Well, it’s nice to see that the contacts John Travolta wore to play Robert Shapiro found another gig on Kanye West’s eyeballs.
Kanye really does live inside of a fart bubble of delusion where he believe he’s a major trendsetter, because what in the hell is new about some beauty supply contacts and a bedazzled Levi’s jean jacket? (Although, THE QUEEN probably loves his goatee since it’s shaped like one of her pocketbooks.)
Nearly ever other girl in the early-90s had to go to the doctor for some pink eye shit they got from sleeping in discount colored contacts. Zillions of chicks wore some Siberian Husky contacts and also had a jean jacket that she glamour’d up with rhinestones and puffy paint from the craft store. And they all wore that shit better than Kanye did at the Met Gala tonight.
Anna Wintour probably has an assistant whose sole job is to provide an arm for her to dig her claws into when she fills with rage over a bitch fucking with her nerves. Well, that assistant probably almost lost their arm when Kanye showed up to the Met Gala in ripped jeans. And speaking of things ripping apart…
I will never be able to eat stovetop popcorn again without smelling burnt plastic, lead paint and piss, because Twitter ruined it for me by comparing Kim Kartrashian’s ass in that dress to Jiffy Pop that was left on the stove too long.
Because self-awareness and dignity are not things Kris’s Kadets learn, Kimmy Krapdashian surprised no one when she tried to make last night about her. Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy… The waxed ball of butt implants decided to post a bunch of thirst trap pictures to Twitter and number them countdown/art serial number style while Beyonce’s Lemonade was airing on HBO last night. Koincedence? I think not. The black and white snaps are close-ups of legs and tits and her face, basically what comes to mind when you think of her. They’re also just krappy pictures kropped krappily with a black and white filter thrown in to try and make you think Kim is entering her “artist” phase.
It’s the weekend, which means most of you are happy. But I’m working to entertain you people. So let me bring a little darkness into your otherwise bright, shiny day. Prepare your mind for a trip to a place so dark, so twisted, one might call it a dark, twisted fantasy. I wouldn’t. But the person in question definitely would and would tell you it was an honor and a privilege to enter this nightmare realm. I present to you, The Bootyhole Baron aka Kanye Kardashian telling the world that he has never watched porn with the sound on. You’re welcome. Now you’ll be thinking of this heaving mound of ego playing skin flute by himself.
It’s not exactly shaping up to be a great week for secondary kharacters on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. First Khloe Kardashian decides that it’s time to stop pretending to care about Lamar Odom’s problems (and maybe to take a look at those divorce papers again). Then Kanye West gets kaught ranting about being an “artist” again. Now TMZ is saying that Kylie Jenner’s broke boyfriend might have to say goodbye to another one of his leased luxury cars.
According to documents obtained by TMZ (aka dropped off on their doorstep by Blac Chyna before her trip to the fire station with Fiance Rob), Tyga owes a whole lot of money to a car loan company called Choice Motor Credit. Tyga hasn’t made any payments on his 2013 Lamborghini Aventador, and now CMC is coming after him for $357,350.77. If Tyga can’t come up with the money, they’re going to repossess his Lamborghini.
This isn’t Tyga’s first repo rodeo with Choice Motor Credit. Back in February, CMC took back Tyga’s 2014 Bentley Mulsanne. TMZ says Tyga still owes CMC more than $91,000 for that Bentley. This also isn’t his first time getting in trouble for being too broke to pay the bills. Back in August, it was revealed that Tyga owed two different landlords a combined total of $150,000 in unpaid rent (with one landlord threatening to evict his deadbeat ass). A month later he was busted giving his girlfriend a $260,000 Ferrari for her birthday that was leased in her name.
Maybe if Tyga is lucky, his sugar teen will swoop in and save the day, and he won’t have to part with his Lamborghini. And if that doesn’t happen, he could always ask one of the producers of Keeping All These Kunts Relevant for an advance on his paycheck. I’d say he could also ask for an advance from his real job, but I’m not entirely sure he still has one of those.
Here’s Tyga’s girlfriend and the factory mold she was cast from (who appears to be cosplaying a hooker from The Matrix) at a recording studio earlier today.
This post is really just an excuse to gently caress your eyeballs with the velvety beauty of the tip moistening Italian Adonis who looks like he was chiseled out of a giant blog of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter by Michelangelo. When the Internet hands you a reason to post an exquisite portrait of the human vibrator for eyes, you take it. But while we’re here, let’s go into Fabio pissing all over Kim Kartrashian, and not in the way that made her famous.
Last week, the company responsible for the Kardashians’ favorite waist trainers was hit with a lawsuit by a group of women claiming the waist trainers worked about as well as the muscles in Kim Kardashian’s face (which is to say, not very much). Well, the Kardashians are once again in trouble for their brand-whoring ways, but this time, it’s because they didn’t sell out hard enough. Damn, the Kardashians kan’t katch a product-pimping break!
The NY Daily News says that a company called Hillair Capital Management has filed a $180 million lawsuit against the trifecta of tacky, Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe Kardashian, for fraud and breach of contract. Hillair Capitol is pissed off because they put $10.8 million into Kardashian Beauty (formerly Khroma Beauty), back in 2014 and haven’t seen a return on investment. Kardashian Beauty was in need of some financial help two years ago after their original distribution company went tits up. So Hillair promised to fund distribution on the condition that Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe keep promoting it. You know, like pretending they actually use it.
But according to Hillair’s lawsuit, the Kardashians weren’t happy with the amount of coins that were dropped in their beggin’ cups, and they started looking for other investors. Hillair claims Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe then forced Hillair into a buyout by withholding support of Kardashian Beauty. The lawsuit also accuses Khloe of talking shit about the brand at a 2015 beauty expo in Dubai, and slapped at Kim for putting her name on a lipstick for the far klassier makeup brand Charlotte Tilbury.
Hillair wants their $10.8 million investment back, as well as its interest in the company, which they value at being between $64 million and $180 million. A lawyer for Kamp Kardashian has called the lawsuit “a disgrace” and accuses them of spreading “lies.” They also blame Hillair’s mismanagement on why Kardashian Beauty is in the krapper.
Hillair doesn’t realize actually just how large of a bullet they dodged when those greedy opportunists stopped pimping out their khosmetics khompany. I mean, at least waist trainer selfies are somewhat easy to Photoshop. But you know they’d never be able to show such restraint when retouching their faces. So yes, they lost a bunch of money. But it’s nothing compared to the money they’d lose after millions of pissed-off customers hit them with a class-action lawsuit after discovering that Kardashian Beauty products don’t actually transform their faces into airbrushed cartoons.
So it turns out we’re not done talking about Kim Kardashian’s week-old twitter fight today. During an interview with The Daily Beast at SXSW yesterday, Little Annie Fanny’s human cousin Amber Rose once again defended the slut honor of her former enemy/current rubber-faced ally Kim Kardashian. Except this time, it got her in a whole mess of trouble with Beyonce’s legion of rabid fans.
When Kim Kardashian decided to channel her inner-Kanye and clap back at the naked-rubber-body-selfie haters on Twitter last week, she specifically went after three famous people: Piers Morgan, Bette Midler, and Chloe Grace Moretz. Piers was an obvious choice, since he loves getting into Twitter fights over boobies. Bette Midler was a bad choice, since I’m pretty sure it’s a federal crime to come for The Divine Miss M.
But the easiest decision Kim made was to come for the person who wasn’t exactly joking when they implied that she needs to put some clothes on, which was Chloe Grace Moretz. However, Chloe Grace Moretz is a little surprised that her tweet to Kim about women being more than their bodies was taken as shots fired. Chloe recently spoke to Elle and admitted that she definitely wasn’t trying to “slut shame” Kim. So if Kim thinks she was, that’s on Kim.
“All I’ll say is that I think a lot of things can be misconstrued in a lot of ways. And I think if people open their minds more, and they try to look deeper into something than just something that is a very big, hot, fiery button to hide behind…I think if people looked into something bigger that I was trying to speak upon, they wouldn’t be so easy to fire back silly, miscellaneous things.”
She also had some advice for the young women who are seriously considering taking a night school class to learn how to Photoshop their bodies into an emaciated peanut shape for their Instagram pictures.
“Depict yourself adequately as what you want to be seen as. Don’t front, don’t put something out there that you feel isn’t realistic and doesn’t portray who you are. Just be yourself, be you, and don’t be afraid to speak your mind.”
I hate to break it to Chloe, but that’s an awful lot of words for Kim to process. Especially since she has limited time for reading every day, and it’s usually reserved for reading the text messages her children send her via their nannies. Besides, all Kim is going to do is pick out the words that appeal to her most (probably “big” and “behind“) and mentally turn it into an ass-kissing compliment. “OMG Chloe, that’s so nice of you to say that about my butt. Thank yeeewwww.”
I assumed we were done with this mess as soon as hillbilly peacemaker Miley Cyrus chirped up on Instagram pleading for everyone to try to get along, y’all. But no, the online slap fight no one asked for continues. Yesterday, Pink celebrated International Women’s Day by tweeting the following message:
— P!nk (@Pink) March 9, 2016
Pink doesn’t name any names. But she didn’t exactly have to. The parts about “attention” and “tits and asses” were probably a not-so-subtle reference to Kim Kardashian’s and her attention-yanking plastic mommy selfie. After Pink posted her International Women’s Day pep talk, she must have read Kim’s essay about “empowerment.” Because she followed her note up with a tweet about being open to everyone’s feelings and opinions. But Pink made it clear that those feelings and opinions won’t change her mind. Well, proud slut Amber Rose is determined to change her mind. Or at least determined to start a sub-fight within this race-to-the-bottom nonsense.
Before she went to bed last night, Kim Kardashian (with no help from Kanye or Khloe, uh huh) got a head start on her daily quest for attention by going after Bette Midler, Piers Morgan, and Chloe Grace Moretz on Twitter for hating on her for tweeting a picture of her naked body.
Since then, shots have been fired from all sides. Bette shot back at Kim by sniping that she’s nobody’s fake friend and read her for being able to take a selfie and not being able to take a joke. Kardashian family ally Bella Thorne slapped at everyone judging Kim’s decision to post naked plastic mommy selfies. Emily Ratajkowski came for Piers by calling him sexist, before rendering her opinion null and void by referring to what Kim does as a “career.” And now Miley Cyrus, seen above looking like The Three Blind Mice’s dirtbag drop-out brother, has taken a moment out of her busy pie-baking and ironing schedule to give us her thoughts on it all.
Dear women, you ALL are acting tacky AF! Why don't we overly (myself included) fortunate women come together and try to create and bring jobs to other women in desperate need of them so they can support not only THEMSELVES but their families! #happyinternationalwomensday can we all put the cuntiness aside for one fucking day and love / celebrate one another! PS no matter how hard you (or myself) work NEVER will I feel I am worthy of the comfort I live in…. Because so many others while I tuck myself in at night are laying their head on the pavement, dreaming of all the things we take for granted every day. Much love to all my women!!!!
You know there must be a disturbance in the force when you find yourself agreeing with Miley Cyrus. But even though I agree with most of what Miley has said, I cannot with a good conscience get on board with her directing her message to “you ALL.” According to my religion (First Wivesbyterian), referring to Saint Bette Midler as “tacky” gets you a one-way ticket to Hell.
Pic: Miley Cyrus