When it was rumored about a year ago that Kate Winslet would be starring in Woody Allen’s latest talks-too-fast flustered people film, it isn’t a stretch to say that some people raised their eyebrows like, “Girl, him?“. As it turned out, the rumors were true, and she was filming Wonder Wheel with Justin Timberlake. Again, one can assume someone pulled Kate aside and asked, “Do you need me to Google ‘Woody Allen’ for you? Because I can, but, like, heads up – the results will be gross.”
Kate recently admitted during an interview with The New York Times to promote The Mountain Between Us and Wonder Wheel that, yes, she’s totally aware of Woody Allen’s completely vomit-triggering alleged reputation. Just like how she was completely familiar with Roman Polanski’s alleged reputation too. Wow, okay, Kate – you didn’t have to go there, but I guess that’s where we’re going now.
The future Emmy-sweeping biopic of my Cheetos dust-covered dreams, Lifetime’s Britney, isn’t going to grace our television screens until 2017 and that is a long time away. (Not to mention, that if “President Trump” becomes a real thing, it’ll be a little difficult to watch Lifetime’s Britney after fire falling from the sky torches our houses and TVs.) But Lifetime has already let us know that their Britney Spears biopic will be the television event of 2017 by releasing the first picture of their Justin Timberlake. The actors must be working pro brono, because it’s obvious that Lifetime used their entire budget on that gorgeous wig. Although, that’s not hard to do since Lifetime’s budget was probably a Party City coupon and whatever change was in the ash tray of the network president’s car.
It looks like you can go ahead and add Kate Winslet’s name to the long list of actors who really want to work with beady-eyed elderly creeper Woody Allen.
Sources tell Variety that Kate is currently in final negotiations for Woody’s next movie, which will begin filming this fall. Other than that, there’s really not much known about Woody’s upcoming movie besides the usual: Woody will be writing, directing, and producing it, and the press tour will most likely involve Kate awkwardly tugging at her collar while trying to dodge questions about his personal life. Although Woody did let it slip during an interview with Vox at Cannes that he wants to shoot his next movie in an amusement park, Coney Island being his first choice. Woody Allen? An amusement park? Chris Hansen’s ears just perked up.
Kate has never worked with Woody before. But this isn’t the first time she’s worked with a ~problematic~ director. Back in 2011, she made Carnage with Woody’s fellow pedo creeper filmmaker club member Roman Polanski. So I’m guessing Kate already has her answer written out for when people inevitably ask her if she had any hesitation about working with Woody Allen’s allegedly gross ass.
On the upside, there’s a very good chance working with Woody will mean an 8th Oscar nomination for Kate, since I’m pretty sure that’s written in the Academy rules. But the ultimate downside is that she can probably forget about touching Susan Sarandon’s gorgeous boobies ever again. And even if she does, there a 100% chance it’s gonna be awkward.
When I saw Alicia Vikander (now Academy Award Winner Alicia Vikander) stroll down the red carpet last night, it gave me a massive nostalgia high. A lot of people probably did, thanks to Alicia’s Beauty and the Beast realness. But gazing upon that pale yellow poofy Louis Vuitton dress instantly whooshed me back to memories of playing a game called Beautiful Lady in my childhood bedroom. The rules of Beautiful Lady were simple: look like a beautiful lady. Usually I would play it safe and throw on a Dress n’ Dazzle 3-in-1 Glamour Gown and my exquisite Burger King ThunderCats ring. But if I wanted to look extra beautiful, I’d pull the fitted sheet off my bed and make a stunning ballgown.
I liked to use the fitted sheet because it was far more glamorous and show-stopping than the flat sheet. It puffed out at the bottom, and as everyone knew in the 80s, puffy = instant sophistication. It was dead easy – I’d just wrap it around my waist and fasten it with a banana clip. Then I’d throw on my “wig” (a pair of black nylons) and wait for the flattery to roll in. Alicia clearly knows that Beautiful Lady is always the look, because she made sure to pair her bedsheet dress with flat-on-top/long-in-the-back hair too. Although I don’t think her jewelry came from Burger King. If I had to guess, it’s probably some cheap crap from Harry Winston or something.
Alicia wasn’t the only one who was giving me flashbacks to my homemade fashion years. Kate Winslet also took me for a walk down memory lane.
Every blonde skinny lingerie/swimsuit model from here to the Czech Republic is cheering out of their panties, because their ex-piece or future ex-piece Leonardo DiCatchAHo finally won an Oscar. Leonardo is truly the talent of our time, because he was able to walk to the Oscars stage while blowing out a river of jizz through his asshole over finally winning the award he would’ve sold all of his internal organs for.
Leonardo won Best Actor for The Relevant, I mean The Revenant, and he used his time on the stage to talk about the environment. Sure, he’s probably going to celebrate his Oscar win by taking a gas-guzzling private jet ride to France where he’ll get on a yacht. But who cares. Leo cares about the environment! Get into Leo’s “just had my wisdom tooth pulled out and I’m on coke” mouth action:
But you know who he doesn’t care about? The bear from The Revenant. He didn’t thank that bitch at all. If it wasn’t for that bear, Leo wouldn’t even be on that stage, but yet he couldn’t have taken 3 seconds out of his speech to thank the ho who made it all possible? How dreadful. Leo should lose his award over that honestly. And you know who else is crying in a fetal position on a bathroom floor somewhere? Lukas Haas. Leo didn’t even throw a half-assed “thank you” at his fellow Pussy Posse member and bro-in-waiting. Cold, Leo, cold!
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
Any way to make a little extra cash, I guess. I’m joking, of course; as fas as I know, Kanye West hasn’t released a line of formal pantyhose refugee rags. I do, however, know that Rooney Mara’s Mad Max-meets-washing your dirty lace panties in the sink look from the BAFTAs last night is courtesy of Kanye’s best boo Riccardo Tisci and Givenchy, which actually makes a lot of sense.
I bet this dress started out as a sketch for a normal red carpet gown, but then Riccardo made the mistake of showing it to Kanye during one of their Friday night No Kims Allowed sleepovers in France. That’s when Kanye whipped out his favorite beige marker and book of funeral home curtain samples and turned it into the decomposing hobo bride couture you see above. And of course Rooney loved it, because she loves looking like a haunted vintage doll on prom night.
Rooney Mara wasn’t the only one who showed up to the British Oscars looking like a damp mess. Her Carol co-star Cate Blanchett, who usually gives ten tons of WTF excellence, showed up in some kind of tapestry on the top/goth Christmas Tree garland on the bottom thing. Although it does look like her tapestry is spreading down her body like an expensive rash, and Rich Lady Rash is a look I can get behind.
Here’s more fancy-dressed famous types from last night, including Kate Winslet looking like a chick whose goal is to bang Gordon Gekko and Kate Capshaw giving you “I cut my bangs in the limo on the ride over!” realness.