Tomorrow we find out if all the hard work and hand jobs Ryan Reynolds has been giving have paid off when the Oscar nominations are announced. But today we find out whose lazy hand job of a performance was rewarded with a 2017 Razzie nomination
There was a nominations sweep at this year’s Razzies. Zoolander 2 got 9 nominations, followed closely behind by Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice with 8. Sorry, 1997’s Batman and Robin, it looks like you’re still the Batman movie with the most Razzie nominations. But don’t worry, there’s a chance that Batman movie written and directed by Ben Affleck could happen.
Jared Leto’s award dreams came true in the most Twilight Zone-y of ways. He’s not going to get the Oscar nomination he was no doubt sure he was going to get, but he did get a Worst Supporting Actor Razzie for Suicide Squad. And Julia Roberts’ performance as Lady Wearing a Bad Wig in Mother’s Day earned her a Worst Actress nomination. That wig didn’t get a Worst Supporting Actor nomination, because of course it didn’t; that wig worked its ass off and supported her like a load-bearing beam.
And Ben Affleck received his 10th Razzie nomination today. The big one-zero! He should go out and celebrate tonight for reaching a career milestone. Maybe his BFF Tom Brady will treat Ben to a steamed green bean and unseasoned fish dinner at his house.
The list of nominees is after the cut.
In a lengthy post featuring a Star cover breathlessly declaring that Brad has moved in with Kate, he imagined a world where the Hudson/Hawn clan has been turned upside down by the presence of Bong Hit Brad the Chaos-Bringer.
The last time we checked in with Kate Hudson, she was coming off a long casual thing with Nick Jonas and wrapping herself around football player J.J. Watt. That was three months ago. Kate’s groupie coochie may have gotten nostalgic for that music industry peen, because according to UsWeekly, she’s once again seeing someone with a recording contract.
A source tells UsWeekly that Kate Hudson is currently dating DJ and former Twitter troll Diplo. The half of Diplo that’s “half straight” allegedly got together with Kate Hudson in Ibiza a few weeks ago when he was playing a club and she was vacationing with some friends. UsWeekly can’t say for sure when they officially met, but as you can see from the picture above, they’ve been friendly since at least the Met Gala back in May.
Kate’s people haven’t confirmed if she’s doing Diplo. Diplo’s people, on the other hand, have flat-out denied he’s remixing her business.
Even if Diplo’s people are right and they’re not humping, they really should. Kate dating Diplo makes so much sense, it’s almost creepy. They’re both blonde. They’re both 37-years-old. They both have two sons. They even have a “Taylor” connection: Kate used to be the face of Ann Taylor, and Diplo once tried to get a butt for Taylor Swift.
In the event they are actually dating, I don’t know why Diplo would want to deny that. His last sort-of maybe-relationship eventually took his too-old-for-this ass to Taylor Swift’s metaphorical high school locker hallway. You’d think he’d be happy to tell people that he’s going on the kind of dates that don’t end with him slowly driving past Kate’s arch enemy’s house while she ducks down in the front seat asking “Can you see her? Is she being the worst? I bet she totally is.”
When I heard that the theme for the 2016 Met Gala was technology in fashion, I naturally assumed an artsy ~fashion~ type like Lady Gaga would go all-out. I was expecting she’d show up looking like C-3PO’s art school sister in a full-body rhinestone-encrusted gold-plated mech suit that was so heavy and would make walking so impossible, it would take her almost an hour to walk up the red carpet. But then she showed up in…this? Did she forget the Met Gala was that night? I’m not saying it’s bad, but it’s basically one of Britney’s Piece of Me bras, a bedazzled waist trainer, a pair of pewter panties, fishnets, a bootleg pair of Naomi’s fall-down heels, and your nana’s favorite sparkly casino jacket. It’s all very “Uh…sorry, what was the assignment?”
And that’s to say nothing of what’s happening on her facial area, which I think can best be described as “Paloma Faith YouTube makeup tutorial.” Gaga also did this at the Met Gala:
Kate Hudson doesn’t seem to mind. In all likelihood, she was probably just asking Gaga to help her warm it up for her a little in case she decided to take a bare-assed butt selfie in the bathroom for her part-time boo Nick Jonas. Nobody wants a butt full of goosebumps, after all.
Here’s more of Gaga looking like a yard sale Spectra doll and Kate Hudson wearing what appears to be a dress from the David’s Bridal x Edward Scissorhands capsule collection. Also included is Kate Hudson “trying” not to flash her coochie while arriving at an afterparty. Someone get Kate a glass of water, she’s clearly very thirsty!
Since Kate Hudson is hawking workout clothes and trying to be all sporty and shit, it’s time for all of her to get completely on brand and that includes the tastes of her legendary coochie. So it makes sense that Kate Hudson might be climbing aboard the 6’5″ football playing mountain named J.J. Watt. Kate Hudson’s chocha needs a travel blog NOW, because I really want to see the places it visits.
Kate Hudson may have either finally dropped Nick Jonas as a fuck buddy, or she has temporarily pushed that Jonas peen to the side. Because everyone seems to think 36-year-old Kate may have started dating 27-year-old J.J., who plays for the Houston Texans. Kate and J.J. are the ones who started the dating talk. I guess they wanted everyone to know that they were on a date, because last night, J.J. made an appearance on one of her Snapchat videos during dinner at a restaurant. The video is annoying, but J.J. calls it a “date.”
UsWeekly says that this morning, Kate put up another Snapchat video where she brought up the date while hanging out with her son Ryder. At one point, Kate said to him, “How does it feel that mommy got to sit next to J.J. Watt at dinner?”
Okay, but who in the hell Snapchats during a date?! If the date is going good, you should be using your hands to give him a handy under the table. If the date is going bad, you should be using your hands to give him a handy under the table (because doing that is better than talking to his boring ass). I am disappointed in Kate! But well, maybe she posted that video, because she wanted to let us, her slut disciples, know that she’s still out there and isn’t tied down to Jonas peen. That makes sense. I should never question the thirsty ways of Kate Hudson!
Pic: Men’s Health
Before we get into the Mother’s Day, the latest holiday-themed movie by Garry Marshall starring a fuckload of famous people, we need to talk about that thing on Julia Roberts’ head. From what I gathered while watching the trailer for Mother’s Day (which doesn’t come out on Mother’s Day), Julia Roberts plays some kind of power bitch book author named Miranda Collins. We don’t know her backstory, but it looks like “Miranda Collins” (real name: Darlean McKringle) shops exclusively in the Jessica Simpson section of Macy’s and sold her first book by claiming she’s Jackie Collins’ long-lost cousin.
Julia is only in the trailer for about six seconds, but it’s long enough to find out she’s probably the birth mother of sad yoga girl (played by Britt Robertson), because – as Miranda tells Jennifer Aniston – she was too busy with her career instead. Um, DUH. You don’t have time for kids when you’ve got such an exquisite head of hair to look after. Styling your hair into a perfectly smooth penis-shaped bob takes time, Jennifer.
As you can see, everyone is in this. Jenny, Julie, Jason Sudeikis, Kate Hudson (I bet the reason she’s so flustered at the 1:13 mark is because her parents walked in on her taking a pussy selfie for Nick Jonas) and Timothy Olyphant.
Out of all the stories in the trailer, it doesn’t seem like there’s one that truly represents the real experience of Mother’s Day. I’m of course referring to that moment of terror when you realize you forgot to make brunch reservations and realize you’ll have to have brunch in your house. “Happy Mother’s Day! Feel free to help yourself to a mimosa. Why yes, that is leftover white wine and orange juice I bought from Starbucks. Breakfast will be served just as soon as I open this Luna Bar.”