Category: Kim Kardashian

Pimp Mama Kris’ Dark Powers Are Growing: E! Signs The Kartrashians To A $100 Million Deal

February 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Yes, that is the O face Pimp Mama Kris made after she drew a pentagram (that’s her official signature) in blood on her new contract with E!. I understand if you need to clear your cookies, shut down your browser, turn off your laptop and dip it in holy water while vowing to never ever think of Dlisted again. I deserve it for throwing this dark-sided, unholy shit at you.

Page Six says that this country’s nightmare has been extended for another 4 years. Pimp Mama Kris has once again earned the title of Pimp of the Year by brokering a “record breaking” deal worth $100 million. PMK’s wax-covered, Botox-filled ATMs including Kummy Kakes, Khlozilla, The Slow One, Kendull and Kylie Jenner are all part of the deal. Bruce Jenner is not and neither is that one who lives under the stairs and only scurries out to grab a sandwich or a cupcake left on the kitchen island. I forgot his name and I’m sure they have too. Page Six says this deal is the biggest in reality shit show history.

The deal that is making the flames in Hell rise higher covers at least 4 more seasons of Keeping Up with the Kartrashians as well as new seasons of those Kourtney and Khloe Take (insert the name of the poor city they’re terrorizing here) shows. Thanks to E!’s deal with the devil, Khlozilla will continue to do red carpet stuff for them, Kummy Kakes will produce her own shows and PMK may open up a Kartrashian channel on YouTube. The source also spit out these fightin’ words:

“You’ll be seeing a lot more of the Kardashian family. This is a huge deal, which will see their involvement with the network and its digital properties expand well into the future.”

So that’s why I heard a high-pitched cackle echo through the land this morning. It was Ryan Seacrest, that evil midget minotaur with a blonde wig covering his whittled down horns, cackling as even more gold coins filled his pot.

This deal isn’t surprising. PMK has the E! exclamation point wrapped around her claw. If E! didn’t have the Kartrashians, what would they do? Greenlight a cooking show hosted by Giuliana Rancic? This world. It really is a sad day in America when Krapping Up on the Kartrashians is renewed for 4 more seasons and yet quality television like Flavor of Love isn’t on the air anymore.

And here’s Kim dressed like a day-shift Hunts Point hooker circa 1991 (no offense to day-shift Hunts Point hookers circa 1991) while going to the Brit Awards with Kanye yesterday.

Pics: Wenn.com

Kim, Khloe, Kylie, And North West Got Into A Car Accident Today In Montana

February 21, 2015 / Posted by:

After finding it difficult to breathe due to the thick truth-scented fart cloud floating around their house courtesy of Amber Rose, some of the Kardashian girls decided to get some fresh air by fleeing to Montana for a ski vacation. Unfortunately, TMZ says that while driving around Bozeman earlier today, Kim Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, Kylie Jenner, and North West ended up in a ditch after the vehicle they were driving hit a patch of black ice and skidded into oncoming traffic.

According to TMZ, a semi-truck drove past their GMC Yukon and splashed a ton of snow onto their windshield, which made it impossible for Khloe, who was driving the four of them, to see where she was going and she started swerving like Toonces the Cat. That’s when the vehicle hit a patch of ice and spun out of control, sliding into oncoming traffic and then ending up in the ditch. Poor North; I bet the second the car started swerving she threw up her hands like “Are you kidding me? The ONE day I spend with my mother instead of the nannies. Typical.

Even though their accident sounds like some dramatic shit, Kim, Khloe, Kylie, and North West are all fine and there’s no damage to the vehicle. And before you go booking some nigh school driver’s ed classes for Khloe, cops say the roads around Bozeman are super icy today and there have been a number of similar accidents.

Winter weather car accidents are no joke, so even though I detest these cash-humping hookers with every fibre of my being, I’m glad everyone is OK and nobody got hurt. But still, if I were them, I’d probably let someone else do the driving for the next 7 days. First Bruce Jenner’s accident, now this? February is truly not the month when it comes to the Kardashian family and their kars.

Amber Rose Teases All Of Us By Threatening To Expose Kanye

February 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Amber Rose finally aimed and fired at her ex-piece Kanye West for saying during an interview with The Breakfast Club this morning that no woman wants to be with a man who has been with her and he had to take 30 showers before getting with Kim Kartrashian. Amber squirted a load of hypocrisy into Kanye’s face by reminding him that his precious wife, whom he had to cleanse himself for, once let Brandy’s brother bust a spoonful of man chowder on her in a sex tape.

After that tweet, I brought out the popping topping and began making a giant bowl of popcorn, because I thought Amber Rose was going to let all the emotions out and read every inch of Kanye. Amber pulled out her dick, slapped our b-holes with it and stuck the tip in just a little with this tweet:

But then she pulled out:

That teasing ass trick! My body and soul was ready for her to spill it all and expose Kanye. Screw taking the high road or whatever. The high road doesn’t lead to us finding out some ESCANDALOSO shit like how she and Kanye never boned and how he cuddles with a Riccardo Tisci Real Doll every night and how he secretly hates Apple products so his laptop is an Acer in MacBook Air clothing.

Amber went on to tweet that she’ll let the Kartrashians destroy him when they’re done using him and she knows that she and Kummy Kakes are basically making money the same way, but the difference is she doesn’t think she’s better than anyone:

I’ll leave that up to the Kartrashians to humiliate u when they’re done with u. I’m always so quiet and just a cool fun girl. The funny thing is I’m all for a woman making something out of nothing. Ppl make mistakes in life trust me I have. But when u bully other ppl and ur not perfect its so fucked. I own up to every piece of my life.

That’s nice and everything, cool fun girl, but now I have blue balls. Way to tease.

Kanye West Thinks Amber Rose Is A Dirtier Skank Than His Wife (UPDATE)

February 20, 2015 / Posted by:

If you listened to Kanye West’s interview with Power 105.1′s The Breakfast Club this morning, you’re probably pulling out the dried bullshit dingles and corroded nuggets of delusion that he spewed into your ears. Kanye was on a roll. Kanye basically confirmed and applauded 25-year-old Tyga fucking on his 17-year-old sister-in-law Kylie Jenner and said that he needed to cleanse himself of Amber Rose’s filthy whoriness after dating her. I mean…

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Amber Rose And Khloe Kardashian Had A Huge “Whore” Fight On Twitter

February 16, 2015 / Posted by:

“Na-na-na, I can’t hear you through the stack of bills I got from whoring, whore!

This messy whore fight battle royale started on Friday morning when Amber Rose threw a side-eye at 25-year-old Tyga’s maybe ILLEGAL relationship with 17-year-old Kylie Jenner during an interview on Power 105.1′s The Breakfast Club. Kanye’s ex-piece talked about Wiz Khalifa passing his peen behind her back and then got into talking about Tyga leaving her friend (and Kim Kartrashian’s ex-friend) Blac Chyna for Kylie:

“She’s a baby, she needs to go to bed at 7 o’clock and relax. That’s ridiculous. [Tyga] should be ashamed of himself. For sure. He has a beautiful woman and a baby and left that for a 16-year-old who just turned 17.”

Amber went on to say that all these little girls like Kylie need to learn from her, because she’s the whore Jesus and has already made all the mistakes that they’re making. Amber spit out the truth and didn’t even talk shit about Kylie, but since Pimp Mama Kris taught her hos how to stretch out a story for maximum attention, Khloe Kartrashian went after her on Twitter. PMK unhooked Khloezilla’s muzzle and unleashed the beast on Amber. Khloe barked out tweet after tweet at Amber instead of barking at the grown dude who is probably boning her underage sister.

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Kanye West Did Some Kind Of Kanye West-y Post-Modern Art Performance On The SNL 40th Anniversary Show

February 16, 2015 / Posted by:

And shockingly, for the first time this week, North West wasn’t sitting in the front row and screaming through the whole thing. During last night’s Saturday Night Live 40th anniversary show that I’m still pissed off included zero appearances by the greatest SNL character ever, Toonces, but whatever, music’s version of Shia LaBeouf Kanye West opened his performance in the most Kanye way possible: by lying on the floor in some kind of white light box while looking like Blade’s fancy fashion brother in a pair of colored contacts and a gold grill in his mouth.

Kanye, or “Candy West” if you’re Christopher Walken, performed “Jesus Walks” (which I am surprised that egotistical trick hasn’t changed to “Yeezus Walks” by now), “Only One”, and “Wolves”, which he was joined on the floor by rapper Vic Mensa and Sia, who were also dressed like Derelicte by Kanye West by Mugatu. The whole thing was a mess; it was like a 1st year college performance art piece in association with an expired bottle of NyQuil and the NYC sanitation department. Somewhere in a cocktail lounge in Atlantic City and a cocktail lounge up in Heaven, The Sweeney Sisters are like “We got bumped for this? RUDE.

And as if that wasn’t enough attention, he also got a shout out by his former partner in Hurricane Katrina awkwardness Mike Myers and the surprisingly still hot Dana Carvey during a Wayne’s World sketch. Live, from New York, it’s Kanye West! ….and some other people. And if you really want a side of the dry heaves with your morning coffee, I’ve included two up-close pictures of Kanye and his come-to-life Real Doll Kim Kardashian wearing those busted mall contact lenses after the cut.

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So, I Guess North West Wasn’t A Fan Of The Alexander Wang Show Either

February 15, 2015 / Posted by:

Cathy Horyn of The New York Times, who? North West is the only fashion critic we need. On Thursday, North West made it perfectly clear that Kanye West’s collection for Adidas is an 80s aerobics fugly nightmare when she screamed during the show and demanded to be led far, far away from those nasty rags. North West pretty much gave Alexander Wang’s Fall/Winter 2015 collection the same review. You’d bawl too if a model came stomping toward you in those 90s gothic shit brick shoes.

The Illuminati’s parents of the year, Kim Kartrashian and Kuntye West, once again dragged their little, living fashion accessory to the last place she wants to be: a New York Fashion Week show. Why won’t those dumb fucks let North West live her life? I know as much about babies as I do about proper sentence structure, but I’m pretty sure listening to ear drum-busting music while watching The Grudge-looking ass models with constipation face is not their idea of a good time. Babies like to drool on their stuffed animals while watching mindless cartoons. They’re like stoners that way.

Pimp Mama Kris must be so disappointed in Kim. PMK taught Kim everything she knows about the pimp game and that hallowed-out mannequin of dumb made a rookie mistake. Doesn’t Kim know that you’re supposed to sell your child’s soul five seconds after they’re born so that they become vain and shallow inside and won’t act up when you parade them in front of the cameras? PMK is so ashamed! But I hope North West keeps rebelling against those messes, because we really need a Mommie Dearest-like tell-all from her in 20 years titled Pimpie Dearest.

Pics: Getty, Splash

Here’s North West’s Review Of Kanye’s Fashion Collection

February 12, 2015 / Posted by:

And after you look at the pictures of Kanye’s collection, you’l feel exactly the same.

Soulless fame whore mannequin Kim Kartrashian learned today that sometimes your living and breathing fashion accessory is tired of being your living and breathing fashion accessory and fights back. At the New York Fashion Week show for Kanye West’s collection for Adidas tonight, Kummy Kakes once again dragged North West out for photo-ops and that child was not having it. She did not want to be there. Beyonce, Jay-Z and Anna Wintour were totally over it and I’m surprised Anna didn’t shush that child up by sucking her soul.

Can you even blame North West? The clothes are awful, the music is probably loud and she’s sitting next to the Queen of the Death Eaters who can eat her youth at any moment. North West just wants to be at home with her mommy aka the nanny.

With that being said, North West is my new favorite fashion critic.

And here’s a million pictures of Kummy, Anna (who was not amused by these ugly clothes), North West, RiRi, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Diddy (whose head looks like a clit between two furry coochie lips) and the collection which looks like “homeless ballerina as seen through the eyes of Mugatu.”

Pics: Reuters, Getty, Wenn.com

Shirley Manson Goes In On Kanye West

February 10, 2015 / Posted by:

Sometimes we just need a ginger rock goddess from Scotland to strap a trick in his high chair and spoon feed him a whole lot of truth. Shirley Manson of Garbage watched with all of us as Kanye West pulled an “Imma” fake out on Beck at the Grammys before later telling E! that he wasn’t joking and Beyonce should have won Album of the Year, because artistry must be respected. I’m sure the Grammy hos heard Kry Baby Kanye loud and clear and next year will belatedly pay tribute to his wife’s highly artistic contributions to the music world by naming “Jam (Turn It Up” as Best Song By A Soulless Hose Beast.

Even though Beck isn’t bothered, Shirley just couldn’t stay quiet as Kanye shit on Beck’s win and continued to defend a woman who already has her own team of bodyguards (led by welterweight elevator fighter Basement Baby), so she spit out her rant on Facebook.

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It Really Is 2009 All Over Again…..

February 9, 2015 / Posted by:

When Kanye West almostImma’d” Beck at the Grammys last night, I thought he was doing a little joking and attention whoring at the same time, but nope. Kanye wasn’t joking and he wanted to take us all the way back to the 2009 MTV VMAs by snatching away Beck’s microphone to rant about how Beyonce had the greatest album of all-time.

After the Grammys, Kanwhine and Kummy Kakes talked to Khlozilla and the other head nodders at E! and he used his time in front of their cameras to rip off E!’s logo from the mic and stick his tongue all the way up Beyonce’s bey-hole by saying that she should’ve won Album of the Year and the Grammys need to embrace real artists (“Um, they totally do!” – Grammy nominee Meghan Trainor). Kanye wanted to hijack Beck’s Grammy moment and spit out a stan stream for Beyonce into that mic, but he didn’t, because of his clothing line or something.

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