“Hey girls, meet your new sister – Katniss Kardashian! Yes, she’s about 28 lbs too light in the ass, but I’m sure a couple visits to the Kardashian Khompound’s In-House Rump Plumper will take care of that.”
Sometime late last night, Satan’s right-hand hooker and reason for upgrading his phone plan to include call display, Kris Jenner, wrapped her hooves around America’s Fart-Ripping Girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence, summoned one of her minions to take a picture, and released to the internet. I’ve seen The Exorcist, I know what’s happening here – this is what it looks like the moment before you’re about to be possessed by a dark-sided social-climbing demon. (Crosses self, reaches for the holy water) I’m going to need an old priest, a young priest, and an extra-large pepperoni pizza. Back away from the legitimate celebrity, Kris!
“Happy Birthday you piece of shit… God I love you #Jenniferlawrence thanks for making this night a night to remember…..even if we did get caught… I love you Happy Birthday Gorgeous!!! #Bible #momager #doll”
Somewhere in a giant pile of unsold socks, Pimp Mama Kris’ lowest earner Rob Kardashian read the words “you piece of shit” and got a little jealous.
I still have no idea what Kris Jenner and Jennifer Lawrence were doing in the same picture. I guess the only explanation I can come to is that a hungry hungry JLaw uttered the words “I’d do anything for a dozen deep-fried donut-glazed chicken wings” in her kitchen one night, at which point Lucifer appeared through a firey hole in her kitchen floor and hissed “I think I can arrange that. The only thing is, you’re going to have to do some truly despicable shit for them.” Then Lucifer escorted JLaw to a hotel room containing an iPhone and the Pimp Mistress (who took one look at JLaw, started thinking about how much attention she was about to receive, and nearly blew out the load-bearing beam in her nose by hyperventilating too hard). You know JLaw was probably like “Is it too late to sell you my soul instead?”
Kris Jenner, Pimp Mama Hall of Famer and forever second fiddle to the perpetually attention-hungry hydra known as the Kardashian-Jenner sisters, was graciously given the cover of something called Haute Living magazine. Although if you squint hard enough (and do enough vision-altering drugs and delude yourself enough and repeat the word vogue over and over again), it almost looks like she’s on the cover of VOGUE. Good job, Kris – you’ve truly earned it!
So patient zero for the Kardashian outbreak did an interview with Haute Living, which I assume is an above-ground sister publication to Hot Living (Hell’s best-selling monthly style magazine). She also sort of looks like someone you’d find in the background of the waiting room scene in Beetlejuice, but we’ll get to that a little later. The interview is loooong, which is crazy, because you don’t really need that many words to say “YAAAAY! I’M FUCKING FAMOUS!!!!“. But Kris said a lot. She also managed to pick n’ flick a teensy-tiny booger of shade at her other kids (“Me too?” thought former sock hustler Rob Kardashian, with a twinkle of hope in his eye) while talking about her kurrent favorite child, Kourtney.
Yesterday, TMZ posted a grainy picture of Khloe Kartrashian looking like she’s making a phone call while her soon-to-be ex-husband Lamar Odom approaches her on the street at 6:45 in the morning. Witnesses told TMZ that Khloe was on her way to a class at SoulCycle when Lam Lam “ambushed” her on the street and screamed at her before grabbing her arm. A witness threatened to call the cops, which made Lamar blurt out, “You’re not going to call the cops on Lamar Odom.” Khloe asked him how he knew she was going to be there before getting into her car and driving away. That was TMZ’s version, but Lamar says it didn’t happen like that and he also shat on the House of Harvey Levin for being biased against black celebrities.
In a momentous occasion (not really), Caitlyn Jenner allowed herself to be selfied with her ex Kris Jenner for the first time since her transition. Caitlyn’s step-irritant, worst-selling author Kim Kardashian, built an Instagram bridge between the two. You can almost see Pimp Mama Kris’ glistening intestine lips about to burst off her face due to the pressure-cooked jealous rage within.
Caitlyn is the epitome of grace and class (when she’s not killing people) and the gift of her photographic presence to Kris is an object lesson in generosity, or something. Because PMK has done little but try and destroy Caitlyn’s rebirth from the get-go. It didn’t work. And her ex looks more sumptuous in the mug and mop than she ever will! Eat it, hag!
Caitlyn extended her graciousness by hugging Kris goodbye after the party (see the vid below). Caitlyn went off to declare herself the new Queen of Social Media and Kris returned to the bubbling kauldron of hate she’s utilizing for a Satanic rite to voodoo Caitlyn from everyone’s collective memory.
This went down at Kylie Jenner’s first of too many 18th birthday celebrations at Nobu in Malibu yesterday. The whole klan was there. TMZ reports that Tyga bought his mature business woman/home-owner girlfriend Kylie Jenner a Mercedes-Benz SUV in cherry red. These girls must be a veritable party when they’re told “no.” (UPDATE from Michael: That custom G-wagon from Tyga was a recycled gift. It used to belong to his baby mother Blac Chyna. Awkward!)
As the top 10 Republican presidential candidates entertained a nation with some good old-fashioned foolery, this mess happened.
Variety says that Hillary Clinton hit L.A. last night and went to a fundraiser thrown by Justin Bieber’s manager Scooter Braun and that’s where she met the reigning fame whore rulers of the ho stroll Pimp Mama Kris, Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West. Scooter Braun AND Pimp Mama Kris?! Lord, if Hillary Clinton really wants to secure the fame whore vote, she should’ve went to a more respectable event like a fundraiser thrown by Phoebe Price and Bai Ling in front of Kitson.
TMZ says that people at the event were told to not take pictures of Hillary, but she made an exception for the Kuntrashians. Hillary posed for an Instagram portrait with PMK and became the meat in an attention whore sandwich when she posed for a selfie with Kummy Kakes and Kanye. The shit you gotta do for a vote:
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) August 7, 2015
Maybe Hillary posed with PMK, because it’s her way of saying that she’s got this game so locked up that she can pose with one of Satan’s mutated ass warts and still win it all.
Seen above looking like a Predator working the prosthetic butt that Martin Lawrence wore in Big Momma’s House, Khloe Kartrashian is on the cover of
Komplex Complex and in the interview, she brings the heave-summoning jacked-up foolery in heavy doses. Khloe defends Kylie Jenner’s relationship with PedoTyga and also tells us what it sounds like when Pimp Mama Kris fucks. If you really don’t feel like torturing your stomach and soul, skip the words that Khloe sharted up and watch this video of a bull dog trying to climb into a tiny folding chair instead. That bulldog works the “ass out, head over shoulder” pose a million times better than Khlozilla does.
It’s been over two years since Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom’s marriage died in a crack pipe and she kicked him out of the house. Since then, Khlozilla has moved on by making herself the Princess Fiona to French Montana’s Shrek and she moved on from him by scooting her sascrotch against the body of bearded NBA player James Harden. Meanwhile, Lamar got dropped by the Clippers and the New York Knicks, was caught driving while fucked up and he lost 2 of his friends to a drug overdose. Lamar was in, and might still be, in a bad place and that’s saying a whole lot since he was in the Kartrashian family. That’s the worst place of all. But well, soon he’ll be Khloe’s ex-husband. Officially.
UsWeekly says that earlier this month, Khlozilla and Lamar finally signed the divorce papers that she filed in December 2013. A judge just has to sign off on it and their marriage will be done. Some source said that Lamar finally signed, because it hurt his heart area seeing her with a bunch of dudes.
“Lamar was really hurt and felt like Khloe had no respect for him after she was out in public with James Harden. He just kept seeing her with different guys and that was it for him. French was at least a relationship but here she was with another guy. He finally came to his senses and told her he wanted out and signed the papers. He confronted her about James and she went to Vegas to see him while she was out there with James and they got it done. He just wanted out.”
Sense: that makes none. I think what really happened was that Pimp Mama Kris dropped a stack of signing cash in his lap, because she needs Khlozilla to be free to marry the next man those trash heap vampires will suck the life out of. And now that Lamar is out of there, that leaves Kanye West as the sole, standing Kartrashian husband. Will they find a way to suck the life out of Kanye too or will he slowly destroy them with an 8,000 word rant about how it is so déklassé of them to wear that Balmain military jacket with that Lanvin leather dress?
And here’s Khlozilla and PMK filming their shit show today:
Noted asshole Scott Disick has been especially asshole-y this week. After he “got caught” trying to hook-up with one of his ex-girlfriends in Monte Carlo, Kourtney Kardashian dumped him and he just shrugged his shoulders and told people he was single and ready to mingle. He followed that up by bailing on his daughter’s 3rd birthday and posting a lazy “Happy Birthday, or whatever” message on Instagram. As you can probably guess, Scott Disick isn’t exactly the most popular person at the Botox Kompound right now. And according to People, the person who is most pissed off at Scoot Douchebag is his brother-in-law, Kanye West.
A source close to Kanye claims that Kanye is “furious” at Scott, adding that he’s “maybe the most furious of everyone.” That might technically be true, since the last time I checked, Kanye was the only Kardashian who’s face muscles could still move freely and show a range of emotions. Kanye has also apparently been really vocal about Scott’s recent asshole behavior.
“He’s saying that a real man doesn’t abandon his family like Scott is doing.”
The source also claims that Kanye has offered to step up and be a “strong male figure” to Scott and Kourtney’s three kids. “Cool, when you get a chance, can you do the same for me?” thought North West. The source goes on to say that every member of the Kardashian Koven will forgive Scott for being an asshole if he comes home and does the right thing. Scott allegedly attempted to do the right thing by checking in to rehab, but he left after one hour. So yeah, they might not want to start planning that forgiveness party just yet.
If I were Kanye West, I’d be so pissed at Scott Disick too. Without Scott, Kanye has no one to help him escape from another four hour conversation that starts with “OMG I just found the best industrial-grade expandable butt foam…”
Speaking of rubber and latex, here’s Kim Kardashian celebrating Scott and Kourtney’s daughter Penelope’s 3rd birthday at Disneyland with North and their attention-thirsty grandma Kris Jenner. They really got into the Disneyland spirit too: Kourtney dressed up as Tinker Bell, while Kim’s face appears to be channeling Sleepy. I’ve also thrown in some pics of Kim and Kanye looking ~so artsy~ for System magazine.
Pics: Splash, Juergen Teller
Kim Kardashian’s objectification lecture with the Commonwealth Club of California happened last night, and if you couldn’t tell from that Rolling Stone cover above, the jist of her lecture was that she doesn’t really have a problem with objectification. We’ll get to that lecture in a second, but let’s get this Rolling Stone business out of the way first. Two thoughts on that cover:
1) Kim looks like an honorary Kaptain of a rubber dinghy called the S. S. Seamen (the first mate of which would be chum bucket Terry Richardson, who shot Kim’s kover).
2) A round of applause goes to the editors who showed an enormous level of restraint by not reversing the order of the words so that it read “Inside Kim“. Or maybe they did, but the second the first copy came out of the printer, Kris Jenner appeared through a firey hole in the floor and demanded a cut of the profits from people who bought the magazine expecting to find porn.
On to the interview. Kim really has nothing to sell or promote, so Kim just talks about Kim. And her kreator Kanye West. She also talks about her Where’s Waldo of a brother, Rob Kardashian, and manages to read his ass while doing so. Awww, what a great big sister!
Even Kris Jenner is like “Hahahahah! That’s a good one! All jokes aside, don’t forget to remind me to transfer your $19,500 weekly allowance from my bank account in Hell to yours when we get back from whatever event I’m pimping you out at here.”
Today’s reason for pulling out that trusty old “Sure, Jan” GIF is brought to you by Kylie Jenner, who recently admitted to InStyle UK (via UsWeekly) that she hasn’t seen any kash from Pimp Mama Kris since 2012. That would mean that according to Kylie, Pimp Mama Kris kut her off when she was 14 years old. Uh huh.
“My Mom cut me off financially three years ago so I pay for everything – my car, my gas and food as well as my clothes. There are so many outfits I bought in the past that I just think now are NOT cute – but there’s not very much I can do about it!”
“In the past“? Girl…
But really, does Kylie think we’re all dumb enough to believe that a 17-year-old bought a $2.7 million house with the money she made selling hair extensions? And that she pays for her lip fillers, how – with the loose change she finds in between the couch cushions of Khloe’s ass? Rich teenager, PLEASE. Who does she think negotiates her KUWTK kontrakt every year? PMK may not be handing her an envelope of kash every month, but she’s still on PMK’s payroll.
If Kylie is telling the truth and she hasn’t seen a penny from her mom in years, at least we know there’s still an adult in her life who can cover the bill if money’s tight that month. Speaking of, here’s Kylie’s adult boyfriend Tyga taking her to the movies last night.