[INTERNALLY SCREAMING] – Kanye West in that picture
Speaking of overblown titles that don’t really mean anything, the party for Time’s annual 100 Most Influential of 2015 list happened in NYC last night. Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian were there, because in addition to being on Summer’s Eve Most Influential list and Botox’s Most Influential list, they were also on the Time 100. While Kuntye and Kummy Kakes posed for photographers, Amy Schumer, whose face is all over the Internet right now, decided to screw with their ho stroll game a bit by throwing herself on the carpet in front of them. At first Kanye probably though it was just another one of his disciples worshiping at the godly feet of Yeezus. But his ego nearly throbbed to the point of exploding when he realized it was just that All About That Bass chick stealing the spotlight from him. If you looked inside of Kanye’s head in that picture, you’d probably see the rose garden scene from Mommie Dearest. Bitch is ready to chop down a tree over this shit.
He probably got off the red carpet and started fisting the air and firing people over someone snatching away his STUNT QUEEN tiara right in front of him.
Amy told Time that she did it, because why the hell not:
“I saw them and said to my publicist: ‘Can I pretend to fall?’ and she said, ‘I can’t stop you,”
Kim didn’t really seem to mind. She even cracked the Botox mask she calls a face by smiling a little. Kim smiled because she thought Amy was playing a fun game of charades and she knew the answer. Seeing Amy with dead eyes and on all fours made Kim think to herself, “I know, I know! The answer is, ‘How I got famous!’”
And here’s more of the Time 100 wearing boring outfits at last night’s gala thing.
I’m sure Kanye West looked at these two covers and thought: “I’m sorry, why is American Hustle’s head bigger than mine? I was told my head would take up at least 89% of the cover, and I see it has not. You’re still able to see the word TIME. This is bullshit. Kim, get Stefan Sagmeister on the phone, I wanna design a new cover.”
After Beyonce made TIME’s list of 100 Most Influential Hos last year, I assumed they were going to retire the title most influential and replace it with until Beyonce makes it back on the list, these people are ok too, I guess, as per the expressed wishes of her majesty Beyonce. But then I saw a couple copies of this year’s TIME 100 in the waiting room of my Brazilian plastic surgeon (real truth: I was at the Swift Suck Lipo Depot in Tampa) and it appears they’re still going with the most influential thing. Although if we’re talking about Kanye, most influential in their own minds might be more fitting. Because all the TIME 100 people are written about by other famous types, Kanye’s ass was kissed by Elon Musk, and that makes zero sense to me. What does the guy who makes electric cars have to do with the guy who turned his wife into a mindless fashion drone? Oh, they’re both into robotics. I get it now.
This year’s list of people who apparently are very influential also included Kanye’s living Hot Looks doll Kim Kardashian, Bradley Cooper, Lorne Michaels, Tay Tay Swift, wait…go back a second. Kim Kardashian? As in drowsy monotone-voiced reality star Kim Kardashian? Of the 7th Circle of Hell Kardashians? Eh, she’s probably a lot more influential than we think; I’m sure “…just don’t make me look like Kim Kardashian” is the phrase most commonly uttered before 90% of cosmetic procedures, and that’s a type of influence, right? You can see the list of all 100 influential people here.
But Bradley Cooper is an odd choice too. How could TIME pick him over his American Sniper co-star, the fake baby?!? That fake baby had more influence on me than any other famous type last year, and that includes real babies too. Everything I needed to learn about life I learned from fake baby. For instance, when in doubt, keep quiet and make it look like you’re sleeping. That’s true inspiration. Fake baby was robbed!
Kim Kartrashian Cut Her Self-Promotion Tour Through Armenia Short To Baptize North West In Jerusalem
Alternate title: North West Baptized In The Middle East
Kim Kartrashian, Khlozilla, Kanye West, North West and E!’s camera crew were supposed to stay in Armenia for 8 days, but I guess they got all the footage they needed and if they need to do reshoots they can always build an exact replica of the Armenian Genocide Memorialin a studio in the San Fernando Valley somewhere. So after Kummy Kakes got her bleached b-hole sucked by the Prime Minster and made sure everyone could see her at the Armenian Genocide Memorial and greeted the people like she’s the fucking Princess Diana of Armenia, she cut her visit short by 3 days to take her goodwhore ambassador tour to Israel. Just when you think that Israel has been through it all, the Kartrashians visit it.
E! News says that Kim, Kanye, Khlozilla and North West all left Armenia early this morning and took a private plane to Jerusalem to baptize the Kardashian family’s newest little money maker. North West’s baptism was an intimate, low-key event and what I mean by that is that they were mobbed by the paparazzi Kim called and E!’s camera crew shot the whole thing for an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. North West’s baptism happened at the St. James. Cathedral in the Armenian Quarter of the Old City in Jerusalem. Kim must have gotten a look-alike to go into the church with North West, because I haven’t read any reports about how the church burst into flames and collapsed as soon as she walked in.
Since Anna Wintour and Beyonce probably said “no thank you” to being North West’s godmother, Khlozilla did the honors. North isn’t going to have a godfather so the priest played that role during the ceremony.
North West’s baptism was just one, great big stunt for Kim’s reality shit show, but it’s still a good thing for North West. Because now that she’s been dipped in the holy water of the holy hand, Pimp Mama Kris can never hold her. The next time PMK tries to hold North West, that baby’s blessed skin will burn off the demon leather on PMK’s claws and the only way she’ll be able to stop the burning is to dip her hands in the blood of a sacrificed goat. It’s just not worth it. So YAY for North West for that.
And before Kanye left Armenia, he did a free concert in Yerevan where he baptized himself as an attention whore by jumping into Swan Lake:
You’d think that as a Gay Fish, he’d be a lot more graceful in the water.
Here’s more of Kim and Khlozilla being treated like damn royalty in Armenia:
If you live in the southern California area and have noticed a sudden surplus of injectable face fillers, this would be why. Kim Kardashian, her current husband Kanye West, the baby thing that she sometimes hangs out with North West, and their bodyguard Khloe Kardashian have landed in Armenia. Dear Armenia: on behalf of humanity, I am truly, truly sorry.
TMZ says Kim took the trip because she wanted to get in touch with her Armenian roots. “Uh…yeah…me too” thought Khloe, as she nervously shifted her eyes from side to side. I guess Kim figured it was time to reconnect with her father’s culture since she’s spent so much time fully embracing her mother’s (being a hard-core fame-whore is considered a culture, right?). And I’m assuming she brought North so that her daughter wouldn’t grow up thinking her mother’s heritage was Silicone-American.
Speaking of heritage, Kanye West must not want to identify as a pap-swatting hater anymore, because he finally settled that lawsuit that was filed against him by that pap he whooped outside LAX in 2013. Even weirder, he publicly apologized to the pap and shook his hand WHILE SMILING. And we all know Kanye never smiles, so I don’t know what’s up with that. My guess is Pimp Mama Kris pulled some kind of Invasion of the Body Snatchers shit on him. PMK is half pod person, right?
And while Kim and the krew are in Armenia, TMZ says they’ll visit the Armenian Genocide monument, museums (LOL – more like the museum bathroom to take porn face selfies in the mirror), visit the town where Robert Kardashian’s family is from. And hopefully while they’re doing all that, America finds a way to prevent them from re-entering the country. “Sorry Armenia, they’re your problem now! XO Uncle Sam.”
Here’s Kim, Kanye, Khloe, and an over-it North West flying out of LAX yesterday:
People attending Easter Sunday service at West Hills Church in the San Fernando Valley were forced to watch the Fame Whorey of Easter pageant when the Dark Mistress of the Ninth Circle Pimp Mama Kris and her pack of moneymakers strolled on through while looking like the blind members of a cult who were dressed by hos who hate them.
When PMK let the paparazzi know the exact time that they’d be doing the ho stroll to church, the paps should’ve made sure that they had a mob of strict Catholic abuelitas waiting for them. Because those abuelitas would’ve had the time of their lives slapping down those Godless heathens with chanclas for bringing exposed belly button, teenage kamel toe and pure trashiness to church! Kanye West may have thought that his holey t-shirt is appropriate for that holy occasion, but Jesus does not like puns.
While Bruce Jenner, Rob Kartrashian and Scott Disick were at home breathing out several sighs of relief over not being a part of this ridiculous unholy Easter stunt, PMK, her boy toy, the KKKs, the Jenner girls, Tyga, Kanye West and a bunch of kids did a little staged photo-op in the parking lot of West Hills Church (not to be confused with that fake church PMK supposedly uses to dodge taxes). The truth is, I don’t know why anyone is clutching their rosaries over their outfits. First of all, it’s the Kartrashians. Do you expect anything less? Second of all, it’s just church! It’s not a sacred place like In-N-Out where you should always show up in your finest outfit. Third of all, I doubt they even stayed for the service.
After they did their photo-op, they got to the front door of the church and PMK jumped into the arms of her fabulous pucker-inducing boy toy. PMK will burst into flames if her hooves touch the floor of a holy place, so her boy toy carried her through the church to the backdoor. Once they left the church through the backdoor, they walked to a dumpster where a hidden elevator took them down to the basement. While in the basement, PMK did her annual virgin sacrifice to her maker Lucifer as everybody else took selfies. After the sacrifice, they took the elevator back up and left the church through the front door as though they attended Easter Sunday service.
And North West’s look of shame says everything that needs to be said.
Feel free to make a “giant feet” joke here. During a recent interview with Yahoo! Style, legendary summer-eyed tramp and current aspiring iTunes jockey Paris Hilton was asked about her former assistant and current filler enthusiast Kim Kardashian, specifically if she feels in any way responsible for unleashing Kim and her horrible family upon humanity. Ok, technically the question was if she thought her career paved the way for Kim’s and what she thought about the idea that the Kardashians would not exist if it weren’t for Paris Hilton. But let’s be honest – that’s just the churched up version of what I said.
Rather than listening to her conscience, which was no doubt screaming “YOU OWE THE WORLD AN APOLOGY!” into her ear, Paris answered:
“We’ve known each other since we were little girls. We’ve always been friends. It’s nice to inspire people. So yeah, I’m really proud of her and what she’s done.”
I don’t know if Paris Hilton’s single working brain cell is smart enough to know how to throw shade, but something about that “It’s nice to inspire people” line made me put away my SPF and grab a sweater. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but that sounded like Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery‘s cuntier sister.
Paris also said some shit about her future baby (literally every one of her ovums just started trembling with fear that they might be chosen for the real life Hunger Games that is growing into a baby that would have to call Paris Hilton “Mom”) and that she wants to name it London, regardless of whether it’s a boy or a girl. First Lindsay Lohan, now this? Poor London. What did London ever do to deserve being associated with such trash?
Speaking of Paris Hilton’s former fame whore apprentice, here’s Kim taking her kid to the movies last week. I love that every time we see North West, it looks like she’s scanning the area for an escape route. “Eh, none this time. Rats.”
WARNING #1: If Sunday is the day you take a whorebbatical and try not to ingest anything fame whore-related, then keep it moving, because this is a Kartrashian post.
WARNING #2: If you haven’t read or seen Gone Girl and you don’t want to be spoiled, take your eyes somewhere else. You know, I shouldn’t have even left that warning, because sometimes nothing makes the tips of my nipples heat up like reading a hate mail from a mad bitch who condemns me to an afterlife as an ingrown hair on Lucifer’s dick shaft for spoiling some TV show or movie.
So, as Scott Disick makes plans to leave rehab in Costa Rica 14 days early because he’s already shot all the scenes needed for the very special “drying out” episode of Krapping on the Kartrashians, a fellow member of The We’ve Been Ruined By The Kartrashians Club pissed all over Kim Kartrashian and not in the way that she likes. Rob Kardashian (or as Pimp Mama Kris calls him “Who?”) unfollowed his entire family on Instagram today and threw up that picture of a blood-covered Amy from Gone Girl with this little note. What a close and loving family:
This is my sister kim , the bitch from Gone Girl,,,
Let’s see, one is a psychotic, scheming, dead-hearted manipulative bitch minion from HELL who only cares about herself and the other is Amy from Gone Girl.
Rob could be joking or PMK could’ve hacked into his account because she’s trying to make her STUNT quota for the week. Whatever the case may be, I don’t really get the comparison. If Amy was covered in yellow liquids in that picture, then I’d get it. Sure, they’re both crazy and heartless, but Kim makes Amy likable by comparison and Amy has something that Kim doesn’t have: a working brain. Kim’s brain stopped working when she made her in-house plastic surgeon Botox the wrinkles out. A wrinkly brain is just gross!
Knowing this mess of a family, that Instagram post is probably a paid sponsored ad to promote Gone Girl on DVD.
And here’s The Slow One and Khlozilla hosting different parties in Las Vegas yesterday.
During Kanye West’s lecture series on egotistical tricks with chronic narcissistic personality disorder at Oxford University last week (working title: Kanye’s Thoughts), Kanye claimed that he has a super-special friendship with President Barack Obama by saying “Obama calls the home phone, by the way.” However, during an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Thursday night, President Obama sort of pulled a Mimi-style I don’t know him by saying that he’s only met Kanye twice and he doesn’t think he has his home phone number, thus confirming that Kanye is still a giant ball of delusional crazy and all is right with the world.
UPDATE: Shirley said on Facebook that she wasn’t talking about Kanye West, but was talking about some non-famous “industry insider.” So Shirley decided to blast some no namer on Facebook and not name names while doing so. Shirley IS your passive-aggressive cousin.
Kanye West doesn’t know what that smashed paper bag lunch, wood and Lucite trophy is for, but he still wishes he could take a time machine back to that moment and snatch that award out of Shirley Manson’s hands so that he can give it to a true artist like Beyonce.
Last month, the Internet stood and slow clapped for Shirley Manson after she tore a new one into Kanye West (Calm down and pull your chonies back up, Riccardo Tisci, I didn’t mean that literally) for spitting out some nonsensical shit about artistry and for saying that the Best Album of the Year Grammy should’ve went to Beyonce instead of Beck. Well, I guess Kanye clapped back at Shirley in an email he sent to her privately, because she has Crisco’d up her face, put on all her rings and dragged him again on Facebook. Shirley could’ve responded to the private email with a private email, but that wouldn’t be fun and she wouldn’t get any attention from it. So she wrote this mystery trick an open letter on Facebook.
But wait, I thought Madonna thinks that she’s the black Madonna, which is why she thinks it’s cool to throw around “#disnigga.”
While sitting on a chaise covered with the skin of Giorgio Armani, Madge talked to the NYDN to pimp out Rebel Heart. Madge talked about showing her seasoned ass cheeks at the Grammys and said that she works really hard for that ass and that she’ll show her ass if she wants to. She likes to kick, stretch, kick and show her ass. She’s FIFTY…six. Madge also let Lady CaCa, RiRi and those other pop hos know that they’re not next in line for the Queen of Pop crown. That crown is going to go to Kanye West, because Madge thinks he’s the black Madonna. I know it’s Sunday and you’re probably all out of energy and cannot bust out another eye roll, but this little dingle may force you to do the eyeball roll just one more time.
“Kanye is the new Madonna,” she tells the Daily News. “Kanye is the black Madonna.”
Madonna says she and Kanye have talked about their shared flair for pushing people’s buttons. “We know, and recognize, that we have that in common,” she says. “We’re comrades in the envelope-pushing genre.”
Never mind that the only button Madge has been pushing lately is the one marked “eye roll inducer,” she’s kind of right about Kanye and her being cut from the same cloth. I mean, both of them live in an out-of-touch fart bubble of delusion and their heads are currently taking up permanent residency up their asses. So yeah, they’re kind of the same. But Kanye isn’t going to like being called the black Madonna. To Kanye, Kanye isn’t the black Madonna. Madonna is the white Kanye, just like Jesus is the Jewish Kanye and the Sun is the star Kanye and the moon is the satellite Kanye and God is the cloud Kanye!!
And here’s the black Madonna with his dress-up Real Doll (and my daily dose of HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHA) in Paris yesterday.
Pics: Splash, Getty