There are a lot of ways you could taint the Kardashian name: not wanting to be famous, actually working, dating someone who isn’t a jailbait-chasing creep, refusing to let your family profit off your sex tape, having the same face and ass you were born with. But apparently ranting about being poor on Twitter is by-far the worst thing you could do. “Worse than going on Fashion Police and calling me the worst dressed Kardashian at the Yeezy show? Yeah, okay” thought Caitlyn Jenner.
According to Page Six, what was once the most shimmering jewel in Kris Jenner’s pimp chalice is now apparently a chipped rhinestone that keeps catching on her claws. A source klaims that just like her favorite daughter, Kris is worried that Kanye West’s recent Twitter fuckery and backstage meltdowns are “damaging the Kardashian brand.” On the upside, Kris thinks she might have found a solution to her Kanye problem.
A source tells Page Six that Kanye has been ordered by The Plastic Puppetmaster to hire a publicist who deals with crisis management. Kris wants Kanye to focus more on his music and less on being a crazy unpredictable mess. Unfortunately, none of their calls have been returned because nobody wants to work with him. Quelle-fucking-surprise, I know. When asked about working with Kanye, one top publicist replied: “You couldn’t pay us enough to represent Kanye. He’s too much to handle.” Somewhere in Hell, Satan is watching all this unfold and cackling “Oh, the irony! All the money in the world and no one to take it. Bwahahahaha!!!”
Oh dear oh dear, what is a poor pimp to do? What am I saying, I know exactly what she’ll do. She’ll drive him out to the middle of nowhere (or if the location is still saved in her GPS, wherever she left Kris Humphries), slow down just long enough to kick him out of the car, and scream “SEE YA NEVER!” as she peels away.
At Madison Square Garden in NYC today, Kanye West farted up his newest collection of overpriced dumpster finds and he also played songs (one of which has a touching lyric about Taylor Swift) from his new album The Life of Pablo. I’m guessing he means Pablo Escobar since coke was definitely a co-producer on that album. Kanye held his Yeezy season 3 show at MSG, because his organizers probably knew it was the only place that’d be able to hold in his craziness, throbbing ego and all of those foam insulation-filled Kartrashian asses.
I watched mostly all 500 hours of the livestream and for the first time in my life I felt really sorry for models. They all had to stand there looking sad, hungry and constipated while wearing dusty, moth-eaten aerobics clothes that have been in the back of someone’s mother’s closet for the past 30 years. Not only did they have to stand there in condom beanies and Star Trek Lululemon shit, but they also had to listen to Kanye fuck his own ego while playing songs from his new album.
When Amanda Bynes’ one-time face idol and Rob Kardashian’s only friend Blac Chyna got arrested at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport on Friday night for causing a booze-induced scene on a plane, cops found two ecstasy pills in a sunglasses case in her purse. Blac Chyna got hit with a felony drug possession charge on top of a public intoxication charge. Blac Chyna admits to being more drunk than me while babysitting (Reminder: Don’t ask me to babysit), but she says that the pills in her sunglasses case weren’t hers. They were the black kid’s pills! I can’t believe it’s 2016 and that Lindsay Lohan quote still takes up real estate in my brain.
TMZ says that the two pills were tested and cops discovered they were MDMA. Sources say that Blac Chyna swears on her Fix-A-Flat ass that the pills aren’t hers and she wouldn’t even know where to buy ecstasy pills from. Blac Chyna is suspicious, because she says that nowadays hos stick with MDMA powder and people no longer do pills. (“Ho, please” – some stuffed animal backpack-wearing 40-year-old raver who can’t let go of the 90s.)
Blac Chyna admits that she didn’t pack her own bags for her trip. Her assistants usually pack for her, but they weren’t there at the time. So somebody else packed her bags and she thinks that trick is responsible. She’s not naming names.
Sure, we can all pull out our Detective La Toya™ brand magnifying glass so we can get to the bottom of who packed Blac Chyna’s bag, but we don’t need to. It was obviously Pimp Mama Kris wearing a silicone FUPA, a whole lot of Dunkin’ Donuts perfume, a fake beard and amazing socks while in disguise as Rob Kardashian. But we do need to pull out our magnifying glass for a different reason. We need to pull it out to solve an even bigger mystery: Why in the hell does Blac Chyna have assistants?
And just like that, Tim Gunn received an invoice from Kardashian family pimp Kris Jenner with a copy of that headline and a note saying: “Just letting you know that sort of thing costs extra.”
If you woke up this morning with a little extra pep in your step, you can thank the no-fucks-giving angel of truth Tim Gunn. Once again, Tim opened his heart and released a million warm feelings during a recent interview with the Huffington Post while talking about America’s First Family of Frozen-Faced Tackiness. It all started when Tim was asked his thoughts on Kanye West’s latest collection of crappy clothing. Somewhere in Hell, Satan is already sweating the angry conference call he’s about to get from Pimp Mama Kris and her kurrent favorite son-in-law.
And everyone gets an F! That’s not how you dress up as a pregnant Kim Kartrashian. What you have to do is buy 5 of the biggest plastic beach balls you can find, fill them with gallons upon gallons of soil jelly and strap 2 to your chest, 2 to your ass cheeks and 1 to your belly. Once you’ve done that, put on 6 pairs of Spanx and wrap your body in several layers of Saran Wrap before you get 4 of your strongest friends and a truck with a trailer hitch to squeeze you into a size 2 Spandex dress in either black or beige. If you’re able to breathe through your mouth while wearing that dress, it’s not tight enough. So get your friends to cut you out of it and put you in a smaller one. You will know if the dress is the right size if it’s so tight that you have to breathe out of your asshole. After you achieve that, slap a rubber trout mask over your face and get someone to spray you down with orange paint. There you go! Knocked Up Kim!
Ex-NBA player and ex-Khloe Kardashian husband Lamar Odom is showing definite signs of improvement, according to various sources. TMZ is reporting that Lamar is experiencing “the best 24 hours he has had so far.” We can all agree that this is due to most of the Kardashians leaving the hospital, right? Who needs Lourdes (the town with the magical God fountain in France, not Madge’s daughter) when all you need is that fame whore trash taken out of your hospital room?
As you know, Odom was in a coma for four days after he was found knocked out at a brothel just outside of Pahrump, NV in Crystal. He’s recovering at Sunrise Hospital in Las Vegas.
Lamar Odom is reportedly still in a coma and his condition is still really, really bad after he was found passed out with mucus-like liquid coming out of his mouth on the floor of a VIP suite in the Love Ranch South, a brothel in Nevada. Khloe Kartrashian, Kim Kartrashian and Pimp Mama Kris ran their asses off to Las Vegas to be with Lam Lam last night, and of course a kamera krew came along to capture it all. Yes, a man who was a part of their family is dying, but there is a thing called November sweeps.
“Hey girls, meet your new sister – Katniss Kardashian! Yes, she’s about 28 lbs too light in the ass, but I’m sure a couple visits to the Kardashian Khompound’s In-House Rump Plumper will take care of that.”
Sometime late last night, Satan’s right-hand hooker and reason for upgrading his phone plan to include call display, Kris Jenner, wrapped her hooves around America’s Fart-Ripping Girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence, summoned one of her minions to take a picture, and released to the internet. I’ve seen The Exorcist, I know what’s happening here – this is what it looks like the moment before you’re about to be possessed by a dark-sided social-climbing demon. (Crosses self, reaches for the holy water) I’m going to need an old priest, a young priest, and an extra-large pepperoni pizza. Back away from the legitimate celebrity, Kris!
“Happy Birthday you piece of shit… God I love you #Jenniferlawrence thanks for making this night a night to remember…..even if we did get caught… I love you Happy Birthday Gorgeous!!! #Bible #momager #doll”
Somewhere in a giant pile of unsold socks, Pimp Mama Kris’ lowest earner Rob Kardashian read the words “you piece of shit” and got a little jealous.
I still have no idea what Kris Jenner and Jennifer Lawrence were doing in the same picture. I guess the only explanation I can come to is that a hungry hungry JLaw uttered the words “I’d do anything for a dozen deep-fried donut-glazed chicken wings” in her kitchen one night, at which point Lucifer appeared through a firey hole in her kitchen floor and hissed “I think I can arrange that. The only thing is, you’re going to have to do some truly despicable shit for them.” Then Lucifer escorted JLaw to a hotel room containing an iPhone and the Pimp Mistress (who took one look at JLaw, started thinking about how much attention she was about to receive, and nearly blew out the load-bearing beam in her nose by hyperventilating too hard). You know JLaw was probably like “Is it too late to sell you my soul instead?”
Kris Jenner, Pimp Mama Hall of Famer and forever second fiddle to the perpetually attention-hungry hydra known as the Kardashian-Jenner sisters, was graciously given the cover of something called Haute Living magazine. Although if you squint hard enough (and do enough vision-altering drugs and delude yourself enough and repeat the word vogue over and over again), it almost looks like she’s on the cover of VOGUE. Good job, Kris – you’ve truly earned it!
So patient zero for the Kardashian outbreak did an interview with Haute Living, which I assume is an above-ground sister publication to Hot Living (Hell’s best-selling monthly style magazine). She also sort of looks like someone you’d find in the background of the waiting room scene in Beetlejuice, but we’ll get to that a little later. The interview is loooong, which is crazy, because you don’t really need that many words to say “YAAAAY! I’M FUCKING FAMOUS!!!!“. But Kris said a lot. She also managed to pick n’ flick a teensy-tiny booger of shade at her other kids (“Me too?” thought former sock hustler Rob Kardashian, with a twinkle of hope in his eye) while talking about her kurrent favorite child, Kourtney.
Yesterday, TMZ posted a grainy picture of Khloe Kartrashian looking like she’s making a phone call while her soon-to-be ex-husband Lamar Odom approaches her on the street at 6:45 in the morning. Witnesses told TMZ that Khloe was on her way to a class at SoulCycle when Lam Lam “ambushed” her on the street and screamed at her before grabbing her arm. A witness threatened to call the cops, which made Lamar blurt out, “You’re not going to call the cops on Lamar Odom.” Khloe asked him how he knew she was going to be there before getting into her car and driving away. That was TMZ’s version, but Lamar says it didn’t happen like that and he also shat on the House of Harvey Levin for being biased against black celebrities.