Kim Kardashian’s objectification lecture with the Commonwealth Club of California happened last night, and if you couldn’t tell from that Rolling Stone cover above, the jist of her lecture was that she doesn’t really have a problem with objectification. We’ll get to that lecture in a second, but let’s get this Rolling Stone business out of the way first. Two thoughts on that cover:
1) Kim looks like an honorary Kaptain of a rubber dinghy called the S. S. Seamen (the first mate of which would be chum bucket Terry Richardson, who shot Kim’s kover).
2) A round of applause goes to the editors who showed an enormous level of restraint by not reversing the order of the words so that it read “Inside Kim“. Or maybe they did, but the second the first copy came out of the printer, Kris Jenner appeared through a firey hole in the floor and demanded a cut of the profits from people who bought the magazine expecting to find porn.
On to the interview. Kim really has nothing to sell or promote, so Kim just talks about Kim. And her kreator Kanye West. She also talks about her Where’s Waldo of a brother, Rob Kardashian, and manages to read his ass while doing so. Awww, what a great big sister!
Even Kris Jenner is like “Hahahahah! That’s a good one! All jokes aside, don’t forget to remind me to transfer your $19,500 weekly allowance from my bank account in Hell to yours when we get back from whatever event I’m pimping you out at here.”
Today’s reason for pulling out that trusty old “Sure, Jan” GIF is brought to you by Kylie Jenner, who recently admitted to InStyle UK (via UsWeekly) that she hasn’t seen any kash from Pimp Mama Kris since 2012. That would mean that according to Kylie, Pimp Mama Kris kut her off when she was 14 years old. Uh huh.
“My Mom cut me off financially three years ago so I pay for everything – my car, my gas and food as well as my clothes. There are so many outfits I bought in the past that I just think now are NOT cute – but there’s not very much I can do about it!”
“In the past“? Girl…
But really, does Kylie think we’re all dumb enough to believe that a 17-year-old bought a $2.7 million house with the money she made selling hair extensions? And that she pays for her lip fillers, how – with the loose change she finds in between the couch cushions of Khloe’s ass? Rich teenager, PLEASE. Who does she think negotiates her KUWTK kontrakt every year? PMK may not be handing her an envelope of kash every month, but she’s still on PMK’s payroll.
If Kylie is telling the truth and she hasn’t seen a penny from her mom in years, at least we know there’s still an adult in her life who can cover the bill if money’s tight that month. Speaking of, here’s Kylie’s adult boyfriend Tyga taking her to the movies last night.
I understand if you need to shut down Dlisted, toss your cookies in a red infectious waste bin and run the “exorcism” tool on Norton while throwing holy water at the screen as you scream, “I rebuke you demon of fame whores in the name of the Lord!” It’s a natural reaction to that dark-sided picture.
When Pimp Mama Kris showed up on the Met Gala red carpet in a cloud of black smoke and flames, Twitter erupted into a thousand “Adam Lambert, get yourself together, girl” jokes. What did Glamberace ever do to deserve to be compared to Lucifer’s hardest-whoring minion? Glamberts, I’ll hold your Hot Topic purses, as you go after the mean bitches who are saying that PMK looks like a melting Adam Lambert Claymation figurine that’s been dipped in the blood of Satan and shellacked.
But the sad part is that I would like PMK’s ensemble on anybody else. It’s an outfit that Krystle Carrington would wear to her wedding reception after marrying a Chinese military admiral. I was going to say that it’s something Alexis Carrington would wear, but that would be wrong and against my religion. Comparing PMK to a goddess like Alexis Carrington is like a Scientologist telling the truth. It’s blasphemous and goes against everything I believe in.
If you have enough holy water left, here’s more pictures of PMK as well as pictures of Kim Kartrashian (wearing one of Beyonce’s old ones), Kanye West, Kendall™, Tyga and Kylie™ who worked the “Panama City Beach lot lizard” look at an after-party.
You Knew This Was Koming: Pimp Mama Kris Makes Bruce Jenner’s Transition All About Her In An E! Special
Pimp Mama Kris and her main money-making whores, the KKKs, had no comment for ABC News when they were asked to give one for Bruce Jenner’s big 2-hour coming out party. Kendall™ and Kylie™ spit out a joint statement into ABC News’ hands. PMK, her KKKs and Black Sheep Kartrashian (aka Rob) eventually tweeted words of support for Bruce the night of his interview, but there’s no way they’d miss out on an opportunity to get a whole lot of ratings and attention by pimping out their feelings in a special for E!. Pimp Mama Kris didn’t disappoint us or the shameless fame whores who look to her for inspiration.
Today, E! shat out a clip from an upcoming 2-part special called Keeping Up With The Kardashians: About Bruce (more like “Krapping Up The Kartrashians: About Bruce But Mostly About Us Us Us Us”). Bruce Jenner told Diane Sawyer that he was on female hormones when he hooked up with PMK and she knew about his transition. But in the clip, PMK acts like this is brand new information to her while Kim Kartrashian says the scripted lines that were written for her. When Kummy Kakes tells PMK to let go, PMK really goes for that Emmy by squirting out krocodile tears.
E! said in a press release that every single member of the family (except for Kanye and Rob) will each talk about Bruce’s transition. Bruce executive produced the special, which will splatter against TV screens in a couple of weeks, and he hopes it will help “other families experiencing the same thing.” PMK said in the same release (no, she didn’t) that she hopes the special will “help her family get even more richer and famous.”
What’s most surprising is that this special is coming out weeks after Bruce’s big interview. Pimp Mama Kris’ pimp game is slipping! I would’ve guessed that she would’ve tried to shift the spotlight back to her from Bruce Jenner by airing this special right after his interview. For shame! But you know, it probably wasn’t her fault. The special effects team probably needed some time to add in those CGI tears. I mean, I’m pretty sure PMK can’t cry actual tears anymore, because she had her tear ducts filled with Botox and the souls of her victims a long, long time ago.
And here’s some pictures of PMK and Kendall™ landing in NYC for the Met Gala tonight as well as pictures of Kendall™ and Scott Disick having lunch with George Hamilton (???) and Gigi Hadid’s father last week.
Eyelash mogul/model/video ho/plastic surgery wonder Blac Chyna dragged 17-year-old Kylie Jenner by the chalupa lips the other day when she Instagrammed a picture of her wearing rubber lips the size of a rhino’s butt labia. Blac Chyna wasn’t done having a little Instagram fun and last night she threw up text messages that the father of her son King Cairo allegedly sent her. Blac Chyna wants everyone to know that while Tyga is waiting for his little girlfriend to finish having fun at a McDonald’s Playplace, he’s begging her to spend time with him and be one big happy, messy family. Blac Chyna exposed Tyga (or “Kings Father” as she calls his ass) with these screen shots:
Tyga didn’t call Blac Chyna out by name, but responded by tweeting: “Give it up.Get over it. Live Your Life. I ain’t here for the tea. Focus on what’s real in life. And surround yourself with people that you really care about.its simple.”
Really, fighting over Tyga? Does his dick cum Juvéderm or something? Just like when my dad would tell me that he’s going to visit me over the weekend, I’ve been throwing a suspicious squint at this silicone love triangle since the beginning. You can’t trust anything a Kardashian (even a Kardashian-adjacent like Kylie Jenner) does. I bet they’re all in on it together and Pimp Mama Kris has been pulling all of their strings. PMK probably wrote, produced and directed this stunt. And tonight, she’ll try to yank all the attention away from Bruce Jenner’s big interview with Diane Sawyer by live streaming a three-way wedding between Blac Chyna, Tyga and Wite Chyna (aka Kylie) in Las Vegas. I’m on to all of them!
And here’s Kylie, PMK (brace yourself for the sight of PMK in hooker boots), Khlozilla and those other ones leaving some restaurant last night.
And in “What Is Lindsay Lohan Causing Possible Damage To Now” news. London’s current problem Lindsay Lohan is currently unemployed (unless you count juggling lawsuits as a job, in which case bitch is working overtime), which means she has a lot more time to take pictures of herself apropos of nothing. So on Saturday she Tweeted a picture of herself looking like a down-on-her-luck Carmen Sandiego two days before the rent is due with the caption: “Break the Internet with clothes on
I’m not sure Lindsay knows how the internet works, because if every picture of a nearly-topless tramp in 10lbs of fake hair could break the internet, Instagram would have already shattered the internet worse than Mama June’s knee cartilage. Or maybe this is just one of the Apricot Ashtray’s classic grifts. First she claims the internet was broken when she got it, then demands she receive a new internet plus a full refund of her money and a handful of coupons. I used to work retail, I know how damaged goods scams work.
Speaking of damaged goods, she also took a picture of her hanging out with the President of the Diskount Hooker Warehouse Kris Jenner and the Kardashian family’s official spackle applicator Joyce Bonelli:
That sound you just heard was the internet cracking under the weight of PMKs thirsty fame whore game.
Yes, that is the O face Pimp Mama Kris made after she drew a pentagram (that’s her official signature) in blood on her new contract with E!. I understand if you need to clear your cookies, shut down your browser, turn off your laptop and dip it in holy water while vowing to never ever think of Dlisted again. I deserve it for throwing this dark-sided, unholy shit at you.
Page Six says that this country’s nightmare has been extended for another 4 years. Pimp Mama Kris has once again earned the title of Pimp of the Year by brokering a “record breaking” deal worth $100 million. PMK’s wax-covered, Botox-filled ATMs including Kummy Kakes, Khlozilla, The Slow One, Kendull and Kylie Jenner are all part of the deal. Bruce Jenner is not and neither is that one who lives under the stairs and only scurries out to grab a sandwich or a cupcake left on the kitchen island. I forgot his name and I’m sure they have too. Page Six says this deal is the biggest in reality shit show history.
The deal that is making the flames in Hell rise higher covers at least 4 more seasons of Keeping Up with the Kartrashians as well as new seasons of those Kourtney and Khloe Take (insert the name of the poor city they’re terrorizing here) shows. Thanks to E!’s deal with the devil, Khlozilla will continue to do red carpet stuff for them, Kummy Kakes will produce her own shows and PMK may open up a Kartrashian channel on YouTube. The source also spit out these fightin’ words:
“You’ll be seeing a lot more of the Kardashian family. This is a huge deal, which will see their involvement with the network and its digital properties expand well into the future.”
So that’s why I heard a high-pitched cackle echo through the land this morning. It was Ryan Seacrest, that evil midget minotaur with a blonde wig covering his whittled down horns, cackling as even more gold coins filled his pot.
This deal isn’t surprising. PMK has the E! exclamation point wrapped around her claw. If E! didn’t have the Kartrashians, what would they do? Greenlight a cooking show hosted by Giuliana Rancic? This world. It really is a sad day in America when Krapping Up on the Kartrashians is renewed for 4 more seasons and yet quality television like Flavor of Love isn’t on the air anymore.
And here’s Kim dressed like a day-shift Hunts Point hooker circa 1991 (no offense to day-shift Hunts Point hookers circa 1991) while going to the Brit Awards with Kanye yesterday.
I know – you can finally sleep through the night tonight without tossing and turning and wondering if the Drowsy-Faced Queen of the Koven made it to the annual Kardashian Khristmas Eve party. It was rumored that Kim Kardashian wasn’t going to make an appearance at Pimp Mama Kris’ annual celebration, but it looks like Santa and Baby Jesus got together and made a Christmas miracle, because she showed up. Kim’s professional famous friends Brittny Gastineau and Salacious B. Crumb Cheban both posted several photobooth pictures of Kim and her current husband Kanye West partying at the Kardashian Kash Kompound on Christmas Eve to Instagram. Meanwhile, the small human they like to take pictures with was up on the roof Tweeting: “@NorthWest: Any tips for sneaking into Santa’s sleigh? Need to get out of here ASAP #help #saveme”
No word on why it was rumored that Kim and Kanye Kardashian were thinking of skipping the party, but maybe it had something to do with TMZ saying they’re sad that they’re having trouble making a new photo op prop. Apparently Kim and Kanye have been trying to get knocked up for the past 9 months. S0meone needs to tell them that you have a better chance of getting pregnant if you’re both in the same city at the same time.
But enough about those two boring bowls of unsalted cashews trying to make another potential paycheck for PMK. Let’s focus on the real shimmering Christmas Star of the Kardashian Khristmas Party: HUMAN TREE-TOP ANGEL HIMSELF BRUCE JENNER!
Please ignore those two tragic 2s on either side and focus on the 10 in the middle. Because Christmas is the season of giving, Bruce decided to give the greatest gift of all – himself – and put in some face time at his ex-wife’s house. Look at that smile – that’s the face of a man who no longer has to wake up ever morning sandwiched between Pimp Mama Kris and Lucifer.
And here are some more picture’s from PMK’s celebration of cash…er…I mean, Christmas, including Khloe Kardashian almost flashing her figgy pudding:
If you haven’t been able to keep any food down ever since you suffered through that dark-sided video of Pimp Mama Kris opening her legs and torturing a candy cane, then prepare for your stomach to put an “Out Of Business” sign over itself after you watch the newest video of her assault on Christmas. If I have to suffer, we all have to suffer!
Because PMK’s boss Lucifer wants to destroy the birthday of his rival’s son for everyone, she once again joined unholy forces with Love Magazine to do an advent calendar video and this time she did it with her soon-to-be top girl Kendall Jenner. The video is like a cross between a production of Chicago at The Ninth Circle Playhouse and a scene from Mean Girls if Mean Girls was a horror movie directed by David Cronenberg. If Regina George’s mom had a Rosemary’s Baby, it would be Pimp Mama Kris!
The opening scene of this mess of a video has to be the most terrifying thing ever captured on video. At first, I breathed a sigh of relief, because I thought that maybe it was Bruce Jenner giving us Santa Baby sultriness. But then the camera panned all the way up to reveal the pimp Grinch who is ruining Christmas with her desperate cool mom moves while her money maker danced like an animatronic stripper on Vicodin and wine.
Kristmas is truly the scariest HOliday of them all.
And yes, I’ll save you a spot at holy water bin, because you will need to thoroughly cleanse your eyeballs after this.
From what I’ve gleaned in the 0.03 seconds of Keeping Up With The Klassless Trashians that I’ve seen, it was my understanding that Pimp Mama Kris is the one who kalls all the shots in that family, like what you wear, how many times a year you get married, the best time to accidentally leak a sex tape. But recently, PMK’s most profitable ho Kim Kardashian pulled a gutsy move and sent her mother an email telling her to fix her shit, fashion-wise. Is that drowsy-looking hooker crazy? Rule no. 1: never come for the bitch who controls your checking account!
Pimp Mama Kris posted a screen-grab of the email to Instagram yesterday, and yes, Kim Kardashian writes exactly how you’d think that lazy trick would write. Terrible spelling, and not a capital letter or period in sight. I’m sure spambots read this email and were like “###damn KIMKARDASHIAN, even my aunt who makes $7,956/hr working fromhome selling #1 top quality enhancement pills uses proper sentence structure###“.
Well, that was blunt – she didn’t even try to sugar-coat it. Or maybe her version of sugar-coating is deleting the words “LISTEN UP, U UGLY HAG” from the subject line. Either way, like Kim is in any position to give fashion advice. Hooker please, you sell clothes at Sears! Sure, PMK dresses like a real estate agent’s interpretation of Wednesday Addams, but that’s no worse than looking like an overstuffed sausage in heels, like some people. Kim, just because your current husband has the creative director of Givench as the #1 on his speed-dial doesn’t make you the honorary queen of fashion.
Speaking of over-stuffed sausages in heels, here’s Kim looking like a boiled weisswurst while visiting a laser clinic with a comically-assed Khloe Kardashian and cold bowl of soggy Special K Kendull Jenner yesterday.