It’s Monday, so you might as well start stretching your eye roll muscle and prepare it for a week’s worth of eye rolling by scanning Kanye West’s latest cold puddle of verbal wet shit. Seen above looking like a constipated, bitchy toddler throwing a pout tantrum after you tell him he can’t wear his favorite black leather jogging pants, Kuntye farted at the mouth to GQ about his stupid wedding, stupid fashion shit and how Kim Kartrashian is the greatest thing to happen to the world. Most of us are so used to Kanye filling our heads with dried dingles of delusion, so he said, “I AM LIKE THE JEWS AND THE PAPARAZZI ARE LIKE HITLER,” we’d just roll our eyes a little to the left and continue chewing our breakfast sandwich. Kanye doesn’t compare the paparazzi to Hitler, but he does say that being a celebrity today is like being black in the 1960s. Either I wasn’t totally paying attention during the lesson on the Civil Rights Movement in the 6th grade or Kanye’s brain has been switched with that of a dead sloth, because I somehow missed the part where black people were given Givenchy gowns to wear to their protests and instead of getting attacked by police dogs and beaten by racists, they had their picture taken and were asked to sign autographs. I was taught wrong! The American education system is really leaving every child behind. Kuntye should be named Secretary of Education, so he can teach the children how history really went.
As soon as the interview starts, Kanye opens up his insufferable delusion dispenser and he completely loses me. I have no idea what he’s talking about most of the time and I smoke weed. Spam emails make sense to me. Kanye dribbles out some shit about the wedding, being a blowfish and Carine Roitfeld . If you really want to hurt your brain, you can read the entire interview here. I’ve thrown up a few highlights (and by “highlights” I mean “lowlights“) after the cut. WARNING: A severe flash flood of delusion and insanity is ahead:
File Under “BARF”: Brody Jenner Admits That Seeing Kim’s Half-Naked Tits On Vacation Gave Him A Semi
Any good will Brody Jenner sustained from ditching Kim Kardashian’s shameless pre-divorce ceremony just been completely thrown out the window. On a recent episode of Keeping Up With The Klassless Kall Girls, Brody Jenner “accidentally” walked in on The Narcoleptic Hooker Queen and her assistant in the middle of an Instagram photo shoot on the family’s vacation on Thailand. One of the rules in Kim’s contract with Satan states that she can’t take a picture without showing off her tits or ass, but since she was on a vacation with her family, she had to find a tasteful way to do it. So what did that clever slut do? She wrapped herself in a cheap white tablecloth from the dollar store and called it a dress.
Unfortunately, she “forgot” to wear underwear underneath, and Brody ended up getting an eyeful of his step-sister’s Botoxed nipples and porn star pussy. Kim quickly covered her rode-hard put-away never bits and told him to get out (nobody gets to see Kim’s moneymakers without forking over some cash to Pimp Mama Kris first). Brody ran to tell his brother and sister-in-law what he’d just seen, but instead of screaming for them to get a jug of bleach and a blow-torch while he collapsed into the fetal position and started cry-singing “Amazing Grace”, he admitted that seeing a half-naked melted off-brand Bratz doll turned him on. How much?
”Maybe just a half-chub.”
Never has the word “maybe” grossed me out more than it does at this moment. And I’m not grossed out by the fact that he got a semi-hard boner from seeing his hooker-looking tramp step-sister wearing a stripper dress. Well, I mean, I am, because that’s some
Flowers Skanky Weeds in the Attic bullshit. No, I’m more offended that he would use the word “chub”. EW! The only thing worse would be if he had gone full-disgusting and said “chubby” (or its less-shameful, but still gross cousin, “stiffy”). I don’t know where he learned such drunk jock language, but it certainly wasn’t from his father. Bruce Jenner is too classy to EVER call his erect penis something as distasteful as a “chub” (obviously he refers to it as his “trouser javelin“).
I hope they left a little room at the bottom of those jackets to paint the words “for the” and “publicity”, that way when their lawyer asks the reason why they’re filing for divorce, they can just turn around and point to their backs.
Yes, it’s that time again! Purgatory’s most famous attention-thirsty hooker, Kim Kardashian, is ready to slowly shuffle her hooves and waddle away from her latest husband. According to Radar, Kanye West has forced Kim to change from a vapid, soulless plastic robot into a self-aware vapid, soulless plastic robot, and that’s made her sadder than the time Khloe polished off the last of the Fix-A-Flat:
“Kim has totally morphed into the person that Kanye envisioned her to be,” the insider said. “She’s changed. From demanding Kim overhaul her wardrobe, to forcing her to hang out with his friends, Kanye has just completely taken over her life. Kim doesn’t have any interests of her own that Kanye doesn’t approve of.”
“He constantly scrutinizes Kim, and she’s constantly walking on eggshells around him,” the source claimed. “She begins every sentence with ‘Kanye thinks so and so,’ and ‘Kanye wants this and that.’”
“She tells everyone how happy she is with Kanye,” the source said. “But if that’s true, why does she look so sad all the time?”
Well, source, she looks sad because that’s what happens when you deep-six every muscle in your face by pumping it full of ten gallons of Botox every morning.
Then again, she probably looks so sad because she’s scared Kanye might try to come after her $85 million iPhone game fortune. Yes, that narcoleptic porn star mouth breather with a pile of coagulated NBA jizz for a brain made $85 million, and she didn’t even have to blow a sleazy foreign businessman in the back of a limo first! “My whore’s gone legit!” – Pimp Mama Kris.
Brody Jenner is giving me a little Tom Ford in the face, and yeah, I don’t hate it, but he had to go and ruin it all with the douche fingers. What a shame. Bruce Jenner must be so embarrassed that none of his children can even come close to achieving the same level of devastating flawless beauty as he.
But enough about immaculate earth angel Bruce Jenner; this is about the feud between his Drakkar Noir-scented douchebag son and his narcoleptic porn star step-daughter. Despite being THE premier showcase for reality show has-beens and never-wases, Brody Jenner didn’t attend Kim Kardashian’s biennial wedding ceremony last month because he was “busy”. Even though he didn’t fall out of Pimp Mama Kris’s fame whore hole, some of her stunt queen DNA must have rubbed off on him, because Brody made sure to drop everything he was doing (nothing is a thing you can do) to make a big show of attending the wedding of Kim’s ex-boyfriend Reggie Bush this weekend. Brody is about as subtle as the padding in a Kardashian’s ass.
Then on Monday, while Brody was walking the red carpet for the 9th Annual All-Star Celebrity Kickoff Party (we’re really playing fast and loose with the definition of the word “star”, aren’t we), he was asked if it was intentional that he skipped Kim’s dumb attention whore extravaganza. Instead of answering truthfully by saying “DUH! I’d rather get a root canal though my asshole”, Brody replied:
“Kim’s was in Paris. I was working. Kim was in Paris, and it’s as simple as that. So yeah, it’s kind of ridiculous that everybody’s making such a big deal out of it. Reggie’s been a friend of mine for a very long time. So it’s all good.”
Then he added: “Besides, it’s not a big deal. Kim will have many many many many more weddings that I can pretend I’m too busy to go to.”
Here’s more of Brody at the 9th Annual Not-Stars Celebrity-ish Kickoff Party on Monday night looking like what you’d see if you threw one of Ashton Kutcher’s nut hairs under a microscope:
“That’s nothing; she’s only spent 9 hours with me since I was born” – North West.
It seems that clever hooker Kim Kardashian has found a krafty way to make sure her latest sham of a marriage lasts longer than the previous one. According to Radar, Kim and her current husband Kanye West have only spent 9 days together since getting married 48 days ago, the majority of which were spent during their honeymoons. Ugh, remember how those assholes had two honeymoons? LOOKS LIKE IT WAS WORTH IT.
An “insider” (Pimp Mama Kris, do you ever take a break?) claims that Kim and Kanye have started living separate lives ever since Kanye discovered that his My Size Barbie only cares about Botox, herself, mirrors, herself, herself, herself, and Botox:
“Kanye now recognizes that Kim’s main interest are shopping and lounging around a pool,” the insider said. “It’s really concerning to Kanye that Kim doesn’t even want to try to experience new things.”
That’s not exactly fair; Kim tries plenty of new things. For starters, she’s sampled nearly every penis in the NBA. She’s always on the look-out for new black-market facial fillers. Not to mention how she tries a new husband every two years. Hell, she’s even trying to be a working mother, even though she neither works nor spends time with her child. If that’s not ambitious, I don’t know what is.
Besides, why does Kim need to spend time with Kanye right now? Filming for the 2-part KUWTK divorce episode doesn’t start for another couple of months.
And in case you need more pictures of Satan’s klassiest narcoleptic-faced hooker in your life, here’s Kim looking well-rested and alert at the Valentino show in Paris yesterday, as well as attending a Vogue party with the illiterate model one. Both times she decided to wear those sandals that make her feet look like stale loaves of challah, I see.
One of the half-digested ass raisins floating in the 20-minute-long diarrhea puddle that Kanye West shat out during his set at the Wireless Festival in London was about how he’s so sick of the paparazzi constantly “violating” him. Yes, this is the same paparazzi that his gutter tramp of a wife has listed under “favorites” in her iPhone above North West’s head nanny. While getting booed by the crowd who paid money to hear him rap and wasn’t there to listen to the heave-inducing whines coming out of the bruised anus slit he calls a mouth, Kanye brought up Brit Brit Spears’ paparazzi drama and then quoted the definition of “rape” from Kristen Stewart’s dictionary when he said that the paps taking his picture is just like getting sexually violated. I was going to say that Kanye’s Liberace gimp mask was obviously on too tight and squeezing his brain, but he always spits out fuckery like that with or without a Liberace gimp mask on. via The Independent
“I don’t care what you do in life, everybody needs a day off, everybody has the right to say, ‘You know what, I need a minute to breathe’. I want to bring my family to the movies without 30 motherfuckers following me. Everybody here, they like sex right? Sex is great when you and your partner are like, ‘Hey, this is what we both want to do’. But if one of those people don’t want to do that, what is that called? That’s called rape. That is called violation. So if I walk around and say look sir, I’m not feeling so good today, I need some space, can you please not fuck with me today? I need cut-off space, not violation.”
Even though this dried crotch berry gave us the definition of “rape,” I still don’t think he knows what that word really means. Nobody with a half a working brain cell would ever define the Kartrashian’s relationship with the paparazzi as “rape.” It is the complete opposite of “rape.” There’s nothing more opposite than that. If Kanye wants to compare paparazzi attention to “sex,” then I’d say that the Kartrashian’s dealings with the paps are more like a trick putting their address in a Craigslist casual encounters ad where they invite absolutely anybody to a full, blown orgy at their house. Kim getting papped is such a traumatic experience for her that she calls them all the time, texts them her exact location and then posts pictures from the “attack” on Instagram with hashtags like #Hermes.
And that wasn’t the only nugget of delusion that the former rapper turned full-time ranter barfed up:
“I want my daughter to have that opportunity to decide whether she wants to be famous or not. I think to myself, what the fuck am I going to do, how can I change it and how can I give my daughter her childhood?”
Says the level 10 attention whore who yanked at Anna Wintour’s asshole until she put his baby in Vogue, solely named his kid North West because he knew it would get them trending on Twitter and has a pimp-in-law who has already planned his daughter’s first scandal. Nothing says “I want a private family life” like procreating and marrying the fame whore of all fame whores.
And once PMK finishes cackling at Kanye’s cute, little “I want my daughter to decide whether she wants to be famous or not” comment, she’s going to try to smooth things over with the paps by calling each and every one of them to say, “He didn’t mean RAPE rape.”
Here’s Kim shooting her reality shit show in the Hamptons last week while spending time with the people she sees more than her own kid. No, I’m not talking about The Slow One and Lord Douche. I’m talking about the paps.
The hard-to-tweeze infected ingrown taint hair on the waxed no-no of the Kardashian family, Scott Disick, has shared a list of his “Summer Essentials” on the social media app Snupps (I’m positive Snupps is also the name of Walmart’s generic equivalent of Schweppes) and even though he didn’t fall from Pimp Mama Kris’s spoiled whore-droppin’ hole, his list proves he’s just as big of a tacky vapid vulgar shallow asshole as one of her own rotten krotch apples.
According to Us Weekly, Scott’s “must haves” while filming Slow One and The Beast Terrorize The Hamptons this summer are a $400,000 Lamborghini Aventador, a $32,000 Rolex Yacht-Master II watch, $20,000 worth of Louis Vuitton luggage, three pairs of $315 sunglasses, and a $150 pair of personalized swim trunks that say ‘A TINY PENIS RESIDES IN ME’. No, they say ‘LORD DISICK’ (they don’t have to say ‘tiny penis’ because the car does that for him).
Scott’s list of summer essentials is actually pretty modest; he could have asked for 10 Lamborghinis, a talking Shiba Inu, and his own private island on Mars, and PMK would have to give it to him because he’s such an integral part of the show. Without Scott’s manufactured drama, The Slow One would have nothing to do but stare off into space while looking like an even-more comatose version of Kim. Without Scott, Kourtney is totally useless. I mean, technically she’s useless with Scott too, but in terms of what she brings to the show…
And speaking of useless, here’s Kim, Kourtney, Scott, the model one who can’t read for shit, and Stephen Baldwin’s dum dum daughter at a carnival in the Hamptons. Poor Kim – literally every time she turned around, there was another carny informing her that carnivals no longer have Freak Shows, but that if she’s looking for work, they think the Ripley’s Believe It or Not! in Niagara Falls is hiring.
I always thought Wookiees were terrified of water, but Khloe Kardashian proved me wrong by renting out a party boat and celebrating her 30th birthday party cruising around the Hudson River in New York. All of Lucifer’s best hoes were in attendance: Pimp Mama Kris, the slow one, the other slow one, the slow one who can’t read. But the Botoxed belle of the ball was the always elegant and demure narcoleptic porn star and Playboy model Kim Kardashian.
Earlier in the day, Kim was seen sashaying around town looking like a busted $2 dildo, but she knew that simply stuffing her XXXL rubber ass into an XXS tube dress wouldn’t be enough to steal the spotlight from Khloezilla. So she changed into a tacky little number from the Fredrick’s of Hollywood ”Budget Brothel Madam” collection and made an eye-catching entrance with her over-inflated saline water balloons hanging out. Truly a dignified woman of refined taste and class.
Kim wouldn’t be Kim unless she was fucking something up (or just “fucking something”, really). Everyone was responsible for bringing an item to the party, and Kim’s job was to bring enough floatation devices in the event God heard our prayers and capsized the boat. Of course, Kim forgot she had to do anything but show up looking like a vacant piece of wax fruit, so her doctor only injected her with enough expandable foam to keep her buoyant in the event of an emergency. Thankfully, the birthday girl brought enough floatation devices for the whole family:
Here’s more of Kim looking like a slutty peacock (“Pee cock? Where?!? Mom, get the camera and a release form!” – Kim) and the rest of Pimp Mama Kris’s krotch ghouls arriving at Khloezilla’s 30th birthday party on Friday night, including some very touching pictures of Khloe and her current Shrek-looking famewhore piece French Montana. You know, for a mouth-breather who always looks like they’re two seconds away from barfing, Kim seemed very comfortable getting on that boat; probably because, just like boats, she also knows what it’s like to be filled with seamen.
I should punch my eyeballs until they pop, because when I saw these pictures as thumbnails on the photo agency’s website, I really thought it was Katie Price. How could I mistake this drop of dumpster syrup for the ethereal diamante rose who gave birth to the world’s most precious earth angel Harvey Price? If I ran into the ER, screamed at the doctors to please give me an eyeball transplant STAT and they asked me why, all I would have to say is, “I mistook Kim Kartrashian for Katie Price,” and they’d rush me to surgery immediately.
Today’s news (or what I consider “news“) is slower than Kourtney Kardashian, so it was either post about how I spent part of my night last night watching pimple popping videos on YouTube while eating a sandwich made of rice cakes and Fluff, or post this. I know, I should’ve went with the pimple popping videos. It would’ve been more fascinating and wouldn’t have left you with that gross feeling inside. But anyway, while the nannies took care of the precious bundle of rolled-up towels that Kim Kartrashian brought with her in a stroller to NYC, she once again got her hair bleached the color of the piss that hit her ass cheeks after Ray J drank about 3 or 4 glasses of water. The blond really brings out the plastic in Kim’s face and if she (and by “she” I mean Kanye since we all know he made this decision) is going for the “Japanese-made sex robot who was returned to the factory by its buyer for being too plastic-ey ” look, then she nailed it!
Ho is so orange that she looks like a greasy carrot covered in hay. QUICK! Somebody get Trace Cyrus out of his stable, lead him to Kim and tell him it’s lunchtime.
UPDATE: Shit is just a wig. I really should’ve listened to my inside voice and posted those pimple popping videos instead.
Khlozilla Got Shit Thrown At Her For Wearing This Mess To North West’s Coachella-Themed First Birthday Party
Kim and Kanye Kartrashian’s people managed to achieve the impossible: they managed to make an even more insufferable and douche-tastic version of Coachella. To celebrate their money (and whatshername’s first birthday), Kim and Kanye threw a kids version of Coachella called Kidchella in Kourtney Kartrashian’s backyard yesterday afternoon. There was a Ferris wheel, food carts, teepees and a bouncy house, and I’m not talking about Kim Kardashian’s ass, which we all wish would be picked up by the wind and blown far, far away. North West will definitely remember this lavish ass birthday party and that was not served on a plate made of sarcasm. North West will fondly remember her first birthday party when in 15 years she tells her therapist it’s the first memory she has of looking at her family and wishing she was born into a pack of wolves instead of a pack of fame whores. “If this is a Coachella-themed party, where’s the molly, because I need some to get through this wreck.” – North West at her own party
Because no version of Coachella is complete without a heaping spoon of shit-covered cultural appropriation, Khloe Kardashian Instagramm’d this picture of her sitting in a front of a teepee with a Native American headdress on top her Sasquatch head. Some of Khlozilla’s Instagram followers squatted out shit nuggets of outrage on top of her for this and asked, “How did she not know?” To which I say, “Are you new here?”, because of course she knew this kind of fuckery would get her as much attention as possible. But you know, for once, I don’t think this was solely about getting her name to trend on Twatter. Khlozilla was getting a little revenge for her kind. For decades and decades, Native American chiefs have worn bear heads as a headdress like this:
So Khlozilla the waxed grizzly bear got back at those tribal chiefs by wearing a Native American headdress on her beastly head. Revenge IS a rabies-infested, rabid grizzly bear wearing a Native American headdress. Payback’s an ugly bitch.
And speaking of messy, this was the entertainment at Kidchella. It puts the HELL in Kidchella.
And I don’t even know if North West was at her own party. She wasn’t in any of the pictures. She was probably having her own party in the catering kitchen with her REAL family: her nannies, drivers and bodyguards.