A few months ago, Pimp Mama Kris’ prized hog, Kim Kartrashian, “wrote” (read: bitch didn’t write shit) this about racism and discrimination in this world:
I feel a responsibility as a mother, a public figure, a human being, to do what I can to make sure that not only my child, but all children, don’t have to grow up in a world where they are judged by the color of their skin, or their gender, or their sexual orientation. I want my daughter growing up in a world where love for one another is the most important thing.
So the first step I’m taking is to stop pretending like this isn’t my issue or my problem, because it is, it’s everyone’s.
And above is Kummy Cakes and PMK’s other whores showing that they really care about the plight of Ferguson by Instagramming pictures of their tits (I’m guessing) during the Ferguson tribute at the VMAs tonight. I bet if you asked Kim about Ferguson, she’d said, “OH MY GOD, she’s my favorite Black Eyed Peas member!”
Oh, those were the days when Nick Cannon knew his role as a loyal, purse-holding consort and Mimi and her extra plump butterfly lips were in a pink cloud of happiness from having a devoted husband who stood on the sidelines holding her strawberry cheesecake Lip Smackers for her while she basked in the spotlight and got all the attention. Sadly, those days are over and Mimi’s chunky camel toe has deflated with sadness, because her marriage has about as much oxygen left in it as that poor dog did after Mimi put it in the dryer for that legendary episode of Cribs. Mimi and Nick’s marriage is done and today TMZ says that the whore that broke the camel toe’s spirit was humanity’s most destructive skank plague Kim Kartrashian.
Yesterday, Page Six said that Mimi and Nick have been done with each other for a while and they’ve been living in separate places. TMZ says that they’ve been over since May and have already been working with divorce lawyers to divide up their shit and work out a custody agreement for #dembabies. TMZ’s source says that their marriage of 6 years started to shrivel up and die in March when Nick Cannon admitted on Big Boy’s radio show that he fucked Kim Kartrashian. Mimi felt like Nick humiliated her. (I thought she didn’t know what a Kardashian was!) That didn’t stop Nick from spilling out their business some more. He later told Howard Stern that Mimi didn’t let him up into her Hello Kitty until their wedding night, and that didn’t help things.
After losing a bunch of weight by handcuffing herself to a treadmill set to ‘Usain Bolt’ and drinking nothing but water-flavored water blended with water (sorry…Weight Watchers. She lost it with Weight Watchers) Jessica Simpson realized that somewhere along the line her ass said “Bye, bitch!” and took off. And I don’t blame it! If I were being denied buttered Pop Tarts, I’d quit too.
Now Jessica wants it back, but she can’t have it back! Her old butt has gained a bunch of self-esteem by listening to nothing but Mary J. Blige and it’s not about to go crawling back to the cruel oppressor who forced it do power squats until it was so tight Papa Joe could bounce quarters off it. NO MORE DRAMA! If Jessica wants a new booty, she’s going to have to buy one. And according to the National Enquirer (via Radar) she’s already started skimming off the top of Eric Johnson’s allowance, because an insider claims Jessica is obsessed with Kim Kardashian’s exquisite silicone-stuffed ass and she’s ready to do anything to get it.
Not pictured: North West’s mother (read: the nanny) standing to the side and showing her a picture of Pimp Mama Kim and Pimp Daddy Kanye to bring that confused “Who’s that?” pout out of her.
Last month, Kanye Kardashian (née West) mouth farted out this shit dingle of lies during one of his rants:
“I want my daughter to have that opportunity to decide whether she wants to be famous or not. I think to myself, what the fuck am I going to do, how can I change it and how can I give my daughter her childhood?”
And here’s his daughter being pimped out while wearing Chanel in a picture shot by Michael Avedon, Richard Avedon’s grandson, for CR Fashion Book. It’s the nepotism issue! And Kunty Karl is so right. It’s never too early to care about fashion and I’m sure North West is showing she cares by taking a Chanel logo-shaped dump in her Chanel diaper.
via The Telegraph
O.J. Simpson Is Obsessed With Kim Kardashian, Says He’s Going To Marry Her When He Gets Out Of Prison
“Terrific! Are you interested in the 3 month or 6 month marriage option? I’ll have Satan fax you over a Kardashian Kontract as soon as possible!” – Pimp Mama Kris.
According to Radar, O.J. Simpson (who sort of looks like Jabba the Hutt being choked by Leia in this picture, right?) has all the other dudes in prison writing letters to Kim Kardashian that start with the words: “Hooker, you in danger girl”, because he’s been saying some next-level creepy shit about his former defense attorney’s daughter. A prison insider (SNITCH!) claims that O.J. has wallpapered his cell with pictures from Kim’s 2007 Playboy spread, reads every magazine article about her that he can get his hands on, and demands silence every time Kim’s airbrushed Droopy Dog face appears on the television. But wait! It gets creepier!
“O.J. said he always thought she was a cute girl when she was younger,” the source said, “but it has only been since he’s been in prison his infatuation with her has grown to a full-blown obsession.”
Ew ew ew ew. Now is a good time to remind you that O.J. and his then-wife Nicole Brown-Simpson used to go on vacation with the Kardashian family all the time in the 80s and 90s, which means O.J. Simpson WAS that pervert friend of their dad (“Hey Kim, I bet you $20 you can’t touch your elbows behind your back!”). The source also goes on to say that O.J. thinks he’s got a chance with Kim, because bitch has a type:
Simpson joked to a pal, “She likes black ball players, I am a Hall of Famer — and I still have my Heisman award,” a dig at Kardashian’s former boyfriend Reggie Bush, who gave back his college football Heisman trophy after it came to light of some unethical dealings he was involved during his college playing days.
And according to the source, it doesn’t matter that Kim is kurrently married to Kanye West; O.J. is eligible for parole in 2017 and he’s already fixin’ on becoming Husband #7 if he’s let out (I think it’s safe to assume that Kim will have been married another 4 times between now and 2017).
“As long as I am in prison, I can’t be with her, so Kanye can have her for now. But when I get out she’s mine.”
Damn, even Marky Mark in Fear is like “Take it easy Juice, you’re coming off a little crazy.” But the thing that’s making me crawl into the fetal position is that Pimp Mama Kris is probably back at Kastle Kardashian weighing out the pros and cons as we speak. “Pro: Publicity. Con: It’s O.J. Simpson. Pro: Attention. Con: Still O.J. Simpson. Hmmm…this is a tough one.”
And here’s the rotten road apple of O.J. Simpson’s eye in the Hamptons having lunch with Khloe Kardashian (who almost flashed us her Wookiee pouch) and the come-to-life Salacious B. Crumb Jonathan Cheban.
The Kardashians Are Refusing To Keep Shooting Because They Think The KUWTK Krew Is Stealing From Them
Ever since a sticky-fingered bandit made off with $54,000 of Kourtney Kardashian’s kash from her home and $250,000 worth of Khloe Kardashian’s jewellery from her house, Kim Kardashian and her krew of skanky sisters have kalled it kwits on filming the tenth season of Keeping Up With A Family of Talentless Trash because they think the burglaries were an inside job.
TMZ says that The Narcoleptic Hooker Queen, KhloTron-2000, and the slow one who humps on Scott Disick are convinced that the person pilfering their cash and joo-rey is one of the poor souls assigned to follow them around with a camera. A source close to the girls (one of the many johns with a Pimp Mama Kris’s Diskount Hookers Loyalty Kard) claims that Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe all hired extra security and installed more surveillance cameras, but Kourtney still got her shit lifted in the Hamptons earlier this month. Now they’re refusing to continue filming their dumb reality show until producers try to weed out their thieves by forcing the crew to take lie detector tests. Quickly God, use your magic powers to destroy every single polygraph test in the universe!
There’s no need to call The Maury Show just yet; let’s see if I can’t use my powers of deduction to finger the culprit. It’s definitely not any of the crew; they’re all compensated handsomely by Lucifer for taking the jobs nobody else wants and have no need to steal cash. Missing jewelry would lead me to believe it was that glamorous bitch Bruce Jenner, but as if he’d ever be caught dead in last season’s rhinestones. Thousands of dollars in stolen cash would lead me to believe it was their deadbeat sock-hustling brother, but stealing would require his lazy ass to leave the house, so it’s not him. That only leaves…NORTH WEST! Of course! She’s probably stockpiling cash and jewellery in preparation for the day she can get her tiny hands on a fake passport and flee to a tiny island off the coast of Madagascar.
And here’s the silicone-stuffed sedated former porn star taking some time out of her busy schedule of nothing and nothing to pose for the paps in two different outfits.
If a red bandanna hanging out of a back pocket means you’re into fisting, then what does an entire coat made from red bandannas mean? You know what, don’t answer that.
Former porn star, Playboy model, failed tone-deaf pop star, and diet pill spokesperson Kim Kardashian recently admitted to People that the nine times her current husband Kanye West has woken up beside her, he’s been disappointed the living Real Doll laying in a deep Botoxed slumber beside him doesn’t have piss-kissed blonde hair anymore. Even though though she could always put on a cheap wig, Kim says it’s not the same; Kanye wants to play dress-up with Barbie, NOT Teresa!
“Kanye likes the blonde. But I think I’m going to stay dark. I was talking about this yesterday actually with Kanye. He asked if I would ever go back to blonde. I was like, ‘Not right after a baby, because my face was so swollen and it looked like my lips were huge’. My face was just off.”
“My face was just off.”
NEWSFLASH HOOKER, YOUR HAIR COLOR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! Don’t throw blonde hair under the bus because you can’t stop stuffing collagen into your duck-lipped dick receiver and injecting Botox into every pore in your face! Aside from that, I don’t believe Kanye ever told Kim he liked her better as a blonde. Kanye would NEVER give someone else a compliment! He probably said: “Kanye West looks very good when Kanye West is standing next to something with blonde hair.”
And I love how she says “Not right after baby” as if she’s planning for a second baby. “You don’t even look after the one you already have!” – is what North West would say to Kim if they were ever in the same room together. NO! That’s not true! Kim is a great mother who totally spends time with North West. See? Here’s Kim and North doing some mommy-daughter bonding at the airport together! Sure, North has the type of terrified look on her face that says she’s searching for an Air Marshal (“Halp! I’m being kidnapped by a sedated stripper!”), but they’re totally technically spending time together!
Aspiring discount Barbra Streisand impersonator Lea Michele is only 27-years-old, but for some reason she decided to show up to the Teen Choice Awards – an award show for teens – last night looking like a horny wine-guzzling 45-year-old recently divorced mother of two named Nikki (real name: Laura) who just got kicked out of the bar at The Cheesecake Factory for pretending to give a bottle of ketchup a hand job and offering to show the bus boys her new lips. “Guess which ones? Wink! Hey, whaddaya mean I have to leave!? I’m not even finished my Typhoon Punch yet!”
I do sincerely love that Lea Michele is embracing her inner “former stripper turned Tampa tanning salon assistant manager”, because cheap n’ slutty is always the look, but she’s not totally committing to it. Are those her natural nails? Egads, NO! The only time a middle-aged Bebe-wearing MILF mess leaves the house without thick acrylic porn star blow job nail tips is when she’s on her way to get new ones put on. And why is her neck so bare? Someone check the red carpet for a silver-plated “Tiffanee & Co.” chain choker ($1.99 at the swap meet when you buy a knock-off Coach wristlet) with a heart-shaped dog tag that has the word “SEXXY” engraved on the back, because clearly it fell off when she tried to dry hump the surfboard.
Here’s more of Lea Michele at the Teen Choice Awards looking like the kind of day-drunk mom who runs upstairs and changes into a bikini when her teenage son’s friends come over after school, as well as girl group Fifth Harmony (who all look like $2 budget mall rat perfection), Nina Dobrev, Selena Gomez, Frankie Grande’s less-famous sister, Zendaya doing what she thinks is an homage to Madonna, and a couple of random call girls from Calabasas.
And now for the kontinuing saga of Kanye West vs. The Paparazzi. Yesterday, TMZ began releasing the details of Kanye West’s messy deposition in the case of him smacking the shit out of a pap, starting with an embarrassingly ignorant quote from Kanye comparing his actions against the paparazzi to the black civil rights movement of the 60s (Dr. Donda West, stop whatever fun angel shit you’re doing in heaven and come get your son). Today, TMZ has released more from Kanye’s deposition, and – surprise surprise – it’s the same stinky shit, different delusional pile. Color me a Kim Kardashian shade of shocked (PANTONE 138C – Dirty Sunset).
Nate Goldberg, the pap’s lawyer and Kanye’s current object of cunty affection, asks him once again to explain the lyrics from his pap-hating ballad “Flashing Lights”, this time the line: ”I hate these niggas more than a Nazi.” Goldberg asks Kanye: “So why did you say that you hate the paparazzi more than the Nazis?” and Kanye, who might actually be Justin Bieber in adult asshole disguise, smugly responds:
“Cause that’s what I wanted to say in that song.”
Goldberg then tries to explain that the Nazis were responsible for the murder of six million Jews, at which point Kanye’s lawyer Shawn Holley (aka LiLo’s old lawyer, which pretty much says EVERYTHING about Kanye’s level of intelligence) nervously interrupts Goldberg and tries to suggest they take a recess. Goldberg tells her to STFU and says he’s asking legitimate questions, but Kanye refuses to answer because Goldberg said the n-word again, even though he was directly quoting Kanye:
“But not legitimate to say nigga … ever … ever.”
I guess Kanye wasn’t yet tired of sounding like an obnoxious stupid spoiled teenager, because according to TMZ, he started drilling Nate Goldberg about the use of drones to get exclusive pics of some baby he sort-of knows named North West hanging out with her nannies:
“Is your daughter stalked by like drones? Are there drones flying where she’s trying to learn how to swim at age 1? Wouldn’t you like to just teach your daughter how to swim without a drone flying? What happens if a drone falls right next to her? Would it electrocute her? Could it fall and hit her if that paparazzi doesn’t understand how to remote control the drone over their house?”
Meanwhile, cut to his dumb hooker wife in the backyard of the Kardashian Kumpound with a giant sign painted on her lumpy billboard of an ass that reads “HEY DRONES, OVER HERE!” and texting one of the nannies to bring her “the kid”, while Pimp Mama Kris waves a set of LED airport traffic batons directing them to the area with the most overhead visibility.
Kanye West Says That The Celebrities Who Fight Back Against The Paparazzi Are The New Civil Rights Activists
Good news for those of you who like to start your morning off with a heaping helping of piping-hot delusion spit from the mouth of an obnoxious narcissist: TMZ has obtained a copy of Kanye West’s deposition in the case where he’s accused of whooping a pap and smashing his camera, and it’s truly Kanye at his most Kanye-iest. Which is to say, he comes across as an egotistical pampered asshole who chugs 2L bottles of liquid arrogance to stays hydrated. »