Forgotten Taylor Swift enemy Katy Perry feels terrible that some dude in Tennessee was in an online relationship with someone posing as her for six years. I feel bad for him, too. In addition to all the hearthache and psychological trauma, the world is now aware that you were catfished by someone posing as friggin’ Katy Perry. Why couldn’t Fate have eased up on the guy and had him catfished by a hot celebrity, say, Dame Judi Dench? Or Joanne the Scammer?
Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry have been a thing since they were seen “flirting” and vaping at a Golden Globes afterparty back in January, which means they’ve been together for seven months. If regular people have the seven-year itch, then famous people have the seven-month itch. According to a statistic made up by me, seven months is usually how long it takes for a famous person to get the itch to sell their exclusive wedding pics to People or post a positive Clearblue pee stick on Instagram. It sounds like one of them has the seven-month itch, and it’s Orlando. Katy? Errr….not so much.
In case you couldn’t tell from the screams of the internet asking for Detective La Toya to please join forces with Detective Courtney Love to track down Orlando Bloom’s raw naked pics, the New York Daily News posted a gallery of exclusive pictures starring Katy Perry and her dick-out naked piece. But well, the NYDN threatened all of us with a good time, because they put a dreaded censor box of doom over Orlando’s peen in ALL of the pics. We’ve all been cock blocked by a black box.
Katy and Orlando are on vacation in Sardinia, Italy, and for some reason, he decided to strip down to nothing and paddleboard. I don’t know why you would want to paddleboard naked, but I’m not complaining. Get all Hedonism II in that bitch, Orly! Living the life IS sitting comfortably on your chariot as a naked Legolas paddles you around.
— NY Daily News Gossip (@NYDNgossip) August 3, 2016
If it was Jon Hamm in those pics, he wouldn’t need that paddle. The Hammaconda would steer them safely to land while fighting off any sharks that circle around them.
You can click here to see all of the censored pics if you want to. Thankfully there’s people on Twitter who are as hard-up as we are, because they’ve pointed out that you can see the shadow of what may be Orlando’s peen (but it could be his arm) in one pic. I hope Orlando’s peen didn’t see its own shadow because that would mean six more weeks without seeing the uncensored pics.
UPDATE: I guess Orlando’s peen didn’t see its own shadow, because Orlando’s bare peen has leaked on is all over Tumblr, and your eyes can get it (NSFW, duh) here.
The 2016 Summer Olympics begin in a little over two weeks in Rio, which means all those online invitations to “COME TO BRAZIL” will finally pay off. In honor of the upcoming Olympic games, Katy Perry slipped away from the high school cafeteria fight and released a power anthem called “Rise.” E! News says “Rise” will be used by NBC during their coverage of the games. It’s basically everything you’d expect from a Katy Perry song: motivational poster vocals and emotion on top of emotion. She also released a video for “Rise” which features a montage of Olympic athletes doing their athletic thing. It’s perfect to get people jacked up for the Olympics; it’s basically performance enhancing drugs in music form. Here it is, the song that you’ll either love or want to hit the mute button on your television during every NBC commercial break.
As for the song itself, “Rise” is Katy’s first release in three years and debuted on the TODAY show this morning. Katy also released a statement about “Rise” earlier today.
When we last left the drama going down in the quad at Famous Millionaire High, Calvin Harris sharted up a whine stream on Twitter after the story came out that Taylor Swift wrote the lyrics to “This Is What You Came For.” Taylor’s people also let us know through TMZ that she came up with the melody too, thankyouverymuch.
In his Twitter dragging of Taylor, Calvin mentioned how he’s not going to let her bury him the way that she tried to bury Katy Perry. Katy Perry piped in on Twitter. You know, Calvin Harris is too old for this. Taylor Swift is too old for this. Katy Perry is too old for this. And we’re all too old for this, but who cares! I’m still eating up the stupid drama as if it was smeared all over Prince Hot Ginge’s peen.
If you’re one of Katy Perry’s 89.1 million Twitter followers (yes, that number is correct), you no doubt saw her tweeting some truly insane shit yesterday. The most insane being a tweet sent to her forever enemy Taylor Swift that wasn’t simply a middle-finger emoji. Any communication sent from Katy Perry to Taylor Swift would be enough for you to assume her Twitter account was being run by someone else. And yeah, it was.
According to E! News, Katy Perry’s Twitter account was hacked sometime on Monday night. Right now, Twitter is trying to investigate who is responsible, but they think it might be a Romanian-based Twitter user who goes by the name @sw4ylol. In between tweeting hate words and “Miss u baby” to Taylor Swift, the hacker tweeted for people to follow @sw4ylol with the hashtag “#hackersgonnahack.” Shortly after, the account belonging to @sw4ylol tweeted a SoundCloud link to an unreleased Katy Perry song titled “Witness 1.3.” However, that tweet has since been replaced with a screengrab of a copyright notice from SoundCloud, and the song itself has also apparently been yanked off of SoundCloud.
As for @sw4ylol, I’m sure they’ve already been contacted by Taylor Swift’s lawyers regarding the matter. Not because she was dragged into the hacking of one of the uncool girls, but because their Twitter handle is just a little too close to hers. “The number 4 is only one number off from 3. Not to mention that the letters s, w, y, l and o have all been trademarked by Taylor Swift Inc.”
Once Katy’s people figured out what had happened, they took a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to the suspect tweets and have pretended like nothing weird happened. As for that supposedly leaked song, there’s literally no evidence of it anywhere online. Did it even exist in the first place? Who knows! But if it did, I’m going to assume the video for it would have been a messy take on the 1985 movie Witness, with Katy Perry dressed in some boobed-up vaguely-Amish costume and winking while working a butter churn.