Unless you live in a cave that doesn’t have WiFi you know most of Hollywood’s biggest and brightest were in attendance for the Golden Globes last night. But not Kevin Spacey. Nah, Hollywood hates him (for now) and he’s got too many legal issues to deal with. And in an attempt to not swap out that lifestyle for one with daily meals of chi chis and trying not to get shanked in the shower, Kevin showed up in court today for his sexual harassment hearing. However, he didn’t say much.
Kevin Spacey is still trying to prove to us he isn’t scum by making some creepy, ill-advised rounds in the aftermath of his sexual harassment allegations. On Christmas Eve, Kevin became Santa’s least favorite Ho when he slipped into a festive apron to address the allegations in character as his House of Card character Frank Underwood on YouTube, and all that did was make me think of what Colonel Sanders would sound like if he was accused of molesting his chickens. In other words; No Kevin. So how does one follow up a significant failure such as that one? By delivering pizza the the paps! What he should’ve done is deliver a thank you pizza to Louis C.K. instead.
Oh, Snapchat, it’s not only used for you to send naked pics to your piece while the puppy filter half-disguises your face. It can also be used to get video proof of an Oscar-winning actor groping you without permission.
Kevin Spacey’s team of lawyers found out that 2019 is going to be very busy for them. Not only do they have to defend him in a sexual battery lawsuit brought on by a massage therapist (how very Travolta of him) and possibly prepares themselves for charges in London, but they’ve got a case in Nantucket to deal with. Kevin was charged with felony sexual assault after a man claimed that Kevin groped him at a restaurant in Nantucket in 2016 when he was 18. Police say the assault was recorded, but Kevin’s lawyers have fought back with some good old-fashioned vicim blaming.
Kevin Spacey Got Charged With Felony Sexual Assault, And He Responded To Allegations In Character As Frank Underwood
Just when I thought that the news on this Christmas Eve Day was going to be slower than my brain function after I shove an entire carrot cake and two bottles of wine into my mouth in honor of Jesus’ born day tomorrow, two big things happened: 1. Kevin Spacey was actually charged with felony sexual assault. 2. Kevin Spacey redefined WHAT. THE. FUCK. by shitting out a video of him seemingly taking on the numerous boy assault claims in character as Frank Underwood from House of Cards.
Possible peen handler Taron Egerton is a movie professional so I’m going to have to assume he knows what he’s doing, but wringing his hands about #metoo and waxing poetic about his friendship with Kevin Spacey seem like maybe not the way to go when trying to promote your movie. But I guess Taron’s gonna do what Taron’s gonna do, no matter what me or his publicist thinks.
Taron’s still shaking the sequins out of his crotch from filming Rocketman, the Elton John biopic and is doing promotion for Robin Hood. So he’s making the rounds and spoke to Radio Times, commenting on both Kevin and the #metoo movement. Astoundingly, he’s now worried about being alone in a room with “certain people”, and Kevin isn’t one of them!
The bleach poured on my fingertips, eyeball holes, brain stem, nerves, basically all of the parts of my body (down low included) is still dripping after writing about SNL covering the Brett Kavanaugh hearings in DC, and before it even has a chance to dry I must now turn our attentions over to the shady dealings of Hollywood. I never thought I’d long for a day where the most exciting headline would be “Chris Pratt And Katherine Schwarzenegger Eat Potato Salad After Church“, but alas we are living in a new day where the cockroaches have no where to run when the lights turn on, so instead of a potentially saccharine headline, we are left instead with “Kevin Spacey Is Being Sued For Allegedly Groping A Massage Therapist“.