You Knew This Was Koming: Pimp Mama Kris Makes Bruce Jenner’s Transition All About Her In An E! Special
Pimp Mama Kris and her main money-making whores, the KKKs, had no comment for ABC News when they were asked to give one for Bruce Jenner’s big 2-hour coming out party. Kendall™ and Kylie™ spit out a joint statement into ABC News’ hands. PMK, her KKKs and Black Sheep Kartrashian (aka Rob) eventually tweeted words of support for Bruce the night of his interview, but there’s no way they’d miss out on an opportunity to get a whole lot of ratings and attention by pimping out their feelings in a special for E!. Pimp Mama Kris didn’t disappoint us or the shameless fame whores who look to her for inspiration.
Today, E! shat out a clip from an upcoming 2-part special called Keeping Up With The Kardashians: About Bruce (more like “Krapping Up The Kartrashians: About Bruce But Mostly About Us Us Us Us”). Bruce Jenner told Diane Sawyer that he was on female hormones when he hooked up with PMK and she knew about his transition. But in the clip, PMK acts like this is brand new information to her while Kim Kartrashian says the scripted lines that were written for her. When Kummy Kakes tells PMK to let go, PMK really goes for that Emmy by squirting out krocodile tears.
The clip is after the cut, because it autoplays, so brace your ear drums to be hit with the sound of Kummy Kakes’ voice as soon as you cross over.
Eyelash mogul/model/video ho/plastic surgery wonder Blac Chyna dragged 17-year-old Kylie Jenner by the chalupa lips the other day when she Instagrammed a picture of her wearing rubber lips the size of a rhino’s butt labia. Blac Chyna wasn’t done having a little Instagram fun and last night she threw up text messages that the father of her son King Cairo allegedly sent her. Blac Chyna wants everyone to know that while Tyga is waiting for his little girlfriend to finish having fun at a McDonald’s Playplace, he’s begging her to spend time with him and be one big happy, messy family. Blac Chyna exposed Tyga (or “Kings Father” as she calls his ass) with these screen shots:
Tyga didn’t call Blac Chyna out by name, but responded by tweeting: “Give it up.Get over it. Live Your Life. I ain’t here for the tea. Focus on what’s real in life. And surround yourself with people that you really care about.its simple.”
Really, fighting over Tyga? Does his dick cum Juvéderm or something? Just like when my dad would tell me that he’s going to visit me over the weekend, I’ve been throwing a suspicious squint at this silicone love triangle since the beginning. You can’t trust anything a Kardashian (even a Kardashian-adjacent like Kylie Jenner) does. I bet they’re all in on it together and Pimp Mama Kris has been pulling all of their strings. PMK probably wrote, produced and directed this stunt. And tonight, she’ll try to yank all the attention away from Bruce Jenner’s big interview with Diane Sawyer by live streaming a three-way wedding between Blac Chyna, Tyga and Wite Chyna (aka Kylie) in Las Vegas. I’m on to all of them!
And here’s Kylie, PMK (brace yourself for the sight of PMK in hooker boots), Khlozilla and those other ones leaving some restaurant last night.
And in “What Is Lindsay Lohan Causing Possible Damage To Now” news. London’s current problem Lindsay Lohan is currently unemployed (unless you count juggling lawsuits as a job, in which case bitch is working overtime), which means she has a lot more time to take pictures of herself apropos of nothing. So on Saturday she Tweeted a picture of herself looking like a down-on-her-luck Carmen Sandiego two days before the rent is due with the caption: “Break the Internet with clothes on
I’m not sure Lindsay knows how the internet works, because if every picture of a nearly-topless tramp in 10lbs of fake hair could break the internet, Instagram would have already shattered the internet worse than Mama June’s knee cartilage. Or maybe this is just one of the Apricot Ashtray’s classic grifts. First she claims the internet was broken when she got it, then demands she receive a new internet plus a full refund of her money and a handful of coupons. I used to work retail, I know how damaged goods scams work.
Speaking of damaged goods, she also took a picture of her hanging out with the President of the Diskount Hooker Warehouse Kris Jenner and the Kardashian family’s official spackle applicator Joyce Bonelli:
That sound you just heard was the internet cracking under the weight of PMKs thirsty fame whore game.
Yes, that is the O face Pimp Mama Kris made after she drew a pentagram (that’s her official signature) in blood on her new contract with E!. I understand if you need to clear your cookies, shut down your browser, turn off your laptop and dip it in holy water while vowing to never ever think of Dlisted again. I deserve it for throwing this dark-sided, unholy shit at you.
Page Six says that this country’s nightmare has been extended for another 4 years. Pimp Mama Kris has once again earned the title of Pimp of the Year by brokering a “record breaking” deal worth $100 million. PMK’s wax-covered, Botox-filled ATMs including Kummy Kakes, Khlozilla, The Slow One, Kendull and Kylie Jenner are all part of the deal. Bruce Jenner is not and neither is that one who lives under the stairs and only scurries out to grab a sandwich or a cupcake left on the kitchen island. I forgot his name and I’m sure they have too. Page Six says this deal is the biggest in reality shit show history.
The deal that is making the flames in Hell rise higher covers at least 4 more seasons of Keeping Up with the Kartrashians as well as new seasons of those Kourtney and Khloe Take (insert the name of the poor city they’re terrorizing here) shows. Thanks to E!’s deal with the devil, Khlozilla will continue to do red carpet stuff for them, Kummy Kakes will produce her own shows and PMK may open up a Kartrashian channel on YouTube. The source also spit out these fightin’ words:
“You’ll be seeing a lot more of the Kardashian family. This is a huge deal, which will see their involvement with the network and its digital properties expand well into the future.”
So that’s why I heard a high-pitched cackle echo through the land this morning. It was Ryan Seacrest, that evil midget minotaur with a blonde wig covering his whittled down horns, cackling as even more gold coins filled his pot.
This deal isn’t surprising. PMK has the E! exclamation point wrapped around her claw. If E! didn’t have the Kartrashians, what would they do? Greenlight a cooking show hosted by Giuliana Rancic? This world. It really is a sad day in America when Krapping Up on the Kartrashians is renewed for 4 more seasons and yet quality television like Flavor of Love isn’t on the air anymore.
And here’s Kim dressed like a day-shift Hunts Point hooker circa 1991 (no offense to day-shift Hunts Point hookers circa 1991) while going to the Brit Awards with Kanye yesterday.
I know – you can finally sleep through the night tonight without tossing and turning and wondering if the Drowsy-Faced Queen of the Koven made it to the annual Kardashian Khristmas Eve party. It was rumored that Kim Kardashian wasn’t going to make an appearance at Pimp Mama Kris’ annual celebration, but it looks like Santa and Baby Jesus got together and made a Christmas miracle, because she showed up. Kim’s professional famous friends Brittny Gastineau and Salacious B. Crumb Cheban both posted several photobooth pictures of Kim and her current husband Kanye West partying at the Kardashian Kash Kompound on Christmas Eve to Instagram. Meanwhile, the small human they like to take pictures with was up on the roof Tweeting: “@NorthWest: Any tips for sneaking into Santa’s sleigh? Need to get out of here ASAP #help #saveme”
No word on why it was rumored that Kim and Kanye Kardashian were thinking of skipping the party, but maybe it had something to do with TMZ saying they’re sad that they’re having trouble making a new photo op prop. Apparently Kim and Kanye have been trying to get knocked up for the past 9 months. S0meone needs to tell them that you have a better chance of getting pregnant if you’re both in the same city at the same time.
But enough about those two boring bowls of unsalted cashews trying to make another potential paycheck for PMK. Let’s focus on the real shimmering Christmas Star of the Kardashian Khristmas Party: HUMAN TREE-TOP ANGEL HIMSELF BRUCE JENNER!
Please ignore those two tragic 2s on either side and focus on the 10 in the middle. Because Christmas is the season of giving, Bruce decided to give the greatest gift of all – himself – and put in some face time at his ex-wife’s house. Look at that smile – that’s the face of a man who no longer has to wake up ever morning sandwiched between Pimp Mama Kris and Lucifer.
And here are some more picture’s from PMK’s celebration of cash…er…I mean, Christmas, including Khloe Kardashian almost flashing her figgy pudding:
If you haven’t been able to keep any food down ever since you suffered through that dark-sided video of Pimp Mama Kris opening her legs and torturing a candy cane, then prepare for your stomach to put an “Out Of Business” sign over itself after you watch the newest video of her assault on Christmas. If I have to suffer, we all have to suffer!
Because PMK’s boss Lucifer wants to destroy the birthday of his rival’s son for everyone, she once again joined unholy forces with Love Magazine to do an advent calendar video and this time she did it with her soon-to-be top girl Kendall Jenner. The video is like a cross between a production of Chicago at The Ninth Circle Playhouse and a scene from Mean Girls if Mean Girls was a horror movie directed by David Cronenberg. If Regina George’s mom had a Rosemary’s Baby, it would be Pimp Mama Kris!
The opening scene of this mess of a video has to be the most terrifying thing ever captured on video. At first, I breathed a sigh of relief, because I thought that maybe it was Bruce Jenner giving us Santa Baby sultriness. But then the camera panned all the way up to reveal the pimp Grinch who is ruining Christmas with her desperate cool mom moves while her money maker danced like an animatronic stripper on Vicodin and wine.
Kristmas is truly the scariest HOliday of them all.
And yes, I’ll save you a spot at holy water bin, because you will need to thoroughly cleanse your eyeballs after this.
From what I’ve gleaned in the 0.03 seconds of Keeping Up With The Klassless Trashians that I’ve seen, it was my understanding that Pimp Mama Kris is the one who kalls all the shots in that family, like what you wear, how many times a year you get married, the best time to accidentally leak a sex tape. But recently, PMK’s most profitable ho Kim Kardashian pulled a gutsy move and sent her mother an email telling her to fix her shit, fashion-wise. Is that drowsy-looking hooker crazy? Rule no. 1: never come for the bitch who controls your checking account!
Pimp Mama Kris posted a screen-grab of the email to Instagram yesterday, and yes, Kim Kardashian writes exactly how you’d think that lazy trick would write. Terrible spelling, and not a capital letter or period in sight. I’m sure spambots read this email and were like “###damn KIMKARDASHIAN, even my aunt who makes $7,956/hr working fromhome selling #1 top quality enhancement pills uses proper sentence structure###“.
Well, that was blunt – she didn’t even try to sugar-coat it. Or maybe her version of sugar-coating is deleting the words “LISTEN UP, U UGLY HAG” from the subject line. Either way, like Kim is in any position to give fashion advice. Hooker please, you sell clothes at Sears! Sure, PMK dresses like a real estate agent’s interpretation of Wednesday Addams, but that’s no worse than looking like an overstuffed sausage in heels, like some people. Kim, just because your current husband has the creative director of Givench as the #1 on his speed-dial doesn’t make you the honorary queen of fashion.
Speaking of over-stuffed sausages in heels, here’s Kim looking like a boiled weisswurst while visiting a laser clinic with a comically-assed Khloe Kardashian and cold bowl of soggy Special K Kendull Jenner yesterday.
Just when you think that rubber-faced hustler couldn’t dig any lower into the bottom of the barrel (bitch could hit wood and will keep digging ’till her shovel reached the Earth’s core), Kris Jenner has found a new way to pimp someone out, and for the first time in recent history, it’s not one of the drowsy hookers who fell from her pimp krotch! PMK recently released a cook book called In The Kitchen With Kris (working title: What’s A Kitchen?) and according to Page Six, one of the recipes inside features chicken nachos à la the late Nicole Brown Simpson. Keep it klassy, Kris!
that chicken nachos are the first things she thinks of when she remembers Nicole Simpson, because she was an amazing cook and putting chicken on tortilla chips was sort-of her specialty. Kris says Nicole’s chicken nachos were so good, they had a cult following. DUH – nachos are delicious! Has Kris never had nachos before? Because she’s really losing her shit over these nachos. I bet next she’ll tell us about this really awesome cheese dip Khloe makes called “kay-soh”.
I’m glad Kris has found a way to honor her friend, but naming a nacho recipe in your krappy kook book after her? Nicole Brown Simpson must be sitting by the pool in heaven thinking: “Really bitch? My food legacy was Velveeta melted on corn chips? Fuck off, Kris.” Everyone knows the food-as-heartfelt-memory hierarchy is as follows: fruit pie, cream pie, chili, soup/chowder, holiday stuffing, then maybe if your desperate, lemonade. Nacho recipes are for dentists and old college roommates! Nachos. SMH.
And if nachos aren’t your thing, I’m sure Kris has a recipe somewhere in that book for the food that reminds her the most of her daughter, Kim Kardashian: hot dogs! “My daughter Kim has always loved to put wieners in her mouth.” Here’s Kris’ highest earning hooker looking like a goth slug while filming KUWTK yesterday:
I should’ve warned you in the headline to protect your monitor with Saran Wrap before lowering your innocent eyeballs to that picture, because most of your screen is probably covered with bile. Although, your bile is a lot more attractive than that picture of Satan’s proudest creations. Seen above looking like Hell’s answer to Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi, the ball of crusted milk stuck in humanity’s nipple slit known as Justin Bieber and Pimp Mama Kris joined unholy forces to take this picture at the birthday part of Kanye West’s boo Riccardo Tisci in Ibiza last night. The Biebs really wanted to push your hangover over the edge and into a pool of boiling barf by adding the note: “@kendalljenner @kyliejenner who’s your daddy.” The thought of the Biebs creating a dusty cloud of death dust by humping on PMK is enough to make your brain melt and drip out of your ears, but maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing. Because PMK’s succubus snatch would swallow that bitch whole and after the dark orb in her body sucked out all of his youth and fame, she’d spit him out of her asshole and he’d be nothing but a wrinkled shell of a human (like Bruce Jenner, basically).
Ibiza became Hell on EARTH last night when PMK, the Biebs, Kim Kartrashian, Kanye West and Kendull Jenner all gathered together for Riccardo Tisci’s birthday. If you’re like me and wondering where Orlando Bloom’s flying fist was when we needed it most, apparently, Justin Bieber is the King Joffrey of Ibiza, because he got that ho banned from Riccardo’s party. Page Six says that Orlando Bloom tried to get in, but Justin Bieber whined to the party’s “organizers” and told them to block that ho. The Biebs probably threatened to cry if the organizers let that big, bad Orlando in and the organizers did what he said, because nobody likes a crying baby.
And after the party, Kim Instagramm’d this picture of her terrifying Billy the Puppet whore face in front of a sleeping Gay Fish with the note: “Side chicks be like….”
We’ve all given Kim shit for her crappy Photoshop skills, but she’s obviously gotten a lot better. I mean, she completely erased a naked Riccardo Tisci from Kanye’s side and you can’t even tell. That looks like the original picture. Good job, Kummy Cakes!
Adrienne Bailon Defends Talking Shit About Rob Kardashian And Takes A Nasty Swipe At Kim Kardashian While Doing So
Earlier this week, Latina magazine released an interview they did with Rob Kardashian’s ex-girlfriend Adrienne Bailon (seen here looking like a factory second from Pimp Mama Kris’s Diskount Kim Warehouse) in which she referred to being associated with the Kardashians as “hurtful” to her career. Because she has nothing better to do, Kim Kardashian responded to Adrienne’s remarks by coming for her on Twitter. Instead of tweeting back “Calm down hooker, go take care of your kid” and calling it a day, Adrienne wrote a long-ass message and posted it to Instagram in an attempt to clarify her comments about Rob, but also to hiss hot fire back in Kim’s flammable face:
“Fame and a Career are two different things. I’ve always had a career. I have been working hard since I was 15 years old. Being someone’s “girlfriend” was never what I wanted to be famous for.
What makes you “famous” isn’t always what you want to be “labeled” as, or known for. If anyone should understand that…It should be you.
I also stated in the article that none of this would have stopped me from being in love and being in that relationship. I just would have gone about it differently. You can love someone just as much in private. We all learn from our first loves.”
Ooooh, that second line! Insert latriceroyaleshade.gif here. At first I didn’t think much of Adrienne, having fucked The Sock One and all, but now I want to send her a muffin basket filled with all blueberry crumbles (no raisin brans for that subtle shade-throwing bitch!). The library is open Kim, and your narcoleptic porn star ass just got READ. Ironically, that’s probably the first time Kim has ever been in a library.
And as much as I love Adrienne, and I really do, bitch has GOT TO STOP talking about the Kardashians! If I were in her position, I would go to my grave denying that I ever dated one of Kris Jenner’s krotch goblins.
Speaking of, here’s the Silly Putty-faced pimp herself along with her two best hookers leaving for Ibiza yesterday. Kris must have figured that if LiLo was there, it must be crawling with wealthy johns, so she packed up her highest-earning bitches. Click clack!