Kim Kardashian has a lot on her plate at the moment. She’s got two kids to text the nannies about, a new puppy that will eventually be dumped onto somebody else, a makeup line that she has already been accused of getting into blackface for. Kim is reportedly looking to get even busier by having a third kid with Kanye West, and TMZ says that they’ve already hired the surrogate who will carry it. This new baby news is coming a few days after the news broke that Beyonce gave birth to her second and third kids, which is much longer than the last time she tried to yank the spotlight away. I’m surprised that Kim was able to exercise such fame whore restraint.
Kim Kardashian West’s ass-tronomical booty is an entity all its own. Of course we all know it’s faker than a $9 bill. But still, her butt has become her calling card. Unfortunately after years of filling it with all kinds of chemicals, that shit is starting to look like a drunken third graders science project. So Kim is taking measures to make sure her poop chute remains among the elite of hot messes, and her husband Kanye West is 100% on board with Kim’s reconstruction plans.
Donatella Versace may be my pick for best dressed mess at last night’s Meth Gala and that’s only because sources (that only exist in my head) tell me that she trolled the shit out of the KarJenners.
Because Anna Wintour will invite any ole’ trick with 10 million Instagram followers or more to the Met Gala, Kylie Jenner went again and looked like the low-tide baby of Draco Malfoy and Travis The Singing Trout who got caught in a barf-colored fishermen’s net. Donatella Versace is partly responsible for that busted look since she designed the dress, but that’s not the trolling I’m talking about. I’m talking about Donatella posing next to Kim Kartrashian’s fame whore apparent while looking like a really glamorous piss stream.
The original Kim Kartrashian was there last night, so I’m surprised that her packing peanuts-stuffed ass didn’t act on instinct and immediately rub themselves against Donatella’s golden showers gown. My only complaint about Donatella’s stunning sopissticated look is that she didn’t finish it off with a boomerang fascinator on her head. Then she’d really look like piss coming out of Ray-J’s boomerang dick. Next time, Donatella. Next time!
Because Kim Kardashian wants to stay Kris’ favorite daughter, Kim saved talking about the traumatic details of her Paris apartment robbery for Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Unfortunately, many people seemed to be busy on the night of Kim’s Very Special Episode. So she packed up her saddest face and hit up every publicist’s favorite daytime talk show, Ellen, and talked some more about being robbed at gunpoint.
Somewhere, a sad trumpet is playing Taps for waist trainers, for it seems they’re no longer the favorite excuse for how a Kardashian’s body suddenly looks different. Now it’s the flu. The illness that takes your ass halfway into the afterlife with vomiting, chills, cold sweats, hallucinations, and diarrhea is apparently Kim Kardashian’s new weight loss plan. And as you already know, a whole lot of people recently dragged her for admitting so.
Last night, Kim went to dinner in Los Angeles looking like a human tapeworm.
Kim Kardashian West last night pic.twitter.com/pTIiwcKFO4
— KKW (@KimKLegion) April 19, 2017
UsWeekly says Kim explained why her body looked a tad smaller by tweeting that she had lost 6lbs thanks to the flu.
“The flu can be an amazing diet. So happy it came in time for the Met lol #6lbsdown”
The two brain cells shuffling around in Kim’s cranium must have been busy trying to help her decide which shade of beige looks best wrapped around her butt, because they clearly weren’t there to whisper “Um, people might not lol at referring to the flu an amazing diet.” Some people on Twitter dragged Kim for glamorizing an illness and questioned whether she would say the same thing to her daughter if she got sick with the flu. Kim eventually deleted the tweet.
Personally, I think Kim deleted the tweet after Kris Jenner caught wind of Kim giving away diet tips for free. “Kim, you should know better! If you’re going to promote an unhealthy way to lose weight, at least try to register it as a trademark. The Flu™ could have been a bigger Instagram scam than Flat Tummy Tea!”
If they really wanted to go crazy with their levels of security, they’d post that picture of Pimp Mama Kris at their front door. PMK’s gaze in that picture can turn almost anything to stone!
When Kim Kardashian returned to the U.S. after getting robbed at gunpoint in Paris, she had an army of security guards following her. Pimp Mama Kris tells UsWeekly that they’ve upped their security even more, and I guess that means that Kendall Jenner is keeping her opulent jewels in a place that’s more secure than a jewelry box, like in a pair of Rob Kartrashian-designed socks or under a pile of Tyga CDs. You know, places where no one wants to go.