Entertainment Tonight is reporting that the greatest feud to hit white girls since they had to choose between being on Team Jennifer Aniston or Team Angelina Jolie may finally be coming to a resolute conclusion. It seems that Katy Perry and Taylor Swift are inching ever closer to the forgiveness duet nobody needs, as Katy has let it be known that she is “open” to working with Taylor Swift on new music.
I guess every celebrity around the world wants to make sure we know they would NEVER cheat their kid’s way into college, so this will be the first of many stories where a celeb shows how they’re going to make their kid know the value of hard work! Miranda Kerr, someone who has made a fortune on good looks, wants us to know her son with Orlando Bloom, Flynn, will most certainly NOT be spoiled. She then launched into how she just fell into modeling, so, uh, I’d like to huff whatever Miranda’s on!
If you’re a cheap bitch like me, you really have to plan ahead on your grocery trips because you’ll be charged if you have to use one of their bags and don’t bring your own. Everyone now uses those flimy drawstring cloth bags to hold all their ingredients for avocado toast, but Orlando Bloom must not have gotten the memo that shit is not for a living creature! Orlando was spotted driving his motorcycle to lunch in Los Angeles with a drawstring bag, and when he got off, out popped his pooch Mighty from the bag. You wouldn’t carry Katy Perry that way, Legolas, so paws off the pup!
I tell you, Fuck You money is wasted on the unimaginative basics of this world. For example, Katy Perry was on Jimmy Kimmel Live to promote season 17 of American Idol and told the adorkable story of Orlando Bloom’s Valentine’s Day proposal. For the super wealthy, nothing says tacky over-the-top romantic gesture quite like a surprise helicopter ride (with the exception of a private Kenny G concert in your “living room”), so that’s exactly what Orlando did. And where did he whisk his lady-love away to, you ask? A private island? A secluded mansion on a remote coast? An aircraft carrier to be greeted by Cher and a thousand scantily clad seamen? No. After a mile-high, bumbling proposal with a bottle of champagne and a note, Orlando had them land on a rooftop probably less than a mile from where they got picked up. Boo. Look, Orlando’s was in 4 Pirates of the Caribbean movies. He can afford Cher’s per diem.
I’ve known people who basically repeated dates, trips, and presents with each relationship they were in, and they tried to pass it off as just a random coincidence. That is a lie. It is just random laziness, friends! Always get new everything with each new peen! Orlando Bloom did not get that memo, I guess, because just days after he popped the question to Katy Perry, some people noticed her engagement ring is in the same theme as the one he gave to ex-wife Miranda Kerr.
Call me old-fashioned, but Valentine’s Day is meant for boozing with friends and bemoaning single-dom. For some tacky ass people who like to flaunt their sinful, romantic lifestyle, however, it’s a great time to get engaged! After three years of on-and-off boning, er, dating, Orlando Bloom was ready to put a ring on it and popped the question to Katy Perry. Will Left Shark be the man of honor?!