Before their game yesterday, several members of the Miami Dolphins took Colin Kaepernick’s lead when they peacefully protested by kneeling during the national anthem. As with every time an athlete kneels down in protest during The Star-Spangled Banner, it brought out the flaming hot feelings in many people including some famous tricks. Rob Lowe of all tricks basically said in so many characters on Twitter that any NFL player who refuses to stand should be kept in the locker room until kick-off. And big-tittied blond model Kate Upton finally gave the answer to the question we’ve all been asking ourselves since the protest started, which is: What does Kate Upton think about this?!
Two years ago, big-boobed model Kate Upton said that her ass deserved some attention. Sadly, it’s nearly impossible to get people to pay attention to your moderately-sized ass when you’ve got the IMAX-sized asses of the Kalabasas Butt Kweens to compete with. Kate was clearly tired of waiting for people to lose interest in that double-stuffed sideshow and start paying attention to her ass. So last night she took matters into her own hands. Kate crammed herself into a bodysuit thong and slipped into some sheer star-spangled dress, and by god, she got her ass some attention. Congratulations, Kate!
Kate Upton doesn’t turn 24 until tomorrow, but she got a head start and celebrated her birthday last night in New York with her baseball player fiancé Justin Verlander. Either Kate had a couple birthday drinks in the Uber on the way over to the bar or she’s just feeling that cool breeze on her ass, but she looks like she’s having a great time. Which is insane to me, because her ass is probably all kinds of uncomfortable. As anyone who has ever worn a bodysuit knows, there are many snaps down there. And since she’s wearing a thong bodysuit, I can only imagine the dark, cramped crevices those snaps have found themselves trapped in. It must be like The Descent down there for them.
Not to mention that all that glitter and bedazzling on her dress looks scratchy and prickly as hell. No wonder she ended up with a hole right near her hole. If that was me, the ass of my dress would be covered in holes from me trying to pick random sequins and studs out of my crack.
Here’s more of Kate and Kate’s ass arriving at her birthday party last night, as well as Nick Jonas and Bella Hadid.
Last week, it seemed like there was trouble in the squad (Side note: Hello, my name is Michael. I’m a grown up and I just wrote “trouble in the squad.“) when Lorde was seen with Taylor Swift enemy Diplo. Diplo once said that someone should start a Kickstarter to buy Taylor Swift an ass. I figured that Girl Squad Captain Taylor would immediately tell Lorde to shred her Hello Kitty membership card and then ask for the copy of the key to the treasure box where they keep the friendship bracelet supplies. But I don’t think that happened, because here’s Taylor Swift (giving you Dollar Tree Elvira Hancock) and Lorde (giving you constipated and stoned Emily the Strange in an Ice Capades show directed by Tim Burton) at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night.
But maybe something is up. Lorde does look like she was sedated and is only posing with Taylor because Taylor threatened to expose secrets that could ruin her career. You know, secrets like she really hates the color black, she loves the color pink, Nicholas Sparks is her favorite author, she really feels whole when she smiles and nothing brightens up her day like sunshine. But then again, Lorde always looks like a goth ghost who took too much Ambien, so everything’s probably fine. However, nothing is fine with the blood explosion messiness that Gwen Stefani wore.
While Blake Shelton looked like the most dressed up dude at a hillbilly wedding, Gwen Stefani looked like she was about to star in Carrie On Ice!
It looks like her belly button is barfing blood. She looks like a slutty blood clot. We get it, Gwen. You’re hot. You still got it, bitch. I’m all for a trick trying to get attention by showing her granny panties in a sheer dress, but Gwen could’ve done it without wearing an ensemble that makes me want to throw tampons, Band-Aids and cotton balls at her.
And here’s more pictures from last night’s VF party including some of Justin Timberlake being annoying and Anne Hathaway wearing Mrs. Roper’s favorite disco freakum muumuu.
Hello Kitty Party, Ecco the Dolphin and Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six (it has “rainbow” in the title, okay) are just a few titles I’d spit out if you asked me to guess which game Mariah Carey is now the face of. But I guess Mimi’s management team subscribes to the “A Check IS A Check” way of doing business, because she has pulled out her bubble gum-scented Mr. Sketch marker and signed her name on a contract to replace the pair of chichis with a face known as Kate Upton in all those Game of War ads. “Mimi Replaces Kate Upton As The Face of Game of War” is not some shit I expected to read today.
Mimi has probably went ahead and ordered several custom-made solid gold unicorn horn dildos, because TMZ says that the Game of War bitches are paying her 7 figures for just two days work. Mimi will shoot a 30-second commercial and she’ll also do other promo shoots for the game. A source tells TMZ that one of Mimi’s songs is going to be used in the commercial. I’m guessing the song they plan to use is “Infinity” since her last high note in that shit has the power to paralyze the strongest of men and bring down fortresses.
The shoot is going to take 2 days, but the post-production is probably going to take 2 weeks, if not more. Whoever is making that commercial is going to need to get the sturdiest and bravest special effects artistes in the game to work their CGI magic on Mimi’s body until she’s happy. Talk about a game of war. By the end, they’ll be screaming for mercy, and they will beg for their overworked fingers to be chopped off when Mimi calls and asks, “Dahling, just erase another 1/10th of an inch off of my right thumb.”
Here’s Kate Upton’s replacement walking on her own (THIS IS A FIRST!) in Paris during the last few days.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
You can find pretty much anything on the internet. My favorite parts of the internet are the ones where people post videos of kittens falling asleep or high-resolution pictures of Kim Kardashian’s face. But apparently Kate Upton can’t get to hers because she has to wade through 8 layers of haters first. And since that many haters is enough to make anyone want to take a lie-down, Kate told Net-a-Porter’s The Edit that she’s decided she might as well save her energy and just avoid the internet all together:
“I’ve heard people say, you put yourself in that position to be judged. But no, I put myself in that position because I really liked that photographer, I wanted to do that piece of work. Not to be judged. The internet can be horrible, so I just don’t look at it anymore. But maybe a little hate is good for me. Because if I’m in a spot where everyone loves me, I won’t try as hard.”
She also gets nostalgic for the early days of social media. Hmmm, I wonder if she was more MySpace or LiveJournal? You’re right – definitely Friendster.
“I feel like social media at this point is kind of bullshit. At the beginning it was amazing and a lot of fun. It was like, ‘Cool, I can talk to my fans!’ And now I think that we’re losing the art of it. When I joined Twitter it was just me, but [when] you’ve got contracts, it’s so planned. Now it’s about who has the best marketing, not who has a really good personality.”
Yeah, why do I get the feeling that the majority of the people following Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton on social media aren’t doing it because they’re interested in her “good personality”.
But back to Kate saying bye bitch to the internet. Isn’t it just to be expected that once you become a famous type you’ll eventually find some shady shit written about yourself on the internet? I bet even a flawless living gemstone like Dolly Parton has stumbled upon some anonymous type hissing the words “her face iz bad and that wig is FUG” at least once in her life. Oh my god, for real though – just typing that for pretend made me feel so guilty.
Here’s more of Kate Upton serving up some aspiring rich lady realness in The Edit:
As I said earlier, the Oscars were a boring dress parade and I’ve seen more exciting dresses at my mom’s office holiday party. Well, it looks like all the real glamour and demure sophistication was the Vanity Fair viewing and after-party. Not only was Joan Collins there with a wig hovering above her head like a glorious halo, but Crispo Ronaldo’s ex-piece Irina Shayk and the walking community theater production of RiRi’s life titled Rita Ora all wore hot outfits that let everyone know that they traded in their panties for a stick-on pussy patch.
Irina Shayk’s pantyhose dress thing is like the more modest and athletic cousin of that exquisitely classic, coochie-flashing gown that Jaimie Alexander wore in 2013. My only question besides “How many people were treated for elegance inhalation from being exposed to Irina?” is, “How did she piss?” Was there a discreet zipper involved? A snap-off thing? Or did the crotch area have a small hole where she could just stick in a Go Girl and handle it? Even if she couldn’t piss in that bodysuit gown thing and had to hold it all night, it’s worth it. Getting a bladder infection is worth bringing loads of ravishing glamour to the masses.
I bet across town at Denny’s Oscar viewing party, style icon Edy Williams raised a mug full of pink wine and soda water in the air and toasted to Irina Shayk and Rita Whora. Irina just needed more exposed nipple and a random dog, and her Edy Williams tribute would’ve been perfect.
And here’s at least 10 billion pictures from Vanity Fair’s party including pictures of Joan Collins and Monica Lewinsky (????).