Last night, Khlozilla went on a painkiller-induced Sasquatch rampage on Twitter when she told people to get off dick after they gave her shit for staying with her boyfriend James Harden while still nursing and being married to Lamar Odom. But well, if you ask the most important woman in Hollywood and human orchid Paz De La Huerta about this, she’d tell you that little Twitter tussle should’ve never happened, because nobody should be following the Kartrashians.
On her Instagram yesterday, the greasy jewel delivered an important announcement to the world and to Kanye Kartrashian. There’s a war happening right now and we do not need to be distracted by that idiot trash Kim Kartrashian! Paz deleted her post (it still lives here), because she probably realized that in posting about Kim, she was giving Kim attention. Or she decided that she’ll save that speech for when she testifies at the anti-Kardashian hearings at the United Nations. Seriously, why aren’t Paz and Natasha from Top Model the co-leaders of the United Nations? #PazBeGandhiAndJesus.
And since no Paz post is complete without stunning pictures of her, here she is back in April looking like heaven in a trash bag.
Pics: Splash (Thanks Philip!)
Back when the Kartrashians didn’t totally look like 80 pounds of silicone and butt jelly in a 40 pound Balmain bag, Oprah interviewed them and claims she saw first-hand how much “hard work” it takes to look and be that fake. While Rebel Wilson and Uncle Tim Gunn are publicly saying that the Kartrashians are about as useless as a dildo made of sand, Oprah is guzzling down Pimp Mama Kris’ home brewed Kool-Aid (made of the tears of Kartrashian men and Lucifer’s jizz) and is defending them.
Looks like we can add another ensemble to Tim Gunn’s “Don’t Wear This” list of vulgar fashion atrocities.
The fifth annual LACMA Art+Film gala was held last night, and Kim Kardashian was there, which makes total sense, because Kim got her start in film. No, it’s because she’s a high klass lady who goes to high klass film galas. Also because Kris Jenner would go absolutely apeshit if she found out her top money maker passed up an opportunity to get dressed up in her “LOOK AT ME” finest and serve up some half-asleep FACE for the cameras.
We all know that Kim Kardashian has a severe allergy to good taste, so it’s really no surprise that she would show up to the LACMA gala in a cheap-looking Leg Avenue body stocking with her tits out. I mean, she had to do something to get some attention; she went a whole 24 hours without all eyes on her, thanks to her mother selfishly stealing the spotlight with her million-dollar
Great Mediocre Gatsby birthday party yesterday. So really, it’s more of a shock that she didn’t double-down and try to make up for lost attention by showing up totally nude while her intern (Kylie Jenner) followed closely behind, spritzing her plastic parts with Crisco.
Here’s more of Kim looking like a Living Dead Doll of a knocked-up zombie stripper at the LACMA Art+Film gala last night, as well all the other famous types who were there, like Reese Witherspoon, Goopy Paltrow, and Jared Leto, who is still working the malnourished methhead Joker look, I see.
And just like that, Tim Gunn received an invoice from Kardashian family pimp Kris Jenner with a copy of that headline and a note saying: “Just letting you know that sort of thing costs extra.”
If you woke up this morning with a little extra pep in your step, you can thank the no-fucks-giving angel of truth Tim Gunn. Once again, Tim opened his heart and released a million warm feelings during a recent interview with the Huffington Post while talking about America’s First Family of Frozen-Faced Tackiness. It all started when Tim was asked his thoughts on Kanye West’s latest collection of crappy clothing. Somewhere in Hell, Satan is already sweating the angry conference call he’s about to get from Pimp Mama Kris and her kurrent favorite son-in-law.
If you own goats and live in the Calabasas area, throw a rosary around their necks and keep them inside, because Pimp Mama Kris is going to send Khlozilla out to catch a few of them since she’ll need their blood to cast a black magic kurse on Rebel Wilson for shitting on her koven of hos.
I don’t know how you can break your silence when you haven’t been silent for years, but okay, People.
Because Pimp Mama Kris felt like now was a great time to stop feeding krap to the media through “sources” and milk the situation for an exclusive cover interview, Khloe Kartrashian said lines that a script writer and publicist wrote for her while talking to People Magazine. The picture of her giving us “sads but maintaining the sexy” was a nice touch, but they really should’ve added a halo since she’s the saint who saved Lamar Odom from death! (UPDATE: Khloe wookie slapped us haters on Twitter by saying that this photo shoot for People was done before Lamar was found unconscious in a brothel and she was kontractually obligated to due a 5-minute follow-up interview after what happened.)
And everyone gets an F! That’s not how you dress up as a pregnant Kim Kartrashian. What you have to do is buy 5 of the biggest plastic beach balls you can find, fill them with gallons upon gallons of soil jelly and strap 2 to your chest, 2 to your ass cheeks and 1 to your belly. Once you’ve done that, put on 6 pairs of Spanx and wrap your body in several layers of Saran Wrap before you get 4 of your strongest friends and a truck with a trailer hitch to squeeze you into a size 2 Spandex dress in either black or beige. If you’re able to breathe through your mouth while wearing that dress, it’s not tight enough. So get your friends to cut you out of it and put you in a smaller one. You will know if the dress is the right size if it’s so tight that you have to breathe out of your asshole. After you achieve that, slap a rubber trout mask over your face and get someone to spray you down with orange paint. There you go! Knocked Up Kim!
Ex-NBA player and ex-Khloe Kardashian husband Lamar Odom is showing definite signs of improvement, according to various sources. TMZ is reporting that Lamar is experiencing “the best 24 hours he has had so far.” We can all agree that this is due to most of the Kardashians leaving the hospital, right? Who needs Lourdes (the town with the magical God fountain in France, not Madge’s daughter) when all you need is that fame whore trash taken out of your hospital room?
As you know, Odom was in a coma for four days after he was found knocked out at a brothel just outside of Pahrump, NV in Crystal. He’s recovering at Sunrise Hospital in Las Vegas.
Yesterday, practically everybody reported that Lamar Odom’s condition was every kind of bleak and getting worse. It was reported that he was on a ventilator and didn’t have any brain activity. There were also konflicting reports about whose paw he squeezed. ET said that Lamar “fluttered his eyes open” and squeezed Kim Kartrashian’s hand, and TMZ said that Lamar squeezed his wife Khloe Kartrashian’s hand. See, this is what happens when a pack of fame whores don’t come together and get their stories straight before leaking it to the media. Pimp Mama Kris is slipping! Today TMZ is saying there’s a little glimmer of hope, because LamLam’s heart function is getting better.
Our future president Kanye West is everywhere. Go pee. Right now. I guarantee you he’ll be in your damn shower. Hopefully he didn’t bring that wife. In the latest It’s Yeezy’s World news, President Obama gave him some advice on running for POTUS, and Kanye showed up to American Idol.