Category: Kristen Stewart

Kristen Stewart Is Giving You “Stop The Insanity” Moodiness

March 8, 2017 / Posted by:

Last month when Kristen Stewart officially came out as a gayelle on Saturday Night Live, her hair was very “Hollywood power lesbian.” Well, sometime before the L.A. premiere of that arty ghost texting movie, Personal Shopper, she Legend of Billie Jean’d herself by taking clippers to her hair and also Clorox’ing that bitch. Kristen Stewart gave herself a buzzcut for either that underwater movie she’s doing, or because she wanted to, or because she couldn’t handle the mutant lice anymore and tried to shave them out of her life. (SPOILER ALERT: That doesn’t work.)

Many are saying that Kristen Stewart is giving them Dollar Tree Annie Lennox vibes. And sure, KStew does look like a grouchy Annie Lennox impersonator who has a record low rating on Yelp because she screams at party guests who asks for a selfie and really just wants to smoke a joint in the corner. But I’m also getting fetus-aged Justin Bieber mixed with the greatest fitness queen of the 90s Susan Powter!

justinbiebersusanpowter

KStew seems to really be feeling it, because usually when she’s in front of a camera, she looks about as happy as Howie Mandel at a bareback scat orgy. But her face actually produced a smile or two last night. The power of a Susan Powter makeover knows no bounds! And I think KStew was feeling her new look so much that she forgot to put on clothes over that weird shapewear shit she’s wearing.

Pics: Wenn.com, Pinterest, Globe and Mail

Kristen Stewart Has Been Thinking About The Nature Of Text Messages

March 5, 2017 / Posted by:

One-time Trump Twitter targetKristen Stewart, has a new movie coming out called Personal Shopper, and in it, she plays a shopper whose dead brother might be sending her text messages. Hey, it’s not a live-action remake of a cartoon. What more do you want?

Given the subject matter, the lesbian housewife Totinos seducer got very deep about the nature of text messages and social media for V Magazine (via Yahoo!). Did you know that when you send a text, you’re interpreting “shadows” and entertaining an intense need for validation? Well, duh!

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Kristen Stewart Came Out And Dropped An F-Bomb While Dragging Trump On SNL Last Night

February 5, 2017 / Posted by:

Dlisted weekend guy and known malcontent, J. Harvey, is publicly apologizing to actress Kristen Stewart for ever criticizing her lack of emotion in her performances, her general surliness, and this outfit. Stewart’s opening monologue on SNL last night, in which she ridiculed President Donald Trump’s bizarre Twitter obsession with her and former romantic interest Robert Pattinson’s relationship back in the Twilight-era (as well as dropping a “fuck” in at the end for emphasis), has absolved her of any celebrity wrong-doing now and forever, according to Mr. Harvey. He will now binge-watch the Twilight saga for the first time ever as penance. Thank you.

That was the statement my assistant just issued to the AP, Reuters, and the Weekly World News.

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Kristen Stewart Felt Donald Trump Tweeting About Her In 2012 Was “Insane”

January 21, 2017 / Posted by:

Let’s turn the clock back to 2012. Hurricane Sandy was slapping the shit out of NYC. Jessica Simpson struggled to deal with Papa Joe’s twink addiction. And our current president Donald Trump felt necessary to chime in about a celebrity couple’s tragic breakup. He’s grown so much since then.

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson starred as a starcrossed and sparkly vampire couple in a seemingly endless film franchise called Twilight in the early 2010s. They were also in a poorly concealed “secret” relationship which kaboomed when Kristen was papped letting a director attend to her needs in a mini-Cooper. Our future president, who was merely a reality television star back then, was firmly on Team Edward. He hates cheating (he’s been romancing the Twitter bird for a looonnngg time)!

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