After weeks of “mystery” and “Who could it be?!”, the obvious was finally announced today. NBC told us who will replace Kathie Lee Gifford as Hoda Kotb’s morning time drinking buddy aka the co-host of the fourth hour of Today. Jenna Bush Hager is taking over for KLG. Kathie has decided to give up the world’s best gig to become a filmmaker, so I imagine she’ll have buyer’s remorse later this year and eventually pull a Jay Leno and return to snatch the morning drinking crown off Jenna’s head. But until then, we had to endure got to see a promo of sisterhood and learn all about why Jenna was picked as a worth heir to pickling one’s liver with Pinot Grigio.
Queen of the woke baes, Ellen Pompeo, usually makes a damn good point when it comes to social injustice today. Just watch this, and you’ll see why we’re all feeling the way Gabrielle Union is looking. Ellen wasn’t done giving Gabrielle a case of the “mmmhmmm, sister!” She’s now coming after Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford’s hour of wine after they (or more likely a staffer in charge of their Twitter account) tweeted about a recent appearance she made on Jada Pinkett Smith’s Red Table Talk. The Hoda and KLG tweet was only about some implied Patrick Dempsey drama, and Ellen didn’t like how it bypassed the more #woke parts of her Jada interview.
Now who is going to make you feel okay about having a side of Chardonnay with your bowl of Rice Krispies? Or a side of Chardonnay with your bowl of chardonnay? Oh shit, Kathie Lee Gifford’s next hustle should be a breakfast cereal called KLG’s Chardonnay-Os.
After 11 years, 500,000 gulps of fermented breakfast juice, and over 4,000 times yodeling out “Everyoooone has a stooo-reeeee“, the Christian Wine Queen of Morning Television has announced that she’s hanging up her monogrammed breakfast time wine glass and is leaving Today. Those of us who are masochists and watch Today every morning aren’t exactly dropping our mug of KLG-brand GIFFT Pinot Grigio (available at Wine.com!) out of shock, because there’s many a morning when the fourth hour of Today starts and we scream,”NOT JENNA BUSH HAGER FILLING IN FOR KLG AGAIN!” Although if this announcement was a real shock, we still wouldn’t drop our mug of KLG-brand GIFFT Pinot Grigio. That’s not what KLG would want.
For many Halloweens, the hateful demons at Today have give us many soul-melting night terrors by doing their hosts up like dark-sided creatures that crawled out of the sticky asshole of Hell. Like the time they dressed the entire Today show crew as Peanuts possessed by Satan, and the time they committed a horrible case of blasphemy by dropping a Matt Lauer shit all over the pristine image of earth angel Dolly Parton. They played it mostly safe this Halloween. I say “mostly safe,” because I hate them for causing my nipple tips to tingle and my b-hole ring to quiver while looking at Jenna Bush Hager in man drag as Goose from Top Gun. I should call 911 and report Today for actually making me get moist in the tip over drag king Jenna Bush Hager.
Today went with an 80s theme this year. Well, most of them did anyway. Hoda Kotb got lost in the early-70s while making her way to the 80s.
Fans of the fourth hour of the Today show might no longer have to until 10:00am to get secondhand blitzed on morning wine. According to Page Six, Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb might move up an hour to the 9:00 time slot. But wait, isn’t that Megyn Kelly’s spot? Yeah, possibly not any more.
When you’re a question mark’s favorite pop singer and people regularly mistake you for the wall, you have to pull some shit to make people pay attention to you. Like dress yourself up as a Miss Kitty from the future who just got jumped by a gang of silkie chickens.
Clive Davis threw his annual pre-Grammy party in NYC last night, and many of the guests decided to save their better dresses for tonight’s Grammys (although, they should really just wear pajamas with an attached pillow and duvet cover, because that shit is going to be three and a half fucking hours long). Because most of them wore boring dresses bought off the rack at Macy’s (Taryn Manning’s impact!), but not Rita Ora.
Rita Ora threw feathers, fringe, bows, rhinestone and whatever else that was on sale at Michael’s onto her body. Rita looks like she just came from auditioning for the Thandie Newton role in a no-budget unauthorized Public Access reboot of Westworld that takes place way off in the future and will eventually get shut down after HBO sues. Rita is also dressed like a look-for-less Kartrashian, which is saying a lot since the Kartrashians dress like look-for-less Kartrashians.
And here’s a million more pictures from Clive Davis’ party, including Kathie Lee Gifford (who I hope wins, via write-in vote, the Best Song Grammy tonight for He Saw Jesus) and Martha Stewart, whose dogs are probably nervous that she’s going to skin and wear their asses next.