ABC released Barbara’s list of the ‘Most Fascinating People of 2013′ today in preparation for her yearly television special of the same name, and all in all it’s pretty much what you’d expect (movie star, TV star, person from the news, Royal baby, the Twerk-munk). However, there is one inclusion that has got to be either a mistake, a joke, or a misspelling of the name Jim Radashian (I just made up a name and I’m already more interested in my fake-name person than the real one):
Some of the year’s biggest names in news, entertainment and pop culture are sitting down with Walters for her annual special “Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of the Year.” The 90-minute program will air Wednesday, Dec. 18, at 9:30 p.m. ET.
The special, in its 21st year, includes Hollywood darling Jennifer Lawrence, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden, ABC News’ very own “Good Morning America” anchor Robin Roberts, Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, together known as KimYe, the breakout stars from the hit reality TV show “Duck Dynasty,” and arguably the most famous infant in the world — Duchess Kate and Prince William’s baby George, the heir to the British throne.
The No. 1 most fascinating person of 2013 will be announced on the program. The show will also reflect on moments from the past 20 years of Walters’ “Most Fascinating People of the Year” specials, which started in 1993.
My money is on ‘joke’. The only thing fascinating about Kim Kardashian is her genealogy: What type of demon did Kris mate with? Was the contract signed in blood or botox? Is baby North the result of a Rosemary’s Baby situation (with Kanye playing the Mia Farrow role). What kind of questions (sorry, kwestions) will Barbara even ask them? Everything we needed to know about KimYe was already answered in Bound 2.
But the #1 Most Fascinating is still a mystery. A few theories have been floating around Dlisted HQ, including, but not limited to: Tardar Sauce (aka Grumpy Cat), Courtney Stodden’s helium-inflated implants, Bruce Jenner’s pony tail (FINGERS CROSSED) and the KFC Go Cups. But who will it be? And who even cares? The special hasn’t even aired yet and already I’m thinking: “Let’s see what’s on The Weather Channel”.
If you want to piss off Kim Kardashian (OFF, not on- nobody called your number, Ray J.), tell her she’s a shitty parent.
Yesterday, Kim tweeted, “We took our baby girl swimming today for the 1st time, she loved it so much! #BestDayEver” and a commenter called her ass out according to Ok!, saying it must be nice for NorthSouthEastWestUTurn to finally spend some time with her parents. I guess KK’s typing fingers aren’t as overblown as her fish lips, because she unleashed all the fury you’d find pent up in a 14 year old girl and tweeted this in response:
Ah, behold the ignorant hater defense! Anybody looking for solid parenting tips definitely needs to tune into the Twitter account of someone who is with their baby “247″, yet jet sets to Paris when said baby is 3 months old and goes to every show where their fiancé is ranting on stage wearing clothes that would make a blind man cry and masks I’m pretty sure were made during my five year old’s craft time at school. I know my idea of a good time when my kids were infants was to take slut dress selfies in public bathrooms while my husband stood behind me looking like he’d rather be blowing a hobo in Macy’s window than be in the same room, so I’m glad that Kim and I finally have something in common.
At 5 months, North is most likely already rolling her eyes at her mom’s Instagram captions of shit like “Foreva eva” and is waiting for the day she can aim herself for the pool filter and be shot out the other side into the arms of parents who aren’t so far up their own asses.
Yes, the baby Jesus was born just so those Kartrashian whores could pose in a dark-sided UNGODLY Khristmas Kard that’s sold exclusively in the back room of a Hallmark in the darkest part of the Ninth Circle. If you need a quick response to this bukkake of fuckery disaster, just look at that Mason kid. His body language speaks for all of us.
If Satan swallowed a Las Vegas landfill whole then diarrhea’d into the mouth of Photoshop, and if Photoshop then gorged on copies of Blade Runner and a bunch of tabloids before shitting onto a pile of broken neon signs, the end product would be more attractive and festive than the Kardashian Khristmas Kard. On last night’s not-so-special episode of the Illuminati documentary Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian brought David LaChapelle in to shoot the annual family holiday card. David didn’t want any dudes or children in the picture, because dudes and children didn’t fit in with his vision. But after the slow one drooled out a lukewarm stream of complaints about her kids not being in the picture, David agreed to shoot Mason and Penelope. David also bent the “no dudes” rule a little by letting Khloe pose in the picture.
I’d like to think that David LaChapelle is just screwing with them and they’re too stupid to figure it out. Because this is a glorious mess of symbolism from the ATM behind Kourtney to Bruce Jenner (looking like Patti Smith after surviving a meth lab explosion) trapped in a glass tube for eternity. David truly captured essence of Kim, Kourtney, Khloe and PMK, and by that I mean he made them look like the fake pieces of trash they are.
And no, Kanye wasn’t physically in the picture, but I see him everywhere. This is what the skid marks on the inside of his leather panties look like.
I’ve been laughing at this picture of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West for a long fucking time and still can’t decide what my favorite part is. The finely architected public bathroom with the utopian automatic paper towel dispenser? The slits in that dress one can only imagine makes her hips look like mashed potatoes being squeezed through a baby’s fist when she sits down? The look on Kanye’s face, which I’m choosing to believe is a silent plead to that majestic eagle on his shirt to come to life and carry him away from anything Kardashian?
You know your shtick is played out when Kanye of all people is standing behind your Cream of What ass (that was supposed to be “wheat” but whatever), looking like he’d rather be sitting in the middle of a Skechers outlet seconds store surrounded by bargain shoppers and design mediocrity than be near you.
While Kanye performed in Miami, Kim hung out with my lesbi-honest girl crush, Gabrielle Union, some basketball wives and living Picasso Jonathan Cheban, who put his PR background to good use trying to convince anybody with a pair of eyes that whatever the hell this plate of crap is that KK cooked for Thanksgiving was edible.
If this was a game of charades, I’d guess that Kanye Kardashian is a dimming sparkle in the middle of a doody bubble (aka Kanye in Kanye’s word). Or maybe he’s the lone, trapped, scared and dying brain cell in Kim’s empty Spanx-covered brain? Or maybe he’s a douche-filled cream puff. I can play this game all through Skanksgiving.
Kanye and Kim Kartrashian gave an interview via satellite from their own asses to Hot 97 (via UsWeekly) yesterday and it was your regular old Kanye interview and by that I mean ridiculous shit spilled out of his mouth hole. Kanye called Kim the most beautiful woman in human existence (it’s not known if he’s talking about Kim with her original face, her second face or her third face) and he compared their love to Romeo & Juliet’s love. (Did Kanye just spoil the ending to his and Kim’s “love story”?) Kanye squirted out this laughing fluid about his trophy:
“Okay, ladies and gentlemen. All barber shops, fashion designers, architects, corner stores, Wall Street, all over the world: Y’all acting like this ain’t the most beautiful woman of all time! I’m talkin’, like, arguably of human existence — the top 10 of human existence. I don’t give a fuck what type of jacket she’s got on!
Our love story’s a love story for the ages. I felt like when we first got together, it was like a Romeo and Juliet kind of thing, where it’s like, she’s a reality star and I’m a rapper, and people talk about how our brands connect and what doesn’t fit. And I’m just so tired of the conversation of brands.”
Immanot let you finish, but Shauna Sand is the most beautiful woman of all time!
The ridiculous shit nuggets of verbal fuckery that come out of Kanye’s mouth really don’t have an affect on me anymore. He’s like that spoiled, delusional brat ass 6-year-old whose parents never told him to shut up and who hasn’t yet learned the adult art of keeping your crazy thoughts to yourself sometimes. You just want to smirk and hand him a juice box along with a mayonnaise sandwich.
And in a different interview, Kanye pretty much called the Kardashians the Rosa Parks of interracial relationships:
“A lot of what the Kardshians do, I don’t think they get enough credit for what they do. They prep America to accept interracial relationships. I’m not talking about me, I can hope on a plane. I can date a white woman, I can date a black woman, and no matter what they say in the barber shop don’t matter, because I don’t get my haircut there. For the people that do, though, there’s a white woman that’s getting talked down to by her friends because she’s dating a black guy. Now you’ve got a point of reference, that you can say, ‘Well, actually this couple right here, that’s dope.’”
I know Kanye West has always said some shit that doesn’t really make sense, but ever since he got some of that Kardashidrug in him, he’s really dove down into new levels of delusional. Pimp Mama Kris somehow found a way to inject even more delusion into his head. I think this means that PMK is the true supreme and that’s not a good thing. Call Fiona Goode! Call Marie Laveau!
And here’s Kanye wearing a coat made from Kim’s waxed-off anus fur while going shopping with her in NYC last night.
Kim Kardashian Is A Charitable Saint Who Is Auctioning Off Her Old Clothes To Benefit Typhoon Victims (And Herself, Mostly Herself)
That headline makes more sense if you read it as “charitable taint.”
Last night, Kim Kartrashian acted like the giving whore she is by making one of her minions queef on her blog about how she’s auctioning off a bunch of her clothes on eBay to benefit the victims of the typhoon in the Philippines. This was exciting news for sick, nasty bitches who really want to own a stretched out leather skirt covered in the blood of Satan, Pimp Mama Kris’ saliva, skid marks, fake tanner shit and Kanye’s cum stains. (Note: Those cum stains didn’t come from Kanye humping on Kim. They came from Kanye putting on the leather skirt and jizzing at how hot he looked while posing in the mirror.) Kim’s minion shat this up (via The Gloss):
Hi guys, this is a very special auction because a portion of the proceeds of my eBay auction are going to International Medical Corps, which is a nonprofit organization that provides critical health services on remote islands where families are struggling to access medical care and basic resources like food, clean drinking water and vital medications. The proceeds will go directly to the communities they’re serving in the Philippines and will help typhoon survivors get access to medical care and ultimately save lives. My prayers and thoughts are with those affected by the typhoon. Check out my eBay auction here and support those who need our help in the Philippines. Xo
Selling all her old rags and donating all the proceeds to International Medical Corps is a nice and kind-hearted thing to do, which is why she’s not donating all proceeds to charity. Bitch is only donating 10%. At the bottom of every auction is this little note:
I don’t think this is the first time that Kim and Pimp Mama Kris have pulled the “Let’s use a catastrophe to fill our greedy, gaping assholes with even more MONAY and get a tax write-off at the same time!” scheme. Greedy bitches staying greedy. But you know, I shouldn’t be so hard on those used enema whores. They probably wanted to donate 0.0000000000001%, so they really are giving
holes souls by donating 10%. True givers. Yes, the victims in the Philippines need clean water, food, clothes, shoes and basic human necessities, but Kim needs that 90% more. She needs it to buy fillers to keep her face looking like a dead-eyed rubber mallard duck that’s been ran over by a semi.
Here’s St. Kim and her friend Falala (or whatever the hell her name is) pushing North West in NYC.
Make your amends, settle your debts and kiss your grandma goodbye, for the end is fucking nigh.
People is reporting that Oxford Dictionaries has declared “selfie” as it’s Word of the Year for 2013. As attention whores everywhere celebrated by taking at least a dozen in their bathroom mirror, everybody who actually has a friend to take their damn picture for them looked for a window to Morgan Freeman themselves out of.
“Selfie” beat out “twerking” for the title, proving that the paradigm shift to everybody being a special snowflake and deserving a trophy for participating has come around full circle and kicked us all in the ass. Previous Words of the Year include “bailout”, “default” and “occupy”, all relating to major political or economic issues. You know your short list is complete shit when everybody loses no matter which options wins. (Side note: Kanye has already drafted an all-caps letter to Oxford demanding to have his creativity recognized and nominating “architected” for next year’s honors.)
Here’s a gallery of celebrity pics if you want to take a moment and say, “fuck you very much” to the best of the worst- Kim K., Rihanna, Miley, and HRH Prince Douchecanoe of Selfie (aka Justin Bieber). The ONLY person who should get a pass on the selfie is this lady. Her game is so on point I can’t even hate.
(Photos: Twitter and Instagram)
I hate Kanye West a little more today, because when I woke up this morning and saw a headline for something called “Bound 2,” the nipples on my soul got hard thinking that Hollywood was finally doing something right by making a long-awaited and highly-anticipated sequel to this lesbian erotic thriller masterpiece extravaganza:
But no, I’m not going to get fresh scenes of a butch Gina Gershon scissoring with a glamorous chola Betty Boop played by Jennifer Tilly. “Bound 2″ is the name of the song that Kanye just shat out a video for. This is not the Bound 2 that anybody wanted. Instead of getting shots of Gina Rob Ford’ing Jennifer Tilly, we get Kanye boning a naked and lifeless Kim on a motorcycle in front a bunch of moving landscape paintings bought at the swap meet.
Kanye Kardashian debuted his video for “Bound 2” on Ellen and I don’t know whether to tell you that it’s best if you watch it with your eyes closed or with the mute button on, so I’ll just tell you to watch with your eyes closed and with the mute button on.
That video is the opposite of an inspiration poster. At the dentist office in the ninth circle of hell, that video is on the ceiling instead of a Where’s Waldo? poster. These two dildos have the on-screen chemistry of Backdoor Farrah’s gaping b-hole and James Deens’ soft dick. They make Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley look like two horny rabbits who actually love fucking each other.
I kept waiting for Ellen to jump out of that Sears Portrait Studio background and declare that this is just a prank, but that didn’t happen. Kanye West is serious with this shit and Kanye West is delusional enough to be serious with this shit. I just wish that Ellen’s cameras showed reaction shots from her audience, because the Internet definitely needs more GIFs of middle-aged women making “…the fuck is this life?” faces.
It’s messes like this that make me grateful that Kanye West has the fashion sense of a cold turd sitting on a sidewalk and constantly suffocates Kim Kardashian when he wraps her seven layers of Spanx and makes her look like an overstuffed egg roll. Kanye is always coming up with new and creative ways to make Kim look as ridiculous as damn possible. Kim is dead enough inside to just shrug and say okay when Kanye says that her tits would look really hot if she covers them in that foam netting sleeves that covers the melons at Asian grocery stores.
Bitch looks like a 10 pounds of ground beef in a small flour tortilla and if she had frijoles and some corn cake on her sides, she’d be a burrito combination plate at El Torito. And now I’ll never ever be able to order a burrito at El Torito again.
Here’s more of Kim and her ever-changing face going to dinner with her ho apparent Kendall Jenner in NYC tonight.
I can’t even lie, I studied this photo Kim Kardashian posted on Instagram of Kanye West speaking at the Harvard School of Design for a sleeping James Franco because it is far more plausible that James could be found in the corner of that stairwell passed out like a stoner version of Where’s Waldo while Kanye talks than the fact that a group is actually listening to him. According to USWeekly, Kanye was at Harvard as part of the “DONDA Design Lecture” series.
“I just wanted to tell you guys: I really do believe that the world can be saved through design, and everything needs to actually be ‘architected.’” he said. “And this is the reason why even some of the first DONDA employees were architects that started designing T-shirts instead of buildings. But just to see the work actually be actualized,”
“If I sit down and talk to Oprah for two hours, the conversation is about realization, self realization, and actually seeing your creativity happen in front of you,” he reasoned. “So the reason why I turn up so much in interviews is because I’ve tasted what it means to create and be able to impact, and affect in a positive way.”
“I believe that utopia is actually possible,” West said before complaining, “But we’re led by the least noble, the least dignified, the least tasteful, the dumbest, and the most political. So in no way am I a politician–I’m usually at my best politically incorrect and very direct. I really appreciate you guys’ willingness to learn and hone your craft, and not be lazy about creation.
I’m sure it took a lot of effort and creative genius to pool together the design resources necessary to architect the fuck out of a $120 plain white tee shirt. There’s also no chance in hell of anything good coming of Kanye and Oprah talking to each other for two hours. Most of us would make it about 26 seconds in that room before the only thing in front of us would be our own two feet as we go at either one of them with a kangaroo kick to the face.
The best part was Kanye saying that only the dumbest, tasteless and undignified of fucks are running the world, and it’s hard to disagree after watching his onstage rant in Boston last night. If you’re not inclined to waste over 6 minutes of your life listening to Deep Thoughts With Yeezus: Autotuned and Angry, the highlights include him saying shit and fuck over and over again while asking the audience what one has to do to prove creativity, all while wearing a mask that may be the internet troll face.
Who doesn’t love a motivational speech that starts with, “They get they panties in such a bunch”?