As if Madonna needed to physically show us how thirsty she is. We know, girl!
Every year, Madonna descends upon the Met Gala with more excitement than a clown who just snorted a line of crushed espresso beans. Last night was no different. Madonna showed up in Duck Dy-Nasty camo couture, swigging something from a canteen. Who cares what the theme was; Madonna wanted to do drunk Bass Pro Shops beauty pageant queen, and so that’s what Madonna is gonna do.
Of course, Madonna did disappoint a teeny tiny bit. I’m of course talking about the fact that her ass – arguably the Met Gala’s most frequent guest – was nowhere to be seen last night. Given the theme of her ensemble, she could have taken it further by letting her ass cheeks flop around behind her like two plucked mallards. Madonna’s look was done by Jeremy Scott for Moschino, so I blame him for that.
Emma Stone really didn’t have much to say about that junior prom princess dress when she reached Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet of the Golden Globes last night. The face she’s making in that picture above kind of says all that needs to be said, really. It’s very “Please direct all Worst Dressed lists to my stylist.”
Cate Blanchett was at the Tony Awards in NYC last night, because she’s making her Broadway debut later this year in a show that isn’t Hamilton. (I know, why are other shows even bothering?) Judging by that butchered-up look on Cate Blanchett’s body, I’m guessing that she was also there, because she knew that most thi-turr people play it safe by wearing the most boring dress at Lord & Taylor, so she needed to give the public something that’ll hurt their eyeballs and make their retinas curl. Thank you, Cate!
Or, for those of you who don’t watch The Americans and whose tastes lean a little more to the “things to watch while wine buzzed” side of things, Felicity and Peter from Love and Other Disasters. Congratulations, you two! You now have a baby.
According to UsWeekly, Keri Russell had the baby that was made with her Americans co-star and maybe side piece-turned-legit piece Matthew Rhys. Keri kept pretty hush about being knocked up by the dude she might have left her husband of 7 years for, and she’s being hush about the baby’s birth too. UsWeekly says it happened last week, but other than that, we don’t know much else. We don’t have a name, or know whether Baby Russell-Rhys is a boy or a girl. Although it sounds like Keri and Matthew were able to provide GPS coordinates, because a source tells UsWeekly that their current location is somewhere over the moon.
“Keri and Matt both look overjoyed and are over the moon to be new parents. They are always snapping pictures of the baby, and family and friends have been sending gifts.”
The Daily Mail has some pictures of Keri and Matthew and a sling-snuggled newborn strolling around New York yesterday.
Keri and Matthew’s new baby joins Keri’s two children from her marriage to Shane Deary, an 8-year-old named River and a 4-year-old named Willa. On the scale of celebrity baby names, those are pretty normal. They sound like The Boxcar Children’s free-spirited hippie commune cousins. With that being said, I really hope Keri and Matthew complete the theme by naming their new baby something like Melody or Sky. They’re but one name and a wooden flute away from a future farmer’s market ambient music trio.
Keri Russell and Matthew Rhys’ relationship started off on an ESCANDALOSO note, because she was still married to her first husband Shane Dreary when she apparently started wrapping her wandering poon around Matthew’s peen while shooting The Americans together. Keri boning her co-star was allegedly the reason why her marriage to that Dreary dude ate shit. That was around 2 years ago and Keri and Matthew are a still a thing. “Of course they’re still a thing, their show is still on and so bitch hasn’t moved on to another show and another co-star’s peen,” said us shady whores as we sip our morning tea. These two are so much a thing that they’ve made a baby together.
A source tells UsWeekly that the baby in Felicity’s womb is 4 months old and they’re really happy about it.
“Keri is more than four months along,” says an insider close to the pregnant-again mom of son River, 8, and daughter Willa, 4, with ex-husband Shane Deary, who she divorced in 2013 after seven years of marriage. A rep for Russell could not be reached for comment. Adds a source close to Rhys, “It’s so exciting for them!”
I thank the “source close to Rhys” for saying “It’s so exciting for them” instead of saying “They’re over the moon!” Let’s make 2016 an OTM-free year! (Cut to 5 minutes from now when 5 celebrity pregnancies are announced in a row and they all declare that they’re over the damn moon.)
I used to watch The Americans for the hot 80s fashions, the hot Russian spy moves and the hot Margo Martindale, but I stopped because it’s one of those shows that I have to pay attention to. I like to watch porn and make iTunes playlists inspired by Dorothy Zbornak’s outfits while watching a TV show, so I always got lost while watching The Americans. (Although I get lost while watching an episode of The Flinstones.) Because I don’t watch it anymore, I have no idea if Keri’s pregnancy can be worked into the storyline or if they’ll delay shooting. Better yet, I hope that they try to hide Keri’s baby dome with giant DOS computers or oversized Pee-Chee folders.
The Glamour 2014 Women of the Year event was held last night in New York (hopefully it didn’t interfere with Cosmo’s Excellence in Pleasuring Your Man Awards), and one of said women being honored was Lupita Nyong’o, because – duh – she’s great. And to celebrate being crowned Best Woman or whatever, she rolled up to the event – chill as fuck – wearing a pair of formal bike shorts. Lupita don’t give a hot damn about a fancy gown! Lupita dresses for comfort!
As I mentioned yesterday, wearing clothes is hard, and sometimes you just want to keep it casual and let your down-low bits do their thing. Sometimes that means saying “Fuck Spanx!” and wearing a dress like a deflated hot air balloon, and other times that means pulling on a pair of shorts. I always wear shorts under my shorter skirts, for two reasons: so I can sit with my legs open when I start to get tired, and to ensure that no one catches a glimpse of my bits when I do so. Obviously Lupita feels the same way. But she knew that being honored with a Glammy calls for wearing something a little more formal than a pair of cut-off leggings, so she churched up a pair of white shorts with some rhinestones and beads. Leave it to that flawless bitch to be able to sit with her legs open and look classy as hell while doing it! Lupita truly is the woman of the year.
Here’s more of Lupita looking like a futuristic bike messenger bride at the Glammys last night, and more women at the Women of the Year event, including Jodie Foster, pussy lobbyist Amy Schumer, and the human definition of WERK IT HUNTY, Laverne Cox.