Photoshopping the faces and bodies of famous people is a tricky business. Some famous people, like Lena Dunham or Kate Winslet, will slap a bitch for retouching their pictures too much. Others, like Mariah Carey, Britney Spears, or the Kween of the Liquefy Tool herself Kim Kardashian, won’t sign off on a Photoshop job until the person in the picture looks like the Total Drama Island version of themselves. Last week, Kerry Washington sort-of came out as a member of Team No Photoshop when she called out a picture of herself on the cover of Adweek looking not a whole lot like Kerry Washington. And now Kerry wants to clarify her own Photoshop beliefs.
UsWeekly says Kerry spoke about her Adweek Photoshop incident at Oprah Winfrey’s SuperSoul Session conference on Saturday. According to Kerry, she’s not here for Photoshop work that makes people wonder who they’re looking at. However, she is still here for the kind that makes your face look like you haven’t been binge watching old episodes of Blind Date on YouTube till 3am.
“I want to be really honest. Photoshopping is not the devil. It’s not all horrible. I’ve had days where I show up to the cover of a magazine and I’m in a more hormonal moment of the month and I may have a big red dot [on my forehead]. When I had comments last week about a cover that I felt uncomfortable with, the response was like, ‘You don’t need anything’ and I was like, ‘Honey, I need something sometimes.’ And a wrinkle in the dress, you want to smooth that out — that’s great.”
She adds that the Adweek thing was a whole lot different than just smoothing out some wrinkles, because she “didn’t recognize” the person on the cover. Okay, but to be fair, it might not have been the photo editor’s fault. There were so many busy patterns going on in that picture that they probably got hypnotized and fell into a catatonic state. But they still had a deadline to meet, so their brain went into famous person picture retouching autopilot. “Is it a famous person? Check. Will I be applying every filter and blur tool known to Adobe? Check. Do we know who it is anymore? Nope! But I’m sure they’ll let us know on social media when the issue comes out.“
Ever since Kerry Washington got secret-married to former NFL player Nnamdi Asomugha back in 2013, there have been near-constant whispers that their relationship has been traveling down a not-so-secret road to a divorce. Since the “Kerry Washington marriage SCANDAL!” rumor is clearly never going to die, Kerry Washington decided to talk about it. Sort of.
Kerry got into her personal life during a lecture called The New Rules of Social Stardom at the SXSW festival in Austin, TX on Sunday (via UsWeekly) after an audience member asked her about the interest in celebrities and social media. According to Kerry, social media is great if you want to prove the haters wrong. Like if you’re Kim Kardashian, you throw up some videos that make it look like you totally spend time with your kids. However, Kerry wants you to know she’s not about sharing her life with strangers, and therefore you’ll never see her denying that she’s getting a divorce on Twitter.
“If I don’t talk about my personal life, it means I don’t talk about my personal life. That means not only did I not tell you when I was getting married, it also means if somebody has rumors about what’s going on in my marriage, I don’t refute them, because I don’t talk about my personal life.”
Kerry takes the “personal” part of her personal life very seriously. She also kept the birth of their 1-year-old daughter, Isabelle, a secret. So who knows? Maybe she’s already divorced, and we’ll only hear about it when she makes the dreams of Scandal fanfiction writers come true by getting secret-married to President Grant. But really, Kerry is smart. Why take precious time out of your busy schedule to talk about your relationship when you could let the Blind Items do the work for you?
When I saw Alicia Vikander (now Academy Award Winner Alicia Vikander) stroll down the red carpet last night, it gave me a massive nostalgia high. A lot of people probably did, thanks to Alicia’s Beauty and the Beast realness. But gazing upon that pale yellow poofy Louis Vuitton dress instantly whooshed me back to memories of playing a game called Beautiful Lady in my childhood bedroom. The rules of Beautiful Lady were simple: look like a beautiful lady. Usually I would play it safe and throw on a Dress n’ Dazzle 3-in-1 Glamour Gown and my exquisite Burger King ThunderCats ring. But if I wanted to look extra beautiful, I’d pull the fitted sheet off my bed and make a stunning ballgown.
I liked to use the fitted sheet because it was far more glamorous and show-stopping than the flat sheet. It puffed out at the bottom, and as everyone knew in the 80s, puffy = instant sophistication. It was dead easy – I’d just wrap it around my waist and fasten it with a banana clip. Then I’d throw on my “wig” (a pair of black nylons) and wait for the flattery to roll in. Alicia clearly knows that Beautiful Lady is always the look, because she made sure to pair her bedsheet dress with flat-on-top/long-in-the-back hair too. Although I don’t think her jewelry came from Burger King. If I had to guess, it’s probably some cheap crap from Harry Winston or something.
Alicia wasn’t the only one who was giving me flashbacks to my homemade fashion years. Kate Winslet also took me for a walk down memory lane.
The NAACP Image Awards happened in Pasadena, CA last night, and once again, grand master poser Taraji P. Henson melted the eyelashes off of hos left and right with her extra hot posing game. At the Golden Globes last month, Taraji took us on a journey with her poses. She was Scarlett O’Hara with the vapors. She was a shocked Norma Desmond. She was me whenever one of my friends get me a new butt plug for my birthday. She was everything and more. Taraji played it a little more subtle at the NAACPs last night, but she still posed like she was head of her class at Phoebe Price’s Community College of Exuding Raw Glamour.
Empire won a few NAACP Awards last night including one for Taraji for Outstanding Actress in a Drama Series. Taraji should’ve won another award for Outstanding Posing While Holding A Trophy Backstage At The NAACP Awards. Taraji served up intrigue and orgasm faces while posing with that award. She also gets extra points for making sure that we all got a good view of that trophy’s crotch. And I even love that she looked like a cross between Morticia Addams going to a daytime business meeting and a casual Magica de Spell.
Here’s a million more pictures from last night of everyone looking like they’re wearing dresses they bought at Windsor Fashions in the 90s. Well, everyone except for Cree Summer who looked like Pilgrim Pippi Longstocking on the right kind of acid.
Andy Samberg’s tiny-voiced wife Joanna Newsom is sort of known for having a “fuck it, I wear what I want” attitude when it comes to red carpet clothes. Which is great, because, fuck it – wear what you want. And last night was no exception. Obviously the WTF Award went to Heidi Klum and whatever the hell she was wearing, but Joanna came pretty close.
Joanna’s look is sort of a mix between “accident at the Mattel factory involving a Pink n’ Pretty dining room set” and “fancy new money jellyfish“, and I don’t hate it. She looks like what I imagine Miss Piggy’s powder room looks like; just tons of random fabric and shit covered in gems. Also, if you squint a little, her dress sort of looks like a penis with a wart on the tip. Just me? Okay.
Other than Joanna, not many other famous types brought the messy eleganza. Probably because they knew it was going to be so hot, and they just couldn’t be bothered. That, or they knew no matter how foolish they tried to look, they’d be no match for Alan Cumming and his dress CROCS.
Regardless, here’s a bunch of other dresses from last night. And pants! A bunch of ladies wore pants. I don’t really blame them; it’s a lot easier to run back and forth to the bar during commercials if you don’t have to pull 30 lbs of fabric along with you.
I can only imagine the disappointed thoughts Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are telepathically communicating to each other as they watch people walk the Met Gala red carpet. If had to guess, it was probably something along these lines:
“So much nude illusion fabric. And the sequins – so many sequins. I think I’m going to be sick.”
“I too am feeling ill, sister. Fetch me a fainting squirrel, I shall need to lie down.”
The Met Gala really isn’t the Met Gala until fashion’s creepiest pocket goths make an appearance. I was excited to see if they would wear something in keeping with the theme, but of course they didn’t. DUH! Mary Kate and Ashley showed up in the same floor-length body-swallowing black sadness sacks they always wear. I’m sure there’s a high-fashion word for whatever they’re wearing, but I’m scared I can’t afford to even look it up online. Whatever they’re wearing, I’m sure it’s very expensive and was made from the finest of endangered spider hairs and antique mourning lace.
Or maybe they’re dressed all in black as a not-so-subtle “You are DEAD to us” message to John Stamos.
And here’s what feels like everyone else from last night, but is really just 1/98th of the people there. Fucking everyone went to that Met Gala. I bet the rats behind Guy Fieri’s restaurant got dressed up in little rat-sized tuxedos and went too. Anyway, most were pretty boring, but some people brought it. AnnE Hathaway looked like a shimmery tapeworm, Dakota Johnson looked like the backsplash tile model from a home improvement show, and Anna Wintour looked like a street corner sign waver mascot for an opium den (don’t worry, I barely know what that means either).
When last year’s award season sweetheart (after the Texas T-Rex, of course) Jared Leto won the Independent Spirit Award for Best Supporting Actor for The Dallas Buyers Club, he spent a million minutes thanking every single person who ever lived from Steve Jobs to Mozart to Kurt Cobain to the billion people on Earth to James Gandolfini’s kids to the makers of vegan butter to the inventor of the zipper to his future ex-wife Lupita Nyong’o, etc.. etc… Bitch wasn’t done. At yesterday’s Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, CA, Jared Leto handed out the award for Best Supporting Actor and before J.K. Simmons’ name slipped out of his delicate lips, he mouth queefed out more people and animals he forgot to thank. And he did it whilewearing a blazer I swear Linda Dano wore on Another World at least once. As your ass can tell from the video from The Hollywood Reporter above, Jared thanked the frog he viciously murdered and Richard Simmons. Take out the frog-killing shit and switch out Poquito Mas for Del Taco and this would pretty much read like my acceptance speech if I won anything.
“That frog that I accidentally squeezed to death in second grade, thank you for teaching me how short life truly can be. Richard Simmons, my flexibility, endurance and uncanny fashion sense. All of my homies at Poquito Mas on Ventura Boulevard. And last but not least my grandmother for beating me senseless with a fly swatter, teaching me that you can’t get away with everything that you think you can. Respect your elders unless you want a can of whoop-ass.”
And a little later on last night, a wet piece of shit fell on Jared Leto’s head and he probably thought Linda Dano threw it at him for wearing her favorite blazer. But nope, it was the frog he murdered shitting on him from heaven for using its tragic death for laughs. This little speech might’ve made you roll your eyes out of their sockets, but I do appreciate him paying homage to the bedazzled dandelion Richard Simmons and NOT THE ONE abuelitas. However, I still can’t believe Jared hasn’t thanked the one person he needs to thank: Rickie Vasquez. Every speech where Jared Leto doesn’t thank Rickie Vasquez is a speech nobody needs to hear.
To see all the winners from yesterday, click here. Below are approximately ten thousand pictures of everyone who was at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday. You might want to put on some industrial-strength goggles before getting to Oprah’s picture, because her mighty chichis will punch your eyeballs if you don’t protect them.
All that’s missing is a tiny parasol and a hat made out of a giant flower. And bigger hair (those Rose Petal Place gals had some on-point beauty pageant hair). When I think of Golden Globes fashion, I think of champagne-scented body shimmer sophistication and still tacky eyelash glue glamour, as seen on living makeup brush Jennifer Lopez. What I don’t think of is Sears Summer Nightgown Fly Fishing Lure Couture, as seen on a newly knocked up Keira Knightley.
Not that she looks bad; she actually looks a lot like a very pretty porcelain doll I had when I was 6 whose glass eyes kept falling out, and even without eyes that doll was elegant as hell. But she’s not bringing enough devastating shimmer and shine to the red carpet. If there’s any time to wrap your baby gut in sequins, it’s at the Oscar’s drunk cousin.
Keira’s dress also reminds me of an embroidered dress I had when I was little that I called my “senorita dress”. It had elastic around the neck so you pull it down around your shoulders if you felt a little sassy. But since I was like 8 or something, I had to wear it around my neck, demure-style, like Keira. Maybe Keira figured that random butterfly on her right hand was sassy enough.
Here’s more Keira looking like a Barbie in a home-made dress, as well as a bunch of other famous types in questionable couture from last night, including Kristen Wiig who was feeling sassy enough, Rosamund Pike who was about two seconds from having everything fall out, and some chick named Tiziana Rocca who looks like Dina Lohan after a Long Island Ice Tea bender and may be my new life inspiration:
On second thought, Kerry Washington’s Emmy dress isn’t exactly Project Runway-levels of WTF (there’s not nearly enough peplums or random-ass fabric “flowers”). It’s actually closer in range to something Tina Knowles would have thrown together last-minute for Michelle Williams, if Tina Knowles ran out of satin, denim, neon lace, redundant belt buckles, fringe, and only had a bolt of busted Tang-colored jersey, some leftover ribbon scraps, and a pair of Beyoncé’s old sequined hot pants. Even Kerry Washington knows she looks not-great. Her face is like: “HAAAAAY! I’m a mess, but everyone loves me, so haters to the left!”
It’s a scientific fact that Kerry Washington can’t ever look bad, so technically this look falls into the category of ‘Not exactly a home-run’. But sometimes you just say fuck it, I’m wearing black-tie bike shorts and a dress with weird seams that make it look like I’m a reflection in a Fun House mirror, and applying some dusty blue garage doors to my eyelids and if I have time, I’ll finger-comb some Batiste dry shampoo through my hair in the limo, because YOLO. Or LIGAF. Or whatever the acronym for “fuck effort, I’m only here for the booze” is.
But my say something nice is that she kind of looks like what the lazy sluts do on Halloween when they forgot to get a costume and all they have to work with is an orange dress from Bebe, so they just go out to the club as “Sexy..uh…Halloween Girl?“, which is literally my favorite thing ever.
Here’s more of Kerry, as well as all the other fancy-dressed hos from the Emmys in no particular order. Just kidding! I put the hottest first! Jon Hamm (the whole gallery should be pictures of Jon Hamm from various angles, but I don’t wanna be a creep)(too late)! Christina “Chichi Queen” Hendricks! Peter Dinklage! Donna from That 70s Show!
You can’t so much as fart in Hollywood without hearing about it in detail (“A source close to the butt hole claims it was silent, but violent”), yet TMZ is saying that Kerry Washington gave birth to the baby she was pregnant…TWO WEEKS AGO. Now, two weeks may not seem like that long to you and me, but in Hollywood Time, that’s roughly the equivalent of 4 months (I’m sure Neil deGrasse Tyson will do a better job explaining Hollywood Time on a future episode of Cosmos). This is truly some Scandal-level sneakery.
TMZ says that on April 21st, Kerry and her husband, NFL player Nnamdi Asomugha, gave birth to a baby girl named Isabelle Amarachi Asomugha. The must have tiptoed in to Cedars-Sinai dressed like Secret Squirrel, or checked into triage under the name “Mr. and Mrs. Incognito”, because nobody tipped off the paps. Then all three of them must have climbed on top of each other’s shoulders and threw on an extra-long trench coat so they could sneak out in private as well. So sneaky. So smart. Kerry really is Olivia Pope.
So belated congratulations, Kerry and Nnamdi, on the arrival of baby Isabelle Amarachi Asomugha (I can pronounce that, but still can’t pronounce “Teresa Giudice” correctly), but also for managing to be a famous person who was able to give birth in Los Angeles without anyone knowing about it for almost two weeks after it happened. I’d like to see NDT explain the mystery behind that one.