HuffPost reports that friendless religious zealot Kirk Cameron thinks that all of the Category 5 terror that has been destroying parts of the world is a sure sign that his deity is angry at all of us. It’s because, in his estimation, we’re all Satan-worshipping slut sinners! Jennifer Lawrence would disagree. She sort of blames Trump. Well, Kurt, I checked with God, and she says “yo, wassup?” (who doesn’t love Empire Records?) as well as requesting that we don’t judge her by “that fool from Growing Pains.” I think she means Kirk and not Leonardo Dicaprio.
Kirk Cameron Gives You Ladies A Really Good Reason For Why It’s Probably Not Fun Being Married To Kirk Cameron
In case you needed to be reminded that Kirk Cameron is a hardcore evangelical who considers the Bible his handbook on life (which is why he makes the sign of the cross at any poly-blend shirt he comes across and considers Moe Howard the closest thing we had to Satan), I am here to remind you that Kirk Cameron is a hardcore evangelical who considers the Bible his handbook on life!
On Kirk Cameron’s shelf of achievements, his Kids Choice Award and People’s Choice Awards are about to get some company. The 35th annual Golden Raspberry Awards were shat out last night and the majority voted Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas as the biggest dingle that clung to Hollywood’s dirty asshole hairs last year. Saving Christmas is not only known as the movie that makes Jesus cry and say to himself, “I blame myself for that shit show,” but it’s also now known as a multiple Razzie winner! As Leonardo DiCaprio dries his tears on a Victoria’s Secret model’s (or RiRi’s) vagina lips while stroking his imaginary Oscar statue tonight, Kirk Cameron will be polishing his brand new Razzies. At least someone in the Growing Pains cast is winning awards.
Saving Christmas won Worst Picture, Worst Actor, Worst Screenplay and Worst Screen Combo. Even though it won 4 awards, it didn’t even come close to snatching away Jack & Jill’s record of 10 wins. You’ll be Jack & Jill next time, Kirk. If anyone can find a way to be worse, it’s you. But still, Kirk should celebrate with a Subway sub!
He earned it!
After the cut are the rest of the winners. And after six nominations, Cameron Diaz was finally honored for her contribution to cinematic turds:
Ageless Romney Girl and FOX News contributor Stacey Dash, who was never drugged by Bill Cosby FYI, celebrated her 48th birthday on Tuesday and Instagrammed this picture from her big blowout. Judging by that picture alone, the only people who showed up to her party were the lone mariachi guy she hired and the assistant who took the picture. I guess her party’s theme was Forever Alone. In Stacey’s caption of her birthday picture, she wished herself a happy birthday and reminded everyone that’s it’s January with a hashtag:
Thank you Lord for another year Happy Birthday to me (and to everyone that shares 1/20 God Bless you) #happybirthday #staceydash #January
That picture looks like a still from the Twin Peaks reboot. This picture has all the ingredients for a beautiful work of art from the lone mariachi chilling under that archway to that tiara from Big Lots on Stacey’s head to that weird cake candelabra to the discount last call children’s birthday cake from Albertson’s. That cake looks like all the Care Bear diarrhea’d on it. If you replaced that mariachi guy with my mom, Stacey with me and that struggle cake with a He-Man cake, that picture would look like it was taken at my lonely ass 6th birthday party.
And I didn’t think it was possible, but Stacey Dash managed to snatch away the title of Loneliest Birthday Party Picture from Kirk Cameron.
A Birthday cake candelabra and a lone mariachi are the new Subway sandwich and sad lady hovering in the doorway.
The nominations for the Academy Awards’ snarky couch-dwelling little sister (yes I just pictured Angie Tempura), the Razzies, were announced today. Usually I’d be beyond excited from all the warm feelings wrapping themselves around my little cold heart from reading the word “worst” so many times, but unfortunately I’m a little disappointed. No Most Underwhelming Performance nomination for Ben Affleck’s peen in Gone Girl? No Worst nomination for. No Worst Busted Wig for Jennifer Aniston in Cake? No Worst Onscreen Couple nomination for Kim and Kanye Kardashian for any video from their wedding?
But they did manage to recognize all the terrible work Cameron Diaz did this year, and that’s something – because she truly did some embarrassing shit in 2014 (and I’m not talking about humping on Benji Madden). Cammy D got two nominations for Worst Actress for The Other Woman and Sex Tape, one Worst Supporting Actress for Annie, and one Worst Screen Combo with Jason Segel for Sex Tape. And yet no nomination for Worst Screen Combo for Cammy and her vocal cords in Annie? Come on guys – that seems like a pretty obvious oversight.
Also receiving nominations for Worst Picture, Worst Actor, Worst Screenplay, and Worst Screen Combo was Rod Flanders’ human equivalent Kirk Cameron and his film Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas. Somewhere in Heaven, Jesus just high-fived God and said “Good. Saving Christmas was the worst birthday present I’ve ever received.”
The whole list of nominees is after the cut, including a new category called the Redeemer Award, which is exactly as WTF as you can imagine.
Kirk Cameron has been on a roll lately. The child star turned evangelical turd is on a mission to save Christmas (and whatever is left os his diarrhea dingle of a career) and he recently shat up a stocking coal of a movie called Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas. Kirk’s latest shit show is only at 8% (with an audience score of 39%) on Rotten Tomatoes and most critics say watching it is like opening up a box full of wet dog caca. Kirk has been begging his “fans” to flood Rotten Tomatoes with positive reviews to bring his movie’s percentage up. It’s what Jesus would want them to do. While in the middle of desperately trying to take his movie from rotten to fresh, Everything Is Terrible posted an entertainingly fucked up supercut of Kirk Cameron and some other dude talking about gays on The Way Of The Master Television.