Katy Perry threw her man Orlando Bloom a surprise 40th birthday party at a hotel in Palm Springs, CA on Saturday night and even though Justin Theroux was there, the biggest dick in the room was the blown-up picture of Legolas’ (sadly censored) peen. Katy apparently took the picture that launched a thousand boners and throbbing clits, blew it up and used it as a backdrop for party guests to pose in front of. Some guests made fun of Orly’s salchicha (see: picture above) and others posed normal. It doesn’t look like any of them put their mouths on that black box. I know, Katy and Orlando have weird friends.
As Jabba the Trump ate a fancy dinner with his rival-turned-ass kisser Mitt Romney (Note: In this picture of them, it looks like the laxatives Trump spiked in Mitt’s roasted crow cake just kicked in and Trump is fapping over the thought of it.), the reigning President of Pantsuits, Hillary Clinton, laughed to keep from crying (aren’t most of us?) while honoring Katy Perry at the 12th Annual UNICEF Snowflake Ball in NYC last night. Katy nearly campaigned her magnificent chichis off for HRC, but if I was HRC, I would’ve unfriended her ass as soon as she dressed up like a Hills Have Eyes version of me for Halloween.
Earlier this week, In Touch claimed that Katy Perry’s relationship with Orlando Bloom was done after 10 months of dating, and that it happened shortly after Halloween. Katy and Orlando must have sobered up the day after Halloween, looked at those pictures of them dressed up as expired cough syrup hallucinations of Hillary and Trump, and decided they just couldn’t look at each other the same way ever again. But that’s probably not the case.
While her arch nemesis was doing the Mannequin Challenge with some rented friends, Katy celebrated an intimate Thanksgiving yesterday with her family, which included Orlando. We know this because Katy made sure to Instagram proof that it happened.
Orlando even got his own festive flannel onesie. You know you’re really a member of the family when they feel comfortable enough around you to let your loose trouser change jingle-jangle in pajama pants all day.
Nothing says “We’re still together, goddamnit!” like your boyfriend holding a baby and referring to him as “family.” I do like how she says she can’t quit him now. That’s called covering your ass. She might not be quitting him now, but get back to her in a couple days when his Tamagotchi and Selena Gomez CDs are in a box at the end of her driveway.
Andy Cohen has a Bachelor in Shit Disturbing from Shady Bitch University, so it shouldn’t come as any surprise that he once tried to throw a metaphorical cherry bomb into the direction of Taylor Swift’s ongoing feud with Katy Perry. In fact, I’d be more surprised to learn that Andy hadn’t done such a thing. So would his bosses at Bravo. They’d check his forehead and ask, “Are you feeling ok Andy?”
Because everyone and their weekend drug dealer is going to probably do an election-themed costume for Halloween, Katy Perry and her naked paddleboard driver Orlando Bloom did themselves up in election-themed costumes for Kate Hudson’s Halloween party in L.A. last night. It’s not surprising that they did election-themed costumes, but it is surprising that Katy didn’t do herself up as a pussy and Orlando didn’t do himself up as Donald Trump’s tiny elf-sized grabbing hand.
Katy Perry has been working the trail for Hillary Clinton, and last night she showed her undying devotion to #ImWithHer by dragging it up as Her. Katy’s friend went as the Bill Clinton to her Hillary Clinton and Orlando went as a Troll Doll Trump. They obviously went all out, but if it wasn’t for that MAGA cap and Bill wearing that “I’m With Her” button, I would not have guessed who they’re supposed to be. Katy Perry isn’t giving me HRC at all. What she is giving me is “bloated love child of a rubber Angela Lansbury mask and a jolly gnome,” as well as Jay Leno in sloppy Tina Brown drag. And Orlando Bloom looks more like an electrocuted Carrot Top (no offense to my muscled-up American ginger dream boat Carrot Top).
And for the sake of the other guests at the party, I hope Kate Hudson had a spread of every kind of drug at the bar, because I would need to do them all to rid my brain of the image of seeing “Hillary Clinton” and “Troll Doll Trump” tongue kiss in the corner.
Here’s more of Katy’s HRC costume as well as pics of other tricks at the party like Pussy Posse (or as they’re now known as “The Wolf Pack”) leader Leonardo DiCatchAHo playing it subtle by wearing a wolf mask.
It seems like throwing rusty-eye daggers at Taylor Swift during Drake’s birthday party didn’t meet Katy Perry’s “hate on Taylor” quote for the week.
It was Katy’s birthday on Tuesday night, and she spent it at Kayne West’s Saint Pablo tour stop in Los Angeles. That’s a little shady, but not really. But then Kanye began performing Famous, aka the song that still probably makes Taylor’s eye twitch and teeth grind. And wouldn’t you know what happened? Katy just so happened to pull out her phone and Snapchat herself dancing and pulling faces during the “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex” line. How very subtle of you, Katy.
Katy Perry dancing on Famous by Kanye West is everything. QUEEN 👑⚡️ pic.twitter.com/ISYeV2tGhm
— ☠️ (@KATYPERRYRISES) October 26, 2016
Taylor Swift started coming for Katy Perry over two years ago, which means this petty revenge shit has officially gone on way too long. Even grudge-holding middle school girls are like “Okay, get over it maybe?” How much longer can two grown women keep poking at each other? Please don’t tell me we’re in for another ten or twenty years of this. Nobody needs a 52-year-old Katy Perry coming for a 46-year-old Taylor Swift while hustling Boniva between People’s Court breaks.
I certainly hope you’re not yet tired of seeing Katy Perry attempting to work that Madonna-on-Letterman hair. Here are some more pictures of Katy arriving at and leaving the CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund Show in West Hollywood yesterday. Katy showed up looking like the ghost of a goth saloon owner and left looking like a day player from Designing Women.