So far today, we’ve posted about alleged child abuse, alleged gonorrhea-giving and alleged child abuse allegedly at the hand of a human strain of gonorrhea. So let’s lighten things up with Kristen Stewart’s lightened-up mop! I know, that “joke” is more depressing than anything that’s been posted today.
Kristen Stewart has said before that getting her picture taken is more painful than taking a bath, but since she loves money and free designer clothes (and who doesn’t), she agreed to get her picture taken at an event for Chanel N5 L`Eau in West Hollywood last night. I know I joked that KStew looks the human form of a clump of hair found in the shower drain in a bathroom at Malfoy Manor, but I love that piss yellow hair color and that’s not me saying I’m into golden showers. That overused urinal cake hair color takes me back. You truly haven’t lived the life of a dark-haired teenager until you’ve tried to go blond with Sun-In, peroxide, mustache lightening creme from your auntie’s bathroom cabinet and a prayer. Every teenage non-blondie has probably heard a friend scream, “Bitch, don’t touch that shit, I’ll blow, I’ll blow,” as the crap in our hair starts to eat our scalp and we’re waving our hands around to keep from scratching at it. So, I love Kristen Stewart’s hair, and she probably loves it too since the bleach fried and killed all of the lice.
And here’s more of a yallaw-haired (copyright: Tim Peeler) KStew wearing a crop top sweater made from a stovetop hood filter at last night’s Chanel thing. I also threw in pictures of Rachel Zoe, Milla Jovovich and Johnny Depp’s daughter.
Seen above looking like she’s about to scream “STOP MARKETING US!! WE’RE SERIOUS ACTORS!” at the premiere of Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 2, Kristen Stewart is once again talking about the time she and Robert Pattinson spent as Robsten. During an interview with T magazine , Kristen Stewart said that Robsten became faker than the forced smiles she worked on the red carpet at each premiere. And that’s something that makes her feel super gross. Technically you’d never know it, since her face is stuck in a permanent scowl. But believe her, she’s grossed right out.
Kristen Stewart looks about as empty and dead inside as a cold, hallowed-out cadaver, but she tells Elle UK that after getting back with her on-and-off-again-piece Alicia Cargile for the third time, she is finally feeling feels again. Don’t let that picture from Elle UK fool you. On the outside, Kristen Stewart may look like a zombified and punkified Wednesday Addams after smoking a morphine-laced joint, but on the inside, a roller coaster of a million raw emotions is running through her!!!
Kristen Stewart is smiling, and she’s probably smiling because she knows that the pile of WTF on her body is making you want to barf through your eyes, and your pain pleases her. It powers her dark orb of a heart. Meanwhile, as Kunty Karl laid sprawled out on a bed of his naked man slaves after sucking the blood out of them, he cackled into the air over the fact that Kristen Stewart actually wore that horrifying toilet baby of a Medieval Times and the wedding dress of a 70s cult bride. Kunty Karl was just joking when he told her to wear it! In case you mistook that logo below her crotch for the Airbnb logo, it’s actually the Chanel logo. So that monster came from the evil mind of Kunty Karl.
Last night was the NYC premiere of Woody Allen’s Cafe Society, and KStew showed up looking like an Emo toddler playing around in her mom’s dress, and yes, her mom is an Amish dominatrix. It’s as if Kunty Karl got his minions to sew together a dusty Gunne Sax dress from the Salvation Army and pieces from a really cheap Game of Thrones costume.
Putting Kristen Stewart in this dress has to be one of Kunty Karl’s greatest works of evil, and that’s saying a lot. I love him for it!
Here’s more of KStew looking like Fifty Shades of the Sherwood Forest as well pictures of Blake NotSoLively looking like 1960s Pregnant Barbie and Parker Posey showing them all up by giving us 1980s soap opera villainess.
I mean the hair not the makeup. Then again, who knows what Usher makes Justin Bieber put on during “mentoring hours.” Here’s Kristen Stewart at the premiere of her new flick Equals in LA. It’s about a dystopian future wherein people don’t experience emotion. Did she even have to audition? This is the kind of gig that was written specifically for a multi-faceted gem of a performer like her, right? That Bieber-esque hairdo emotes more than she does.
Check out more pics of Kristen, and co-stars Nicholas Hoult and Jacki Weaver below.
The red carpet premiere for Kristen Stewart’s second reason for being at Cannes, Personal Shopper, happened last night. And maybe KStew’s Cannes style strategy is that she does the exact opposite of whatever Red Carpet Barbie would do, because this is what she showed up in. I’ve got to slow-clap for KStew, because this look is doing it all. The eyes are fucked, the hair is fucked, the sleeves on that dress look like they’ve been fucked all night and got up for work early. Everything is a mess.
As I joked up top, Kristen is giving me Chicken Lady from The Kids in the Hall, but her look is more than that. It’s like the Chicken Lady if she went back to high school to get her diploma, started hanging out with Jerri Blank from Strangers With Candy, who convinces her that they could both make a killing if they dropped out and got into the homemade gasoline business. Of course, it doesn’t work out, so the Chicken Lady is forced to go back to sweeping up hair at a discount salon where the only hairstyle they have to reference comes courtesy of a Tiger Beat from 2002 with NSYNC-era Justin Timberlake on the cover.
The only thing I know about Personal Shopper is that it’s about ghosts and that people booed it when it was screened for critics on Monday. According to The Hollywood Reporter, people liked it a whole lot more last night then they did at the initial screening. Sure, people still booed. But they also apparently gave it a four-and-a-half minute long standing ovation. Then again, they could have just been applauding KStew for showing up to the premiere despite the fact that it looks like she should be back at her hotel trying to kill that pink eye with a bottle of prescription eye drops.