And just like that, Tim Gunn received an invoice from Kardashian family pimp Kris Jenner with a copy of that headline and a note saying: “Just letting you know that sort of thing costs extra.”
If you woke up this morning with a little extra pep in your step, you can thank the no-fucks-giving angel of truth Tim Gunn. Once again, Tim opened his heart and released a million warm feelings during a recent interview with the Huffington Post while talking about America’s First Family of Frozen-Faced Tackiness. It all started when Tim was asked his thoughts on Kanye West’s latest collection of crappy clothing. Somewhere in Hell, Satan is already sweating the angry conference call he’s about to get from Pimp Mama Kris and her kurrent favorite son-in-law.
And everyone gets an F! That’s not how you dress up as a pregnant Kim Kartrashian. What you have to do is buy 5 of the biggest plastic beach balls you can find, fill them with gallons upon gallons of soil jelly and strap 2 to your chest, 2 to your ass cheeks and 1 to your belly. Once you’ve done that, put on 6 pairs of Spanx and wrap your body in several layers of Saran Wrap before you get 4 of your strongest friends and a truck with a trailer hitch to squeeze you into a size 2 Spandex dress in either black or beige. If you’re able to breathe through your mouth while wearing that dress, it’s not tight enough. So get your friends to cut you out of it and put you in a smaller one. You will know if the dress is the right size if it’s so tight that you have to breathe out of your asshole. After you achieve that, slap a rubber trout mask over your face and get someone to spray you down with orange paint. There you go! Knocked Up Kim!
Ex-NBA player and ex-Khloe Kardashian husband Lamar Odom is showing definite signs of improvement, according to various sources. TMZ is reporting that Lamar is experiencing “the best 24 hours he has had so far.” We can all agree that this is due to most of the Kardashians leaving the hospital, right? Who needs Lourdes (the town with the magical God fountain in France, not Madge’s daughter) when all you need is that fame whore trash taken out of your hospital room?
As you know, Odom was in a coma for four days after he was found knocked out at a brothel just outside of Pahrump, NV in Crystal. He’s recovering at Sunrise Hospital in Las Vegas.
Lamar Odom is reportedly still in a coma and his condition is still really, really bad after he was found passed out with mucus-like liquid coming out of his mouth on the floor of a VIP suite in the Love Ranch South, a brothel in Nevada. Khloe Kartrashian, Kim Kartrashian and Pimp Mama Kris ran their asses off to Las Vegas to be with Lam Lam last night, and of course a kamera krew came along to capture it all. Yes, a man who was a part of their family is dying, but there is a thing called November sweeps.
“Hey girls, meet your new sister – Katniss Kardashian! Yes, she’s about 28 lbs too light in the ass, but I’m sure a couple visits to the Kardashian Khompound’s In-House Rump Plumper will take care of that.”
Sometime late last night, Satan’s right-hand hooker and reason for upgrading his phone plan to include call display, Kris Jenner, wrapped her hooves around America’s Fart-Ripping Girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence, summoned one of her minions to take a picture, and released to the internet. I’ve seen The Exorcist, I know what’s happening here – this is what it looks like the moment before you’re about to be possessed by a dark-sided social-climbing demon. (Crosses self, reaches for the holy water) I’m going to need an old priest, a young priest, and an extra-large pepperoni pizza. Back away from the legitimate celebrity, Kris!
“Happy Birthday you piece of shit… God I love you #Jenniferlawrence thanks for making this night a night to remember…..even if we did get caught… I love you Happy Birthday Gorgeous!!! #Bible #momager #doll”
Somewhere in a giant pile of unsold socks, Pimp Mama Kris’ lowest earner Rob Kardashian read the words “you piece of shit” and got a little jealous.
I still have no idea what Kris Jenner and Jennifer Lawrence were doing in the same picture. I guess the only explanation I can come to is that a hungry hungry JLaw uttered the words “I’d do anything for a dozen deep-fried donut-glazed chicken wings” in her kitchen one night, at which point Lucifer appeared through a firey hole in her kitchen floor and hissed “I think I can arrange that. The only thing is, you’re going to have to do some truly despicable shit for them.” Then Lucifer escorted JLaw to a hotel room containing an iPhone and the Pimp Mistress (who took one look at JLaw, started thinking about how much attention she was about to receive, and nearly blew out the load-bearing beam in her nose by hyperventilating too hard). You know JLaw was probably like “Is it too late to sell you my soul instead?”
Kris Jenner, Pimp Mama Hall of Famer and forever second fiddle to the perpetually attention-hungry hydra known as the Kardashian-Jenner sisters, was graciously given the cover of something called Haute Living magazine. Although if you squint hard enough (and do enough vision-altering drugs and delude yourself enough and repeat the word vogue over and over again), it almost looks like she’s on the cover of VOGUE. Good job, Kris – you’ve truly earned it!
So patient zero for the Kardashian outbreak did an interview with Haute Living, which I assume is an above-ground sister publication to Hot Living (Hell’s best-selling monthly style magazine). She also sort of looks like someone you’d find in the background of the waiting room scene in Beetlejuice, but we’ll get to that a little later. The interview is loooong, which is crazy, because you don’t really need that many words to say “YAAAAY! I’M FUCKING FAMOUS!!!!“. But Kris said a lot. She also managed to pick n’ flick a teensy-tiny booger of shade at her other kids (“Me too?” thought former sock hustler Rob Kardashian, with a twinkle of hope in his eye) while talking about her kurrent favorite child, Kourtney.
Yesterday, TMZ posted a grainy picture of Khloe Kartrashian looking like she’s making a phone call while her soon-to-be ex-husband Lamar Odom approaches her on the street at 6:45 in the morning. Witnesses told TMZ that Khloe was on her way to a class at SoulCycle when Lam Lam “ambushed” her on the street and screamed at her before grabbing her arm. A witness threatened to call the cops, which made Lamar blurt out, “You’re not going to call the cops on Lamar Odom.” Khloe asked him how he knew she was going to be there before getting into her car and driving away. That was TMZ’s version, but Lamar says it didn’t happen like that and he also shat on the House of Harvey Levin for being biased against black celebrities.
In a momentous occasion (not really), Caitlyn Jenner allowed herself to be selfied with her ex Kris Jenner for the first time since her transition. Caitlyn’s step-irritant, worst-selling author Kim Kardashian, built an Instagram bridge between the two. You can almost see Pimp Mama Kris’ glistening intestine lips about to burst off her face due to the pressure-cooked jealous rage within.
Caitlyn is the epitome of grace and class (when she’s not killing people) and the gift of her photographic presence to Kris is an object lesson in generosity, or something. Because PMK has done little but try and destroy Caitlyn’s rebirth from the get-go. It didn’t work. And her ex looks more sumptuous in the mug and mop than she ever will! Eat it, hag!
Caitlyn extended her graciousness by hugging Kris goodbye after the party (see the vid below). Caitlyn went off to declare herself the new Queen of Social Media and Kris returned to the bubbling kauldron of hate she’s utilizing for a Satanic rite to voodoo Caitlyn from everyone’s collective memory.
This went down at Kylie Jenner’s first of too many 18th birthday celebrations at Nobu in Malibu yesterday. The whole klan was there. TMZ reports that Tyga bought his mature business woman/home-owner girlfriend Kylie Jenner a Mercedes-Benz SUV in cherry red. These girls must be a veritable party when they’re told “no.” (UPDATE from Michael: That custom G-wagon from Tyga was a recycled gift. It used to belong to his baby mother Blac Chyna. Awkward!)
As the top 10 Republican presidential candidates entertained a nation with some good old-fashioned foolery, this mess happened.
Variety says that Hillary Clinton hit L.A. last night and went to a fundraiser thrown by Justin Bieber’s manager Scooter Braun and that’s where she met the reigning fame whore rulers of the ho stroll Pimp Mama Kris, Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West. Scooter Braun AND Pimp Mama Kris?! Lord, if Hillary Clinton really wants to secure the fame whore vote, she should’ve went to a more respectable event like a fundraiser thrown by Phoebe Price and Bai Ling in front of Kitson.
TMZ says that people at the event were told to not take pictures of Hillary, but she made an exception for the Kuntrashians. Hillary posed for an Instagram portrait with PMK and became the meat in an attention whore sandwich when she posed for a selfie with Kummy Kakes and Kanye. The shit you gotta do for a vote:
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) August 7, 2015
Maybe Hillary posed with PMK, because it’s her way of saying that she’s got this game so locked up that she can pose with one of Satan’s mutated ass warts and still win it all.
Seen above looking like a Predator working the prosthetic butt that Martin Lawrence wore in Big Momma’s House, Khloe Kartrashian is on the cover of
Komplex Complex and in the interview, she brings the heave-summoning jacked-up foolery in heavy doses. Khloe defends Kylie Jenner’s relationship with PedoTyga and also tells us what it sounds like when Pimp Mama Kris fucks. If you really don’t feel like torturing your stomach and soul, skip the words that Khloe sharted up and watch this video of a bull dog trying to climb into a tiny folding chair instead. That bulldog works the “ass out, head over shoulder” pose a million times better than Khlozilla does.