Pimp Mama Kris added Carmelo Anthony’s name to the long, long list of possible suitors for her hos after it was reported that he and his wife of almost 7 years La La Anthony (who is also Kim Kartrashian’s friend) decided that they didn’t want to be together anymore. Carmelo, who currently plays with the New York Knicks, and one-time MTV VJ La La (born name: Alani Nicole Vázquez) are living in separate places, but trying to keep things nice and drama-free for the sake of their 10-year-old son Kiyan. TMZ’s sources said their marriage has been floating in the toilet for a while, and apparently one of the things that helped La La decide to finally hit the flusher was finding out that Carmelo knocked up his stripper side piece. The good news for all of us is that we gained 10 extra minutes in our day because that’s how long the earth stood still from the shock of a professional athlete cheating on his wife.
Natalie Portman is at the Venice Film Festival where she’s selling two pieces of Oscar bait: one’s called Planetarium and the other one’s the Jackie Kennedy biopic called Jackee. (Typo and it stays, because I need to put the idea of a Jackée Harry biopic out into the universe.) In the pictures that have come out from Venice, Natalie has been looking a little inflated in the stomach area and some figured that she’s either got some vegan burrito-induced bloat up in there or her ballerino husband’s jizz fish pirouetted into one of her ovary eggs. It’s probably the second one.
That pounding sound you hear is a Maury producer frantically calling Mindy Mann to get her on a very special Paternity Test Results: Celebrity-ish Edition episode.
UsWeekly says that Mindy Mann, the nanny who fucked on Gavin Rossdale while he was still married to Gwen Stefani, has a baby growing in her body. Mindy’s sister threw up a picture on Instagram of her holding her fetus dome area while covering her face with an “It’s A Boy!” giraffe balloon. Someone left a comment on that Instagram post where they congratulated Mindy’s current dude, snowboard instructor Spencer Gutcheon (Gutcheon sounds like a really painful sex act), and said that he’s going to make a good dad. But bless The Daily Mail for trying to take this into ESCANDALOSO territory.
They posted a video of Mindy Mann leaving a Dollar Tree and keeping her lips shut as a pap congratulated her ass. The Mail also claims that she continued to keep her lips shut when the pap asked her who the father of her unborn baby is. Of course, Gwen Stefani pinked-slipped Mindy after that tattle-tale bitch iCloud called out her affair with Gavin. But even after Mindy got put on the curb, she and Gavin kept in touch. The Daily Mail posted pictures of Mindy and someone else having lunch with Gavin last week. Also, last December, Gavin’s Range Rover was seen in the parking lot of the nursery where Mindy works.
That Gutcheon dude is probably the baby father, but well….Gavin’s dick batter has been known to make at least one secret love child that we know of. But I guess we’ll know that Gavin IS the father when he tries to get more money out of Gwen to pay child support and when Mindy Mann takes her Single White Female act to the next level by naming her first son Montego Bay.
Here’s the greasy nanny fucker wearing an amazing disguise while leaving a Trader Joe’s with the new nanny and his sons.
Two strange things have happened: 1. Terry Richardson jizzed up into someone’s body instead of all over their face while taking their picture. 2. The ovary of that someone he jizzed up into didn’t immediately pull down its security gate and slap a “WE HAVED MOVED! NO FORWARDING ADDRESS!” sign on it as soon as it saw Uncle Terry’s nasty sperm fishes swimming toward it. I thought all women were born with that protective gene. I guess not. Because Page Six says that soon, the humanized skid mark on a pair of crunchy American Apparel chonies is going to be a father to an actual human being. SANTO DIOS!
36-year-old Morena Baccarin and 37-year-old Benjamin McKenzie (I know, he looks like he barely started growing crotch hairs) are on Gotham together and just yesterday I was reading about how they’re dating. Usually the way it works is that you read about them dating, and then you read in Life & Style about how they were “getting cozy” at Madeo or some shit, and then you read on tooFab about how Morena wore a ring on that finger while shopping at Fred Segal and blah blah blah… Well, these two have hit the FF button, because things have escalated quickly. Morena is knocked up with Ben’s baby and she just filed for full custody of the 22-month-old kid she made with her estranged husband. To quote my mother when I go to dinner with her and don’t order a big cup of booze, “This is an interesting turn of events!”
Morena’s husband, director Austin Check, filed for divorce in early July after three and a half years of marriage. Austin asked for joint custody of their son Julius. But Morena doesn’t want joint physical custody, because she lives in NYC and Austin lives in L.A. TMZ says that Morena filed papers today asking the judge to give her full physical custody. Morena wants Julius to live with her in NYC. Since she’s baking a baby in her body, she’ll eventually have to stop flying and she won’t be able to visit her son in L.A. Morena is at the end of her first trimester.
So, when Morena’s husband filed for divorce, she was already growing Benjamine McKenzie’s baby in her womb. Austin listed “irreconcilable differences” as the reason why he wants a divorce. Austin obviously went with that, because “Ryan Atwood bareback boned a baby into my wife’s body” wasn’t an option. And this maybe-drama makes up for the last season of The O.C.! Who knew that these two could bring the ESCANDALONESS? It’s always the quiet ones….
UPDATE: The judge ruled today that Morena and Austin’s son will mostly live with her in NYC.
Here’s Morena and Ben at the Emmys this past weekend.
Do you smell what The Rock is cooking? If you smell a mixture of boiling goat milk and Muscle Milk, then you do smell what The Rock is cooking, because that’s probably what his fertile jizz smells like.
Lauren Hashian, The Rock’s girlfriend of around 9 years, is baking a bundle of muscles in her womb after one of his sperm fish body slammed into one of her ovary eggs. Some source tells UsWeekly that The Rock and Lauren are “really excited” about becoming parents to their “little pebble.” (Side note: Santo dios, they’re totally naming their kid The Pebble.) Lauren doesn’t have to worry about spending hours in labor, because whenever The Rock’s child is ready to come out, it’ll crash through her stomach skin the same way The Rock crashes through a brick wall in his house when he forgets his key.
The Rock and Lauren (who is giving me Heather from Real Housewives of New York City with a drop of Giada De Laurentiis) are already parents to a bunch of Frenchies, but this is the first human child they will raise together. The Rock also has a 14-year-old daughter with his ex-wife Dany Garcia.
When The Pebble is born, The Rock doesn’t have to worry about Instagramming pictures of his new child, because we already know what that kid is going to look like:
I know, that was offensive. Like The Rock’s kid is just going to have a six-pack. Please. That child will be nothing but a 10-pack with eyes and a mouth.