Kim Kardashian West’s ass-tronomical booty is an entity all its own. Of course we all know it’s faker than a $9 bill. But still, her butt has become her calling card. Unfortunately after years of filling it with all kinds of chemicals, that shit is starting to look like a drunken third graders science project. So Kim is taking measures to make sure her poop chute remains among the elite of hot messes, and her husband Kanye West is 100% on board with Kim’s reconstruction plans.
Donatella Versace may be my pick for best dressed mess at last night’s Meth Gala and that’s only because sources (that only exist in my head) tell me that she trolled the shit out of the KarJenners.
Because Anna Wintour will invite any ole’ trick with 10 million Instagram followers or more to the Met Gala, Kylie Jenner went again and looked like the low-tide baby of Draco Malfoy and Travis The Singing Trout who got caught in a barf-colored fishermen’s net. Donatella Versace is partly responsible for that busted look since she designed the dress, but that’s not the trolling I’m talking about. I’m talking about Donatella posing next to Kim Kartrashian’s fame whore apparent while looking like a really glamorous piss stream.
The original Kim Kartrashian was there last night, so I’m surprised that her packing peanuts-stuffed ass didn’t act on instinct and immediately rub themselves against Donatella’s golden showers gown. My only complaint about Donatella’s stunning sopissticated look is that she didn’t finish it off with a boomerang fascinator on her head. Then she’d really look like piss coming out of Ray-J’s boomerang dick. Next time, Donatella. Next time!
Because Kim Kardashian wants to stay Kris’ favorite daughter, Kim saved talking about the traumatic details of her Paris apartment robbery for Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Unfortunately, many people seemed to be busy on the night of Kim’s Very Special Episode. So she packed up her saddest face and hit up every publicist’s favorite daytime talk show, Ellen, and talked some more about being robbed at gunpoint.
Somewhere, a sad trumpet is playing Taps for waist trainers, for it seems they’re no longer the favorite excuse for how a Kardashian’s body suddenly looks different. Now it’s the flu. The illness that takes your ass halfway into the afterlife with vomiting, chills, cold sweats, hallucinations, and diarrhea is apparently Kim Kardashian’s new weight loss plan. And as you already know, a whole lot of people recently dragged her for admitting so.
Last night, Kim went to dinner in Los Angeles looking like a human tapeworm.
Kim Kardashian West last night pic.twitter.com/pTIiwcKFO4
— KKW (@KimKLegion) April 19, 2017
UsWeekly says Kim explained why her body looked a tad smaller by tweeting that she had lost 6lbs thanks to the flu.
“The flu can be an amazing diet. So happy it came in time for the Met lol #6lbsdown”
The two brain cells shuffling around in Kim’s cranium must have been busy trying to help her decide which shade of beige looks best wrapped around her butt, because they clearly weren’t there to whisper “Um, people might not lol at referring to the flu an amazing diet.” Some people on Twitter dragged Kim for glamorizing an illness and questioned whether she would say the same thing to her daughter if she got sick with the flu. Kim eventually deleted the tweet.
Personally, I think Kim deleted the tweet after Kris Jenner caught wind of Kim giving away diet tips for free. “Kim, you should know better! If you’re going to promote an unhealthy way to lose weight, at least try to register it as a trademark. The Flu™ could have been a bigger Instagram scam than Flat Tummy Tea!”
If they really wanted to go crazy with their levels of security, they’d post that picture of Pimp Mama Kris at their front door. PMK’s gaze in that picture can turn almost anything to stone!
When Kim Kardashian returned to the U.S. after getting robbed at gunpoint in Paris, she had an army of security guards following her. Pimp Mama Kris tells UsWeekly that they’ve upped their security even more, and I guess that means that Kendall Jenner is keeping her opulent jewels in a place that’s more secure than a jewelry box, like in a pair of Rob Kartrashian-designed socks or under a pile of Tyga CDs. You know, places where no one wants to go.
Four months after Kim Kardashian was robbed at gunpoint in her apartment in Paris, several photos and a surveillance video of the night of the robbery have been released. The crime scene photos and surveillance video were released by French news channel TF1 yesterday. Google translate broke it all down into English for me, but it still made about as much sense as a note written by Kanye West. So I moved on over to TMZ‘s coverage of the story. They say the pictures show Kim’s bedroom, a roll of duct tape used to bind her, and what appears to be the piece used to gag her. There are also stills from the surveillance video which show the alleged robbers meeting at a cafe several times after the robbery.
Kim Kardashian Robbery Crime Scene Pics Surface (PHOTO GALLERY) https://t.co/MLX3CiqvYA
— TMZ (@TMZ) February 19, 2017
I knew those alleged jewel heisters were old, but they look really old. That’s like Ocean’s Taking Eleven Different Pills for Arthritis old.
Video of the alleged robbers getting away on bikes was released shortly after the robbery, but now we know what they did after they got away. TF1 also aired a reenactment of the robbery, which sounds tacky and exploitative and I’m sure Kris Jenner loved it and requested a hundred copies of it.
The French report also states that the alleged thieves used code words and code names over the phone while discussing the robbery. They don’t say what Kim’s code name was. This is the information we need to know. Was it “Dame Derrière“? “Visage Plastique“? “L’Ancienne Assistante de Paris Hilton“?
Here’s Kim and Kanye going out for dinner on Saturday night in Los Angeles. Kim wore track pants and a fur coat (gotta stay loose and warm after your latest procedure), and Kanye wore a coat made from the wallpaper in your aunt’s powder room.