The last time we checked in on the status of Scott Disick’s relationship with Kourtney Kardashian, they were reportedly back together. Since Scott and Kourtney get bored with each other like Kim Kardashian gets bored of whatever face she’s had for longer than a couple months, they’re currently off again. But now they’re really off, and it’s all thanks to Scott trying to pull a fast one on the Koven during their recent vacation on the island of Costa Rica.
Variety interviewed a bunch of Hollywood and media types about Donald Trump’s win and one of them was Chelsea Handler. Surprisingly, Chelsea didn’t say that crazy bitch Angelina Jolie is solely to blame for President-elect Trump becoming an actual thing. Instead of doing that, Chelsea directed everyone to point their blaming fingers at Calabasas, CA.
And in a stunning development that may cause you to tip over with pure shock, Kim Kartrashian didn’t shoot reenactment scenes of her Paris robbery for an Unsolved Mysteries-style 12-part investigative event airing on E!. Pimp Mama Kris is saving for that sweeps.
Ocean’s Eight was turning out to be my kind of movie. It had everything: a dramatic heist, a random cast that summoned a million question marks, Cate Blanchett in “washed-up rocker lesbian turned owner of an art gallery” chic and a dog on a skateboard (just lie to me and tell me they gave that talented bitch a major role). But then the evil makers just had to taint it with a giant plastic splattering of fame whores. Kim Kartrashian and all-natural sliver of dehydrated celery Kendull Jenner will be in it. Well, I guess every movie needs a piss break and it’s pretty fitting to make Kim the star of a pee time scene.
Kris Jenner must be changing her Spanx every 20 minutes due to all the attention-triggered pee dribbles she’s been letting out over this week. First there were the arrests, and now there are charges. I bet she’s already contacted Ryan Murphy and asked how much he’d pay for the exclusive rights to a little script she’s thrown together called American Krime Story: Kim vs. The Jewelry Thieves. “And if you need someone to play the lead role, I’ve been told I’m a dead ringer for Kim!”
One of Kim Kardashian’s favorite Paris chauffeurs is off the hook after getting arrested, along with several others, on Monday in connection with Kim’s jewel heist. TMZ says that the driver, Michael Madar, has been released from custody without being charged. Michael, seen above holding an umbrella in an attempt to keep Kim from melting, was arrested along with his brother Gary Madar.
Michael and Gary sometimes drive the Kardashians when they come to Paris, and Michael was the last person to drive Kim before she got robbedy. Police thought Michael might have been in on the suspected inside job, but the company he works for, UNIC Worldpass, tells TMZ that he was in custody for testimony purposes only. Gary Madar, on the other hand, might be a different story. The Daily Mail says he’s still in custody.
The police are still interrogating the robbers, but it sounds like one thing they might be giving up on is finding Kim’s gaudy jewels. Sources tell TMZ that Kim’s legal team has been told by police that her jewelry – including the $4 million diamond ring Kanye West gave her – is pretty much le gone. Police claim that most robbed diamonds are shipped off to Belgium and then disappear. I’m sure Kim and Kanye don’t really care. After all, having Kim covered in millions of dollars worth of jewels would really klash with the “pretend poor” aesthetic they’re going for on social media.
Being trapped in a vehicle and driving Kim Kardashian around sounds like the kind of job that would get real old really fast. You’d be constantly trying to figure out if the annoying vibrating sounds you’re hearing are from the engine or Kim’s drowsy baby voice. Your back seats will have to be replaced every four-to-six trips due to Kim’s ass wearing a giant misshapen groove in them. One of Kim’s Paris drivers won’t have to worry about how they’re going to tell her they can’t take it anymore and need to le quit, because they’re probably going to get le fired first.