Of course Taylor Swift was not going to let that dancer-stealing trollop Katy Perry get the last incoherent word in.
Last week, Katy Perry tossed a chopped word salad (with a side of HUH? dressing) at Taylor Swift after Taylor Swift told Nicki Minaj that pitting women against each other is very unlike her. Katy Perry said in so many garbled words that Taylor was being a hypocrite since “Bad Blood” is about their ongoing feud. Well, Taylor later apologized to Nicki, but didn’t say anything about what Katy Perry tweeted. But why would Tay Tay respond with words when she can respond with an onstage stunt?
As Vulture points out, while Tay Tay was onstage yodeling out “Bad Blood” during a show in Foxborough, Massachusetts over the weekend, a Dollar Tree Left Shark made a quick 3-second appearance. Apparently, the dude in the Left Shark costume is one of her back-up dancers and during every show, he pops up while wearing a costume. He dressed up as a lobster the night before. But you know Taylor told him to wear that Left Shark costume, because that shifty little corn husk doll will never miss out on an opportunity to troll her arch rival!!
— Jillian (@Swifty448) July 27, 2015
Since I’m a bitchy tween girl trapped in the body of a skinny fat gay blogger, I laughed for a second. But really, I can’t wait to see which one of them pours a bucket of pig’s blood on the other one at the big junior high school dance (aka the MTV VMAs).
While Nicki Minaj explained on Instagram that the shit she said about the MTV VMA nominations wasn’t about Taylor Swift, and Katy Perry tried to slap down Tay with a tweet that read like it was written by a drunk spambot with untreated Dyslexia, Ed Sheeran came to the defense of the singing prairie scarecrow.
Ed, who I guess is the reverse Anybodys of Tay Tay’s all-girl gang, tells Australia’s The Daily Telegraph that Taylor is not in the wrong at all and Nicki doesn’t know what she’s talking about since Beyonce, who is not built like a tetherball pole, was nominated for Video of the Year. Here’s Ed trying to get enough gold stars from Tay to move up ranks in her squad:
“I think everyone knows that Taylor has done nothing wrong in that situation. She didn’t nominate herself for the awards. It’s not her fault, she just made some good videos and people think they’re good. And I think the Minaj point is a bit redundant, her point is that you have to be skinny and white to get a video of the year nomination but Beyonce’s 7/11 is in there and that is celebrating the female figure in every form.”
BUT WAIT! Ed tweeted to Buzzfeed UK that what The Daily Telegraph posted is not really what he meant.
“That’s taken out of context and not what I was saying was redundant at all. I was making a point about body image and not race, whilst sticking up for a mate, I definitely said it wrong though, apologies.”
I took Ed’s first statement as: “Listen, I want her to fuck me one day, so I’m just going to back her up no matter what.” I took Ed’s second statement as: “Shit, they’re turning on me now. ABORT! ABORT!”
But I still expect the other members of Tay Tay’s mob to jump into the ring for her ass. Lena Dunham will write an 8,000 word think piece where she’ll only talk about the Nicki and Taylor thing for a couple of paragraphs before going on and on about the time she fucked herself with a remote control while watching Hoobastank perform at the ’04 VMAs. Jaime King will prove her allegiance to Taylor by naming her son Nick E. Ismeen. And Lourde won’t do anything public. She’ll just cast a black magic spell against Nicki and Katy in her lair in a Hot Topic storage room.
UPDATE: Taylor tweeted an apology to Nicki today. I guess she finally let someone in her PR team take over:
I thought I was being called out. I missed the point, I misunderstood, then misspoke. I'm sorry, Nicki. @NICKIMINAJ
— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) July 23, 2015
Aaaaand Nicki forgave her:
That means so much Taylor, thank you. @taylorswift13 ❤️❤️❤️
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 23, 2015
But right after Nicki hugged Taylor, she went over to Katy and hugged her while whispering the words, “I hate that bitch too,” in her ear.
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 23, 2015
“What is everyone looking at? Why isn’t everyone paying attention to me?” – Taylor Swift, as always
In case you haven’t been following the most important news of the year, if not century, Nicki Minaj tweeted out a bunch of words on Twitter last night about “Anaconda” getting snubbed (reminder: all of this drama over the fucking VMAs), body image and racism in the music industry. At one point, the human Nermal, Taylor Swift, thought Nicki was talking about her and injected herself into it. Taylor thought it was very unlike Nicki to pit women against women. A field of side-eyes hit Taylor over that tweet since “Bad Blood” is obviously about how she hates Katy Perry, because Katy Perry stole one of her dancers or something dumb like that. Well, Katy Perry decided to jump on in and give us the sequel to her “Regina George in sheep’s clothing tweet” by squirting out this tweet that nearly melted my brain:
Finding it ironic to parade the pit women against other women argument about as one unmeasurably capitalizes on the take down of a woman…
— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) July 22, 2015
I know this is rich coming from me, but WUT? Katy was also in a feud with punctuation and sense when she wrote that shit. What Katy Perry is trying to say is that Taylor is accusing someone of “pitting women against women” while she counts all the cash she made from a song that takes down another woman. I’m sure Tay Tay will subtweet a response as soon as she comes up with something other than, “Ewww, shut up, you have cankles.”
But really, the only two things missing from this “feud” are Courtney Love and a flying compact. She’ll shut this shit down. Or make it worse. Either or.
Lydia Deetz’s Forever 21 equivalent Katy Perry is currently on the cover of Forbes magazine, thanks to the crapload of money she made last year singing, hustling makeup, and getting into middle school girl fights with Taylor Swift (I don’t know those two could monetize that, but I’m sure Tay Tay found a way). And when Katy Perry called up Forbes and agreed to appear on the cover, Forbes pulled up their fanciest fainting couch and collapsed, because women don’t normally agree to that sort of thing. Katy spilled the rich person tea on Instragram yesterday:
“Before accepting the offer to be on the cover of Forbes, I was told that a lot of women have previously shied away from doing it. I wondered if it was because they thought socially it would look like they were flaunting or bragging or it wasn’t a humble decision. Ladies, there is a difference between being humble and working hard to see the fruits of your labor blossom, and your dreams realized. Hopefully this cover can be an inspiration to women out there that it’s okay to be proud of hard earned success and that there is no shame in being a boss. Also…don’t think that I didn’t celebrate this moment by going straight to Taco Bell and getting my crunch wrap supreme”
Maybe they kept turning it down because they were afraid they’d end up looking like the bastard baby of Scrooge McDuck and Magica De Spell? Maybe.
Posing on the cover of Forbes with the number of dollars you made last year floating above your shoulder is one of the more shameless ways to say “I’M RICH, BITCH!!!“, but I don’t blame her. Katy Perry earned $135 million, and she should be proud of it. Sure, she’s a grown woman who dressed up night after night like a rejected Nick Jr. cartoon from the 90s to get it, but $135 million is $135 million.
Random, thy name is all the words I just typed above. Katy Perry, looking like what my extremely Catholic elderly neighbor would describe as a “Jesus-needing heathen floozy” above, is currently in the middle of a fight with some nuns. Watch out, 13-year-old Catholic school troublemakers – Katy Perry is coming for your game.
According to the Los Angeles Times, Katy Perry wants to buy the Sisters of the Immaculate Heart of Mary convent in Los Feliz, which was being sold by the five nuns who were living in it. So she called up Los Angeles Archbishop Jose Gomez and told him she’d pay $14.5 million in cash for the convent. When Jesus heard the words “$14.5 million in cash“, he appeared in Jose’s toast and was like “Duh dude, take it” and that was that. The only problem is, the nuns who are selling the convent say it’s theirs to sell and they don’t want to sell their house to that trollop Katy Perry.
That’s pretty much it. That’s all of it.
Yesterday, Madonna threatened to show up twee corn husk Taylor Swift in the “Love Boat of music videos” department by Instagramming a “Bitch, I’m Madonna” promo poster with the faces of Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Katy Perry and Rita Ora on it. Well, the video for “Bitch, I’m Avril” came out today and most of those cameos can be labeled “queef and you missed it.” It looks like Beyonce, Miley, Kanye and Katy Perry FaceTimed in their cameos while taking a quick shit on a toilet in their water closet. It wasn’t even a long shit. It was a “dump, wipe and go” shit. The things Beyonce and Kanye will do to make Tidal happen. Nicki Minaj couldn’t even be bothered with showing up on set and she rapped her part in a TV like she’s Jambi from Pee-wee’s Playhouse or some shit. But at least Chris Rock (???) and Rita Ora (who really has nothing else to do) showed up. And Rita did herself up in Rachel Dolezal drag. Topical!
The video premiered on Madge’s newest cult Tidal before ending up everywhere else 1 second later. As for the video itself, if Beyonce’s video for 7/11 freebased 2009 Ke$ha’s saliva and used sweat from a third tier Betsey Johnson impersonator as lube to have bareback sex with Regina George’s mom, it would give birth to this 9 months later:
Watching that felt like having a seizure during an acid trip. On a positive note, Madge looked more like Jem than the new Jem looks like Jem.
And here’s some riveting pictures from the past few days of the only pop “star” who truly showed up for Madge, and her low-rent Billie Joe Armstrong-looking ass boyfriend Ricky Hilfiger walking around London.
Earlier today, Madonna teased the release of the video for “Bitch I’m Madonna“, the latest single from her certified
gold pyrite album Rebel Heart. And it appears she called in some favors, because everyone is in that shit. Beyonce! Katy Perry! Nicki Minaj! Miley Cyrus! Rita Ora! It’s like Taylor Swift’s video for “Bad Blood“, except with women who can legally rent a car. Well, not Miley and Rita – they’re both under 25. But at least they’re old enough that they don’t have to wait in said car when the grown-ups decide to stop for a drink.
Madonna doesn’t say when the video for “Bitch I’m Madonna” comes out – just that it’s “coming soon” and that they’re “just tryin to make it perfect for all of you.” I hope that last part is true, because this teaser is all kinds of BUSTED. It makes Janet Jackson’s teaser for the Unbreakable tour look like the goddamn Mona Lisa of Photoshop. What. Is. Happening. Here. That picture of Nicki looks like it was pulled from a fan art site. I’m pretty sure that’s a Destiny’s Child-era pic of Beyonce. And I can’t comment on Miley Cyrus, since someone clearly forgot to bring the layer with her face forward. Bitch is just a clump of greasy hair!
Even though this teaser is a mess, I still can’t wait to see the video. I’m crossing my fingers that it’s a lazy knock-off “Bad Blood“, complete with fight scenes and spy-sounding nicknames. I’m guessing Madonna’s is “The Queen,” Beyonce’s is “No Bitch, I’m The Queen,” Nicki Minaj’s is “Ass-assin,” Miley’s is “Lady Moonshine, “Katy Perry’s is “Fuckyoutaylorswift” and Rita Ora’s is “Rita Ora.”
The only person absent from this video is Madonna’s current friend Lady Gaga, but I’m sure it’s because she was off somewhere recording a song called “Bitch I’m Lady Gaga.”
“Oooooh, you bitches are so dead” is probably what all the 9th graders said as Lorde and Ellie Goulding nervously shuffled through the cafeteria with green trays in hand toward Taylor Swift who told them that they can’t sit with her and they better go and sit with the other losers at the round orange table in the corner. Lorde and Ellie Goulding dun goofed.
Since Tay Tay is a bitchy 15-year-old girl trapped in the body of a vintage Barbie doll, she wrote that Bad Blood (working title: Period Cramps) song about how Katy Perry stole one of her back-up dancers or some shit. I heard that Tay Tay also got revenge by carving the words “Katy Perry Iz A Cum Guzzling Skankosaur“ into a stall in the girl’s locker room bathroom and also told everyone that Katy Perry took a dump once and didn’t wash her hands afterward. Eww! A million members of Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad are in the Bad Blood video including Ellie Goulding. (Side note: A piece of me dies inside whenever I type “Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad” and that’s surprising since I thought I was completely dead inside.)
But well, over the weekend, Ellie Goulding and another member of Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad, Lorde, showed their traitor asses when they hung out and took a picture with that dancer-stealing hose beast tramp skeeza whore Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson! Lorde’s mom and Ellie Goulding both Instagrammed the above picture. In case you couldn’t tell since she doesn’t look like Emily the Strange’s stranger cousin who lives in a tree trunk in the dark part of the forest, Lorde is in the red dress in the middle. Ellie Goulding is the blonde getting strangled on the right and Katy Perry’s head is floating next to Lorde.
Ellie Goulding later deleted the picture from her Instagram and I’m guessing that had something to do with Taylor texting her with this:
That’s Emoji for: “Bitch, you dead and tell Lorde that she looks like shit as the Salsa Dancer Emoji.”
Taylor is totally going to get those traitor bitches for this. She’ll put them on clean-up crew after her Easy Bake Oven cupcake parties. Or maybe that picture proves that this Katy vs. Taylor feud is made up by their publicists and tween gossiping girls trapped in the bodies of 30-something gay bloggers are falling for it. No, that can’t be it.
Here’s Katy’s arch rival with Girl Squad members (there goes a piece of me into a coffin) Gigi Hadid and Martha Hunt in NYC this past weekend.
Welcome to round 4,239 of the never-ending high school lunchroom fight between 4-time self-appointed prom queen Taylor Swift, her former BFF and current wannabe parking lot bad girl Katy Perry, and the sleazy dude who should have graduated years ago but still continues to hang around the halls asking every girl who walks by “Wassup?” John Mayer. I know, it’s been entirely too long since the last one.
According to Heat (via Hollywood Life), John Mayer is helping Katy Perry write a song about their mutual enemy Taylor Swift in an attempt to get back at her for writing one about Katy. A “friend” of Katy’s – who I’ll pretend confessed all of this in the 2nd floor girls bathroom while taking a long drag off a cigarette she yanked from her mother’s purse – says:
“Katy thinks revenge is a dish best served cold. She’s even more determined to show people what she calls ‘the real Taylor’, she’s writing some big, anthemic-type songs that’ll feature dirt on Taylor that John’s told her from when they used to date.”
They went on to add that Katy is still mad that she didn’t get to go to the Billboard Music Awards and it’s all Tay Tay’s fault. Apparently John Mayer convinced her that shit might get awkward with living beige Crayola crayon and her fan club, so she skipped it.
Even though I’m sure Katy Perry and John Mayer have better things to do than write a mean girl diss track about Tay Tay (subtle suggestion), I can’t help but wonder what it would be like. Since Katy Perry is violently allergic to subtlety, I’m going to assume it will be called “Tay-LIAR“, and the video will feature Katy Perry getting into a slap fight with a broom stick in a t-shirt that says I HEART CATS with a vintage purse stapled to it while John Mayer cheers her on.
Speaking of Katy Perry’s nemesis, here’s Tay Tay doing her daily fashion show walk for the paps earlier today:
Put on your (whatever you were wearing in 2011) and pop a bottle of (whatever you were drinking in 2011) and let’s go back to a time when receiving a text containing the divorce papers emoji followed by the sad face emoji from your legal piece of a year was still something that justified you never speaking to their rude asses again. “Ah, t’was a much more formal time” thought everyone who at this moment is quitting their latest Tinder piece by tagging them in a picture of a trash can on Instagram.
During an interview with the Daily Telegraph (via UsWeekly), perpetual moody teenage girl cosplayer Katy Perry admitted that she hasn’t said shit to Russell Brand since he quit their marriage via text message three and a half years ago. And it’s not like Russell Brand is desperately trying, like “Oi mate, give us a ring? We miss you“; according to Katy, he doesn’t want to talk to her either.
“He hasn’t spoken to me since he texted me saying he was filing for divorce. I don’t want to talk about him — my songs will say what I need to say.”
She also went on to say that she still has the cat they adopted together, but she has since changed her name from Rusty (a combination of Russell and Katy) to Monkey.
But of course Russell hasn’t contacted Katy; he’s been too busy writing nightmare-making children’s books and being the Erin Brockovich of east London housing (I don’t know if that made any damn sense). I’m sure it would be a whole other story if Russell Brand was unemployed. Trust me on this one, her phone would be blowing up with texts that start with “U up? U want to talk? I miss u” and end with “No srsl girl, u up? I am – WINK!” if he didn’t have a job. Although something tells me she’s used to getting texts like that every time she calls it quits with John Mayer.
UPDATE: Katy Perry swatted at the Daily Telegraph on Twitter for reusing quotes she gave them three years ago. Okay, but has she spoken to Russell Brand lately or not?!?