Millions of us probably shouted, “Git it, Kevi,” tonight when the Emmys cut to Kevin Spacey sitting in the audience with the lost Hanson brother who ran off to Amish country where he sings and plays guitar every Thursday night in a cold brew coffee shop there.
Kevin Spacey was nominated for the 869th time for House of Cards and sitting next to him was a dude who gave me “Johnny Depp’s stylist” vibes. And sitting behind them were some people who were cursing Kevin’s seat mate out for blocking their view with that douche helmet on his head.
Since random is always finding a way to redefine itself, Kevin’s date is 42-year-old Evan Lowenstein, who made up one-half of the twin brothers pop duo Evan and Jaron. Evan and Jaron did that song that repeatedly fucked our ears raw in the year 2000. I’m going to apologize in advance for putting this in your head again:
Buzzfeed says that Evan doesn’t really do music shit anymore. He’s a manager and he manages Kevin Spacey, which is why they went to the Emmys together. The only thing more random than Evan from Evan and Jaron being Kevin Spacey’s Emmys date is Evan from Evan and Jaron being Kevin Spacey’s manager. I really hope that “early aughts music trick turned manager of a Netflix star” becomes a thing, because I really want one of the dudes from LFO to be Lily Tomlin’s manager.
And here’s Kevin and his manager friend strolling through Milan together last March:
Kevin Spacey’s Frank Underwood would be nothing without Robin Wright’s Claire Underwood, and I would say “vice versa,” but I’d definitely binge watch an entire Frank-less season of House of Cards where Claire just sends icy death rays at her rivals while working the hell out of a Donna Karan shift dress. Even though, Kevin and Robin’s roles are as equally as important, their paychecks weren’t equal until she pulled a Claire Underwood and demanded that those bitches pay her the same amount OR ELSE!
John Stamos better sleep on a floater in the middle of a pool full of holy water with crucifixes surrounding him and his body covered in polyester pajamas from KMart (the Olsens won’t get near anything that’s polyester and from KMart), because the Olsens are going to git him for calling them liars.
The Olsens apparently played dumb when Women’s Wear Daily asked them about the Full House spin-off called Fuller House. They acted like nobody talked to them about it and claimed they found out about it at the same time as everyone else. But I should’ve known not to believe what comes out of the mouth of those two shifty gothic leprechauns. John Stamos retweeted an article about the Olsens claiming he never told them about Fuller House and his response was: “I call bullshit.” Some source tells E! News that John Stamos has every right to call bullshit, because Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen did know about Fuller House before everyone else found out about it.
“They knew about the show. It wasn’t a surprise to them. They definitely knew it was happening.”
On second thought, Kerry Washington’s Emmy dress isn’t exactly Project Runway-levels of WTF (there’s not nearly enough peplums or random-ass fabric “flowers”). It’s actually closer in range to something Tina Knowles would have thrown together last-minute for Michelle Williams, if Tina Knowles ran out of satin, denim, neon lace, redundant belt buckles, fringe, and only had a bolt of busted Tang-colored jersey, some leftover ribbon scraps, and a pair of Beyoncé’s old sequined hot pants. Even Kerry Washington knows she looks not-great. Her face is like: “HAAAAAY! I’m a mess, but everyone loves me, so haters to the left!”
It’s a scientific fact that Kerry Washington can’t ever look bad, so technically this look falls into the category of ‘Not exactly a home-run’. But sometimes you just say fuck it, I’m wearing black-tie bike shorts and a dress with weird seams that make it look like I’m a reflection in a Fun House mirror, and applying some dusty blue garage doors to my eyelids and if I have time, I’ll finger-comb some Batiste dry shampoo through my hair in the limo, because YOLO. Or LIGAF. Or whatever the acronym for “fuck effort, I’m only here for the booze” is.
But my say something nice is that she kind of looks like what the lazy sluts do on Halloween when they forgot to get a costume and all they have to work with is an orange dress from Bebe, so they just go out to the club as “Sexy..uh…Halloween Girl?“, which is literally my favorite thing ever.
Here’s more of Kerry, as well as all the other fancy-dressed hos from the Emmys in no particular order. Just kidding! I put the hottest first! Jon Hamm (the whole gallery should be pictures of Jon Hamm from various angles, but I don’t wanna be a creep)(too late)! Christina “Chichi Queen” Hendricks! Peter Dinklage! Donna from That 70s Show!
Entertainment Weekly really wanted to stretch your WTF muscle until it snapped, so for their “25 Best Characters on TV” issue, they put Frank Underwood from House of Cards in drag as Selena Meyer from Veep and put Selena Meyer in drag as Frank Underwood. If you watch Veep and House of Cards, you know why they swapped them, but I won’t spoil anything here, because it’s too early in the week for death threats.
Above is a To Wong Foo’d Kevin Spacey looking like Jennifer Aniston if Jennifer Aniston swapped out her Smart Water for HGH tea and stopped
getting her weekly chemical face peels and laser treatments moisturizing her face with Aveeno every night. Kevin also kind of looks like a much hotter Patricia Heaton. The way Miss Kevin’s smirking tells me that he took his drag act all the way by wearing satin panties and he gets a flutter on the inside whenever his balls brush up against the silkiness.
And here’s a drag king’d up Julia Louis-Dreyfus looking like a cross between Cheri Oteri as Ross Perot and a Regis Philbin ventriloquist dummy.
I was going to title this post “Which Would You Rather?” but none of us can or want to make that decision. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we’d rather watch Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Frank Underwood drag work Kevin Spacey in Selena Meyer drag over with a strap-on while Kevin screams, “Fuck me harder, you varicose dick vein!” I hope they include that scene in the Veep/House of Cards crossover episode.
Kevin Spacey is pretty much going to Montgomery Clift it when it comes to the whole “loving peen on his tongue” thing. Go ahead and forward all of Kevin Spacey’s mail to the closet, because he’s not moving from there for a long damn while. While being interviewed for a Hollywood Reporter cover story, Kevin was asked about his personal life and the merkin on his head nearly caught on fire, because he didn’t like being asked about it and he didn’t want to talk about it. THR brought up an Esquire article from 1997 that mentioned that Kevin’s throat gets extra moist for peen tips. Kevin denied it at the time. Since then, Kevin has put a “DO NOT DISTURB, WHORES “sign on his closet door and wants to keep his personal shit private. When THR asked him about it, he spit this out:
“Let’s let people live their lives and do it the way they want to do it. All the chips will fall in the end, and we’ll all be judged by a much higher power than Entertainment Weekly can.”
“The chips will fall in the end“…. I don’t think I’ve done that gay sex act before. I better look that up. Kevin Spacey’s career wouldn’t change a bit if he came out, but really, we’ve all seen that picture of him staring at a twink’s ass like he was about to call Flat Rate movers and move permanently in between those ass cheeks. He wanted to live in there forever. Those glimmers in his eyes weren’t from the camera flash. It was from his eyeballs cumming over those boy buns. That picture said everything. But whatever, you do you (and who ever you want), Kevin. But will he please take that flattened and dead guinea pig on his head to the animal cemetery and give it the proper burial it deserves? That’s some shit that really concerns me.