I honestly thought yesterday’s Yeezy Season 3 show would end with everyone emptying onto the floor of Madison Square Garden and pressing $100 bills into the hands of those sad-looking models while whispering “I don’t know what brought you here, but I’m sorry you had to do this. Take this – I hope this helps.” Instead, it ended with the beginning of another goddamned feud between Kanye West and Taylor Swift.
Shortly after Kanye played one of his new songs “Famous“, in which he said the words “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex. Why? I made that bitch famous.“, during his $2000 Pantyhose Ego Spectacular, Taylor’s brother Austin got it all started by angrily throwing out his Yeezy Boost sneakers on Instagram. Which was followed by members of Taylor’s friend army, like Gigi Hadid and Ruby Rose, chiming in on Twitter. Now Kanye has hopped on Twitter to let you all know that Taylor totally gave him the thumbs-up to call her a bitch and that they might hump. In fact, according to Kanye, it was all her idea.
At Madison Square Garden in NYC today, Kanye West farted up his newest collection of overpriced dumpster finds and he also played songs (one of which has a touching lyric about Taylor Swift) from his new album The Life of Pablo. I’m guessing he means Pablo Escobar since coke was definitely a co-producer on that album. Kanye held his Yeezy season 3 show at MSG, because his organizers probably knew it was the only place that’d be able to hold in his craziness, throbbing ego and all of those foam insulation-filled Kartrashian asses.
I watched mostly all 500 hours of the livestream and for the first time in my life I felt really sorry for models. They all had to stand there looking sad, hungry and constipated while wearing dusty, moth-eaten aerobics clothes that have been in the back of someone’s mother’s closet for the past 30 years. Not only did they have to stand there in condom beanies and Star Trek Lululemon shit, but they also had to listen to Kanye fuck his own ego while playing songs from his new album.
After Kanye West dragged Amber Rose’s kid into a stupid Twitter fight with Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose exposed Kanye West’s worked-over b-hole and Kanye West farted up a non-apology, the not-at-all scripted feud ended with a meeting of the fame whores at Pimp Mama Kris‘ devil chambers last night.
Early this morning, Amber Rose and Kim Kartrashian (looking like a rubber Big Mouth Billy Bass in Predator drag) both posted the same picture on Instagram and they both used the STUNT QUEEN filter, I see. They each threw up their own caption with the pic:
TMZ (Who else?) says that Kummy Kakes called up Amber Rose yesterday afternoon and asked her to meet her at Pimp Mama Kris’ lair so they could put their giant bouncy ball asses together and squash their beef for once and for all. TMZ’s source says that Amber met Kim at PMK’s Haus of Evil last night and they talked for a while (read: they read the lines PMK wrote for them in front of Keeping Up with the Kardashians’ kamera krew) and eventually put an end to their feud. They’re supposedly good now. Three things:
1. I’m surprised this storyline was so short. I was expecting Pimp Mama Kris to drag it out for at least 2 seasons.
2. Amber Rose better have made PMK pay her in cash, with a valid money order or with a plastic surgery gift certificate. Because PMK is the kind of wicked succubus who’d cancel Amber Rose’s check as soon she finished shooting.
3. I’m sure that in between filming their makeup scene for KUWTK, Kim took Amber aside and asked for some finger boning tips. I mean, Kanye’s tip doesn’t even get a little moist when Kim tries to prostate milk him, and he always lovingly looks at pictures of Amber Rose’s fingers while wiggling his butt…..
And Amber followed up her little fame whore stunt with Kim by going to newly-freed Blac Chyna’s party at a strip club.
In news that’ll probably make God’s administrative offices file a copyright infringement lawsuit against Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West, the two throbbing ego-filled pimples confirmed today that giving their kid a name that will get them as much attention as possible is more important than giving their kid a name that won’t make him cringe.
There was a rumor that Kim and Kanye were going to name their brand new son “Robert” after her dad, but ho please. The day they give their kid a normal, boring name like “Robert West” is the day that Pimp Mama Kris stops re-energizing her evil by feeding on the blood of her victims. We all figured they’d bring the foolery with their baby’s name, but I was hoping they’d go with something like “Go West” or “Wild Wild West” or the more honest “Why Me West.” But they decided to name him Saint West, which sounds like the name of the third most busiest hospital in the Seattle area. It sounds like the name of a hospital that Shonda Rhimes would write a show about.
Kim burped up the announcement with emojis, of kourse, on her site today:
Well, if you were a newborn baby and found out your parents are Kanye and Kim, your first words would probably be, “SANTO DIOS,” so I guess that name is pretty fitting. But what’s even more dreadful is that the name Saint West isn’t even original. Pete Wentz named his son Saint Laszlo Wentz last year. So Kanye basically copied a member of Fall Out Boy.
Believe it or not, but naming one of their own Saint West isn’t the most ridiculous thing the Kartrashians have done today. That achievement goes to St. West’s pimp lovey who made crucifixes turn upside down and genitals shrivel up and die with this dark-sided video of her swimming in a pool of Caitlyn Jenner and Lamar Odom’s tears for Love Magazine’s advent calendar. This is the real war on Christmas.
And I’m sure that before I even finish typing this sentence, a team of plastic surgeons will have already nipped, tucked, sucked, rotated, and filled Kim Kardashian back to her original pre-pregnancy rubber glory.
After being knocked up for what felt like six weeks (none of which could hold a candle to her museum-worthy first pregnancy), professional drowsy-faced reality TV star Kim Kardashian and her current husband Kanye West announced earlier today on her website that she’s finally given birth to her second kid, a baby boy. Somewhere in the Kardashian Khompound (let’s be honest – the nanny’s quarters), North West just let out a giant sigh of relief after realizing she no longer had to go to Pimp Mama Kris’ weekly 4-hour fame whore workshops by herself.
Kim and Kanye haven’t released anything else about their baby’s birth – like if he came out, took one look at who his parents are, and tried to crawl back in. But really, it’s the Kardashians, so it’s only a matter of time. A kamera krew was probably there to record the whole thing (Kris Jenner probably hired the original crew from Kim’s sex tape, since they already had experience with lighting her crotch) and Kim’s intern Kylie has no doubt already started Photoshopping all the wrinkles and womb goo off baby’s face for his first Instagram selfie (“I woke up like this #nomakeup #natural #kuwtk #fittea“).
Obviously, the only thing that matters is what kind of messy name nonsense Kanye wrote on the birth certificate. You’re right, it’s definitely SON OF GOD, in all-caps.
Last night, Khlozilla went on a painkiller-induced Sasquatch rampage on Twitter when she told people to get off dick after they gave her shit for staying with her boyfriend James Harden while still nursing and being married to Lamar Odom. But well, if you ask the most important woman in Hollywood and human orchid Paz De La Huerta about this, she’d tell you that little Twitter tussle should’ve never happened, because nobody should be following the Kartrashians.
On her Instagram yesterday, the greasy jewel delivered an important announcement to the world and to Kanye Kartrashian. There’s a war happening right now and we do not need to be distracted by that idiot trash Kim Kartrashian! Paz deleted her post (it still lives here), because she probably realized that in posting about Kim, she was giving Kim attention. Or she decided that she’ll save that speech for when she testifies at the anti-Kardashian hearings at the United Nations. Seriously, why aren’t Paz and Natasha from Top Model the co-leaders of the United Nations? #PazBeGandhiAndJesus.
And since no Paz post is complete without stunning pictures of her, here she is back in April looking like heaven in a trash bag.
Pics: Splash (Thanks Philip!)
Back when the Kartrashians didn’t totally look like 80 pounds of silicone and butt jelly in a 40 pound Balmain bag, Oprah interviewed them and claims she saw first-hand how much “hard work” it takes to look and be that fake. While Rebel Wilson and Uncle Tim Gunn are publicly saying that the Kartrashians are about as useless as a dildo made of sand, Oprah is guzzling down Pimp Mama Kris’ home brewed Kool-Aid (made of the tears of Kartrashian men and Lucifer’s jizz) and is defending them.
Looks like we can add another ensemble to Tim Gunn’s “Don’t Wear This” list of vulgar fashion atrocities.
The fifth annual LACMA Art+Film gala was held last night, and Kim Kardashian was there, which makes total sense, because Kim got her start in film. No, it’s because she’s a high klass lady who goes to high klass film galas. Also because Kris Jenner would go absolutely apeshit if she found out her top money maker passed up an opportunity to get dressed up in her “LOOK AT ME” finest and serve up some half-asleep FACE for the cameras.
We all know that Kim Kardashian has a severe allergy to good taste, so it’s really no surprise that she would show up to the LACMA gala in a cheap-looking Leg Avenue body stocking with her tits out. I mean, she had to do something to get some attention; she went a whole 24 hours without all eyes on her, thanks to her mother selfishly stealing the spotlight with her million-dollar
Great Mediocre Gatsby birthday party yesterday. So really, it’s more of a shock that she didn’t double-down and try to make up for lost attention by showing up totally nude while her intern (Kylie Jenner) followed closely behind, spritzing her plastic parts with Crisco.
Here’s more of Kim looking like a Living Dead Doll of a knocked-up zombie stripper at the LACMA Art+Film gala last night, as well all the other famous types who were there, like Reese Witherspoon, Goopy Paltrow, and Jared Leto, who is still working the malnourished methhead Joker look, I see.
And just like that, Tim Gunn received an invoice from Kardashian family pimp Kris Jenner with a copy of that headline and a note saying: “Just letting you know that sort of thing costs extra.”
If you woke up this morning with a little extra pep in your step, you can thank the no-fucks-giving angel of truth Tim Gunn. Once again, Tim opened his heart and released a million warm feelings during a recent interview with the Huffington Post while talking about America’s First Family of Frozen-Faced Tackiness. It all started when Tim was asked his thoughts on Kanye West’s latest collection of crappy clothing. Somewhere in Hell, Satan is already sweating the angry conference call he’s about to get from Pimp Mama Kris and her kurrent favorite son-in-law.
If you own goats and live in the Calabasas area, throw a rosary around their necks and keep them inside, because Pimp Mama Kris is going to send Khlozilla out to catch a few of them since she’ll need their blood to cast a black magic kurse on Rebel Wilson for shitting on her koven of hos.