Category: Kerry Katona

Kerry Katona Is Not Over The Moon

January 13, 2010 / Posted by:

This morning, I woke up to about a few e-mails proclaiming that the British disaster known as Kerry Katona took a lunar trip. Now when someone says they are “over the moon” it means one of three things: a) They are getting married b) They are having a baby or c) They are having anal sex with Kirstie Alley.

Unfortunately, Kerry Katona did not bump deep fried twinkies with Kirstie. Kerry claimed on a Twitter account that she was pregnant with a precious little coke baby. This is what she wrote:

“We are dead shocked but OVER THE MOON!”

“We are in SHOCK! But looking forward to new baby in 2010!

“Please god, let it be healthy and another boy would even it out! I wouldn’t normally say this early on but we have had a early scan and all looks well! I’m just past 7 weeks! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!”

Thankfully, Child Protective Services does not have to open a division devoted to Kerry Katona, because her rep claims the Twitter page is fake and she is not with child. According to Kerry, she’s been the victim of a hoax. Or has the hoax been a victim of Kerry Katona? It doesn’t matter, but we should all but thankful that April Fool’s Day landed on January 13th this year.

via The Sun

Mother Cuts The Lines Best

September 20, 2009 / Posted by:

Nothings warms the soul like a home cooked meal from your mother. Or in Kerry Katona’s case, nothing gives you the tingles like a home COKED meal of the bad shit from mom. The News of the World claims that Kerry’s gorgeous mum (I’m speaking British!), Sue Katona, sold her cocaine about two months before the video of her snorting the bad shit was released.

This isn’t that shocking since Saggy Sue, who probably stashes the coke in her cornucopia of chins, grabbed her daughter’s hand at the age of 14 and introduced her to the world of meth. A mother’s love knows no bounds!

A source-type said that Kerry gets the bad shit from wherever she can including her own mother. One time, Kerry sent her friend to pick up a little cokey goodness from her mother. Kerry’s 1-year-old son Maxwell also came along for the ride. The source went on to say, “Kerry’s mate flounced in the house with baby Maxwell in her arms. She asked Sue if she had ‘the stuff’. It was like it was the most normal thing in the world for her to pick up drugs for Kerry. As she shoved it in her bag, one of Sue’s friends said she should place the wraps in different parts of the car in case she was pulled over by the police.

Aw. Doesn’t this warm your dead heart just a bit? I mean, when Kerry is overdosing and foaming at the mouth, Sue probably wipes her face and sings her a sweet lullaby while feeding her Valium to calm her down. White Oprah better step up her game, because Sue Katona is a shoo-in for Mother/Dealer of the CENTURY!

(Images: Splash, Big Pictures)

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Kerry Katona Has Been Blacklisted

August 31, 2009 / Posted by:

Friends of Kerry Katona say she’s jobless, broke and still majorly hongray for the bad shit. They also said that Kerry is having a hard time getting her hands on the Lohan powder, because she owes several dealers a lot of money. Instead of breaking her knee caps or ripping her safe out of the wall, Kerry’s dealers have decided to stop serving her. They are no longer returning her calls. Shit just got serious.

One dealer told the Daily Star, “She was such a good customer that she got things on tick. But most of the dealers have turned their backs on her. Some have changed their numbers so she can’t ring. She’s so skint that she still owes some of them money. Nobody is looking for the money back though, they realize her problems are bigger than theirs.

When even your dealer feels sorry in the heart for you, it’s probably time to put yourself in the tank, close the lid and never come out until you’re no longer getting the shakes when you watch Scarface. And Kerry’s family better clear the house of all products with any kind of chemical in it, because you know that bitch is going to start smoking Drano and sticking NyQuil tampons up her cooze.

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The Latest In The Ongoing Drama That Is Kerry Katona’s Life

August 27, 2009 / Posted by:

British mother of the year (sorry, Katie Price), expert snorter, cocaine tape star and overall busted down mess, Kerry Katona, was arrested last night in Warrington after she punched her money man and threw a perfectly good cup of tea on him. I bet if there was a little codeine powder or whiskey in that cup of tea she wouldn’t have been so wasteful!

The story goes that Kerry went to visit with her accountant at his office and while they were going through her accounts, she flipped the fuck out like me when my cable freezes during a very important episode of Property Virgins (true story). Kerry’s accountant must have told her that all the money has somehow ended up her nose hole (or his pockets), because bitch went ballistic. The Sun says she started throwing office equipment around before she turned on her accountant. A source went on to say, “David started yelling back so she grabbed a cup of tea and threw it in his face – and punched him in the chops again for good measure.”

After Kerry busted and bruised a bitch, she jumped into her car and sped out of there. A few hours later came a knocking at her door. Knock! Knock! You’re arrested. Kerry was taken down to the station, quizzed (I’m speaking British!) and released. Kerry has to go back to the police station in the near future for another Q&A session.

This is just another shit nugget on Kerry’s head. And yes, the shit nuggets keep coming from her own ass. Kerry is basically bankrupt. She already lost her job as spokeswhore for the supermarket chain Iceland after that video of her Lohan-ing a line of coke surfaced. Kerry’s reality show on MTV was also canceled after ratings went into the toilet.

Kerry’s accountant isn’t a total victim. Dude went to the chokey in 2004 for fraud after investigators found £3.5 million of his clients money in his personal account.

Well, Kerry, you’re broke like a Real Housewife, you’ve got the fever for the bad shit and you’re a total shit mom….. There’s only one thing to do: pack up, move to the US and get your own Vh1 reality show! Or TLC. Your pick!

This Is News: Kerry Katona Does Coke

August 16, 2009 / Posted by:

Last night, my ass wrote some post about how Brad Pitt says he gave up the good shit when he had kiddies. Well, I joked that I would need to be on every kind of the bad shit in order to deal with little trolls running all around me with slobbery mouths and asses. Well, Kerry Katona shares my philosophy and there’s video proof of this! The News of the World (Of. Course.) somehow obtained a video (beware of the teddy bear cam!!!) of Kerry snorting a line of Lohan powder in her bathroom at 5pm while her daughters were downstairs playing. After Kerry gets a boost, she does the coke groan, checks her nostrils for evidence and then goes downstairs.

The video was apparently taken last Wednesday and it was the grand finale of a 4-day booze binge. A source said that pictures of Kerry’s husband slutting around with lap dancers in Majorca drove her to the edge, “She was saying she couldn’t forgive Mark and how she’d got revenge by sending him a text the night before declaring ‘One all’ – claiming that she’d cheated on him too.

Kerry admitted to being a cokey lover four years ago, but has denied away that she uses the stuff currently. Expect Kerry to show up on some morning talk show screaming shit like: “It was only Tylenol! For…um…me my migraines. And I also put a little powdered milk in there, because me bones are brittle! Tylenol and powdered milk. That’s all! Carry on!

Click here to see Kerry Katona getting Kate Moss-ed in her own home. The music really upped the production values on this video. Do you think Hans Zimmer did the music?

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I’ll Have What She’s Having

October 22, 2008 / Posted by:

Kerry Katona showed up to a live interview on The Morning with Fern and Philip today and this bitch was definitely walking on sunshine! Basically, homegirl was drunk, stoned, wasted, high, slow in the brains, smashed, buzzed, blazed and more! And more!

Kerry said she couldn’t sleep the night before, so she took some sleeping pills at 2am. That’s right! So don’t judge her. She washed down her medication with a few bottles of champagne. Well, it’s the only way the dolls will go all the way down! And because the bubbles tickle her nose too much, she has to stop the sensation with a little white powder. It’s not her fault! And then the powder kind of sticks to her nose, so she huffs a little computer duster to clean herself out completely. She can’t help it. If she didn’t have take medication, she wouldn’t have to go through all of that!

Instead of allowing her to float through the crystal (meth) clouds, Fern and Philip kept asking her annoying questions about her drinking habits! They were trying to say that she’s some kind of alcoholic or something. Kerry?! NEVER! Damn. There’s nothing worse than pesky H8RS trying to fuck with your buzz. They should have given her a light show and a massage instead of quizzing her like the Gestapo!

Thanks Bisou

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