There’s approximately 400 million pics, selfies and videos of Kim Kartrashian’s alien trout mannequin face and other parts that people can get for free on the Internet, so it’s absolutely shocking that everybody didn’t buy a stupid book filled with some of those pictures. I guess that old saying your memaw used to say, “Why buy the cow when you can see it greased up and sprawled out on the Internet for free,” applies to this story.
A rep for Nielsen Bookscan tells Radar that since May, Kim Kartrashian’s “Selfish” has sold a grand total of 32,000 copies. And all 32,000 of those copies are probably sitting in Pimp Mama Kris’ dungeon right next to all 13,000 copies of the Jenner girls’ sci-fi YA novel she bought. Kim has over 41 million Instagram followers and as Radar points out, not even 1% of them bought the book of selfies that should be re-titled “Shelved Fish.”
That represents just 0.8% of Kardashian’s Instagram fans. (*Nielsen BookScan’s U.S. Consumer Market Panel currently covers approximately 85% of the print book market and continues to grow.)
What’s more, the book is a critical flop online. Sitting at 1,607 in books, it’s ranked only 2.5 stars after 661 customer reviews. And those reviews have been scathing.
It’s a damn shame that the millions of fake followers that Kim probably bought aren’t real people with real credit cards who could’ve bought a copy of her book. There needs to be an app for that. But you know, PMK can really turn this around and sell every single copy of that book. All she has to do is re-market it as a pack of designer wee wee pads for puppies. Ray J approved! It’d become a best seller and it’d fly off of the shelves of every Petco!
Here’s Kim at LAX looking as comfortable as ever while wearing extremely wearable maternity clothes by Kanye.
Seen above looking like a Predator working the prosthetic butt that Martin Lawrence wore in Big Momma’s House, Khloe Kartrashian is on the cover of
Komplex Complex and in the interview, she brings the heave-summoning jacked-up foolery in heavy doses. Khloe defends Kylie Jenner’s relationship with PedoTyga and also tells us what it sounds like when Pimp Mama Kris fucks. If you really don’t feel like torturing your stomach and soul, skip the words that Khloe sharted up and watch this video of a bull dog trying to climb into a tiny folding chair instead. That bulldog works the “ass out, head over shoulder” pose a million times better than Khlozilla does.
While working a custom-made Ver-sayce gown and styling by Dame St. Angie Jolie’s stylist (Can’t you tell?), Caitlyn Jenner accepted the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPYs tonight as some people screamed, “(insert the name of any and every athlete here) deserves it more!!!!!” Bob Costas‘ wig probably flipped off of his head.
Caitlyn’s 5,000 children were in the audience as well as Khlozilla, Kim Kartrashian and The Slow One. Pimp Mama Kris, who wasn’t invited, watched it in her lair while saying, “Ugh, she looks so fat,” to the TV screen as her boy toy/future victim massaged the retractable devil horns on her head.
Before her speech, they played a 13-minute-long video that was narrated by Jon Hamm of all people and showed Caitlyn’s Olympic wins as well as some of her transition. During her speech, Caitlyn said that she feels it’s her responsibility to “reshape the landscape of how trans issues are viewed” and hopes her story will push people to accept each other for who we are. Caitlyn talked about the murder of 17-year-old transgender woman Mercedes Williamson in Mississippi and a 15-year-old transgender boy who committed suicide just days before her interview with Diane Sawyer aired. Caitlyn said that she can take it when people call her names and makes jokes about her ass, but the thousands of transgender kids out there who are just finding themselves shouldn’t have to deal with that shit. Below is a piece of her speech:
“So for the people out there wondering what this is all about — whether it’s about courage or controversy or publicity, well, I’ll tell you what it’s all about. It’s about what happens from here. It’s not just about one person – it’s about thousands of people. It’s not just about me — it’s about all of us, accepting one another. We’re all different — that’s not a bad thing. That’s a good thing. And while it may not be easy to get past the things you always don’t understand, I want to prove that it is absolutely possible if we only do it together.”
And in motion:
Kim would’ve squirted out a fake tear, but her ducts are all Botoxed up.
I really wished that at the end of Caitlyn’s speech she would’ve done a slow, lazy, Ambien and red wine-induced spin, because with that hair and that dress she was giving me Lana Del Rey on Saturday Night Live. Okay, a more alive Lana Del Rey.
According to Morrissey, the last nail in music’s coffin is made of the music of Sam Smith and Ed Sheeran. But according to difficult brown warrior and Miley Cyrus’ arch rival Sinead O’Connor, music pooted out its last breath as soon as Kim Kartrashian’s poop deck realness cover of Rolling Stone hit the newsstands. Sinead read music its last rites today with this little mini-rant on Facebook (via The Mirror) :
What is this cunt doing on the cover of Rolling Stone ? Music has officially died. Who knew it would be Rolling Stone that murdered it? Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh can no longer be expected to take all the blame. Bob Dylan must be fucking horrified.
2. Doesn’t Sinead mean “kunt“?
3. I read that hashtag as #BoycuntRollingStone and now I know what my new Grindr username is going to be.
4. RIP Music
Noted asshole Scott Disick has been especially asshole-y this week. After he “got caught” trying to hook-up with one of his ex-girlfriends in Monte Carlo, Kourtney Kardashian dumped him and he just shrugged his shoulders and told people he was single and ready to mingle. He followed that up by bailing on his daughter’s 3rd birthday and posting a lazy “Happy Birthday, or whatever” message on Instagram. As you can probably guess, Scott Disick isn’t exactly the most popular person at the Botox Kompound right now. And according to People, the person who is most pissed off at Scoot Douchebag is his brother-in-law, Kanye West.
A source close to Kanye claims that Kanye is “furious” at Scott, adding that he’s “maybe the most furious of everyone.” That might technically be true, since the last time I checked, Kanye was the only Kardashian who’s face muscles could still move freely and show a range of emotions. Kanye has also apparently been really vocal about Scott’s recent asshole behavior.
“He’s saying that a real man doesn’t abandon his family like Scott is doing.”
The source also claims that Kanye has offered to step up and be a “strong male figure” to Scott and Kourtney’s three kids. “Cool, when you get a chance, can you do the same for me?” thought North West. The source goes on to say that every member of the Kardashian Koven will forgive Scott for being an asshole if he comes home and does the right thing. Scott allegedly attempted to do the right thing by checking in to rehab, but he left after one hour. So yeah, they might not want to start planning that forgiveness party just yet.
If I were Kanye West, I’d be so pissed at Scott Disick too. Without Scott, Kanye has no one to help him escape from another four hour conversation that starts with “OMG I just found the best industrial-grade expandable butt foam…”
Speaking of rubber and latex, here’s Kim Kardashian celebrating Scott and Kourtney’s daughter Penelope’s 3rd birthday at Disneyland with North and their attention-thirsty grandma Kris Jenner. They really got into the Disneyland spirit too: Kourtney dressed up as Tinker Bell, while Kim’s face appears to be channeling Sleepy. I’ve also thrown in some pics of Kim and Kanye looking ~so artsy~ for System magazine.
Pics: Splash, Juergen Teller
Kim Kardashian’s objectification lecture with the Commonwealth Club of California happened last night, and if you couldn’t tell from that Rolling Stone cover above, the jist of her lecture was that she doesn’t really have a problem with objectification. We’ll get to that lecture in a second, but let’s get this Rolling Stone business out of the way first. Two thoughts on that cover:
1) Kim looks like an honorary Kaptain of a rubber dinghy called the S. S. Seamen (the first mate of which would be chum bucket Terry Richardson, who shot Kim’s kover).
2) A round of applause goes to the editors who showed an enormous level of restraint by not reversing the order of the words so that it read “Inside Kim“. Or maybe they did, but the second the first copy came out of the printer, Kris Jenner appeared through a firey hole in the floor and demanded a cut of the profits from people who bought the magazine expecting to find porn.
On to the interview. Kim really has nothing to sell or promote, so Kim just talks about Kim. And her kreator Kanye West. She also talks about her Where’s Waldo of a brother, Rob Kardashian, and manages to read his ass while doing so. Awww, what a great big sister!
Kanye West headlined the Glastonbury Festival on Saturday night, and British comedian Simon Brodkin bum-rushed the show as his “Lee Nelson” character. Instead of realizing he’s had this coming for a long time and playing along, Kanye acted like a gaping asshole. Which is not a character. He had security yank Brodkin away. He also demanded that the guy backstage who pushes the play button press pause so he could start “Black Skinhead” over again. Cut to a Scientology-approved yert in which Beck is nodding approvingly. Then cut over to Karlie Kloss’ hotel room where Taylor Swift is French-braiding Karlie’s hair and beginning every sentence with “Imma let you finish but Lee Nelson had…” before tee-hee-heeing.
“Lee Nelson” mimed that he was rapping during his brief appearance and those mere seconds were better than any performance that Kanye has ever given. There was more life, more soul, more spirit in Mr. Brodkin’s actions than in anything Kanye has ever done. Kanye realized this. Seeking validation, he later informed the crowd that they were “watching the greatest living rock star on the planet!” The definition of humble:
Glastonbury was equally problematic for Kim Kardashian West. Some resourceful youngster in the crowd made a flag depicting Kim Kardashian sucking off Ray J.
Finally! That sex tape that ruined all of our lives is useful.
Check out Kuntye and wife boarding a helicopter for the festival:
“We brought the cream mock turtleneck sweatshirt six years ago to Fendi, and they said, ‘No.’ How many motherfuckers you done seen with a cream mock turtleneck sweatshirt” – Kanye West in six years while talking about how he’s the godfather of cream mock turtleneck sweatshirts that look like a half Snuggie.
Fresh off from putting a crack in the planet’s core by admitting that even an all-knowing god like him is wrong sometimes, Kanye West recently said a few words about the death of his mother to a magazine. Kanye’s mom Dr. Donda West died in 2007 due to complications from getting lipo and a breast reduction. Kanye said before that he feels like the plastic superficiality of Los Angeles is what drove his mother to get surgery. During an interview with Q Magazine (via People), Kanye became sad Kanye when he pointed the finger at himself over his mom’s death. And he also spit out a few rocks from the river of delusion:
On how his time with North West comes first: “While [Nori’s] here in Europe I have to have six hours a day with her because otherwise I’ll just work and she’ll get scheduled around meetings. Instead, the meetings get scheduled around her.”
On how most celeb whores only open their mouths for money (He’s obviously not talking about any of the celebrities he knows or is married to, because all of them are modest and humble): “When people expect a celebrity to do or say anything, you’re talking to the wrong group of people. They won’t use their voice for the people. They’ll only use their voice for money. Ninety percent of celebrities only use their voice for the purpose of making money for themselves.”
On how living in L.A. killed his mom: “If I had never moved to L.A. she’d be alive. I don’t want to go far into it because it will bring me to tears.”
So, Kanye thinks that the pressure to look like an L.A. brand rubber mannequin is what took his mother, but yet he married into a family of vapid money-grubbing fame whores whose body parts are made by DuPont and who had their souls lipo’d out because it made them look fat? Hmm, I guess you should keep your friends close and keep your enemies so damn close that you marry and have a baby with them.
Here’s more of Kanye in Paris as well as pictures of him going to dinner in London with ALS charity angel Kummy Kakes and her deflating hot air balloon ass.
Since Kanye West thinks he’s God on earth, he really wants his own personal Jesus and so he made sure that all the embryos implanted in his wife’s rubber chew toy body were dude embryos. When Kim Kartrashian said that she and Kanye were furiously fucking like a desperate prison tailor shop instructor and a convicted killer, she really meant that doctors were furiously working to make an embryo that would grow into a dude heir and continue his dad’s legacy of making eyes roll.
A source tells UsWeekly that both Kim and Kanye wanted a boy to go with their girl and so they shook out the loose change from their cleavage to pay for an expensive procedure where doctors “isolate fertilized embryos of the preferred sex in a lab.” The procedure starts at $17,000, apparently. Kanye’s platinum leaf anus treatments cost more than that, so that money isn’t shit to them. The source claims that Kim and Kanye ordered and bought the perfect boy they’ll name either Wild Wild West, Go West, Kanye The Second or Boyoncé West. The source spilled this out:
“Kanye and Kim are so excited to complete their family. Kanye loves Nori more than anything, but to make his world complete, he wanted a little boy, an heir. Kim always wanted two kids. A girl and a boy.”
This doesn’t surprise me, because Kimye have a little girl to parade around in leather girl tunics for the paps and now they just need a little boy to parade around in leather boy tunics for the paps. But what does surprise me is that Kanye didn’t want to klone himself Dolly-style instead. Why have a “male heir” with half Kanye genes when he could have a “male heir” with full Kanye genes?! It’s what Henry VIII would’ve done! I need to stop, because I’m giving Yeezus ideas and this world is barely big enough for one Kanye-sized ego.
In other Kummy Kakes “news,” Kim is at the Cannes Lions Festival right now and she tweeted about how some drunk, naked crazy bitch tried to get into her hotel room last night. Kim didn’t let her in. What a rude, ungrateful asshole Kim is. I mean, she’s wrong for not letting her mother into her room. Pimp Mama Kris turned Kim into the richest inanimate object in the world and that’s how she gets treated? Rude and uncalled for.
Here’s some pics of Kummy and PMK in Cannes as well as pictures of Kanye partying with Drake, 2 Chainz and Future in Atlanta while wearing a parachute jumpsuit that Blanche Devereaux would’ve worn if she was in the army.
Mark this day in your calendars. Self-appointed legendary genius and authority of everything Kanye West admitted he was WRONG about something. Sounds like Jesus finally took the wheel, pulled the car over, and told Yeezus he’s had damn near enough of his bullshit before threatening to leave his ass at the next rest stop.
During an interview with the Sunday Times (via NME), Kanye konfessed that maybe he might have been wrong about that time he verbally dry fucked Beck for not “respecting artistry” after he won the Grammy award for Album of the Year over Beyonce. At the time, Kanye blamed his little backstage temper tantrum on the voices inside his head. And now he’s throwing those voices under the bus, because he’s admitting the words they made him say might have been not so true:
“I’m fine to apologize for inaccuracies. You know, I send flowers for inaccuracies. I talked to Beck’s wife, and I think I had a point about Beyonce’s album, but I think I was inaccurate with the concept of a gentleman who plays 14 instruments not respecting artistry.”
I can just picture Beck’s wife (Cynthia from Dazed and Confused) realizing she’s been listening to Kanye West talking at her for 148 minutes and thinking “I never should have answered the phone.” But don’t get too used to this new self-aware humble Kanye; right after he apologized, he yanked it all away by saying this:
“Isn’t it amazing that people are so constantly shocked by the commonly agreed-in truth? How much bullshit are we in if, every single time I give not just my opinion, but a vast 80%, 90% opinion, I get into that much trouble? When the truth is a mass opinion. That’s not about accuracy, it’s the definition of truth.
He also mumbled some nonsense about a chair, saying: “I could compare myself to this chair, I’m saying, ‘I’ve got all this on my back, so I’m a chair.’ People get really uptight about my comparisons, but I’m an extreme speaker, and I speak through comparisons.” And just like that, Kanye yanks the wheel back from Jesus and starts weaving around the streets of Crazytown once again.
While we’re on the topic of comparisons, here’s Kanye’s bronzer-covered yoga ball Kim Kardashian reminding her little sister Kylie that she’s still the queen of the tits-out game while walking through the airport yesterday.