Second-tier Destiny’s Child member and Diddy wig inspiration Kelly Rowland believes that a gal should know if her dude has had a penis (other than his own) in his life before getting on her. Kelly is in the middle of whoring out a Lifetime movie she’s in, called Love By The 10th Date (SUCH a Lifetime movie title). It’s about relationships, and there’s a bisexuality/men on the “down low” plot line. So Kelly gingerly dipped her toe in Vivica A. Fox’s pool who may have sounded “just the teensiest-tiniest bit homophobic” during an interview with the New York Post.
The 35th anniversary of the birth of Beysus (I’ll pause here for all of us shady bitches who need to throw a side-eye at “35“) was on Sunday and she celebrated Beymas all weekend long. Beyonce and Blue Ivy Carter spent Friday with Michelle Obama at Camp David, Chance The Rapper serenaded her at the Made In America festival in Philadelphia on her actual born day, and last night she threw herself a giant Soul Train-themed party in NYC. A zillion famous tricks went to Beyonce’s party, including Puffy whose puffy b-hole probably screamed out a YES when he got the invitation, because he finally had a reason to wear that $3 swap meet-bought Vinnie Barbarino wig.
This might be the first time Amber Heard is scrunching up her nose because she thinks it looks cute and not because her nose hairs are violently cringing at Johnny Depp’s stank. Mark it in your calendars!
The last time human cigarette butt Johnny Depp and his midlife crisis wife strolled down the red carpet, he left behind a toxic trail of rancid hair grease and stinky tooth fumes, and the red carpet died. It was tragic. I guess Johnny was afraid of a future class action lawsuit if he killed any more red carpets with his grossness, because he showed up to The Art of Elysium’s 9th annual HEAVEN Gala last night in Los Angeles looking clean and showered. I know, I can’t believe it either.
I have no idea how this happened. Maybe he accidentally slipped into a soapy bathtub. Maybe he took a tour of the EPA head office in Washington and wandered into a decontamination room on his way to the men’s room. Or maybe this is actually an alien disguised to look like Johnny Depp, but the only reference it had to go off of was a 15-year-old VHS copy of Chocolat. Yeah, that’s got to be it.
Since Johnny Depp took a temporary break (I’m sure he’ll be back to looking like the dirty reusable rag from a truck stop hand dryer in no time) from being the unofficial red carpet mess, Ed Westwick generously stepped up and filled in.
I have no idea why the douchey dude from Gossip Girl is dressed like “The Older One” from a late-90s boy band, but it’s happening. If I had to guess more about Ed’s boy band persona based off of this look, I’d say his nickname is either Shaydz or Sensual D, and his signature music video dance move is intensely staring into the camera while doing prayer hands.
Here’s more from last night’s Art of Elysium event, including some of special guest Vivienne Westwood, who legit looks like an alien and isn’t trying to hide it.
Even though this picture is blurrier than Dina Lohan’s vision, I love that you can still make out the look on Michelle Williams’ face that says “Wait, is my mic even on?” Sidenote: if Michelle Williams or Kelly Rowland or LeToya Luckett ever write a book, that should be the title.
So that Destiny’s Child reunion that was rumored to be happening at the Stellar Gospel Music Awards on Saturday night happened. Kelly, Michelle, Beyonce (who has definitely already filed this performance as a charitable donation on her 2015 taxes) sang the song “Say Yes” from Michelle’s gospel album Journey to Freedom. Yes, they performed one of Michelle’s songs. I know, I too have fallen and I can’t get up. Beyonce even let Michelle stand in the middle and sing on her own, too! Maybe Jesus had a talk with Beyonce back stage before they went on and warned her that if she tried to pull any spotlight-stealing Beyonce bullshit, he’d use his magic Jesus powers to unplug her wind machine.
The actual show doesn’t air till next weekend, but I’ve included a couple clips of Destiny’s Child performing “Say Yes” after the cut.
That sound you just heard was Daddy Knowles frantically shoving what was leftover from his Destiny’s Child yard sale into his mobile retail station (aka his car) and hauling ass to Las Vegas so he can be the first merch vendor in the parking lot.
Page Six says that Destiny’s Child will be reuniting for the first time since Super Bowl XLVII at the Stellar Gospel Music Awards this evening in Las Vegas. I know that seems random as hell, but it’s all happening because Michelle Williams is up for a bunch of awards, and since the only thing Beyonce loves more than a Photoshopped thigh gap is the chance to grab someone else’s spotlight, she’s going and she’s dragging Kelly Rowland with her. A source says Destiny’s Child will be opening the show.
There’s also a rumor that Destiny’s Child’s performance this evening might be their sneaky way of announcing a reunion tour, but Beyonce’s rep (Basement Baby using a pay-as-you-go cellphone on loan from Blue Ivy) says that’s not true.
The Stellar Gospel Music Awards won’t air until next Sunday, so we’ll have to wait a whole week to see just how much Beyonce tried to upstage Kelly and Michelle or if she reused her angel costume from the Grammys. But I think we can all agree their performance will probably look a little something like this:
NO! Beyonce would never! And Beyonce totally won’t walk on stage to accept Michelle’s awards tonight either. Although if I were the Stellar Gospel Music Awards, I might want to think about securing the perimeter for Kanye West.
Somewhere in a solid gold diamond-encrusted Illuminati pyramid playhouse on a private island you’ve never heard of, Blue Ivy Carter has started practicing her “Bitch, NO” face to be used in the future for when she forms a platinum-selling super group in her garage with Kelly Rowland’s new baby and Michelle Williams (“Michelle, here’s $50; go sing backup for my kid” – Beyonce), and Kelly’s baby has the audacity to claim they’re the second lead vocalist.
People says that on Tuesday afternoon, Kelly Rowland gave birth to the Destiny’s Child growing in her fetus hatch, and now she and her husband/manager Tim Witherspoon are the parents of a baby boy named Titan Jewell. Kelly told People back in July that her husband had picked out the name for their baby and that it had something to do with family, so I’m guessing Tim’s dad is either the alien mayor of one of Saturn’s moons or the dude who released the Kraken. And Jewell is a great middle name, because babies are expensive as hell and should be named after the expensive stuff you’ll no longer be able to afford once you give birth to one.
And you should probably go ahead and prepare for a Stage-10 internet meltdown now, because it will be only a matter of seconds until that shady bitch Beyonce bumps the release of that second surprise album she was working on from next week to today in an attempt to yank the spotlight away from Kelly. First rule of Beyonce: nobody outshines Beyonce!