Actually, that’s not true. Time magazine seems a bit too stuffy and uptight to partner with such a sexy retailer. But that didn’t stop model Ashley Graham from slinking onto the red carpet of the annual Time 100 Gala in New York City last night in a silk nightie and robe combo. Oh, and a corset belt and jeweled choker, because Ashley clearly knows the difference between a proper formal lingerie look and looking like you just woke up from an afternoon catnap in your sugar daddy’s mansion.
[INTERNALLY SCREAMING] – Kanye West in that picture
Speaking of overblown titles that don’t really mean anything, the party for Time’s annual 100 Most Influential of 2015 list happened in NYC last night. Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian were there, because in addition to being on Summer’s Eve Most Influential list and Botox’s Most Influential list, they were also on the Time 100. While Kuntye and Kummy Kakes posed for photographers, Amy Schumer, whose face is all over the Internet right now, decided to screw with their ho stroll game a bit by throwing herself on the carpet in front of them. At first Kanye probably though it was just another one of his disciples worshiping at the godly feet of Yeezus. But his ego nearly throbbed to the point of exploding when he realized it was just that All About That Bass chick stealing the spotlight from him. If you looked inside of Kanye’s head in that picture, you’d probably see the rose garden scene from Mommie Dearest. Bitch is ready to chop down a tree over this shit.
He probably got off the red carpet and started fisting the air and firing people over someone snatching away his STUNT QUEEN tiara right in front of him.
Amy told Time that she did it, because why the hell not:
“I saw them and said to my publicist: ‘Can I pretend to fall?’ and she said, ‘I can’t stop you,”
Kim didn’t really seem to mind. She even cracked the Botox mask she calls a face by smiling a little. Kim smiled because she thought Amy was playing a fun game of charades and she knew the answer. Seeing Amy with dead eyes and on all fours made Kim think to herself, “I know, I know! The answer is, ‘How I got famous!’”
And here’s more of the Time 100 wearing boring outfits at last night’s gala thing.
Veteran news journalist Sheila Weller’s book titled The News Sorority about Diane Sawyer, Katie Couric and Christiane Amanpour’s rise to the top is coming out in a minute and to sell that shit, her publisher gave The Daily Beast (via UsWeekly) some of the book’s juiciest highlights. In the book, Sheila claims that when Diane Sawyer was the queen of Good Morning America and Katie Couric was the queen of Today, they hated each other and regularly battled it out for scoops. Katie was the Alexis to Diane’s Krystle, basically. At one point, Katie allegedly said (or joked) that Diane sucks dick for interviews. Who knew that Diane Sawyer was the Rita Ora of morning news shows?
Sheila writes that Katie once tried to get an interview with one of Diane’s famous friends and when Diane found out about it, she got her husband Mike Nicholas to call the friend and let them know that their friendship would be over if they went on Today. Some source also told Sheila that when Diane scooped Katie for an interview with a 57-year-old woman who birthed out twins, Katie showed her jealous ass by hating on Diane’s immaculate head game.
Apparently, Katie Couric thinks that Kim Kartrashian still has feelings even though we all know her feelings were numbed centuries ago with Botox and the blood of her sacrifices. Well, Katie pushed out a sorry yesterday for hurting Kim’s wittle ole’ fee-wings by telling InTouch Weekly that she doesn’t know why those Kartrashian whores are so famous. Kim called out Katie for being a fake two-faced bitch when she Instagrammed the baby gift that Katie sent her after she birthed out North West. Katie hopped on a Big Wheel and backpedaled hard by giving this open “I’m sowwy” letter to E!:
“I’ve met Kim before and I think she’s a really sweet person. I was responding to a reporter’s question, and explaining how I’m intrigued by the public’s fascination with her family. I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. The gift is genuine, and I’m happy for Kim and Kanye.”
Yeah, Katie’s apology letter is about as fake as that baby gift, but bitch is just playing the game. Or maybe Katie Couric realized that if she doesn’t give those fake whores a fake apology, Pimp Mama Kris will slither into her daughters’ bedrooms in the middle of the night and suck their souls out. Or worse, PMK will sic Khloe Kardashian on Katie and nothing will ruin your weekend like not being able to go out into your backyard, because a rabies-ridden, barking Khloe is out there waiting for you.
Katie Couric gave an interview to InTouch Weekly (via Radar), because when you’re trying to get hos to put their eyeballs on your daytime talk show, you whore it out anyway you can. During her talk with InTouch, Katie told absolutely zero lies when she said this about Lucifer’s favorite whores the Kartrashians:
“I don’t understand – why are they so famous? I think it’s mostly teenage girls that are interested.”
I guess this means that Katie Couric is never going to dust off her old colon cam and have all the Kartrashians on her show to see what treasures are stuck up in Kim’s ass (SPOILER ALERT: O.J.’s other glove, Bruce Jenner’s original face, a vial containing Ryan Seacrest’s soul, etc….).
Katie learned that when say the name of the whore beast out loud, the whore beast will awaken and slither out of her fat-burning sauna pod to slap at you and you call a two-faced fake bitch. Kim got one of her minions to Instagram a picture of the generic baby gift Katie Couric’s assistant sent to her right after she birthed out North West. This might’ve been funny and left a burn on Katie’s ass if Kim left the hashtags out of it. Hashtags are a privilege. Besides, Kim is a fake media friend to all her friends. She really should’ve consulted the queen of bitchy queens Kanye before she tried to drag Katie. #MayIHumblySuggestYouLeaveTheBitchinessToKanyeSinceHeDoesItBetter
And I love the Barney’s employee who didn’t give a fuck and totally screwed up that note.
I don’t know if I want this story about Sarah Palin co-hosting Today on Tuesday to be a tardy-to-the-party April Fool’s joke or if I want it be a truth! I’m more than leaning toward the latter, because this could be foolery wrapped in magic wrapped in the spit that will fly out of my mouth while laughing at Joel McHale shading this on The Soup. They should just put Sarah Palin, Kathie Lee Gifford and a box of wine in a studio together and give us enough time to put on a yellow plastic poncho to protect us from all the fuckery that will fly through the screen. TRUE: I hope this comes!