The Americans Had A Baby

Or, for those of you who don’t watch The Americans and whose tastes lean a little more to the “things to watch while wine buzzed” side of things, Felicity and Peter from Love and Other Disasters. Congratulations, you two! You now have a baby.

According to UsWeekly, Keri Russell had the baby that was made with her Americans co-star and maybe side piece-turned-legit piece Matthew Rhys. Keri kept pretty hush about being knocked up by the dude she might have left her husband of 7 years for, and she’s being hush about the baby’s birth too. UsWeekly says it happened last week, but other than that, we don’t know much else. We don’t have a name, or know whether Baby Russell-Rhys is a boy or a girl. Although it sounds like Keri and Matthew were able to provide GPS coordinates, because a source tells UsWeekly that their current location is somewhere over the moon.

“Keri and Matt both look overjoyed and are over the moon to be new parents. They are always snapping pictures of the baby, and family and friends have been sending gifts.”

The Daily Mail has some pictures of Keri and Matthew and a sling-snuggled newborn strolling around New York yesterday.

Keri and Matthew’s new baby joins Keri’s two children from her marriage to Shane Deary, an 8-year-old named River and a 4-year-old named Willa. On the scale of celebrity baby names, those are pretty normal. They sound like The Boxcar Children’s free-spirited hippie commune cousins. With that being said, I really hope Keri and Matthew complete the theme by naming their new baby something like Melody or Sky. They’re but one name and a wooden flute away from a future farmer’s market ambient music trio.

Pic: Splash

Keri Russell And Matthew Rhys Maybe Made A Baby

Keri Russell and Matthew Rhys’ relationship started off on an ESCANDALOSO note, because she was still married to her first husband Shane Dreary when she apparently started wrapping her wandering poon around Matthew’s peen while shooting The Americans together. Keri boning her co-star was allegedly the reason why her marriage to that Dreary dude ate shit. That was around 2 years ago and Keri and Matthew are a still a thing. “Of course they’re still a thing, their show is still on and so bitch hasn’t moved on to another show and another co-star’s peen,” said us shady whores as we sip our morning tea. These two are so much a thing that they’ve made a baby together.

A source tells UsWeekly that the baby in Felicity’s womb is 4 months old and they’re really happy about it.

“Keri is more than four months along,” says an insider close to the pregnant-again mom of son River, 8, and daughter Willa, 4, with ex-husband Shane Deary, who she divorced in 2013 after seven years of marriage. A rep for Russell could not be reached for comment. Adds a source close to Rhys, “It’s so exciting for them!”

I thank the “source close to Rhys” for saying “It’s so exciting for them” instead of saying “They’re over the moon!” Let’s make 2016 an OTM-free year! (Cut to 5 minutes from now when 5 celebrity pregnancies are announced in a row and they all declare that they’re over the damn moon.)

I used to watch The Americans for the hot 80s fashions, the hot Russian spy moves and the hot Margo Martindale, but I stopped because it’s one of those shows that I have to pay attention to. I like to watch porn and make iTunes playlists inspired by Dorothy Zbornak’s outfits while watching a TV show, so I always got lost while watching The Americans. (Although I get lost while watching an episode of The Flinstones.) Because I don’t watch it anymore, I have no idea if Keri’s pregnancy can be worked into the storyline or if they’ll delay shooting. Better yet, I hope that they try to hide Keri’s baby dome with giant DOS computers or oversized Pee-Chee folders.

Pic: Wenn.com

Oh, It’s Just Lupita Nyong’o Flawlessly Working A Pair Of Formal Bike Shorts

The Glamour 2014 Women of the Year event was held last night in New York (hopefully it didn’t interfere with Cosmo’s Excellence in Pleasuring Your Man Awards), and one of said women being honored was Lupita Nyong’o, because – duh – she’s great. And to celebrate being crowned Best Woman or whatever, she rolled up to the event – chill as fuck – wearing a pair of formal bike shorts. Lupita don’t give a hot damn about a fancy gown! Lupita dresses for comfort!

As I mentioned yesterday, wearing clothes is hard, and sometimes you just want to keep it casual and let your down-low bits do their thing. Sometimes that means saying “Fuck Spanx!” and wearing a dress like a deflated hot air balloon, and other times that means pulling on a pair of shorts. I always wear shorts under my shorter skirts, for two reasons: so I can sit with my legs open when I start to get tired, and to ensure that no one catches a glimpse of my bits when I do so. Obviously Lupita feels the same way. But she knew that being honored with a Glammy calls for wearing something a little more formal than a pair of cut-off leggings, so she churched up a pair of white shorts with some rhinestones and beads. Leave it to that flawless bitch to be able to sit with her legs open and look classy as hell while doing it! Lupita truly is the woman of the year.

Here’s more of Lupita looking like a futuristic bike messenger bride at the Glammys last night, and more women at the Women of the Year event, including Jodie Foster, pussy lobbyist Amy Schumer, and the human definition of WERK IT HUNTY, Laverne Cox.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Keri Russell And Matthew Rhys Might Be A Thing

Earlier this month, Keri Russell’s spokeswhore told everyone that she and her husband of 7 years Shane Deary took a machete to their marriage the same way she dramatically CHANGED THE WORLD when she took a machete to her long locks during Felicity a billion years ago. Around the same time Keri announced that her marriage was done, two thieving thieves broke into her Brooklyn townhouse and stole some shit. Since I watch a lot of 48 Hours and my brain is programmed to think that everything is ESCANDALOSO, I figured Shane Deary hired two dudes to break into Keri’s townhouse and fuck her or some papers or something. Well, now Page Six says that Keri might be doing her The Americans co-star Matthew Rhys. THE PLOT THICKENS!

Several sources tell Page Six that Keri and Matthew Rhys are bumping nipples. On The Americans, Keri and Matthew play Soviet KGB agents who pretend to be the perfect suburban American husband and wife to get government secrets! Keri and Matthew apparently ate a meal together at ABC Kitchen in NYC and a witness type says that they were acting like they’re together together.

“Seeing the way they are together I could have sworn they were a couple. They were so touchy-feely, drinking and laughing.”

Keri and Matthew are currently filming the second season of The Americans in NYC.

Doesn’t Keri have a sort of history of fucking on her co-stars after the cameras turn off? So when she got cast in a show with Matthew Rhys, her husband probably started packing up his shit. I have so many questions! Is Keri boning on her co-star the reason why her marriage threw itself in a shallow ditch? If Keri and Matthew stop boning, what does this mean for The Americans, because seeing Margo Martindale as a KGB boss gives me life! Do you think while Keri’s riding Matthew, she stops and thinks to herself, “Shit, I used to fuck Scott Speedman!”

Keri is about as interesting as a piece of Styrofoam covered in tap water, but fucking on her co-star kind of makes her a little interesting. I’m sort of proud of her! Keep on bringing those ~scandals~, Keri!