Reminder: Katy Perry’s new single Chained To The Rhythm is not a mash-up of Grace Jones’ Slave To The Rhythm and Erasure’s Chains Of Love. It’s a “woke” anthem that was co-written by be-wigged song-writing machine Sia and is about how we’re all oblivious hamsters happily living in a safe bubble and we need to wait the fuck up. Well, it did the trick. Because about 10 seconds into Katy’s song, my brain did wake up and it sent out the message: Bitch, fuck this shit, listen to Slave To The Rhythm instead!
While walking the Grammys red carpet on Sunday night, Katy Perry made two thinly veiled head-shaving joke and Britney Spears fans on Twitter weren’t here for it. They dragged her like a Wahl hair clipper across a scalp. Brit Brit, usually blissfully docile but possibly acting off of the effects of an extra shot of syrup in her Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino, decided to respond yesterday with a slap of her own. Britney shared the same picture on Instagram and Twitter and a caption that appears to be the Bible’s version of shade.
Her mouth speaks from that which fills her heart ❤️ Luke 6:45 pic.twitter.com/L7YPi3Iirl
— Britney Spears (@britneyspears) February 13, 2017
The full verse is a lot harsher than what Brit Brit tweeted:
“A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”
This feud between Katy Perry and Britney Spears shouldn’t be happening. For one, because they’re sort of on the same team (aka Team I Don’t Know That Snake). Second, because they both received paychecks for the Smurfs movie. That’s the kind of embarrassing shit you should be bonding over well into your 80s.
Katy Perry performed her new single, Chained to the Rhythm, at the Grammys last night while simultaneously paying tribute to Wilson from Home Improvement. But before that, she walked the red carpet and caused some of the internet to start furiously typing after hearing Katy not-so-subtly drag Britney Spears not once, but twice.
Katy Perry threw her man Orlando Bloom a surprise 40th birthday party at a hotel in Palm Springs, CA on Saturday night and even though Justin Theroux was there, the biggest dick in the room was the blown-up picture of Legolas’ (sadly censored) peen. Katy apparently took the picture that launched a thousand boners and throbbing clits, blew it up and used it as a backdrop for party guests to pose in front of. Some guests made fun of Orly’s salchicha (see: picture above) and others posed normal. It doesn’t look like any of them put their mouths on that black box. I know, Katy and Orlando have weird friends.
As Jabba the Trump ate a fancy dinner with his rival-turned-ass kisser Mitt Romney (Note: In this picture of them, it looks like the laxatives Trump spiked in Mitt’s roasted crow cake just kicked in and Trump is fapping over the thought of it.), the reigning President of Pantsuits, Hillary Clinton, laughed to keep from crying (aren’t most of us?) while honoring Katy Perry at the 12th Annual UNICEF Snowflake Ball in NYC last night. Katy nearly campaigned her magnificent chichis off for HRC, but if I was HRC, I would’ve unfriended her ass as soon as she dressed up like a Hills Have Eyes version of me for Halloween.
Earlier this week, In Touch claimed that Katy Perry’s relationship with Orlando Bloom was done after 10 months of dating, and that it happened shortly after Halloween. Katy and Orlando must have sobered up the day after Halloween, looked at those pictures of them dressed up as expired cough syrup hallucinations of Hillary and Trump, and decided they just couldn’t look at each other the same way ever again. But that’s probably not the case.
While her arch nemesis was doing the Mannequin Challenge with some rented friends, Katy celebrated an intimate Thanksgiving yesterday with her family, which included Orlando. We know this because Katy made sure to Instagram proof that it happened.
Orlando even got his own festive flannel onesie. You know you’re really a member of the family when they feel comfortable enough around you to let your loose trouser change jingle-jangle in pajama pants all day.
Nothing says “We’re still together, goddamnit!” like your boyfriend holding a baby and referring to him as “family.” I do like how she says she can’t quit him now. That’s called covering your ass. She might not be quitting him now, but get back to her in a couple days when his Tamagotchi and Selena Gomez CDs are in a box at the end of her driveway.