Kris Jenner is the patron saint of bad mothers. She is so bad, that Dina Lohan probably lets out a wet burp while watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians before turning to her kids and yelling “At least I ain’t that bitch!”.
Now the rest of the world is finally ready to chuck Pimp Mama Kris and her stable of famewhores into the nearest dumpster next to the used condoms where they belong, because ratings for the show have been rapidly declining. It also doesn’t help that the romance between her son, Rob Kardashian, and the always elegant former Twerk Consultant, Blac Chyna, is on life support. What’s a pimp to do? Well, she’s decided to toss a couple dollars at Blac Chyna to make her stay with Rob! And since Chyna is used to having money thrown at her, it’s a totally acceptable and reasonable proposition.
Caitlyn Jenner writes in her memoir, The Secrets Of My Life, about having gender reassignment surgery, but she probably knew that she’d need something ESCANDALOSO to drop in order to really sell that shit. Enter: the O.J. case.
Since the O.J. Simpson murder case got a lot of attention last year thanks to American Crime Story and O.J.:Made In America, Caitlyn brings it up in her book. Caitlyn pulls out some brand new information that Robert Kardashian totally didn’t say himself in 1996. Radar posted a piece from Caitlyn’s book where she claims that Robert told her in so many words that he thought O.J. did it. Caitlyn also writes that she believes Robert only took the case because Pimp Mama Kris hated O.J. and he wanted to get back at her for moving on from their marriage and marrying a gold medal-winning athlete. Caitlyn should really get another gold medal in the sport of Making It All About Her.
According to Radar, Kris Jenner is ready to slither on from the Kronk to her Yzma Corey Gamble after a little over two years of being her boy toy. A source claims that shortly after Valentine’s Day, 61-year-old Kris told 36-year-old Corey she needed some space to focus on her family and Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Radar says that KUWTK ratings are in the crapper, and a source claims that Kris believed she was getting “side-tracked” with Corey. She’s decided to put her family first before her own needs and wants. Ew. I didn’t need the mental image of Kris’ rubber mask face cooing “I want you” to Corey while laying seductively on her bed wearing whatever she thinks Kim wears when she’s in the drowsy-faced mood.
Kris Jenner, the Shonda Rhimes of reality television (she’s a master when it comes to plotting), is prepping for a battle with Blac Chyna.
Since Chyna and Rob Kardashian aren’t together, it was time to cue the requisite custody battle for their daughter, Dream. Chyna, one of the more prominent visitors from “the world of the pole” (thanks again, Wendy Williams), reportedly doesn’t want dual custody with the E! channel’s version of Eeyore. Speaking of Disney, People says that the prototype for every single one of their villainesses is ready to help her frumpy son get what’s his.
The last time we checked in on the status of Scott Disick’s relationship with Kourtney Kardashian, they were reportedly back together. Since Scott and Kourtney get bored with each other like Kim Kardashian gets bored of whatever face she’s had for longer than a couple months, they’re currently off again. But now they’re really off, and it’s all thanks to Scott trying to pull a fast one on the Koven during their recent vacation on the island of Costa Rica.
The news reported yesterday that thousands of people who were in a coma miraculously woke up and doctors can’t explain it. There’s now an explanation: Kim Kartrashian hit the ho stroll AND she took her first selfie of 2017. We all have a reason to live in this world again!