Kim Kardashian replicant Kendall Jenner was relieved of over $200,000 worth of ugly jewelry on Wednesday night. Police think that either a party guest pilfered her jewelry box or someone tip-toed their way in during said party to get to her expensive baubles (which she’s usually splashing all over on the Internet). Either way, someone had to be blamed and a security guard is currently updating his LinkedIn’s “skills” section to include “Guarding Narcissistic Mounds of Plastic.”
E! has been showing a zillion previews and milking every last drop from future episodes of Keeping Up the Kartrashians where Kim Kartrashian tells the tale of getting robbed at gunpoint in Paris as The Slow One sits there blank-faced dreaming about salad and Khlozilla also sits there blank-faced dreaming about the wild boar she’s going to catch in the woods later that night. Well, it’s Kendall Jenner’s turn to sit in front of the cameras and tell the tale of getting robbed, because someone reportedly snatched $200,000 in jewels from her house last night. Only this is probably not a Bling Ring 2.0 type of thing and it doesn’t look like thieves broke into her house like they did to Alanis Morrissette. It looks like someone who was partying at Kendall’s house last night did it. DUN DUN DUN (not really).
And in a stunning development that may cause you to tip over with pure shock, Kim Kartrashian didn’t shoot reenactment scenes of her Paris robbery for an Unsolved Mysteries-style 12-part investigative event airing on E!. Pimp Mama Kris is saving for that sweeps.
Ocean’s Eight was turning out to be my kind of movie. It had everything: a dramatic heist, a random cast that summoned a million question marks, Cate Blanchett in “washed-up rocker lesbian turned owner of an art gallery” chic and a dog on a skateboard (just lie to me and tell me they gave that talented bitch a major role). But then the evil makers just had to taint it with a giant plastic splattering of fame whores. Kim Kartrashian and all-natural sliver of dehydrated celery Kendull Jenner will be in it. Well, I guess every movie needs a piss break and it’s pretty fitting to make Kim the star of a pee time scene.
Back in November, 21-year-old Kendall Jenner showed up in a Facebook Live makeup tutorial with her sister Kylie Jenner. Kendall had returned from a social media break, and it appeared that one of the souvenirs she brought back from her little vacation away was a set of new lips. Kylie tried to silence the rumor that Kendall got lip injections by claiming she over-lined Kendall’s lips. I’m happy that Kylie thought of the environment and decided to recycle one of her old excuses.
Khloe Kartrashian was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to pimp out whatever who cares, and she once again proved that her fame whore family is really pulling back on flaunting their gaudy ass riches by saying that a stranger handed Kendall Jenner keys to a $250,000 Rolls-Royce on Wednesday night. In Khloe’s Juvéderm’d brain (Yes, she Juvéderms it. All wrinkles are gross!), she thinks that the dude was a regular Oprah and just gave Kendall a car for free.
And yes, it was an even bigger disaster than Kylie Jenner’s bleached mop, which makes her look like KimBot 2.0.
Don’t ever try out to be a model in one of Kanye West’s fashion shows. You’ve probably made that mental note already, but make it again. Because you do not want Kim Kartrashian’s rubber alien mask face to be the last thing you see before you die of heatstroke. Kanye’s Yeezy season 4 show was held on Roosevelt Island in NYC today, and just like last season’s show, he had a bunch of models standing around for a long time. But since they were outside for hours and it was over 85 degrees in NYC today, some couldn’t take the heat and did what Pimp Mama Kris does when one of her hos jokes about hating fame: they passed out.