WARNING #1: If Sunday is the day you take a whorebbatical and try not to ingest anything fame whore-related, then keep it moving, because this is a Kartrashian post.
WARNING #2: If you haven’t read or seen Gone Girl and you don’t want to be spoiled, take your eyes somewhere else. You know, I shouldn’t have even left that warning, because sometimes nothing makes the tips of my nipples heat up like reading a hate mail from a mad bitch who condemns me to an afterlife as an ingrown hair on Lucifer’s dick shaft for spoiling some TV show or movie.
So, as Scott Disick makes plans to leave rehab in Costa Rica 14 days early because he’s already shot all the scenes needed for the very special “drying out” episode of Krapping on the Kartrashians, a fellow member of The We’ve Been Ruined By The Kartrashians Club pissed all over Kim Kartrashian and not in the way that she likes. Rob Kardashian (or as Pimp Mama Kris calls him “Who?”) unfollowed his entire family on Instagram today and threw up that picture of a blood-covered Amy from Gone Girl with this little note. What a close and loving family:
This is my sister kim , the bitch from Gone Girl,,,
Let’s see, one is a psychotic, scheming, dead-hearted manipulative bitch minion from HELL who only cares about herself and the other is Amy from Gone Girl.
Rob could be joking or PMK could’ve hacked into his account because she’s trying to make her STUNT quota for the week. Whatever the case may be, I don’t really get the comparison. If Amy was covered in yellow liquids in that picture, then I’d get it. Sure, they’re both crazy and heartless, but Kim makes Amy likable by comparison and Amy has something that Kim doesn’t have: a working brain. Kim’s brain stopped working when she made her in-house plastic surgeon Botox the wrinkles out. A wrinkly brain is just gross!
Knowing this mess of a family, that Instagram post is probably a paid sponsored ad to promote Gone Girl on DVD.
And here’s The Slow One and Khlozilla hosting different parties in Las Vegas yesterday.
During Kanye West’s lecture series on egotistical tricks with chronic narcissistic personality disorder at Oxford University last week (working title: Kanye’s Thoughts), Kanye claimed that he has a super-special friendship with President Barack Obama by saying “Obama calls the home phone, by the way.” However, during an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Thursday night, President Obama sort of pulled a Mimi-style I don’t know him by saying that he’s only met Kanye twice and he doesn’t think he has his home phone number, thus confirming that Kanye is still a giant ball of delusional crazy and all is right with the world.
UPDATE: Shirley said on Facebook that she wasn’t talking about Kanye West, but was talking about some non-famous “industry insider.” So Shirley decided to blast some no namer on Facebook and not name names while doing so. Shirley IS your passive-aggressive cousin.
Kanye West doesn’t know what that smashed paper bag lunch, wood and Lucite trophy is for, but he still wishes he could take a time machine back to that moment and snatch that award out of Shirley Manson’s hands so that he can give it to a true artist like Beyonce.
Last month, the Internet stood and slow clapped for Shirley Manson after she tore a new one into Kanye West (Calm down and pull your chonies back up, Riccardo Tisci, I didn’t mean that literally) for spitting out some nonsensical shit about artistry and for saying that the Best Album of the Year Grammy should’ve went to Beyonce instead of Beck. Well, I guess Kanye clapped back at Shirley in an email he sent to her privately, because she has Crisco’d up her face, put on all her rings and dragged him again on Facebook. Shirley could’ve responded to the private email with a private email, but that wouldn’t be fun and she wouldn’t get any attention from it. So she wrote this mystery trick an open letter on Facebook.
But wait, I thought Madonna thinks that she’s the black Madonna, which is why she thinks it’s cool to throw around “#disnigga.”
While sitting on a chaise covered with the skin of Giorgio Armani, Madge talked to the NYDN to pimp out Rebel Heart. Madge talked about showing her seasoned ass cheeks at the Grammys and said that she works really hard for that ass and that she’ll show her ass if she wants to. She likes to kick, stretch, kick and show her ass. She’s FIFTY…six. Madge also let Lady CaCa, RiRi and those other pop hos know that they’re not next in line for the Queen of Pop crown. That crown is going to go to Kanye West, because Madge thinks he’s the black Madonna. I know it’s Sunday and you’re probably all out of energy and cannot bust out another eye roll, but this little dingle may force you to do the eyeball roll just one more time.
“Kanye is the new Madonna,” she tells the Daily News. “Kanye is the black Madonna.”
Madonna says she and Kanye have talked about their shared flair for pushing people’s buttons. “We know, and recognize, that we have that in common,” she says. “We’re comrades in the envelope-pushing genre.”
Never mind that the only button Madge has been pushing lately is the one marked “eye roll inducer,” she’s kind of right about Kanye and her being cut from the same cloth. I mean, both of them live in an out-of-touch fart bubble of delusion and their heads are currently taking up permanent residency up their asses. So yeah, they’re kind of the same. But Kanye isn’t going to like being called the black Madonna. To Kanye, Kanye isn’t the black Madonna. Madonna is the white Kanye, just like Jesus is the Jewish Kanye and the Sun is the star Kanye and the moon is the satellite Kanye and God is the cloud Kanye!!
And here’s the black Madonna with his dress-up Real Doll (and my daily dose of HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHA) in Paris yesterday.
Pics: Splash, Getty
If life is Pretty Woman, then we are all Vivian Ward and Kanye West is the snobby blonde saleslady.
Okay, so remember earlier this week when Kim’s Kurrent Husband gave a next-level bonkers lecture at Oxford University and said “Clothing should be like food. There should never be a $5000 sweater. You know what should cost $5000? A car” and we were all “That’s rich coming from the same asshole who tried to sell a plain white t-shirt for $120“. Well, High Snobriety (via Refinery29) has the pricing information from Kanye’s recent Mugatu-meets-a bootleg DVD copy of Center Stage fashion collection for Adidas and – surprise surprise – it’s as expensive as hell.
“Entry level” pieces like hoodies and sweatshirts start at around $420. Knitwear, like the hole-covered sweaters above, range between $860 to $1600. Outerwear, like the camo jacket Kim Kardashian wore to the show, will start around $1700 and go up to $3800. Footwear starts at $200; Kanye’s version of a duck boot is almost $500. High Snobriety says that Kanye’s shitty klothing is priced so high because it’s all made in Italy at some of the world’s best factories using the finest material. It’s true! I heard the wool used to make Kanye’s ripped-up sweaters comes from a rare imported sheep-creature native to a faraway galaxy called oh wait no, it comes from a normal fucking sheep.
I stopped I CAN’T-ing with Kanye a long long time ago, but this is too damn much. It’s one thing to sell a jacket for nearly $4000 and be like “whatever, it’s $4000 – deal with it”, but to rant about clothing being too expensive and how society is lead by greedy types and that cars should cost $5000 and how there should never be a $5000 sweater is BEYOND. Is Kanye that much of a delusional out-of-touch asshole that he thinks $5000 for a sweater is too much, but $1600 isn’t? Wait, don’t answer that – I already know the answer.
Speaking of things that cost a lot of money and look cheap as hell, here’s Kanye’s My Size Tiffany Taylor doll in Paris earlier today wearing a pair of grey stretch pants that make her ass look like a low-budget Cloud Gate (no offense to Anish Kapoor):
Pics: Wenn.com, Splash
As with most pictures of Kim Kartrashian, my first reaction to this is:
My second reaction is to slow clap for Kanye West, because just when I think there’s no way he can make his dress-up silicone mannequin doll look more ridiculous, he proves me wrong. Kanye really has a gift for turning nearly everything he touches into busted fuckery. I see him throwing a side-eye that says, “I can’t believe this bitch believed me when I said that bleaching her hair with Sally Hansen creme bleach is high fash-un.”
Kim showed up to the Balmain show in Paris today looking like what you’d get if you mashed up a picture of a drowned, malnourished Afghan hound and a picture of one of the Matrix twins in MorphThing.com. She looks like the least popular and cheapest Rita Ora impersonator (and Rita Ora is already the least popular and cheapest RiRi impersonator). The look is very “piss on Kum.”
In short: I love it!
Yes, that is the O face Pimp Mama Kris made after she drew a pentagram (that’s her official signature) in blood on her new contract with E!. I understand if you need to clear your cookies, shut down your browser, turn off your laptop and dip it in holy water while vowing to never ever think of Dlisted again. I deserve it for throwing this dark-sided, unholy shit at you.
Page Six says that this country’s nightmare has been extended for another 4 years. Pimp Mama Kris has once again earned the title of Pimp of the Year by brokering a “record breaking” deal worth $100 million. PMK’s wax-covered, Botox-filled ATMs including Kummy Kakes, Khlozilla, The Slow One, Kendull and Kylie Jenner are all part of the deal. Bruce Jenner is not and neither is that one who lives under the stairs and only scurries out to grab a sandwich or a cupcake left on the kitchen island. I forgot his name and I’m sure they have too. Page Six says this deal is the biggest in reality shit show history.
The deal that is making the flames in Hell rise higher covers at least 4 more seasons of Keeping Up with the Kartrashians as well as new seasons of those Kourtney and Khloe Take (insert the name of the poor city they’re terrorizing here) shows. Thanks to E!’s deal with the devil, Khlozilla will continue to do red carpet stuff for them, Kummy Kakes will produce her own shows and PMK may open up a Kartrashian channel on YouTube. The source also spit out these fightin’ words:
“You’ll be seeing a lot more of the Kardashian family. This is a huge deal, which will see their involvement with the network and its digital properties expand well into the future.”
So that’s why I heard a high-pitched cackle echo through the land this morning. It was Ryan Seacrest, that evil midget minotaur with a blonde wig covering his whittled down horns, cackling as even more gold coins filled his pot.
This deal isn’t surprising. PMK has the E! exclamation point wrapped around her claw. If E! didn’t have the Kartrashians, what would they do? Greenlight a cooking show hosted by Giuliana Rancic? This world. It really is a sad day in America when Krapping Up on the Kartrashians is renewed for 4 more seasons and yet quality television like Flavor of Love isn’t on the air anymore.
And here’s Kim dressed like a day-shift Hunts Point hooker circa 1991 (no offense to day-shift Hunts Point hookers circa 1991) while going to the Brit Awards with Kanye yesterday.
After finding it difficult to breathe due to the thick truth-scented fart cloud floating around their house courtesy of Amber Rose, some of the Kardashian girls decided to get some fresh air by fleeing to Montana for a ski vacation. Unfortunately, TMZ says that while driving around Bozeman earlier today, Kim Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, Kylie Jenner, and North West ended up in a ditch after the vehicle they were driving hit a patch of black ice and skidded into oncoming traffic.
According to TMZ, a semi-truck drove past their GMC Yukon and splashed a ton of snow onto their windshield, which made it impossible for Khloe, who was driving the four of them, to see where she was going and she started swerving like Toonces the Cat. That’s when the vehicle hit a patch of ice and spun out of control, sliding into oncoming traffic and then ending up in the ditch. Poor North; I bet the second the car started swerving she threw up her hands like “Are you kidding me? The ONE day I spend with my mother instead of the nannies. Typical.”
Even though their accident sounds like some dramatic shit, Kim, Khloe, Kylie, and North West are all fine and there’s no damage to the vehicle. And before you go booking some nigh school driver’s ed classes for Khloe, cops say the roads around Bozeman are super icy today and there have been a number of similar accidents.
Winter weather car accidents are no joke, so even though I detest these cash-humping hookers with every fibre of my being, I’m glad everyone is OK and nobody got hurt. But still, if I were them, I’d probably let someone else do the driving for the next 7 days. First Bruce Jenner’s accident, now this? February is truly not the month when it comes to the Kardashian family and their kars.
Amber Rose finally aimed and fired at her ex-piece Kanye West for saying during an interview with The Breakfast Club this morning that no woman wants to be with a man who has been with her and he had to take 30 showers before getting with Kim Kartrashian. Amber squirted a load of hypocrisy into Kanye’s face by reminding him that his precious wife, whom he had to cleanse himself for, once let Brandy’s brother bust a spoonful of man chowder on her in a sex tape.
Wait 30 showers? But Kim let RayJ nut on her…. Never mind.
— Amber Rose (@DaRealAmberRose) February 20, 2015
After that tweet, I brought out the popping topping and began making a giant bowl of popcorn, because I thought Amber Rose was going to let all the emotions out and read every inch of Kanye. Amber pulled out her dick, slapped our b-holes with it and stuck the tip in just a little with this tweet:
@kanyewest This is my moment to let the world know who u really are and the things you've done to me.
— Amber Rose (@DaRealAmberRose) February 20, 2015
But then she pulled out:
@kanyewest after all these years I never snitched on u and I don't plan on starting now. We once loved each other so I won't do u like that.
— Amber Rose (@DaRealAmberRose) February 20, 2015
That teasing ass trick! My body and soul was ready for her to spill it all and expose Kanye. Screw taking the high road or whatever. The high road doesn’t lead to us finding out some ESCANDALOSO shit like how she and Kanye never boned and how he cuddles with a Riccardo Tisci Real Doll every night and how he secretly hates Apple products so his laptop is an Acer in MacBook Air clothing.
Amber went on to tweet that she’ll let the Kartrashians destroy him when they’re done using him and she knows that she and Kummy Kakes are basically making money the same way, but the difference is she doesn’t think she’s better than anyone:
I’ll leave that up to the Kartrashians to humiliate u when they’re done with u. I’m always so quiet and just a cool fun girl. The funny thing is I’m all for a woman making something out of nothing. Ppl make mistakes in life trust me I have. But when u bully other ppl and ur not perfect its so fucked. I own up to every piece of my life.
That’s nice and everything, cool fun girl, but now I have blue balls. Way to tease.
If you listened to Kanye West’s interview with Power 105.1′s The Breakfast Club this morning, you’re probably pulling out the dried bullshit dingles and corroded nuggets of delusion that he spewed into your ears. Kanye was on a roll. Kanye basically confirmed and applauded 25-year-old Tyga fucking on his 17-year-old sister-in-law Kylie Jenner and said that he needed to cleanse himself of Amber Rose’s filthy whoriness after dating her. I mean…