Category: Ken Paves

Breaking: The Olsens Don’t Totally Look Like Death Demons

June 5, 2012 / Posted by:

The CFDA Awards (which are like the Golden Globes of fashion since the Barbizon graduates fashion show is the Oscars of fashion, duh) were held in NYC last night and the modern day Grady Twins slithered onto the red carpet to almost touch nipples for the photographers while slyly smirking. I was taught in catechism class to never trust an evil Olsen’s smirk, but these pictures of Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen aren’t making the slivers of my soul cry. For once, they don’t totally look like they’re chewing on the cartilage of baby squirrels while killing us softly with their eyes. They kind of look like the Marilyn and Lily Munster in all-lemur production of The Munsters. And yes, I’m typing this all with one hand while holding a crucifix dipped in holy water at my monitor. I still don’t trust those bitches even if they look human now.

Since Mary-Kate Olsen is trying to become the grown up Queen of France, or some shit, she went for a more sophisticated (or as my cousin says it, “sophistimicated“) look by dying her hair the color of her soul. I read a comment on another site that said by dying her hair brown, MKO is trying to look like a young Carla Bruni. Ho, please. The only way MKO could look like Carla Bruni is if she crawled into Carla’s mouth and took over her body. I shouldn’t give that Trollsen any ideas.

Here’s a few more pictures from last night’s Golden Globes of fashion. In order: The Trollsens with Lauren Hutton, Marc Jacobs with his porn piece, Karen Elson, Pharrell Williams (dressed like Little Lord WTF), John Waters with guest, Phil Collins’ daughter, a stunning spider woman beauty, Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Titty, Heather Graham, Zoe Saldana, Mandy Moore, Chupa, Michelle Harper and Basement Baby.

Steve Madden Says The Trollsens Are A Pain In The Ass To Work With

June 1, 2012 / Posted by:

I think I’m the only one who didn’t know that Steve Madden is an actual person and not just some random name a huge corporation came up with for their shoe line. I honestly didn’t know this. But this is coming from a dumb stupid bitch who up until I was 17 or so really thought that when I put my ear to a conch shell, I can hear the waves crashing onto the beach where the shell was found. I wish I was telling you a joke. I really believed that the huge shell your grandma keeps on her coffee table is like a direct telephone connection to the ocean. Like sea magic at work! Who did I think I was? The little fucking mermaid? I wish I could blame it on drugs, but I can’t. It’s just my natural dumbness. So when I call a dumb bitch a “dumb bitch,” I’m totally projecting.

So, Steve Madden the person has worked with the double, double toil and trouble twins for five years and most recently he worked with them to bring the Italian brand Superga to the states. At the opening party for Superga’s first US store in NYC, Steve Madden told Fashionista that everything they say about working with trolls is true. They cackle behind your back, nip at your ankles when you disobey them and threaten to eat the hair on your first born’s head if you look at them funny.

“They’re very demanding, they’re very tough. You know, just tough, tough. They want what they want. And so we worked hard to get that done. They are difficult. They are exacting. They are a pain in the ass. But they’re very good though. No. They’re awesome. They’re very grown up, very worldly. And I’m very immature. So we meet in the middle.”

Demanding and tough? Steve Madden is just being dramatic for the sake of being dramatic. How hard could it be to work with those demon children? If they don’t get what they want, they just put their heads together and force you to stare into their eyes as their irises project images of your gruesome demise if you don’t do exactly what they say. That’s not being tough at all!

The Daughter Of The Death Eaters Is Dating A Sarkozy

May 30, 2012 / Posted by:

UsWeekly says that Danny Tanner’s daughter turned serious businesstroll Mary-Kate Olsen is humping on a fancy French dude who is 17 years old than her. As you’re reading this right now, MKO is doing a line of crushed bones off the inner thigh of 42-year-old Olivier Sarkozy who’s Nicolas Sarkozy’s younger brother. A source type says that MKO and Olivier have been bumping b-holes under the pale moonlight for about a month now.

“It’s true, they’re dating, and she’s definitely interested in him. MK is constantly complaining about boys not being mature enough for her. She got the kids out of her system. Now being a businesswoman dominates her time, and she is rarely impressed with guys. They are good for each other.

These two don’t make sense at all. MKO’s idea of a good time is licking tombstones in a Parisian cemetery at 3am and I doubt Olivier’s idea of a good time is watching a troll lick tombstones in a Parisian cemetery at 3am. This is so random that it’s probably planned. Just look at that sinister look in MKO’s eyes. If you replaced that cup in her hand with a poisoned apple, that picture would make more sense. I don’t trust that Olsen and I know what kind of dark-sidedness she’s up to. MKO is going to go from Olivier Sarkozy to the former President of France to the current President of the France to becoming the President of France to becoming the President of Europe to becoming the President of the World! That’s totally her plan. Quick, somebody tell Harry Potter to stop that bitch before it’s too late.

The Glamour Ghouls Of The Met Ball

May 8, 2012 / Posted by:

I know. I know. It’s Met Ball bukkake on Dlisted today, but this is hopefully my last post on this mess and I’m going out on a terrifying note by giving you things that do bumps in the night. While human hos at the ball sipped on calorie-free champagne, these vampires, zombies, charbroiled trolls and grandma witches sipped on calorie-free carbonated souls. If you put your ear to the screen, you can practically hear the screeches from a pristine young virgin running naked through the halls of the Met as these scary bitches chase after her. Where was Scooby-Doo and the rest of the Mystery, Inc. gang when hos needed them most?

Grab your crucifix, put your garlic bulb anal chain around your neck and get close to the Royal Court of the Death Eaters. In order: Mary-Kate Olsen (looking like the Snow White witch after the dwarves dropped that boulder on her), Anna Wintour, Ronnie Wood (with his toddler-aged girlfriend), Sarah Jessica Parker with Tan Mom’s skin idol Valentino, Donatella Versace, Chupa Zoe and Lana Del Taco.

Johnny Depp And Ashley Olsen Might Have Spent The Night Together

March 21, 2012 / Posted by:

Vanessa Paradis sort of kind of denied that VaJohnny was over, but the rumor that she’s staying home with the chirruns while he’s out there being a drunk slut is still around. The latest rumor from InTouchWeekly (aka The Grain of Salt Times) is that Johnny spent the night in the den of a Trollsen and didn’t want anybody to know about it. On February 26th, Johnny slid into Ashley Olsen’s Tribeca troll chambers and tried to make a slick escape the next day by exiting out an office building connected to her apartment building. An e-mail went around to office workers telling them that Johnny was coming through because he wanted to escape from the paps. But a source says that the truth is Johnny didn’t want anybody to know he was up in a Trollsen’s cave.

It turns out the star, 48, was secretly leaving 23-years younger Ashley’s loft after a sneak slumber party. Arriving in the afternoon of February 26, Johnny hunkered down in Ashley’s Tribeca digs until noon the next day — nearly 24 hours later. “It was quiet in her apartment, like it was just the two of them in there,” an insider recalls, and though no one outside can know what happened, “It didn’t seem like it was just a visit between friends.”

Whatever the twosome were up to during their overnighter, it certainly left Johnny exhausted. When the star finally left the next day, “he looked like he was out of it,” an onlooker said.

This doesn’t make sense for so many reasons. The main one being that if Johnny was up there having drunken, stoned greasy hobo mole rat sex with Ashley Olsen, it wouldn’t be quiet in her apartment. The cloud of oily stank wafting off of them as they bumped wet parts would set off the carbon monoxide detector and the sight of those two going at it would make every rat in the building run for their lives. It would be like a scene out of the Rats of NIMH. So yeah, I don’t buy it. But if it did happen, now would be a perfect time for Johnny to play that celebrity “going to rehab for exhaustion” card.

via Lainey

Ashley Olsen Is Retiring From Acting FOREVER!!!!!

March 8, 2012 / Posted by:

The Hollywood sign still has dried tears on it from when Amanda Bynes quit acting for five seconds that one time, and now it has to suffer through the pain of knowing that one of the goth trolls who used to nibble on the bones of squirrels under it has retired from the acting world for the rest of eternity. Ashley Olsen is really busy selling $39,000 backpacks to total fucking morons and she no longer has a passion for memorizing lines and saying them in a dead monotone voice in front of a camera. While Mary-Kate Olsen is acting in a bunch of crap, Ashley tells Elle UK that she’s through with it:

“We worked non-stop until we were 18. Then we decided to take a break and go to school – and that was when we decided to question whether we would carry on in entertainment. It was time to step behind the process. I wanted to work on other things.

It doesn’t mean I’m not interested in Hollywood, I like the way it operates and the people who are involved and the sense of possibility. But if I ever do get back in, it’s not going to be as an actress. It just felt right to move away.”

But…but… If a movie needs two pieces of driftwood covered in yellow seaweed, who’s going to play the other one? If Hollywood does a reimagining of The Shining with The Chronicles of Narnia characters in the lead roles, who’s going to play the other Gollum Twin? Oh well, I guess if Hollywood really needs another Olsen Troll, they’ll get the Illuminati to make them another one using a garden gnome and the blood of a sacrificed chipmunk. At least we’ll always have Holiday in the Sun.

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