From what I’ve gleaned in the 0.03 seconds of Keeping Up With The Klassless Trashians that I’ve seen, it was my understanding that Pimp Mama Kris is the one who kalls all the shots in that family, like what you wear, how many times a year you get married, the best time to accidentally leak a sex tape. But recently, PMK’s most profitable ho Kim Kardashian pulled a gutsy move and sent her mother an email telling her to fix her shit, fashion-wise. Is that drowsy-looking hooker crazy? Rule no. 1: never come for the bitch who controls your checking account!
Pimp Mama Kris posted a screen-grab of the email to Instagram yesterday, and yes, Kim Kardashian writes exactly how you’d think that lazy trick would write. Terrible spelling, and not a capital letter or period in sight. I’m sure spambots read this email and were like “###damn KIMKARDASHIAN, even my aunt who makes $7,956/hr working fromhome selling #1 top quality enhancement pills uses proper sentence structure###“.
Well, that was blunt – she didn’t even try to sugar-coat it. Or maybe her version of sugar-coating is deleting the words “LISTEN UP, U UGLY HAG” from the subject line. Either way, like Kim is in any position to give fashion advice. Hooker please, you sell clothes at Sears! Sure, PMK dresses like a real estate agent’s interpretation of Wednesday Addams, but that’s no worse than looking like an overstuffed sausage in heels, like some people. Kim, just because your current husband has the creative director of Givench as the #1 on his speed-dial doesn’t make you the honorary queen of fashion.
Speaking of over-stuffed sausages in heels, here’s Kim looking like a boiled weisswurst while visiting a laser clinic with a comically-assed Khloe Kardashian and cold bowl of soggy Special K Kendull Jenner yesterday.
Just like many women do, botox-brained certified moron Kim Kartrashian gained some chunk while knocked up with her latest fashion accessory. But unlike most women, Kummy Kakes thinks that Godl tested her by drowning her hotness in fat. In Elle UK’s annual
Adobe Appreciation Issue Confidence Issue, Kim injected a whole lot of confidence into every pregnant woman by saying that the weight she gained wasn’t a natural biological reaction to being fetus’d up. It was the lord above teaching her a lesson. Kim dribbled this out:
“I’d think God was doing this for a reason. He was saying: ‘Kim, you think you’re so hot, but look what I can do to you.’ My body just went crazy. After five months I swore I’d never get pregnant again. I got so huge and it felt like someone had taken over my body. I’d be sitting there, nearly 200lbs, crying and swearing this will never happen again, and sometimes I’d actually be laughing about it.”
Kim went on to say that while God might hate her, God, Buddha, Allah, Krishna and the other deities must really, really hate Rob, because have you seen him?
If Kim had a sense of humor, the fillers she injects into her face ate it a long time ago, so I don’t think she’s joking. This is what happens when you have Kanye in your ear.
If there is a God and they care about Kim for some reason, they wouldn’t punish her by putting pregnancy weight on her body. They’d punish her by making her Google loon balloon ass smaller, because then what would she oil up and stick out on the cover of Paper? If anything Kim and her family of soul suckers are God’s punishment against humanity for making fame whores more famous. And here I am kontributing to it. I will try to make it up to the gods above by reciting the lyrics to the Golden Girls theme song 100 times. (The GG theme song is my answer to Hail Mary.)
Here’s some pictures of Kim taking her rubber spatula face for a walk in NYC.
God A Team Of Skilled Plastic Surgeons Created Kim” (there, I fixed it for you).
Since it’s the holiday season and Pimp Mama Kris needs to pimp out the merchandise, Kim Kardashian made an appearance in this month’s Elle UK to talk about her tits, ass, and…uh…well, that’s pretty much it. She talked about her body. Kim Kardashian, as predictable as a sunrise. But honestly, what else is she going to talk about? It’s not really Kim’s fault; she has CADD (chronic attention deficiency disorder), and her doctor says we need to pay attention to her every 0.3 seconds or she’ll go into shock. So let’s get to it!
Anna Wintour Admits That Putting Kim And Kanye Kardashian On The Kover Of Vogue Was A Stunt Queen Move
When Anna Wintour put the Cheap n’ Tacky Twins on the cover of VOGUE seven months ago, most of us assumed it was because she was getting sick of waking up every morning to 30 new voice mail messages left by Kanye West that start with him begging her to help him turn his porn star-turned-reality star girlfriend into a high klass lady, and end with him crying “IT’S NOT FAIR! I WANT IT!”
But it turns out it actually had nothing to do with Kanye throwing a tantrum or a kall from Kim Kardashian’s agent, Lucifer H. Satan. During an interview with Alina Cho for Fashionista at the MET on Monday night, Anna Wintour admitted that she put the Cheap n’ Tacky Twins on the cover of VOGUE because she knew it would be controversial and get VOGUE some much-needed attention. Then she made buttholes everywhere pucker with delight when she hissed this perfectly wonderful air-kiss to the drowsy hooker queen and her current husband:
“I think if we just remain deeply tasteful and just put deeply tasteful people on the cover, it would be a rather boring magazine! Nobody would talk about us. It’s very important that people do talk about us.”
At first I wanted to kick out a chair and tell that penis head haired-looking trick to take a seat for using those two dumb fame whores to get attention, but then she came in like a cunty cloud and threw that beautiful shade and I melted into a puddle of happiness. I always forget how devastating a good backhanded compliment can be! It’s easy to call Kim Kardashian a tacky trampy plastic-assed narcoleptic-faced hooker, but it takes a bitch working at a whole ‘nother level to describe her as “not deeply tasteful“.
If only Pink, the orphan Kim wanted to adopt from Thailand, had read Anna’s interview before she spoke to The Daily Mail about not wanting to get adopted into that family of fame-humping trash. Instead of saying “It wouldn’t be good for me“, she could have said “I’m not ready to drop out of school and become a full-time fame whore, so it wouldn’t be good for Kim and Pimp Mama Kris.”
Here’s Kim looking like a factory second Real Doll and wearing another rubber skirt while hustling her new toilet water (sorry, eau de toilette) in Australia:
Seen above in Melbourne wearing about as much plastic that’s in her ass, Kim Kartrashian is in Australia to talk about how Russian scientists recently explored the end of the world crater between her butt cheeks. Kummy Kakes is also there to whore out her new bottle of skank stank called “Fleur Fatale.”
While on the Australian TV show The Project, the show’s host Rove McManus asked Kim why she smeared her greasy jamón ass all over the cover of Paper Magazine and if she really balanced that champagne glass on her ass. If you’re going to read what came out of Kummy Kakes’ mouth, put on a heavy duty pair of goggles and plug your nose, because right after one thick wave of delusion hits you in the face, another one does, and another… via UsWeekly:
“I was so honored and excited to work with [photographer Jean-Paul Goude] because he is a legend, and for me that was something I wanted to do to make myself feel confident. As a role model I’m not saying anyone else should do that, but for me it was an art project and it taught me to do what you want to do. I’m never one to preach, but I felt really positive and really good about myself. I love the photos, I did it for me, I hope other people like them.
My back hurt for about a week after that shoot…I used muscles… [Goude] has an art of posing you and it was definitely not comfortable.”
Roll model (typo and it stays)? Art project? A hurt back? And muscles? Bitch’s husband really did install the Kanye app in the half-broken hard drive in her mannequin head.
Kim’s back hurt for a week after doing that nothing pose? Bitch got boned by Ray-J’s boomerang peen in a sex tape and that stupid pose hurt her back? Rusty ho. But then again, I’ve seen that sex tape and a comatose sloth moves more than she does in it.
And I didn’t know Adobe put out an industrial-strength version of Photoshop called Muscles
Kendall Jenner Keeps Trying To Konvince Us That Being Related Kim Kardashian Hasn’t Helped Her Career
Because it wouldn’t be a day that ends in Y unless a Kardashian was burping out something delusional, Good Morning America teased a clip this morning of tonight’s episode of Nightline featuring Kendall Jenner discussing her new job as the face of Estee Lauder (seen above looking ~ so edgy~), and naturally, the first question asked is about who got her the job. Pimp Mama Kris’ kurrent favorite has defended herself in the past to all the naysayers who think she’s only booking work because she fell out of the same vagina as Kim Kardashian, and once again, she wants you to know that her new job as the face of one of the largest cosmetics brands in the world has nothing to do with PMK making her kash in on the fame of her famous drowsy hooker-looking sister.
“In reality, I worked pretty hard for this, like running around doing tests. It wasn’t like I just [snaps fingers] got it magically and it’s just happened.”
I’m sure there are people out there who are kicking out a chair and asking Kendall to take a seat, because most people’s definition of “working pretty hard” for something doesn’t usually include being related to a famous ho who is currently married to a guy who is BFFs with both the creative director for Givenchy AND the editor-in-chief of Vogue. But I believe Kendall! I think she did have to work her ass off to get where she is! Imagine living in the shadow of ageless beauty Bruce Jenner? I bet every modeling agent was like “You need to drop that last name, because if someone sees JENNER, they’re going to be very disappointed when they find out it’s not your shimmering Swarovski crystal of a father.”
Chelsea Handler isn’t the kind of bitch to miss out on an opportunity to show her ass (and I mean that in more ways than one), so she used that cover of Paper Magazine (or as you call it, The Cover That Your Motherfucking Not Right Ass Won’t Stop Hitting My Eyes With) as an excuse to Instagram a selfie of her nalgas. Chelsea continued to fight for her right to show her nakedness on Instagram and posted a picture of the ass that Jennifer Aniston does tequila shots off of when they’re partying in Cabo. Chelsea also let everyone know that her ass is all-natural and hasn’t been touched by a Photoshop tool or a jumbo syringe full of clear soil jelly. It truly is National Make An Ass Out Of Yourself Day.
Can you believe more than 2 ass can fit on the same screen? Guess which one’s real. Your move, instagram.
Chelsea slapped at Instagram, because when she posted a picture of her bare tits next to Putin’s bare tits, they took it down three times. Chelsea queefed up the picture of her nipples again today and asked Instagram why it’s okay for a certain fame whore to post her naked body, but it’s not okay for her to do it.
Just so I’m clear, Instagram…it’s ok to use nudity to sexualize yourself on your site, but not to make a joke? I’m just so confused.
Chelsea probably secretly wishes that Instagram will keep taking her pictures down so she can rebel against them by showing us more of her naked ass body, but I’m all for her #FREETHECRACK campaign if she gets hos whose asses I actually want to see to join the fight with her. I’m talking to you, Anderson Cooper, Prince Hot Ginge, Idris Elba, Carrot Top, ASkars and literally anybody besides Kummy Kakes and Chelsea.
Because Khloe Kartrashian is Pimp Mama Kris’ second hardest-whoring fame ho, she made sure that Kim Kartrashian’s greasy James and the Giant Peach ass didn’t inhale all of the attention last night. Right before Kim Kartrashian’s BP oil spill ass suffocated the Internet and left greasy dingles all over our screens, Khloe Kartrashian scratched her LOOK AT ME spot (“Um, isn’t that trick one big giant LOOK AT ME spot?” – you) by Instagramming a meme that is older than the pentagram that PMK tattooed on her ass lips after solidifying her pact with the devil.
After King Koopa Kardashian shat up the joke that has been told a million times before, some of her Instagram followers screamed “RACIST!” and were shocked that a low-down dirty fame fucker whose demon heart feeds on attention would actually do something for attention. Once Khlozilla started getting hit with poop bombs of hate, she deleted her post, because she knew that someone already took a screen shot of it and a thousand blog posts would be written about it. I know, I fell for those whores’ tricks again!
The Slow One’s piece Scott Isadick also farted up the meme on Instagram and added the note “And a jew.” Unlike Khlozilla, Scott hasn’t taken it down.
Never mind the fact that this meme is outdated since the KKK redefined WTF by announcing that they want black, gay, jewish and hispanic members, I’m holding onto my crucifix tight and have my vat of holy water ready, because I know Pimp Mama Kris is going to try to top both of her hos. Khloe re-told an old KKK joke and Kim hit the Internet with her oily ass cheeks, so I fully expect PMK to “leak” a sex tape of her doing her man in a plastic pool full of lube while wearing a white hood.
No wonder Beyonce’s last Instagram picture looked like it was ‘shopped with a half-broken version of Photoshop 0.07 full of dull and overused tools, because all of the Photoshop was used on this Paper Magazine cover of greasy trash coming out of a trash bag. RIP Adobe. We should’ve known you’d eventually spit out your last breath while pasting someone else’s waist on Kim Kartrashian’s extra glazed plastic ass.
Last night, thousands of people pushed away the plate of greasy, over-stuffed pork dumplings they were having for dinner and said, “Yeah no, I’m okay,” after seeing Kummy Kakes’ Photoshopped ass looking like a family of hairless warthogs oil wrestling in a trash bag. That picture of Kummy looking like a centaur Who was taken by Jean-Paul Goude who took several iconic pictures of Grace Jones back in the day.
Jean-Paul Goude also recreated his famous “champagne glass balancing on an ass” picture with Kim and it’s after the cut. Computers and fingers were broken while Photoshopping that shit.
Us Weekly says that Rizzoli Publishing, the poor unfortunate soul who drew the short straw when it came to deciding who would take one for the team and publish Selfish, recently released more information regarding Kim Kardashian’s book of drowsy porn face selfies, including a description of the book and an “About the Author”.
“About the Author” – HA! As if Pimp Mama Kris hasn’t dedicated her life to making sure we know everything about Kim from the top of her Botoxed forehead down to her Botoxed butt hole. But in the event you’re one of the lucky ones and you have no idea who Kim Kardashian is, allow Rizzoli to tell you all about the “author” of Selfish:
“A new mom to her daughter, North, and happily married to the rapper Kanye West, Kim Kardashian is on top of the world, and this collection of hand-picked images from her personal archive is a tribute to her fans who have supported her through her very highly publicized journey.”
Kanye usually gets the final say in everything Kim does, so I’m shocked that he didn’t call up Rizzoli and tell them he’d write the “About the Author” section himself. Or maybe he did!
“ABOUT THE AUTHOR – SHIT, I SHOULDN’T EVEN HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE AUTHOR! BITCH WAS ON THE COVER OF VOGUE! SHE’S THE MOST FAMOUS FASHION ICON OF ALL TIME! KIM MOTHERFUCKING KARDASHIAN! WIFE OF KANYE! MOTHER OF THAT CONFUSED-LOOKING BABY THAT I NAMED AFTER A DIRECTION!”
Here’s more of the future Margaret Atwood (may god strike me down for ever writing such blasphemy) having lunch with her kurrent husband Kanye this afternoon in New York, as well as looking like a slutty attorney last night.