I’ve never understood why people in Hollywood get so secretive about who they’re fucking. At some point, just by six degrees of separation, they’ve all fucked each other at least once. Case in point, everyone pretty much knows that Jamie Foxx has become Katie Holmes’ dick of choice for a while now, but they still like to keep shit on the hush hush tip, because we’re all idiots, apparently.
The boys in the Scientology bathhouse are going to pop some barley seeds and tip toe up to David Miscavige’s throne room where they’ll press their ears up against his door and hope to hear Tom Cruise screeching and hollering over a speaker phone call while crying about how he saw Jamie Foxx and HER in Paree!
Every year, there’s always a giant chunk of celebrities at the Met Gala who completely wet fart on the theme and go with their own, which is usually: Rejected Dresses Leftover From Awards Season. Even Anna Wintour showed up to this year’s Met Gala in some dusty dress that Carol Channing definitely wore a million times better in the 1960s (see: Anna Wintour in the gallery below looking like a sad lamp from Liberace’s least favorite guest room). While watching the Vogue live feed of the Met Gala last night, some bland, I forgot who, said something about how she wanted to be comfortable. Bitch, if you want to be comfortable, stay at home in your sweats and t-shirt and watch the live feed while sitting on your futon like the rest of us do! You’re doing the Met Gala completely wrong if it doesn’t take six assistants, a registered nurse, a long plastic hose, a thing of KY and a janitor with a mop to help you piss.
But in last night’s sea of basic (see: the sea of basic in the gallery after the cut), there were a few bright spots of fuckery who actually paid attention in class when the theme was given. Enter: RiRi!
Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx have allegedly been a secret couple for more than three and a half years, and sneaking around for that long has got to be a killer on your spine. Yes, I picture Katie and Jamie sneaking around to and from their clandestine dinners and Mexican vacations all hunched over on their tip-toes. If UsWeekly’s recent source is correct, Katie might be ready to stand up straight and walk around proudly with her not-secret-boyfriend Jamie Foxx.
A source claims that Katie and Jamie are finally ready to “go public.” Katie used to be worried about the public attention dating Jamie would bring. The source goes on to say that Katie is tired of playing the “hiding game“, like traveling in tinted-windowed cars and using secret back elevators to meet Jamie. Apparently their first outings as an out couple will be more public dinners and a trip to Europe.
UsWeekly’s source says that Katie is ready to go public, but you know there’s a bunch of people thinking, “Uh huh, you mean her conditions of her divorce say she’s ready.” But I think she is ready and I hope that when they do go public, they do it up big to reward us for caring about their secret relationship for so damn long. Sure, they worked hard not to get caught. But we worked hard to make them a thing, like giving them a corny couple name even though they never officially came out as one. At the very least, they should acknowledge that by making their debut in front of a fox hole, maybe while holding two foxes. Please, I don’t ask for much. Just give me this.
Like Tom Cruise spitting out a reasonable and sane thought, a FoxHol sighting is a rare one that doesn’t happen very often. The rumors about Jamie Foxx wet humping the thetans off of Katie Holmes started in 2013 and a new “sighting” or story about them pops up every now and again. Jamie Foxx has denied the rumors before, but it looks like FoxHol is a thing and they’re just keeping it on the down low. “Jamie’s ass would know a thing or two about the down low,” said every blind item believer.
Matthew Perry, who is a Canadian person, appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, and he told what might be the most 80s Canadian schoolyard fight story this side of that time in 3rd grade when two of my classmates threw down like hockey enforcers at recess over a stolen Corey Hart cassette.