According to Page Six, Super Bowl XLIX will be your ~so edgy~ 13-year-old cousin’s dream come true (“Whatever I don’t care football sucks“) because human Sour Punch Straw Katy Perry will be performing during the halftime show. It sounds like Katy will be the only performer, but who knows? Maybe she’ll bring her friends Bonnie, Rochelle, and Sarah on stage with her to play light as a feather stiff as a board in between “Roar” and “Teenage Dream”.
Originally it was rumored that the halftime show would be either Katy, Coldplay, or Rihanna. Obviously Princess Ooh-Na-Na was out the second she responded to CBS pulling her song from an NFL broadcast last month (THE AUDACITY!) by hissing “Fuck you!” to CBS on Twitter. And who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to have Coldplay, aka the Sleepytime® tea of music, perform at the Super Bowl? Does Bedtime Bear work for the NFL now? So Katy ended up being the best choice. You know, since Prince was clearly busy.
For those of you reading this news of Katy Perry landing the halftime show at Super Bowl
ALEX XLIX and thinking “Oh, so you mean Jane Lane’s Forever 21 cousin managed to cut the NFL a large enough check?“, Katy would like you to know that, um, no, Katy Perry don’t play that pay-for-play bullshit. Taylor Swift’s Regina George told ESPN’s College GameDay on Saturday that she’s “not the kind of girl to pay to play the Super Bowl.” Uh huh. SHOW ME THE SUPER BOWL RECEIPTS, KATY!
It goes without saying that in this post-Nipplegate world we live in, nothing too messy can happen, but that doesn’t mean Katy can’t bring a little DayGlo Tumblr teen fuckery to the halftime show. First off, I want to see Katy dance with either that twerking ice cream cone from the “This Is How We Do” video or a giant corn dog. Second, I want to see Katy try to catch a football on stage. That would literally be the best thing in the world. Make it happen, Katy!
More details continue to surface regarding the petty 7th grade girl feud between human cellophane-wrapped hard candy Taylor Swift and the Forever 21 version of Jane Lane Katy Perry. According to Page Six, things turned to shit between Kay Kay and Tay Tay when an actual bag of shit came between them, ie. noted shitbag John Mayer. Taylor and John dated back in 2010 when Tay Tay was 19 and John was 32, but he broke up with her to pursue other pussies. This made Tay Tay cry and write “Dear John”, which basically called him a sleazy dirtbag for unwrapping her 19-year-old butterscotch candy.
But this also made John cry, claiming that being dragged in a song by Tay Tay was “really humiliating” and called her a cheap songwriter. When Katy hooked up with John in 2012, sources claim Kay Kay starting making cunty remarks about Tay Tay as retribution. This made Tay Tay pull out her burn book and call Kay Kay a two-faced fugly slut for hooking up with one of her many Aaron Samuels. I mean, she was half a virgin when she met him!
Uh oh, passive-aggressive shots fired! It was revealed yesterday in a Rolling Stone interview that human Werther’s Original Taylor Swift had written a song for her upcoming album 1989 about a super-mean tour-sabotaging former showbiz frenemy titled “Bad Blood”, but it could have also been called “Bad Blind” because it was pretty obvious she was talking about Katy Perry. Now would be a good time to remind you that Taylor Swift is almost 25 and Katy Perry will be 30 years old next month. You know, just in case you thought we were discussing the drama between two 13-year-old girls.
Even though Tay-Tay Butterscotch Sundae never named her by name (CALL A BITCH OUT, TAYLOR), Katy Perry took to Twitter (via UsWeekly) to let everyone know that even though a certain someone (CALL A BITCH OUT, KATY) might act all sweet and innocent, she’s actually more of a mean girl than she lets on:
“I prefer to think of myself as a sweet lil’ apple pie-baking spring lamb, but sheep works too I guess” – Taylor Swift.
So let me get this straight: Kay-Kay and Tay-Tay used to be friends until Kay-Kay started doing some major plastics sabotage by hooking up with Tay-Tay’s leftovers and trying to steal her dancers and saying mean things to Tay-Tay, which made Tay-Tay cry tears of liquid butterscotch into her hand-embroidered lace-trimmed pillows. So she decided to get revenge by showing everyone what an awful person Kay-Kay is by writing a song about her, but she doesn’t say who she’s talking about, because she’s SUCH a good person and would NEVER do something so bitchy. Then Kay-Kay gets revenge on Tay-Tay by
pushing her in front of a bus dragging a bitch on Twitter.
Oh my god, does Ms. Norbury have to call you two into the gymnasium and talk about the times you’ve felt personally victimized by each other?? Well she isn’t going to, because Ms. Norbury is a high school teacher and YOU ARE TWO GROWN-ASS WOMEN!
During a recent interview to promote her “Make Roar Happen” classroom initiative with Staples, Katy Perry, the 13-year-old Nightmare-playing ICQ-chatting tattoo choker-wearing teenage girl trapped in the body of a 29-year-old wealthy Santa Barbara woman, confessed to Yahoo (via UsWeekly) that she sort of wishes she actually went to school when she was a kid instead of touring the country yodeling for Jesus, because she could use the extra brain smarts:
“I was being pulled out of school even in the middle of school and sometimes being home schooled. Sometimes we were sent to these really half-Christian, half-education, I-don’t-know-what-they-were schools. I’m kind of bummed at this stage that I didn’t have a great education because I could really use that these days.”
But the Cultural Aprorpriation Queen admits that it’s not just cultures she’s hungrily snatching at; she’s also trying to appropriate knowledge:
“I’ve learned to educate myself at this stage and how to continue my education at any age. I’m going on 30 and I’m still very thirsty for information. On tour, we go to different museums and get to soak up all kinds of different cultural experiences.”
Considering the last museum Katy Perry went to was a witch museum (and even then, she really only went for the gift shop), I don’t count on seeing Katy hitting the Daily Double on Jeopardy! any time soon. And that’s fine! Katy doesn’t need to be smart! The best version of Katy is the one who makes messy historically-inaccurate Cleopatra-themed music videos and thinks Grant Wood was the first person to paint goths.
Besides, doesn’t she know that you only get dumber as you get older? The other day I forgot what that thing which takes your temperature is called. The best I could come up with was “heat stick”, and I got admitted to college on a scholarship! Katy, do what I did and stop fighting it; accept your inner dummy. Cool it with the smart people shit like museums and art galleries, and start embracing dumb people shit Say Yes To The Dress: Bridesmaids and that Kim Kardashian iPhone game. Trust me, what’s left of your brain will thank you.
Because she’s currently an edgy 13-year-old in 1996 who lives for The Craft, Katy Perry did like any rebellious Ouija-obsessed pentagram-wearing teen girl would do and snuck off to Salem during a trip to Boston this weekend. According to People, Katy participated in the Salem Witch Walk, visited the witch museum, and stopped by Salem’s oldest witch store, Crow Haven Corner, where they performed a witchcraft “love ritual” for her (I guess because her magic love rocks stopped working).
Crow Haven Corner didn’t elaborate on what was involved in their “love magic”, but I’m hoping they made sure all of the newt eyes and frog foreskins they used were 100% vinegar-free to avoid attracting any more douchebags. Not that it would matter; unless those three witches (who sort of look like the Chicos-wearing wine-drinking suburban mom version of The Sanderson Sisters) have the power to break the spell on Katy’s cursed pussy, she’ll still keep finding sleazy losers to make poor fuck choices with.
And I really hope that hot cream-colored chihuahua in the bow tie participated in the love ritual, even if he looks like doesn’t want anything to do with this mess. I know a shade-laced doggy side-eye when I see it! It looks like he’s thinking to himself “It’s too bad they didn’t have time to cast a live singing spell.” NO! Katy Perry has a beautiful live singing voice that doesn’t sound at all like an out-of-breath stray cat howling into an empty tuna can. If anything, those witches should be begging Katy for some of her gorgeous voice so they can resell it to tone-deaf angels and down-on-their-luck mermaids.
After boring us all into a coma last month with human chloroform-soaked rag Lana Del Zzzzz, Rolling Stone decided to violently shake our asses awake by putting a migraine-triggering Katy Perry on the cover this month. I wasn’t entirely sold on the whole “90s Claire’s sale rack realness” until I saw those gorgeous squared-off French tip acrylics she has on her fingers. Exquisite porn star blow job nails are always the look.
But for those of you looking at Katy’s nails and that choker made from anal beads like “I see this bitch has resorted to snatching at porn star culture now”, Katy Perry would like you to know she’s not blatantly ripping off shit because she’s a clueless middle-class white chick from Santa Barbara. She’s ripping off Egypt and Geishas because she appreciates shit at a deeper level. Like when she dressed up her backup dancers as Nicki Minaj-looking mummies; they weren’t supposed to be hoochie mamas, they were an homage to surgery-obsessed Beverly Hills-types:
“As far as the mummy thing, I based it on plastic surgery. Look at someone like Kim Kardashian or Ice-T’s wife, Coco. Those girls aren’t African-American. But it’s actually a representation of our culture wanting to be plastic, and that’s why there’s bandages and it’s mummies. I thought that would really correlate well together… It came from an honest place. If there was any inkling of anything bad, then it wouldn’t be there, because I’m very sensitive to people.”
Although she understands that some people took offense to it, so from now on, she’ll only do white people things, like wearing Tevas and pouring ranch dressing on everything:
“I guess I’ll just stick to baseball and hot dogs, and that’s it. I know that’s a quote that’s gonna come to fuck me in the ass, but can’t you appreciate a culture? I guess, like, everybody has to stay in their lane? I don’t know.”
And it doesn’t matter that you think she’s a sloppy copycat, because Katy Perry says Katy Perry is the hardest working bovine in the business:
“Every show day, from the moment I wake up, it’s just prep for that night. It’s like I’m a Kobe beef cow.”
But one thing she isn’t ready to culturally appropriate just yet is mom jeans and pregnancy farts, because she’s too busy playing dress-up to catch a case of fetus fever:
“I want to be doing that in the right time. And that’s not in the next two years, you know? Maybe it’s in a five-year plan, but I need to really be able to focus 100 percent of my attention on it. I don’t really want to take the child on tour. Not until, like, birth through five is over.”
I’m glad Katy doesn’t want to take a baby on tour, because I can’t imagine how confused that baby would be. “So, is my mom the Cleopatra-looking one, or the pastel LSD fairy, or the budget Hot Topic Catra? Where’s the one who shoots whipped cream from her tits? I want that one. Baby’s hungry.”
In a move that totally isn’t an obvious act of blatant damage control, Katy Perry has challenged the claim that she’s a song-stealing dork-sided gorgyle by proving she’s still cool with the big man upstairs by tweeting about the religious experience she had during a recent show in Florida. I know what you’re thinking: religious experience + Florida = she saw a drunk diamond named Angel get arrested for giving a sloppy blow job to a cheeseburger in a Waffle House parking lot. Sadly, no; it involved an angel, but not one that just came from a Daytona Beach bike show.
My favorite part of the night was when I was singing By the Grace of God & a little white feather (presumably from a costume) floated by…
— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) July 3, 2014
& it reminded me about the angels & how, maybe, they are still looking after me, helping me continue to put one foot in front of the other.
— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) July 3, 2014
DUH – of course there are angels watching her ass. God needs to make sure those two giant investments he gave Katy are protected. God invented gravity, so he knows that her tits will be the first to hit the ground if she fell, so God he hired two angels to follow her around and whisper “Don’t forget Katy! Always put one foot in front of the other when walking!” to make sure she remains upright.
Then again, maybe God and angels don’t exist, and that feather was just from a dead pigeon that got caught in an air vent, and Katy mistook it for an angel feather because she was tripping balls from inhaling all that freon-laced Florida air. Yeah, that’s it.
“They call me Metamucil, baby, cause I’m smooth going down and I’ll lower your cholesterol. And by cholesterol, I mean panties.”
Katy Perry is currently in Washington DC for her Prismatic Tour and she skipped vocal practice to visit the White House. If Katy is anything like me (aka dumb and/or not-smart) she probably rolled up to the White House expecting to run into Betsy and Arlene, but instead she ran into sexy silver-haired septuagenarian Vice President Joe Biden. Katy posted a picture of the two of them to Instagram and even though most men his age are technically in the falling-asleep-to-golf-on-the-couch chapter of their life, Joe proved he’s still a charismatic oldie by macking on Katy like he had a full Cialis prescription in his pocket. Katy captioned the picture:
“Brought my pink pony to the White House to holler @VP Joe Biden. #wheninwashington p.s. He made me call my 93 year old grandma to thank her for my baby blue eyes! What a Q-T”
Then Joe Biden commented on Katy’s hair, saying: “You know who else had dark hair like yours? Monica Lewinsky. Say, why don’t I show you around Bill Clinton’s old office and I could ‘not have sexual relations’ with you’, if you catch my drift. Wink! In case you’re not clear, I’m referring to a blow job. Or as I call it, a “Joe Fun”. Why? Cause it doesn’t feel like work when you’re with Joey B!”
Then Katy excused herself and he shouted: “Maybe we can grab a drink after your show? I’ll pick you up around 9 in a red Mustang convertible with an airbrushed panther on the hood. Oh, and tell your grandma she’s welcome to come too! Joey B don’t discriminate!”
If you’ve ever wondered how Katy Perry, seen here looking like the non-threatening Forever 21 version of Enid Coleslaw, is able to consistently land such top-shelf, high-quality refined gentlemen, like turbo-douche John Mayer, human jizz rag Russell Brand, and glue-huffing Miami bedbug Riff Raff, she’s finally revealed her secret to Cosmo. Katy follows her nose to the scent of patchouli and Himalayan salt lamps to the New Age store where she stuffs her pockets full of healing energy crystals and releases her dick-hungry energy to the universe:
“I guess I happen to be attracted to high-frequency men. I carry a lot of rose quartz, which attracts the male,” Perry continues, referring to carrying crystals around for their energy. “Maybe I need to calm it down with the amethyst.”
I don’t know the name of the New Age store where Katy bought her rose quartz (why do I get the feeling it was called Gentle Wynds or Earth Spirits) but I think Ras Trent’s girlfriend accidentally sold her petrified nuggets of calcified vinegar, because the only male she seems to attract are douches. Or maybe that’s one of the mystical powers of rose quartz? “Rose Quartz opens the heart chakra, balances negative energy, and will draw assholes to you like stoners to a drum circle.”
Talk about the pot of plagiarism calling the copycat kettle black. After Katy Perry kicked off her Prismatic World Tour in Belfast, Ireland on Wednesday night, the general consensus from most people who saw the pictures from her first show was ‘California Guuurl you need to burn those peace sign bike shorts”. But not Lady Gaag. The Canal St. Madonna thought the picture of Katy Perry riding in on a human-operated horse costume looked a little too much like the time she rode a human-operated horse costume, so she went running to Twitter to hiss out this piece of passive-aggressive shade:
Then Lady Gaag bitchily slammed her locker shut and added: “Like, why is she so obsessed with me? Hashtag so over it.”
Lady Gaag didn’t invent dying your hair snot green and she sure as hell didn’t invent riding human-operated mechanical animals (War Horse would like you to have several seats) but Katy Perry might have ripped off Gaag’s paint barfing thing. I know, I cannot believe for a second I’m defending this tacky chump, but here we are. My apologies to everyone in Hell who had to throw on a winter coat. According to Buzzfeed, part of her Prismatic show involves a pre-recorded video of Katy Perry sticking her finger into her mouth and spitting up paint. Green paint. Kind of like the time professional paint-barf artist Millie Brown puked up green paint on Lady Gaga.
Maybe it’s just a coincidence that two boring try-hards are starting to run out of ideas? I don’t know. But I do know how we could solve this mess. After being asked by Byrd to step forward, Lady Gaga would enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin claiming that Katy Perry blatantly stole her paint barfing stunt. Katy Perry would enter claiming she had no previous knowledge and that she was counter-suing for slander. Then Judge Judy would walk in rolling her eyes, call them both idiots, throw out the case, and go back to her chambers to finish starching her lace collars.