Kelly Preston must have gotten sick of John Travolta getting all of the attention for the rayon Shih Tzu that has taken up permanent residency on his head, because last night, she caused hos to choke on massive clouds of beauty and pink bottle AquaNet hairspray when she hit the red carpet at the Emmys. All of Kelly Preston’s Thetans traveled up north and moved into the luxurious Bump It-created hair pavilion on top of her head.
Lainey at Lainey Gossip posted these pictures and she immediately saw Marie and Donny Osmond. I see it, but Kelly Preston wishes she had the wax figure complexion and exquisite marble doll eyes of Marie Osmond and John Travolta is way too butch to pass for Donny Osmond. But seriously, when I look at Kelly Preston I see the last runner-up in the Mrs. Kansas 1980 pageant and I also see a failed country singer from the 1960s whose most proud moment was the time a drunk dude mistook her for Loretta Lynn and asked for her an autograph.
Since Kelly also looks like a chorus member in a community theater production of Hairspray, I’m guessing that hair was John Travolta’s idea. It’s about time that John shows his beard some appreciation and uses his hairstyling talents to glamour her up. But I have a feeling that this is a Cinderella situation and Kelly will go back to having a homely dishrag on her head, because John won’t be able to stand not being the most glamorous one. But well at least for one night, Kelly could see her glammed-up self in the mirror and say, “I’m a pretty girl, mama.”
The premiere of American Crime Story: The People vs. O.J. Simpson happened in Los Angeles yesterday, and you’d think that the night belonged to the guinea pig in distress on top of John Travolta’s head, but it didn’t. John Travolta is usually the belle of every ball, but bitch lost in the game of beauty last night as soon as Joey Lawrence strolled onto the red carpet looking like he’s been plucked to the stars and back. I bet as soon as Joey’s Chia Pet Mr. Clean-looking ass hit that red carpet, John Travolta pulled off his own wig, said, “For fuck’s sake,” and immediately went home to drown his sorrows on a massage therapist’s crotch.
One of my favorite adonises probably had every ho at last night’s premiere checking their eyebrow situation in a compact. They shouldn’t have even bothered, because when it comes to the sport of eyebrow pruning, Joey Lawrence is the Oksana Baiul and everyone else is Nancy Kerrigan throwing hate at him on the sidelines. Not only do Joey’s impeccable brows look like the pubic landing strips of the angels in heaven, but that spray on hair is a work of art.
No, Joey wasn’t at the American Crime Story premiere because he plays Kato Kaelin in it (I wish). Joey was there because he has a much more important role in the show. During a scene where O.J. is crying in Kim Kartrashian’s bedroom, a poster of Joey Lawrence is on one of the walls. I know, who cares about Travolta, Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Sarah Paulson. Joey Lawrence should get top billing!
Scientologists don’t believe in Heaven or Hell, but I bet John Travolta secretly hopes that if L. Ron Hubbard is wrong about that and the afterworld does exist, his Heaven will look a lot like that picture above.
John Travolta hung out with Barbra Streisand and Lady CaCa at Babs’ house this past weekend and if you threw in a naked Puerto Rican massage therapist and the world’s best wig maker into that little party, you’d have John Travolta’s complete list of 4 living people he wants to have dinner with. Ryan Murphy, James Brolin and Kelly Preston were also at the dinner, but I doubt John Travolta noticed them, because he was too busy busting into a full-body orgasm while singing the “Donna Summer part” in “Enough is Enough” with Babs. Babs Instagrammed the picture above with this little caption:
A wonderful evening at home. (L-R). Ryan Murphy. @ladygaga. John Travolta. @barbrastreisand. Kelly Preston. Jim Brolin.
John Travolta obviously used the OT powers he learned from Scientology to control himself while that picture was being taken, because I’m sure his butt thetans were quivering from being that close to his idol! Barbra must also get Botox injections in her back. That’s the only explanation I have for her not feeling John Travolta’s boner of excitement poking at her.
CaCa also Instagrammed a picture from her dinner with Babs:
I’m sure that 2 seconds after that picture was taken, John Travolta grabbed Lady CaCa’s wig, pulled her out of that scene and took her place. As he should!
And here’s CaCa shooting American Horror Story: Hotel in L.A. last week.
Pics: Instagram, Splash
You know it’s a special occasion when John Travolta pulls out his favorite wig. Since John Travolta is always hijacking the iPod in the Scientology’s bath house to play Rodgers & Hammerstein’s greatest hits, the producers of the Oscars asked him to introduce the tribute to movie musicals last night. Everybody’s talking about how John Travolta can’t pronounce Les Miserables (Note: Please, he mispronounced that shit on purpose to make himself look straighter), but everybody should be talking about the glorious beast on his head. Yes, every Papillon is throwing a shank eye at Travolta since he stole their signature hairstyle, but they have to admit that his center part is immaculate. I’m sure Moses himself parted Travolta’s wig. I’m not talking about Moses from the bible, I’m talking about Moses the resident wig master at the Scientology beauty salon.
Travolta didn’t only work a stunning lace front, but he also worked a hot velcro patch on his chin. When you tea bag Travolta, you can exfoliate your taint on his hot velcro patch at the same time.
Here’s a few more pictures of Travolta with Kelly Preston last night and since we’re on the subject of lush beards, let’s pay tribute to some of the best ones last night. In order: Travolta with Kelly Preston, George Clooney with Stacy Keibler, Hugh Jackmeoff with Deborra-Lee Furness, Justin Theroux with Jennifer Aniston, Jean Dujardin and Ben Affleck with Jennifer Garner.
Who knew that all this time Kristie “Third Wheel” Alley has been waiting in the wings, wishing for the day when John Travolta would finally shave Kelly Preston off of his face and pick her as his new beard. On tonight’s 20/20 (via Radar), Kirstie tells Barbara Walters that contrary to popular belief, Krispy Kreme isn’t the true love of her life, John Travolta is.
Kirstie says that she fell seriously in love with John while shooting the first Look Who’s Talking movie and she never tried to beard him, because she was married at the time to Parker Stevenson. Kirstie says that she wanted to leave Parker and run away with John, but she resisted the urge. In between shooting the second Look Who’s Talking movie and the third one, John married his lifelong beard Kelly Preston. Kirstie still considers John the love of her life, but she’s happy to be his main fruit fly and cherishes all the time they spend together (aka having a kiki in the Scientology bath house.)
Poor Kirstie. Why isn’t Kirstie the one on People Magazine talking about her “miracle baby”? Why isn’t Kirstie the one giving John choreographed kisses on the red carpet? Why isn’t Kirstie the one holding hands with John in staged photo-ops? Why is it that bitch Kelly Preston? Why didn’t John choose her? Oh, Kirstie, always the fag hag, never the beard.
I don’t mean to disrespect Kelly Preston’s bearding skills, because she is a world-class beard, but Kirstie Alley would’ve been better. Kirstie would’ve gladly and loudly lied to everyone about how she gets it on with John all the time and he really knows how to work that dick on her cooch like a real heterosexual. Kirstie would’ve laid it on extra thick during staged public displays of affection on the red carpet. And every time John came home crying because another massage therapist ran away from his hungry, hungry b-hole, Kirstie would’ve made him feel better by making him a big pot of cake batter soup with cookie dough bits in it. Then Kirstie would’ve put on Auntie Mame and let John recite all of Rosalind Russell’s lines. She’d gladly take Vera’s lines. That’s a beard to the end right there. Oh well, it’s John Travolta’s loss!
Sometimes I really have to slow clap for Kelly Preston’s legendary and iconic beard game, because she’s always 100% loyal and doesn’t give a shit while giving a shit at the same time. Case in point: John Travolta and Kelly followed the rainbow which led them to gay mecca of the Mediterranean that is Mykonos. Fun fact: “Mykonos” is Greek for “poke me in the no-no.” Hide yo male massage therapists, Mykonos.
Radar has a few pictures of John and Kelly smiling and waving at the cameras as they stroll through the gayest island in the Mediterranean. (Okay, it’s not totally gay, but it’s pretty gay. It’s true that if you fart in Mykonos. Your farts will smell like the color of the rainbow.) I love the pictures, because there’s John and Kelly smiling at everyone while I’m sure a bunch of gay boys hehehehehe into their cocktails off camera.
Either John and Kelly have the IQ of his day wig or they’re geniuses. I mean, trying to kill the gay rumors by vacationing on the one of the gayest places on earth? I hope John and Kelly keep this “straight love in gay places” theme going, because I really want to see them renew their vows at the White Party in Palm Springs.