Because Justin Bieber is basically the rich kid equivalent to a lazy 10-year-old who takes forever to clean his room, the fact that he hasn’t had a concert in two years should be surprising to absolutely no one. I’m sure Scooter Braun practically had to drag him the whole way there while Justin whined, “Noooooo, I don’t wanna! I got obnoxious rich kid stuff to do!” But by some miracle, Justin Bieber turned off his LeapPad, put down his sippy cup of Smirnoff Ice, and put on a Tiny Talent Time show at KIIS FM’s Wango Tango 2015 on Saturday night.
According to TMZ, Justin went on stage around 8:30pm (awwww, somebody got to stay up past his bedtime!) and Kanye West closed the show. I don’t know who I feel worse for: Kanye for having to share a stage with Lil’ Vanilla Ice, or the audience for having to sit through a double dose of douche. Actually, maybe not Kanye; sure he had to share at stage with Justin, but at least Justin never called his ass out for not writing his own songs, like some blonde pretty-in-the-face types did last week. Either way, I’m sure when he heard Justin was opening for him, his face did one of these.
Speaking of that audience, TMZ says that somewhere slithering among the masses was Pimp Mama Kris – who, thanks to all the Botox that has leeched into her brain, probably got Wango Tango confused with Cabo Wabo and was sad there were no all-you-can-chug Waboritas – and Justin’s maybe girlfriend Hailey Baldwin.
But Justin didn’t spend the whole weekend struggling to remember the choreography to “Boyfriend”; he also gave a shout out to the lady who made him on Instagram by posting a picture of his mom with the caption:
“If it wasn’t for this woman lets just say I would have had a way LONGER stupid phase. I love u and thank u for not giving up on me”
“Of course I’d never give up on you, money…I mean, honey” replied Justin’s mom.
Here’s more of Justin looking, as always, like a possessed Rollerblade Dude doll going through a grunge phase on Saturday night:
Usually when I pop into my local Couche-Tard to pick up Monsters (or when I want to keep it truly sleazy, Rockstars), the last thing I want is a pair of judgmental eyes staring at me from behind a bunch of dusty bags of Doritos. So I feel Vine user Rashid Polo, who can’t seem to walk through the damn Quick Stop without being followed by a bunch of nosy tricks trying to catch him lifting Butterfingers and Slim Jims. Rashid began filming himself as he gets trailed through the store, and it’s not hard to catch the ladies trailing him, since they’re about as inconspicuous as the giant cowboy hat Homer wore to spy on Apu.
But my favorite has to be the sneaky lady with the side ponytail who’s trying to spy on Rashid by pretending to tidy the store. Except that what she thinks is pretending to tidy is really just flipping price tags and touching random shit. It actually looks a lot like me when I used to work at Canadian Tire. “I’d love to help you sweep the warehouse, but I’m sort of busy touching bottles of dish soap right now, so…”
I love the way she nervously scoots away as if he caught HER shoplifting. “Damn, did I put some Nerds in my pocket by mistake?!?”
“Bitch stole my look!” – Grumpy Cat
At last night’s iHateRadio (autocorrect that stays) Music Awards, country singer Luke Bryan – the over-it dude in black to the left of a confused-looking Blake Shelton – let his face tell us exactly what he thought of Ariana Grande Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino’s performance with a look that made my downstairs parts tingle with sadistic glee. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone frown so hard; it almost looks like the right corner of his mouth is reaching for something it can use to put Luke Bryan out of his misery. “Juuuuust a little closer…I think I can reach that broken wine glass.”
Normally Ariana Grande Cup Filled With Tap Water (she’s too basic to be a Frappuccino) doesn’t bother me that much (jk, she’s suuupes annoying) but I had the exact same reaction as Luke Bryan when I watched her perform “Problem”. There’s something about a toddler-face in a pair of hooker boots that feels all kinds of not-right to me. Not to mention those busted baby dance moves at the 1:56 mark; the whole thing made me feel like I was watching a crossover episode between Toddlers & Tiaras and To Catch a Predator:
Then again, I’m sure if I watched Ariana Grande Tap Water’s performance a little less sober than I am now, I bet I would find it as funny as Bad Gal RiRi thought it was. I love imaging a wine-drunk Rihanna watching Ariana’s performance and whispering to the person next to her “Duuuuude…that baby prostitute is a pretty good dancer”
But back to Luke Bryan and his amazing NOPE face. After Luke was caught on camera showing us what he looks like when he’d rather be getting a lube-less rectal exam than watch jail bait bust out some Mall of America moves, he tweeted:
“Wow me concentrating doesn’t look good”
And I don’t think that’s an excuse – I really think he was concentrating. He was trying to pull a Carrie and concentrate all the telekinetic power in his brain to start a fire in the Shrine Auditorium so he could get the fuck out of there.
Here’s more of a pre-frown Luke Bryan and his beautiful sunset-colored wife Caroline arriving at the iHeartRadio Music Awards:
Nothing brings me more joy than hearing a tiny human talk about Elmo using the kind of language that would make your raunchiest trailer park aunt blush. It’s an enjoyable kind of trashy, like referring to toilet paper as “ass rag” or deep-fried Mountain Dew sandwiches. And it sounds like Jason Bateman agrees, because in a recent GQ+A interview about his new film Bad Words, Jason talked about how familiar his daughter Maple Bateman is with Class-4 expletives:
GQ: Do you actually swear anywhere near as often as your character?
Jason Bateman: I tend to use as many as I can think of. I don’t do it around my 7-year-old, but I do around my 2-year-old, because she doesn’t know what the hell I’m saying yet.
GQ: What’s your go-to swear word?
Jason Bateman: Motherfucker is pretty good.
Motherfucker is pretty good, especially when the situation calls for it, but sadly it’s one of those words that will get you a non-verbal side-eye beat down from strangers if you say it in public. It’s the catchiest of 22’s: you accidentally sit down in a urine-soaked bus seat, or some clueless trick runs over your foot with a shopping cart, and you’re not able to let out a good motherfucker because out of the corner of your eye you spot the little ears of an innocent chirrun, so instead you have to use some made-up shit like muffin puffer or mother father chinese dentist. I know; these are the real tragedies.
But more importantly than his gloriously casual use of the word motherfucker…Jason Bateman named his daughter MAPLE BATEMAN?? Bless him and his wife for gifting her with such a delicious sounding name. Maple Bateman? More like Maple Bacon. I need to stop thinking about Maple Bateman’s name; I just imagined a maple bacon pancake stick swaddled in a baby blanket, and that’s all kinds of wrong.
You know things are bad when Miley Cyrus is giving you life advice that makes sense.
During an appearance Thursday night on The Tonight Show, Miley was asked by Mac Tonight’s half-brother, Jay Leno, if there was any advice she’d give to her long-lost twin sister, Tuff Toddler. Miley could write a book with all her freon-huffing folksy wisdom (Chapter 7: A Squirrel In The Hand Is Worth Two Twerks In The Bush, Y’all) so imagine my surprise when she answered his question with something rational, reasonable, and – shock of all shockers – smart:
“You’ve got a lot of money. Pay people to make sure you don’t get in trouble, and party at your house. Buy a house, and add a club to it.”
She also went on to say that her fans can keep waiting for a Miley Mugshot (which would no doubt be taken at the Walmart portrait studio) because she’s not doing anything illegal. Well, technically it’s not illegal to expose your grime-covered tongue in public, but it should be (write your congressman).
As much shade as I normally throw Miley – and I throw so much, my driver’s license picture is a palm tree – I have to shake my head in agreement with her. Justin should be trying to hide his bad kid antics like every other underage kid does: getting drunk off a bottle of Malibu in the laundry room with their friends, smoking salvia out of an empty 7UP can in the backyard behind the shed, or trying to fuck on the low in the crawlspace on top of a storage bin filled with Legos. And he should be paying someone to watch his ass, because he’s proven so many times in the past two weeks that he’s not grown up enough to be left on his own. What Justin needs is a baby sitter to make sure he doesn’t try to drive the car or throw eggs at the neighbor’s house, and with all his money, he can afford the very best (personally, I’d recommend either Kristy Thomas or Claudia Kishi).