The Real Star Of The Trailer For “Murder On The Orient Express” Is Kenneth Branagh’s Magnificent Silver Stache And Pussy Patch
Poirot purists (Poirists?) are screaming blasphemy today, because the trailer for the new Murder on the Orient Express movie is out and Kenneth Branagh’s ridiculous Poirot look is all wrong. While I love Kenneth Branagh’s grey Wilford Brimley-on-roids mustache and the porn star grandma’s crotch patch on his chin, many don’t. Some Agatha Christie fans don’t want a Poirot not named David Suchet, let alone a Poirot who looks like a shapeshifting human who is about 5% into shapeshifting into a fluffy grey cat. I guess some can’t appreciate a stache that looks like two streams of hairy snot coming out of a nose.
Here’s the trailer for Disney’s live-action Cinderella and it’s pretty much the cartoon acted about by humans, CGI mice and wigs. It looks like they didn’t change a thing. Kenneth Branagh, who directed this, coughed up an exact adaptation and he also crammed in as many actors from Games of Thrones and Downton Abbey as possible. Just when Cinderella couldn’t take one more actor from GoT or Downton Abbey, he shoved one more in there. (And yes, I just realized what I typed.)
I know the story of Cinderella is burned deep into our brains like the image of Chyna’s clitorpeen is, but this trailer is the movie on speed. They give everything away. You almost don’t need to spend $45 and a kidney (or however much a movie ticket is these days) to sip canned wine from a paper bag in a darkened theater while surrounded by a bunch of brats and their parents loudly talking at the screen. The trailer shows you the whole movie!
There’s Cinderella (played by Lily James) looking all bland, boring, needy and whiny. Prince Charming (played by the King in the North from GoT who is ready for your red wedding jokes) looking all neanderthal-ey and constipated. There’s Kenneth Branagh’s former piece Helena Bonham Carter looking like a Marilyn Monroe Marie Antoinette. And finally, there’s Cate Blanchett who adds a touch of glamorous evil to that fondue pot of boring. Cate Blanchett is cutting bitches with those sharpened shiv brows and she’s giving me Phoebe Price in the cheek area. I even love that her costumes are something Mildred Pierce would wear to a Scarlett O’Hara costume party. I just hope that she stays regally cunty from beginning to end and doesn’t pull a Maleficent (SPOILER ALERT) by growing a heart. It’s always a sad day for bitches when an iconic villain starts feeling things.
Looking at that picture again, it’s obvious that Emma Thompson is saying to Helena Bonham Carter, “….why you little home wrecking hussy whore, I can smell my husband’s musty nutsack on your bref from here,” while a blurry evil stepmother-like bad influence on HBC’s shoulder says to her, “Fuck her, get that uncut dick, honey.” It all makes sense now.
All they back in 1995, Emma Thompson and Kenneth Branagh’s marriage died and the rumor was that it ended after she found out he stuck his wayward dick in Helena Bonham Carter’s crumpet. At the time, Emma and Kenneth were married for 6 years and she had worked with HBC in Howard’s End. Kenneth then did Emma wrong by doing HBC while shooting Frankenstein and the two stayed together until 1999. Emma hasn’t really talked about how she was the British Jennifer Aniston of her time, but in the Sunday Times (via The Daily Mail) she says that she forgives HBC and the two made nice years ago.
On letting go of any rage she felt for HBC: “You can’t hold on to anything like that. It’s pointless. I haven’t got the energy for it. Helena and I made our peace years and years ago.”
On how she used her hurt feelings to play a wronged wife in Love Actually: “I’ve had so much bloody practice at crying in a bedroom, then having to go out and be cheerful, gathering up the pieces of my heart and putting them in a drawer.”
On how she and HBC are kind of alike: “Being slightly mad and a bit fashion-challenged. Perhaps that’s why Ken loved us both. She’s a wonderful woman, Helena.”
Emma probably blessed Kenneth and HBC with her forgiveness after she made DanRad, Emma Watson and the ginger one hold them down while she choked them out on the Harry Potter set. But seriously, yes, Emma Thompson is a shiny jewel lying on top of life’s greatest treasures, but it’s probably semi-easy to forgive Helena Bonham Carter and that whore Kenneth Branagh when you can wipe your tears with Greg Wise’s dick almost anytime you want.
And the real story here is that we haven’t given HBC the credit she truly deserves. HBC scooted on Kenneth Branagh’s married peen and she supposedly got on Tim Burton when he was engaged to Lisa Marie. I’ve always said that Sienna Miller is the home wrecking hero of Britain when HBC passed her sledgehammer baton to Sienna. Forgive me for not knowing my British home wrecking history, HBC!