Ok, I am going to begin this post in an unusual way for DListed. I’m a guest and you know that guest who goes through your medicine cabinet and thinks you don’t hear them rifling through your spermicide and hemorrhoid cream? The guest who comments on your generic brand cream cheese and doesn’t use a coaster even though the fucking coasters ARE RIGHT THERE ON THE COFFEE TABLE AND CLEARLY NOT DECORATIVE? That’s me right now because I’m going to acknowledge two positives about Kristen Stewart’s interview in the September issue of Vanity Fair France. The first is that she looks really hot in the pics. The second is that she doesn’t come off as a COMPLETE asshole in the interview. In fact, she reads as a less petulant and stank Kristen Stewart than you’ve ever experienced.
Now that that’s out of the way, she DOES tend to suggest that she’s an amazing actress, and also blames any past bad acting on her part on her co-stars. So this is still finger-sucking malcontent Kristen Stewart and you’re still reading DListed in case you were wondering…
To promote their movie Clouds of Sils Maria, Juliette Binoche and the human equivalent of a crumpled up paper bag full of spray paint fumes had a conversation for the German edition of Interview Magazine. As Celebitchy points out, Juliette Binoche and Kristen Stewart’s talk was translated by a Kristen Stewart fan from the Russian edition of Interview. So the interview was done in English, then translated into German, then translated into Russian, then translated back into English. Or it was translated from KStew’s mumble speak into English, then into Russian and back into English. Whatever the case may be, there was a lot of translating going on and so shit could’ve gotten twisted in translation. But then again this wouldn’t be the first time that KStew has dribbled out a shit nugget of humbleness.
During most of the interview, Juliette and KStew have their lips attached to each other’s asses. KStew only pried her lips off of Juliette’s nalgas to press them against her own ass. Juliette and KStew got into talking about doing big-budget Hollywood movies and indies. KStew hates it when people say you should do one role for yourself and one role for the audience. KStew only does roles for herself (Side note: It shows, bitch, it shows). KStew then redefined the meaning of “humble” by saying that she’s a magical genie and all she has to do is snap her fingers to get a role.
Professional sullen teenager Kristen Stewart took a break from writing emo poetry and moping around the house and rolling her eyes at her mom’s new boyfriend (“Oh my god, this morning he said ‘pass the moo juice’. Steve is THE WORST”) to do a photo shoot in the grocery store wearing head-to-toe Chanel for Elle magazine (via NY Daily News) and talk to them about how dope her career is. Specifically how she’s totally not one of those conformist Hollywood actresses who let a studio turn her into a product marketed to the mainstream public:
“As soon as you start thinking about your career as a trajectory — like, as if you’re going to miss out on some wave or momentum — then you’re never doing anything for yourself anyway. Then you’re truly, actually, specifically working for the public. You’re turning yourself into a bag of chips.”
And that’s why you’ll NEVER see her flashing a smile to the paps, because KStew keeps it real! KStew doesn’t play that phony pageant queen Vaseline-on-the-teeth bullshit! But also because she knows she’ll take shit for it:
“Now I feel like if I smiled for a paparazzi photo — not that I ever would — that’s exactly what people would be desecrating me for. They’d be like, ‘Now you’re going to give it up, now you’re a sellout.’ Like, okay. What do you want? What would you like?”
Personally, I never want to see her flashing her pearly whites for the paps. It would be so weird! Kristen Stewart without a scowl is like a day without sunshine or a Kardashian without an ass full of medical grade silicone. Plus, imagine how deeply disturbing it would be for the photographers watching KStew try to bust out an awkward smile in person: think Wednesday Addams after she’s finished serving time in the Harmony Hut, but with a Bauhaus soundtrack. Did you feel that too?? I literally just got the same feeling I had when I watched The Ring for the first time.
Here’s more of Kristen Stewart serving up some sulky over-it supermarket realness for Elle.
“We co-sign that!” – the world
Around this time two years ago, we all put our most beloved valuables (read: weed, iPad loaded with porn and Hot Fries) in a waterproof bag and built a house raft in preparation for the great, big flood of Twihard tears that was threatening to drown the planet. Twihards cried out all the liquids in their bodies after Kristen Stewart was caught getting her snatch licked by Rupert Sanders’ bull dozer tongue. The world will never be the same again and it’s a miracle that the planet is still spinning. But if there’s one trick (besides all of us) you’ll never see at the annual ROBSTEN IS FOREVER UNBROKEN memorial held every year in a Twihard’s basement, it’s RPattz. RPattz is completely over that shit.
During an interview with Esquire UK to promote a couple of movies he’s in, the subject of the munch felt around the world came up and the former keeper of the Unicorn Forest shrugged it off like it meant nothing! Like it was just a set-up contract relationship for PR that ran to its expiration date after all those Twatlight movies came out. How dare he feel “meh” about a fake relationship!
“Shit happens, you know?” he laughs. “It’s just young people… it’s normal! And honestly, who gives a shit?”
“The hardest part was talking about it afterwards. Because when you talk about other people, it affects them in ways you can’t predict,” he says. “It’s like that scene in Doubt [2008, in which Philip Seymour Hoffman plays a priest suspected of inappropriate behaviour], where he’s talking about how to take back gossip? They throw all those feathers from a pillow into the sky and you’ve got to go and collect all the feathers.”
WHO GIVES A SHIT?! Say that to the thousands of crazed Twihards who literally can’t give a shit, because after that slut whore KStew admitted to passing her poon to another, they lost their shit, colon, gallbladder, stomach and intestines. Tell that to them, RPattz! And tell it to Nutty Madam!
Actually, I don’t even think she gives a shit anymore. She’s too busy bathing the world in sticky toffee panty pudding while watching the Fifty Shades of Shit trailer. Speaking of bathing in body fluids, toward the end of RPattz’s interview with Esquire UK, he dropped a blind item. While talking about asshole bitch actors who treat crew members like trash, he told a story about one actress who took a Kardashian Kalgon bath without knowing it.
“This actress was doing a scene in the bath and she kept complaining about the temperature, how it was too hot or too cold. So everyone pissed in it and put a bunch of bubble bath in afterwards so you couldn’t smell it! This stuff happens. That’s why I avoid asking for anything. I don’t want to get anyone’s piss on me.”
I don’t know if Laura Jeanne Poon (stage name: Reese Witherspoon) took a bath in Water for Elephants, but I’m going to pretend this is about her. Water for elephants, urine for Reese!
When Hollywood actress, fashion muse, and professional scowler Kristen Stewart showed up to a Chanel show in Paris three weeks ago looking like a discount Drop Dead Fred had a three-way with I Dream of Jeannie’s butch sister and a Joey Russo doll, my eyes glazed over from the intense concentration of glamour and I fell into a style coma. When I woke up, I prayed that one day Kristen would return to stun us once again with her effortless (read: zero effort) no-fucks-given style. And she did! This morning, Kristen Stewart turned the moving walkways of LAX into a haute couture runway when she sashayed through security looking like Skid Row Ron Weasley. I think this may be a sartorial best for K-Stew.
Kristen also sort of looks like what you’d get it if The Hamburglar knocked up Linda Perry, and she gave the baby to a glue-huffing Fry Kid who raised the baby in that weird sketchy party room that every McDonald’s has in the basement (you know, the one that smells like cheap cake and sadness and cheese?) and her only contact with the outside world was a partially-scratched Joy Division CD she found in the parking lot one night, which is to say…c’est magnifique.
Here’s more of Kristen Stewart redefining effortless chic and classic American style at LAX earlier today. I don’t know what NTF or NJF means, but I assume it either stands for Not Terribly Funky (she looks like she smells funky, but not terribly so) or New Junkie Fashion:
Pics: Fame Flynet
Every single one of Jenny Lewis’ video should be nothing but her doing the Cookie Time dance with the cast of the greatest thing she’s ever been a part of: Troop Beverly Hills. But for some strange reason that I will never understand, Jenny Lewis doesn’t agree with me. So for the video for the song which will put your brain in sleep mode if you listen to it for more than 15 seconds, she got Anne Hathaway, Brie Larson and Kristen Stewart to drag king it up. Well, Anne and Brie drag king’d it up. KStew just wore a Bieber wig and a Dirty Sanchez stache with her regular clothes.
Above is Anne looking like Ali G’s American third cousin from New Jersey who thinks that KFed’s album “Playing With Fire” is an underrated rap treasure, constantly brags about how he gets his brows threaded at the same place Pauly D does, actually pre-ordered Backdoor Farrah’s rubber asshole and calls his garage bedroom in his mother’s house his “pussy palace” even though he’s only done sex with a Fleshlight. It hurts every vein in my body to say that yes, yes, I’d hit it. I actually got the puckers from seeing everyone’s least favorite theater kid Anne Hathaway as a KFed version of Buck from United States of Tara. Somebody grab a flashlight, a rosary and a vat of holy water and inspect me down there, because obviously something’s not right since I got the tingles for Anne Hathaway in a rattail and stache. Being easy isn’t easy.
Who ever directed Jenny Lewis’ Lisa Frank twat burp of a video must be a wizard who is capable of anything. Because they actually managed to bring emotion and a smile out of human drool stain Kristen Stewart (who kind of looks like a strung out young Edward Furlong as the Biebs):
Eh, actually the director’s not much of a magician, because it’s not surprising that KStew would become animated after you slap a pubestach on her face and tell her to act like a dude. And yes, yes, I would. I need help.
While I’m getting a priest to exorcise the Anne-And-KStew-In-Drag-Loving Demon out of my b-hole, you can watch the video for “Just One of the Guys” which is like Leslie Hall on Valium and Unisom.
I had two major thoughts while looking at this picture of Kristen Stewart at the Chanel Paris Fashion Week show. Yes, two – my brain was working extra hard this morning for some reason:
1. What the hell even is that smile supposed to be? It looks like KStew is trying to pull a Side Eyeing Chloe (the key word here being trying; KStew can never reach the level of flawless toothy DILLIGAF glamour of Chloe).
2. What picture of Blossom-era Joey Lawrence did Kristen Stewart bring in to her stylist? Was it this one? What am I saying, OF COURSE it was that one.
Kristen Stewart dyed her hair the same color as recalled tainted baby food for the movie American Ultra, but there’s no word on why she decided to go one step further up the fug ladder by chopping it all off. I’m guessing it’s also for a movie, and that movie is a biopic of Burnie, the Miami Heat mascot. Judging by how busted that hair is, combined with the fact that KStew’s acting range is limited to various shades of boredom, I’m guessing KStew plays Bernie during his awkward teen years. I smell an Oscaaaaaar!
And my say something nice is this: I always wondered what it would look like if early-Twlight Robert Pattinson moved out to the country, dyed his hair with some flea market Feria, married a drywall installer named Darryl and started hosted Passion Parties from the garage. And now I know! Thanks Kristen!
Here’s more of Kristen at the Chanel show wearing some shitty genie pants and $10 white pumps. Real talk – she looks like a dollar store Jasmine doll I had as a kid, and that’s all I’ll say about that. Also in attendance was Phil Collins daughter, the chick from the vampire show, Kaa from The Jungle Book wearing an Anna Wintour wig, and Jesus’s coke-dealing stepbrother Jared Leto.
Bad news for those of you hoping to take in a second serving of Kristen Stewart’s emotionally raw and multi-layer take on Snow White in the sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman. You’ll have to watch her other movies to see her stare at the other actors like a stoned, brain-dead baby deer caught in the headlights and listen to her quietly heavy breathe like she’s giving birth in a library. Because she’ll hardly be in the sequel, if she’s in it at all. If Snow White is in the sequel to Slow White and the Cuntsmen, it’ll only be a cameo appearance and I’m taking that to mean that while the Huntsman is walking through the forest he’ll catch her getting her crotch apple eaten by one of the dwarves in the back of a wagon.
Nobody needs a sequel to SWATH, but since the first one made almost $400 million worldwide and whores (including this whore) will pay good money to see Chris Hemsworth’s gigantic arms swing shit around, Universal is putting out a second movie that will come out sometime in 2016. The second movie will be all about the Huntsman. Charlize Theron will probably be back as the Evil Queen. KStew’s Mini Cooper munch partner, Rupert Sanders, is out and director Frank Darabont, who created The Walking Dead and directed The Shawshank Redemption, is in.
I wonder if ~romance~ between the leading ho and the director will strike again and Chris and Frank will get really, really close during filming. Then after the movie comes out, a pap will catch Frank slurping on Chris Hemsworth’s butt box while they’re both crammed into a parked Mini Cooper. They have to do it. It’s tradition now!
The last time Her Majesty Beyoncé and Jay Z did some impromptu promo work to generate interest in their upcoming “On The Run” tour, they ended up looking as natural and convincing as a Blake Lively boob job. And now, literally three days later, they’re back at it again with a carefully orchestrated stunt meant to convince us to drop $200 to watch the two of them dry hump each other on stage while they lip-synch to ’03 Bonnie & Clyde.
While walking the red carpet at the Met Gala last night, a ring “accidentally” fell off one of Stunt Queen Bey’s fingers. Jay Z saw what happened, counted “one Mississippi, two Mississippi” in his head like Beyoncé instructed him to do in the 20 hours of practice at home, bent down to retrieve it, and on the way up he took her hand and pretended to propose to her with the ring. Stunt Queen Bey then looked around to make sure it was caught on camera before cycling through her rolodex of emotions and pulling out ‘bashful surprise’. And Jay Z did a great job of pretending he wasn’t completely dead inside.
So first we have Stuntyoncé LOL-ing at a basketball game date night, and now they’re pulling cutesy-poo shit like pretend proposals? What’s next on the list for the “Mobil On the Run” spontaneous acts of TRU WUV promo tour? Jay Z laying his coat over a puddle so Bey won’t ruin her shoes? Renewing their vows in a hot air balloon? Undergoing an experimental surgery that turns their faces into Precious Moments figurines? WHAT IS IT??
Here’s more of Stuntyoncé at the Met Gala before and after they awarded themselves a gold medal for their flawless execution of a publicity stunt, including a close-up of Bey’s best lacefront yet (I know, womp womp). Plus, the rest of the messy-looking tricks from they Met Gala (aka the leftovers) like Charlize Theron and a sunset-colored troll, an unreasonably modest RiRi, Kate Upton dressed like Cinco de HELL NO, and Kanye West’s $99/hour rent-a-ho from Lucifer’s Choice Discount Escorts.
When I was 13 I decided I wanted to dye my dark brown hair ice blond, because I was bored and dumber than I am now (if that can be believed). My little friend, who had dyed her hair every color of the Manic Panic rainbow, told me that she could easily do it for me in one day. Well, the ho told a lot of lies. If I ever have a CT scan, the doctor is going to see dozens of large holes burnt into my brain. No, all of those holes aren’t only from drugs and from looking at Kim Kardashian’s Vogue cover. Most of them are from the hair bleach that sat on my head too long and burned through my skull. My friend left that hair bleach on for way too long and it felt like acid was eating my head alive. After she bent me over the tub to wash that head-eating devil cream out of my hair, I looked down and saw clumps of my hair falling into the tub and those clumps were the exact color of Kristen Stewart’s hair.
UsWeekly says that KStew’s in New Orleans shooting American Ultra and the director wants her to have orange hair with dark ass roots, so she went to the Maison de Cheveux salon to get it done. The salon Instragrammed this picture of KStew’s new vomit-colored hair. KStew is playing a burnout in American Ultra and this is offensive to every burnout out there. What self-respecting burnout would walk around with hair the color of the barf you’d puke out after eating a bad plate of penne with salmon in vodka sauce.
Maybe the director wants her hair color to take the focus off of her acting. If that’s the case, he’s a genius (but it’s still not going to work)!