Many of us dry barfed for days when a song from Tyga called “Pleazer” was spat up onto the Internet and we listened to him bragging about doing statutory rape shit and rapping about drinking vagina juice in the morning like it’s orange juice. (Surprisingly, Tropicana hasn’t used “Pleazer” in a commercial yet.) The shell-less turtle tried to act like those poetic lyrics weren’t about his girlfriend Kylie Jenner, but his mouth is a bona fide lie machine, so nobody believed his denials. Since Tyga knows that the only time people pay attention to his music is when he raps about humping on newly legal Kylie, he did it again.
As Gawker points out, Tyga recently butt squirted out a new mixtape called Fuk What They Talkin Bout and on it is a song called $tiumlated. In that song, Tyga’s mouth dribbled out these words (Warning: These lyrics may make your genitals run up into your body):
They say she young
She should have waited
She a big girl, dawg, when she stimulated
And a little later on in the song, he brought the grossness again by dropping this dingle:
She a big girl dawg,
I’m puttin’ in,
Yeah I’m penetrating
So poetic. So pure. Tyga should use his talents to write a musical. Woody Allen can write the book for it, Roman Polanski can direct and Subway Jared can provide the catering during rehearsals. Josh Duggar already has his credit card out and is waiting to buy a ticket.
Pimp Mama Kris must be so proud and that was served without one ounce of sarcasm. I’m sure she temporarily took her mouth off of the virgin she feeds off of to text Kylie with: “Awww, my little moneymaker is inspiring great musicians. Proud of u and don’t forget to tell Tyga that I’ll take my 50% cut in cash.”
And here’s the blueprint for Kylie’s life leaving a restaurant yesterday.
In a momentous occasion (not really), Caitlyn Jenner allowed herself to be selfied with her ex Kris Jenner for the first time since her transition. Caitlyn’s step-irritant, worst-selling author Kim Kardashian, built an Instagram bridge between the two. You can almost see Pimp Mama Kris’ glistening intestine lips about to burst off her face due to the pressure-cooked jealous rage within.
Caitlyn is the epitome of grace and class (when she’s not killing people) and the gift of her photographic presence to Kris is an object lesson in generosity, or something. Because PMK has done little but try and destroy Caitlyn’s rebirth from the get-go. It didn’t work. And her ex looks more sumptuous in the mug and mop than she ever will! Eat it, hag!
Caitlyn extended her graciousness by hugging Kris goodbye after the party (see the vid below). Caitlyn went off to declare herself the new Queen of Social Media and Kris returned to the bubbling kauldron of hate she’s utilizing for a Satanic rite to voodoo Caitlyn from everyone’s collective memory.
This went down at Kylie Jenner’s first of too many 18th birthday celebrations at Nobu in Malibu yesterday. The whole klan was there. TMZ reports that Tyga bought his mature business woman/home-owner girlfriend Kylie Jenner a Mercedes-Benz SUV in cherry red. These girls must be a veritable party when they’re told “no.” (UPDATE from Michael: That custom G-wagon from Tyga was a recycled gift. It used to belong to his baby mother Blac Chyna. Awkward!)
As the top 10 Republican presidential candidates entertained a nation with some good old-fashioned foolery, this mess happened.
Variety says that Hillary Clinton hit L.A. last night and went to a fundraiser thrown by Justin Bieber’s manager Scooter Braun and that’s where she met the reigning fame whore rulers of the ho stroll Pimp Mama Kris, Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West. Scooter Braun AND Pimp Mama Kris?! Lord, if Hillary Clinton really wants to secure the fame whore vote, she should’ve went to a more respectable event like a fundraiser thrown by Phoebe Price and Bai Ling in front of Kitson.
TMZ says that people at the event were told to not take pictures of Hillary, but she made an exception for the Kuntrashians. Hillary posed for an Instagram portrait with PMK and became the meat in an attention whore sandwich when she posed for a selfie with Kummy Kakes and Kanye. The shit you gotta do for a vote:
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) August 7, 2015
Maybe Hillary posed with PMK, because it’s her way of saying that she’s got this game so locked up that she can pose with one of Satan’s mutated ass warts and still win it all.
There’s approximately 400 million pics, selfies and videos of Kim Kartrashian’s alien trout mannequin face and other parts that people can get for free on the Internet, so it’s absolutely shocking that everybody didn’t buy a stupid book filled with some of those pictures. I guess that old saying your memaw used to say, “Why buy the cow when you can see it greased up and sprawled out on the Internet for free,” applies to this story.
A rep for Nielsen Bookscan tells Radar that since May, Kim Kartrashian’s “Selfish” has sold a grand total of 32,000 copies. And all 32,000 of those copies are probably sitting in Pimp Mama Kris’ dungeon right next to all 13,000 copies of the Jenner girls’ sci-fi YA novel she bought. Kim has over 41 million Instagram followers and as Radar points out, not even 1% of them bought the book of selfies that should be re-titled “Shelved Fish.”
That represents just 0.8% of Kardashian’s Instagram fans. (*Nielsen BookScan’s U.S. Consumer Market Panel currently covers approximately 85% of the print book market and continues to grow.)
What’s more, the book is a critical flop online. Sitting at 1,607 in books, it’s ranked only 2.5 stars after 661 customer reviews. And those reviews have been scathing.
It’s a damn shame that the millions of fake followers that Kim probably bought aren’t real people with real credit cards who could’ve bought a copy of her book. There needs to be an app for that. But you know, PMK can really turn this around and sell every single copy of that book. All she has to do is re-market it as a pack of designer wee wee pads for puppies. Ray J approved! It’d become a best seller and it’d fly off of the shelves of every Petco!
Here’s Kim at LAX looking as comfortable as ever while wearing extremely wearable maternity clothes by Kanye.
Seen above looking like a Predator working the prosthetic butt that Martin Lawrence wore in Big Momma’s House, Khloe Kartrashian is on the cover of
Komplex Complex and in the interview, she brings the heave-summoning jacked-up foolery in heavy doses. Khloe defends Kylie Jenner’s relationship with PedoTyga and also tells us what it sounds like when Pimp Mama Kris fucks. If you really don’t feel like torturing your stomach and soul, skip the words that Khloe sharted up and watch this video of a bull dog trying to climb into a tiny folding chair instead. That bulldog works the “ass out, head over shoulder” pose a million times better than Khlozilla does.
While working a custom-made Ver-sayce gown and styling by Dame St. Angie Jolie’s stylist (Can’t you tell?), Caitlyn Jenner accepted the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPYs tonight as some people screamed, “(insert the name of any and every athlete here) deserves it more!!!!!” Bob Costas‘ wig probably flipped off of his head.
Caitlyn’s 5,000 children were in the audience as well as Khlozilla, Kim Kartrashian and The Slow One. Pimp Mama Kris, who wasn’t invited, watched it in her lair while saying, “Ugh, she looks so fat,” to the TV screen as her boy toy/future victim massaged the retractable devil horns on her head.
Before her speech, they played a 13-minute-long video that was narrated by Jon Hamm of all people and showed Caitlyn’s Olympic wins as well as some of her transition. During her speech, Caitlyn said that she feels it’s her responsibility to “reshape the landscape of how trans issues are viewed” and hopes her story will push people to accept each other for who we are. Caitlyn talked about the murder of 17-year-old transgender woman Mercedes Williamson in Mississippi and a 15-year-old transgender boy who committed suicide just days before her interview with Diane Sawyer aired. Caitlyn said that she can take it when people call her names and makes jokes about her ass, but the thousands of transgender kids out there who are just finding themselves shouldn’t have to deal with that shit. Below is a piece of her speech:
“So for the people out there wondering what this is all about — whether it’s about courage or controversy or publicity, well, I’ll tell you what it’s all about. It’s about what happens from here. It’s not just about one person – it’s about thousands of people. It’s not just about me — it’s about all of us, accepting one another. We’re all different — that’s not a bad thing. That’s a good thing. And while it may not be easy to get past the things you always don’t understand, I want to prove that it is absolutely possible if we only do it together.”
And in motion:
Kim would’ve squirted out a fake tear, but her ducts are all Botoxed up.
I really wished that at the end of Caitlyn’s speech she would’ve done a slow, lazy, Ambien and red wine-induced spin, because with that hair and that dress she was giving me Lana Del Rey on Saturday Night Live. Okay, a more alive Lana Del Rey.
According to Morrissey, the last nail in music’s coffin is made of the music of Sam Smith and Ed Sheeran. But according to difficult brown warrior and Miley Cyrus’ arch rival Sinead O’Connor, music pooted out its last breath as soon as Kim Kartrashian’s poop deck realness cover of Rolling Stone hit the newsstands. Sinead read music its last rites today with this little mini-rant on Facebook (via The Mirror) :
What is this cunt doing on the cover of Rolling Stone ? Music has officially died. Who knew it would be Rolling Stone that murdered it? Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh can no longer be expected to take all the blame. Bob Dylan must be fucking horrified.
2. Doesn’t Sinead mean “kunt“?
3. I read that hashtag as #BoycuntRollingStone and now I know what my new Grindr username is going to be.
4. RIP Music
Noted asshole Scott Disick has been especially asshole-y this week. After he “got caught” trying to hook-up with one of his ex-girlfriends in Monte Carlo, Kourtney Kardashian dumped him and he just shrugged his shoulders and told people he was single and ready to mingle. He followed that up by bailing on his daughter’s 3rd birthday and posting a lazy “Happy Birthday, or whatever” message on Instagram. As you can probably guess, Scott Disick isn’t exactly the most popular person at the Botox Kompound right now. And according to People, the person who is most pissed off at Scoot Douchebag is his brother-in-law, Kanye West.
A source close to Kanye claims that Kanye is “furious” at Scott, adding that he’s “maybe the most furious of everyone.” That might technically be true, since the last time I checked, Kanye was the only Kardashian who’s face muscles could still move freely and show a range of emotions. Kanye has also apparently been really vocal about Scott’s recent asshole behavior.
“He’s saying that a real man doesn’t abandon his family like Scott is doing.”
The source also claims that Kanye has offered to step up and be a “strong male figure” to Scott and Kourtney’s three kids. “Cool, when you get a chance, can you do the same for me?” thought North West. The source goes on to say that every member of the Kardashian Koven will forgive Scott for being an asshole if he comes home and does the right thing. Scott allegedly attempted to do the right thing by checking in to rehab, but he left after one hour. So yeah, they might not want to start planning that forgiveness party just yet.
If I were Kanye West, I’d be so pissed at Scott Disick too. Without Scott, Kanye has no one to help him escape from another four hour conversation that starts with “OMG I just found the best industrial-grade expandable butt foam…”
Speaking of rubber and latex, here’s Kim Kardashian celebrating Scott and Kourtney’s daughter Penelope’s 3rd birthday at Disneyland with North and their attention-thirsty grandma Kris Jenner. They really got into the Disneyland spirit too: Kourtney dressed up as Tinker Bell, while Kim’s face appears to be channeling Sleepy. I’ve also thrown in some pics of Kim and Kanye looking ~so artsy~ for System magazine.
Pics: Splash, Juergen Teller
Kim Kardashian’s objectification lecture with the Commonwealth Club of California happened last night, and if you couldn’t tell from that Rolling Stone cover above, the jist of her lecture was that she doesn’t really have a problem with objectification. We’ll get to that lecture in a second, but let’s get this Rolling Stone business out of the way first. Two thoughts on that cover:
1) Kim looks like an honorary Kaptain of a rubber dinghy called the S. S. Seamen (the first mate of which would be chum bucket Terry Richardson, who shot Kim’s kover).
2) A round of applause goes to the editors who showed an enormous level of restraint by not reversing the order of the words so that it read “Inside Kim“. Or maybe they did, but the second the first copy came out of the printer, Kris Jenner appeared through a firey hole in the floor and demanded a cut of the profits from people who bought the magazine expecting to find porn.
On to the interview. Kim really has nothing to sell or promote, so Kim just talks about Kim. And her kreator Kanye West. She also talks about her Where’s Waldo of a brother, Rob Kardashian, and manages to read his ass while doing so. Awww, what a great big sister!
Kanye West headlined the Glastonbury Festival on Saturday night, and British comedian Simon Brodkin bum-rushed the show as his “Lee Nelson” character. Instead of realizing he’s had this coming for a long time and playing along, Kanye acted like a gaping asshole. Which is not a character. He had security yank Brodkin away. He also demanded that the guy backstage who pushes the play button press pause so he could start “Black Skinhead” over again. Cut to a Scientology-approved yert in which Beck is nodding approvingly. Then cut over to Karlie Kloss’ hotel room where Taylor Swift is French-braiding Karlie’s hair and beginning every sentence with “Imma let you finish but Lee Nelson had…” before tee-hee-heeing.
“Lee Nelson” mimed that he was rapping during his brief appearance and those mere seconds were better than any performance that Kanye has ever given. There was more life, more soul, more spirit in Mr. Brodkin’s actions than in anything Kanye has ever done. Kanye realized this. Seeking validation, he later informed the crowd that they were “watching the greatest living rock star on the planet!” The definition of humble:
Glastonbury was equally problematic for Kim Kardashian West. Some resourceful youngster in the crowd made a flag depicting Kim Kardashian sucking off Ray J.
Finally! That sex tape that ruined all of our lives is useful.
Check out Kuntye and wife boarding a helicopter for the festival: