You could just tell from Darren Aronofsky’s rambling on and on and on and…you get the idea…about his twisted Sunday School of a movie, mother!, that he just KNEW he was going to spend the night of the Oscars collecting statue after statue and rubbing shoulders with Meryl Streep. Instead, he’ll get the chance to maybe be the muse for James Franco’s next movie about a turd of a movie (well, if he’s even allowed to make movies again). That’s right, the 38th annual Golden Raspberry Awards nominees were released today, and it looks like those Fifty Shades Of Shit movies have some competition from mother!. Continue reading
In the first Fifty Shits of Boring movie, Dakota Johnson and pretty wooden post Jamie Dornan had the chemistry of two paper bowls full of overcooked Malt-O-Meal. I figured that the only way Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele could look less like they wanted to fuck each other is if the roles were recast with John Travolta and Kelly Preston. But it looks like the makers of the sequel Fifty Shits Darker somehow managed to make the second movie even less sexier than the first one. Congrats to them!
The trailer for Fifty Shits Darker was released today, and besides every single trick looking like their Ambien just kicked in, this mess looks like it’s part watered down remake of Eyes Wide Shut and part horror movie. There’s a helicopter crash! There’s Kim Basinger coming at Jamie Dornan while thinking to herself, “Fuck my career.” There’s an angry dude coming at Dakota. And there’s a spooky chick who keeps stalking Dakota. The producers should definitely try to re-market this as a horror movie. I mean, I have a feeling that Fifty Shits Darker is going to leave most of the audience screaming. They’ll be screaming at themselves for paying actual money for this crap, and they’ll be screaming at Kim Basinger and Hugh Dancy for needing a check that bad.
The first Fifty Shades of Shit movie was duller than wet baking powder but it still made $571 million worldwide and so of course, Universal is shitting out another one. One of the “key roles” in the second movie, Fifty Shades Darker, is Elena Lincoln, the child-whipping pedo who introduced Christian Grey to the world of BDSM when he was 15. There was a funny rumor that Charlize Theron was going to play the role, but that’s not going to happen, because Kim Basinger is going to do it. It’s been over 10 years since Kim has been nominated for a Razzie so maybe she figured that it’s about time she gets another one.
During an interview with Elle magazine, Kim Basinger (who sort of looks like a partially-thawed version of Nicole Kidman in the picture above) put on her smart glasses and scientific problem solver’s lab coat and schooled us on the steps women, especially actresses, should take if they want to rise up and rule the world. Warning: if you are a lady with a chronic case of the horn-horns, you are not going to like what you’re about to read.
“Women are important, and they have to be in the movies. So, what are you going to do? All we have to do is all hold our hands and stand up and say ‘No.’ We can stop having babies, we can stop having sex, everything. And then women will rule the world. We’d all hold hands and say, ‘No more.’ How about that? That’s it. Women would know their power.”
To be honest, I don’t know if I’d want to hold the hand of a woman who hasn’t been fucked in a while. Can you even imagine the nerve damage? “I’m sorry if I’m crushing your fingers, dear, but I’m just so, so horny.”
I understand what Kim is saying about the babies thing. Threatening to stop making humans is a good negotiation tactic, since it still takes a lady egg to make one. Not to mention that no more babies means a greater chance that super-smart dolphins will take over the world and enslave what’s left of humanity into aquatic servitude (or so I’ve read on the internet). But that “stop having sex” thing would be really difficult. Sure, it would be easy for Kim; all she has to do is picture her ex-husband screaming a bunch of offensive shit while covered in a layer of anger sweat, and she’s instantly turned off for the next six months. But what about the rest of us?
Last week, Radar said that the 19-year-old spawn of Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin was forced into a Malibu treatment center by her parents because they felt like her non-stop partying was getting the best of her and she needed to dry out for a bit. Radar’s “source” said that Ireland doesn’t think she has a problem with booze, but she went to rehab after her parents threatened to cut her off. Ireland laughed at the “non-stop partying” claim on Twitter last night, but admitted that she checked herself into rehab (or as the country she’s named after calls it “Quitters Central.“) Ireland, who isn’t bumping ‘ginas with Angel Haze anymore, tweeted that she has gone off to rehab, because she needs to deal with some emotional issues she’s been ignoring. She’s also going to eat some froyo, FYI.
“Apparently I’m in rehab for intensive partying soooo I’m just going to lay pretty low for a bit and maybe get some frozen yogurt. I checked myself into Soba for two weeks to just get away for a little bit. I’m not much a party cat but I am here deal with some emotional trauma and getting the intensive therapy I needed in order to recover. Someday I’ll feel ready to share my story openly without feeling the way I do. Right now I just needed a breather. I needed a chance to work on myself and gather all the tools I need to overcome everything that I had been through and rid myself of all the pain I locked away in unreachable places.”
Emotional trauma could mean anything from “I watched the Randy Quaid sex tape” (Why do I keep bringing up that nightmare?! WHY?) to some seriously serious shit. But Ireland doesn’t really have to say why she’s in rehab. I mean, she’s Alec Baldwin’s daughter. If she walked into any treatment center and said, “Hello, I am the daughter that Alec Baldwin called a rude thoughtless little pig,” they’d immediately declare a code red and shuffle her off to the therapist’s office.
Here’s Ireland giving you post-apocalyptic yoga teacher at an event in L.A. last month.
Together, they look like what’s on the table during a romantic dinner at a Korean BBQ restaurant.
At last night’s premiere of Grudge Match in NYC, pristine white taper candle Kim Basinger posed next to her co-star, piping hot piece of cajun-rubbed pork jerky Sylvester Stallone, and it’s a miracle that the heat wafting off of his just-out-of-the-oven face didn’t melt her into a puddle of Botox, wax and sad memories of being married to Alec Baldwin. Maybe it’s because I’m a skinny fat fuck who is always thinking about shoving dough, cheese and meat into his mouth (there’s an uncut dick joke in there somewhere), but she looks like a piece of uncooked dough and he looks like a sun dried tomato-stuffed pepperoni meatball. So together they’re like a deconstructed Totino’s pizza roll without the sauce. Delicioso!
Here’s more of Porcelain Basinger and Overcooked Terracotta Stallone with Robert DeNiro at last night’s premiere. Slay me with those brows, Sly!