. Is it too early to reboot the Twilight series and cast KStew’s bird-flipping hand as Bella? I would watch that.
Here’s KStew before she stuffed the paps’ stockings with cunty cheer, dressed like a goth stay-at-home dad while getting coffee:
Also, if you’ve always wanted to see Bendandsnap Culohatch touch mouths with Laura Jeanne Poon, then you’re a sucio, kinky fuck. The next time I type “felching” into PornHub, I’ll tell myself not to feel too gross since out there in the world are messes more depraved than me. The kind of messes who get the tingles from watching these to go at it with their mouths.
It’s that time of year again when actors who want an Oscar work it like their pimp is in jail and they gotta bail him out before morning. Every year, The New York Times Magazine answers the question “Which actors are so hard up for an Oscar that they’ll do whatever we say?” by putting out a bunch of artsy videos starring some Oscar hopefuls. This year they took 17 of this year’s “best actors” (and Kristen Stewart) and paired them up together in kissing scenes. B. Cums and Reese got paired up and this is what their kiss looks like:
When I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade we went on a field trip to the zoo and we got to watch a zookeeper feed an iguana pieces of butternut squash. That iguana was all about the butternut squash. So while watching B. Cums and Reese kiss, I kept waiting for him to show his lizard self by trying to bite off her chin after mistaking it for a butternut squash.
The rest of the RIVETING videos are after the cut. If you need to know names before you commit by clicking, the kissing hos include: Kristen Stewart, Rosario Dawson, Patricia Arquette, Chadwick Boseman, Jack O’Connell, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Miles Teller, Julianne Moore and more. You can pull your pants up and put the lube away, because there is man-on-man mouth action but it’s not between Chadwick and Jack.
Professional mopey person Kristen Stewart got some attention last Friday night by flashing her nipple bits while presenting Julianne Moore with a Hollywood Film Award, and causing everyone watching at home to mentally present her with the award for Messiest Female Performance (Messiest Male of course went to Johnny Depp). But according to Hollywood Life, Kristen doesn’t give a rat’s hot ass that her titty Skittles made a surprise appearance during a fancy award show. A source close to Kristen (that dejected gopher on her head) said:
“She is not worried about it. It’s not a big deal. If people want to see her naked, she’d rather it be from the movies she has done with nudity, but this happened and she has already forgotten about it. It’s not like the Fappening and certainly not the worst thing cameras have caught from her. Not a big deal at all.”
I’m sure that “worst thing cameras have caught” the source is referring to is getting caught letting a married director snack on her taco salad in a Mini Cooper, but I choose to believe it’s getting caught looking like Chuckie Finster’s busted coke-snorting half-sister.
So Scowly McWhatever doesn’t care that you saw her nipples…or does she??? Celeb Dirty Laundry seems to think KStew orchestrated the whole thing in an attempt to rebrand herself and get better movie roles. That sneaky human shoulder shrug! But why would she have to flash her nipz to do that? Maybe KStew is trying to score the lead role in Lifetime’s Not Without My Nipples: The Scout Willis Story or something.
But if she is, in fact, trying to rebrand herself as “Not Just The Mopey Hipster Chick From Twilight“, maybe she should start by not always looking like the mopey hipster chick from Twilight? Or at the very least, not the mopey hipster dude from Twilight. Here’s Kristen looking like a lazy cosplay of Robert Pattinson at LAX yesterday:
Kristen Stewart’s Nipples Tried To Make A Break For It While Presenting Julianne Moore With A Hollywood Film Award
Because the Hollywood Film Awards are apparently the famous people equivalent of a messy office Christmas party (see: Johnny Depp playing the part of the dude who gets fired for guzzling two bottles of JD and dry humping the Xeorox machine), it’s no surprise that a pair of nipples made an appearance. Because really, a party’s not a party until someone’s tits accidentally pop out of their dress, right?
During the presentation of the Hollywood Actress Award to Julianne Moore, the white part of Kristen Stewart’s dress decided to quit this bitch and slowly slide down her chest. Thankfully she was wearing that grey mesh dickie thing, so her mopey nipple bits remained sort of obscured. In true Kristen fashion, she was all “Meh, whatever” about it, and kept going. Apathy waits for no nip slip!
I’m all for a surprise guest appearance by a pair of nipples, but not like this. That janky chain mail shirt looks like it would chafe something awful! When KStew reached up to scratch that dead rodent living on her head and her dress started scraping against her left nipple, you could practically hear it screaming “NO NO NO NO PLEASE STAHP!” My own nipples just cringed thinking about it!
And Us Weekly seems to think the most embarrassing part of KStew’s impromptu titty show was that it happened with her ex in the audience. Ha! Like Robert Pattinson cares about KStew’s booby buttons! He’s too busy trying to decide if he should go full-on Medieval Hipster Monk and shave off the top half of his hair.
Here’s more of Kristen Stewart in that booby trap of a dress, as well as Hollywood Actress Award-Winner Julianne Moore:
Don’t you have to actually do something to take a break from it? NO! That’s mean! Kristen Stewart is an excellent actress. I’ve never seen a performer with such a broad emotional range: bored, sullen, mopey, melancholy, bored, tired. Sometimes The Perpetual Apathetic Shrug Machine looks like she’s not acting by showing no emotion at all! She’s THAT good. She’s so good, she’s told USA Today (via Us Weekly) that she’s decided to take a break and let other actors have a chance at all the sullen teenager parts in Hollywood so she can focus on her true calling: ART!
“I’m taking some time off because I’ve been working for two years. I’m an actor and that’s my art form, and because I started that so young, I’ve always felt intimidated and insufficient when I think about other forms of art I want to create.”
“I’m going to take so much time off. I’m going to buy a live-work space in downtown L.A. and I’m going to make some [stuff] with my hands. Literally, I made that decision a few weeks ago. I’m making a short film. I’m making a bunch of stuff. I don’t know how I’ll put it out. But I’m not going to hold it so preciously close to me. I write all the time.”
Oh, we’ve read the kind of poetry you’ve been writing, KStew, and it’s a goddamn REVELATION. I sincerely hope she finds a way to merge some spoken word into her art, because the art world truly needs more eloquent emo teen WTF-ery like “One honest day up on this freedom pole“. Ooh, maybe she’ll sculpt an actual freedom pole? And if I know anything about art (and I do, since I spent 4 years of my life in art school), then that pole will be a giant dick. When in doubt, make it a dick! Dicks are ~deep~.
But I’m a little concerned for Hollywood. What will they do now that the human grimace is temporarily retired? I don’t think there’s anyone grumpy enough to fill in for KStew, besides Grumpy Cat (and that pussy is already being worked harder than a Kardashian at an NBA event). Kristen’s first art piece should be a mopey-looking wooden sculpture of herself that she can rent out to studios to fill in for her. It will be like she never left!
While her ex-boyfriend is busy researching private islands in an attempt to get as far away from The Legion of Online Robsten Lunatics as humanly possible, Kristen Stewart might be spending her ennui-filled days and melancholy nights humping on her Equals co-star, Nicholas Hoult. Page Six says that The Perpetual Apathetic Shrug Machine and Jennifer Lawrence’s former partner in fucking were spotted “cozying up” at a Cinema Society party for her film Clouds of Sils Marie a few nights ago. I guess “cozying up” is the moody sullen teen version of “canoodling”? Ew, as IF Kristen would do something as mainstream as canoodling!
A source claims Kristen and Nicholas were “stuck together throughout the party“, which either means they’re humping or they literally got stuck together in a wacky 70s sitcom way. But since life is cruel and joyless, I’ll assume it means they’re humping or in the process of negotiating a hump.
Normally I have as many feelings for Kristen Stewart as Kristen Stewart has for everything (Meh, followed by Whatever), but I’m super psyched she might be hitting that. Get it, mopey girl! Nicholas Hoult is hot! He’s like a sexy grilled cheese sandwich (what? exactly). Let him turn that frown upside down! And yes, I’m talking about her down-there smile. I bet that when KStew stands over a mirror, she sees Grumpy Cat. But who knows? Post-Hoult, it’s probably smiling like a pageant queen. Or at least not frowning anymore. I don’t know if Kristen can technically smile without pulling a muscle, and that’s a muscle you don’t want to put out of commission if you’re banging a hot piece like Nicholas Hoult.
Speaking of smiling, here’s KStew attempting to smile for the cameras (“I will give you indifferent grimace, and that is all“) at the NY Film Festival premiere of Clouds with Juliette Binoche:
The Perpetual Apathetic Shrug Machine, Kristen Stewart, did a Q&A for her new film Camp X-Ray at the Apple store in Soho last night, and for some reason she decided to wear some sort of futuristic leather lederhosen. I know that Kristen is all about ~fashun~ while not giving a shit about ~fashun~, but I’m not entirely sure what is going on here, clothing wise. I think I’m looking at some kind of leather skort connected to a pair of redundant shoulder straps? You can’t see it from the back, but those straps go no where – they’re just connected to her shoulders. Sort of like those shirts you had in the 90s where a fake vest was sewn on to the front to make it look like you were wearing a vest? All that’s missing is a pair of suede cut-off cowboy ankle booties!
Krusten’s (drowsy-fingered typo that stays) janky haute NO-ture is making me feel so many things, and my brain isn’t sure which though to land on, so I’ve just decided to itemize all my thoughts. Keep it simple, right?
1. Kristen Stewart looks like a rollerskating waitress at a fake 50s diner meets The Hunger Games
2. Kristen Stewart looks like a an S&M candy striper
3. Kristen Stewart looks like one of my Barbies when I tried to make a dress out of an old vinyl placemat
4. Kristen Stewart looks like Penny Robinson from Lost In Space if Lost In Space was set in a goth club
I think that just about covers it. She also kind of reminds me of a trash bag figure skater, but that’s not even technically a thing, so it was cut from the list. Here’s more of Kristen being Kristen (Doge says: “Wow, much moody, so shrug“) at the Apple store last night:
The Twihards Are Still Pissed That Robert Pattinson Is Dating FKA Twigs, Start Trolling Her On Twitter
Even though the Twilight saga ended almost two years ago and even though it’s been a million years since Robert Pattinson quit humping on professional scowler Kristen Stewart, there are still some crazy Twihard fangirls out there clutching at their Edward Cullen and Bella Swan barbie dolls and weeping salty sparkly tears over the news that RPattz has moved on to British singer-songwriter FKA Twigs.
But because Twihards are the definition of ‘stunted’, they’ve started going after Rob’s new girlfriend in an attempt to scare her away. Unfortunately, they’re not mailing her their tear-matted Twilight dolls with a note written in glitter blood that says “RPATTZ IS TAKEN, TRY TAYLOR LAUTNER”. No, they’re much crazier than that; they’re being racist assholes on Twitter.
I didn’t know the #ROBSTENISUNBROKEN truthers were still a thing until CNN reported this morning that there’s another huge crack in the ozone layer from the high-pitched hot cries of woeful pain that the Robsten fangirls let out when seeing these pictures of Robert Pattinson holding hands with a trick who isn’t Kristen Stewart. They still will not believe. #ROBSTENISUNBROKEN will never become #ROBSTENISBROKEN. They will not let themselves believe that Rob is licking another trick’s armpit.
The former keeper of the Unicorn Forest, 28-yearold RPattz, has been dating 26-year-old British singer-songwriter FKA Twigs (born name: Tahliah Barnett) for a few weeks now and they’ve been papped hanging out in NYC. But just like I refuse to believe that Beverly Hills Teens got canceled and isn’t just on a really, really long hiatus, the Robsten fandom (yes, a little piece of my already dead soul dies more whenever I type “Robsten fandom”) refuses to believe that Robsten is out and SonWigs is in. But the hard truth stabbed them all in the hearts over the weekend when Instagram user shia_da posted pictures of RPattz and FKA Twigs holding hands while strolling on the beach in Venice, CA.
Ok, I am going to begin this post in an unusual way for DListed. I’m a guest and you know that guest who goes through your medicine cabinet and thinks you don’t hear them rifling through your spermicide and hemorrhoid cream? The guest who comments on your generic brand cream cheese and doesn’t use a coaster even though the fucking coasters ARE RIGHT THERE ON THE COFFEE TABLE AND CLEARLY NOT DECORATIVE? That’s me right now because I’m going to acknowledge two positives about Kristen Stewart’s interview in the September issue of Vanity Fair France. The first is that she looks really hot in the pics. The second is that she doesn’t come off as a COMPLETE asshole in the interview. In fact, she reads as a less petulant and stank Kristen Stewart than you’ve ever experienced.
Now that that’s out of the way, she DOES tend to suggest that she’s an amazing actress, and also blames any past bad acting on her part on her co-stars. So this is still finger-sucking malcontent Kristen Stewart and you’re still reading DListed in case you were wondering…