“Oscar winner Kobe Bryant” became a fact last night when he and animator Glen Keane won the Oscar for Best Animated Short for Dear Basketball, which was based on a poem he wrote about retiring. Many in the audience cheered and clapped for their Los Angeles basketball God winning an Oscar, but not everyone was using their hands to praise Kobe. Some were using their hands to sign a petition asking the Academy to take away his Oscar. And I was using my hands to scratch my head over Kobe Bryant having more Oscars than Gina Gershon (who should’ve gotten several for Showgirls), Glenn Close and the finale fly in Call Me By Your Name.
Another day, another baby announcement! Babies are like Pokemons – they’re everywhere, and just so hot this summer. So this time the baby in question belongs to Kobe Bryant and his wife Vanessa Bryant. People says that Kobe announced on Instagram yesterday that Vanessa is knocked up. It also means she’s secured herself a third child support check in the event they ever go through with a divorce. Congrats, Vanessa!
Baby Mamba totally sounds like a class you drop your infant off at while you go to Zumba. Kobe doesn’t say when Baby Mamba is due, but she will be Kobe and Vanessa’s third daughter. They already have a 13-year-old named Natalia Diamante and a 10-year-old named Gianna Maria-Onore. I’m sure there will be some people out there who see that massive lapse in time since Vanessa’s last pregnancy and whisper “band-aid baby“, but no! Stop being a hater! The only thing Vanessa loves more than collecting expensive-ass handbags and apology joo-ree is hanging out with her kids. Besides, it’s not that strange to wait ten years to get knocked up, especially when you’re married to Kobe. It probably takes that long to catch him on a night where he hasn’t already emptied the contents of his balls into someone else.
New York Magazine’s The Cut has an entire article on the NBA’s most fashionable wives and it’s basically just a platform for a bunch of gold-plated hos to fart drop the names on all the labels on all the designer clothes hanging in a closet that is twice the size of my apartment. It’s just the 1% reminding us poors that their queefs are made by the same perfumers who make Chanel No. 5. But what’s extra special about this article is that they talk to one of my personal heroes and gold digging icons Vanessa Bryant, seen above looking Kuntrashian-like while posing with her dog Gucci. Bitch WOULD have a dog named Gucci.
The Cut tells us that Kobe Bryant’s wife prefers to keep her personal life personal and she’d rather hump on her 8.5 carat diamond ring than hump on fame. Even though Vanessa hates the spotlight since the spotlight dries out the skin she slathers blended fetus cream on every night, she will lend her ultra famous name to foundations she cares about. (Example: During Kobe’s latest cheating scandal, Vanessa leaked stories to the press to benefit her #GetMoneyBitch Foundation. So giving.)
Vanessa talks about Khloe Kardashian, her marriage and how she’d never be married to Kobe if he didn’t win championships. Such a role model to me:
On how Birkin bags are for kids: “I’ve collected Birkin bags, Chanel 2.55 jumbo flap bags, and the Marc Jacobs Stephen Sprouse collection for Louis Vuitton since I was a teenager. But now, as they say, everyone and their mom is buying a Birkin or a regular size 2.55 bag in black, taupe, or beige. I’ve been sticking to a magenta suede Proenza Schouler bag.”
On how she’s SO real, because she doesn’t have a nanny and takes care of her kids by herself: “I’m up at 6:30 in the morning with my kids. I’m taking them wherever they need to go.”
On how she’s not about to get mauled by a Sasquatch: “Khloé was at my 29th birthday. I don’t get involved in the drama. I’ve been with Kobe since I was 17, so I’ve seen plenty of players, and plenty of wives, come and go. It wouldn’t benefit me whatsoever to have an issue with any of them, whether they were a girlfriend, or a wife, a person-of-a-month, or … you know. And I think that’s why the Lakers as an organization give me the access that I have, that other wives don’t have.”
On how she’s so special that they let her sashay into the tunnel after games: “If you notice, I am the only one allowed in that tunnel. I don’t like standing outside and giving him a kiss in front of all the cameras. So I stand in there to get away from them. But then the cameras end up following. And if the girls are there, sometimes, that’s their kiss good night for Daddy, and when he comes home, they’re asleep.”
On her marriage with Kobe: “We’re working on things.”
On how her husband sticking his wandering peen in any and every trick is okay, but losing a championship isn’t: “I certainly would not want to be married to somebody that can’t win championships. If you’re sacrificing time away from my family and myself for the benefit of winning championships, then winning a championship should happen every single year.”
“As they say, everyone and their mom is buying a Birkin bag.” Who is the “they” bitch that says this? I don’t own a stupid ass Birkin bag and I know my mom doesn’t own a stupid ass Birkin bag. I don’t even think my mom knows what a Birkin bag is. She probably thinks it’s a bag you keep your Birkenstocks in or a bag you barf into when you stare at Cheryl Burke’s face too long. I don’t know. But I guess you aren’t the “every” or the “one” in everyone if you don’t own a Birkin bag. Vanessa Bryant should be a guest editor for GOOP.
And now Kobe knows that if he wants to get rid of Vanessa Bryant, he just has to throw a championship game.
Last January, I stared at a picture of Vanessa Bryant PNJ (post nose job) on my monitor and softly sang the lyrics to “Wind Beneath My Wings” after reading that she hit Kobe Bryant up big in the divorce settlement by getting 3 Newport Beach mansions and half of the $150 million he made during their 11 year marriage. I was expecting Vanessa to use her gold digging shovel to break ground on GDU (Gold Digging University) so she can teach amateur wallet fuckers the tricks of her trade. BUT WAIT, hold your applications to GDU, because the Yoda of gold diggers has pressed pause on her divorce. Vanessa and Kobe never signed the papers, and for the past few months they’ve been going back and forth. The marriage is now back on.
TMZ says Kobe and Vanessa are working on patching up their torn apart, bloody carcass of a dead marriage. A source says that Kobe hasn’t moved back in with Vanessa yet, but they’re trying hard to fix the problems that ripped the heart of their marriage out. Vanessa and Kobe have until this Monday to sign the papers, taking the last breath out of their marriage, or they’ll have to file all over again.
Vanessa and Kobe are trying to fix the problems that ruined their marriage? HA! That’s like a power bottom trying to let the tear in his b-hole heal, but he just can’t stop sitting on peen after peen after peen. Vanessa and Kobe’s marriage died, because he couldn’t stop sticking his dick rod in the cooch hole of any Lakers groupie who winked at his ass. So how are they going to fix that problem when he’s still trying to beat Wilt Chamberlain’s record? The only thing Vanessa is working on is trying to fatten up her checking account more. Bitch really is brilliant. Vanessa doesn’t have to smell the random twat fumes wafting off of Kobe’s crotch when he gets into her bed at night, because he’s not living with her. And Kobe is out there making more money to add to her pot. Why hug half of $150 million when you can hug half of $200 million or $250 million. Now I know the REAL reason why one of my Salvadoran relatives, who will go unnamed, said to me once, “I can’t stand Mexicans.” Bitch was just hating on Vanessa Laine Bryant’s Hall of Fame-worthy gold digging game. The end.
High school guidance counselors, please dump all your college brochures into the recycling bin and update your “Have you thought about future?” speech, because having a college education, student loan bills stacked up to your ass crack and a 401k is no way to go through life. Why sit on an uncomfortable ass seat for 4 years listening to some shit you don’t need to know when you can sit on some professional athlete dick and wait until he eventually screws up so you can stick your wheelbarrow under his checking account and watch it rain! Elin Nordegren already proved her her GDD (gold digger degree) shits on your PhD and Vanessa Bryant has just co-signed that.
TMZ says that after all the negotiations, my new hero Vanessa Bryant will walk away with half of her and Kobe Bryant’s $150 million assets including three of their Newport Beach mansions. Vanessa’s mother gets to keep her mansion and Vanessa has snatched up the mansion she lives in now and the one she and Kobe were building when she filed for divorce. Add a monthly check for child and alimony support, and Vanessa is screaming like my mom when she won $5 in the penny slots.
Okay, okay, I shouldn’t say that Vanessa is completely screaming out saliva strands of happiness. I mean, her marriage did drown in a pool of rancid fuck juices Kobe made with his side hos and she was betrayed by her husband of 10 years. If you took all the money in the world, melted it into clay and molded it into an extra thick butt plug, it still wouldn’t be big enough to fill the hole in Vanessa’s heart. There are not enough dollar bills in the world to dry all the tears that are trickling down Vanessa’s face from Kobe breaking their vows. What is coming out of my fingers? I sound like Vanessa in front of Kobe’s lawyers during settlement negotiations. Bitch can fill her tear ducts with diamond gel! Bitch can buy a new heart to replace the broken one! Bitch can do anything (Helen Reddy said so!).
Kobe Bryant’s assets are lying in a fetal position, sucking on their thumbs and mumbling for their mommies, because Vanessa Bryant filed papers to legally quit his ass after ten and a half years of marriage. Distracting Vanessa’s eyes with the twinkles on a $4 million ring so she doesn’t notice that Kobe’s passing his peen to side ho after side ho is no longer going to work. The best part is that Vanessa never signed a prenup. All the gold diggers say YAAASSSS! Vanessa just grabbed a shovel, walked into Kobe’s money vault and will keep scooping up cash until all she hears is the sound of metal hitting floor. #GETMONEYBITCH
TMZ reports that Vanessa filed divorce papers in L.A. this afternoon and said “irreconcilable differences” is the reason why her marriage is in the morgue right now. One source says that Vanessa could no longer take Kobe coming home smelling like random pussy and so she’s finally putting him out. The source went on to say, “She’s been dealing with these incidents for a long time and has been a faithful wife, but she’s finally had enough. This one is the straw that broke the camel’s back.”
Vanessa wants joint custody of their 2 daughters, Natalia Diamante Bryant (DIAMANTE?!!!) and Gianna Maria-Onore, and spousal support, DUH. Vanessa and Kobe’s lawyers have been working on this divorce for weeks and he’s already agreed to pay her spousal support.
Do you think it’s a coincidence that under California law, if you’re married to a ho for at least 10 years, you get half of everything? Vanessa might be a certified platinum bitch (or so I’ve heard), but ho isn’t stupid. Did you think Vanessa stood by like a dumb ass during those rape allegations for her health? Bitch was waiting to get that KOBE CHECK! I’m just bracing myself for all the side pieces who are going to fall from the sky and land directly on the cover of The National Enquirer. I’m also bracing myself for Kim Kuntrashian to inevitably fall onto Kobe’s dick. I bet Pimp Mama Kris just orgasmed herself inside/out just from thinking about all the possiblities.