Hmmm… those chichis look a bit…deflated. Does Katy Perry have to make EVERYTHING about her, even #deflategate?!
At the green round table in the middle of the cafeteria the other day, 14-time HS junior and one of the most popular girls in school Katy Perry told the school newspaper (aka Billboard) that she’s not a shady megabitch or anything, but if a petty whore, who shall remain nameless, tugs at her ponytail, she’s going to tug back, because she lives her life like that Christina Aguilera song “Fighter.” Katy Perry didn’t name names, but we all know she’s talking about 11-time HS freshmen and assistant JV cheerleading captain Taylor Swift. The lamest and most immature high school feud all started when Tay Tay said that her song “Bad Blood” is about a conniving, cunty pop star who is her “straight-up enemy” and tried to sabotage her tour by stealing her back-up dancers. Katy slapped back at Taylor by tweeting: “Watch out for the Regina George in sheep’s clothing.”
While talking about her half-time performance at the homecoming game on Sunday, Katy told the school newspaper that she’s not one to get into the ~dramz~ but she’s not going to let some jealous ho bag twat stick defame her character. “Hah, that bitch Katy defamed her own character and snatch when she fucked that creepy band geek slut John Mayer,” said all of us outcasts while passing a joint behind the gym during last period.
In her new Billboard cover story, Katy Perry wasn’t interested in throwing shade. Keeping her eye on the Super Bowl halftime show prize, Perry only had this to offer when asked about it: “If somebody is trying to defame my character, you’re going to hear about it.”
I totally wasn’t going to watch the homecoming game (“More like HoCumming game since that big ho Katy is performing, amirite?” – Taylor) on Sunday, but now I am. I can’t wait to see Taylor get her revenge on her straight-up enemy by crashing the stage to catfight with that trick.
And yes, I realize that calling a 30-year-old and a 25-year-old two immature high school girls is rich coming from someone whose posts read like they were taken directly from a burn book written by a bitchy, unpopular 12-year-old girl who huffs paint all the time. No offense to bitchy, unpopular 12-year-old girls who huff paint all the time.
Here’s Katy at some Super Bowl press conference.
And the runner-up for Most Badass goes to TLC enthusiast Katy Perry, who is hiding behind that mess of face-obscuring purple hair. Sorry Katy, but a middle finger is still more badass than Manic Panic middle school mosh pit emo hair.
Both Katy Perry and No.1 badass Miley Cyrus were at something called the Daily Front Row Fashion Los Angeles Awards last night to celebrate their designer friend and guy who sort of looks like a human eraser-topped pencil Jeremy Scott, who was being honored with an award. And of course, those two made sure to serve up tons of high school dropout-turned-full time mallrat fuckery, because FASHION. They were also joined by Rihanna and Kanye West, who looked just so thrilled to be there. For real! Look at that smile!
I bet that’s the same face Kanye makes when he gets a text from Kim that says “Sorry kurrent husbin, kant kum 2 Paris this weeknd. Maybe u kan do sumething with Riccardo instead?” Speaking of smiling, the photographer who caught Kanye grinning must have taken this picture from behind a potted plant or a group of models signing up for Leonardo DiCaprio’s next boat cruise, because according to Kanye, Kanye never smiles in photographs. During a speech at the Daily Front Row Fashion Thingy, Kanye told the audience:
“Back when I was working on Yeezus, I saw this book from the 1800s and it was velvet-covered with brass and everything. I looked at all these people’s photos and they look so real and their outfits were incredible and they weren’t smiling and people, you know the paparazzi, always come up to me, ‘Why you not smiling?’ and I think, not smiling makes me smile. When you see paintings in an old castle, people are not smiling cause it just wouldn’t look as cool.”
They didn’t smile because it wouldn’t look as cool? Kanye, you dummy, people in old-ass castle paintings aren’t smiling because toilets weren’t invented yet and everything smelled like doo doo and people were dying from the super plague and nobody took showers. Hell, if that was my life, I wouldn’t be smiling either.
Here’s more from last night including Kanye NOT SMILING and Miley smiling all the goofy hillbilly smiles:
After only three days with their cups out, Chilli and T-Boz have panhandled enough Kickstarter cash to record the very last TLC album. That’s right, it only took three days for TLC fans to pony up $150,000, which goes to show you that there there are still rabid TLC fans in 2015 and the world is truly a crazy place. And according to TMZ, one of said rabid fans is none other than 90s-obsessed teenage goth girl woman Katy Perry. You’d think a band like TLC would be too mainstream for a low-budget Enid Coleslaw impersonator like Katy Perry, but maybe she did it to be ironic or something.
Katy apparently donated $5,000 to TLC’s Kickstarter campaign, and according to TLC’s list of donor rewards, that means Katy is entitled to either a TLC onesie, a slumber party in Atlanta with Chilli, or a slumber party in Los Angeles with T-Boz. I bet she’s going to take the onesie. Meanwhile, T-Boz and Chilli are crossing their fingers that she takes the slumber party, because they know Katy’s got the kind of cash that can rent something nicer than 3 hours at a Howard Johnson Express.
And Chilli and T-Boz managed to do the Kickstarter impossible – not only did they hit their goal in three days, but they also beat their goal by almost $24,000. That’s really great news, because that extra money means that when it comes time to design the album cover for this mess, they won’t have to hire the blind retoucher who Photoshopped Chilli’s PETA ad.
Here’s The Kickstarter Queens hosting a press conference with potential future Kickstarter users New Kids on the Block and a cardboard cut-out of Nelly:
After several months of maybe rubbing against Diplo’s DJ dick stick and a possible one-time hit it n’ quit it n’ get tested for whatever you got from it with humanoid Florida truck stop toilet seat sperm Riff Raff, it sounds like store brand Jane Lane Katy Perry might be sliding back down the douche ladder and landing on the Vinegar Prince himself, John Mayer. Uh…get it girl? I guess?
According to UsWeekly, Katy and John were spotted having dinner together this weekend, and as we all know, dinner = hard core fucking. A source tells UsWeekly that the two have “reconnected” (again, fucking), adding that “things just needed to cool down. They aren’t officially back on but talking again.”
But what happened between Katy and her Taylor Swift-dragging beau Diplo? According to that same source (Daria), it was only ever just a hook up thing and they were never serious about each other because Katy was touring and didn’t have time for a boyfriend type in her life. Well, I guess that answers my question “For why the hell is Katy Perry hanging out with a grown dude who starts Twitter fights with teenagers?” Casual boning. The answer is casual boning.
But back to John Mayer. After Katy Perry and John Mayer had dinner, apparently they went back to Katy’s house. NO KATY! You can’t keep wrapping your down-lows around John Mayer’s douche rod! That’s how you get dickmatized. Or maybe they went back to Katy’s house to play a game called Who I Did When I Was Done Doing You. That’s a game people play, right? Regardless, if Katy is going to go out for dinner with all her past pieces, I hope she remembers to brace herself when it comes time to ask Russell Brand how much the bill came to.
Katy Perry Is Pissed At Australian Paps For Stalking Her On The Beach And Demanding Pics Of Her In A Bikini
Katy Perry (seen above making the same reaction I make whenever someone says something insulting about my boo Bruce Jenner) is very pissed off at the paparazzi of Australia. Katy is currently down under on the kangaroo leg of her Prismatic Tour, and I guess she finished her vocal warm-ups early because on Friday she decided to take a walk on the beach. Once there, Katy says several paps started following her along the beach, demanding pics of her in her bikini and just generally being troublemaking assholes. So what did Katy do? Katy called them out on Twitter:
She also posted pictures of three of the dudes stalking her with their cameras, one of which sort of looks like the Australian version of Randy from My Name Is Earl.
I’m still confused as to why those persistent tricks needed a shot of Katy in her bathing suit so badly. Have they never seen a 30-year-old American woman in a bikini before? Or maybe those Australian paps heard a rumor from a talking wallaby that Katy Perry’s boobs are actually two Outback Steakhouse Bloomin’ Onions and they wanted to see the deep-fried deliciousness for themselves? But that doesn’t make any damn sense, because she just posted a pic of herself in a bikini to Instagram five days ago and her boobs looked totally normal. And also because there’s no such thing as talking wallabys, right? Australia, care to weigh in on this one?
And you know you’ve hit rock bottom as a pap when other paps are reading this and thinking “Begging for pictures of a girl in her bathing suit like a bunch of horny 12-year-old boys? Damn Australia, what happened? You use to be cool!“
So I guess that bitchy high school girl feud between wannabe goth kid Katy Perry and butterscotch prom queen Taylor Swift is still a thing, and now it looks like Kay Kay has dragged her 36-year-old maybe-boyfriend Diplo into it. Yesterday, Diplo tweeted the following shade at Tay Tay:
Someone should make a kickstarter to get taylor swift a booty
— BABY DADDY (@diplo) November 12, 2014
Of course within minutes, one of Diplo’s followers set up a Fundly page titled – you guessed it – “Get Taylor Swift A Booty“. So far, the campaign to get Taylor Swift a booty has 29 supporters and has raised a whopping $45 (which is almost enough to buy a pair of Crownette padded briefs from Sears). This act of grown-ass mean girl cuntery pleased Diplo, so he continued to tweet the link to the Fundly page several times, as well as re-tweeting a joke that a petition was sent to the White House to include getting Taylor Swift a booty in the federal budget.
As soon as the International Cheetos Leagues comes out with a petition urging Katy Perry to apologize for appropriating their culture, I will co-sign that shit with all my emails.
Because celeb whores have enough cash to spend on several costumes, they started Halloween off a little early last night with Kate Hudson’s annual costume party in the Pacific Palisades. Everyone on IMDB went to that shit including the other Katy Hudson known to all of us as Katy Perry. Slutoween is amateur hour for Katy Perry, because most days of the year she’s got her magnificent chichis out and is done up in rhinestone-embedded fuckery. So for Halloween, she covered herself up and dressed up as a deliciously processed treat that you can only stomach for so long. The beauty of a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos costume is that it can be worn several times and can be passed off as something different each time.
If you want to go vintage, you can tell everyone that you’re dressed up as Chyna’s throbbing dick clit. If you want to bring the sex, you can tell everyone you’re dressed up as Carrot Top’s slightly curved, hard peen. If you want to be topical and controversial, you can tell everyone you’re dressed up as one of the flaming turds that fall out of Not The Mama June’s deep fried pie hole. If you want to be medical, tell everyone you’re dressed up as an anal fissure and if they ask, “What’s an anal fissure,” just say, “Okay, I’m Justin Bieber.” That costume can be almost anything. So well played, Katy.
There are risks, though. If you wear a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos costume out in public, there’s a really good chance that you’ll hear the sound of loud stomping and right after you hear someone scream, “GETS IN MAH BELLY, MISTUH CHEETOZ“, you’ll black out. You’ll wake up minutes later in Brit Brit’s gut. But don’t worry, she’ll eventually shit you out and after you sign a non disclosure, Daddy Spears will send you on your way with a pile of money and a take home bowl full of Velveeta grits.
Here’s more pictures of famous (and not-so-famous) people at Kate Hudson’s party including Kate, Goldie Hawn and their friends as Sluts of Anarchy, Rachel “Chupa” Zoe as a trash bag demon and Lily Allen as Dr. Luke (because she would).
According to Page Six, Super Bowl XLIX will be your ~so edgy~ 13-year-old cousin’s dream come true (“Whatever I don’t care football sucks“) because human Sour Punch Straw Katy Perry will be performing during the halftime show. It sounds like Katy will be the only performer, but who knows? Maybe she’ll bring her friends Bonnie, Rochelle, and Sarah on stage with her to play light as a feather stiff as a board in between “Roar” and “Teenage Dream”.
Originally it was rumored that the halftime show would be either Katy, Coldplay, or Rihanna. Obviously Princess Ooh-Na-Na was out the second she responded to CBS pulling her song from an NFL broadcast last month (THE AUDACITY!) by hissing “Fuck you!” to CBS on Twitter. And who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to have Coldplay, aka the Sleepytime® tea of music, perform at the Super Bowl? Does Bedtime Bear work for the NFL now? So Katy ended up being the best choice. You know, since Prince was clearly busy.
For those of you reading this news of Katy Perry landing the halftime show at Super Bowl
ALEX XLIX and thinking “Oh, so you mean Jane Lane’s Forever 21 cousin managed to cut the NFL a large enough check?“, Katy would like you to know that, um, no, Katy Perry don’t play that pay-for-play bullshit. Taylor Swift’s Regina George told ESPN’s College GameDay on Saturday that she’s “not the kind of girl to pay to play the Super Bowl.” Uh huh. SHOW ME THE SUPER BOWL RECEIPTS, KATY!
It goes without saying that in this post-Nipplegate world we live in, nothing too messy can happen, but that doesn’t mean Katy can’t bring a little DayGlo Tumblr teen fuckery to the halftime show. First off, I want to see Katy dance with either that twerking ice cream cone from the “This Is How We Do” video or a giant corn dog. Second, I want to see Katy try to catch a football on stage. That would literally be the best thing in the world. Make it happen, Katy!
More details continue to surface regarding the petty 7th grade girl feud between human cellophane-wrapped hard candy Taylor Swift and the Forever 21 version of Jane Lane Katy Perry. According to Page Six, things turned to shit between Kay Kay and Tay Tay when an actual bag of shit came between them, ie. noted shitbag John Mayer. Taylor and John dated back in 2010 when Tay Tay was 19 and John was 32, but he broke up with her to pursue other pussies. This made Tay Tay cry and write “Dear John”, which basically called him a sleazy dirtbag for unwrapping her 19-year-old butterscotch candy.
But this also made John cry, claiming that being dragged in a song by Tay Tay was “really humiliating” and called her a cheap songwriter. When Katy hooked up with John in 2012, sources claim Kay Kay starting making cunty remarks about Tay Tay as retribution. This made Tay Tay pull out her burn book and call Kay Kay a two-faced fugly slut for hooking up with one of her many Aaron Samuels. I mean, she was half a virgin when she met him!
Uh oh, passive-aggressive shots fired! It was revealed yesterday in a Rolling Stone interview that human Werther’s Original Taylor Swift had written a song for her upcoming album 1989 about a super-mean tour-sabotaging former showbiz frenemy titled “Bad Blood”, but it could have also been called “Bad Blind” because it was pretty obvious she was talking about Katy Perry. Now would be a good time to remind you that Taylor Swift is almost 25 and Katy Perry will be 30 years old next month. You know, just in case you thought we were discussing the drama between two 13-year-old girls.
Even though Tay-Tay Butterscotch Sundae never named her by name (CALL A BITCH OUT, TAYLOR), Katy Perry took to Twitter (via UsWeekly) to let everyone know that even though a certain someone (CALL A BITCH OUT, KATY) might act all sweet and innocent, she’s actually more of a mean girl than she lets on:
“I prefer to think of myself as a sweet lil’ apple pie-baking spring lamb, but sheep works too I guess” – Taylor Swift.
So let me get this straight: Kay-Kay and Tay-Tay used to be friends until Kay-Kay started doing some major plastics sabotage by hooking up with Tay-Tay’s leftovers and trying to steal her dancers and saying mean things to Tay-Tay, which made Tay-Tay cry tears of liquid butterscotch into her hand-embroidered lace-trimmed pillows. So she decided to get revenge by showing everyone what an awful person Kay-Kay is by writing a song about her, but she doesn’t say who she’s talking about, because she’s SUCH a good person and would NEVER do something so bitchy. Then Kay-Kay gets revenge on Tay-Tay by
pushing her in front of a bus dragging a bitch on Twitter.
Oh my god, does Ms. Norbury have to call you two into the gymnasium and talk about the times you’ve felt personally victimized by each other?? Well she isn’t going to, because Ms. Norbury is a high school teacher and YOU ARE TWO GROWN-ASS WOMEN!