The 11th Round Of “Celebrities Read Mean Tweets” Brought To You By Jennifer Lawrence’s Unenthusiastic Handjob
Jimmy Kimmel has been working tirelessly to educate people and politicians about healthcare lately on Jimmy Kimmel Live!. And last night, he gave a real example of the importance of good healthcare by showing celebrities receiving third degree burns from Twitter.
Today must be Random Hollywood Feud Day.
For a few years now, Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard have been pushing the hard sell on just how open they can be about each other and their relationship. No matter how gross or personal, nothing is off-limits. They overshare about everything from the story about his surprise vasectomy to the story about her jar-peeing. There are some people who may be into Kristen and Dax’s oversharing, but according to Page Six, Hollywood isn’t one of them. Hollywood allegedly hates them and thinks they’re overexposed. Anyone who hates their corny-ass Samsung commercials is probably with Hollywood.
If the Oscars and the Emmys are your fancy old uncle who drinks expensive scotch and loves British shows on PBS, then the People’s Choice Awards are your aunt who drinks canned Bay Breezes and asks if you wanna get high in her LeBaron. The People’s Choice Awards are for the people, damn it, and they don’t need prestige or class or gowns that requires every inch of your intestines to be crammed into Spanx.
Blake Lively clearly knows this and after going full-fashion at the Golden Globes two weeks ago, she wore one of Britney Spears’ rejects to the People’s Choice Awards. It’s like she couldn’t find her glasses and just assumed the dress code on the PCA invitation said: “Come dressed as a dancer from a Bob Mackie-inspired cruise ship show who is trying to get fired.” She looks like the messiest pledge at a sorority for ravens.
Some people still don’t understand that you don’t have to try so hard at the People’s Choice Awards. Jennifer Lopez, I’m looking at you.
When Anna Chlumsky came strolling up the red carpet of the Emmys last night in an ensemble Michael accurately described as looking very bed in a bag, I knew it was only a matter of time before someone in a set of deluxe full/queen sheets sashayed behind her. And that person was Kristen Bell. To be honest, I don’t know who hit the red carpet first, Kristen or Anna. It’s a real “Which came first, the sheets or the duvet” situation.
Regardless, Kristen is doing just as much for me as Anna’s look was. Maybe more, actually, because I’ve always loved a printed bed sheet. I don’t know if everyone did this, but when I was a kid, I used to make my bed with my sheets pattern-side-down. That way, when I made my bed and pulled back my comforter, you got a subtle hint of my elegant bed linens (ie. my Little Mermaid sheets). I felt so classy, like “I bet this is how Margo from Punky Brewster does her bed.” But while I love Kristen’s expensive floral sheet dress, I don’t know if many of us would want to sleep on it. I think I see beading, and I’m pretty sure none of us would want to roll over in the middle of the night and land cheek-first on a cluster of sharp glass beads.
Of course, the cherry on top of a formal bedding situation has got to be the useless satin runner that lives at the foot of the bed. Luckily, Sarah Hyland has got us covered.
Apropos of nothing (really – even he admits he had no reason to be there), Dax Shepard was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night. Little did he know he was actually there for a very valid reason, and that was to tell Jimmy Kimmel and the world a story about his vasectomy that begins with a pregnancy scare and ends with him jerking it into a jar in his car.
Unlike the character he played in Idiocracy, Frito Pendejo, who I assume was sterile from years of chronic ‘baitin and edible chemical exposure, Dax Shepard used to be quite fertile. So fertile in fact that he’s been able to successfully knock up his wife Kristen Bell twice on purpose and almost once on accident. According to Dax, the last one happened recently. Kristen got sick, so she assumed it meant she was probably pregnant again. Dax already has to be responsible for two kids under the age of three, and the thought of adding more to the equation made his dick break out into a cold sweat. That’s when he decided to sneak off to get a vasectomy.
Of course, they need to make sure the vasectomy worked, and there’s two ways you can test for that kind of thing. One, knock up your lady, thus proving that you should find your receipt and ask for a refund. Or two, come back a while later with a cup o’ jizz so they can look at them under a microscope and see if you’re sterile. Dax chose Option #2. The only problem was that he had a two-hour window to yank it before his appointment, and he had to do it before he got there. Thanks to a meeting running later than he expected, he ended up “providing a sample“, if you will, in a rinsed-out mason jar while driving to his appointment. Skip to the 4:03 mark to watch Dax explain it all in vivid detail.
Sadly, I doubt that’s the grossest thing that’s been done while driving in Los Angeles. I’m sure if you ask Kendra Wilkinson, she’d be like “Eh, that was pretty much every trip to Ralphs when we lived at the mansion.”
Here’s a not-knocked-up Kristen Bell at the NBC Universal Upfronts earlier this week.
Now you know the name of the person to which you can send that muffin basket; I’m sure you want to say a proper thank you for this gorgeous public mouth-humping moment between Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell. Frito Pendejo’s past life self Dax Shepard recently told People that if it weren’t for his friend Jason Bateman pressuring him like an old timey hillbilly with a shotgun to marry his girlfriend Kristen Bell, it might never have happened.
“Jason was first to go, ‘Stop fucking around and marry Kristen’. You immediately transitioned into ‘Get her pregnant'” Shepard continued while standing next to his friend. “I would say you were at the very forefront of cracking the whip on that. And you were dead right.”
Now that we know Jason Bateman has some kind of weird mind control over Dax Shepard and is able to get him to do whatever he says, if I were Kristen Bell, I would be using that to my advantage. For example, like Kristen, I too go nuts for sloths, so my first order of business would be instructing Jason Bateman to convince Dax to buy a sloth. Then another. Then an entire sloth sanctuary. From the window to the wall, sloths dripping down from the ceiling like little furry slow-moving Cirque du Soleil performers.
By the way, if Jason Bateman is taking requests, do you think it would it be too much trouble to ask him if he could convince Dax Shepard to take his shirt off more often?