Seen above looking like a Predator working the prosthetic butt that Martin Lawrence wore in Big Momma’s House, Khloe Kartrashian is on the cover of
Komplex Complex and in the interview, she brings the heave-summoning jacked-up foolery in heavy doses. Khloe defends Kylie Jenner’s relationship with PedoTyga and also tells us what it sounds like when Pimp Mama Kris fucks. If you really don’t feel like torturing your stomach and soul, skip the words that Khloe sharted up and watch this video of a bull dog trying to climb into a tiny folding chair instead. That bulldog works the “ass out, head over shoulder” pose a million times better than Khlozilla does.
It’s been over two years since Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom’s marriage died in a crack pipe and she kicked him out of the house. Since then, Khlozilla has moved on by making herself the Princess Fiona to French Montana’s Shrek and she moved on from him by scooting her sascrotch against the body of bearded NBA player James Harden. Meanwhile, Lamar got dropped by the Clippers and the New York Knicks, was caught driving while fucked up and he lost 2 of his friends to a drug overdose. Lamar was in, and might still be, in a bad place and that’s saying a whole lot since he was in the Kartrashian family. That’s the worst place of all. But well, soon he’ll be Khloe’s ex-husband. Officially.
UsWeekly says that earlier this month, Khlozilla and Lamar finally signed the divorce papers that she filed in December 2013. A judge just has to sign off on it and their marriage will be done. Some source said that Lamar finally signed, because it hurt his heart area seeing her with a bunch of dudes.
“Lamar was really hurt and felt like Khloe had no respect for him after she was out in public with James Harden. He just kept seeing her with different guys and that was it for him. French was at least a relationship but here she was with another guy. He finally came to his senses and told her he wanted out and signed the papers. He confronted her about James and she went to Vegas to see him while she was out there with James and they got it done. He just wanted out.”
Sense: that makes none. I think what really happened was that Pimp Mama Kris dropped a stack of signing cash in his lap, because she needs Khlozilla to be free to marry the next man those trash heap vampires will suck the life out of. And now that Lamar is out of there, that leaves Kanye West as the sole, standing Kartrashian husband. Will they find a way to suck the life out of Kanye too or will he slowly destroy them with an 8,000 word rant about how it is so déklassé of them to wear that Balmain military jacket with that Lanvin leather dress?
And here’s Khlozilla and PMK filming their shit show today:
Noted asshole Scott Disick has been especially asshole-y this week. After he “got caught” trying to hook-up with one of his ex-girlfriends in Monte Carlo, Kourtney Kardashian dumped him and he just shrugged his shoulders and told people he was single and ready to mingle. He followed that up by bailing on his daughter’s 3rd birthday and posting a lazy “Happy Birthday, or whatever” message on Instagram. As you can probably guess, Scott Disick isn’t exactly the most popular person at the Botox Kompound right now. And according to People, the person who is most pissed off at Scoot Douchebag is his brother-in-law, Kanye West.
A source close to Kanye claims that Kanye is “furious” at Scott, adding that he’s “maybe the most furious of everyone.” That might technically be true, since the last time I checked, Kanye was the only Kardashian who’s face muscles could still move freely and show a range of emotions. Kanye has also apparently been really vocal about Scott’s recent asshole behavior.
“He’s saying that a real man doesn’t abandon his family like Scott is doing.”
The source also claims that Kanye has offered to step up and be a “strong male figure” to Scott and Kourtney’s three kids. “Cool, when you get a chance, can you do the same for me?” thought North West. The source goes on to say that every member of the Kardashian Koven will forgive Scott for being an asshole if he comes home and does the right thing. Scott allegedly attempted to do the right thing by checking in to rehab, but he left after one hour. So yeah, they might not want to start planning that forgiveness party just yet.
If I were Kanye West, I’d be so pissed at Scott Disick too. Without Scott, Kanye has no one to help him escape from another four hour conversation that starts with “OMG I just found the best industrial-grade expandable butt foam…”
Speaking of rubber and latex, here’s Kim Kardashian celebrating Scott and Kourtney’s daughter Penelope’s 3rd birthday at Disneyland with North and their attention-thirsty grandma Kris Jenner. They really got into the Disneyland spirit too: Kourtney dressed up as Tinker Bell, while Kim’s face appears to be channeling Sleepy. I’ve also thrown in some pics of Kim and Kanye looking ~so artsy~ for System magazine.
Pics: Splash, Juergen Teller
Kim Kardashian’s objectification lecture with the Commonwealth Club of California happened last night, and if you couldn’t tell from that Rolling Stone cover above, the jist of her lecture was that she doesn’t really have a problem with objectification. We’ll get to that lecture in a second, but let’s get this Rolling Stone business out of the way first. Two thoughts on that cover:
1) Kim looks like an honorary Kaptain of a rubber dinghy called the S. S. Seamen (the first mate of which would be chum bucket Terry Richardson, who shot Kim’s kover).
2) A round of applause goes to the editors who showed an enormous level of restraint by not reversing the order of the words so that it read “Inside Kim“. Or maybe they did, but the second the first copy came out of the printer, Kris Jenner appeared through a firey hole in the floor and demanded a cut of the profits from people who bought the magazine expecting to find porn.
On to the interview. Kim really has nothing to sell or promote, so Kim just talks about Kim. And her kreator Kanye West. She also talks about her Where’s Waldo of a brother, Rob Kardashian, and manages to read his ass while doing so. Awww, what a great big sister!
Even Kris Jenner is like “Hahahahah! That’s a good one! All jokes aside, don’t forget to remind me to transfer your $19,500 weekly allowance from my bank account in Hell to yours when we get back from whatever event I’m pimping you out at here.”
Today’s reason for pulling out that trusty old “Sure, Jan” GIF is brought to you by Kylie Jenner, who recently admitted to InStyle UK (via UsWeekly) that she hasn’t seen any kash from Pimp Mama Kris since 2012. That would mean that according to Kylie, Pimp Mama Kris kut her off when she was 14 years old. Uh huh.
“My Mom cut me off financially three years ago so I pay for everything – my car, my gas and food as well as my clothes. There are so many outfits I bought in the past that I just think now are NOT cute – but there’s not very much I can do about it!”
“In the past“? Girl…
But really, does Kylie think we’re all dumb enough to believe that a 17-year-old bought a $2.7 million house with the money she made selling hair extensions? And that she pays for her lip fillers, how – with the loose change she finds in between the couch cushions of Khloe’s ass? Rich teenager, PLEASE. Who does she think negotiates her KUWTK kontrakt every year? PMK may not be handing her an envelope of kash every month, but she’s still on PMK’s payroll.
If Kylie is telling the truth and she hasn’t seen a penny from her mom in years, at least we know there’s still an adult in her life who can cover the bill if money’s tight that month. Speaking of, here’s Kylie’s adult boyfriend Tyga taking her to the movies last night.
I understand if you need to shut down Dlisted, toss your cookies in a red infectious waste bin and run the “exorcism” tool on Norton while throwing holy water at the screen as you scream, “I rebuke you demon of fame whores in the name of the Lord!” It’s a natural reaction to that dark-sided picture.
When Pimp Mama Kris showed up on the Met Gala red carpet in a cloud of black smoke and flames, Twitter erupted into a thousand “Adam Lambert, get yourself together, girl” jokes. What did Glamberace ever do to deserve to be compared to Lucifer’s hardest-whoring minion? Glamberts, I’ll hold your Hot Topic purses, as you go after the mean bitches who are saying that PMK looks like a melting Adam Lambert Claymation figurine that’s been dipped in the blood of Satan and shellacked.
But the sad part is that I would like PMK’s ensemble on anybody else. It’s an outfit that Krystle Carrington would wear to her wedding reception after marrying a Chinese military admiral. I was going to say that it’s something Alexis Carrington would wear, but that would be wrong and against my religion. Comparing PMK to a goddess like Alexis Carrington is like a Scientologist telling the truth. It’s blasphemous and goes against everything I believe in.
If you have enough holy water left, here’s more pictures of PMK as well as pictures of Kim Kartrashian (wearing one of Beyonce’s old ones), Kanye West, Kendall™, Tyga and Kylie™ who worked the “Panama City Beach lot lizard” look at an after-party.
You Knew This Was Koming: Pimp Mama Kris Makes Bruce Jenner’s Transition All About Her In An E! Special
Pimp Mama Kris and her main money-making whores, the KKKs, had no comment for ABC News when they were asked to give one for Bruce Jenner’s big 2-hour coming out party. Kendall™ and Kylie™ spit out a joint statement into ABC News’ hands. PMK, her KKKs and Black Sheep Kartrashian (aka Rob) eventually tweeted words of support for Bruce the night of his interview, but there’s no way they’d miss out on an opportunity to get a whole lot of ratings and attention by pimping out their feelings in a special for E!. Pimp Mama Kris didn’t disappoint us or the shameless fame whores who look to her for inspiration.
Today, E! shat out a clip from an upcoming 2-part special called Keeping Up With The Kardashians: About Bruce (more like “Krapping Up The Kartrashians: About Bruce But Mostly About Us Us Us Us”). Bruce Jenner told Diane Sawyer that he was on female hormones when he hooked up with PMK and she knew about his transition. But in the clip, PMK acts like this is brand new information to her while Kim Kartrashian says the scripted lines that were written for her. When Kummy Kakes tells PMK to let go, PMK really goes for that Emmy by squirting out krocodile tears.
E! said in a press release that every single member of the family (except for Kanye and Rob) will each talk about Bruce’s transition. Bruce executive produced the special, which will splatter against TV screens in a couple of weeks, and he hopes it will help “other families experiencing the same thing.” PMK said in the same release (no, she didn’t) that she hopes the special will “help her family get even more richer and famous.”
What’s most surprising is that this special is coming out weeks after Bruce’s big interview. Pimp Mama Kris’ pimp game is slipping! I would’ve guessed that she would’ve tried to shift the spotlight back to her from Bruce Jenner by airing this special right after his interview. For shame! But you know, it probably wasn’t her fault. The special effects team probably needed some time to add in those CGI tears. I mean, I’m pretty sure PMK can’t cry actual tears anymore, because she had her tear ducts filled with Botox and the souls of her victims a long, long time ago.
And here’s some pictures of PMK and Kendall™ landing in NYC for the Met Gala tonight as well as pictures of Kendall™ and Scott Disick having lunch with George Hamilton (???) and Gigi Hadid’s father last week.
Eyelash mogul/model/video ho/plastic surgery wonder Blac Chyna dragged 17-year-old Kylie Jenner by the chalupa lips the other day when she Instagrammed a picture of her wearing rubber lips the size of a rhino’s butt labia. Blac Chyna wasn’t done having a little Instagram fun and last night she threw up text messages that the father of her son King Cairo allegedly sent her. Blac Chyna wants everyone to know that while Tyga is waiting for his little girlfriend to finish having fun at a McDonald’s Playplace, he’s begging her to spend time with him and be one big happy, messy family. Blac Chyna exposed Tyga (or “Kings Father” as she calls his ass) with these screen shots:
Tyga didn’t call Blac Chyna out by name, but responded by tweeting: “Give it up.Get over it. Live Your Life. I ain’t here for the tea. Focus on what’s real in life. And surround yourself with people that you really care about.its simple.”
Really, fighting over Tyga? Does his dick cum Juvéderm or something? Just like when my dad would tell me that he’s going to visit me over the weekend, I’ve been throwing a suspicious squint at this silicone love triangle since the beginning. You can’t trust anything a Kardashian (even a Kardashian-adjacent like Kylie Jenner) does. I bet they’re all in on it together and Pimp Mama Kris has been pulling all of their strings. PMK probably wrote, produced and directed this stunt. And tonight, she’ll try to yank all the attention away from Bruce Jenner’s big interview with Diane Sawyer by live streaming a three-way wedding between Blac Chyna, Tyga and Wite Chyna (aka Kylie) in Las Vegas. I’m on to all of them!
And here’s Kylie, PMK (brace yourself for the sight of PMK in hooker boots), Khlozilla and those other ones leaving some restaurant last night.
And in “What Is Lindsay Lohan Causing Possible Damage To Now” news. London’s current problem Lindsay Lohan is currently unemployed (unless you count juggling lawsuits as a job, in which case bitch is working overtime), which means she has a lot more time to take pictures of herself apropos of nothing. So on Saturday she Tweeted a picture of herself looking like a down-on-her-luck Carmen Sandiego two days before the rent is due with the caption: “Break the Internet with clothes on
I’m not sure Lindsay knows how the internet works, because if every picture of a nearly-topless tramp in 10lbs of fake hair could break the internet, Instagram would have already shattered the internet worse than Mama June’s knee cartilage. Or maybe this is just one of the Apricot Ashtray’s classic grifts. First she claims the internet was broken when she got it, then demands she receive a new internet plus a full refund of her money and a handful of coupons. I used to work retail, I know how damaged goods scams work.
Speaking of damaged goods, she also took a picture of her hanging out with the President of the Diskount Hooker Warehouse Kris Jenner and the Kardashian family’s official spackle applicator Joyce Bonelli:
That sound you just heard was the internet cracking under the weight of PMKs thirsty fame whore game.
Yes, that is the O face Pimp Mama Kris made after she drew a pentagram (that’s her official signature) in blood on her new contract with E!. I understand if you need to clear your cookies, shut down your browser, turn off your laptop and dip it in holy water while vowing to never ever think of Dlisted again. I deserve it for throwing this dark-sided, unholy shit at you.
Page Six says that this country’s nightmare has been extended for another 4 years. Pimp Mama Kris has once again earned the title of Pimp of the Year by brokering a “record breaking” deal worth $100 million. PMK’s wax-covered, Botox-filled ATMs including Kummy Kakes, Khlozilla, The Slow One, Kendull and Kylie Jenner are all part of the deal. Bruce Jenner is not and neither is that one who lives under the stairs and only scurries out to grab a sandwich or a cupcake left on the kitchen island. I forgot his name and I’m sure they have too. Page Six says this deal is the biggest in reality shit show history.
The deal that is making the flames in Hell rise higher covers at least 4 more seasons of Keeping Up with the Kartrashians as well as new seasons of those Kourtney and Khloe Take (insert the name of the poor city they’re terrorizing here) shows. Thanks to E!’s deal with the devil, Khlozilla will continue to do red carpet stuff for them, Kummy Kakes will produce her own shows and PMK may open up a Kartrashian channel on YouTube. The source also spit out these fightin’ words:
“You’ll be seeing a lot more of the Kardashian family. This is a huge deal, which will see their involvement with the network and its digital properties expand well into the future.”
So that’s why I heard a high-pitched cackle echo through the land this morning. It was Ryan Seacrest, that evil midget minotaur with a blonde wig covering his whittled down horns, cackling as even more gold coins filled his pot.
This deal isn’t surprising. PMK has the E! exclamation point wrapped around her claw. If E! didn’t have the Kartrashians, what would they do? Greenlight a cooking show hosted by Giuliana Rancic? This world. It really is a sad day in America when Krapping Up on the Kartrashians is renewed for 4 more seasons and yet quality television like Flavor of Love isn’t on the air anymore.
And here’s Kim dressed like a day-shift Hunts Point hooker circa 1991 (no offense to day-shift Hunts Point hookers circa 1991) while going to the Brit Awards with Kanye yesterday.