Kylie Jenner better enjoy that stank show of hers while she can, because Pimp Mama Kris Jenner has the next Kardashian duo ready to take the mainstage: her melons! Fidget spinners are out, and Memaw mammaries are in! Just as Madonna and her birthday bazookas on center stage while she flubbed the words to her own song.
It’s hard to believe, but it’s been a solid ten years since our screens weren’t dominated by nasal-voiced broads hawking lip plumper and eyelash extensions. The Hollywood Reporter is out with a biblical-length profile titled “The Kardashian Decade” entailing all the behind the scenes dish on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. The serious cover, nude-colored wardrobes and the fact that the whole thing blurts “KIM IS MAKE-UP FREE! ALERT THE TOWN CRIER” in the first three sentences are supposed to make us think this is Raw! Unscripted! Real! Kar! Dash!
The fact that it looks like Kris Jenner’s head was photoshopped onto her body makes us realize this is business as usual. Continue reading
Kylie Jenner is more than just what you’d get if a funhouse mirror reflection of current-day Kim Kardashian came to life. According to the man responsible for turning Kylie and some of her sisters into uncanny valley versions their former selves, Dr. Simon Ourian, 20-year-old Kylie Jenner is actually a heroic inspiration to young women looking to nip, tuck, stuff, and fill their faces without feeling guilty about it.
Pimp Mama Kris isn’t just only a world-renowned pimp, she’s also a fame whore herself and isn’t afraid to shamelessly sell shitty products (I mean that in more ways than one) for a quick check. Like many fame whores (including ones she’s related to) before her, PMK pimped out the fairy tale in a grey packet called Flat Tummy Tea on Instagram yesterday.
Kris Jenner is the patron saint of bad mothers. She is so bad, that Dina Lohan probably lets out a wet burp while watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians before turning to her kids and yelling “At least I ain’t that bitch!”.
Now the rest of the world is finally ready to chuck Pimp Mama Kris and her stable of famewhores into the nearest dumpster next to the used condoms where they belong, because ratings for the show have been rapidly declining. It also doesn’t help that the romance between her son, Rob Kardashian, and the always elegant former Twerk Consultant, Blac Chyna, is on life support. What’s a pimp to do? Well, she’s decided to toss a couple dollars at Blac Chyna to make her stay with Rob! And since Chyna is used to having money thrown at her, it’s a totally acceptable and reasonable proposition.
Caitlyn Jenner writes in her memoir, The Secrets Of My Life, about having gender reassignment surgery, but she probably knew that she’d need something ESCANDALOSO to drop in order to really sell that shit. Enter: the O.J. case.
Since the O.J. Simpson murder case got a lot of attention last year thanks to American Crime Story and O.J.:Made In America, Caitlyn brings it up in her book. Caitlyn pulls out some brand new information that Robert Kardashian totally didn’t say himself in 1996. Radar posted a piece from Caitlyn’s book where she claims that Robert told her in so many words that he thought O.J. did it. Caitlyn also writes that she believes Robert only took the case because Pimp Mama Kris hated O.J. and he wanted to get back at her for moving on from their marriage and marrying a gold medal-winning athlete. Caitlyn should really get another gold medal in the sport of Making It All About Her.