Category: Kim Kardashian

Kim Kartrashian Expects North West To “Work” Like She Did

October 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Kim Kartrashian was born with a silver spoon in her mouth and decades later that silver spoon was replaced with Ray-J’s boomerang peen, which made her family of fame whores even richer and worldwide famous. But the human fart bubble of potent delusion tells the London Evening Standard’s ES Magazine that her parents didn’t hand her anything (except for keys to the luxury car they bought her, cell phones, credit cards with no limits and the contract with Lucifer that PMK made her sign) and she had to work for all the luxuries she has and she expects North West to do the same thing. “The hell do you call this, heffa? A hobby?” is what North West is thinking to herself as wardrobe stylists dress her in a suede onesie, Converse kitten heels and a zebra skin bolero to shoot scenes for Krapping Up the Kartrashians.

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Here’s What It Kosts To Have Kim Kardashian Promote Your Product

October 20, 2014 / Posted by:

I know what you’re thinking: “But Allison, we already know what it kosts: your soul, as well as any remaining sense of shame or dignity.” And while that’s true, it will also cost you actual money. That hooker don’t work for free! But thanks to Radar, we now we know just how much it will actually cost you to hire Kim Kardashian (seen above looking like a spooky partially-melting haunted Real Doll) to endorse whatever cheap piece of trash you’re trying to sell.

Radar managed to obtain several emails sent between a rep for the drowsy-faced prostitroll and the owner of a firm interested in hiring her to endorse a product. According to the emails, Kim’s minimum rate is between $750,000 and $1 million. That may seem high for an escort, but just remember – Pimp Mama Kris didn’t become the world’s richest shameless pimp by discounting the merchandise. The rep also offered their Low-Budget Kim option, Kendall Jenner, for $500,000. And for $100 and a gift card to Taco Bell, they could have Rob.

The emails also state that Kim demands extras on top of that $1 million, including: 5 first class tickets plus one coach ticket, first class hotel accommodations, including one suite for Kim and standard rooms for everyone else in her party, first class executive ground transportation, a greeter at the airport, security, daily rate for her hair and makeup team, and a per diem. Her rep also demanded they have final approval over photographers, photos, glam squad, hotel, airline. Meanwhile, cut to Baby North sitting in the filthy ball pit of a drop-in daycare hoping Mommy also hires someone to remind her to come get her before they head back to the airport.

It’s crazy how many times that classless trick asks for “first class” this and “first class” that. Calm down, hooker, you can stay in a Hilton every once in a while. And in case you were wondering who in Kim’s entourage gets that coach ticket, it’s for Satan. He may be the almighty lord of the underworld, but he’s still a pretty down to Earth dude.

And here’s Hooker Billy Mays herself taking a break from all that product shilling to film Keeping Up With The Kartrashians last week wearing what appears to be an XXXL pair of three-legged yoga pants:

Pics: Splash

Mother Of The Decade Kim Kardashian Denies Forgetting Her Baby In A Hotel

October 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Last night, a YouTube clip of pimp-mom-in-training Kim Kartrashian walking to a van in Paris without North West made the rounds and some think she forgot her kid in her hotel. In the clip, Kummy Cakes, who looks like a rotting cranberry cream cheese log that was nibbled on by worms, does the pap walk to her van, stops for a second and makes a checklist in her head. “10 Louis Vuitton suitcases full of Spanx? CHECK! A trunk with my back-up silicone ass in it? CHECK! Kanye’s breast chafing cream? CHECK! Hmmm, what else? What else? Um, whatshername? SHIT!” Kim strolls back into the hotel and gets North West who was obviously hiding under a sofa while wishing that the weird plastic lady would forget her so she can grow up in that hotel and be raised by mice.

So some think Kim almost drove off to the airport without North. But the fame whore doth protest. Kim queefed up a denial on Twitter after she heard the BREAKING NEWS STORY on the radio (read: She watched the video 25 seconds after it was posted on YouTube while North West tried to escape from Pimp Mama Kris’ lair through Khloe’s doggy door):

Heard on the radio today some story I forgot my daughter at our hotel as I’m leaving for the airport. Are you kidding me?!?!?! LOL I went to the car to make sure the car seat was in because the day before we had a car seat issue. Do u guys really think a 1year old would be inside the lobby by herself!Oh wait she was waiting to check out lol

Some bitches are so ridiculous. Like Kim would really forget her baby. Kim would never forget her must-have fashion accessory of the season! Kim was just doing what she learned from the fame whore master. She did one solo pap stroll before doing another stroll with her living, breathing fashion accessory. Pimp Mama Kris taught her well. But I’m sure she’ll forget North in a hotel next season when babies are out as fashion accessories and albino parrots are in.

“Are You There God? It’s Me, North West. Please Rescue Me From These Pieces Of Trash!”

September 28, 2014 / Posted by:

As a look of pride covered Pimp Mama Kris’ face and she thought to herself, “Awww, my little whore is a pimp like me now,” junior pimp Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West dragged their baby North West to another fashion show in Paris for the second time in 4 days. Pimp Mama Kim dressed up her newest fashion accessory in a black sheer Givenchy shirt and made that poor child sit front row with her and Kanye at Riccardo Tisci’s show for Givenchy today.  I know North is always making the same pained face you make when we crap up another Kardashian post on Dlisted, but she really looks like she’d rather be doing ANYTHING else besides sitting on the lap of the strange lady who pays her nanny while at some dumb fashion show. (Examples of things North would rather be doing: warthog hunting with Tia Khloezilla, watching the drool on the corner of Auntie Kourtney’s mouth dry and trying on new shades of lip gloss at the MAC counter with Pepaw Bruce. North West would rather be watching an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians than be at that show. That’s how much she doesn’t want to be at that show.)

While Kim was done up like the corpse of a bottom-level gothic hooker, she gave her full attention to her true love, the cameras, as North screamed, “ayúdame,” with her face. Kanye didn’t even try to soothe North West’s nerves, because if he picked her up, she might barf on him and baby barf didn’t go with his outfit. Kanye was not going to let baby barf jack up his sexy.

And behind Kim in that picture above, Riccardo is totally using his finger to spell out the note, “Your titties look extra scrumptious tonight, boo,” on Kanye’s palm.

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com

Kim And Kanye Kardashian Got Booed By Photographers At The Lanvin Show For Showing Up Late

September 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Oh lord. These two boobs again (and I’m not talking about the ones who made North West). Kalm down with the tits, Kim! You don’t have to keep reminding us that you used to be a porn star. WE KNOW.

So it sounds like Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s trip to Paris has been nothing but a goddamn mess. First Kim gets ambushed by that obnoxious crotch-hugging red carpet menace at the Balmain show. Then Kim and Kanye both show up to the Lanvin show with their sloppy tits hanging out (I want to make a Bosom Buddies joke, but Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari don’t deserve to be dragged into trash town with these two). And now a video has surfaced of Kim and Kanye getting booed after they arrived at the Lanvin show. According to Page Six, Kim and her kurrent husband showed up when they felt like it and delayed the show by 40 minutes. So when the Cheap n’ Tacky Twins finally arrived, they were greeted by a bunch of photographers booing them. At least I think they’re booing them; they might also be saying “Boooooooobs“, since that’s the first thing you see when the Narcoleptic Hooker Queen walks towards you.

Kanye confronting the boo’ers looks like my pajama-wearing 58-year-old neighbor during a stand-off with two garbage men last week at 7am after he accused them of being “too rough” with the cans.

And now TMZ is saying that Kim and Kanye’s karefree Parisian vacation is OVER. Ever since Kim got tackled at Balmain, they’ve started traveling in armored cars with armed guards, because they claim Paris is full of crazy fans and crazy paps. DUH! Of course they’re crazy! Anyone who gets legitimately excited to see those two losers is mentally insane.

Who Would You Rather Motorboat?

September 25, 2014 / Posted by:

I know. That has to be the meanest question I’ve ever asked you. It’s like asking you if you’d rather get a blow job from a Vitamix or an anal pap smear from a hawk. But go with Kanye. Sure, you’d get a mouthful of hair, but if you motorboated Kim, you’d scratch your tongue on her chichi stubble as soon as the clock struck 5 o’clock.

Kim Kartrashian was nearly trampled to death before the Balmain show in Paris today when that Ukrainian attention whore who tried to give Brad Pitt a dry blow job rammed into her. TMZ has the video and it’s worth a watch, because it looks like Pimp Mama Kris is kicking that Ukrainian bitch for screwing with her money and you can almost hear Kanye screaming, “You’re on your own, bitch. This face is too pretty to meet the concrete,” as he runs away. After they lived through that ordeal, which they probably staged themselves, they went back to their hotel and shoved their titties into some more HIGH FASHION for the Lanvin show.

While sitting in the front row, Kim and Kanye served up some his-and-hers tit action. I really want to say that Kanye’s cleavage outdid Kim’s, but I can’t. Kanye’s meaty man tit looks depressed, sad and tired. It looks like me when I listen to one of his rants. I don’t really blame it. Being that close to Kim would put anything to sleep. But he’s getting his picture taken. His tits should be looking their best. He should’ve whispered, “Riccardo,” at them, so they’d perk up and sit up real nice in that shawl blouse thing. Or he should’ve worn a leather jogging bra, so in six years when every motherfucker is wearing a leather jogging bra, he can say he worked it first.

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com

North West Sat Front Row At The Balenciaga Show, Seemed Really Into It

September 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Pimp Mama Kim and Kanye West continued to show everyone that they’re not going to push their baby out into the spotlight by pushing their baby out into the spotlight at the Balenciaga show in Paris today. How do you say “CALL CPS!” in French? Those evil bitches. Kimye rips North West from the family of nannies she loves the most and they dress her up like a doll and parade her around like a fashion accessory at a loud ass fashion show. How dreadful. North should’ve started crying during the show. If she did, Kuntye would’ve told her that no spawn of his cries during ~FASHUN~ and he would’ve immediately disowned her. She would’ve been FREE!

But seriously, a slobbery, non-potty-trained baby doesn’t belong at a fashion show. I’m talking about Kanye. I’m sure North West was really enthralled by all the crap going down the runway. When asked what she thought of the collection, she took a dump in her pony hair-lined black leather Balenciaga diaper. Or maybe she took that dump after she was asked what she thought of her daddy’s stupid, busted Chevron logo hair.

And while looking at these pictures on her red diamond iWatch 2 as she lounges on the beach of her private island in the Seychelles, Blue Ivy Carter cackles away. BIC already wore toddler versions of all the looks at Balenciaga’s show today and as she looks up at the sky, she sees her gold drone delivering boxes full of toddler versions of Balenciaga’s NEXT collection. Going to fashion shows… How provincial!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

The Fappening Is Still Happening

September 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Insert ClayAikenMakingAJudgyYouGotWhatYouDeserveFace.jpeg here.

TMZ says that early this morning, hacked naked cell phone pictures of Kim Kartrashian ended up on 4Chan and Reddit. It’s surprising that we were all able to get onto the Internet this morning. You’d think that naked pictures of Kim Kardashian would’ve crashed all the servers and turned the Internet into a pile of rubble, because all of us definitely have never seen every single damn inch of her naked ass body.

TMZ says that also this morning, private naked pictures of Vanessa Hudgens (whose been to the hacked naked picture rodeo before) and Hope Solo ended up on 4Chan. Uproxx and The Daily Beast says that the new round of victims also includes Aubrey Plaza, Hayden Panettiere, Mary-Kate Olsen, Lake Bell, Avril Lavigne, Kaley Cuoco and Leelee Sobieski. There’s apparently also more pictures of Jennifer Lawrence. Reddit immediately shut down the new thread and since 4Chan has a new copyright infringement policy, they also deleted the pics.

So I guess this means that the FBI hasn’t caught the hacker(s) yet. If the FBI wants to find the bitch who leaked Kim Kartarshian’s pictures (Why do I feel like I’m always typing the words “leaked” and “Kim Kartrashian” in the same sentence?), all they have to do is follow the scent of self-tanner fumes, burnt nutsacks, Sasquatch saliva, desperation and Lucifer’s ass juices and it’ll lead them straight to Pimp Mama Kris’ Hidden Hills lair. Who knew that PMK was a b/tard? But PMK is truly slipping. If she wanted to create a real scandal, she should’ve leaked pictures of Kim doing shocking things like changing her own baby’s diaper or finishing the Highlights Magazine crossword puzzle.

Here’s Kim wearing some kind of tube top sausage casing skirt in a studio parking lot a couple of days ago.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

And Just Like That, Millions Of Christians Decide To Convert To Atheism

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

After Kanye West told a fan in a wheelchair to stand up at one of his shows in Sydney, he should’ve just said, “Sowwy. *Kanye shrug*,” and moved onto his next act of buffoonery. But Kanye West wouldn’t be Kanye West if he didn’t use a situation to nail himself to the cross and mouth shit out a long-winded stream of cold farts about how the media keeps painting him, an egotistical ass, as an egotistical ass. During his last show in Sydney last night, Kanye queefed up another WOE IS ME rant where he said that the media has the wrong target and he’s a married Christian man. Sorry, Christians, but Kanye belongs to you now and you can’t give him back. No refunds or exchanges! “Well, we had a good run. RIP Christianity 1-2014″ - Paul, Jesus or whoever the founder and president of Christianity is (was)

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Kim Kardashian Was Presented With The Wrong Award At The British GQ Awards Last Night

September 3, 2014 / Posted by:

I know what you’re thinking: “Of course she was presented with the wrong award! The only award that should be given to Kim Kardashian is the Drowsiest Performance in an Amateur Porno at the AVN Awards”. And while I totally agree with you (except maybe for the word “amateur”, because we all know Kim is a pro when it comes to taking a dick) sadly that wasn’t the situation last night at the British GQ Awards.

Kanye West’s cheap knock-off My Size Barbie was honored with the title of “Woman of the Year” at the GQ Men of the Year Awards last night, because I guess if Pimp Mama Kris and Satan back a dump truck full of cash into your driveway, you’ll pretty much give that hooker whatever award she wants. Kim trotted up on stage to collect her award looking like a skanky trick-turning mermaid stripper caught in a tuna net, thanked PMK and Satan and the scientist who invented Botox for making her look as slow as she actually is and the wonderful living breathing photo op that fell out of her rode-hard-put-away-never pussy. But according to The Daily Mail, it wasn’t until she zombie shuffled backstage that she realized she had been given the wrong award. As it turns out, Kim was presented with Pharrell Williams’ award for “Solo Artist of the Year”. Kim probably klued in when she saw the word solo: “This can’t be right – I’m famous for a classic male-on-female, not a solo performance. This must be meant for someone else.”

Which means that at some point last night, there was a very confused Pharrell holding a “Woman of the Year” award and thinking “How many times do I have to tell these people? I’m not Poussey from OINTB!”

And since we already know what Kim wore (trash, she wore trash) here’s everyone else who went to the GQ Men of the Year Awards in London last night, including Benedict Otterface, Cara Delevingne, Daisy Lowe’s tits, Pippa Middleton because WHY?!?, and Jessie J who, like always, was a vision of low-budget escort glamour (yes even more than Kim Kardashian).

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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