Most people would agree that it’s important to stay humble, remember where you came from and always thank those that helped you along the way. It’s like they say in Hollywood: never forget the little people. Or the big people. Hell, even Judi Dench got a temporary tattoo of Harvery Weinstein’s name on her butt as a thanks for making her film career happen. But that’s Dame Judi. And we’re not here to talk about clASS acts. Why would anyone ever expect KummyKakes Kardashian to remember where she came from? I doubt she’s able to remember what her real face looks like. But one person remembers where she started and the help she gave her. Paris Hilton. And no doubt Paris regrets every (Ray J) inch of help she gave her.
Oh here go hell come… Oh dear me… While the nuns are busy trying to figure out how to solve a problem like Maria, I’m scratching my head trying to figure out how to solve a problem like Kanye West. Do we give him a time out? Do we just pretend he’s not here and eventually he’ll just stop the tantrums? Or do we just acknowledge him and say “good job, sweetie. Now mommy has to work, so shhhhhh”? Whatever the solution, today we come to the part of the show where he pulls his pants down at the dinner party and says “LOOK!” Kanye West has released his video for “Famous” (the song which features Rihanna and Swizz Beatz and includes a line about making Taylor Swift famous) unto the world.
Seen above inhaling the silicone-encrusted fart that finally escaped from in between Kim Kartrashian’s ass cheeks after hours of struggling, Taylor Swift was supposedly pissed when Kanye West claimed that she approved a lyric he wrote about her. In a track called “Famous” from Kanye’s latest album, The Life of Pablo, there’s a lyric that goes, “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex, I made that bitch famous.” Kanye claimed that Taylor was not only okay with the lyric, she came up with it and laughed at it. Taylor’s rep claimed that she never okay’d it and definitely didn’t come up with the idea. And at the Grammys, Taylor gave a “GIRL POWAH” speech that was obviously directed at her forever arch rival Kanye West. Well, now Kim is saying that Taylor should change her name to TayLIES, because she did approve that lyric and there’s video footage that proves it. Dun dun dun!
In 100 years, when they start including messy social media fights in history books, our children’s children will learn about one of the greatest social media battles of our time: The Khloe Kardashian vs. Amber Rose Twitter Whore War of 2015. Amber threw a judgemental side-eye at Tyga for dating then-underage Kylie Jenner, which Khloe responded to by calling Amber a stripper, to which Amber fired back with a crack about Kim Kardashian’s sex tape. The Twitter Whore War was the catalyst for Kanye West’s historical 30 Showers Address, which lead to the Booty Ass Bitch Blitz of 2016.
Eventually General Rose and Kommander Kim called a truce on social media. But it looks like four months is about as long as she could hold out before once again bringing up that fight with Khloe and Kim’s sex tape.
Helen Mirren is no stranger to loving your body and shamelessly showing it off. And while she may have retired her naked nipples, she’s apparently still here for people who decide to proudly put their bodies out there. One of which is naked selfie enthusiast Kim Kardashian.
Dame Helen recently spoke to The Telegraph (via E! News) about being a sex symbol. Eventually she started talking about “shameless women” – ie. women who stopped giving a fuck about what other people think of them – and she gave a slow, dignified British clap to America’s most alive-looking mannequin. Or at least a slow clap for her ass. While most people scream “PUT IT AWAY!” every time they see a half-naked Kim, Helen is happy that she keeps putting her partially-deflated yoga ball butt out there, because it’s making people feel good about their not-small asses.
“I’m not into the Kardashians, it’s a phenomenon I just don’t find interesting, but – and this is the big word: B-U-T-T – it’s wonderful that you’re allowed to have a butt nowadays. Thanks to Madame Kardashian, and before her, J-Lo. We’re also allowed to have thighs now, which is great too. It’s very positive.”
Helen also gave a thumbs up to other “shameless and proud” celebs like Madonna, Chrissie Hynde, Joan Jett, and Bonnie Raitt.
No matter what you think of Kim and the rest of the Kardashians, Helen is right about them promoting positive body image. Before the Kardashians, butts only came in two sizes: big and small. Then the Kardashians kame along and changed that. Now we have a variety of popular butt options at our disposal: big, giant, huge, massive, and small planet-sized. And you can get them all in four-to-six visits to a plastic surgeon. Thank you, Kim Kardashian!
Here’s more of Helen from her shoot for The Telegraph, as well as some pictures of her looking like your church’s sexiest Sunday School teacher at a MoMA event last week.
Usually concerts get cancelled after a roadie peeks out from behind the curtain 5 minutes before show time and realizes the audience consists solely of a dozen stray cats who ended up there after following the smell of green room tuna sandwiches through an open stage door. It’s less common for a show to get cancelled after too many people decide they want to see it. But that’s what happened at 2 this morning.
If you’re on Twatter, Instagram, SnatchChat or whatever, then you have definitely seen pictures of famous tricks and famous-adjacent tricks wearing orange to raise awareness for gun violence. I don’t know, when I want to raise awareness for gun violence, I just tell people to turn on the news and watch the coverage of the mass shooting of the day. But wearing something orange while trout-facing in a selfie works too, I guess.
Kanye West shot an appearance on Ellen (it aired today), and they really should’ve temporarily changed the show’s name to KANYE! During her interview time with Kanye, Ellen DeGeneres should’ve just quietly exited stage left and chilled out in her dressing room until he was done (which would’ve been the day after never), because he took control. At one point, Kanye turned away from Ellen and addressed the audience as though he was giving a TED Talk if TED stood for Titanic-sized Egomaniacal Delusions.
You better slip on a pair of extra thick heat-resistant socks before you put your feet on the ground, because the flames of Hell are probably shooting up high as Lucifer celebrates the fact that his proudest creation Pimp Mama Kris is getting another family member to pimp out.
Blac Chyna is knocked up and is growing a Keeping Up with the Kardashians spin-off show and a Twitter trending topic in her silicone-encrusted womb, and she was planning to make the announcement on Mother’s Day. But someone decided to beat Angela Kardashian to the STUNT QUEEN punch and called up TMZ. Hmmm, I wonder who did that? Kut to PMK whispering her latest attention-getting news into Harvey Levin’s ear while sipping their morning cup of piping hot virgin’s blood together.
TMZ’s sources say that months ago, Blac Chyna straddled her fiancé Rob Kardashian’s naked body, pushed back his FUPA and he humped a baby into her. She’s apparently a few months knocked up. She’s already got a 3-year-old son named King Cairo with Tyga.
After TMZ broke the news that PMK is going to be somebody’s grandma for the 6th time, Blac Chyna pretty much confirmed it by burping up this on Instagram:
Blac Chyna recently posed for photo-op selfies with Kylie Jenner and PMK, and she hung out with Kim Kartrashian not too long ago, so it looks like they all made up for the sake of the child that’s going to get them even more attention. Touching, I know.
And if Wite Chyna (aka Kylie Jenner) ever marries the tattooed salamander (aka Tyga), King Cairo and Rob and Blac Chyna’s unborn baby will be cousins AND siblings, right? It’s Friday and I don’t need to bruise whatever is left of my brain on trying to figure that out, so can someone please update that Kardashian flow-chart?
Here’s pictures from over a week ago of Rob, Blac Chyna and Kim hitting the ho stroll in Beverly Hills to celebrate the creation of Koryea Kardashian. (You know that’s what Chyna is going to name their child.)
Fresh off from once again flipping the fashion world on its ass by wearing groundbreaking $15 colored contacts from a Halloween store to the Met Gala, Kanye West called into Steve Harvey in the Morning on iHeart radio (via Vulture), because it’s been much too long (read: like 6 minutes) since he’s redefined the definition of “delusional.” Kanye spit out words about his album The Life of Pablo, called slaves “unpaid interns who got promoted to assistants by Abraham Lincoln” and continued to beat a pile of horse bone dust by saying that he acted as an activist when he interrupted Taylor Swift at the MTV VMAs 500 years ago. But Kanye’s mouth really created an important piece for the Museum of Delusion when he said that his wife Kim Kartrashian has broken many things other than four-sizes-too-small dresses and nerves.