Depressing News Of The Day: Knut Drowned To Death

The words “polar bear enclosure pool” used to bring me a cheap laugh, because I’d think of the look on the face of that crazy bitch who was almost mauled to death when she jumped in. And now, it’s going to bring nothing but sadness, because the water is what ultimately did Knut in. Sort of.

Initial autopsy reports showed that Knut’s heart, kidney and liver were in a good condition, but there were signs of trauma to his brain. Some polar bear experts went so far as to say that the polar bear might have been bi-polar. Now the official word is that Knut’s brain swelled which caused him to collapse into the pool and drown. Tell the bartender to stretch his fingers before happy hour, because we’re all going to need a row of Klondike mud slides after reading that last part.

A professor of veterinary medicine at Berlin’s University was one of the doctors who examined Knut and said he believes the swelling in the brain started at least a few weeks before Knut’s death. Knut’s lungs were filled with massive amounts of water which leads them to believe that he drowned. The professor went on to say that Knut probably wouldn’t have survived even if he never into the pool. Eventually the swelling would’ve killed him.

And there’s the final chapter in the sad life of Knut. Hopefully, Knut’s soul is quickly reincarnated into another baby polar bear’s body in the North Pole. Then Prince Hot Ginge will befriend him and the two will shoot a documentary ala Grizzly Man together. Knut will finally get his happy ending! Wait. How does Grizzly Man end again? Forget everything I just typed and pour me my first Klondike mud slide of the day.

via BBC

Knut Likely Died Of A Brain Illness

The autopsy on the world’s most famous bear (sorry, John Travolta) Knut is still days away from being complete, but the Berlin Zoo has already issued a statement saying that preliminary findings shows that all of his body’s internal organs including his heart were in fine shape. However, they did find some weird shit going on in his brain. This is why polar bears shouldn’t drink Coke.

Some wannabe polar bear coroners speculated that Knut died from being locked up in an enclosure with three lady bears who constantly tormented him. But the bear curator at the zoo tells CBS (via USA Today) that if this was the case, there would be abnormalities in his heart or kidneys. There isn’t, so this leads them to believe that he suffered from some kind of neurological disorder.

This might also explain why Knut’s cold cunt bitch of a mom rejected him after birth and continued to refuse his love. A bi-polar bear-hating polar bear is a new brand of evil. It’s also a new tongue twister drama students can use during warm up.

Meanwhile, there’s a good chance the British Natural History Museum is going to stuff Knut and put his body on display. To which I say, KUNTS!