Because the late 2010s are a time of insanity and confusion, the patron saint of trailer parks is running an unofficial campaign for Senate. (Hold on, let me take a shot to soothe my nerves, cuz’ that’s some bullshit). Unfortunately for the demolition derby aficionados out there, Kid Rock’s political aspirations hit a brief snag this week when he was accused of a campaign finance violation. UsWeekly reports that Mr. Rock’s response to the allegation was as calm and measured as you’d expect from any political candidate. Continue reading
A few weeks ago, Kid Rock begged us for attention by announcing he might run for Senate in Michigan. Nobody was really sure if he was serious, or if he was just trying to move merch. He launched a website and coquettishly teased his intentions. Well Kid Rock is still being coy. He won’t put out, but he’ll let you touch his breasts (over the shirt).
Anthropomorphized shit stain Kid Rock is maybe running for U.S. Senate in his home state of Michigan, because why not, the promised idiocracy is already here. Hot on the heels of the news that the nation’s preferred Rock, The Rock, is planning a 2020 presidential run, the lesser Rock, Kid, posted this to Twitter:
— Kid Rock (@KidRock) July 12, 2017
Two weeks ago, human TruckNutz Kid Rock received a subpoena in his mail box (which is probably shaped like a stripper wearing a Budweiser bikini) asking him to relinquish the glass dildo he received from former Insane Clown Posse employee “Dirty Dan” Diamond so it can be used as evidence in the harassment lawsuit between ICP and their former publicist. The subpoena stated that Kid Rock had 14 days to say his tearful goodbyes and hand over the glass dildo to a court of law. However, its been 14 days and still no sign of the missing glass dildo. Why? Because according to Kid Rock, there is no glass dildo (at least at his house), and he’s pissed off that his good name was ever dragged into this mess.
Kid Rock didn’t have a dildo to return, but he still wanted ICP’s lawyers to get fucked, so he took to his website and wrote two beautifully eloquent letters titled “All Parties Involved in This ICP Glass Dildo Case Can Shove One Up Their Ass: Kid Rock Responds”. They’re both long and hard (like a glass dildo), so I’ve hidden them after the cut.
I was thinking about photoshopping a glass dildo into Kid Rock’s grimy paw, but then I realized I’ve already filled my quota of nightmares by making you picture Justin Bieber blue steel-ing it in a pair of tighty-whiteys.
Rolling Stone says that human dirty needle Kid Rock received a subpoena telling him to hand over his glass dildo after it was declared evidence in a lawsuit involving human wet garbage, the Insane Clown Posse. The subpoena states that former ICP employee “Dirty Dan” Diamond (I do not want to know how he got the nickname “Dirty Dan”) tried to give a glass dildo to former ICP publicist Andrea Pellegrini after learning that she was single. Andrea, who is suing the Insane Jagoff Posse for harassment and emotional distress, claims she didn’t want to be “Dirty Dans” slutty Cinderella, so she returned the glass dildo to sender. “Dirty Dan” claims to have then passed the unwanted glass dildo on to Kid Rock. I’m not sure why he gave it to Kid Rock, but I assume it’s because he hated him (nothing says “go fuck yourself” like giving someone a re-gifted dildo).
Kid Rock has 14 days to produce the glass dildo in court, and if he doesn’t…I dunno, maybe they’ll send a SWAT team to his house with a pack of highly-trained dildo-sniffing dogs or something. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually feel bad for Kid Rock; 14 days isn’t a lot of time to say your goodbyes to a beloved sex toy. Imagine if you received a letter in the mail that says you must surrender your favorite vibrator or butt plug or anal beads?? That would be heartbreaking! I’m getting all Not Without My Daughter just thinking about it. I bet that right now, Kid Rock is smuggling his dirty scum-crusted glass dildo in a hidden compartment in his suitcase as he boards a train bound for Canada. “Don’t worry, little fella. I promise, they’ll NEVER tear us apart!”