Sometimes I think people hover over their laptops just waiting for a moment to call out celebrities with their shenanigans, even when there’s nothing wrong. I blame Trump. Then again I blame Trump for everything, but that’s another story for another time. Anyway, in today’s episode of Bitch Please former Destiny’s Child member Kelly Rowland is taking time out of her schedule of doing whatever to clapback like Cleo in Set It Off at internet idiots who are suggesting she bleaches her skin.
And don’t think the spotlight wattage isn’t going to be juuussstt a tad lower for Kelly and Michelle if this is the truth.
Page Six claims that Beyoncé, Kelly Rowland and the other one (I kid, her name is Michelle Williams) might revive Destiny’s Child on Coachella’s main stage during Beyonce’s headline set tonight. They haven’t sung live together since they performed Michelle’s song “Say Yes” at the 2015 Stellar Awards. You know this is happening because celebrity historian Cardi B’s baby belly has been getting all the press lately…
The American Music Awards aired on CBS last night in order for you to have something to talk about with your weird cousin Trisha over Thanksgiving weekend. The AMA’s are the perfect empty vessel in which to hold your familial conversational obligations. That said, a few attendees did come to slay. Like Hailee Steinfeld, who, thanks to that leather bra and sharp shoulder pad situation, is seen giving you The Bodyguard starring a young Joan Crawford.
Second-tier Destiny’s Child member and Diddy wig inspiration Kelly Rowland believes that a gal should know if her dude has had a penis (other than his own) in his life before getting on her. Kelly is in the middle of whoring out a Lifetime movie she’s in, called Love By The 10th Date (SUCH a Lifetime movie title). It’s about relationships, and there’s a bisexuality/men on the “down low” plot line. So Kelly gingerly dipped her toe in Vivica A. Fox’s pool who may have sounded “just the teensiest-tiniest bit homophobic” during an interview with the New York Post.
The 35th anniversary of the birth of Beysus (I’ll pause here for all of us shady bitches who need to throw a side-eye at “35“) was on Sunday and she celebrated Beymas all weekend long. Beyonce and Blue Ivy Carter spent Friday with Michelle Obama at Camp David, Chance The Rapper serenaded her at the Made In America festival in Philadelphia on her actual born day, and last night she threw herself a giant Soul Train-themed party in NYC. A zillion famous tricks went to Beyonce’s party, including Puffy whose puffy b-hole probably screamed out a YES when he got the invitation, because he finally had a reason to wear that $3 swap meet-bought Vinnie Barbarino wig.
This might be the first time Amber Heard is scrunching up her nose because she thinks it looks cute and not because her nose hairs are violently cringing at Johnny Depp’s stank. Mark it in your calendars!
The last time human cigarette butt Johnny Depp and his midlife crisis wife strolled down the red carpet, he left behind a toxic trail of rancid hair grease and stinky tooth fumes, and the red carpet died. It was tragic. I guess Johnny was afraid of a future class action lawsuit if he killed any more red carpets with his grossness, because he showed up to The Art of Elysium’s 9th annual HEAVEN Gala last night in Los Angeles looking clean and showered. I know, I can’t believe it either.
I have no idea how this happened. Maybe he accidentally slipped into a soapy bathtub. Maybe he took a tour of the EPA head office in Washington and wandered into a decontamination room on his way to the men’s room. Or maybe this is actually an alien disguised to look like Johnny Depp, but the only reference it had to go off of was a 15-year-old VHS copy of Chocolat. Yeah, that’s got to be it.
Since Johnny Depp took a temporary break (I’m sure he’ll be back to looking like the dirty reusable rag from a truck stop hand dryer in no time) from being the unofficial red carpet mess, Ed Westwick generously stepped up and filled in.
I have no idea why the douchey dude from Gossip Girl is dressed like “The Older One” from a late-90s boy band, but it’s happening. If I had to guess more about Ed’s boy band persona based off of this look, I’d say his nickname is either Shaydz or Sensual D, and his signature music video dance move is intensely staring into the camera while doing prayer hands.
Here’s more from last night’s Art of Elysium event, including some of special guest Vivienne Westwood, who legit looks like an alien and isn’t trying to hide it.