Kevin Smith almost died! He tweeted a shot of himself from the hospital bed saying he narrowly avoided death after having a massive “Widow-Maker” heart attack.
Ben Affleck is not going to rest until he’s solved this whole “Hollywood happy hands” problem. After announcing that he was going to lead the charge to vanquish sexual assault, Variety reports that Brother Ben (oh, you didn’t know? He’s a saintly monk now. Forget that old creeper Bruh Ben you used to know) is putting his money where his mouth is by donating all future The Weinstein Company and Miramax earnings to charity.
Sorry, I should clarify: a whole lot of women and a couple dudes. For some reason, the men of Hollywood aren’t exactly rushing to pipe up with their thoughts about the recent dump of sexual harassment allegations against Harvey Weinstein. Which I’m sure is just because they dropped their cellphones in the toilet and have no current means of communication, and not because they had been benefiting from doing business with the alleged creepy shower enthusiast. But for now, we’ve got the thoughts from plenty of actresses and a couple actors, including George Clooney.
Hello all. Welcome to He Said, She Said Theater. Please enjoy today’s performance of She Took To Twitter: A Play in Four Acts #tooktotwitter
Westworld robutt, Evan Rachel Wood, had some unkind words for Ben Affleck on Twitter yesterday. Paper Magazine tweeted a story in which Kevin Smith, at a recent Q&A for an Outfest screening of 1997’s Chasing Amy (via Gay Star News), recounted the time, 20 years ago, when Ben said of his onscreen kiss with co-star Jason Lee “a man kissing another man is the greatest acting challenge an actor can ever face.” Paper magazine said that Kevin said that Ben also said “now, I’m a serious actor.”
The only traumatizing experience I’ve ever had with Uber was when an Uber driver played Hoobstank during the entire ride. No, I don’t know what Hoobastank songs sound like. I used Shazam to find out because I wanted to make sure I got all the details right when filing a police report against that Uber driver for attacking my ear drums like that. But I have heard a couple of scary Uber-related stories and Kevin Smith’s 16-year-old daughter Harley Quinn Smith (born name: Harley Quinn Smith) told one to her Instagram followers over the weekend. And yes, her real name is Harley Quinn Smith. I guess Kevin Smith and his wife really wanted a name that screamed, “MY PARENTS ARE THE BIGGEST FUCKING NERDS ALIVE!” Now on to Harley’s Uber horror story….
In the early 2000s, Kevin Smith and Ben Affleck were best brofriends forever, but then Jennifer Garner came along and took a sledgehammer to their happy bromance home. Kevin was in San Diego last week for Comic-Con and Yahoo! Movies asked him if Ben Affleck was in town to promote that Batman v. Superman mess and Kevin used that time to call out Jennifer Garner for being a bromance-wrecking killer of dude bro dreams and friendships. Kevin says that Jennifer doesn’t like seeing his face or hearing him talk and she’s pretty much the reason why Ben Affleck kicked him out of his life the same way Southwest kicked him off of their plane for being too fat to fly.
“Great question. I don’t know, because we’re not fucking tight. I have not been [close with him] in decades. That’s old Ben. He’s got a wife that don’t care for me at all [Laughs]. And plus, honestly, he probably don’t care for me at all anymore. He’s a triple-A-list movie star and shit like that. If he’s Jimmy Carter, I’m Billy Carter, to put it in ’70s terms. And I’m not even related and shit.”
Kevin Smith obviously still holds onto the half-broken BFFs4EVA heart pendant that he and Ben bought together at Claire’s, because he can’t let go. Yahoo! Movies also points out that during his Silent Bob Speaks show at Carnegie Hall earlier this month, Kevin’s XXXXXL denim culottes twisted up into his asshole when he told the audience that Jennifer Garner’s funny bone was replaced with a stick up her ass and she sucked the raunchiness out of Ben:
“Jennifer does not share the same sense of humor as me — she did not like my jokes. I was picking on Ben Affleck making fun of him because I’ve known him for a really long time — I was talking smack — and Jennifer goes, ‘You know, if you keep saying stuff about him, I’m going to kick your ass.’ And she could — I’ve seen Alias. She has a real girly sense of humor and didn’t understand that I was kidding.
I remember talking to Ben and being like, ‘I know your lady is not finding me amusing. Ben, I’ve known you for years, and you are far sicker than I am!’ His jokes are way dirtier than mine. He’s made jokes to me, and I’ve been like, ‘Ben, you need to go to church.'”
It’s the worst when a friend’s new ho hates you. My best friend in high school dated this asshole-wrapped cunt burger who controlled her completely and didn’t want her to have any friends. True story, he once cut a slit in the Tasmanian Devil stuffed toy she kept on her bed and put some of his hair in it, because he wanted her to hug a piece of him at night. He was like Marky Mark in Fear without the six-pack. We fought all the time and he told me once that I just wanted to fuck her. After he said those words to me, I immediately punched out the address to the nearest hospital in Braille on a piece of paper and gave it to him, because his eyeballs obviously needed emergency medical attention since he couldn’t see that I look like the last person who wants to get intimate with a coochie.
But really, Kevin Smith is so full of shit. A trick with the initials JG is the reason why his and Ben’s friendship died, but it’s not Jennifer Garner. It’s Jersey Girl! That smegma-covered turd destroyed friendships, lives and everything else.