You could watch Sarah McLachlan’s ASPCA commercial 40 times on repeat while flipping through the photo album containing pictures of your cat who ran away when you were 8, and it still won’t be as depressing as this picture of a dead-inside Kim Kardashian being given to her client of the evening by Pimp Mama Kris. “Here you are, Mr. Lugner: this is my bottom bitch, Kim. Kim likes long walks on the ho stroll and short marriages. Smile, trick! Show ‘em why you’re worth that $500,000. Half a million dollas make a Pimp Mama holla, so clickety clack, bitch, clickety clack!”
Ever since Kim arrived in Vienna as business tycoon Richard Lugner’s date to the ultra-fancy Vienna Opera Ball, its been one Botox-injected mess after another. Despite being paid $500,000 for her appearance, Kim bailed on an afternoon with her host and went to get Schnitzel with PMK instead (is ‘Schnitzel’ the street term for ‘injections’ in Austria?) to which Lugner claimed Kim was being “annoying”. Then shortly after arriving to the Opera Ball with Lugner and PMK, TMZ is saying that things got half a million times worse when Lugner started getting aggressively handsy with Kim, and encouraging her to ditch her security detail. And Pimp Mama Kris never stepped in to protect her ho by telling Lugner to respect the merchandise? Damn, that’s ice cold. Pimps everywhere just sucked their teeth at Kris for putting shame in the pimp game.
Later on, as Kim was taking pictures with Lugner (and that vile snake Kris was in the pimpmobile counting her money) a man approached Kim in blackface pretending to be Kanye West. It would have been funnier if someone had approached her dressed as a urinal cake (“We’re both made of a blend of toxic chemicals and we’re famous for letting people pee on us! Har har har”) but I guess Kanye Blackface Guy didn’t have a ton of time to prepare and just chose the most offensive thing he could put together that didn’t involve dressing up as Ray J’s dick.
Finally, Kim pulled a Half Baked and walked out carrying the remaining shred of our dignity after a guest approached her asking if she’d dance with him if the orchestra played “N****rs in Vienna”. Sadly, she had to find her own ride home because Kris had fallen asleep on a pile of blood money in the back of the pimpmobile.
Here’s more of Kim at the Vienna Opera Ball before everything turned to shit (well, a looser, smellier shit). Leave it to Kim to show up to a fancy black-tie event in a skirt that shows off her Spanx-wrapped money maker. #suchclassy
Direct your prayers to the people of Vienna, Austria today, because a plastic clown-faced famewhore and her Satan’s Seal of Approval mother are terrorizing their city as we speak. It looks like Pimp Mama Kris needed a bit of extra plastic surgery cash, because she pimped out Kash Kow Kimmy for $500,000 to 81-year-old business tycoon Richard Lugner. Every year, Richard
pays invites a high-profile whore escort prostitute guest to escort him to the Vienna Opera Ball. Past guests have included Parasite Hilton, Carmen Electra, Pamela Anderson, so you know he only chooses the classiest of skanks.
However, according to Radar, it took Richard about 0.02 seconds to realize he made a terrible investment. DUH! Everybody knows you never put your money on the piss-covered ho!
“Kim is annoying me,” Lugner told reporters. “Because she’s not sticking to the program.”
Only hours after her arrival, Lugner claimed, the reality star stood him up to go to a Schnitzel restaurant with her mom Jenner, and film scenes for her reality show.
“She’s filming and so she doesn’t want to have me around,” he said. The 81-year-old angrily insisted, “The guest should be with me and not anywhere else that is not agreed upon.”
And even when it comes to scheduled appearances, Kardashian has made it clear she won’t follow his schedule. Though Lugner had told press he would dance with her at 11:45 p.m. during the ball, Kardashian said in a press conference that she’d have mom Jenner take her place, explaining, “I’d rather watch the dancing.”
You’ll be watching, all right; watching that $500,000 cheque dance out of you bank account. What in the hell is wrong with Pimp Mama Kris?? Has she lost all control of her ho? Does Silky Johnson need to step in and teach a pimp how its done?
And I need to send somebody at Radar a deluxe muffin basket, because they are killing it with this story about Kim’s melted drowsy candle-face. Radar has pointed out that Kim’s face looks much more frozen than usual and thinks she hit up Botox-R-Us before leaving for Austria. Personally, I don’t think it’s Botox; homegirl looks she’s been injecting face with melted-down Beast Man action figures, because bitch is a hard shade of orange plastic:
Here’s more of Kim at a mall in Vienna watching negotiations between her pimp and a john. And by the way, Kim…you can put the microphone down now – you don’t need to keep reminding everyone how you became famous:
Riccardo Tisci, Givenchy’s creative director and the genius fashion troll responsible for doing Kim Kartrashian up like a Laura Ashley sausage casing, spilled out a caca river of ridiculousness that is so delusional that if any of us said it our family members would drop a giant net over our bodies and drag us off to a padded room somewhere. A few months ago, Kanye Kardashian (née West) went Defcon level 1 when he declared his plastic Just My Size dress-up doll as the Marilyn Monroe of our time. Well, there’s an echo in Fame Whore Valley, because the trick who shares a Best Friends Forever necklace with Kanye said the same thing to The Sunday Times (via E! Online). While his tongue was pressed firmly up against Kanye’s freshly waxed asshole, Riccardo Tisci managed to say this:
“I met her as the girlfriend of a good friend. I just wanted a moment with her to understand—and I fell in love. She’s the Monroe of our age. People think she’s like a doll, but actually she’s tough and clever.
It’s not so much the beauty of people, but the talent, the roots and the intelligence that concern me. I love people who are not scared to fight for their own rights and have their own point of view. The world is big: the music world is big, the art world is big and the fashion world is big, but I think you can recognize a tribe in the similarity of people.”
If Riccardo Tisci’s friends and family truly cared about him, they’ll tell him that is not something you say out loud in public. If you have to say it, it’s only something you say into Kanye’s ear while spooning on a gold-beaded mink bedspread below a mirrored ceiling. Riccardo must be suffering from stage 10 dickmatization and the only cure is to immediately stop and callate la boca.
And a Botox-filled melting wax mannequin that wears whatever fugness her fiancé tells her to wear is definitely a ho I’d describe as not being afraid to “fight for her own rights.”
Here’s Kim looking like a curdled cream puff while walking from Kanye’s apartment to the car in NYC yesterday.
As empty cans of Fix-A-Flat laid on the floor next to Kim Kartrashian, she got North West to transcribe a rant on Twitter (because we know that bitch can’t read or write) directed at all the tabloids who say she injects her fat ass with something other than man chowder and is spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on plastic surgery. The tabloids did get the second part right. She doesn’t spend thousands of dollars on plastic surgery. That bitch spends MILLION of dollars on rotating, stretching and filling her body with man-made materials. The fame whore who spends a mountain of money on “conforming” to society’s beauty standards and, as Joel McHale always put it, is only famous for having a sex tape and a fat ass shat out this shitty rant. Kanye, the bitch ain’t.
I’m seeing all these nonsense tabloids claiming I have butt implants-injections. Get a life! Using pics of me 15lbs skinnier (before I had my baby) comparing to me now! I still have weight to lose. Anyone who has had a baby knows how hard it is to lose weight(especially the last bit of weight) & your body totally changes! Making fun of me pregnant & making fun of me trying to lose weight now shame on you. I’m not perfect but I will never conform to your skinny standards sorry! Not me. And BTW I’ve lost a lot so far & I’m proud of that! Don’t give young girls a complex!
All that coming from a dumb ho who poses in staged and Photoshopped bikini photo-ops for the tabloids and runs her own stupid Instagram pictures through the Photoshop machine… Yeah okay, bitch. Lying bitch cares about the body image of young girls as much as Kanye cares about other people who aren’t named Kanye. The chemically-enhanced farts that come out of Kim’s chemically-enhanced ass fuel the Kardashian whore train and this bitch knows it. She’s just crying to get more attention, but she loves it all. Every week when the tabloids come out, she buys several copies of the ones she’s on the cover of and gets her assistants to run them through the shredder and boil them until they turn to paste. Then she injects that tabloid paste into her ass. That’s how much she loves the attention.
I’m reporting this news to you from the emergency room at Mercy General Hospital, because after learning from TMZ that Mah Boo Brucie might be leaving Keeping Up With The Koven of Kosmetically-Altered Kronies, I blew out my vocal cords screaming YAAAASSSS and suffered instant dehydration when all the water vacated my body through my tear ducts. I have literally never been happier in my life; sorry, future baby or footlong sub, but you’ll always be second-best to this:
Sources connected to both the Kardashian family and the production tell TMZ … Bruce will NOT come back for another season of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” if the network picks it up. The family is currently shooting the last installment of the series … and even if it gets renewed we’re told Bruce wants out.
Bruce now reluctantly takes part in the show … but only when it’s absolutely necessary. Whenever possible he’ll shoot his scenes in Malibu — where he now lives.
We’re told Bruce has a clear vision of his life as soon as the season ends … golfing, spending time with his kids — off camera — flying helicopters and riding motorcycles.
Of course, Pimp Mama Kris is denying that one of her minions is defecting to a life free of shamelessly sucking off Satan for fame. If she thinks we believe that bullshit, then clearly working that pole caused too much Botox to rush to her brain.
And what’s this about Bruce wanting to fly helicopters and ride motorcycles? Excuse your ignorance; clearly this source doesn’t know Bruce as well as they think they do. Once Bruce is officially free from those evil hags, his days will be spent turning down marriage proposals from Saudi princes, holding hourly fashion shows by the pool, brushing his hair 1,000,000 strokes (only chumps like Marcia Brady stop at 1,000), and choreographing dances to Destiny’s Child in the garage. And maybe if he starts to miss Hollywood juuuust a bit, he could record a Welcome to My Home video (I just crossed my fingers so tightly, I broke them all off).
Just as a reminder of what Bruce is leaving behind (and NEVAH looking back), here’s Kim shooting Keeping Up With The Koven with Ciara. I don’t know what’s going on with Kim’s hair, but Blanket Jackson does, and he’s not thrilled about that useless cum-dipped bridge troll stealing his look.
Last night, Mac Tonight’s half-brother, Jay Leno stepped down as host of NBC’s The Tonight Show after 22 years, which is either great news if you’re a person under 40, or the worst news possible if you’re an elderly woman who’s only reason for living is to mail in wacky newspaper clippings. Personally, my preference for robot skeleton sidekicks makes me more of a Craig Ferguson person, so I could give a shit about Leno. But 22 years at any job should be celebrated, so I’ll pop a bottle of Baileys in his honor today.
Since I can kind-of remember Johnny Carson’s final episode (or maybe I’m thinking of Krusty’s comeback special from The Simpsons) it was my understanding that NBC sends you out with a bang. Instead, NBC broke with tradition and assembled a real who’s-who (no literally, who?) to sing a rendition of So Long, Farewell from The Sound Of Music led by a super realistic-looking wax figure of Billy Crystal. Included in the group of people who looked truly ashamed to be there (snaps to a defeated-sounding Jim Parsons for not shooting himself right there on the spot) was Kim Kardashian, who looked like the slutty entry in the Milwaukee Brewers 6th inning sausage race. Kim waddled out and sang (musically nasal’ed might be a better description) a tongue-in-cheek verse about how she’s the easiest of targets:
“So long, farewell, tonight I told my folks – and now, I won’t be the butt of Leno’s jokes.”
Thankfully there’s still Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson, Chelsea Handler, SNL, myself, most of the internet, and the good people of Twitter who will be able to pick up where Leno left off. And Jay Leno can kick back in one of his many billion-dollars cars thanking the TV gods he doesn’t have to talk about her dumb ass anymore.
And my Say Something Nice is the following: Kim’s face is able to move more freely than I thought! Did you see when she almost opened her eyes all the way? She practically looked alive!
Good news today for all the dentist’s waiting rooms in Hell; according to Jezebel, a “well-placed source” informed them that Vogue was in L.A. yesterday with their widest-angle lenses to shoot Kim Kardashian for a possible magazine cover. Before you get too excited, when I say ‘shoot’, I mean with a camera: not shot with a gun, shot with a load of jizz (“Been there, done that, made a million from it” – Kris Jenner), or shot into space. I know, I’m sorry; take off your party hats and save the noise makers for another day. But keep those fingers crossed!
This is great news for Kanye West, who’s been pestering Anna Wintour to give his My First Dumpy Stepford Ho Doll a Vogue cover for what seems like years now, because Kanye is smart and knows Kim isn’t capable of anything greater than simply letting someone take her picture. And even then, we’re not exactly dealing with a genius. I don’t know who the photographer was, but I have a feeling he spent most of the day saying: “Kim, stay awake honey. You gotta look alive. Kim, can you open your eyes a little more? Kim? You asleep? You need a nap, Kim? Can someone inject Kim with a syringe full of methamphetamine? We need her to look…how do I say this…not like a Botoxed sloth.” And someone should have told the people at Vogue that a photo shoot was completely unnecessary; they could have just Photoshopped a too-tight beige Margiela dress onto a picture of Jen from The Dark Crystal and saved themselves the agony.
I know you’re dyyyying to see what Kim’s Vogue pictures look like, but nothing will be released until Anna Wintour speaks with Kim’s agent, Satan J. Jackal. So until then, here are picture of Kim filming Keeping Up With Kows You Kould Give A Krap About with Khloe, who – I’ll say it – looks great (if you need me, I’ll be getting a CATscan, since I clearly have a brain tumor), and their little sister Marla Hooch (What a hitter!):
The little racist who got a face full of gay fish fist for spitting racial slurs into Kim Kardashian’s ear at her chiropractor’s office now has $250,000 more in his checking account. TMZ says that Kanye West pulled a stack of hundred dollar bills out of his butt cleavage and threw $250,000 at the bitch he punched to not press charges and to go away. Yes, that 18-year-old kid got that much money and all he had to do was get fisted by Kanye. (“Where’s my $250,000?!” – Riccardo Tisci) Pimp Mama Kris now knows that if she ever needs some quick Botox money, all she has to do is get one of her low-level whores (see: Rob) to spit a racial slur at Kim before getting punched by Kanye and she’ll have an instant $250,000!
A source (Pimp Mama Kris should just legally change her name to A Source and get it over with) tells TMZ that the little racist wanted high-six figures and after a little back and forth both sides agreed on a quarter of a million dollars. Kanye’s farts are worth more than that and I’m not making that up. Kanye shoves gold pills up his asshole so his farts are solid gold. The kid took the money and because he refuses to work with the D.A. now, Kanye won’t face battery charges. The case is closed.
So to recap: Some racist kid said a bunch of racist shit to Kim’s face while opening up the door to her chiropractor’s office and then Kanye showed up and beat his ass up. To make it all go away, Kanye is paying that racist kid off. And none of that was caught on camera. Kourtney has pushed out a kid on camera and Pimp Mama Kris got a new face installed on her head on camera, and yet that didn’t happen on camera. That might be the first time in history when a piece of Kim’s life wasn’t caught on camera. I’m not saying it was a publicity stunt (okay, I sort of am), but if it was, then it wasn’t one of PMK’s best. She has got to stunt harder.
It was my understanding that Pimp Mama Kris was so proud of Kim Kardashian’s sex tape that she practically projected it onto every wall in the Jenner home, but according to Us Weekly, last night’s episode of Keeping Up With Satan’s Extended Family proved that some members of the Kardashian Koven are still unfamiliar with seeing Kim’s tits covered in white liquid. No, I’m not talking about jizz (they’re saving that for when the ratings get really low); Kim’s kash kow udders did what udders do when after you drop spawn from your loins and began leaking milk through her shirt, and that shit got too real for Rob:
“Your boob is like, leaking out of control,” Khloe told the breastfeeding champion. “It’s like, a water fountain.” The unfazed star calmly responded by readjusting her famous assets before the cameras — stuffing her bra with tissues to remedy the leakage.
Her shocked brother, however, was still in utter disbelief over the natural side effects of breastfeeding: “What the f—?” he said to his big sis. “That weirds me out for real,” the 26-year-old sock designer continued as he walked out of the room.
How the fuck is a grown man like Rob ‘weirded out’ by lactating titties? Is Rob that much of a dummy that he doesn’t know what happens when a baby is born? Wait a second, I think I can explain. When Kris made her fame-pact with Satan all those years ago, she must have traded in some of her human mother qualities for those of a serpent-devil creature. For example: instead of drinking milk, Baby Kim, Baby Kourtney, Khloe (she’s been an adult-sized she-hulk since birth), and Baby Rob feasted on the blood of a sacrificial goat. Rob doesn’t know that human babies are supposed to drink milk because he’s only seen his mom breastfeed Satan’s litter with fire-poison. See, this is why it’s so important to teach sex-ed in school; you don’t know which students are getting misinformation at home.
(Pic via Splash)
Since Krapping Up the Kartrashian’sratings are starting to fall and the Lindsay Lohan-ing of Justin Bieber is the MSNBC BREAKING NEWS STORY of the moment, Pimp Mama Kris raised her cane and commanded her prized heifer to work it, whore, sell it, whore. Kim’s been selling it on the talk show ho stroll and she took her “terra cotta mask covered in corn starch” face to Jimmy Kimmel’s corner where she whored out her krappy show, her krappy family and her newest diarrhea-inducing fake wedding.
The shrunken-headed Bratz doll that was molded out of dildo rubber told Jimmy that she will become Kim Noel Kardashian Thomas Humphries West this summer in Paris when she and Kanye join hands and take a dump on the pile of dead horse dust that is the sanctity of marriage. They aren’t getting married at Versailles (or as Nomi Malone would pronounce it: Ver-say-ells) because his massive, throbbing ego rubbing against her massive, throbbing ass would cause the walls to come crumbling down and Versailles doesn’t want to go out like that.
Before Kim sucked the life out of Jimmy’s studio, she Instagrammed a picture of the fugly shit she put on her body and said that it’s a Dior dress cut in two. If you run the line “I cut my Dior dress in two” through the truth machine, out will come, “My body split that shit in two.” It’s ugly now and it was probably ugly before. It looks like resort wear by Juicy Couture. And Kim’s face. If she was an actual Real Doll, the dude who ordered her would return her to the factory she came from for being way too creepy and so not passable.
Pics: Pacific Coast News