Here’s mega man slut Jim Carrey in Malibu yesterday with a girl who isn’t his daughter and looks so damn young she probably gets carded while trying to buy Gatorade. You nasty ole’ bitch, Jim. Jim’s new piece is probably all happy to be dating him, because she gets to drive in fancy cars, eat fancy foods in fancy restaurants and drink fancy drinks on the fancy side of Malibu. But wait until Jim throws a ginger wig on her head and makes her recite all of Emma Stone’s lines from Easy A while he tongues her belly button. There’s a price to pay for everything!
And, duh, I’d hit it. Look at those snow cone titties. You know how when you’re making meringue (because you’re ALWAYS making meringue) and the instructions say to whip until soft peaks form? That’s what Jim’s man chichis look like. Soft peaks in a bowl. So yeah, I’d hit it. But just try not to look at his torso if you’re ever on top, because it does have a face and sometimes its face looks like it’s judging you.
Kim Kardashian’s marriage and the conceiving of Justin Beiber’s first baby in the bathroom are just two things that will last longer than Lindsay Lohan’s latest time in jail. Reading that headline took more time than what it will take LiLo to prance into her cell, queef on her sheets so they have to change them and sashay out of the jail house before the scent clears. Judge Stephanie sentenced LiLo to 30 days in jail today (Note: Judge Stephanie telling LiLo “I order you to 30 days in jail” took more time than LiLo’s time in jail will take.) but TMZ says she’ll serve closer to 30 seconds than 30 days.
The Sheriff said that depending when LiLo checks in, she could spend the night there, but most people who get a misdemeanor sentence of 90 days or less are out within minutes. The Sheriff blamed it all on overcrowding and then made sure he said that LiLo was not getting special treatment at all.
You know, just when I think I’ve exhausted every last keystroke about this hilarious and disastrous shit, our prophet steps up to the altar and lets out more words of wisdom that make me raise my hands up and shout out: YAAASSSSSSS!
As always, the truth is what Khia speaks. One of LiLo’s face freckles might as well morph into a teardrop, because that ho is a gangsta prison bitch and she hasn’t even been in prison!
When you get up in the morning, tape two Top Ramen wrappers over your nipples, put your hand over your chest and repeat this NSFW self-loving speech into the mirror to get you through the day. These words of motivation work for every situation. Make sure you have some kind of bird creature nearby so it can let out a CAW when you pull its tail after every beat. Pledge allegiance, bitch!
And Stuart Smalley can officially retire now that Khia is here to lift us up.
via Kid Fury
That little blank space on Khia’s mug shot gallery was making me itch and so the OCDer deep in me thanks her for doing something about it by getting busted in Dekalb County, Georgia over the weekend. My favorite poet and the mug shot supermodel graced the police station camera with her pose skills after she was arrested for “concealing/endangering property-secured interest.” Straight from the A translated that into real talk: Bitch hid a car she owed payments on. Sonia from Operacion Repo is coming for you, Khia! Hopefully, Sonia also repossess Khia’s gremlin brows while she’s at it.
Khia posted $500 bail and was released back into the wild, but not before she gave the world her latest:
You never thought you’d see Elmer Fudd as Annie, did you? Khia is a true chameleon.
Every Glamour Shots should be shut down and replaced with Khia’s Academy of Mug Shot Glamour, because there are some sad and dusty mug shot takers out there (Lindsay Lohan) who could use her expertise and learn how to smile like it’s first grade picture day or some shit.
“Ole as Methusalem” and “EBT Card Awards” are just a few of the priceless nuggets my second favorite philosopher next to Megan Fox spat out of her finger tips in an eloquent blog post on her personal A to Zs. While Beyonce and Chris Brown sip purified beluga whale urine out of black diamond goblets on their flying Maybachs, Khia did the real work by renting out a computer at Kinko’s for 2 hours to read all of them their rights! Beyonce’s handlers better have a chalk eraser handy to wipe off the outline around her, because Khia pretty much destroyed her (not really).
The best of are below and I really hope to see Khia’s version of the ABCs in an upcoming episode of Sesame Street. You haven’t really heard the phrase “turned to the side ass pussy” until you’ve heard it from Elmo.
Letter A- Amber Rose: Imma show this bitch a little love cuz she from Philly bald headed and all….She cute!!!! I aint gone judge the hoe because we all know she been on a strippa pole since she was 5 years old, suckin clits since 12, and decided to TRICK and SUCK every nigga in the game and wanna be a model at 35…… Get Money Biiiiiitch!!!!! But I am gone roast at the fact that she leaked photos on the internet of that MILE loooooong, 18wheeler, turned to the SIDE ass pussy, with her DUMB ass and lost ALL of the MONEY! It didn’t work for KATRINA HARBOR and it’s NOT gonework for YOU!!!!! Someone stole your computer, someone stole her phone……Heard it all before!!!! Chile boooo…Stick to what ya know
Trickin, Strippen and Suckin dick and pussy lips…..Get Money Biiiiiitch!!!!!
Letter B- Beyonce: Fuck this hoe………Can Kelly Rowland make a little bit of MONEY???? We all seen Kelly on the EBT card awards shut that shit down and here you come making Jay Z call in all of his favors to put you on the TV screen with that TIRED, THROUGH and DELAYED performance. We ALL could have passed on that! Imma a fan, true enough but we really sick of looking at you! Give Solange a chance or give your husband Jay Z some children cuz he getting ole as Methasulem and his time is running OUT!! Who runs the world? Girls…..Girls!
Letter C- Chris Brown: Oooooooooooo Hoooooooney…… How many records you sold????Cuz the sissy’s and punks all around the world saw ALLLLLLLL your bizness With your “Who told Harpo to beat me,” Blonde hair, Dick down to ya knees….. Redirect your anger please!! Looks like another Dennis Rodman to me….. I aint the one to gossip so you aint heard it from me!
Letter K-Katrina Laverne Taylor and Kimberly Denise Jones: I done let Lil Kim have it on my single “Fix Your Face,” available on I-tunes, so we gone dedicate the letter K to Katrina Harbor, who done gave all
these niggas and bull daggers HIV, Lupus and Grave’s Disease loosing hair and weight, with eyes and thyroids bulging out of the socket! Katrina Harbor has been killing niggas and bull-daggers for a whole decade…… When is yall niggas gone tell the truth? The hood already knows dis…..Easy E aint the only one who went out with a BANG… So glad I didn’t Juuuuuump on that dirty Diiiiiiiiiiick!!!!!!!
Besides, I have already let the world know on the “Hit Er Up” diss that Katrina Harbor’s DURTY, ROTTEN and CORODED ass can’t have no babies…..Weezy aint been the same since he left your ass!!!! Aint no need to tweet about you NOT being PREG! When you don’t take your meds you shrink like a prune and when you do, you big as 2 Burger Kings!!!! Keep it real hoe!!!!!
I hear CVS has a new Minute Clinic but the problems you have with your PUSSIE pussy, you gotta go to the free CLINIC for that!!!!! Bobble Head Biiiiiiiitch!!!!!
Letter Z-Kim Zolciak: Kim you finally dropped Big Poppa like a bad habit because he couldn’t keep the rent and lights on at Shannon Mall in Union City! We all knew that you’s a gold digging, money hungary ass whore with no talent! Kandi wrote you a national hit and you couldn’t even perform it live because you were too busy trying to keep that synthetic wig in place that Derrick been sewing and stitching for years.Its funny how Kandi can write everybody else a hit…Opps, well enough of that back to the subject at hand..You finally struck gold with that young and tender football player after knowing him for only 90 days, you hit a home run with his first born son!!! Get Money Bitch………
Toss every poetry book in the library and replace them with a copy of this! I wish my life was like an episode of Herman’s Head and I wish Khia was one of my emotions. Click here to read even more musings from the Shakespeare of Philadelphia.
Fishsticks Paltrow admits that contrary to the fact that her picture is next to the word “perfect” in Webster’s Dictionary, the Baccarat crystal facade that covers her is riddled with imperfections! This is like finding out that swans queef. MIND BLOWN. Instead of just straight telling you what Fishy’s main flaw is, let’s play a game. Below are 8 possibilities for you to choose from. GO!
a) Sometimes she sneezes in an American accent.
b) She once watched a McDonald’s commercial in its entirety and didn’t roll her eyes once.
c) Whenever her polenta (which she grounds herself using organic corn from her roof garden) refuses to not be lumpy, she whispers into its lumps: “Why won’t you be perfect? Stop being so fat and lumpy. I fucking hate you, you cunt polenta.”
d) She made the decision to marry Chris Martin.
e) When she takes a day trip to India to meditate with the Dalai Lama on a grassy knoll in the hills of McLeodganj, her stubborn British tongue makes it impossible for her to say “thank you” in Tibetan without an accent.
f) Her shit “plops” instead of “dings” when it hits the toilet water.
g) Her palate can’t tell the difference between Evian and Volvic.
h) She doesn’t get an allergic reaction in the form of a crotch rash when she puts on a pair of polyester panties.
If you answered, “ALL OF THEM,” you’re probably right, but Fishy only admitted one to USA Today in an interview. Fishy went with “c.” Fishy wishes that everything she touched turned to perfection and it kills her that it doesn’t. Of course. Midas is laughing his ass off at her right now.
“One of my most negative qualities is the perfectionism that I have, and I think that I unconsciously project that because it comes from self-doubt and insecurity and that’s the ironic part. I’m so deeply flawed. I’m just a normal mother with the same struggles as any other mother who’s trying to do everything at once and trying to be a wife and maintain a relationship. There’s absolutely nothing perfect about my life, but I just try hard.”
Fishy shouldn’t be so hard on herself. Especially, because at last night’s Shine On event (judging by her greasy ass face, she obviously thought it was a theme), she was every shade of perfect. Looking like a lubed-up uncut peen with extra droopy foreskin while posing with Meryl Streep and Kathy Ireland = PERFECTION.