When you’re a question mark’s favorite pop singer and people regularly mistake you for the wall, you have to pull some shit to make people pay attention to you. Like dress yourself up as a Miss Kitty from the future who just got jumped by a gang of silkie chickens.
Clive Davis threw his annual pre-Grammy party in NYC last night, and many of the guests decided to save their better dresses for tonight’s Grammys (although, they should really just wear pajamas with an attached pillow and duvet cover, because that shit is going to be three and a half fucking hours long). Because most of them wore boring dresses bought off the rack at Macy’s (Taryn Manning’s impact!), but not Rita Ora.
Rita Ora threw feathers, fringe, bows, rhinestone and whatever else that was on sale at Michael’s onto her body. Rita looks like she just came from auditioning for the Thandie Newton role in a no-budget unauthorized Public Access reboot of Westworld that takes place way off in the future and will eventually get shut down after HBO sues. Rita is also dressed like a look-for-less Kartrashian, which is saying a lot since the Kartrashians dress like look-for-less Kartrashians.
And here’s a million more pictures from Clive Davis’ party, including Kathie Lee Gifford (who I hope wins, via write-in vote, the Best Song Grammy tonight for He Saw Jesus) and Martha Stewart, whose dogs are probably nervous that she’s going to skin and wear their asses next.
If you didn’t look at the little words on that cover, you might think that Savannah Guthrie and Hoda Kotb found mid-life lesbian love with each other, left their men and announced their gayelle union with a head-to-head pose on the cover of People! But Savannah and Hoda are now a different kind of partners. Hoda announced on Today and People this morning that she will permanently co-anchor the show with Savannah. Hoda is now the unofficial Queen of Today, because she’ll also keep continuing to host the “Happy Hour” of Today (aka the fourth hour with Kathie Lee Gifford). So the final hour of Today won’t be KLG singing show tunes and Jesus songs with a half-empty bottle of Pinot in the stool next to her.
Yesterday, Allison covered Today’s bad drag country Halloween showcase, and most of their looks wouldn’t even get last place in a country star look-alike contest held by Birmingham, Alabama’s least popular country music station in the parking lot of a Cracker Barrel. Sadly, I have to include Kathie Lee Gifford in the pile of boring costumes worn by Today tricks. KLG dressed as country Miley Cyrus, but she basically just wore a Salvation Army-bought Canadian tuxedo with plastic flowers taped to it. She looked like the bukkake aftermath of a Dancing Flowers orgy. I take that back, the bukkake aftermath of a Dancing Flowers orgy would look more exciting than KLG dressed as country Miley Cyrus. But KLG redeemed herself later!
If you love the kind of grotesque imagery that will turn your stomach and haunt your dreams forever, then you’re no doubt a fan of Today’s annual Halloween costume parade of half-assed horrors. Obviously nothing will ever top the year they dropped nightmares all over your childhood by dressing up as a near-sighted serial killer’s idea of the Peanuts gang. This year the Today crew slipped into their best country-fied drag for a Grand Ole Opry-themed Halloween.
I’ve admitted this several times, but I watch all four hours of Today every weekday, because I am grandma. I may be your grandma, but don’t expect me to mail you a crisp $5 bill for your birthday every year.
Anyway, Hoda Kotb hosts the fourth hour with drunk Christian nightingale Kathie Lee Gifford, but for a little while now, she’s been MIA. When it was reported that Megyn Kelly is joining Today and Tamron Hall is leaving, there was a rumor that NBC is trying to become the next Fox News. So I prepared myself for the moment when the fourth hour would open with Kathie Mess Gifford saying, “Please say goodbye to Hoda Woman and welcome my new co-host…Elisabeth Hasselbeck!” But thankfully, Hoda is taking time off because she’s a new mom.
Earlier today, Page Six said that the former sweetheart of Fox News, Megyn Kelly, is crashing into Today, and either the show’s third or fourth hour will be canceled to make room for her. The third hour is hosted by Tamron Hall and Al Roker, and the fourth hour is hosted by America’s morning-drinking aunties Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb. That rumor was just another turd on the pile of shit news that hit me today.
First, I learned that the emporium of stunning teen fashions Wet Seal has been put down and has closed all of its stores. Second, I learned that The CW has ordered a pilot of the shit reboot of Dynasty. And then I learned that my daily dose of vitamin M (for MESS) may be taken away from me. WHYYYYY!!??!