The current President of Delusion and future President of the United States, Kanye West, is supposed to perform at a Democratic National Committee fundraiser in San Francisco next month, because I’m guessing he’s going to try to destroy the Democrats from the inside so Ben Carson, the presidential candidate that makes his b-hole tingle, gets the presidency and will make him VP. Or better yet, Secretary of Sweatshirts. But Page Six says that the DNC is ready for Kanye and will tell him to stick to rapping and to keep his opinions about the country to himself.
In the never-ending real-life episode of American Whorror Story: Koven, Kim Kartrashian’s fame whore powers are weakening as Kylie Jenner’s fame whore powers grow stronger, and she’s okay with that. So she says. Kim, Kylie, Khlozilla and Kendall Jenner all have apps for sale. I’m not really sure what’s in the apps, because it’s against my religious beliefs to pay $2.99 for a Kartrashian app. Kylie’s app is selling the most and so she may be well on her way to overtaking Kim’s spot as Pimp Mama Kris’ main ho.
UsWeekly says that in a segment on Kylie’s website called “You’re In Bed With Kim + Kylie” (too easy), the hollow vessels of plastic had a “conversation” (for lack of a better word) about how PMK’s youngest is close to snatching the fame whore krown off of Kim’s Botoxed mannequin head. Kim asked Kylie, “How do you feel now that you have dethroned me?” When Kylie didn’t say anything (and probably because she had just filled her Fix-A-Flat lips and couldn’t open them to speak), Kim dribbled this out:
“I love it, like, I love it. I need some time off. I mean honey, let’s be real, you’ve got to put in a few more years before you actually dethrone me. But I give my baton to you. Who better to pass on knowledge to my baby sister, rather than a random non-family member.”
Yes, Kim really needs time off, because doing absolutely nothing is exhausting. Kummy Kakes went on…
“You guys, this is amazing. I give Kylie all my tricks, I give her all my tips. I give her everything, and more. She is so, like, deserving. If I would want anyone to follow in my footsteps, anyone to borrow my clothes, anyone to like share my glam team it is Kylie, King Kylie.”
“I give her all my tips.” Why am I picturing Kim on all fours on a tarp, showing Kylie how to take a golden shower in a sex tape as Pimp Mama Kris pours lemonade on her ass? And I bet late at night in Buckingham Palace when THE QUEEN and Prince Charles are having a kiki in her bedroom, they have conversations that go exactly like that.
And here’s a SANS FARDS-ish Kylie actually looking 18 while doing stuff with PedoTurtle the other day.
When Donald Trump wins the presidential election next year, there’s a good chance hell will swallow the country whole, but if that doesn’t happen, Kanye West plans to run for president in 2020. Some of us took Kanye West’s presidential announcement at the VMAs as a joke from a professional troll. Others took it as a fact since being beyond delusional is a quality many presidential candidates possess. Besides, Donald Trump is still at the top of the polls, which has proven to us that nightmares can become real-life and anything is possible.
It says everything when soulless grand dame of the Death Eaters, Anna Wintour, would rather pay attention to a human child than pay attention to the ~fashuns~ in front of her. To Anna Wintour, North West is like a cat at a boring party. She’s so happy that child is there to distract her from the dumb, boring shit going on around her. Mark this day as the first day in history when Anna Wintour is happy to see a child she isn’t about to suck the life out of.
Kanye West wasn’t supposed to butt squirt out his latest collection of overpriced post-apocalyptic rags for Adidas during New York Fashion Week, but since his throbbing pus-filled ego will deflate if he doesn’t take every opportunity to get as much attention as possible, he decided at the last-minute to do a show. Two designers who were scheduled to show at the same time Kanye suddenly decided to show weren’t happy, because they knew he would overshadow them. One designer decided to show anyway and the other rescheduled.
I don’t know why those designers are bitching. They need to shut the hell up and be thankful that his highness Kanye allowed them to show at Fashion Week in the first place. I mean, New York Fashion Week may as well be called New York Kanye Week since Kanye IS Fashion. Besides, I doubt those designers’ collections are as innovative, forward and avant-garde as what Kanye queefed out. And of course I mean the opposite of that since this year’s collection was as bland and basic as last year’s.
— adidas (@adidas) September 16, 2015
They all look like sad used condoms.
Kanye’s kollection for Adidas is perfect for rich bitches who want to waste a lot of money to look like a malnourished desert hobo on the planet Tatooine or like a Walking Dead zombie who teaches aerobics. But what do I know about fasihon? How can I judge Kanye’s genius designs when I’m sitting here wearing a droopy tank top and baggy beige sweatshorts. Oh, wait…
And now here’s something from the department of: MOTHERFUCK WHY, HILLARY, WHY!!!!?!!!!!
Last month, Hillary Clinton took a selfie and talked with the President of the United States of Yeezus, Kanye West, and his plastic creation Kim Kartrashian at a fundraiser , because I guess she figured that the golden showers lovers demographic is still a demographic she can get votes from. That selfie scared me more than a closed sign on an In-N-Out, but Hillary’s gotta hustle and believe it or not, the Kartrashians kult is full of brainwashed followers who will do whatever they say (proof: the fact that they still exist). But Hillary went too, too far last night…
The knocked-up talking Malibu Stacy doll (“Thinking is hard. Let’s go shopping”) known as Kim Kardashian made an appearance at Givenchy’s first-ever NYFW show last night, because of course she did. She was probably dropping off Kanye West’s overnight bag to Riccardo Tisci’s assistant and decided “What the hell, I might as well stick around and see what kind of foolery Kanye will be replacing my wardrobe with.”
Apparently the Givenchy show was a tribute to 9/11 and it opened with a one-hour art performance thing directed by Marina Abramovic. Which sort of explains why Kim showed up looking like she did; you gotta work extra hard for attention when you’re up against all that. I don’t know what look Kim was going for – excuse me – what look Kanye was going for, but I’m guessing either ‘dancer from a The Craft-themed strip club in mourning after her favorite client died’ or ‘slutty drawing of a Victorian-era hot air balloon.’
But really, I have no idea what is going on in the stomach area of Kim’s outfit. It looks like her pregnant belly is awkwardly trying to cover itself up with those panties. Although to be honest, if I were that baby and I found out the person I’m living in went out in public looking like that, I’d try to hide too.
Regardless of whatever I’m looking at, I do know there’s a very angry Pimp Mama Kris Jenner storming around the Kardashian Khompound, demanding to know who took the curtains from her boudoir.
Here’s more of Kim in Morticia Addams cosplay (if all cosplay items were dug out of a dumpster behind a Frederick’s of Hollywood’s outlet store, of course) at the Givenchy show with Riccardo’s #1 fan, Kanye.
One of the word nuggets Kanye West squeezed out during his next-level insane “I’m running for President in 2020” Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award speech last night was a tiny clump of stinky shade that you know he’s been saving for just such an occasion. While talking about…fuck, who even knows, Kanye aimed his ass over to Justin Timberlake’s direction and ripped a hot one about watching JT cry himself a river when he lost Album of the Year to the Dixie Chicks at the 2006 Grammy Awards. Yes, Kanye is that girl at a sleepover who looks at you during the bee scene in My Girl and loudly asks “Are you crying???”
“And bro, Justin, I ain’t trying to put you on blast, but I saw that man in tears, bro. You know, and I was thinking like, he deserved to win Album of the Year.”
Well, guess who didn’t appreciate being put “on blast” for his sad, salty tears? That’s right, Kanye’s bro Justin Timberlake. Shortly after Kanye outed him for crying over a stupid trophy, a butthurt Justin hopped on Twitter to swat back.
Kanye is so cute, y'all.
— Justin Timberlake (@jtimberlake) August 31, 2015
Eventually, Joey Fatone was able to calm Justin down by stroking his hair and whispering “I know, I know“, and Justin returned with some nicer words.
Jokes, you guys… Jokes. #chill
— Justin Timberlake (@jtimberlake) August 31, 2015
Btw… I JUST watched my man 'Ye's FULL speech… He always has a point. And I support it. #truth
— Justin Timberlake (@jtimberlake) August 31, 2015
Oooh, you know how I know he’s still a little mad? He called him “my man” and not “bro.” It’s okay, JT – let it out, buddy. Don’t be ashamed of those tears!
In the event you didn’t get enough of Kim Kardashian’s tits looking like a pair of TruckNutz in an elegant lace-up satin pouch, here’s Kim and Kanye leaving dinner after the VMAs last night.
If you’re reading this and you watched all of the MTV VMAs tonight, then congratulations, you survived Kanye West’s 15-hour-long speech, which was a cross between “mentally ill person cursing at everyone on the subway at 7am” and a stoned Stuart Smalley’s TED Talk.
Taylor Swift presented Kanye West with his Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Sward tonight, because duh, and when he got a hold of that mic, he took us on a journey from WTF to STFU. Kanye shit on the idea of “pitting” artists against artists and even took a messy, sloppy diarrhea on MTV for advertising that Taylor Swift was going to present him with his award. (In MTV’s defense, they never announced that the yodeling broomstick was going to present Kanye with his award.) Kanye’s anti-award show speech was a rambling mess of WHAT, and what distracted me most was the fact that I dressed up more for the VMAs than Kanye did. (FYI: I wore stained shorts and a Dollywood t-shirt while watching the VMAs.)
At the end of Kanye’s word salad of a speech, he announced that he’s running for President in 2020. Somewhere, Ray-J’s boomerang dick felt really good about itself, because in the future, it will be able to say that it once pissed on the First Lady.
— MTV (@MTV) August 31, 2015
And of course, Donald Trump just had to tweet this:
Who does Kanye think he is running for president? What experience does he have? None.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonldTrump) August 31, 2015
I think we’re all overdosing on irony.
UPDATE: Thank you to everyone who pointed out that Trump account is a fake Trump account. But yes, Trump probably thought that for real and yes, I am 100% S.O.B.E.R (So Obviously Blasted & Enormously Ripped).
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
Many of us dry barfed for days when a song from Tyga called “Pleazer” was spat up onto the Internet and we listened to him bragging about doing statutory rape shit and rapping about drinking vagina juice in the morning like it’s orange juice. (Surprisingly, Tropicana hasn’t used “Pleazer” in a commercial yet.) The shell-less turtle tried to act like those poetic lyrics weren’t about his girlfriend Kylie Jenner, but his mouth is a bona fide lie machine, so nobody believed his denials. Since Tyga knows that the only time people pay attention to his music is when he raps about humping on newly legal Kylie, he did it again.
As Gawker points out, Tyga recently butt squirted out a new mixtape called Fuk What They Talkin Bout and on it is a song called $tiumlated. In that song, Tyga’s mouth dribbled out these words (Warning: These lyrics may make your genitals run up into your body):
They say she young
She should have waited
She a big girl, dawg, when she stimulated
And a little later on in the song, he brought the grossness again by dropping this dingle:
She a big girl dawg,
I’m puttin’ in,
Yeah I’m penetrating
So poetic. So pure. Tyga should use his talents to write a musical. Woody Allen can write the book for it, Roman Polanski can direct and Subway Jared can provide the catering during rehearsals. Josh Duggar already has his credit card out and is waiting to buy a ticket.
Pimp Mama Kris must be so proud and that was served without one ounce of sarcasm. I’m sure she temporarily took her mouth off of the virgin she feeds off of to text Kylie with: “Awww, my little moneymaker is inspiring great musicians. Proud of u and don’t forget to tell Tyga that I’ll take my 50% cut in cash.”
And here’s the blueprint for Kylie’s life leaving a restaurant yesterday.
In a momentous occasion (not really), Caitlyn Jenner allowed herself to be selfied with her ex Kris Jenner for the first time since her transition. Caitlyn’s step-irritant, worst-selling author Kim Kardashian, built an Instagram bridge between the two. You can almost see Pimp Mama Kris’ glistening intestine lips about to burst off her face due to the pressure-cooked jealous rage within.
Caitlyn is the epitome of grace and class (when she’s not killing people) and the gift of her photographic presence to Kris is an object lesson in generosity, or something. Because PMK has done little but try and destroy Caitlyn’s rebirth from the get-go. It didn’t work. And her ex looks more sumptuous in the mug and mop than she ever will! Eat it, hag!
Caitlyn extended her graciousness by hugging Kris goodbye after the party (see the vid below). Caitlyn went off to declare herself the new Queen of Social Media and Kris returned to the bubbling kauldron of hate she’s utilizing for a Satanic rite to voodoo Caitlyn from everyone’s collective memory.
This went down at Kylie Jenner’s first of too many 18th birthday celebrations at Nobu in Malibu yesterday. The whole klan was there. TMZ reports that Tyga bought his mature business woman/home-owner girlfriend Kylie Jenner a Mercedes-Benz SUV in cherry red. These girls must be a veritable party when they’re told “no.” (UPDATE from Michael: That custom G-wagon from Tyga was a recycled gift. It used to belong to his baby mother Blac Chyna. Awkward!)