What is it with super-secret weddings? They’re so hot right now! In the event you’re planning a wedding and you don’t know what’s trendy, just remember:
IN – Super-secret weddings!!!!
OUT – Giving your family and friends the heads-up that you’re getting married (ew, suh tacky)
The rest is all arbitrary: pick a cake, have an open bar to prevent your family from hating you forever, post a picture to Instagram and wait for the ‘likes’ to roll in. Or just skip the last part and let your ex-husband announce it on Twitter, like Kimora Lee Simmons did.
After reading a rumor online that Kimora was dating rapper and possible oil tycoon Birdman, Russell Simmons proved he has the heart of a yoga turtle and bravely cleared her good name (for real, read that super-embarrasing shit about Birdman’s oil company) on Twitter by letting everyone know she’s been off the market for a while:
— Russell Simmons (@UncleRUSH) February 19, 2014
I know, official RIP to Djimora Lee Simsou. As it turns out, shortly after their split, Kimora hooked up with investment banker Tim Leissner. Gareth from The Office face with an investment banker booty? You don’t say. You’ve got to hand it to Kimora; bitch takes a great mugshot and runs a tight gold digger game. Get it bitch! I hope your super-secret wedding also involved a super-secret pre-nup (Shhh…it doesn’t exist! Yaaaay). Congrats to you Kimora Lee Simmons Leissner! I’d say Mazel Tov, but it looks like this situation calls for a Clickety Clack.
The other tag line on this bargain-basement wreck should be: To Be Photoshopped To The Fucking Hilt!
Here we have Kimora Lee Simmons’ head on top of somebody else’s body in the ad for her new fragrance “Dare Me.” Obviously, somebody dared Kimora to digitally decapitate herself and gently place her head on the body of RuPaul’s doll. Sniffing “Dare Me” must cause a bitch to hallucinate, because that’s the feeling I get when I look at this ad.
This season of America’s Next Top JCPenney Newspaper Supplement Model: The Midge Edition is getting the worst ratings in the show’s history. So TyTy Banks is shaking things up in order to get hos watching again. Gatecrasher reports that Miss J Alexander has been kicked off of the judge’s table and will go back to coaching the girls on the correct way to sashay on the runway.
Joining TyTy and Nigel Barker as head judges will be Kimora Lee Simmons and Vogue’s Sultan of Side-Eyes Andre Leon Talley. Kimora was a judge on the first season of ANTM, but she was replaced by Janice Dickinson for whatever reason (aka TyTy fired her).
So, Andre Leon Talley, Kimora Lee Simmons and TyTy will all be sitting together….in the same room….in a row. CODE EGO. The fire department better be on hand at all times just in case these three bump heads. If they do, there will be an explosion of epic proportions and Nigel’s sexy ass will find himself trapped in a pile of weaves, paper fans, tarantula lashes and Spanx. And that’s just from Andre Leon Talley!
Since Andre is involved in Top Model now, does that mean the winner will get a spread in Vogue Antarctica?
My eyes were hoping to read that “Rhynstone Sara Lee Hounsou” is the name of Kimodo Dragon’s baby, but she has disappointed me. Kimora and Djimon actually gave their baby a cute name (or maybe I’ve had too much Sanka this afternoon). Page Six says their 4-day-old son has been named Kenzo Lee Hounsou.
They named him after fashion designer Kenzo Takada. Kenzo is Kimodo’s third kid. She has two daughters with Russell Simmons, Ming Lee and Aoki Lee.
Kenzo, Ming and Aoki? Get out the spandex, alert Hello Kitty and roll out the synthesizer, because they will soon be the world’s newest J-Pop sensation.
Picture a tiny human chilling out in a hospital somewhere with cashmere diapers over his nalgas and a canary diamond-covered beanie on his head. He really exists, because Kimuumuu gave birth to him yesterday morning in Los Angeles. This is the first baby Kimora and Djimon Hounsou made together. Kimora also has two daughters, Ming Lee and Aoki Lee, with Russell Simmons.
When Kimora’s vagina area started percolating, she Twittered that she was about to pop. You know, since Twittering that your pussy is about to combust is the new thing. Kimora wrote: “It’s time!! No turning back! At hospital in labor right now!! Having contractions now! Ooo- wee! It’s like WHOA! Love & Light, KLS.” 16 hours later, she updated everyone: “It’s a boy! Thanks to everyone out there for all your well wishes! More to come. Thank God. And God Bless! Kimora + Djimon Love & Light, KLS”
Kimora even posted the picture below of her in the hospital. Her personal Photoshop artists must have been pissed that she made them work on the weekend, because you know she had that shit touched.
And unfortunately, Kimora and Djimon didn’t announce a name. I’m hoping for Kimomo Diamante Lee or Kimoramon.
Mating with a narcoleptic turtle has paid off for Kimora Lee! This bitch is getting $40,000 a month from Russell Simmons! Okay, it’s really for child support, but you know that ho is going to skim a lot from the top for herself. Russell will never know, because she can store it in her neck!
People says that the divorce between the two was made final yesterday in Los Angeles. Russell agreed to pay $20,000 a month per kid until they turn 19. Drinks are on Ming and Aoki tonight!
Kimumu won legal and sole custody. Russell will get visits, but a nanny and security bitch must be present. Yeah, he’ll visit just to drop off the check.
The fuckery doesn’t stop there. Russell will also have to buy a car worth at least $60,000 every three years for his girls to sit in until they turn the tender age of 16.
We’re all in the wrong fucking business. Baby making with Russell Simmons is a recession-proof industry! Yeah, you might wake up with night terrors from having to lick on his out-of-the-bottle Tequila worm, but for $40k a month, it would be worth it.
$39,800 would be spent on my bar tab and my personal Mother’s Cookie factory in the basement. Kids don’t need that much money! Just throw them a carrot stick and a couple of Legos. They’ll be happy with that.