On the Australian morning show Sunrise yesterday, lesbo-for-pay Katy Perry said that she kissed a girl and didn’t like it at all. The trick who’s put her mouth on Russell Brand’s parts said that when she kissed Miley Cyrus at Miley’s show in L.A., she was expecting a demure little peck and not some St. Angie and James Haven shit. Katy joked that she pulled away, because “God knows where that tongue has been.”
Well, the mutated hybrid of a hillbilly chipmunk and a radioactive lizard slapped at Katy on Twitter today and let a ho know that she is not the one to talk since her tongue has been on John Mayer’s tongue and if John Mayer’s tongue had a passport showing off all the places it’s been, it would be 300 pages long and read like Wikipedia’s list of infectious diseases.
In my post about this mess yesterday, I made the same easy joke that Miley did, but now that I think about it, none of those sucio tramps should talk. I’m sure they all have inadvertently touched tongues. Miley’s tongue touched Katy’s tongue and Katy’s tongue has touched John Mayer’s tongue and since John Mayer’s tongue has licked everything, it probably licked the dirty thong that Miley put in her mouth. The tongue nastiness has come full circle! And now I need to take a tongue scraper to my soul after thinking about all their tongues touching.
And Miley also tweeted this:
Did I really need to see a watercolor portrait of Snow White kissing Draco Malfoy in one of Nancy Kerrigan’s old costumes? That is the most disturbing part of all of this.
During an interview with Australian talk show Sunrise (via NYDN), Katy Perry was asked about touching mouth lips with Miley Cyrus at Miley’s show and she pretty much burped out an “ewwwwwwwwww” while thinking about it. Katy thought the kiss was going to be a G-rated 7th grade slumber party girl-on-girl peck and Miley wanted to bareback bone Katy’s mouth with her tongue. Katy dribbled out this half-gallon of fuel that will power your next 10 eye rolls:
“I just walked up to her to give her like a friendly girly kiss, you know, as girls do. Then she like tried to move her head and go deeper and I pulled away. God knows where that tongue has been. We don’t know! That tongue is so infamous!”
Katy does have a point, but is she really acting like her tongue has only touched freshly washed organic strawberries and the Body of Christ? The CDC will gladly tell you that Katy’s tongue has regularly visited HerpTown (aka John Mayer’s mouth) and has possibly taken a day trip to the Syphilis Mountains (aka Russell Brand’s nuts) and was most likely an honorary citizen of Chlamydia Ditch (aka Russell Brand’s peen slit). So Katy’s tongue shouldn’t get all uppity about Miley’s nasty tongue.
Here’s Katy at Sunrise and try to tell me that koala isn’t thinking to itself, “Gurrrrl, put on some rubber gloves before you pet me. You’ve touched John Mayer down there!”
If you stop into a FedEx Kinkos today and see a sad-looking not-an-engagement ring photocopying his resume, offer to buy his ass some lunch, because bitch is out of a job. According to E! Online, Katy Perry packed up a suitcase filled with all of John Mayer’s casual scarves and Eat-Pray-Love beads, and told him to hit the road:
A source close to the pair exclusively tells E! News that Perry broke up with Mayer within the last few days.
No other details about what prompted the “Dark Horse” singer’s decision were forthcoming, but Mayer was noticeably absent from Perry’s side on her recent trip to London and Milan. She returned home to Los Angeles on Friday.
Despite some early ups and down, the musical pair fast became one of Hollywood’s hottest couples, sweetly gushing about each other in interviews and collaborating on the song “Who You Love,” off of Mayer’s latest album, Paradise Valley.
I spent a good deal of time checking both Katy and John’s Twitter accounts to see if anything was mentioned about a breakup, but there’s nothing there. No, literally, there’s nothing there; I just petitioned life to give me back the 10 minutes I lost (“No dice; you knew what you were getting into” – Life). Really though, this is good news for Katy; with John Mayer out of her life, she’ll finally be able to schedule a little me-time and work on some much-needed self-improvement (like tightening up that lip synching and power washing her mouth).
And a warning to employees of free STD clinics nationwide: say goodbye to those vacation days you saved up and get ready to work some serious overtime. John Mayer’s diseased dick is back on the market again.
Two of Katy Perry’s missions in life must be to become Valtrex’s MVP and the reigning Empress of the Free Clinic, because she’s already wrapped her parts around John Mayer’s most-wanted-by-the-CDC dick and last night in L.A. she put her mouth lips on Miley Cyrus’ mouth lips. What’s next? Katy’s going to do a Fireball shot out of Parasite Hilton’s asshole?
While singing her song “Adore You” during her show at the Staples Center in L.A. last night, the chipmunk Slytherin jumped down in the audience and did mouth-to-mouth with Katy Perry.
The way those two wrecks jumped back all shocked-like. They looked like two 13-year-old girls who were forced to kiss during a dare at the worst slumber party ever. Two straight pop twats doing some manufactured lesbian stuff for attention is SO SHOCKING and SO CURRENT and SO EDGY. That picture looks like a malnourished Moose Mason sucking on Veronica Lodge’s face. Katy Perry must really love topical ointments and regular visits to the free clinic, because who in Super Lysine hell would put their mouth on the mouth of a sucio ho who eats dirty thongs? Dirty thong-breathed bitch! And we already knew this, but Miley is a new kind of gross for bareback kissing a trick who has put her mouth on John Mayer’s parts. That clip would make a really good commercial for bleach. Where were the Scrubbing Bubbles when we all needed them most?
And in case you missed it, here’s
Justin Bieber Miley yodeling out the “country version” of Outkast’s “Hey Ya.”
It disturbs me that I willingly listened to that TWICE and didn’t pour whole bottles of rubbing alcohol into my ears immediately afterward. Pray 4 me.
You know that if your pun-loving Aunt Carol reads Dlisted, $10 says she’s making a joke about Déjà-Booo right now. I know, I’m embarrassed I made that joke too. Every time a hacky pun is made, a little part of your soul dies and gets replaced with a Cathy mug.
Katy Perry probably thought she’d left all those boo-having haters back in Milan, but everyone knows booing is a state-of-mind that is able to transcend time and space. Less than 24 hours after she was greeted at a Moschino fashion show by booing photographers, Katy Perry returned home to discover her life was turning into a real-life Groundhog Day when she was greeted at LAX by (say it with me) more booing photographers.
Things started out harmless enough with a couple paps cracking jokes about the blanket (“What’s wrong? You have acne?” Of course not; haven’t you seen the infomercial?) but after she wouldn’t remove the blanket, they started booing. Then, in a terrific twist of irony, Katy’s assistant – wearing a D.A.R.E to resist drugs and violence t-shirt – stopped resisting violence and shoved several paps. Tune in tomorrow when Katy goes grocery shopping and gets booed for pulling into the 8-items-or-less lane with 10 things in her cart.
And I’m still not sure why she was covering her face with a blanket, but if she’s anything like me, it’s because she joined the Mile-Cry Club during her flight. What’s the Mile-Cry Club? It’s like the Mile-High Club, but instead of getting your fuck-on at 10,000 feet in the air, the air pressure fucks with your face and your eyes won’t stop watering. Does anyone else get this? Just me? Cool, see you at the hospital.
Looks like the not-an-engament ring picked the right night to stay at home on the couch eating Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and catching up on Parenthood (“Oh Amber’s pill-addicted soldier fiancé; will you ever find peace?” the ring sobs, as he wipes more Cheetos dust on his Pajancho).
Katy Perry got booed hard last night at the Moschino show in Milan, and not because she ripped off Magica De Spell’s look (even though that is a boo-worthy offense). According to Us Weekly, the Moschino show was scheduled for 8pm, but they couldn’t start until designer Jeremy Scott’s best gals Katy Perry and Rita Ora showed up. And because troweling on 18 layers of clown spackle takes time, Katy didn’t show up till close to 9pm. Rita Ora also showed up late, about 15 minutes earlier than Katy, but either people don’t know who she is or simply chose to take pity on someone who willingly barebacked a Kardashian, because she didn’t get booed. At least not by people in Milan; Rita gets a boo from me because the only Rita that should be wearing that Swiss Cheese cracker dress is Rita from Idiocracy.
However, being tardy to the party might not have been Katy’s fault; a source told Us Weekly that 9pm was the time Katy was told to arrive, with another source saying timing issues are to be expected during a busy fashion week. Regardless, when Katy finally arrived, she hopped up on the runway so that photographers could take pictures of her in head-to-toe Moschino, but literally everyone was totally over it and booed her ass until she got down. I kind of love how in the video you can see almost see her snap. Imagine if we’d gotten a video of Katy Perry whipping that handbag at some boo-having hater’s face? One can dream.
It’s nice to see that the old set pieces and costumes from Michael Jackson’s “Remember The Time“ video got a second life.
A week after the “teaser” for Katy Perry’s video for Dark Whores got queefed up on the Internet and her Liberace butt dingles grill invaded my day terrors, the entire video has been released. It looks like a 5th grader’s diorama on Ancient Egypt threw up on a Lisa Frank Cleocatra folder and the whole thing came to life. Katy Perry’s going to get a barely coherent hate letter written in Cheetos dust from Brit Brit, because Flamin’ Hot Cheetos makes a cameo in this 80s cartoon mess of a video and so does Jiff (aka Boo’s matinee understudy).
I wanted to hate this grade school-level annoying ass video and put my crucifix up to this Illuminati fuckery, because it’s very “Judy Tenuta in a remake of Cleopatra produced by Nickelodeon,” but I couldn’t. I stopped hating it when I got to this:
….because it immediately reminded me of this:
And I cannot hate anything, as annoying as it might be, that reminds me of The Sorceress from He-Man. It’s against my beliefs.
Although that dress, hair, and makeup look like they’re doing they’re fair share of trolling too: “You may think I’m a 29-year-old, but I’m really a perpetually-drunk, middle-aged 5-time divorcée with an addiction to valium and diet pills, who spends her days shouting at her housekeeper, throwing martinis on old portraits of herself, and dramatically weeping into the arm of her most expensive-looking divan.”
Hot on the heels of her recent OMG Don’t look at me or this giant suspicious-looking ring stunt, Katy Perry showed up to the 2014 Elle Style Awards last night wearing the very same engagementy-looking ring (that’s what you ask for at Jared) on THAT FINGER. And, like a true stuntin’-ass Stunt Queen, she played it off like it’s NBD and that lots of people all of a sudden start wearing special vintage engagementy-looking rings on their wedding finger. Uh huh. No one is buying what you’re selling, trick, so pack up your stall at the swap meet and get gone.
But her super clever stunt is getting attention, so get used to Katy pimping out that non-engagement ring at every chance she gets. And when we get bored of the ring (and we will) expect to see some not-at-all staged pics of her trying on wedding dresses. “OMG just because I’m trying on a princess-style white organza gown with a Swarovski-crystal veil at a store called Beautiful Brides does NOT mean I’m engaged!”
Here’s more of Katy Perry and NOT AN ENGAGEMENT RING SO STOP ASKING at the Elle Style Awards, along with Jessie J (looking like the most alagant of Croatian prostitutes), a skinnay Lily Allen, Miss Kylie, Michelle Rodriguez’s partner in grime Cara Delevingne, Bradley Cooper’s girlfriend (typing that felt really weird), Hermione Granger, and Rita Ora wearing a wedding dress that Katy Perry will no doubt ask to borrow sometime in the next 4-6 weeks:
But more importantly, who told her it was ok to leave the house wearing one of Blanche Devereaux’s old housecoats? That’s a privileged you’ve got to earn, honey.
After leaving a restaurant with John Mayer on Sunday night, Katy Perry decided she didn’t want anyone to take a picture of her face, and since Shia LaDouche has an exclusive copyright on all paper bag usage, she chose to use the next best thing: a giant diamond ring on DAT FINGER. Because nothing says ‘I don’t want attention’ like wearing an engagement-looking ring on your wedding finger right after Valentine’s Day.
Of course, both Katy and John Mayer are denying they’re engaged, and that it’s just an arbitrary ring placed on a randomly-picked finger. If this is true, then I believe the reason Katy is covering her face is because halfway through dinner, she came to the sobering realization that she’s dating John Mayer and became deeply and profoundly ashamed.
Here’s more of Katy and a totally innocuous Claires-looking ring leaving dinner on Sunday night with John Mayer. Yikes, are those Bono glasses and Eat-Pray-Love beads around John’s neck? Fuck, if I were Katy, I’d hide my face out of embarrassment too.
And if she wants them back, she can call 1-800-EAT-SHIT, because they’re property of The Vatican now. Anything that’s touched Katy Perry’s anointed chichis are considered a religious artifact and are immediately sent FedEx overnight to Pope Francis, where they’re then packed into a rocket and blasted off into space (that’s where God lives, right?)
I’m still coming down from the contact high I got from those truly inspired gowns Katy wore to the Grammy’s, so I can’t look directly at the Red Roof Inn bedspread dress/cape/bqq cover Katy wore to The Night That Changed America event last night. It reminds me too much of the toilet paper cover doll from my nana’s bathroom, and it’s giving me the fear. If you’re more brave and less high than me (bless you, child) you can try to take a stab at it, and please report back to me if it turns into a Magic Eye picture and the image that pops out is an eagle or Kim Kardashian at the Costume Institute gala or something.
But forget about that entire bolt of Jo-Ann Fabrics clearance bin satin for a second. What I’m most offended by are those cheap clip-on bangs; Shh…It’s a Wig would like a word with you Katy. Clip-on bangs are the whippet-huffing high school drop-out daughter of those fake hair ponytail holders (who themselves are the recently-fired-from-Walmart-for-stealing Revlon-foundation wife of those visors with Guy Fieri hair).