A group of Roman Catholic nuns in Los Angeles are currently throwing holy water at Lady Justice and condemning a certain judge’s soul to the depths of hell, because they lost hard in their battle to keep their precious convent out of the clutches of Katy Perry’s unholy chichis!
Because yesterday was a Sunday, ANOTHER country music awards show happened, but this one was a little more special than the others, because it honored the one-of-a-kind legend in an angelic wig: Dolly Parton! At the Academy of Country Music Awards in Las Vegas last night, Dolly was given the Tex Ritter Award for her TV movie Dolly Parton’s Coat of Many Colors, which aired last December. God himself should’ve shot down from Heaven to present the award to one of his greatest creations, but Katy Perry did it for some reason. Maybe Dolly Parton’s future successor Lisa Gail was already booked last night?
While appropriating country glamour culture by doing herself up like Cowboy Curtis’ side piece
Drugstore Cowgirl Katy 99 Cent Store Cowgirl Katy, Orlando Bloom’s current boo presented her “hero” Dolly Parton with the award and afterward, the two yodeled out a medley that included “Coat of Many Colors,” “Jolene” and “9 to 5.” Never mind that Katy Perry should’ve been arrested for that discount Halloween costume, she should’ve dropped her mic and dosey doe’d into the audience so that Dolly could’ve had the stage to herself! But Dolly probably wouldn’t have wanted that. Dolly is as charitable as she is gorgeous and was kind enough to let a musical lesser perform with her:
When is Dolly Parton going to get the sainthood she clearly deserves? I mean, she should get it for the simple fact that she resisted the urge to snatch that $4 “Flo from Progressive” wig off of Katy Perry’s head. Wearing that wig in front of the goddess of wigs is breaking all the commandments.
As John Mayer’s self-proclaimed David Duke dick hits the road to campaign for Donald Trump, his ex-piece Katy Perry (born name: JonBenét Ramsey) went off to Hawaii with her piece-of-the-moment Orlando Bloom. They first started eye-fucking and flirting with each other at a Golden Globes after-party in January and almost 2 months later, they’re still bumping nipples and bouncing on each other’s wet parts. 2 months is practically 15 years in famous people time, so I guess this means that they should get a couple name. I’m going with Blorry. It sounds like what you’d call a blow job on a lorry. It’s perfect.
Entertainment Tonight says that Katy Perry did a private show at the Grand Wailea Resort in Maui last week. Orlando joined her and when Legolas didn’t have a face full of her Misty Mountains at the private house they rented, they went hiking and to dinner and a helicopter ride. Some witness, who was in the same restaurant as them, told ET that Katy and Orlando nearly made everyone in the place gag on their luau pig as they got into some sickly PDA action. Rude whores, people are trying to eat!
“They looked very loved up and really into each other. They were comfortable letting everyone see them as a couple — lots of PDA and hand-holding. It seemed very romantic and they both smiled a lot, and looked to really enjoy each other’s company.”
ET also has a bunch of pictures of Blorry holding hands. Here’s one of Orlando Bloom’s right nipple trying to get a peak of Katy Perry’s chichis.
— EntertainmentTonight (@etnow) February 29, 2016
Click here to see the rest of the pictures. You know, I was going to say that Orlando Bloom is a major, major, MAJOR upgrade from John Mayer, because John Mayer, but then I saw the picture of him dressed like a Hawaiian cholo. I didn’t need the image of Legolas saying, “Aloha, vato!”
We all know who the woman in 10lbs of high-grade spackle and 5lbs of flammable hair on the right is, but allow me to introduce the person to her left. On the left we have what the Internet tells me is a 23-year-old singer and songwriter named Ryn Weaver. She also happens to be the latest person to accuse Katy Perry of being the music industry’s Regina George.
Let me preface this read by stating I am sitting here in an Old Navy tee I probably bought in 2008 and ill-fitting jeans from Target. (I originally had on some Yeezy Season 3 but I changed.) Now that I’ve admitted that I am the sartorial equivalent of Applebees, let’s proceed.
Fresh from wearing my dog to the Adele concert on Friday night, Katy Perry showed up to the Creators Party at LA’s Cicada last night dressed like this. She probably should have moved on to my other dog cuz’ this is a right mess. She looks like a low-rent drag princess evoking Erotica-era Madge on a budget. That’s ok for a drag princess but this one has “Firework” money.
The real look last night was Elle King’s ginger date dressed like a hipster equestrian. That’s what you go out in. Not Gay Bavaria.
Check out more pics from the Creators Party in the gallery below. Please pay special attention to Sia because that’s obviously what she’s looking for.
Everyone who you’re not and never will be was at the Adele show in LA last night. Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone, Woody Harrelson, Katy Perry, Orlando Bloom, and John Mayer were among the crowd screaming like the final girl in a horror movie when Adele went “Hello…”.
Here’s some slightly blurry and sort of far-away shots of the various celebrities entering and/or exiting the theater. Let’s see, there’s Katy Perry’s ass arriving. As you will note in those particular shots, I type that literally. Later on, you get to see her and Orlando Bloom exiting out of the VIP fire escape. Katy’s coat is giving me an uncomfortable feeling because it bears an eerie resemblance to my apricot-colored teacup poodle. For serious, his fur is the exact shade and consistency as that piece of apparel. He’s still here and not skinned. I checked. The last thing I need is some pop skeeve with breasts that shoot non-lactate substances breaking into my home and de-furring my dog.
There’s Jennifer Lawrence and Emma Stone exiting the side door as well. Joy seems to be trying to assist Ms. Stone in navigating those stairs. Drunks! But who doesn’t get shittoed at concerts? It should be noted that someone at the Wiltern obviously hates celebs. Making tricks who can afford the really quality booze and drugs exit down a really high staircase post-concert is asking for ambulances. I’m not judging!
According to TMZ, John Mayer was in attendance with a new lucky lady who’s hopefully had all of her shots. I hope there was some weirdness between him and Katy and Legolas. Legolas is the kind of douche who will slap at another douche so perhaps their celebrity skyboxes got crossed somehow and there was friction.
In lower-tier famous news, David Foster and Gayle King (see below) were on the premises. Wait, are they dating? Does that Lyme-disease claimin’ Yolanda Foster chick know that her ex is stepping out with Oprah’s lady? Shit, does Oprah know? Gayle better proceed with caution. Or the next president she’ll be interviewing will be at the Career Center because O will consign her to the curb.
Check out more pics of Katy Perry, Orlando Bloom, Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone, David Foster, and Gayle King in the gallery.
Katy Perry and her current maybe-boyfriend Orlando Bloom are still doing the whole casual relationship thing (their matchmaker, that vape pen, must be so proud), and according to Page Six, shit almost got nine levels of awkward on their last date.
Katy and Orlando were attending a birthday dinner the Sunset Tower Hotel on Wednesday night with a whole mess of famous types, like Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman. And as luck (or that vengeful bitch karma) would have it, guess who just so happened to saunter into the Sunset Tower as they were having dinner? Patient zero for vaginal vinegar poisoning himself, John Mayer. A witness claims John skipped the bar and made a beeline for the elevators, and they *think* it’s because he knew two of his ex-girlfriends were inside. Or maybe he hauled ass to the elevators because he was six seconds from a butt blowout? You don’t know, witness!
Of course there is a chance John Mayer knew Katy Perry was in the bar with his replacement. I wouldn’t put it past that sneaky bimbo to use his boner like a divining rod and track down his exes. But clearly his inner Jiminy Cricket told him to leave them alone, and Katy and Orlando were able to enjoy their date without having to do that fake as hell “Oh heeeyyyy” when you run into an ex in public.
As for how things are going between Katy and Orlando, Page Six says several witnesses confirm that Katy and Orlando’s flirt game is still strong.
“Orlando and Katy had that new-relationship glow about them. They were cuddling and flirting with each other all night.”
Meanwhile, another witness described Orlando like this: “He looks like an old baby.” I have no idea what the hell that means either, but I love it. I’m sure there are at least a dozen Hollywood-types asking their plastic surgeons “Can you make me look like an old baby?” as we speak.
“Cause the players gonna play play play play play…my game, because nobody wanted to play yours. Tee hee! Sorry ’bout it!”
Taylor Swift, the world’s wealthiest Willow Tree figurine, is about to get a hell of a lot richer. And no, it’s not because she’s got a pre-Valentine’s Day Etsy copyright infringement lawsuit binge planned this weekend. Variety says that Glu Mobile, the people responsible for Kim Kardashian’s mobile game Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, are developing a mobile game about Taylor Swift.
No doubt this news is making every 13-year-old girl in America scream like its Swiftmas™ Eve, but there’s one 13-year-old girl who is screaming for a whole other reason. And that person is the 13-year-old Lisa Frank-obsessed girl trapped in the body of a 31-year-old woman that is Katy Perry. According to BuzzFeed, one of the reasons why Glu Mobile is developing a game around Taylor Swift is because the game they made about Katy Perry, Katy Perry Pop, was a total flop. Apparently nobody wanted to drain their data plan doing whatever the hell Katy Perry is describing below.
Glu Mobile’s CFO recently said Katy’s game was one of their “biggest disappointments” from last year. And now they’re replacing her game with one starring her sworn enemy. Taylor Swift just gave the marketing team at Glu at standing ovation for their lack of subtlety.
Glu has released zero details about Tay Tay’s game, but I’m going to assume it will probably have something to do with becoming a member of her sugar cookie princess squad. But since Taylor is all about that money, and Glu is all about those in-app purchases, they’re going to have to find a way to rig the game so that players never actually make it that far. Which, now that I think of it, should be pretty easy. “This game is so frustrating. It won’t let me level up to Please Welcome To The Stage because it says I’m not a six-foot-tall supermodel.”
It looks like we can upgrade Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom’s situation from “Flirting” to “Engaging in low-pressure social activities together.” Be careful you two, or your relationship is bound to get whiplash from moving so fast.
Shortly after the booze-induced brain fog wore off from the night before, everyone ran to the cafeteria and started whispering about how Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom were seen “flirting” and “sharing a vape pen” during a Golden Globes afterparty. Clearly they enjoyed all that flirting and vaping, because UsWeekly says were seen together backstage during a performance of a play in Culver City on Thursday night. But did they share a vape pen???
Evidence of Katy and Orlando’s casual date also showed up online when they took a selfie with the play’s star and he threw it up on Instagram. However, the most IMPORTANT part of this story is that it looks like Katy and Orlando were on a double-date with 90s legend (in my mind) Vinessa Shaw! It’s OK, I’ll forgive you for not noticing such an significant detail; your eyes no doubt skipped right past Kimberly Mullen from Ladybugs and went straight to Orlando Bloom’s bad boy earring. If you want to know what the play was about, I wouldn’t ask Katy Perry. I’m sure she spent the entire time texting her friends: “OMG am sitting next to Allison from Hocus Pocus.”
Speaking of Orlando’s sexy cool dad earring, here’s more of Orlando strolling out of The Nice Guy last night wearing pretty much the exact same outfit he wore on his date with Katy Perry. Fun Fact: the photo agency tells me he left The Nice Guy and went to a strip club. Dirty clothes and a trip to the strippers? Watch out, John Mayer, you’ve got some competition!
According to pretty much EVERYONE (but specifically Vanity Fair, UsWeekly, E!, and People), Katy Perry – the Golden Globes presenter that made the majority of viewers turn to the person sitting beside them and whisper “Wait, why is she here?“, and Orlando Bloom – the Golden Globes presenter who I initially thought was a cleaned-up Charlie Sheen, might be a thing that is happening.
A whole bunch of blabbermouths who attended Harvey Weinstein’s afterparty squealed on Katy and Orlando by claiming they spent a good chunk of the night together doing the following: whispering, flirting, being flirty, leaning in close, getting super cozy, “sharing a vape pen“, and dancing together. One source added that Orlando would “touch the small of her back” when talking to her. The small of her back? Calm down, you two! It’s Harvey Weinstein’s Golden Globes afterparty, not the orgy scene from Caligula.
Obviously, Katy and Orlando’s G-rated middle school dance antics could be nothing more than two drunk n’ horny famous types who accidentally brushed up against each other on the way to the bar and were like “Oooh, let’s do that again, but on purpose.” Or maybe hooking up with some random dick like Orlando was Katy checking off Step 4 in her 12-Step dickmatization recovery program. That’s probably it.
Because it was one of the hottest looks of the night, here’s more of Katy Perry looking like the first runner-up in something called a Miss Atlantic Titty pageant.