The 2016 Summer Olympics begin in a little over two weeks in Rio, which means all those online invitations to “COME TO BRAZIL” will finally pay off. In honor of the upcoming Olympic games, Katy Perry slipped away from the high school cafeteria fight and released a power anthem called “Rise.” E! News says “Rise” will be used by NBC during their coverage of the games. It’s basically everything you’d expect from a Katy Perry song: motivational poster vocals and emotion on top of emotion. She also released a video for “Rise” which features a montage of Olympic athletes doing their athletic thing. It’s perfect to get people jacked up for the Olympics; it’s basically performance enhancing drugs in music form. Here it is, the song that you’ll either love or want to hit the mute button on your television during every NBC commercial break.
As for the song itself, “Rise” is Katy’s first release in three years and debuted on the TODAY show this morning. Katy also released a statement about “Rise” earlier today.
When we last left the drama going down in the quad at Famous Millionaire High, Calvin Harris sharted up a whine stream on Twitter after the story came out that Taylor Swift wrote the lyrics to “This Is What You Came For.” Taylor’s people also let us know through TMZ that she came up with the melody too, thankyouverymuch.
In his Twitter dragging of Taylor, Calvin mentioned how he’s not going to let her bury him the way that she tried to bury Katy Perry. Katy Perry piped in on Twitter. You know, Calvin Harris is too old for this. Taylor Swift is too old for this. Katy Perry is too old for this. And we’re all too old for this, but who cares! I’m still eating up the stupid drama as if it was smeared all over Prince Hot Ginge’s peen.
If you’re one of Katy Perry’s 89.1 million Twitter followers (yes, that number is correct), you no doubt saw her tweeting some truly insane shit yesterday. The most insane being a tweet sent to her forever enemy Taylor Swift that wasn’t simply a middle-finger emoji. Any communication sent from Katy Perry to Taylor Swift would be enough for you to assume her Twitter account was being run by someone else. And yeah, it was.
According to E! News, Katy Perry’s Twitter account was hacked sometime on Monday night. Right now, Twitter is trying to investigate who is responsible, but they think it might be a Romanian-based Twitter user who goes by the name @sw4ylol. In between tweeting hate words and “Miss u baby” to Taylor Swift, the hacker tweeted for people to follow @sw4ylol with the hashtag “#hackersgonnahack.” Shortly after, the account belonging to @sw4ylol tweeted a SoundCloud link to an unreleased Katy Perry song titled “Witness 1.3.” However, that tweet has since been replaced with a screengrab of a copyright notice from SoundCloud, and the song itself has also apparently been yanked off of SoundCloud.
As for @sw4ylol, I’m sure they’ve already been contacted by Taylor Swift’s lawyers regarding the matter. Not because she was dragged into the hacking of one of the uncool girls, but because their Twitter handle is just a little too close to hers. “The number 4 is only one number off from 3. Not to mention that the letters s, w, y, l and o have all been trademarked by Taylor Swift Inc.”
Once Katy’s people figured out what had happened, they took a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to the suspect tweets and have pretended like nothing weird happened. As for that supposedly leaked song, there’s literally no evidence of it anywhere online. Did it even exist in the first place? Who knows! But if it did, I’m going to assume the video for it would have been a messy take on the 1985 movie Witness, with Katy Perry dressed in some boobed-up vaguely-Amish costume and winking while working a butter churn.
Last night, amfAR’s annual Cinema Against AIDS Gala happened in Cannes, and Katy Perry showed up looking like the mother of the bride if the bride was the red dress cha cha dancing emoji. I’m sure Katy’s dress is very ~expensive~ and is handcrafted from only the finest of materials, but for some reason it’s setting off my Michaels craft store radar. “‘For some reason” – listen to me, acting like it has nothing to do with the $80 worth of silk peony petals attached to her body.
I used to be obsessed with fake flowers. Maybe it was because I watched so much Lifestyles of The Rich and Famous while my 6-year-old brain was still developing. Although I have no idea what episode triggered by silk flower obsession. My obsession with wigs, however – that definitely happened during the Raquel Welch episode. Regardless of when it happened, I used to collect fake flowers and I thought they were so glamorous and high class. Placing a single plastic-stemmed rose on my book shelf truly added an instant touch of elegance to my collection of Baby-Sitters Club books. So as much as I want to laugh at Katy’s dress and make a joke about how it looks like something that was stolen out of a repurposed Snapple bottle vase in the bathroom of a budget banquet hall, I just can’t. My love of fake flowers won’t let me.
Here’s more of Katy Perry, and everyone else who was at the amfAR Gala. Thanks to Uma Thurman, we now know what it would look like if Day-To-Night Barbie quit her job to focus solely on the Night part.
Despite the fact less than 24-hours earlier she was vague-tweeting a link to a song about falling out of love to her 88.4 million followers, Katy Perry has asked that you kindly stop talking about the drama surrounding her relationship. Katy hopped on Twitter yesterday and side-eyed everyone who was whispering about her boyfriend Orlando Bloom, because there is nothing to whisper about. According to Katy, you can go ahead and throw those pictures of Orlando getting handsy with Selena Gomez at a Las Vegas club into the trash with your proof of lizard people existing and the moon landing being fake, because it’s nothing but a conspiracy.
— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) May 12, 2016
That’s right, instead take a look at all the good work Orlando is doing. Hashtag don’t feed the beast! Pay no attention to the Orlando that may have hooked up with a 23-year-old last weekend. Selena Gomez clearly agrees, because she retweeted Katy’s request and added some emoji praise hands.
Not too long after (six minutes to be exact), she tweeted the following, which may or may not have anything to do with Katy’s original tweet. But it doesn’t matter, because the important thing is that we stop talking about this!
#killemwithkindness -one day they’ll get it lol
— Selena Gomez (@selenagomez) May 13, 2016
Just like that, Taylor Swift threatened to revoke Selena’s membership to the I Hate Katy Perry Club. “Did you or did you not take an oath promising to be as vindictive and dramatic as possible? You’re on tour – you could have welcomed Ashlee Simpson to the stage and sung that ‘Didn’t Steal Your Boyfriend’ song together while dressed up as cats. I’m just so disappointed right now.”
Speaking of Taylor and conspiracy theories, Wendy Williams recently put on her tinfoil hat and wondered if Taylor had anything to do with the rumors about Selena and Orlando. No! Wendy, STOP! We don’t need ’90s alt girl Katy to get public revenge on the most popular girl in Famous People High School by making her own version of “Bad Blood.” Besides, we already have that, it’s called Daria.
Maybe it’s because I always have Waiting to Exhale on the brain, but when those pictures of Orlando Bloom snuggling up on Selena Gomez in a booth at a Las Vegas club hit the internet earlier this week, I expected Katy Perry to Instagram a video of herself in Orlando, Florida tossing a lit match onto a rental car filled with his clothes. But she didn’t do that. I’m guessing because Jeremy Scott couldn’t get the cartoon flames right on her scorned woman costume. Instead, she waited until last night and kept it vague-ish by tweeting a link to Peggy Lee’s “Is That All There Is?”
Is that all there is? https://t.co/54Q72MfXND
— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) May 12, 2016
Just for some context, the third verse of “Is That All There Is?” is about a woman who falls in love with a guy and they go on long walks and shit. And then one day he up and leaves, and she thinks she’s going to be super bummed about it, but she just sort of shrugs. For once I can say “How very subtle of you” and actually mean it. Or maybe this is just the beginning, and a Lemonade-style tell-all album called Perryer is coming later.
Selena Gomez, meanwhile, would like you to know that she has been dating, but won’t say who, because that’s personal!
Well, this is a little awkward. Allow me to explain what is happening in these grainy-as-hell pictures above. On the right, you have Orlando Bloom, who appears to be – forgive me Jesus for using this word – canoodling with a lady in a booth at a club. And according to TMZ , the woman he’s ‘noodling with is Selena Gomez. In case you’ve forgotten, Orlando’s dick currently belongs to Katy Perry.
TMZ says the above pictures of Orlando reuniting with his one-time revenge hookup Selena were taken on Saturday night at the after-party for her show in Las Vegas. The after-party was at Light in Mandalay Bay, and sources say that Orlando surprised everyone by showing up. 39-year-old Orlando and 23-year-old Selena found a booth together and got to touching. A source describes them as being “touchy-feely.” However, whatever happened in that booth stayed in that booth; the source says that Selena went back to her room alone at the end of the night.
As for where Katy Perry was when all this was happening, she was apparently back in California at a Renaissance Fair. I sort of wish it was the other way around; I would have loved to have seen Orlando macking on Selena while holding a giant turkey leg.
Even without these pictures, which I’m sure have already been thrown in a frame and hung in the Indiscreet Dummies wing of the Cheating Hall of Fame, Orlando would have been busted the second Katy got home and took a look at the state of his Tamagotchi. “Oh my god, it’s dead! It looks like died from malnutrition and feces exposure on Saturday night. Where were you Saturday night that you couldn’t take care of it? Explain yourself!”
And I didn’t know that Backdoor Farrah got a job as a reporter (no offense to that reporter in the bronze sequined top thing in the back).
Anna Wintour and the other foolery providers of the Met Gala should just declare that every year’s theme is LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME GOD LOOK AT ME. Because every year, one part of them tries to dress the theme, another part doesn’t even try and the others throw on some fucked-up shit and add a touch of something that goes with the theme. Katy Perry fell into the latter category. Last night, she answered the question, “What would it look like if Halle Berry’s character from B*A*P*S bleached her skin and starred as the Evil Queen in a low-budget straight-to-the-99-cent-section-of-the-iTunes-store reboot of Snow White and The Huntsman?”
Katy Perry’s Hunger Games funeral dress was by Prada and her black No. 2 pencil eraser hair was by Dixon Ticonderoga. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that Katy hid razors in her wig and wanted all of those keys on her dress just in case she needed a weapon to shank a trick with if Taylor Swift’s Easy Bake Oven Brigade tried to jump her ass in the girls room.
The technology part of Katy’s ensemble was a Tamagotchi and her current piece Orlando Bloom also wore one on his tuxedo jacket pocket:
Yup, that’s pretty much how you win the theme. And Orlando Bloom’s Tamagotchi took a shit on the red carpet. If that was his Tamagotchi’s official review for most of the looks on the carpet, I agree!
A group of Roman Catholic nuns in Los Angeles are currently throwing holy water at Lady Justice and condemning a certain judge’s soul to the depths of hell, because they lost hard in their battle to keep their precious convent out of the clutches of Katy Perry’s unholy chichis!
Because yesterday was a Sunday, ANOTHER country music awards show happened, but this one was a little more special than the others, because it honored the one-of-a-kind legend in an angelic wig: Dolly Parton! At the Academy of Country Music Awards in Las Vegas last night, Dolly was given the Tex Ritter Award for her TV movie Dolly Parton’s Coat of Many Colors, which aired last December. God himself should’ve shot down from Heaven to present the award to one of his greatest creations, but Katy Perry did it for some reason. Maybe Dolly Parton’s future successor Lisa Gail was already booked last night?
While appropriating country glamour culture by doing herself up like Cowboy Curtis’ side piece
Drugstore Cowgirl Katy 99 Cent Store Cowgirl Katy, Orlando Bloom’s current boo presented her “hero” Dolly Parton with the award and afterward, the two yodeled out a medley that included “Coat of Many Colors,” “Jolene” and “9 to 5.” Never mind that Katy Perry should’ve been arrested for that discount Halloween costume, she should’ve dropped her mic and dosey doe’d into the audience so that Dolly could’ve had the stage to herself! But Dolly probably wouldn’t have wanted that. Dolly is as charitable as she is gorgeous and was kind enough to let a musical lesser perform with her:
When is Dolly Parton going to get the sainthood she clearly deserves? I mean, she should get it for the simple fact that she resisted the urge to snatch that $4 “Flo from Progressive” wig off of Katy Perry’s head. Wearing that wig in front of the goddess of wigs is breaking all the commandments.