Category: Kris Humphries

A Decade Of Rash, I Mean, Kardashian

August 17, 2017 / Posted by:

It’s hard to believe, but it’s been a solid ten years since our screens weren’t dominated by nasal-voiced broads hawking lip plumper and eyelash extensions. The Hollywood Reporter is out with a biblical-length profile titled “The Kardashian Decade” entailing all the behind the scenes dish on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. The serious cover, nude-colored wardrobes and the fact that the whole thing blurts “KIM IS MAKE-UP FREE! ALERT THE TOWN CRIER” in the first three sentences are supposed to make us think this is Raw! Unscripted! Real! Kar! Dash!

The fact that it looks like Kris Jenner’s head was photoshopped onto her body makes us realize this is business as usual. Continue reading

Kim Kartrashian’s Second Husband Wants You To Know That He Didn’t Shit On Bruce Jenner In A Tweet

April 25, 2015 / Posted by:

In “faces you forgot existed” news, Kris Humphries, one of the Geico cavemen’s slower cousins whose marriage to Kim Kartrashian lasted about as long as a pussy sneeze, watched Bruce Jenner’s big coming out last night and had something to say about it.

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Many people pulled out their pitchforks and were ready to drag the Shrek version of Taylor Lautner, because they thought he was yanking at Bruce Jenner’s main. (Pro tip: If you want to destroy Kris Humphries. You don’t need to use a weapon. Just ask him to divide 4 into 12 and watch as his head slowly explodes.) But I didn’t take it as a Bruce dig. I took his tweet as a Kuntrashian dig.

After the Internet tore him a new one, he tried to clear shit up:

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I think the real story here is that this pube-brained douche used the word “hence in a tweet and didn’t use any emojis. I would be offended over something Kim Kartrashian’s second husband of five seconds said, but I’m too busy being offended and disgusted over my nearest Starbucks being all out of old-fashioned donuts this morning. Now that is some shit to start a petition for.

And here’s Kummy Kakes looking like an alien cult leader at Variety’s Power of Women luncheon in NYC yesterday.

Pics: Splash

Kim Kardashian Is Finally Free To Marry Her Next Publicity Stunt Husband

April 19, 2013 / Posted by:

With everything that’s going on, I’m sure the number question on your mind has been, “BUT WHERE’S ALL THE KARTRASHIAN NEWS?!” Ask and you shall receive!

TMZ says that Kim Kardashian’s 10-second-long marriage to Kris Humphries is legally over and she’s finally free to continue to stomp on the pile of horse bones dust that is the sanctity of marriage. Pimp Mama Kris must’ve agreed to give Kris Humphries his soul back if he agreed to drop the annulment shit and walk away with zero dollars, because that’s what happened in court today. Kris wanted an annulment based on fraud and he wanted Kim to drop $7 million into his checking account, but he didn’t get any of that. He’s getting a regular divorce and Kim isn’t paying him shit. Kris will also have to pay his own attorney fees.

Radar says that the divorce will be made official sometime in June.

That’s that, so now you can officially go back to not giving a shit. And the ogre version of Taylor Lautner can climb back up the beanstalk, because he has failed us all. And all of us can go and unplug our TVs, because it’s only a matter of time before Kim is lifting Kanye’s bridal veil during their televised STUNT QUEEN wedding on E!.

Here’s Kim with Scottie Pippen’s wife in Beverly Hills yesterday. The black lace veil over her bump is a perfect touch, because the Kimye fetus has been mourning its future since day one.

Kim Kartrashian Wore This To Court Today

April 12, 2013 / Posted by:

Sadly for us, Kim Kartrashian wasn’t in kourt today to answer to her krimes against humanity. Kim was in court for a hearing in her never-ending divorce battle against Encino Man’s slower younger brother Kris Humphries. Kim and Kris were supposed to meet plastic face-to-caveman face today, but he got a severe case of the Lindsay Lohans and didn’t show up.

TMZ says that Kris was stuck in New York for some reason (SPOILER ALERT: He forgot how to operate a door knob and just stayed in his apartment and stared at the door until someone came for him), so he never got on a plane to L.A. The judge wasn’t happy about it and TMZ says he ripped Kris a new asshole (“Been there and Ray J’s boomerang dick is to blame.” – Kim). The judge set a new pre-trial hearing date for April 19th and he might throw a few fines at Kris for being late.

Radar has a totally different story. They say that Kris wasn’t in court today, because his team the Brooklyn Nets are playing the Indiana Pacers in Indianapolis and he was already excused. Radar also says that the trial will begin on May 6th and the court hasn’t decided if cameras are allowed or not.

I hope there’s going to be a sea of cameras in the court room. I really need to see smoke rise from Kris Humphries’ head when he’s asked a question that has more than three words in it. And I really need to see a crack form in Kim’s concrete forehead when she spits out a lie after she’s asked if she faked her marriage for publicity.

And somewhere there’s a sad, tacky, new money toddler who has to get a new first communion outfit, because this is what she was planning to wear. Kim Kartrashian really does ruin everything.

Kris Humphries’ Divorce Lawyer Is Divorcing His Ass

February 15, 2013 / Posted by:

Kris Humphries publicity stunt marriage to Kim Kardashian ended over a year ago, but they’ve been dragging their divorce ever since, because he wants an annulment due to fraud. Kim refuses to give him one, because she made an oath to Lucifer to never reveal the STUNT QUEEN secrets of the Illuminati.

The overgrown Cha-Ka refuses to give Kim a divorce and she refuses to give him an annulment and apparently his lawyer is siding with Team KKK. TMZ says that Kris’ lawyer Marshall Waller filed papers in court yesterday asking to be removed from the case, because he’s sick of dealing with a neanderthal-faced dumbass with dino shit for brains.

A source tells TMZ that Marshall Waller has been trying for months to get Kris to drop the annulment, because there’s nothing that proves that Kim tricked his ass into marrying her. Marshall tried to talk Kris  into moving on, but every time he’d say something, Kris would stare off into space, drool and then start pawing at a pen on Marshall’s desk. So Marshall is done with Kris. Kris has another lawyer, Lee Hutton, but Lee doesn’t have a license to practice in California so he has to find a lawyer to sponsor him before he can start representing the real-life Encino Man in the divorce case.

So Marshall Waller thinks that there’s no way to prove that Kim and Pimp Mama Kris committed fraud against Kris? They’re Kardashians! That’s the only evidence he needs. But we all know what really happened here. Either Pimp Mama Kris shook her cleavage full of cash at Marshall Waller or Khloe Kardashians threatened to skin him alive with her teeth and use his skin to make Bruce Jenner’s next face.

Here’s Kim making retinas rip while leaving the gym in leggings yesterday afternoon.

Kim K. Wants A Quickie Divorce So She Can Marry Kanye

August 13, 2012 / Posted by:

I’ll say it – nice ride.

If this bitch thinks that the right-minded people of the world are gonna stand for Kim Kardashian’s Fake Wedding Extravaganza 2 (“Now With The Right Shade Of Dick!”), she’s got another thing coming! The first time was so awful. Everywhere you turned, you saw a moustache in a wedding dress on every magazine cover and TV screen. It was a dark time when Kim Kardashian married that duh face with the bolts in his neck, and then dropped him as planned. Then she had the balls to act all shocked when people thought she was an even bigger cunt than they already thought for perpetuating her bridal lies. Well, get ready to see four handfuls of ass trying to stuff itself into a much-too-small gown down at David’s Bridal again. Bitch is looking to destroy the aisle once more.

Radar says that Kim Kardashian is trying to speed up her divorce from Kris Humphries, so she can marry her current boyfriend prop Kanye West. How the fuck you gonna fit those two egos in one setting? There isn’t enough atmosphere on this planet. Those two fools, Kim’s ass, Khloe’s The Howling body, AND JAY-Z AND BEYONCE? The amount of bullshit present will cause the damn earth to tip, our poles will reverse, and gravity will quit this bitch. That union will end the earth. Mark my words.

Kim is tired of waiting and thinks Frankenstein’s Monster is stalling so he can make her look like the greedy douche she is.

Radar:

“There is going to be a scheduled status conference on Wednesday for Kim and Kris’ divorce. Kris has already been deposed, but Kim hasn’t been yet. Kim has told her lawyer that the case is dragging because Kris is determined to keep his name in the press and drag her name through the mud. Kim is ready to get engaged to Kanye, but doesn’t want to until her divorce is finalized,” a source close to the situation tells us.

Kim is so very sure that “Kanye is the man she is going to spend the rest of her life with, and she doesn’t want to wait.” *chortle* The real threat to “traditional marriage” also feels that her deposition in the divorce proceedings is a waste of time, and wants the whole thing over ASAP. Kris wants her to admit publicly that their wedding was a hoax. And I want someone to spray the E! building with enough ranch dressing that it will entice Khloe to devour it. And Seacrest better be in the toilet when it happens. This is all his fault.

More pics of K&K motoring in that little gallery. It’s always the shitty people who have the nicest cars.

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