A couple of weeks ago, Kris Jenner dusted off her signature move, polished up another one of her turds (sorry, kturds) and flung it at a high-profile musician hoping it would stick in the form of setting Kendall up with One Direction’s Harry Styles. UK tabloids report that Harry has already packed it up and hightailed it the fuck out of Jentrashian shitstorm and is now dating Gavin Rossdale’s spawn Daisy Lowe.
Kris is supposedly pissed that Daisy fucked up her Kim/Kanye 2.0 plan and stole Harry away. If Daisy is smart, she’ll become fast friends with Leah Remini to get some tips on how to handle the wrath of religious zealots knowing that the High Priestess of The Church of Latter Day Taints is going to come for her ass. Nobody fucks with Kris Jenner or her ilk without doing it on camera for publicity, especially since ratings for their show are down. The last thing Daisy will see before her coffin slides shut is Kris’s face, who will be so pissed her face will ALMOST move.
If it wasn’t against the fame whore way, I’d guess Kendall is in a basement somewhere trading stories with Solange Knowles about failing the family, but this is PMK we’re talking about. Kris probably just dragged Kendall to their lip injection doctor as punishment, then smacked her upside the head and threw her out of the car at The Grove and told her not to come home until she had at least two dozen pap shots in the bank.
Here are some pics of One Direction at the airport after flying in for an SNL appearance. I can’t figure out if the guy hanging all over Zayne is helping him walk because he’s drunk or high or if the guy is just angling for an unsolicited piggy back ride. Fangirls come in all shapes and sizes!
If that isn’t a “please get me out of this cesspool of syphilis” side-eye from a sea lion, then I don’t know what is.
No, that isn’t Khloe without her weave on. How dare you! That is a tortured, abused sea lion who these shower drain cum clumps “rented” to play with for the day. Radar says that Pimp Mama Kris took her clearance bin boy toy Ben Flajnik to Joe Francis’ house in Punta Mita, Mexico in September and while they were there they rented a sea lion named Litibu from the nearby Vallarta Adventures water park. A few months ago TMZ said that Joe regularly pays the water park to bring that poor sea lion to his house so he and his girlfriend can play with the animal.
Even though Ben has been seen driving PMK’s ugly Bentley and was her escort to the Beyonce concert last night, he still denies slurping the nectar of Lucifer out of her kooch. But who cares about those piece of trash fame whores, somebody needs to #FREELITIBU!
There are some hookers who will gladly let a john poop on their chest for the right price, but no amount of money would ever get them to go into a pool with PMK, the worst Bachelor ever and popped ass pimple Joe Francis. And poor Litibu didn’t even get paid for this and was forced to do it. Will somebody please find a way to let Litibu know that if he’s ever in this situation again, most of humanity will be on his side if he mauls a few of those bitches before escaping to the ocean over yonder.
(Pic via @IAmAbbeyWilson)
Yes, the baby Jesus was born just so those Kartrashian whores could pose in a dark-sided UNGODLY Khristmas Kard that’s sold exclusively in the back room of a Hallmark in the darkest part of the Ninth Circle. If you need a quick response to this bukkake of fuckery disaster, just look at that Mason kid. His body language speaks for all of us.
If Satan swallowed a Las Vegas landfill whole then diarrhea’d into the mouth of Photoshop, and if Photoshop then gorged on copies of Blade Runner and a bunch of tabloids before shitting onto a pile of broken neon signs, the end product would be more attractive and festive than the Kardashian Khristmas Kard. On last night’s not-so-special episode of the Illuminati documentary Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian brought David LaChapelle in to shoot the annual family holiday card. David didn’t want any dudes or children in the picture, because dudes and children didn’t fit in with his vision. But after the slow one drooled out a lukewarm stream of complaints about her kids not being in the picture, David agreed to shoot Mason and Penelope. David also bent the “no dudes” rule a little by letting Khloe pose in the picture.
I’d like to think that David LaChapelle is just screwing with them and they’re too stupid to figure it out. Because this is a glorious mess of symbolism from the ATM behind Kourtney to Bruce Jenner (looking like Patti Smith after surviving a meth lab explosion) trapped in a glass tube for eternity. David truly captured essence of Kim, Kourtney, Khloe and PMK, and by that I mean he made them look like the fake pieces of trash they are.
And no, Kanye wasn’t physically in the picture, but I see him everywhere. This is what the skid marks on the inside of his leather panties look like.
Foreword: You know it’s a slow news day when Dlisted brings you two back-to-back Kardashian stories. If we write about the Kardashians one more time today, we’ll be considered a Kardashian fan site and Michael K will be forced to install a crawler at the bottom of the page that gives you the most up-to-date Kardashian news: (scrolling across the screen) KOURTNEY STILL WEARING THOSE DAMN GENIE PANTS…THE SOCK ONE CONTINUES TO HAWK THOSE FUGLY SOCKS…KYLIE LOSES VOICE FROM REPEATEDLY ASKING PEOPLE “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!?”
According to Heat Magazine (via The Daily Mail), Kris Jenner is apparently not a fan of Kim’s topless appearance in Kanye West’s video Bound 2. OH PUH-FUCKING-LEASE:
Kardashian matriarch Kris reportedly watched the video two days before the general public and is understood to have been privately troubled by her topless antics with her fiancé.
A source told Heat magazine: ‘Kris went ballistic, telling her daughter this is worse than the 2007 leaked sex tape that Kim made with her ex-boyfriend Ray J, because that was meant to stay private, while this was meant to go public.
‘She started crying, saying how ashamed she was to see her daughter being ‘forced into something so degrading’. She’s saying that Kim’s destroyed all of her credibility.’
I’ll give you a moment to laugh you asses off at the idea that Kim had any credibility to begin with. The source goes on to say that Kris, Kourtney, and Khloe are deeply concerned about the damage to Kim’s brand and are “considering an intervention” (ooh, just in time!)
Kris, honey, no one’s buying what you’re selling. Your viewing of Bound 2 was probably taped by the E! camera crew in the same screening room where you held your first Kim & Ray J viewing party (Visual: it’s in a Scrooge McDuck-style money pit, but with more vipers and the overwhelming feeling you’re in the presence of Satan).
I bet you need a palate cleanser after reading about Kris Jenner. DID SOMEONE SAY BRUCIE?!? His gorgeous pony tail should knock the sour taste of Kris out of your mouth. Here’s Bruce Jenner leaving a movie theatre in Calabasas yesterday. What the fuck, Bruce; you said you wouldn’t see Best Man Holiday without me! Not cool.
(Pics via Splash)
“Do we have a picture where it looks like Ben is staring at Kris’s silly putty nose and second guessing his choices? We do? Great!”
I knew they’d catch up eventually; better late than never, right? WRONG! When it comes to Kris Jenner, never is better. It’s no secret that Kris Jenner has been making all of Former Bachelor Ben Flajnik’s kream dreams come true for a while now (oh my GOD the amount of bile that rose in my throat), but instead of letting sleeping dogs lie, Us Weekly decided to confirm their gross hook-up with a cover story:
“They started hanging out. It got romantic right away,” an insider tells Us of when they first met. “They’ve been hooking up.”
Flajnik has since denied the two are dating. “Here we go again. Hey @usweekly maybe put a call into me once and a while for some fact checking. Sincerely, #TheTruth,” he tweeted Tuesday, Nov. 26. In fact, Us did reach out to Flajnik via email on Friday, Nov. 22; he replied, “Oh, jeez, ha. I’m over this.”
“Over this”: The phrase most often uttered after reading an article about Kris Jenner. But you know who else is ‘over it‘? That’s right, Brucie J!!! According to Radar, Bruce couldn’t give a sock (a Rob Kardashian sock) about what kris does with her fuck-parts now:
“Kris is enjoying all of the attention,” dished our insider, noting, “Bruce could absolutely care less about it! Bruce is saying that Kris is now someone else’s problem Bruce has never been happier living alone in Malibu,” the insider added.
Kris? A problem? NEVER! I’m actually really happy for Bruce; he probably wakes up every morning singing Shania Twain into his hair brush (obviously Man! I Feel Like a Woman) while deleting all the drunken voicemail messages Kris left for him the night before (“Bruce? Bruuuuuce? Pick up, Bruce. I haven’t been mentioned on TMZ in days. Will you stage an Instagram photo with me tomorrow?“)
Is Kris ticking off all the boxes on her Shameless Bitch checklist or what? Drunk dancing at Kanye’s concert? Check. Dating a reality has-been 27 years younger than her? Check. I swear to god, if the next thing on that list is leaking a Kris Jenner/Ben Flajnik sex tape, I’m done. I’m throwing out my laptop and moving to a remote village in Alaska.
“$400 cash to anyone who is willing to trade seats with me” – Guy in the green hat.
Kris Jenner has practically made a career out of tirelessly competing for the title of #1 “Cool” Mom (someone needs to tell her that Amy Poehler’s character in Mean Girls isn’t a real person) so it’s only natural that her “50 is the new 21” antics made an appearance at Kanye West’s Yeezus tour last night at Madison Square Garden. Now, these are only pictures, so it’s difficult to picture her doing the drunk mommy dance, but I can imagine she looked something like this:
Kris was probably trying to do the hip-bump with a not-into-it Kim all night. “C’mon honey! Dance with me! I love to dance! C’mon, stand up, Kim! Dance with me! DANCE WITH ME, DAMMIT!” Anyone with a middle-aged Aunt knows that this charade goes on until she gives your Uncle the signal that it’s time to take her drunk-ass home by attempting to drop down and get her eagle on and splitting her pants.
Here’s more of Kris getting her swerve on (oh brother, those poor bartenders at Madison Square Garden). I’ve also included some pictures of Kim from that same evening wearing a criminal amount of black leather fringe; she looks like she should be riding on the back of a Harley. The only thing missing is Kanye wearing one of those trashy t-shirts that says “If you can read this, the bitch fell off”. In case you have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s a great example on a motorcycle papaw (though, I have to say, the hottest is that sassy memaw; I want to be her when I grow up).
(Pics via Splash)
The whoring of the one who showed her nipples on Instagram is right on schedule!
Since Kim Kardashian’s expiration date as Pimp Mama Kris’ highest-earning prized pig is coming up, PMK is working overtime to groom KendallKylieKukaWhatever Jenner and get her ready to take over as the family’s new headlining ho. 18-year-old Kendall went to dinner in West Hollywood with one of Taylor Swift’s leftovers, 19-year-old Harry Styles, last night. The sound of PMK squirting over all the attention these pics are getting is drowning out the sound of all the Directioners bawling while punching their eyeballs out in their playpens. But you know, Kendall has a long way to go before she completely transforms into Kim Kartrashian 2.0.
The Daily Mail has a few pictures of Kendall’s face, but in the pictures from the photo agency I get shit from, she has her head down and is covering her mug. She could be that demon girl from The Grudge (no disrespect to that demon girl from The Grudge) or Steven Tyler for all we know. I wouldn’t know she was one of those Jenner things if the photo agency didn’t tell me. Once PMK finishes celebrating these staged photos by cackling while dancing on the bones her sacrifices, she’s going to punish this girl.
The second a Kardashian or a Jenner or a whatever (see: Khloe) is pulled out of PMK’s body, the first thing she asks the doctor is, “Who cares about that healthy stuff, did it find the light with its face and smile at the camera?” The first rule of being a Kartrashian is: always make sure the goddamn camera gets your face. Hiding your face from the camera is a serious Kardashi-sin. It’s as sinful as the time that I was playing with the remote in my abuelita’s room and accidentally hit the off button while she was watching her novelas. The Jesus hanging on a crucifix above the TV pulled his hands off of the cross so that he could cover his eyes. He knew something serious was about to go down.
So I’m sure that sometime today, PMK is going to drag Kendall down to the plastic surgery clinic in their basement and get a rod permanently installed below her chin so she can never drop her head again. That’ll teach that trick!
“This is easily the most terrifying Halloween cake I’ve ever done.” – the baker who made Kris Jenner’s birthday cake.
Since she hasn’t been getting enough attention since the recent drama school theatrics put on by Kanye West (aka “Goddamnit Kim, if you can’t hit your mark on the downbeat, I’ll replace you. Okay Ricardo, from the top…5-6-7-8“) Kris Jenner decided to remind everyone who the real star of the Kardashian Klan is at her birthday lunch yesterday by blowing out the candles on a giant cake with her face on it and singing “Every Kardashian starts with Kris“.
The Daily Mail reports that Kris celebrated her 58th birthday at a fancy Los Angeles restaurant surrounded by her family (E! Network’s 13-piece camera crew) and bags of money (her daughters). The Kardashian/Jenners surprised Kris with a birthday cake and cupcakes decorated with edible pictures of her face, much to Kris’s delight, who teared-up and joked “Now that’s a beautiful cake!”
HA! Who knew Kris was so funny? Somebody get this hilarious woman her own show! Oh, wait…
Her manufactured reaction is almost funnier than the cake. Kris was surprised to the point of tears? Bitch please. Nothing in that family happens without first getting Kris’s approval; they probably held business meetings back in September to determine which heavily-photoshopped picture of Kris they’d use for the cake (“Try to use one from 2011 or 2012 that says ‘Kim, I didn’t know you had a gorgeous short-haired sister!” – Kris)
Looking at Kris Jenner’s tightly-pulled viper-mask in person is one thing (I don’t know how the audience of Kris did it) but imagine having to look at that face while you’re eating pieces of food with the same grotesque face on it? I’d rather eat that gross cake Mr. Burns made for Homer on The Simpsons.
(Pics via Keek)
Besides E!’s camera crew, dozens of hired extras, Jaden Smith, all of the Kartrashians (sans Auntie Bruce), an orchestra, a script supervisor, a team of assistants, a production designer, a costume designer, three fluffers, ten make-up artists, six weave tamers, three body waxers, one anal bleacher and a wookie trainer, Kanye Kardashian’s proposal to Kim Kardashian was intimate and private. It was so intimate and private that they put together a video of the “greatest moments” from their proposal and “leaked” (cut to Ray J’s not-at-all-piss-shy dick smiling a sly smile) it onto the Internet. I would’ve thought that this was the most romantic and genuine proposal ever, but it was hard for me to do that, because I kept staring into the night sky above them, hoping that a fiery meteor would appear and come crashing towards those whores.
And I really love the part at the 2:12 mark where Pimp Mama Kris is bouncing around to “All of the Lights” while watching Jaden Smith and the other brats play in the field. She’s definitely thinking to herself, “Hmmmm, I wonder which one of their young souls I should eat for dinner?”
True story: My lips were dry and chapped, and as soon as I looked at that cover, they were suddenly silky and covered with a thick layer of gloss. Auntie Bruce’s beauty brings moisture to all lips.
Earlier last year, Robert Kardashian’s ex-wife Ellen used Star Magazine to get a quick check by exposing Bruce Jenner’s love of caressing his turkey jerky skin with a pair of pink satin panties. Ellen told Star that Bruce’s ex-wife told her that the petals on Bruce’s butt flower get extra tingly when he transforms himself into Miss Brucella by putting on gorgeous gowns and high heels. Now Star Magazine is saying that Bruce’s cross dressing ways are the reason why his marriage to Pimp Mama Kris died. Jezebel read the highly important article and they say that a source says that Bruce loves to wearing diamond earrings, loves to get manicures, loves to get pedicures and loves to pluck his eyebrows. If that means that Bruce wants to be a woman, then that means 99% of the dudes in Hollywood and beyond also want to be a woman, because everyone lives for that kind of pampering.
The source says that PMK is threatening to tell everyone that Bruce is Danny Aiello in Prêt-à-Porter if he doesn’t do what she says:
“Kris has told Bruce that she will reveal his secret if he doesn’t go along with her plans about their split or their show.”
Let that devil bitch whore spill Bruce’s secret. It’ll be her greatest regret in life. Because if she does, it will finally give Bruce a reason to step out of the darkness and into the spotlight in his full cross dressing glory. Scott would leave Kourtney, Kanye would rip up his contract with Kim and Lamar would drop his crack pipe to throw himself at Bruce’s size 24 sparkly red high heel. Brucella Jenner would steal all of their men without even trying. Those gutter Kardashian hags are no match for Brucella. So do it, PMK, do it.
Besides, Bruce being a cross dresser isn’t weird at all. But Bruce marrying PMK in the first place is some weird and fucked-up shit.