Here’s one for all the haters that told Kelly Ripa she was too old to get with Mark Consuelos. Not only is she getting with him in real life as his wife, but TV Line is reporting that Kelly will be hooking up with Mark on Riverdale as his mistress.
Mark plays Hiram Lodge, father of Veronica Lodge, who is (SPOILER ALERT) currently locked up. His wife is Hermione Lodge. Kelly will play a character called Mrs. Mulwray, and she’ll appear on tonight’s episode. The CW confirmed the news, saying:
“Kelly Ripa will guest star on Riverdale as MRS. MULWRAY: Confident and tough, she is Hiram Lodge’s alleged mistress. She’s a beautiful, icy, femme fatale who gets caught up in a conspiracy that’s much bigger than she initially realized.”
Kelly and Michael’s 21-year-old son Michael Consuelos will also appear on the episode. He’ll be in a flashback to the 90’s and will play a younger version of his dad. Kelly posted the news on Instagram yesterday (with Mark reportedly commenting “Yes please“) with her looking like the least popular cast member of Real Home Wreckers of Riverdale.
What The CW forgot to add was anything about how this is the most obvious example of shameless stunt casting in the history of The CW. I’m pretty sure The CW’s main audience is still about 9 months away from their learner’s permit, and here they are, courting all their moms. Don’t tell me I’m wrong on this one: you know at least 98% of the Live With Kelly and Ryan audience have been dreaming of watching Kelly get nasty with Mark ever since they watched all that PG-rated role playing on last month’s Halloween episode.
There are few things more American than the enduring tradition of daytime talk show Halloween hi-jinks. You take a bunch of middle-aged talking heads, a squad of professional makeup artists and costume designers, and a squealing studio audience; put ‘em in a pop culture blender on puree and voila! Whoopi Goldberg dressed as a purple baby vampire. And there’s no getting out of it at this point. It’s a whole thing now, everybody must participate. Do you think Ryan Seacrest enjoys sitting in a makeup chair for three hours and getting cinched up in a corset? I don’t know his life! But he does it whether he likes it or not.
Kelly Ripa has been on television for three decades, and a lot can change to a person in thirty years. For example, they could one day find themselves sitting across a table from what appears to be a spray-tanned robot in TV host autopilot mode. Or maybe they post a throwback picture on Instagram, and people in the comments ask if it’s supposed to be a Spot The Difference game. Kelly Ripa recently squared off with face-shamers on social media, and schooled them on what hasn’t changed.
The response to the allegations against Ryan Seacrest by his former stylist Suzie Hardy have been varied. Some publicists reportedly don’t want anything to do with him, but Kelly Ripa, Ryan’s aggressively chipper co-host on Live with Kelly and Ryan, came out in support of him yesterday on the show by saying she “adores” him. She might adore him, but according to Page Six, she hates the awkward, weird situation he put the show in.
You’re either reaching for a bottle of Visine’s holy water drops, because your eyes need cleansing after laying them on that unholy sight of fuck effort drag, an F minus tuck game and Control Top L’Eggs. Or you’re reaching for the industrial-strength Morton brand of smelling salts, because nothing gives you the head-to-toe vapors like seeing the panty cream-inducing sight of two Fun House Mirror Jonas Brothers in fuck effort drag and Control Top L’Eggs. Hey, what’s one man’s Control Top L’Eggs nightmare is another man’s Control Top L’eggs wet fantasy.
The current reigning sweethearts of HGTV (now that the Fixer Upper couple are busting out of there), The Property Brothers, did a little renovating on themselves for Shallowqueen by dragging it up as Lynda Carter’s Wonder Woman (see: Drew Scott, on the left) and Gal Gadot’s Wonder Woman (see: Jonathan Scott, on the right). The half-melted Jesus wax figurines stuffed their Canadian sausages into Rite-Aid Wonder Woman costumes for LIVE with Kelly and Ryan’s Halloween episode. Kelly and Ryan, who wore 12 costumes total, also Wonder Woman’d themselves along with Gelman and that one pepaw. I love how Ryan is really butching it up hardcore. Ryan may be in drag, but he’s still a NASCAR-loving, Budweiser-guzzling, pussy-destroying heterosexual straight bro.
And once you’re done with that bottle of smelling salts, send it to me via drone. I need to shove several bottles up my nostrils before I have a full-body O from seeing Jonathina Scott poke at Michaela Gelman’s Wonder Woman bulge (at the 1:18 mark).
Page Six is reporting that Kelly Ripa’s new co-host, Ryan Seacrest, was to make an appearance on Good Morning America with the FINALLY complete American Idol judging lineup Wednesday, but Kelly threw a fit at the last minute and he had to cancel, so the judges did the appearance sans their Ryan, who a source says is scared shitless of his yapping lapdog of a co-host.