The red carpet premiere for Kristen Stewart’s second reason for being at Cannes, Personal Shopper, happened last night. And maybe KStew’s Cannes style strategy is that she does the exact opposite of whatever Red Carpet Barbie would do, because this is what she showed up in. I’ve got to slow-clap for KStew, because this look is doing it all. The eyes are fucked, the hair is fucked, the sleeves on that dress look like they’ve been fucked all night and got up for work early. Everything is a mess.
As I joked up top, Kristen is giving me Chicken Lady from The Kids in the Hall, but her look is more than that. It’s like the Chicken Lady if she went back to high school to get her diploma, started hanging out with Jerri Blank from Strangers With Candy, who convinces her that they could both make a killing if they dropped out and got into the homemade gasoline business. Of course, it doesn’t work out, so the Chicken Lady is forced to go back to sweeping up hair at a discount salon where the only hairstyle they have to reference comes courtesy of a Tiger Beat from 2002 with NSYNC-era Justin Timberlake on the cover.
The only thing I know about Personal Shopper is that it’s about ghosts and that people booed it when it was screened for critics on Monday. According to The Hollywood Reporter, people liked it a whole lot more last night then they did at the initial screening. Sure, people still booed. But they also apparently gave it a four-and-a-half minute long standing ovation. Then again, they could have just been applauding KStew for showing up to the premiere despite the fact that it looks like she should be back at her hotel trying to kill that pink eye with a bottle of prescription eye drops.
And I’m booing at Kristen Stewart for those sad, flaccid middle fingers. If you’re going to double flip a trick off, do it with feeling. Those middle fingers are like a sad, soft whisper. I’m surprised she gets so much ass with that tragic finger action. But I digress!
Now that KStew is done with promoting Cafe Society, the movie that turtle turd Woody Allen directed her in, she has moved on to pushing her other new movie Personal Shopper at Cannes. Personal Shopper was directed by Olivier Assayas, who directed her in Clouds of Sils Maria, and it’s about a personal shopper who is also a medium. Kristen Stewart as a ghost whisperer makes sense. The ghosts probably talk to her ass because they think she’s one of them: dead and cold. The movie’s reviews have been mixed, but many critics have said that Kristen Stewart gives the performance of her career, and I’m going to take that to mean that she blinks and lip bites like she’s never blinked and lip bit before.
Apparently, not everyone loved it and some audience members hit the screen with a wave of boos after it ended. Variety says that a press conference for the movie today, KStew rolled her eyes and said it was just a few people who booed. Olivier said that they probably booed because his movie’s ending is just too arty for them.
Stewart and the rest of the “Personal Shopper” cast interjected to note that the harsh reaction was not universal. “Hey, everyone did not boo,” Stewart said with a chuckle.
At another point, Assayas argued that the audience was put off by the film’s ambiguous closing. “It happens to me once in a while where people just don’t get the ending,” he said.
Booing at Cannes is kind of a thing. Pulp Fiction, Taxi Driver and The Tree of Life were all hit with boos when they screened at Cannes.
But are they sure the booing came from living humans? Are we sure those boos didn’t come from actual ghosts who were cheering over their kind getting some screen time? And I bet that Kristen Stewart loves that the movie was booed. She’d probably be grossed out if they clapped and gave the movie a standing ovation, because that would mean it’s loved by the mainstream and eww at that.
Here’s more of KStew at the photo call for Personal Shopper today.
Kristen Stewart and SoKo, the French singer who dresses like the youngest member of Kids Inc., stopped getting into some hipster clit wrestling with each other a few weeks ago, and it looks like KStew has rebound from her rebound with her ex-piece Alicia Cargile. Kristen and Alicia are currently in Cannes, as is SoKo. I don’t know how you say,”hipster lesbian love triangle alert,” in French, but I’m sure it sounds sexy and fancy.
While looking like the Bushwick version of Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres going to a funeral, KStew and Alicia went to the screening of American Honey at Cannes yesterday. They also held hands last night and Alicia carried KStew’s Vans for her. So either Alicia is back to being KStew’s assistant, or they’re back to fucking, or both. KStew and Alicia broke up sometime around October of last year, and then her coochie moved on to SoKo. After KStew and SoKo broke up, SoKo seemed to accuse her of cheating and passing her poon to another.
And now they’re all at Cannes together!
I see that Kristen Stewart still thinks she’s the real-life Shane from The L Word and I’m sure we’ll soon hear about how she’s Arianna Huffington’s hairstylist now and also fucked a mother and a daughter (please don’t let it be Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah). And since SoKo seems like she’s on the wrong side of crazy, the people at Cannes better put on plastic hooded ponchos, because the grease is going to fly when those three tussle on the red carpet.
Hours after Ronan Farrow spit on the media and Hollywood for supporting and pretty much ignoring the allegations against alleged PedoPolyp Woody Allen, his movie Cafe Society opened the Cannes Film Festival last night. Woody and the cast, including Kristen Stewart, Blake Lively and Jesse Eisenberg, were sitting in the audience when the host of the opening ceremony, French comedian Laurent Lafitte, leaped into the hearts of many by throwing a Roman Polanski joke at Woody:
“You’ve shot so many of your films here in Europe, and yet in the U.S. you haven’t even been convicted of rape. Thank you for coming tonight. Although it’s the least you could do. Your film isn’t even in competition. What’s the worst that could happen? … Or that it’s not as good as ‘Manhattan.’”
Woody wasn’t bothered by the joke, just like he wasn’t bothered by Ronan slamming him. But failed lifestyle blogger and Antebellum south-era enthusiast Blake NotSoLively was highly, highly offended by the jokes that came out of Laurent Lafitte’s offensive-making mouth.
Last week, The Hollywood Reporter devoted the cover to Woody Allen, and of course you know that, because you’re probably still trying to find ways to cleanse your mind of the memory of what he said about Soon-Yi. You can go ahead and take off “watch 25 ‘kitten playing with an ice cube’ videos on YouTube” and “smoke a joint cut with purifying sage” from your list of remedies to try. I tried both, and neither worked. This week, The Hollywood Reporter published an op-ed piece from Woody’s son Ronan Farrow about how Hollywood and the media continues to support a shriveled up worm who has been accused of abuse. The piece came out today, the same day that Woody’s new movie Cafe Society debuts at Cannes.
Woody Allen’s Cafe Society starring a trio of UGHs, Kristen Stewart, Jesse Eisenberg and Blake NotSoLively is opening up the Cannes Film Festival tomorrow, so Variety talked to KStew about a whole bunch of crap. And yes, this interview, like most Kristen Stewart interviews, is very “conversation about deep stuff with an angsty Emo 9th grader who just huffed spray paint from a paper bag.”
If it feels like the greasy, unwashed love between Kristen Stewart and French singer SoKo only lasted three minutes, that’s because I think it did last only three minutes max. But those three minutes were magical and when they weren’t bonding over their mutual love of shampoo hate, they spent hours deciding which Rugrats character they wanted to dress like that day. And now they’ve come to an end.
UsWeekly says that after a few months of bumping hipster ‘ginas and partaking in several hand-holding photo-ops, KStew and SoKo broke up. UsWeekly’s source adds that they’re done for right now, but they may get back together. The source didn’t give a reason for why they broke up. But any Robsten fangirl will tell you that they broke up, because SoKo could no longer take being in a PR relationship where after a long day of faking it for the paps, her fake girlfriend Kristen Stewart would go home to Robert Pattinson and their secret baby Juleare. They named their secret baby Juleare after KStew’s mother Jules and RPattz’s mother Clare. .
UsWeekly adds that at the Met Gala on Monday night, KStew spent time with Victoria’s Secret model and Miley Cyrus’ one-time piece Stella Maxwell.
SoKo dresses like a 6-year-old circa 1991 who one day woke up in the body of an adult and had to try to dress like one (think hipster Big) and I liked seeing her in paparazzi pictures, so this break-up makes me kind of sad. I had hoped that these two would get married, have a baby and pick out grave sites together. And since they were in a lesbian relationship, they would’ve done all of that by next week if they stayed together! I’m pouring out some small batch cold-brew kombucha for the end KriKo.
Here’s a couple of pictures of Stella Maxwell at the Met Gala on Monday, as well as pictures of KStew and SoKo’s love story throughout the ages (read: like 1 month).
FKA Twigs: “And remember, darling – don’t be photographed anywhere near her, or my Twitter mentions are fucked.”
Robert Pattinson: (too hypnotized by her FKA Crotch to respond)
Last year’s undisputed Dick Queen of the Met Gala and her still-manages-to-look-greasy-even-with-a-shaved-head Hipster Prince almost had a run-in with his ex last night. It’s 2016, and most people probably couldn’t give a glitter-covered vampire crap that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart went to the same fancy-people party. But there are definitely still some Twihards out there who were no doubt reaching for the nearest brown paper bag in which to hyperventilate into after they realized that RPattz and KStew almost reunited on the Met Gala red carpet last night. I don’t know what happened once they were inside. Maybe they got together and did shots at the bar? Or maybe that never happened, because RPattz was too busy shooing people away from FKA Twigs who mistook whatever she’s wearing for a lumbar support belt and decided to ask her how much she would charge to move a 3 bedroom townhouse.
FKA Twigs barely stuck to the theme of technology, but Kristen Stewart did even less with the theme. As usual, KStew showed up in Chanel. She also apparently told the person doing her makeup: “Sure, silver eyeliner, whatever. I DON’T CARE.”
Despite the fact that silver eye shadow and some busted Hackers hair is literally the laziest way you could interpret the technology them, I am 100% into it. It takes me back to being 16 and blowing my first paycheck on a partially-damaged box of Frost & Tip and a 2-pack of Bonne Bell Eye DeFiners in Platinum.
If Kristen Stewart’s goal is to look like her image belongs above a newspaper story about how a strung-out vagrant was arrested for starting a meth lab-fueled fire in an abandoned Family Dollar store in Central Florida, then she’s nailing it!
Like they say, beauty is pain and KStew probably went through a lot of that when someone actually shampooed her mop before bleaching it. That salon’s pipes probably got clogged with the blobs of grease that were washed out of KStew’s hair, but that’s all part of the business of beauty. KStew worked that “Macaulay Culkin after a date with a Flowbee” look while strutting around NYC with her girlfriend SoKo yesterday. Kristen Stewart looks like the kind of mess who will come up to you while you’re pumping gas at the gas station to ask for a few dollars or a cigarette. You know, when you see her coming toward you, you quickly pull the pump out of your car’s side hole, so you can jump into your car real quick and take off before she gets to you.
What I’m saying is, it’s a look. But really, KStew should take some styling lessons from her piece, because SoKo knows how to do messy. SoKo looks like Sister Bear if Sister Bear became a human hipster and went to art school. And that look is so now.
Seen above looking little a sullen Little Bo Beep as a go-go dancer at a goth club, Kristen Stewart talked to AnOther Magazine about fame, fucking up and how she really just wishes she was Billy Elliot on molly. If she was, she’d be dancing and twirling all the time. Here’s a few quotes:
On how she really just wants to fucking dance: “I wish I could dance like nobody was watching. I danced the other night and it felt so fuckin’ good. And it’s so not like me. I envy people like that so much. I’m pretty physical, but I really need to let myself go. Honestly, I just wish I could fuckin’ dance more. That’s all.”
On how she’s a fuck-up (and on another note, I don’t know about you, but she sounds like Jerry Maguire on a whole lot coke here): “I fuck up a lot. But it never stops. The work never stops. ‘One more time with feeling. Do it again, do it again. Oh, you think you fucked up? You don’t think that was good enough? Sweet, do it again, do it again, do it again.’”
On people in entertainment getting rich on bullshit distractions: “People who are interested in selling a life as if it’s a comic book story? It’s just money, money, money, money. It’s just bullshit distraction, and a lot of people make a lot of money on that, because we wanna get distracted.”
That last one…. I don’t know if she’s talking about tabloids or if she’s talking about famous tricks who sell out their personal lives for money and publicity. You know, unlike her and Robert Pattinson who were only together because their love was genuine and pure and not at all because publicists knew that them being a thing was good for the Twilight movies and for business.
But seriously, aren’t a lot of things in entertainment a distraction that allows us to escape from the daily horrors of real-life? Tabloids are a distraction, many movies are a distraction, and you reading this dumb shit about KStew is distracting you from folding the damn laundry. Everything is a distraction! Actually, that’s not true. I can’t say that about Twatlight, the movies that made her really rich even though she did about as much as an animatronic character at Chuck E. Cheese does. The Twilight movies aren’t a distraction. They are the opposite. They are real and show us the harsh reality of what happens when you fall in love with a sparkly vampire who won’t fuck you and has to protect you from other vampires trying to kill you. Those movies are PSAs! I really hope that Kristen Stewart didn’t have to pay taxes on all the money, money, money, money she made from those movies, because she did an important service to us all.