But don’t go cancelling that order of eyewash bleach just yet. Pimp Mama Kris may not be doing Playboy, but she’s said nothing about Hustler, Penthouse, Juggs, Greasy Grandmas, Sluts of Satan, Viper Vadge, and Plastic Clownface MILFs Monthly. For now, though, let’s just celebrate the little miracle that is no Pimp Mama Pussy in Playboy.
According to E! Online, the owner of Kris’s Klassy Kall-Girls and the reason why Satan invented the term “Let it go to voicemail” actually did something to positively impact society when she gave an interview to KIIS FM’s Kyle and Jackie O Show and dispelled the awful, stomach-churning rumor that she would be following in her daughter’s footsteps by flashing her gash for cash in Playboy:
“Oh my God, no! I don’t think anybody wants to see me without any clothes on.”
For a woman who’s native language is Lies, these are the truest words she has ever spoken. Besides, there’s only one member of the Kardashian family of lost souls who’s able to serve the body-ody-ody needed for Playboy, and that’s Bruce Jenner. But that will never happen because Playboy is for ratchet hookers like Kim, not stunning land mermaids like Brucie.
And because this is Kris we’re talking about, she couldn’t get through the interview without mentioning the upcoming wedding of her bottom bitch (which is currently being billed as “A Celebration of Our Most Depraved Whores” in Hell):
“I don’t know about a plan. I said, ‘Let me do this, let’s do that, and I’d love to give you a party,’ and she said, ‘Mom, we just want to have it be a big surprise and we want you and everyone else to relax. You worked so hard the last time that we’re really excited to show you how it’s done in one of the cities we live in.’”
Kim then added: “Don’t worry mom, you’ll have plenty more weddings to plan for me and make money off of. I guarantee it.”
I thought I’d be strong enough to handle this, but I was so wrong. Immediately after I saw this picture of my beautiful earth angel Bruce Jenner smiling and holding hands with that morally bankrupt Botox dumpster Pimp Mama Kris - a she-devil I was certain he was free from the clutches of, mind you – I started cycling through the Kübler-Ross model of 5 stages of grief. At first I was in denial (“He’s just escorting a Michael Jackson impersonator through the airport!”), then anger (I broke every dish, glass, and crystal unicorn in my home, and lit a box of Wheaties on fire), bargaining (“Do you want me to carve up my nose into a silly putty penis?? I’ll do it! I’ll do anything to keep you from returning to that evil hag!”), followed by depression (listening to this song on repeat while weeping loudly on the kitchen floor).
But I finally reached acceptance. I’m a strong woman who can get over the hurt Juicy Brucie has caused. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right? Oh for fucks sakes, who am I kidding? I’m still at anger and depression. As of right now, I’m typing with one hand and tearing up my favorite pin-ups of Brucie while screaming the lyrics to “I Can’t Make You Love Me” at full-volume. Somebody PLEASE send the following to my apartment: 2 Fudgie the Whale cakes, 10 therapy dogs (puppies pls), and Kelly Clarkson to sing “Stronger”. It’s going to be a long night.
Here’s more of that cold heartless bitch Brucie Jenner joyfully prancing around with Satan’s most sickening slut (no, literally; Satan can barely get through a blow job without barfing all over her head) at LAX. Trailing closely behind, of course, is Kash Kow Kim, looking the definition of tacky and cheap, along with The No-Talent Trio: Khloe-tron, The Model One, and notoriously good hitter Marla Hooch:
The good news is this rumor is coming from the UK tabloid Heat (via the Mirror) which means it’s most likely as fake and fraudulent as everything the Kardashians do and it was also probably leaked (sorry for that word mixed with that picture) by Pimp Mama Kris herself to build up her ~kool mom~ kred. The bad news is that the life-killing image of Pimp Mama Kris’ naked and Photoshopped body sprawled onto the pages of Playboy has already been burned into the deepest part of your brain and side effects of that include stopping fuck times with your piece halfway through to go into the shower and cry while rubbing Irish Spring onto your eyeballs.
Some source (read: either PMK herself or the makers of Dramamine who want to boost sales by giving the public non-stop nausea) said that PMK feels like her body is Playboy-ready and now is the time to spread her KKK maker in Playboy. The source farted this nugget out:
“Kris has been talking about posing for Playboy magazine for a while now. She’s in the best shape of her life and is keen to show it off. The bikini shot she posted on Instagram recently was well received that she’s said, ‘Why not?’”
PMK led Kim Kartrashian down the fame whore path to becoming the fame whore of all fame whores and now she’s following in her prized ho’s fame whore steps. First comes the sex tape, second comes the Playboy spread. Actually, first comes the sex tape, second comes the death of civilization, because I don’t think humanity can survive after a PMK sex tape. But I refuse to believe that Hugh Hefner would let this happen. ANYBODY but PMK on the cover of Playboy! If it happened, Hugh Heffa needs to officially retire from making decisions beyond choosing between tapioca or vanilla and choosing between the bleached blonde with the DDDs or the bleached blonde with the EEEs to screw.
Here’s the Kartrashians at LAX last night before getting on a flight to Korea, and sadly I don’t mean North Korea.
Direct your prayers to the people of Vienna, Austria today, because a plastic clown-faced famewhore and her Satan’s Seal of Approval mother are terrorizing their city as we speak. It looks like Pimp Mama Kris needed a bit of extra plastic surgery cash, because she pimped out Kash Kow Kimmy for $500,000 to 81-year-old business tycoon Richard Lugner. Every year, Richard
pays invites a high-profile whore escort prostitute guest to escort him to the Vienna Opera Ball. Past guests have included Parasite Hilton, Carmen Electra, Pamela Anderson, so you know he only chooses the classiest of skanks.
However, according to Radar, it took Richard about 0.02 seconds to realize he made a terrible investment. DUH! Everybody knows you never put your money on the piss-covered ho!
“Kim is annoying me,” Lugner told reporters. “Because she’s not sticking to the program.”
Only hours after her arrival, Lugner claimed, the reality star stood him up to go to a Schnitzel restaurant with her mom Jenner, and film scenes for her reality show.
“She’s filming and so she doesn’t want to have me around,” he said. The 81-year-old angrily insisted, “The guest should be with me and not anywhere else that is not agreed upon.”
And even when it comes to scheduled appearances, Kardashian has made it clear she won’t follow his schedule. Though Lugner had told press he would dance with her at 11:45 p.m. during the ball, Kardashian said in a press conference that she’d have mom Jenner take her place, explaining, “I’d rather watch the dancing.”
You’ll be watching, all right; watching that $500,000 cheque dance out of you bank account. What in the hell is wrong with Pimp Mama Kris?? Has she lost all control of her ho? Does Silky Johnson need to step in and teach a pimp how its done?
And I need to send somebody at Radar a deluxe muffin basket, because they are killing it with this story about Kim’s melted drowsy candle-face. Radar has pointed out that Kim’s face looks much more frozen than usual and thinks she hit up Botox-R-Us before leaving for Austria. Personally, I don’t think it’s Botox; homegirl looks she’s been injecting face with melted-down Beast Man action figures, because bitch is a hard shade of orange plastic:
Here’s more of Kim at a mall in Vienna watching negotiations between her pimp and a john. And by the way, Kim…you can put the microphone down now – you don’t need to keep reminding everyone how you became famous:
I’m reporting this news to you from the emergency room at Mercy General Hospital, because after learning from TMZ that Mah Boo Brucie might be leaving Keeping Up With The Koven of Kosmetically-Altered Kronies, I blew out my vocal cords screaming YAAAASSSS and suffered instant dehydration when all the water vacated my body through my tear ducts. I have literally never been happier in my life; sorry, future baby or footlong sub, but you’ll always be second-best to this:
Sources connected to both the Kardashian family and the production tell TMZ … Bruce will NOT come back for another season of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” if the network picks it up. The family is currently shooting the last installment of the series … and even if it gets renewed we’re told Bruce wants out.
Bruce now reluctantly takes part in the show … but only when it’s absolutely necessary. Whenever possible he’ll shoot his scenes in Malibu — where he now lives.
We’re told Bruce has a clear vision of his life as soon as the season ends … golfing, spending time with his kids — off camera — flying helicopters and riding motorcycles.
Of course, Pimp Mama Kris is denying that one of her minions is defecting to a life free of shamelessly sucking off Satan for fame. If she thinks we believe that bullshit, then clearly working that pole caused too much Botox to rush to her brain.
And what’s this about Bruce wanting to fly helicopters and ride motorcycles? Excuse your ignorance; clearly this source doesn’t know Bruce as well as they think they do. Once Bruce is officially free from those evil hags, his days will be spent turning down marriage proposals from Saudi princes, holding hourly fashion shows by the pool, brushing his hair 1,000,000 strokes (only chumps like Marcia Brady stop at 1,000), and choreographing dances to Destiny’s Child in the garage. And maybe if he starts to miss Hollywood juuuust a bit, he could record a Welcome to My Home video (I just crossed my fingers so tightly, I broke them all off).
Just as a reminder of what Bruce is leaving behind (and NEVAH looking back), here’s Kim shooting Keeping Up With The Koven with Ciara. I don’t know what’s going on with Kim’s hair, but Blanket Jackson does, and he’s not thrilled about that useless cum-dipped bridge troll stealing his look.
The only transitioning I care about is how Bruce Jenner is transitioning to a life of freedom after his harrowing escape from the clutches of the Kardashian Koven. I shed a tear every time I think about that poor man being held captive by that awful family, and how brave he had to be to endure more than 20 years of their sadistic torture and awful-looking faces.
Even though I thought I already explained everything you need to know about Bruce Jenner’s gorgeous nails (basically, you should consider cutting off your own hands and replacing them with those foam Hulk hands, because they’ll never be as beautiful and elegant as his) Entertainment Tonight (via The Daily Mail) still wanted to find out what was up with Bruce. Instead of just accepting that Brucie is a stone-cold 10 (deal with it) Kris Jenner has offered this explanation of his hands:
“Well, he wears clear. I dunno. I think when he gets his nails buffed they put clear [nail polish]. The bottom line is we sell magazines. Ninety-nine percent of the stuff in the media, tabloids is made up.”
From your lips to Satan’s ears, Kris. I don’t even know if I used that phrase right – I just wanted to give you the gross mental image of Kris Jenner whispering sweet nothings to Satan, and the follow-up image of Satan swatting her away, going “Stop it, you’re giving me the creeps. Don’t you have a child that needs pimping out somewhere?”
I wish Kris had just responded like a normal person and said: “Who cares? He has long fingernails” but there I go again assuming that Kris is a normal person and not a desperate-for-attention, soul-sucking viper from the pits of Hell. I should be more surprised that she didn’t try to lead Entertainment Tonight on for ratings. “Why does Bruce have long nails? Oh, I don’t know…maybe you could say this season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians is all about transsssformations. Wink! I have to say ‘wink’ because my eyes no longer open and close on command.”
But before we get into the PlasticFace vs. PlasticFace war of 2014, let’s all slow clap for the artiste who pasted Kanye West’s head onto that picture in Photoshop. It almost looks like he was actually spending time with his kid and she isn’t hugging on her favorite weekday nanny instead.
So, during her stand-up show at the Saban Theater in L.A. on Friday night, Joan Rivers did what Joan Rivers does: drag hos and this time she dragged a baby. Joan told the audience about how Kim Kartrashian brought North into the E! offices one day and she got a good look at the Illuminati’s chosen one. According to Radar, the woman who gave birth to Melissa Rivers said this about Baby Seaweed’s looks and all-natural eyebrow situation:
“That baby is ugly… I’ve never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a waxing.”
That is everyone’s cue to put on a gas mask and stay inside until the US Environmental Protection Agency tells us it’s clear, because the air will fill with toxic clouds of burnt plastic, charred silicone, melting rubber, scorched Botox and exploding gay fish anus when Pimp Mama Kris, Kanye and Joan Rivers go at it over this. Oh, what am I saying. PMK probably sent Joan a basket full of Liquid Nails (Botox is for amateurs) and labia bleaching cream as a thank you gift for giving her future little money maker more attention.
Following the news that a nine-year-old Khloe Kardashian overheard her asshole mother say she needed a nose job, InTouch is reporting that Khloe’s Aunt Karen says Kris Jenner used to force Khloe to exercise as a child.
“Khloé might have been 4 or 5 years old when Kris would have me take her to classes to get exercise,” Karen tells In Touch. “I would take her a couple of times a week.”
At first glance, this could be any mother signing her kid up for Recreation Department gym class just so she can have 45 minutes alone a few times a week to pop into a bar and have a glass or two of crappy chardonnay. But this is PMK- the mother straight from Satan’s taint! It’s not really a stretch to think she would kiss Khloe goodbye when she was leaving for exercise class and say, “Mommy loves you! Go get skinny!“ Hell, I wouldn’t put it past Kris to put snapping turtles on the floor under the Johnny Jump when her kids were infants to motivate them to jump higher to work off some of that disgusting baby fat.
All that’s keeping this from being a trifecta of shitty mothering is a story about Kris taking all the kids to get ice cream and making Khloe wait in the car because she “doesn’t really need the calories” but you know it’s just a matter of fucking time.
This looks like a postcard from the giftshop in Hell. “Wish You Were Here! No, literally, I wish you were here to save me, Jesus. I haven’t even met Satan yet, but surely he can’t be any worse than Kris Jenner.”
I guess Kris didn’t have time to read the memo that says we’ve stopped giving a shit about her and her awful stable of come-to-life gargoyles because she was just too busy staring at Kim Kardashian’s new Birkin and trying to guess which one is her (“Am I the one pushing Kim out of the way? OMG it looks just like me!”). Otherwise, maybe she would have thought twice about uploading a flip book chock full of selfies, including this pic of her looking like an attention-starved melting candle, to Instagram yesterday with the caption: “Celebrate Life“. And I did; I celebrated my mom’s life by calling her and thanking her for not being anything like Kris Jenner. You know what? All of you should call your mothers today and thank them for not being Kris Jenner. Then why not celebrate your own life? Go outside and dance in the streets or sing from the highest mountain, because you weren’t born a Kardashian. Thanks, Kris! Thank you for reminding me to celebrate life!
But back to that picture. Kris looks like the Ms. February from a MILF calendar if MILF stood for ‘Man, I Love Fotoshop™’ (Fotoshop™ is the photo-editing software Kris created after Adobe refused to re-name Photoshop ‘Kardashian Komputer Korrector’). Although that may be a bit generous, because I don’t know how much of that picture is actually Kris’s body. It looks like a drunken game of exquisite corpse: Kendall’s legs, Kim’s dumpy horse butt, Khloe’s neck (for her waist), two beige Arthur George socks for the tits, Bruce Jenner’s jawline, and Kris’s eyes from 2006 (her current eyes are pulled so tight, any attempt at closing them would rip her eyebrows off).
(Pic via Instagram)
Just when I thought Kris Jenner couldn’t be more of an asshole, the curtain gets pulled back a little more and all I can see are horns, cloven hooves and red eyes glowing in the dark. Khloe Kardashian did an interview with Cosmopolitan UK (via Daily Mail) and said this:
‘She didn’t mean harm, but when I was around nine I overheard my mom telling her friend I needed a nose job,‘ revealed the reality star.
‘I was shocked; I hadn’t even thought about it,‘ she said.
Since this is PMK we’re talking about, I’m sure she hinted at future improvements the minute Khloe was delivered (by scheduled c-section, of course). She probably held all her kids up to the light, tilting them this way and that while hissing, “Yessss, we can work with thisssss“. Hell, I’d bet she did the same thing with Bruce before agreeing to go out with him.
Khloe should have known the Play-Doh sets her mother gave her for Christmas were for the sole purpose of learning to mold her own post-op look. Maybe she put two and two together whenever Kris slapped Khloe’s hand away from her face whenever Khloe wanted to play Got Your Nose. Kris couldn’t afford to have anybody else touch that mangled blob of Silly Putty. One pinch and the entire thing would collapse on itself, leaving Kris looking like Mrs. Doubtfire’s face after it was run over by a truck.