As Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Kiss As Husband And Wife For The First Time, The Gates Of Hell Open Wide
If you squint real hard, you can almost make out the outline of a swarm of locusts flying toward the Gates of Hell.
Because Pimp Mama Kris and her family of hos know that they have E! to thank for helping to make them the biggest fame whores on the planet, she gave them these first pictures of her trophy ho Kim Kartrashian trying to beat Elizabeth Taylor’s divorce record by marrying her future third ex-husband Kanye West in front of a giant, gaping pussy slit in Florence. I know, it was nice of Kim to pay tribute to the sex tape that started it all. That’s supposed to be a wall of flowers, but it looks like a nasty wall of furry maggots, barnacles, anal wart pus, moldy cauliflower and foam from a rabid beast (Khloe). It’s fitting!
Kim wore an ugly kustom-made lobster bib dress designed by Kanye’s Italian spooning partner Riccardo Tisci and Kanye wore a Kanye butt plug under his Givenchy tuxedo. That dress look like the homely, dumpy stepsister of Duchess Kate’s dress and Kanye’s only smiling because his Kanye butt plug shifted while he was sashaying down the aisle and hit the right the spot. Or the photographer’s assistant knew how to get a smile out of him and held up a mirror real quick.
But the true stars of these pictures are Bruce Jenner and North West.
Bruce is making a queef face, because he knows he can work that dress way better than Kim did. And as always, North West is wondering to herself, “Harpo, who deez people?“
This is probably the same face Kanye West makes when he comes downstairs in the morning for breakfast and finds Pimp Mama Kris and Satan finishing the last of the coffee at the kitchen table. It’s sort of reminiscent of Gob Bluth’s “I’ve made a huge mistake” face. But according to Us Weekly, Kanye Kardashian managed to stuff his regret deep into the pit of his stomach long enough to rant out an insane delusion-soaked wedding speech at Saturday night’s Tacky Assholes Convention:
“They feel like it’s okay to put you on the tabloid covers to sell your image, to use you in an SNL spoof,” he said, per the observer. “We don’t negotiate. We’re not like that. We’re not stupid.” A little while later, he added, “The Kardashians are an industry!”
He also spoke about his and Kim’s inner circle, saying, “We are warriors! There is not one person at this table that has not had to defend us at some point or another.” Then, referring to a specific group of guests at the wedding, he added, “At this table…the combination of powers…can make the world a better place.” He called them “the most remarkable people of our time.”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to be more specific: who exactly from guest list of Z-list has-beens and never-wases is he referring to? But I will say that he’s right about one thing: the Kardashians can make the world a better place…by volunteering for Mars One. Ooh, maybe that’s what he meant? “Don’t worry guys, Ricardo and I will watch your stuff while you’re gone!”
And it looks like North West (or as her mother calls her: ‘Sorry, have we met before?’) wasn’t lucky enough to hitch a ride back to LA with The Sock One, because here she is with Grandma Goblin on their way to the airport. I bet every time North throws that “Who the fuck are you???” face, Kris Jenner texts a picture of Prince George snuggling Duchess Kate to Satan with the message: “Hey, can you find out how to train a baby do this?”
Poor Pimp Mama Kris. She can buy the fanciest coats and esspensive heels and a Chanel handbag and pump $10,000 worth of fillers into her Silly Putty face and get her hair did and her claws done and buy all the Photoshop that Adobe can make, and she still can’t hold a candle to Bruce Jenner’s radiant beauty. He just makes it look so effortless. Just slips on a pair of jeans and a clean white t-shirt, throws his hair back into a ponytail, and it’s like Brigitte Bardot had a baby with Audrey Hepburn that was put up for adoption and raised by an issue of Vogue Paris magazine and a jar of La Mer. As the French would say: Je t’aime Brucie, vous êtes magnifique.
Bruce really should know better though; a true beauty never tries to upstage a bride at her wedding. Look Brucie, I understand that Kim Kardashian is an ugly hag and it’s not difficult to look gorgeous by comparison, but even a rotten frozen-faced jizz goblin like Kim deserves one day to feel like a princess. Wouldn’t you feel just terrible if as you were walking Kim down the aisle, Kanye became hypnotized by your beauty, pushed Kim out of the way and told the priest to marry you two instead? Nobody expects you to wear a bag over your head, just try to remember that as a flawless 10, you should always be considerate of the less fortunate-looking.
Here’s more of Bruce Jenner performing an act of charity by joining the Kardashian Family of Tacky Ghouls™ for dinner in Paris. As usual, Kim has been browsing the Celebrity Dresses section of the Faviana website and decided to wear an Angelina Jolie-inspired dress that showed off one of her ham hocks. And I’m calling her leg a ham hock, because it looks about as life-like and human as one of Miss Piggy’s foam puppet legs.
But don’t go cancelling that order of eyewash bleach just yet. Pimp Mama Kris may not be doing Playboy, but she’s said nothing about Hustler, Penthouse, Juggs, Greasy Grandmas, Sluts of Satan, Viper Vadge, and Plastic Clownface MILFs Monthly. For now, though, let’s just celebrate the little miracle that is no Pimp Mama Pussy in Playboy.
According to E! Online, the owner of Kris’s Klassy Kall-Girls and the reason why Satan invented the term “Let it go to voicemail” actually did something to positively impact society when she gave an interview to KIIS FM’s Kyle and Jackie O Show and dispelled the awful, stomach-churning rumor that she would be following in her daughter’s footsteps by flashing her gash for cash in Playboy:
“Oh my God, no! I don’t think anybody wants to see me without any clothes on.”
For a woman who’s native language is Lies, these are the truest words she has ever spoken. Besides, there’s only one member of the Kardashian family of lost souls who’s able to serve the body-ody-ody needed for Playboy, and that’s Bruce Jenner. But that will never happen because Playboy is for ratchet hookers like Kim, not stunning land mermaids like Brucie.
And because this is Kris we’re talking about, she couldn’t get through the interview without mentioning the upcoming wedding of her bottom bitch (which is currently being billed as “A Celebration of Our Most Depraved Whores” in Hell):
“I don’t know about a plan. I said, ‘Let me do this, let’s do that, and I’d love to give you a party,’ and she said, ‘Mom, we just want to have it be a big surprise and we want you and everyone else to relax. You worked so hard the last time that we’re really excited to show you how it’s done in one of the cities we live in.’”
Kim then added: “Don’t worry mom, you’ll have plenty more weddings to plan for me and make money off of. I guarantee it.”
I thought I’d be strong enough to handle this, but I was so wrong. Immediately after I saw this picture of my beautiful earth angel Bruce Jenner smiling and holding hands with that morally bankrupt Botox dumpster Pimp Mama Kris - a she-devil I was certain he was free from the clutches of, mind you – I started cycling through the Kübler-Ross model of 5 stages of grief. At first I was in denial (“He’s just escorting a Michael Jackson impersonator through the airport!”), then anger (I broke every dish, glass, and crystal unicorn in my home, and lit a box of Wheaties on fire), bargaining (“Do you want me to carve up my nose into a silly putty penis?? I’ll do it! I’ll do anything to keep you from returning to that evil hag!”), followed by depression (listening to this song on repeat while weeping loudly on the kitchen floor).
But I finally reached acceptance. I’m a strong woman who can get over the hurt Juicy Brucie has caused. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right? Oh for fucks sakes, who am I kidding? I’m still at anger and depression. As of right now, I’m typing with one hand and tearing up my favorite pin-ups of Brucie while screaming the lyrics to “I Can’t Make You Love Me” at full-volume. Somebody PLEASE send the following to my apartment: 2 Fudgie the Whale cakes, 10 therapy dogs (puppies pls), and Kelly Clarkson to sing “Stronger”. It’s going to be a long night.
Here’s more of that cold heartless bitch Brucie Jenner joyfully prancing around with Satan’s most sickening slut (no, literally; Satan can barely get through a blow job without barfing all over her head) at LAX. Trailing closely behind, of course, is Kash Kow Kim, looking the definition of tacky and cheap, along with The No-Talent Trio: Khloe-tron, The Model One, and notoriously good hitter Marla Hooch:
The good news is this rumor is coming from the UK tabloid Heat (via the Mirror) which means it’s most likely as fake and fraudulent as everything the Kardashians do and it was also probably leaked (sorry for that word mixed with that picture) by Pimp Mama Kris herself to build up her ~kool mom~ kred. The bad news is that the life-killing image of Pimp Mama Kris’ naked and Photoshopped body sprawled onto the pages of Playboy has already been burned into the deepest part of your brain and side effects of that include stopping fuck times with your piece halfway through to go into the shower and cry while rubbing Irish Spring onto your eyeballs.
Some source (read: either PMK herself or the makers of Dramamine who want to boost sales by giving the public non-stop nausea) said that PMK feels like her body is Playboy-ready and now is the time to spread her KKK maker in Playboy. The source farted this nugget out:
“Kris has been talking about posing for Playboy magazine for a while now. She’s in the best shape of her life and is keen to show it off. The bikini shot she posted on Instagram recently was well received that she’s said, ‘Why not?’”
PMK led Kim Kartrashian down the fame whore path to becoming the fame whore of all fame whores and now she’s following in her prized ho’s fame whore steps. First comes the sex tape, second comes the Playboy spread. Actually, first comes the sex tape, second comes the death of civilization, because I don’t think humanity can survive after a PMK sex tape. But I refuse to believe that Hugh Hefner would let this happen. ANYBODY but PMK on the cover of Playboy! If it happened, Hugh Heffa needs to officially retire from making decisions beyond choosing between tapioca or vanilla and choosing between the bleached blonde with the DDDs or the bleached blonde with the EEEs to screw.
Here’s the Kartrashians at LAX last night before getting on a flight to Korea, and sadly I don’t mean North Korea.
Direct your prayers to the people of Vienna, Austria today, because a plastic clown-faced famewhore and her Satan’s Seal of Approval mother are terrorizing their city as we speak. It looks like Pimp Mama Kris needed a bit of extra plastic surgery cash, because she pimped out Kash Kow Kimmy for $500,000 to 81-year-old business tycoon Richard Lugner. Every year, Richard
pays invites a high-profile whore escort prostitute guest to escort him to the Vienna Opera Ball. Past guests have included Parasite Hilton, Carmen Electra, Pamela Anderson, so you know he only chooses the classiest of skanks.
However, according to Radar, it took Richard about 0.02 seconds to realize he made a terrible investment. DUH! Everybody knows you never put your money on the piss-covered ho!
“Kim is annoying me,” Lugner told reporters. “Because she’s not sticking to the program.”
Only hours after her arrival, Lugner claimed, the reality star stood him up to go to a Schnitzel restaurant with her mom Jenner, and film scenes for her reality show.
“She’s filming and so she doesn’t want to have me around,” he said. The 81-year-old angrily insisted, “The guest should be with me and not anywhere else that is not agreed upon.”
And even when it comes to scheduled appearances, Kardashian has made it clear she won’t follow his schedule. Though Lugner had told press he would dance with her at 11:45 p.m. during the ball, Kardashian said in a press conference that she’d have mom Jenner take her place, explaining, “I’d rather watch the dancing.”
You’ll be watching, all right; watching that $500,000 cheque dance out of you bank account. What in the hell is wrong with Pimp Mama Kris?? Has she lost all control of her ho? Does Silky Johnson need to step in and teach a pimp how its done?
And I need to send somebody at Radar a deluxe muffin basket, because they are killing it with this story about Kim’s melted drowsy candle-face. Radar has pointed out that Kim’s face looks much more frozen than usual and thinks she hit up Botox-R-Us before leaving for Austria. Personally, I don’t think it’s Botox; homegirl looks she’s been injecting face with melted-down Beast Man action figures, because bitch is a hard shade of orange plastic:
Here’s more of Kim at a mall in Vienna watching negotiations between her pimp and a john. And by the way, Kim…you can put the microphone down now – you don’t need to keep reminding everyone how you became famous:
I’m reporting this news to you from the emergency room at Mercy General Hospital, because after learning from TMZ that Mah Boo Brucie might be leaving Keeping Up With The Koven of Kosmetically-Altered Kronies, I blew out my vocal cords screaming YAAAASSSS and suffered instant dehydration when all the water vacated my body through my tear ducts. I have literally never been happier in my life; sorry, future baby or footlong sub, but you’ll always be second-best to this:
Sources connected to both the Kardashian family and the production tell TMZ … Bruce will NOT come back for another season of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” if the network picks it up. The family is currently shooting the last installment of the series … and even if it gets renewed we’re told Bruce wants out.
Bruce now reluctantly takes part in the show … but only when it’s absolutely necessary. Whenever possible he’ll shoot his scenes in Malibu — where he now lives.
We’re told Bruce has a clear vision of his life as soon as the season ends … golfing, spending time with his kids — off camera — flying helicopters and riding motorcycles.
Of course, Pimp Mama Kris is denying that one of her minions is defecting to a life free of shamelessly sucking off Satan for fame. If she thinks we believe that bullshit, then clearly working that pole caused too much Botox to rush to her brain.
And what’s this about Bruce wanting to fly helicopters and ride motorcycles? Excuse your ignorance; clearly this source doesn’t know Bruce as well as they think they do. Once Bruce is officially free from those evil hags, his days will be spent turning down marriage proposals from Saudi princes, holding hourly fashion shows by the pool, brushing his hair 1,000,000 strokes (only chumps like Marcia Brady stop at 1,000), and choreographing dances to Destiny’s Child in the garage. And maybe if he starts to miss Hollywood juuuust a bit, he could record a Welcome to My Home video (I just crossed my fingers so tightly, I broke them all off).
Just as a reminder of what Bruce is leaving behind (and NEVAH looking back), here’s Kim shooting Keeping Up With The Koven with Ciara. I don’t know what’s going on with Kim’s hair, but Blanket Jackson does, and he’s not thrilled about that useless cum-dipped bridge troll stealing his look.
The only transitioning I care about is how Bruce Jenner is transitioning to a life of freedom after his harrowing escape from the clutches of the Kardashian Koven. I shed a tear every time I think about that poor man being held captive by that awful family, and how brave he had to be to endure more than 20 years of their sadistic torture and awful-looking faces.
Even though I thought I already explained everything you need to know about Bruce Jenner’s gorgeous nails (basically, you should consider cutting off your own hands and replacing them with those foam Hulk hands, because they’ll never be as beautiful and elegant as his) Entertainment Tonight (via The Daily Mail) still wanted to find out what was up with Bruce. Instead of just accepting that Brucie is a stone-cold 10 (deal with it) Kris Jenner has offered this explanation of his hands:
“Well, he wears clear. I dunno. I think when he gets his nails buffed they put clear [nail polish]. The bottom line is we sell magazines. Ninety-nine percent of the stuff in the media, tabloids is made up.”
From your lips to Satan’s ears, Kris. I don’t even know if I used that phrase right – I just wanted to give you the gross mental image of Kris Jenner whispering sweet nothings to Satan, and the follow-up image of Satan swatting her away, going “Stop it, you’re giving me the creeps. Don’t you have a child that needs pimping out somewhere?”
I wish Kris had just responded like a normal person and said: “Who cares? He has long fingernails” but there I go again assuming that Kris is a normal person and not a desperate-for-attention, soul-sucking viper from the pits of Hell. I should be more surprised that she didn’t try to lead Entertainment Tonight on for ratings. “Why does Bruce have long nails? Oh, I don’t know…maybe you could say this season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians is all about transsssformations. Wink! I have to say ‘wink’ because my eyes no longer open and close on command.”
But before we get into the PlasticFace vs. PlasticFace war of 2014, let’s all slow clap for the artiste who pasted Kanye West’s head onto that picture in Photoshop. It almost looks like he was actually spending time with his kid and she isn’t hugging on her favorite weekday nanny instead.
So, during her stand-up show at the Saban Theater in L.A. on Friday night, Joan Rivers did what Joan Rivers does: drag hos and this time she dragged a baby. Joan told the audience about how Kim Kartrashian brought North into the E! offices one day and she got a good look at the Illuminati’s chosen one. According to Radar, the woman who gave birth to Melissa Rivers said this about Baby Seaweed’s looks and all-natural eyebrow situation:
“That baby is ugly… I’ve never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a waxing.”
That is everyone’s cue to put on a gas mask and stay inside until the US Environmental Protection Agency tells us it’s clear, because the air will fill with toxic clouds of burnt plastic, charred silicone, melting rubber, scorched Botox and exploding gay fish anus when Pimp Mama Kris, Kanye and Joan Rivers go at it over this. Oh, what am I saying. PMK probably sent Joan a basket full of Liquid Nails (Botox is for amateurs) and labia bleaching cream as a thank you gift for giving her future little money maker more attention.