It’s been over 10 long years since rap master Kevin Federline sharted out “PopoZão” and taught us that it’s possible to caca through our ear holes. The saying “genius takes time” is true and this newest work of art proves it. It took the Mozart of rap a decade to release a song that’ll make you wish Tampax made tiny tampons for your ears. Listening to it won’t cause you to caca through your ear holes, but you will bleed.
Throw on your Von Dutch trucker hat, pop your collar and put your Motorola Razr on mute, because TMZ has taken us all the way back to 2005 by posting KFed’s new video “Hollywood,” which also stars Andy Dick and Aaron Carter’s flow coach Crichy Crinch, whose claim to fame is getting Tara Reid’s name tattooed onto his arm. This mess is so 2005 that it’s practically a Four Loko stain on a pink UGG.
But KFed did manage to bring it to the NOW thanks to a scene where a fourth-tier Amber Rose impersonator (who looks more like a third-tier Susan Powter impersonator) and a fifth-tier Kanye West impersonator (who looks more like a fourth-tier Ray-J impersonator) get into some #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch action. The Amber/Kanye scene is pretty disappointing, because I doubt the booty hole Jesus uses drugstore lube like a normal peon. Kanye’s b-hole is probably self-lubricating, and not only that, but KFed missed an opportunity to make a “PooPooOw” joke.
There’s also a bootleg Leonardo DiCaprio impersonator in this for some reason. Brit Brit Spears must’ve cut KFed’s child support payments, because it’s obvious that everybody involved in this worked for dusty copies of Playing With Fire.
Believe it or not, the most painful part of that video isn’t the song or the sight of Andy Dick getting off while wiping his asshole with KFed’s CD. What’s really painful is that I still look at KFed and think to myself that I’d totally let him PopoZão me. No, I don’t love myself.
And here’s KFed looking like STAINS‘ strung out second cousin at Crazy Horse III in Las Vegas last December.
KFed vs. The Beyhive is the battle I didn’t know I needed in my life.
Kevin Federline, the old cum stain on a pair Von Dutch panties that refuses to be scrubbed out, made people remember he exists over the weekend when he talked shit about Beyonce. KFed instantly became Beyhive enemy #1 right after the sports site Terez Owens tweeted this picture of the Queen of the Beyhive and Jay-Z at some fight in Las Vegas:
KFed saw that picture and made the stingers of the BumbleBeys shake with these three words:
@TerezOwens she looked botoxed
— Kevin Federline (@kevinfederline) November 22, 2015
And then he said that Beyonce looks like she should be scaring people while riding around on a little red tricycle.
So sad when a beautiful woman chops and screws her face up w/Botox and surgery… #sawface
— Kevin Federline (@kevinfederline) November 22, 2015
I’m sure the Beyhive is making plans to hit KFed where it really hurts (SPOILER ALERT: They’re going to break into his closet and destroy his beloved collection of white socks and Adidas slide sandals.) But before they do that, they’ve been filling up his mentions on Twitter. Of course, they dragged Our Lady of Cheetos into it, which makes no sense since she’s an all-natural youthful Louisiana blossom.
This is so random that I love it, but the Beyhive really doesn’t know who they’re fucking with. KFed is so damn fertile that he can knock a bitch up through a DM. If the Beyhive keeps screwing with KFed, he will send them all a DM and as soon as they open it up, BOOM pregnant. And they’ll be cursing his name for the next 18 years every time they have to write him a child support check.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
That sound you just heard was every person on the planet reading the headline above and shouting “Sure, Jan” at the same time. But according to Kevin Federline, it’s totally true, you mean PopoZaos! KFed recently spoke to UsWeekly (insert all your slow news day jokes here) and admitted that he considers Britney Spears’ down-home denim eleganza partner Justin Timberlake one of his friends. KFed claims there was some drama with JT when he became Britney’s baby daddy, but they’re totally cool and go golfing.
“In the beginning when [Britney and I] first got together, it was awkward and I felt bad – I felt like maybe I should have called [Justin] and talked to him. But I didn’t have his number.”
We’re cool. Me and J are. I actually just went to his last show in Vegas and hung out with him, got to see a lot of old friends. I’m friends with all the security guys. [They’re] great, they’re incredible. We’ve actually – guys that work with him have worked with us and still work with me, still to this day. You know everybody, you’re friends with everybody. And yeah, me and J are cool.
My best friend is his choreographer so we have mutual friends, and I mean, we’ve gone out golfing, we’ve hung out. You get older, you grow up, and you realize that was just a time in your life. Shit happens.”
I totally read that whole thing in KFed’s voice, especially the “Shit happens” thing at the end. I’d love to know what UsWeekly edited out, because you know there was probably way more KFed-isms in there that they didn’t have room to publish. “Whatever bro, mad shit happens sometimes. C’est la vie playa. Sunrise, sunset, dawg.”
Speaking of, now I want to know what it’s like when KFed hangs out with JT. What the hell do they even talk about? How many times they’ve woken up with one of Britney’s ratty polyester tracks stuck to their face with her sticky frapp drool? Actually, that’s a conversation I’d love to hear.
Yesterday, an email dropped into my inbox with the subject “KFed’s dick!” and I clicked on that shit like the year was 2003 and I had a brand new bottle of Cheetos-scented lube next to me. I didn’t care if it was KFed’s dick during his PopoZao phase or KFed’s dick today, because I’m thirstier than Kristin Scott Thomas when she was dying in that cave in The English Patient.
But then I clicked on the link and the truth dick-slapped me right in the face. It totally wasn’t KFed’s salchicha, because the peen was completely queso-free and the bed sheets in the picture were way too clean and not covered in Doritos crumbs, In-N-Out wrappers and stains that may or may not be from Taco Bell refried beans. Not KFed!
The real life inspiration for Sweet Dee’s mentally challenged rapper piece tells TMZ that he’s seen the picture making the rounds and the beef wellington peen in the picture doesn’t belong to him. KFed’s crotch tattoos aren’t in the picture and his peen is way bigger. So he says. Yeah, you could make a joke about how it must be huge if KFed can see it past his FUPA, but I’ve always thought he had a Pringle can dick. Brit Brit was obviously dickmatized and he didn’t get “PopoZao” from the Brazilians. It’s what Brit Brit screamed the first time he stuck the tip in.
Anyway, I’ll stop with the words now and get to the dick. If you haven’t already seen Not KFed’s dick, click here to see. I’d hit it, whoever that is.
I know I shouldn’t be using keystrokes to write about KFed in the year 2013, but since I’m nostalgic and gross, I am really into the comings and going of his super sperm. Mostly coming… Actually, all comings. While KFed hasn’t worked a job for real since before Obama was in office, his unstoppable jizz fish are working overtime. KFed has knocked up his wife Victoria Prince for a second time. KFed’s sperm: It won’t stop, it can’t stop and in a few years the gene pool will be 50% Duggar, 49% KFed and 1% everything else.
TMZ has a vomit-inducing picture of Victoria wearing a shirt that reads “Juan Moore Federline” and a video of them saying that the sixth Federline is growing in her womb.
KFed has 2 kids with Shar Jackson, 2 kids with Brit Brit and he’ll soon have 2 kids with Victoria. 6 kids with 3 different chicks. What would the “Kate Winslet is a morality-killing whore harlot for having 3 kids with 3 husbands” bitches say?
I’m actually surprised that this is only Victoria and KFed’s second kid together. I mean, what do they do all day? I’m guessing they feed their kids, bareback fuck, play with their kids, bareback fuck, watch 5 hours of the History Channel, bareback fuck, go to the check cashing place to cash their latest check from Brit Brit and bareback fuck some more. I’m surprised that every time Victoria pulls her tampon out, another baby doesn’t come out with it. So good for them for only having 2! And I’m sure TLC will give them their own show called How To Stretch Your Child Support Checks From Britney Spears To Feed Another Ten Dozen Kids.
And I made the mistake of staring at his crotch in that picture to find a peen print. Don’t do that, because I can already feeling kicking.
I guess K-Fed’s spousal support from Brit Brit officially ended, because he got married to the mother of his 2-year-old daughter. In what I’m sure was a gorgeous, elegant and classy wedding, K-Fed made his girlfriend of 5 years Victoria Prince his second wife at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas yesterday. I really hope they married in front of Brit Brit’s “…Baby One More Time” schoolgirl costume since her money obviously paid for this shit.
A source tells UsWeekly that the white Grimace surprised Victoria by proposing to her in Vegas on Friday. They got a marriage license that day. UsWeekly’s source didn’t say this, but I’m assuming that K-Fed wore a sophisticated Fruit of the Loom tuxedo t-shirt dress (in size: Xinfinity-L), tuxedo sweat culottes and patent leather velcro sandals. While a harpist softly played the matrimonial remix of Popozao, K-Fed’s guests almost fell back while watching his succulent groom tits heave up and down as he said his vows to Victoria and yes, these were his vows:
I can bust you out with my super sperm!”
I go do it, I go do it, I go do it, do it, do it.
An’ I’m here an’ I’m there, I’m Big Ban Hank, I’m everywhere
Just throw your hands up in the air
And party hardy like you just don’t care
The source also said this:
“Kevin told her he was going to Vegas for a job, but he surprised her by proposing and [then planned on] marrying her while they are there. Victoria really wanted this for a long time so she’s gotta be blown away. She’s proven herself with him from day one. It’s about time Kevin got over Britney and went on with life. Victoria is an awesome girl.”
Oh yeah, some surprise. When K-Fed tells you that he’s going to Las Vegas for a job, you know something is up. Victoria Prince probably bawled through his proposal and not because she was so happy about becoming the next Mrs. K-Fed, but because she realized that he wasn’t there for an actual job.