In the same interview with Harper’s Bazaar where Kristen Stewart calls Hollywood “disgustingly sexist,“ she shits all over the Botoxed and rotated faces of women who have had their mugs touched by a plastic surgeon’s scalpel. Kristen Stewart may have the charisma of a hollow plastic mannequin, but she’ll never ever have a plastic face. Harper’s Bazaar asked KStew if she’d ever get plastic surgery and Our Lady of Reasonable Thoughts could’ve just said, “Plastic surgery ain’t for me,” and left it at that, but she wouldn’t be Kristen Stewart if she did that.
Keeping Up with the Kartrashians is already a terrifying shit show, but to KStew it’s probably extra terrifying, because rubber spatula faces scare her. KStew said that any woman who gets plastic surgery is insane and has vandalized her own face.
“No, never. Never. I am so freaked out by the idea of doing anything. And maybe that’s completely arrogant but I don’t want to change anything about myself. I think the women who do are losing their minds. It’s vandalism.”
Whatever, bitch, Jocelyn Wildenstein’s beautifully vandalized face is a work of HIGH ART and you can’t tell me otherwise.
According to the dictionary, the definition of “vandalism” is:
Willful or malicious damage or destruction of the property of another.
So either Kristen Stewart doesn’t know what that word means or she’s strangely religious and thinks that our faces belong to THE LORD. Whatever the case may be, I wonder how she feels about tricks getting bootleg tattoos of Picasso’s work inked into their arm, because to me that shit is a real crime.
Well, it looks like the never-ending after school slap fight between Kristen Stewart and the general idea of being famous is still going strong. In case you haven’t gathered from the fact that Kristen Stewart flips the paps off every chance she gets and has compared fame to being raped, she doesn’t exactly love being famous. In fact, she thinks it’s the worst. Like, the worst worst. To put it into context, picture Jean-Ralphio Saperstein screaming “The wooooorst” into the world’s largest megaphone, then times that by 1 billion. KStew admitted in this month’s issue of Harper’s Bazaar UK (via Daily Mail/EW) that there is really nothing worse than being famous, and swats at everyone who would want to be.
I know she may look like she’s two seconds away from doing the full body sadness slump into a pile of Robert Pattinson’s old greasy-pitted t-shirts, but apparently that’s actually Kristen Stewart’s face’s way of communicating serene happiness. According to People, KStew isn’t bothered by the fact that her former partner in real life Twilight fan fiction fuckery has given his girlfriend of 6 months an engagement ring. A source (Hi Alicia Cargile!) says that when KStew found out about the possibility of FKA Twigs becoming Mrs. FKA Twigs-Pattz, she just sort of shrugged her shoulders and continued practicing her scowl in the mirror:
“Kristen is doing fine, working and traveling, and she will survive Robert’s engagement. She has her own life and has moved on. Kristen lives a much more low-key life now and seems happier. It was obvious that she was struggling with the media attention [during her relationship with Rob].”
I’m sure reading that made those last few Twihards so furious their hands couldn’t even type out the words “LIAR! KRISTEN IS WEEPING TEARS OF PURE SADNESS, I KNOW IT!” without wanting to whip their keyboards halfway across the room. But I believe it. Like Kristen even cares that her ex might be getting married? Or even cares about marriage at all? She totally seems like the type who would show up to her own wedding day in a pair of ripped black jeans and a Joy Division shirt like with a Marlboro red hanging out of the corner of her mouth, hissing “Okay, let’s get this over with” before chugging an entire bottle of champagne. Actually, that sounds like a super fun wedding.
Seen above already practicing the frazzled constipation face that every Woody Allen character must make, Cesar award-winning actress (that is not a typo) Kristen Stewart will star in the noted creeper fart’s next movie. Hide every MINI Cooper now. Hide them all.
Even though Woody Allen’s last movie Turd in the Moonlight was a critical flop, he’s still farting up a movie a year like he’s done since before Methuselah was born. The shriveled worm has a movie called Irrational Man, which stars Emma Stone and Joaquin Phoenix, coming out this year and he’s already starting to put together his project for 2016. Deadline says that Woody has cast Kristen Stewart, Jesse Eisenberg and Christina Hendricks’ right chichi, Bruce Willis, in the lead roles. Jesse Eisenberg was in To Rome With Love. KStew and Bruce have never worked with Woody before. This will also be the third time KStew and Jesse Eisenberg are in a movie together. They are UGH’s answer to Bogie and Bacall.
As with most of Woody’s movies, everyone signed on without seeing a script. There is no plot and there is no title. Like we need to be told what it’s going to be about. We already know it’s going to be about a bunch nervous white people and their problems. You can also expect a scene where KStew and Bruce Willis touch tongues so get ready to heave.
And every crew member who is going to work on this movie better find a way to get a bottomless Xanax prescription, because they’re going to need it. Kristen Stewart is a stuttering, tweaker on Ambien mess and Woody Allen is a stuttering, neurotic mess, so watching them communicate will drive anyone to a nervous breakdown.
Seen above looking like an apathetic greasy teenage elf raver runaway, Kristen Stewart recently gave an interview to Patti Smith for Interview, and she admitted something I never thought I’d hear anyone associated with the Twilight franchise would ever admit, let alone Kristen Stewart: that she’s not just proud of the Twilight movies, but that she’s “fucking proud”. Literally every neurologist across the country just told their assistants to clear their schedules because “the mopey girl from Twilight clearly needs a brain scan.”
Okay, does this mean that the tabloids can stop calling referring to Alicia Cargile as Kristen Stewart’s “gal pal”? Every time I read “gal pal” I think of my tia called my boyfriend a “special friend.” Oh, tia, just call him my full-time sloppy butt fuck buddy. It won’t make my ears curl the way that “special friend” does.
Kristen Stewart’s true loves, the paparazzi, got in her face yesterday as she walked through LAX holding Alicia’s hand. So that’s why the news reported (no, they didn’t) this morning that hundreds of thousands of torn off tonsils were found scattered all across the country. It was from the ROBSTENIS4EVER crazies screaming their lymphoid tissues off while looking at these pictures. Kristen and Alicia (possible couple names: CarStew? CarArt?) were coming back from the wedding of Elvis’ granddaughter Riley Keough in Napa. There’s also a story going around that Alicia is moving into KStew’s loft in Downtown L.A. So when the Skinny Jeans And Caps Twinsies strolled through LAX yesterday, the paps asked them if they’re getting married (because, you know, they just went to a wedding) and if it’s true they’re moving in together. The paps really lost their gift of subtlety, because the paps I know would’ve asked Kristen, “Kristen, Kristen, does your coochie convert to Judaism every time it bumps against Alicia’s Star of David crotch tattoo?” I know, they used to be so subtle and tactful.
And these pictures are truly BREAKING NEWS material, because this may be the first time in months that Kristen Stewart was photographed holding something other than her morning cup of coffee. Somewhere, a morning cup of coffee is feeling rejected and lonely because Kristen Stewart isn’t holding it.
That’s her “I really give a fuck” face. Can’t you tell?
Kristen Stewart did an interview with Salon to promote Still Alice and she spent most of the time worshipping the ginger goddess of perfection Julianne Moore, as she should, but she did take a minute to once again claim that she’s overflowing with fucks to give. Some people look at Kristen Stewart and think that she’s fuck deficient since she looks like she hasn’t spent any intimate time with a shower head in weeks and looks about as happy as a goth kid at Chuck E. Cheese. But KStew says she’s got more fucks than she knows what to do with:
You are kind of a hero to people, in a way. A lot of people admire what they see as your give-no-fucks attitude.
I’m like, actually, no one gives a fuck like me. No one gives more of a fuck than me. It’s just ironic to me. I’m always like, really?
That was served on a plate made of sarcasm and wrapped tightly in an eye roll, right? She must have said it in the same tone that I said, “Nope, because I’m too busy overdosing on tons of sweet, sweet pussy,” to the relative who asked me if I have a girlfriend. Please, KStew doesn’t give a fuck. I mean, most actors who give a fuck go to acting class and at least try to exude a drop of human emotion on camera, but KStew doesn’t do any of that, because she doesn’t have one fuck to give. You can’t fool us, KStew.
Here’s the Give No Fucks team leader at a Stella McCartney event two days ago and outside of her hotel in NYC yesterday.
The glum version of Anybody’s from West Side Story landed at LAX with her rumored partner in pussy Alicia Cargile on Friday and the paparazzi were waiting for her, because they’re true soulmates and a minute without blowing air kisses at each other is a minute not worth living. While KStew and Alicia waited for their car to get them, the paparazzi surrounded them and an autograph seeker tried to get her sign a picture of her with Robert Pattinson. The only thing Kristen Stewart wanted to sign was the guestbook at his funeral. She refused to sign that shit and he kept on, kept on. I don’t even know why he was so hard up for her autograph. He obviously wants to sell that shit on eBay, but Kristen Stewart’s autograph is really easy to copy. It’s just a purple devil Emoji followed by the words “Die, cunt, die!”
At around the 1:29 mark in the video above, KStew tells him to, “get the fuck outta my face,” and I guess he heard, “fuck with me more please,” instead, because he kept on poking at her nerves and harassing her. Dude should quit the autograph hound business and go into selling timeshares, because bitch knows how to be persistent. Kristen Stewart’s rage simmered and for a second I thought she was going to bust out a reboot of this iconic moment in “celebrities at the airport” history:
Kristen Stewart never went crazy Bjork-style on a bitch, but I guess she was waiting for him to really set her off by saying, “Welcome to
In honor of it being the first night of Hanukkah, 9 days till Christmas, and 3 hours till I fall into a diabetic coma from drinking six gallons of eggnog, here’s the always festive and joyful Kristen Stewart getting into the holiday spirit by flipping off the paps. Oh, KStew – it’s the most wonderful tiiiiime of the year, and you’re still the most sullen of sullen teens. Even that mopey bummer Charlie Brown is like “Damn bitch, who pissed in your peppermint latte?”
KStew delivered her lovely handmade gift to the paps on Sunday after they spent the day following her around Los Feliz while she got coffee with her BFF Alicia Cargile. How thoughtful of her! That’s a really great present. You know, I still need to get a last-minute gift for the asshole who keeps backing into my car and putting dents in my license plate, and I think a middle finger would be perfect. Then again, I’ve got this sneaking suspicion they already got one this year.
And I know that everyone talks about KStew having the acting range of a damp piece of plywood, but you can’t say the same about her bird-flipping hand. It’s delivering so much raw emotion: anger, rage, fury, frustration. Is it too early to reboot the Twilight series and cast KStew’s bird-flipping hand as Bella? I would watch that.
Here’s KStew before she stuffed the paps’ stockings with cunty cheer, dressed like a goth stay-at-home dad while getting coffee:
Also, if you’ve always wanted to see Bendandsnap Culohatch touch mouths with Laura Jeanne Poon, then you’re a sucio, kinky fuck. The next time I type “felching” into PornHub, I’ll tell myself not to feel too gross since out there in the world are messes more depraved than me. The kind of messes who get the tingles from watching these to go at it with their mouths.
It’s that time of year again when actors who want an Oscar work it like their pimp is in jail and they gotta bail him out before morning. Every year, The New York Times Magazine answers the question “Which actors are so hard up for an Oscar that they’ll do whatever we say?” by putting out a bunch of artsy videos starring some Oscar hopefuls. This year they took 17 of this year’s “best actors” (and Kristen Stewart) and paired them up together in kissing scenes. B. Cums and Reese got paired up and this is what their kiss looks like:
When I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade we went on a field trip to the zoo and we got to watch a zookeeper feed an iguana pieces of butternut squash. That iguana was all about the butternut squash. So while watching B. Cums and Reese kiss, I kept waiting for him to show his lizard self by trying to bite off her chin after mistaking it for a butternut squash.
The rest of the RIVETING videos are after the cut. If you need to know names before you commit by clicking, the kissing hos include: Kristen Stewart, Rosario Dawson, Patricia Arquette, Chadwick Boseman, Jack O’Connell, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Miles Teller, Julianne Moore and more. You can pull your pants up and put the lube away, because there is man-on-man mouth action but it’s not between Chadwick and Jack.