Lydia Deetz’s Forever 21 equivalent Katy Perry is currently on the cover of Forbes magazine, thanks to the crapload of money she made last year singing, hustling makeup, and getting into middle school girl fights with Taylor Swift (I don’t know those two could monetize that, but I’m sure Tay Tay found a way). And when Katy Perry called up Forbes and agreed to appear on the cover, Forbes pulled up their fanciest fainting couch and collapsed, because women don’t normally agree to that sort of thing. Katy spilled the rich person tea on Instragram yesterday:
“Before accepting the offer to be on the cover of Forbes, I was told that a lot of women have previously shied away from doing it. I wondered if it was because they thought socially it would look like they were flaunting or bragging or it wasn’t a humble decision. Ladies, there is a difference between being humble and working hard to see the fruits of your labor blossom, and your dreams realized. Hopefully this cover can be an inspiration to women out there that it’s okay to be proud of hard earned success and that there is no shame in being a boss. Also…don’t think that I didn’t celebrate this moment by going straight to Taco Bell and getting my crunch wrap supreme”
Maybe they kept turning it down because they were afraid they’d end up looking like the bastard baby of Scrooge McDuck and Magica De Spell? Maybe.
Posing on the cover of Forbes with the number of dollars you made last year floating above your shoulder is one of the more shameless ways to say “I’M RICH, BITCH!!!“, but I don’t blame her. Katy Perry earned $135 million, and she should be proud of it. Sure, she’s a grown woman who dressed up night after night like a rejected Nick Jr. cartoon from the 90s to get it, but $135 million is $135 million.
Random, thy name is all the words I just typed above. Katy Perry, looking like what my extremely Catholic elderly neighbor would describe as a “Jesus-needing heathen floozy” above, is currently in the middle of a fight with some nuns. Watch out, 13-year-old Catholic school troublemakers – Katy Perry is coming for your game.
According to the Los Angeles Times, Katy Perry wants to buy the Sisters of the Immaculate Heart of Mary convent in Los Feliz, which was being sold by the five nuns who were living in it. So she called up Los Angeles Archbishop Jose Gomez and told him she’d pay $14.5 million in cash for the convent. When Jesus heard the words “$14.5 million in cash“, he appeared in Jose’s toast and was like “Duh dude, take it” and that was that. The only problem is, the nuns who are selling the convent say it’s theirs to sell and they don’t want to sell their house to that trollop Katy Perry.
That’s pretty much it. That’s all of it.
Yesterday, Madonna threatened to show up twee corn husk Taylor Swift in the “Love Boat of music videos” department by Instagramming a “Bitch, I’m Madonna” promo poster with the faces of Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Katy Perry and Rita Ora on it. Well, the video for “Bitch, I’m Avril” came out today and most of those cameos can be labeled “queef and you missed it.” It looks like Beyonce, Miley, Kanye and Katy Perry FaceTimed in their cameos while taking a quick shit on a toilet in their water closet. It wasn’t even a long shit. It was a “dump, wipe and go” shit. The things Beyonce and Kanye will do to make Tidal happen. Nicki Minaj couldn’t even be bothered with showing up on set and she rapped her part in a TV like she’s Jambi from Pee-wee’s Playhouse or some shit. But at least Chris Rock (???) and Rita Ora (who really has nothing else to do) showed up. And Rita did herself up in Rachel Dolezal drag. Topical!
The video premiered on Madge’s newest cult Tidal before ending up everywhere else 1 second later. As for the video itself, if Beyonce’s video for 7/11 freebased 2009 Ke$ha’s saliva and used sweat from a third tier Betsey Johnson impersonator as lube to have bareback sex with Regina George’s mom, it would give birth to this 9 months later:
Watching that felt like having a seizure during an acid trip. On a positive note, Madge looked more like Jem than the new Jem looks like Jem.
And here’s some riveting pictures from the past few days of the only pop “star” who truly showed up for Madge, and her low-rent Billie Joe Armstrong-looking ass boyfriend Ricky Hilfiger walking around London.
Earlier today, Madonna teased the release of the video for “Bitch I’m Madonna“, the latest single from her certified
gold pyrite album Rebel Heart. And it appears she called in some favors, because everyone is in that shit. Beyonce! Katy Perry! Nicki Minaj! Miley Cyrus! Rita Ora! It’s like Taylor Swift’s video for “Bad Blood“, except with women who can legally rent a car. Well, not Miley and Rita – they’re both under 25. But at least they’re old enough that they don’t have to wait in said car when the grown-ups decide to stop for a drink.
Madonna doesn’t say when the video for “Bitch I’m Madonna” comes out – just that it’s “coming soon” and that they’re “just tryin to make it perfect for all of you.” I hope that last part is true, because this teaser is all kinds of BUSTED. It makes Janet Jackson’s teaser for the Unbreakable tour look like the goddamn Mona Lisa of Photoshop. What. Is. Happening. Here. That picture of Nicki looks like it was pulled from a fan art site. I’m pretty sure that’s a Destiny’s Child-era pic of Beyonce. And I can’t comment on Miley Cyrus, since someone clearly forgot to bring the layer with her face forward. Bitch is just a clump of greasy hair!
Even though this teaser is a mess, I still can’t wait to see the video. I’m crossing my fingers that it’s a lazy knock-off “Bad Blood“, complete with fight scenes and spy-sounding nicknames. I’m guessing Madonna’s is “The Queen,” Beyonce’s is “No Bitch, I’m The Queen,” Nicki Minaj’s is “Ass-assin,” Miley’s is “Lady Moonshine, “Katy Perry’s is “Fuckyoutaylorswift” and Rita Ora’s is “Rita Ora.”
The only person absent from this video is Madonna’s current friend Lady Gaga, but I’m sure it’s because she was off somewhere recording a song called “Bitch I’m Lady Gaga.”
“Oooooh, you bitches are so dead” is probably what all the 9th graders said as Lorde and Ellie Goulding nervously shuffled through the cafeteria with green trays in hand toward Taylor Swift who told them that they can’t sit with her and they better go and sit with the other losers at the round orange table in the corner. Lorde and Ellie Goulding dun goofed.
Since Tay Tay is a bitchy 15-year-old girl trapped in the body of a vintage Barbie doll, she wrote that Bad Blood (working title: Period Cramps) song about how Katy Perry stole one of her back-up dancers or some shit. I heard that Tay Tay also got revenge by carving the words “Katy Perry Iz A Cum Guzzling Skankosaur“ into a stall in the girl’s locker room bathroom and also told everyone that Katy Perry took a dump once and didn’t wash her hands afterward. Eww! A million members of Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad are in the Bad Blood video including Ellie Goulding. (Side note: A piece of me dies inside whenever I type “Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad” and that’s surprising since I thought I was completely dead inside.)
But well, over the weekend, Ellie Goulding and another member of Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad, Lorde, showed their traitor asses when they hung out and took a picture with that dancer-stealing hose beast tramp skeeza whore Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson! Lorde’s mom and Ellie Goulding both Instagrammed the above picture. In case you couldn’t tell since she doesn’t look like Emily the Strange’s stranger cousin who lives in a tree trunk in the dark part of the forest, Lorde is in the red dress in the middle. Ellie Goulding is the blonde getting strangled on the right and Katy Perry’s head is floating next to Lorde.
Ellie Goulding later deleted the picture from her Instagram and I’m guessing that had something to do with Taylor texting her with this:
That’s Emoji for: “Bitch, you dead and tell Lorde that she looks like shit as the Salsa Dancer Emoji.”
Taylor is totally going to get those traitor bitches for this. She’ll put them on clean-up crew after her Easy Bake Oven cupcake parties. Or maybe that picture proves that this Katy vs. Taylor feud is made up by their publicists and tween gossiping girls trapped in the bodies of 30-something gay bloggers are falling for it. No, that can’t be it.
Here’s Katy’s arch rival with Girl Squad members (there goes a piece of me into a coffin) Gigi Hadid and Martha Hunt in NYC this past weekend.
Welcome to round 4,239 of the never-ending high school lunchroom fight between 4-time self-appointed prom queen Taylor Swift, her former BFF and current wannabe parking lot bad girl Katy Perry, and the sleazy dude who should have graduated years ago but still continues to hang around the halls asking every girl who walks by “Wassup?” John Mayer. I know, it’s been entirely too long since the last one.
According to Heat (via Hollywood Life), John Mayer is helping Katy Perry write a song about their mutual enemy Taylor Swift in an attempt to get back at her for writing one about Katy. A “friend” of Katy’s – who I’ll pretend confessed all of this in the 2nd floor girls bathroom while taking a long drag off a cigarette she yanked from her mother’s purse – says:
“Katy thinks revenge is a dish best served cold. She’s even more determined to show people what she calls ‘the real Taylor’, she’s writing some big, anthemic-type songs that’ll feature dirt on Taylor that John’s told her from when they used to date.”
They went on to add that Katy is still mad that she didn’t get to go to the Billboard Music Awards and it’s all Tay Tay’s fault. Apparently John Mayer convinced her that shit might get awkward with living beige Crayola crayon and her fan club, so she skipped it.
Even though I’m sure Katy Perry and John Mayer have better things to do than write a mean girl diss track about Tay Tay (subtle suggestion), I can’t help but wonder what it would be like. Since Katy Perry is violently allergic to subtlety, I’m going to assume it will be called “Tay-LIAR“, and the video will feature Katy Perry getting into a slap fight with a broom stick in a t-shirt that says I HEART CATS with a vintage purse stapled to it while John Mayer cheers her on.
Speaking of Katy Perry’s nemesis, here’s Tay Tay doing her daily fashion show walk for the paps earlier today:
Put on your (whatever you were wearing in 2011) and pop a bottle of (whatever you were drinking in 2011) and let’s go back to a time when receiving a text containing the divorce papers emoji followed by the sad face emoji from your legal piece of a year was still something that justified you never speaking to their rude asses again. “Ah, t’was a much more formal time” thought everyone who at this moment is quitting their latest Tinder piece by tagging them in a picture of a trash can on Instagram.
During an interview with the Daily Telegraph (via UsWeekly), perpetual moody teenage girl cosplayer Katy Perry admitted that she hasn’t said shit to Russell Brand since he quit their marriage via text message three and a half years ago. And it’s not like Russell Brand is desperately trying, like “Oi mate, give us a ring? We miss you“; according to Katy, he doesn’t want to talk to her either.
“He hasn’t spoken to me since he texted me saying he was filing for divorce. I don’t want to talk about him — my songs will say what I need to say.”
She also went on to say that she still has the cat they adopted together, but she has since changed her name from Rusty (a combination of Russell and Katy) to Monkey.
But of course Russell hasn’t contacted Katy; he’s been too busy writing nightmare-making children’s books and being the Erin Brockovich of east London housing (I don’t know if that made any damn sense). I’m sure it would be a whole other story if Russell Brand was unemployed. Trust me on this one, her phone would be blowing up with texts that start with “U up? U want to talk? I miss u” and end with “No srsl girl, u up? I am – WINK!” if he didn’t have a job. Although something tells me she’s used to getting texts like that every time she calls it quits with John Mayer.
UPDATE: Katy Perry swatted at the Daily Telegraph on Twitter for reusing quotes she gave them three years ago. Okay, but has she spoken to Russell Brand lately or not?!?
I know, I shouldn’t be giving any of those evil Hollywood whores ideas, because the world has been though enough and we don’t need a Hocus Pocus reboot starring these three.
We all know that Madge and Lady CaCa have been tugging at each other’s wigs for a while and I guess Lady CaCa once tugged at Katy Perry’s, but last night they stopped shanking at each other for the sake of Instagram likes. Katy Perry (who wore a Pimp Mama Kris wig, now available in a clearance bin at Sears), Madonna and Lady CaCa (who from the neck up looks like an eyebrow-challenged Anne Boleyn) were all at the annual Look At Me Gala last night and they formed the Trifecta of Thirst by hugging on each other for a picture. Not pictured: The luminous Cher rolling her eyes at these STUNT QUEENS.
Madge posted the picture on her Instagram and added the caption:
Girls night out………. Kissing the Ring……..Finally! #metball
This is Madge we’re talking about, so by “kissing the ring,” she obviously means that those two lessers Katy and Gaga are finally paying their respects to the Godmother of Pop. Speaking of kissing the ring, designer Jeremy Scott of Moschino did just that on the red carpet:
Jeremy designed Madge’s look and by “designed” I mean spray painted the name of her album on a black dress and a vampire cape from Party City. If you’re going to steal Macy Gray’s iconic shameless promo gown, then at least do it right and add some sparkles and also put a discount code to use on iTunes.
Katy and Madge showed up to the Met Gala together, because they both wore Moschino. I figured that if anybody was going to take the theme “China: Through The Looking Glass” and run it through the cultural appropriation machine before bedazzling it, it would be Katy Perry. I really thought Katy Perry was going to show up in a neon rickshaw with a rhinestone-encrusted rice hat on her head, chopsticks sticking out of her b-hole, sequined Chinese takeout boxes over her tits, high-heeled Pearl River slippers on her feet and a giant fortune cookie on her crotch. Anyone who opened up her fortune cookie would pull out a fortune that read: “I predict that you will read a 10,000 word think piece about this outfit tomorrow.” But instead she showed up looking like the videos for “Open Your Heart“ and “Opposites Attract” crashed into her at the same time.
Here’s pictures of legendary Cher, Madge, Katy Perry, Gaga and John Mayer (who apparently kissed on Katy at an after-party. ICK NAST). And has anybody seen Drake lately? Does he look like an abuelo? Because it looks like Madge really did suck the youth out of him. She looks downright fetus-ey in the face.
And by the look of their pictures, I’m sure I could have also written “two cast members from Count McNightmare’s Discount Murder Mystery Dinner Theatre are doing it” and you wouldn’t have thought anything of it. I’m sure even Katy Perry is staring at that picture like “Why do I look like Dynasty Dame Edna?”
As of about six weeks ago, it appeared Katy Perry was still humping on John Mayer’s vinegar-scented douche stick and it seemed like they were sort of a thing again. However, according to the NY Daily News, they might have entered the off-again portion of their on-again/off-again relationship once again, because Katy allegedly spent Saturday night hooking up with Mumford & Sons banjo player Winston Marshall. A source claims that both Katy Perry and Mumford & Sons were playing in Berlin on Saturday night, and they ended up partying together after their shows. That’s when – to quote Chris Farley in Billy Madison – him and her. Got. It. On.
Of course, both Katy’s rep and Winston’s rep declined to say whether or not these two were humping.
I know practically nothing about Mumford & Sons besides banjos, hipster hair cuts, hats, scarves, and that their lead singer is married to Carey Mulligan and looks like an old timey version of Ken Marino, so I have no idea if this is good news for bad news for Katy Perry’s fuck parts. But I’m inclined to think it’s good news, because a messy one night stand is a good way to begin the complicated de-dickmatization process from John Mayer, which Katy very desperately needs.
You know, at least until the next time she’s asked about her. NO! Taylor Swift is for-real done talking about the Veronica to her Betty, Katy Perry, no matter how much delicious attention it would get her. The human version of Debbie from The Oblongs recently told The Telegraph that you won’t hear the name of her former friend and current reason for why she goes though a 6-pack of scented glitter pens a month (scrawling the words SLUT SKANK BITCH 20 times a day in your Burn Book kills a ton of ink) leave her mouth hole ever again, because she is done talking about Katy Perry:
“I’m not giving them anything to write about. I’m not walking up the street with boys, I’m not stumbling out of clubs drunk. But I’m never going to talk about her in my interview. It’s not going to happen.”
She then added: “You hear that Gretchen? Stop tying to make our fight happen, it’s NOT going to happen“.
Tay Tay’s comments have me pulling a Marcia Brady-style “Nice try, Butterscotch“, because it’s a little redundant to say you don’t want to talk about someone and then proceed to talk about them. If she was really, truly done talking about Katy Perry, she should have pulled a Mimi and responded with a simple “I don’t know her.” THAT’S how you show someone you’re done talking about their ass.
And if you ever wanted to see what Tay Tay would look like if she bought a plaid poncho coat and went two shades darker on her lipstick, here’s Taylor Swift’s final Pokemon evolution form, Karlie Kloss, in Milan earlier today: