Being trapped in a vehicle and driving Kim Kardashian around sounds like the kind of job that would get real old really fast. You’d be constantly trying to figure out if the annoying vibrating sounds you’re hearing are from the engine or Kim’s drowsy baby voice. Your back seats will have to be replaced every four-to-six trips due to Kim’s ass wearing a giant misshapen groove in them. One of Kim’s Paris drivers won’t have to worry about how they’re going to tell her they can’t take it anymore and need to le quit, because they’re probably going to get le fired first.
And in a PLOT TWIST that may shock everyone who thought that the Kartrashian jewelry heist was a staged scheme for attention and insurance purposes, the people that were arrested didn’t include Kim Kartrashian herself, Kanye West, Pimp Mama Kris and producers from E! for falsifying a crime for ratings. So we’re not going to get the image of little Ryan Seacrest kicking and screaming as French police put him into Just My Size™ handcuffs.
The news reported yesterday that thousands of people who were in a coma miraculously woke up and doctors can’t explain it. There’s now an explanation: Kim Kartrashian hit the ho stroll AND she took her first selfie of 2017. We all have a reason to live in this world again!
This item comes to us via Radar, so, there’s your salt shaker. All you need is a grain.
A “source” from the Kim Kardashian and Kanye West side of the tracks claims that Beyonce allegedly read Kim her rights during a harsh phone call. Pfff, like Beyonce even uses something as common as a “phone.” All her messages are sent by burning bush or global flood.
Many last-minute attention whore dreams came true for Kris Jenner this year, all thanks to her annual Khristmas party. She got tons of attention by keeping Blac Chyna’s name off the guest list, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West temporarily killed those divorce rumors by taking an awkward family picture together and now this little crusty nugget. Paris Hilton went to Kris’ party and posed for a picture with her fame whore spin-off.
I know what you’re thinking. “When the hell did Cher and Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man drag have kids?!!!” Believe me I said the same thing, but that is not them. 2016’s winner for Most Miserable Khristmas Kard is brought to you by none other than Kim Kardashian-West and her beloved Frank Ocean impersonator hubby Kanye West. I believe if Charles Dickens were still alive, first off, he’d be old as fuck. But secondly, I believe that he would have based his ghosts from A Christmas Carol off of the Kardashians, with Caitlyn Jenner as the ghost of Christmas Past, Kris Jenner as the ghost of Christmas Present (because her children are the world’s favorite stocking stuffers) and all the little Kid-Dashians as the ghosts of Christmas Future, which is a scary thought. And also in his updated tale, Kim is Tiny Tim to Kanye’s evil Scrooge.